short thrilled love

Remember in my last post that I mentioned I got to know someone. Well, it ends... Hahaha... I know it was short and full of lust.

Honestly, all those times that we talk, I could feel myself in my teens where I giggle and grin. It was just like pure lust. But minus the fact that when he said something sweet, instead of I listened to all those good love songs, I go and listen to All Too Well 10 minutes version or any sad song in my 'Missing You' and Playlist for J' playlist. How messed up that is. 

As I said I knew him from the internet but not that dating site even though I did plan to create one someday. I know I said I won't before but I'm just a human, we are bound to change our minds every single time. It was just a random thing where he add me and I approved. He texted me and I replied. Then everything just leads to another. I shared my number so fast. Not like before, back then when I was actively pursuing this online blind love. I mean there is where I met ashraf and then ashari and a few guys after that. I do not know how open and optimistic I was back then. I was fearless and carefree. And I thought I still have it with me but actually not quite yet.

Honestly, I like him. I do He was caring and thoughtful. A very sweet talker and funny. But sadly my heart hates him. Sometimes if I see his name pop out, I felt annoyed but sometimes I did smile. I waited for his text most of the time. I will never be the first to text. but I did once in a blue moon. I think I could only calculate by 1 hand how many times did I make the first move.

It was so short. He came when I think I am ready and after I deleted everything about Joe that was saved nicely on my phone. We talked about everything and try to know each other. He liked Korean drama btw and was a bit clueless about football. He is a Pisces sign. I have nothing against fish okay. He is very hard working and loves to cook. I could imagine myself liking him deeply and settling down with him somehow. Everything was going great. We flirt and joke around. But then one day we have a big fight about some silly thing and now we just stop talking. And I ... I adore him but not much to chase, to fight, or to do anything to save this. I just let it go, let it pass, and move on. In fact, as I was writing this, I deleted every trace of him that I have.

It was short and thrilling. But it wasn't love. It was pure lust and wanting to have someone who care, someone who showered me with love and attention. It was never loved and I know deep down it was never meant to be last. It was initially just an experiment that I did for myself. I wanna see how damaged I was. Well, not much but something has obviously broken inside me and I still need time to heal. 

When and if next time I fall in love, I want to be able to hear those good love songs that I once listed in my playlist instead of listening to a 10-minute version of All Too Well. When and if I fall in love again, I don't want to feel annoyed at all when I see that person's name on my phone. I want to feel peace and in love. When and if I fall in love, I hope I still have a fight with me and that there is something to give back. You see I give everything to Joe and most of it was never returned back to me. That is why I wasn't the same before. I was very cautious and since I lost my fight on that battlefield, there was none of my warrior or fighter spirit in me. It was like what flow, flow. I have no intention to chase or force it anymore. 

But overall, I realize that even though I feel like I was okay and moved on, my heart never did. She still need time to heal completely and that I was okay. I think when the right time comes, when Allah feels like I was completely ready, my knight in shining whatever will come. InsyaAllah. For now, I would just focus on self healing and myself.

On a side note, I realize that I really really do prefer a guy who can speak football language. I mean you can like Korean drama all you want but please know your football. It doesn't have to be the same team as mine. You can have my rival. I just need someone to fight with me if his teams lose with my team. You know just like Joe. He will definitely tease me in the last friendly match because his clubs win over mine. *chuckle

My little experiment

Life has been pretty weird actually. My parents seem like trying to hook me up with someone despite I clearly stating I want to be single forever, with no attachment, no settling down. I do not know which part of my word seems unclear. Seriously, it was so not fun and a bit annoying. I don't know if it is because I have made up my mind or the fact that I did not yet move on. 

The other day, my parents went to this open house organized by my dad's family side. It basically involves so many people that we just found out we related. So my dad was eager to go and be match-making over there. And they met this lady who invite them to go to her open house and wanted me to meet up with her son. I wasn't that keen obviously and my first reaction was FUCK. Yes, it came out randomly but I half meant it. 

I am avoiding saying anything related to that night and luckily for me, we did not go. I was relieved. But then it did not stop there. It seems like sometimes when it involves a guy, it feels like and it seems like the sentence shows as if they are trying to be match-making. I had made up my mind that I didn't want to get married and I devoted myself to being single forever. Why cant people just accept and respect that?? Was it so hard or was my word not clear? Please people enlighten me with this.

I did make up my mind but sometimes I do missing to have someone, being in love, falling in love. And the fact that I have finally deleted all the memories. Yep, no more conversations on WhatsApp, no longer the call log, gone were the pictures and phone number. Honestly, I never thought I was able to do it. I mean, how can you just walk away from these 13years of knowing each other? We spent so much time together, joking, sharing, and talking. I did not 100% move on. I miss him whenever I think about him and us. But he is not coming back. He's moved on and I shall do the same even though I might never be with anyone else after him. 

Despite having this kind of mindset, sometimes I do feel scared that I give up on love, and stop believing in love. I know that something inside me was broken after things ended. But I just want to know will this heart of mine is capable of liking someone other than Joe. And what better way of experiment and meet someone online. I mean kinda pro at this. I have been here before. I have few tricks hidden in my sleeves. So why not try it. I got nothing to lose. Besides if I had a change of mind and heart, I can just leave. I know it seems heartless but then I could feel my heart go in that direction if I did not try to do something. One more thing, we never know if that other person is legit or not. I mean if he is indeed a real person, the actual person that the picture belonged to.

Weirdly enough, I met these 2 divorcees in their late 30s. Yeah stable job i would say. One is a pilot and one is an engineer. But then they are too old and too mature. Sometimes it seems they like eager to find a wife to take care of their children. First of all, I am just here to try to feel something with my heart. I may not stay long and I will definitely leave when the purpose has been met. Secondly, I did not see myself being a mother of someone's child. I am not ready to get married and now you expect me to be ready to have a child? I don't think so. Thirdly, who the fuck just blurted you like this person and wanted more. We barely even meet face to face and know each other well. Come on. Are you that desperate? Ughh.. this is definitely a red flag and seems like straight-up bullshit. I am sorry I cannot be involved with this and lead you on when I know that this is not what I want at all. So i ghosted both of them and leave. Plus block and remove them. What a total nightmare. 

And then there is this the third one. I can't believe I say this but he makes me happy. He makes me giggle like I was a schoolgirl. I forgot how it felt since it has been so long. Maybe when I was in my teens or early twenties. I don't remember. But this feeling was so great. I was so excited and eager to talk to him. He was single and we just 2years gap which is just nice. 

It's just an experiment anyway. If we turn out to be more, so be it. But for now, it is just for me to know that I was not that heartless and that my heart is capable of liking someone or even feeling in love. And who knows maybe I am healing now.

Acceptance

 I did not feel like I was moving on, not completely. There was a time when everything seems so hard and all I want to do was curl up on my bed, cry my heart out while listening to Taylor Swift. But there was a time when everything was okay and I started to see the 'reason' behind everything happen for a reason. 

Of course, it did not happen in one night. And it is not depending on how many years you were together. That was a myth. It happens slowly but surely. It is not easy. But you get through it somehow. 

I know I'm going to talk mostly about weddings here but that just because he pop out the question then maybe he got cold feet and run away, and ask me to forget all about it as if it was just a meaningless word. Yep, so casually cruel in the name of being honest.

I might move on but I never forget. This was one of the wounds that leave a deeper scar and they last they last.

On Angah's day, he said he will come. It was a day he could not miss as Angah was his friend too. Even though I did not put high hope, I still wish he will come. I wear my best outfit at that time. I was preparing myself to meet him. I kept texting him to update him. I'm searching for his familiar face. I texted and then I called. But everything was left unanswered. Even though I put my brave and happy face on, God knows I'm falling apart deep down inside. I never get even an apology or some petty excuses. I think that was the turning point. And that was the moment I knew.

On Nadh's day, I still hold on to his words. I still hope that everything will be fine again. I imagine this was could be us one day. It will be perfect and we look so happy. 

On Mai's day, I already let go of the idea of us but there was always this 'what if' lingering in my head. I still hope he changes his mind and that he would come back. He will say all the right things. He will be here... and I would've been so happy.

On Farah's day. Honestly, I did not feel anything. I no longer hope. I knew we never stood a chance and that we will never be meant to be together. And for the first time, I am fine with that. I started to see why it happen the way it happen. I started to accept, that everything happens for a reason. I can no longer picture us together again. That dream or imagine was just a pigment that was slowly fading away, blown by the wind. Yes, I do miss him, miss us, and that the flashback sometimes crept back. But it goes away as time goes by. And it didn't feel hurting like it was before. 

And I started to see changes in myself after I have redha with everything and accept for what it is. I no longer has to fake a smile or pretend that I was happy and that everything was fine. Now I could say I'm genuinely happy. Happy with my life, happy with the choice I made. I no longer force things and let everything run its course. If it is meant to be, it will be. I am starting to write again. Not a lot like before but one or two posts a month was enough. Getting my old self back was not easy, but I started to love every bit, piece of myself. I think for now that's what's matters.

To be married or living a happy single life, that's the question.

I believe everyone has a dream of how their wedding goes, what kind of dress that they will be wearing, what are the theme, where this wedding will be. And if you have a significant other, you will imagine him/her beside you and how will it be. I bet you will be set on what age will you get married.

The dream is a dream and the plan is a plan. Sometimes it did not go the way we hoped for. But sometimes it did. 

I always imagine I will get married when my age turns 25. Or the very least, 26 or 27. But guess what, I'm way past 25 and 26. It does not seem it will happen at 27. So I could say I can kiss that dream goodbye and never think about it. 

When he popped out the question and even though I never said yes. But we did talk about it, dream about it, and plan about it. For the first time in my life, I really thought that I did finally found the one and that I am going to spend my entire life with this person. It feel surreal and I was ready to give my all. But then, we were done and it is over. It recks me like the titanic ready to sink. I feel numb like I was in a cold sea, waiting to die like Jack Dawson. It was a really cold, painful, heartbreaking, and sad journey. Something that I hope I will never ever face again. Honestly.

It did turn me into a bit cold person but never was heartless. I believe that everyone is destined to be with someone. And maybe just maybe I will find the one that I have been looking for. The one who did not easily change his mind, the one who did not leave me thinking I did something wrong, the one who did not walk away when things get hard, complicated, and real, the one who walk the talk.

But then even if he never comes around. I think I will be okay if I'll end up alone. I mean a significant other doesn't change my value or define my life. If I'm not with someone doesn't mean that I'm not happy. I have these close friends, my lovely family, and a career that I enjoy. It is more than okay.

I had this 'coffee talk' with my mom. And for the first time, I say it out loud, I never know if I want to get married. I mean I could find someone on Tinder, I could boldly talk to Ashraf on this crazy scheme but then, the question is, was I ready or want to get married in the first place?

It was not that I still did not move on or recover from the last heartbreak. I mean I think I was still in the process. But then that was a petty excuse when the reality is that I do not know if I ever want to get married. 

Please don't feel sorry or pity for me. Just be happy for me. Not all the same. Some really want to get married. but did not find anyone yet. So they create this tinder account or sell themselves on social media just to get attention to those who are looking for someone as well. If it works for you, that's good. I won't judge anyone for their choice but I shouldn't have participated in things that are culturally expected for my generation. This isn't just a fit for my style.

I'm starting to readjust my thinking about relationships and what makes a happy life. I am focusing on myself to really evaluate what makes me happy in life. I want to be a better person. I want to focus on growing, traveling, soaking up all the wonderful life events without worrying about finding Mr. Right.

Maybe one day in the future I'll meet someone, they'll spark something in my soul. Maybe that fairy tale is out there for me. I'm not saying that I'm completely put high hopes on it. If it happens then I will be able to go into it with a clear head. I will have learned how to love myself know what I want and need in life. If it doesn't come I also won't be devastated. Perhaps it just isn't in my cards. I may end up with a few cats but it doesn't make me a crazy lonely cat lady. In the end, I will have lived a fulfilled life with no regrets. 

Hey, I don't know, maybe I end up alone but you know what, maybe that's okay. Just pray nice things for me, and just be happy for me for whichever choice that I choose.

When did i get here?

Last saturday, i attend my close cousin getting engage. And suddenly... of course lah im going to make it about me.. Hahaha.. So, yeah the engagement. And there i was thinking, i dh smpai ke this phase ke? this era?

Actually, dh ada dua sedara i yg sama umur dgn i kahwin, ada anak dah pun. But since they all not close with me, like distant relatives so i tak ambik pusing sangat. I buat dont know and just enjoy my life. But this is along we are talking about. Yg memang rapat dri kecik. Yg memang suka sakat i. Yg memamg i je slalu boleh tahan kepala besar dia tu. 

Yep. He's engage already to whom. Tak perlu ler i nk cakap sapa. Hahahaha...

Since my close friends semua masih sibuk struggle siapkan tesis, assignment and mungkin kerje, it never really occur to me that this age was like a perfect time to settle down. I still like tak percaya yang along nk kahwin dah and i am this age where most people are setting down and have kids of their own. Because i still like wondering what series to watch since greys anatomy, the catch and supergirl dah habis dah. And games of thrones akan main bulan 7 nanti. Lama lagi. 

See... marriage just wasnt kick inside of me. Nak lak i takde calon. Nak lak i dgn joe memamg takde jodoh dah. So i malas lah nk fkir semua ni. In fact i was planning of not getting married ever. But then who us to decide. Macam mommy cakap, kalo jodoh datang, takkan nk tolak kot. Kalo joe, tak tolak lah kot. Hahahahaha... Takdelah memain je. Entahlah. For now i just nk focus on my studies, kerje and make me and my family happy. Tu je goal hidup i buat masa ni. Takde masa lah nk cinta cinta ni. Maybe to some other people finding love or a partner is a goal. But for me, it aint me.

Introvert/Extrovert/Ambivert

I always thought that i was an extrovert person due to my talkactive and 'idgaf' attitude and how easily i get along with people and yeah just loud.

But then i realize that maybe i was both. An ambivert what they would call. And maybe im still am.

But i guess as i grow up, i found my true self. Im not extrovert at all. Maybe a little bit but i was more to an introvert person. For those who know me, korng mestilah fikir, ye ke minah ni. Mcm tak je. Well hear me out guys. 

Yeah, i can be talkactive and loud and act crazy but most of the time i love to be alone like i will always find a time for me to be alone each day. I love being with people that i love or meeting new people, but i was actually rather stayed in my room and do a Grey's marathon. The reason that i seem like i could get along with some people is because dorng yg tegur i dlu, takkan i nk bwat sombong lak? Dhlah kdg2 ada orng label i sombong for the first impression. Or maybe sometime it was because i found someone yg ada interest like me. Contohnya, maybe dia minat tgk Grey's Anatomy or New Girl or Lord of The Rings. Kan similar interest makes people more closer, kan?? But serious guy, i am introvert. I recharge myself when i was alone with some books or some music in the background or watching a few episode of Grey's. But like i said, maybe i am both, an ambivert.

I adalah baca ciri2 introvert/extrovert ni mcm mne. Siap ambik kuiz lagi. Haha.. Takde kerja. Padahal kerja berlambak, menimbun lagi. Takpelah. Rehat kan minda. And i tak ingt actually i dpt which one. Maybe introvert kot. Pastu bila tgk ciri2 introvert pun mmg byk kt i. So terbukti lah i introvert kan.. 

Lagi satu i baca kan.. Orng introvert ni jenis yg ssh nk fall in love, jenis yg ske takes things really slow like people kene approach dia blah blah blah. I mmg mcm tu sbb mmg bkn jenis yg ske start first conversation. Nk yg laki je start dlu. Ask ashraf or any of my ex. Wlaupun maybe i bwat kerja gila dgn confess feeling i kt joe. Tak take things slow pun, tak malu2 pun. Betul2 bwat apa yg dia rasa sedap je. Tapi we both mmg take things slow. Like sangat slow smpai kalo nk race antara kteorng ngan siput babi. Confirm2 ah siput babi tu yg menang. Npe siput babi? Saje sbb nk carut sket. At least tak rasa bersalah sgt. Nama binatang tuu.. Mmg ada kan... 

Pastu kan kan orng ckp, orng introvert ni heartless orang nyer. And mengikut kata2 my mom and my dad, dorng sendiri ngaku anak pompuan dorng yg satu2 ni mmg heartless orng nyer. I tak cakap. Dorng yg ckp. Depan2 i lak tu. Ish ish.. 

Anyway, here i nk share psl ciri2 introvert yg i dpt dari blog Maria Elena.

1. Them being alone does not mean they're lonely. They're enjoying their time away from physical interaction with people.
2. They are not emotional (publicly). So don't expect them to cry over things you're crying over. They feel things, but just not expressive.
3. Publicly, they can be awkward or normal. If they're not in the mood, they're probably just stand in a group but seriously not listening to a word. If they are, they can talk and join in the conversation.
4. They're good at pretending they're listening (most likely for adults. Kalau teenagers tu, diorang belum asah lagi kebolehan ni).
5. If they like doing something, they will do it alone. Like playing games, travelling, watching movies, etc etc. So takyah terasa if you're left out. 
6. They don't care about what others think. Because they're introvert. So most likely, their inner voice is super loud sampai it can cover the noise around them. Their inner voice is just one voice i think...
7. They can be reasoned with, so don't think that introverts are selfish. They're okay je.
8. They can achieve stuff on their own. Like studying for exams.

Number 1, 2, 3, 4, 7 and 8 semua ada kt i. So, since im an introvert one, maybe i bley cari future husband i yg  jenis extrovert. So tak boleh lah ngan joe sbb dia pun mcm introvert je i tgk. Takpelah i kn both, ambivert. Or maybe i can change to extrovert later later. Who knows kan..  

Pain and happiness

Being miserable and sad and mad is kinda my thing. And thinking about bad things make me much calmer and relax actually. I know it is weird. Who loves the pain anyway? But somehow pain makes me feel alive and  appreciate for being alive.

So, bila suddenly i rasa mcm spark fly and happy and in love, i freak out. I rasa mcm something is goiing wrong, something bad is going to happen soon. Seriously, tak pleasant langsung rasa ni tau. Even though i start picturing all the bad things yg akan jadi but somehow the good things always came in a way. Like how joe muncul dlm mimpi i like everyday last week and i cant stop thinking of him, of him proposing, of us getting married. I mean whats wrong with me? Kenapa i bayang or berangan psl bnde tu semua? Its not going to happen any time soon or never going to happen. Yelah, belum tentu lagi dia jodoh i. We kinda busy with our lives right now. And i tak ready nk kahwin sekrng ni and the fact that sometime i rasa he deserve lots better and we just not meant to be together in the end. I know, insane right? The power of overthinking. 

It was actually pleasant and not pleasant feeling happy. I tau i ckp be happy and im going to allow myself be happy but it just didnt work. I kinda love and stuck with pain now.  I mean im happy. I really am. But i am much more happy with pain. Like kalo i bayang like joe bgitau i he found someone else and they end up married and i end up alone, it feels nice. Ok, jgn salah sangka ok. I like joe. I really really like him. Like u nk bukti apa lagi untuk i convince yg i betul2 ske joe. It just that im getting so used of the pain that i was more addicted to feel it and miss it when i didnt feel any of it. Happy just temporary but pain is permanent. Ughh.. Susah nk explain. Im complicated.

The thing is i love pain. But not the kind of hurting myself or abuse myself physically and left a bunch of hideous marks. Its the kind that pain that makes me hate everyone, people ruin my life and how i wanna get rid of people that i dislike for good. I just love pain and im trying to get used of this happy bubbly spark fly feeling. Im trying. Im not like i used to be. Bila i ingt diri i yg dlu. I miss her. She was so happy and she will be much more happy when she had these kind of thought. But not me, the new her. The new me is dark and cloudy. But i am trying.

Hypocrite vs Fake

First of all, u need to differentiate between hypocrite and fake. Then will only you understand it.

Hypocrite is kinda like backstabber. Kau lagak baik depan dia, puji dia blah blah blah tapi belakang dia, kau buat taik, kau ckp buruk psl dia, kau kutuk kutuk dia mcm kau bagus sgt and kau je yg betul. While fake is where.. well.. kau fake lah. Kau fake kau suka dia, kau fake yg kau ok je dgn apa yg dia buat wlapun deep down inside you, kau mmg nk strangle dia smpai mati or just push him in front of the bus pastu biar dia mati mcm george o'malley. Kau fake je, kau xdelah smpai puji melambung kt dia. You just pretend like you care but actually you dont care about all those shit that he/she said. Fhm tak? Tak fhm? Xpe, nnti i terangkn lebih detail lagi kay.. 

Kadang aku rasa mcm hati aku ni hitam sgt and my life is just full of hatred sbb cara aku react or think or maybe say. Mungkin aku mmg jenis yg akan tunjuk kalo betul2 tak suka kt sesorng itu. Like mcm haritu aku kene berjumpa dgn orng aku tak ske sbb ada event. Aku nk lari mcm mne kan? So aku salam dia pastu aku blah. Takdelah. Dia dduk dekat ngan aku pastu aku dgr lah dia ckp2. Seksa wei rasa. Aku tak tahan dgr dia ckp or hear any word that came out from his mouth. Aku rasa mcm nk ckp je kat dia, 'all the crappy things u said just now is bullshit and it sound so fucking bullshit'. And bagi mengelakkan bnde alah ni terjadi, aku pun blah. Duduk jauh dri dia. 

And then they are some people di mana sama isu dgn aku, tak suka dgn mamat tu sbb perangai dia yg jual ikan. Si penjual ikan kt tapak pasar malam pun lebih mulia tau. Tapi dorng lain. Dorng ckp je tak suka pastu komen2 perangai mamat tu. Tapi bila depan mamat tu, they welcome him with open door, with loving embrace like nothing happen, like what he do was right and does not bother you. And aku berdiri kt situ and was like, what the fuck is going on here? Suddenly u change side or u change ur mind or u just fucking idiot? Serious tak phm ngan orng mcm ni.

Tapi perlu diingatkn orng mcm tulah yg kau kene hati2 setiap kata yg kau ucapkan, setiap gerak geri dan tingkah laku kau, they are watching. Mungkin kau duduk satu meja ngan dorng pastu tetbe kluar isu psl orng yg kau tak ske and it turned out that dorng pun tak ske orng tu jugak. And kau sibuk cite psl dia semua and dorng pun did the same. Then one day tah mcm mne kau nmpk cara dorng lain orng tu mcm seolah2 takde rasa tak suka or benci. Ada kemungkinan dorng pun ada bercakap psl kau dgn org tu. Dorng tau semua rahsia buruk kau and dedahkn kt orng tu untuk jatuhkn kau. Seriously orng hipokrit jauh lebih bahaya. 

Bagi aku, aku dah sgt biasa dgn situasi mcm ni. Kalo aku betul2 tak suka orng tu, aku mmg tak kisah like lantaklah. Dri muka aku and cara aku pun dh boleh tau yg aku tak suka sesorng tu so kalo kau nk cite psl aku kutuk or ngata kt dia, go ahead. I really dont mind. I mean whats the point of hiding the obvious kan? But still untuk orng yg aku tak suka tak bersebab or sebab2 tak pasti, aku mungkin boleh dikatakan hipokrit sbb masih boleh fake and pretend mcm takde pape. Tapi mcm mne hipokrit pun aku, aku takkan cite kt orng psl apa certain orng ckp kt aku psl orng dia tak suka. I dont go selling people stories. That's cheap. Or paling low pun using to blackmail or ungkit or menjatuhkan sesorng. I just keep it to myself and lama2 nanti aku lupa lah sbb bnde tu tak penting pun. If you hurt my feeling, i wont go dig what u said 20 years ago and use it against you. I simply ignore you and whatever you do, i dont give a fuck about that. Hidup kau pandai lah kau urus sendiri. From that moment i dont like you, you are dead to me. And dont go and ask for my help coz all i ever going to give is nothing or some crappy shit that suit you perfectly. 

I think my honesty is something people should appreciate about. Ye, aku tau aku nmpk mcm takde manners and the fact that i was cold and heartless but cut me a slack will you. If you nice to me, i would do the same. If you messed with me, then you will deserve your price. Aku ok kalo orng ok. And aku takkan pernah tak suka seseorng tanpa bersebab. Im not that kind of person. Even though kdg nmpk mcm sebab aku tah pape je. But i had my point. It was up to u untuk terima or tak. Last time i check this is a free country. Tak taulah the future mcm mne kan. Point is, whatever you wanna be, hypocrite or fake, that was all really up to u. Anything that suit you and make u feel comfortable in your own skin. No matter what, just be happy :)

This overthinking and thoughts

I guess being a person who was over thinking and bitter and cold makes me think that happy ending just aint for me. That love just a myth and that it happen in fairy tales or to someone who was not me obviously. I tak tau nape but the idea of happily ever after just didnt work for me. I kinda not believe in happiness or even love sometime. I tau i bukannya dtg dari broken family ke apa or even have a massive heartbreak that turn me into this kind of monster. But i think it just the way i think. I know its weird. I mean i am happy. But do i really happy inside? I cant tell.

Being an over thinking has its own perks. Like you prepare yourself in whatever outcome. Mcm i, i always prepare or assume for the worst. I tak pernah prepare for the good things actually. Like good things bnde yg terakhir akan cross on my mind or never. Sbb tu kalo it was a good thing happen, i panic sbb i tak tau mcm mne nk react. I didnt prepare for this and i didnt expect this to happen. I mean i tau kita patut prepare the good and bad things. But in my case preparing myself for the bad things make me less disappointing.

But being like too over thinking buat you fikir yg bukan bukan. Like u make some scene in your head. Pastu u tak tau the other stroy from the other side tapi u just assume and u somehow make a scene in your head. I know. Sbb i rasa mcm byk kali gaklah i bwat mcm tu. Its a bad habit, i know. But it is my kind of habit. So i  wont change it.

Tapi sometime i rasa mcm my over thinking makes me push people away. Like well mcm i ckp tadi, i overthink, making some scene in my head pastu i just leave. Like what i do now with angah. She used to be my person. I used to tell her everything from friends to enemy and from boys to heartbreak. But now i cant even tell her about joe and i. Padahal she deserve to know and she will be so damn happy kalo dia dpt tau bnde alah ni sbb she always wanted we both be together. Since dia tau i ada feeling kt joe. She always like supporting and saying and hoping kteorng end up together. Well, sekrng ni takleh lah nk ckp kteorng end up together sbb we not couple or relay. We just friends with benefit? or more than friends but not lovers? Maybe sbb susah nk ckp or explain makes me feel like this thing should wait and untold. Tapi this kind of secrecy yg buat i mcm push dia away. Entahlah i sendiri tak paham diri i. Maybe it just me.

Calling Names

Isnt it a bit childish to call people names despite their physical appearance? I mean i get it if you still budak sekolah sbb i pun pernah. Tipulah kalo tak pernah kan? Baik mcm mne pun kau, kau mesti pernah bagi orng nama ikut kesesuaian dia lah. But i think tak pernah i bagi nama gemuk  kt seserong sbb dia gemuk or kurus mcm lidi sbb dia kurus kering. I mean it so obvious that it is common and its boring. Giving name should be fun and creative. Cewah. Aku mcm menggalakkan pulak. But i do have a point at the end okay. So just hear me out. 

I ingt lagi i pernah bagi nama 'hairdryer rosak' sbb well rambut dia mmg tak kene gaya langsung. And then 'radio rosak' sbb suara dia sumbang still ada hati/confident tok nyanyi kt public. Pastu ada lagi satu 'curve' sbb dia bajet ada buntut mantap gitu. Lgi satu 'the unincredible hulk (TUH) sbb dia takdelah strong sgt tpi bajet kuat gitu. Tak, i tak bape ingt sgt actually. Yg i tau dia ada crush kt i and we talked sbb i tak ingt sape yg memandai bagi number i kt dia, maybe one of my girls? And since dia tau rumah i, dia tunggu i kt lorng konon nk gi sklh sama2 ngan i lah. But i think conversation kteorng mlm tu kinda bwat i tak nak jumpa dia. Tu jelah sketsa pendek yg i ingt. 

See, creative tak? Haha.. Every name ada story yg orng tak sangka or tak tau. Ahh..the perks of it. Bukannya pointing out the obvious. Like kau panggil someone tu gemuk which dia mmg gemuk. You dont need to remind he/she that dia gemuk. Dia taulah dia mcm mana and dia happy je. Tpi bila kau pnggil dia mcm tu, self confidence dia turun sket and it could lead to depression. It could. Or kau panggil seseorng tu lidi sbb dia kurus kering. Trust me the thin people also ada anxiety dia tersendiri. Mesti uolls ingt, yelah dh kurus, dh perfect dh, ley pakai baju apa je. But they have lack of their own confidence. You see, kurus means that sometime or most of the time dorng takde certain baggage. Sbb tulah ada yg nk buat implant tits or ass. And jangan disangka yg orng lawa tu pun perfect sgt. They had their own body issue they battle off yang kita tak tau. Maybe dia cantik tpi dia tak suke kaki dia yg besar ke. Who knows. 

 

But over all, calling people names are so rude and mean. It should stop or you should just keep it to yourself. Tak perlu kot nk shout and saying those name out loud. Dont be an asshole or a douche bag. You aint perfect either. In fact no ones is perfect. But we just learn to love ourselves and make ourselves happy and improve ourselves to be better. All this giving name is such a waste of time. Maybe bagi kau it just a joke and all. But its not. Cuba kalo orang bagi kau nama lak. How would you feel? Jangan bohong lak kata kau okay je. Okay kt mulut, kt hati sape tau? 

So, embrace the beauty that god give us all. And no matter what people say or whatever you think of yourself, remember, you are beautiful in so many ways. Tak perlu nk masuk dewi remaja ke beauty pageant ke apa ke. Just be yourself and be happy. Always. :)

Kahwin? Haha.. Not now..

You guys must think that im taking my space and time and whatever. I am actually. But at the same time i was busy with exam and labs. Aku kene stay kot this cuti sem. A sacrifice that need to be made. Tahun akhir kan. So fhm2 jelh. Xpe. After this ley relax sket. Kot. I mean lpas abis everything lah. Ley travel2 ke hape. Kan kan.. Kalo duit ada.. Haha.. If not, berangan jelah. Takpun gi ler mana2 yg dekat. But i am not gonna talk about my busy-ness nii. I mean sape je nk dgr kan. Hahahaha.. And beside tgk title lah kan..

Hydrometer. One of method yg kene guna.

So, bulan 2 ni aku ada 2 wedding nk kene attend. Hari yg sama lak tu tpi tempat yg lain. Satu kt KL, satu kt Johor. Bapaklh. Matilanak! One is my high school friend and satu lagi sedara/classmate waktu matriks. Tak pahm? Well, jodoh kot. Tetbe ley lak sama tempat matriks pastu sama class. Tpi kteorng tak rapat sgt. MAybe kecik2 dlu rapat lah. Main masak2, pondok2, kahwin tu semua. But since semua dh grown up, we tore apart. Dlu aku, dia and angah rapat gila wei. Then she changed or maybe we changed. So last2 tinggal aku ngan angah je. Aku adalah gak try start conversation. Mana tau kot2 ley sambung balik ikatan terputus tu. Tpi tak boleh lah. Awkward gle wei. I seriously tak tahu nk ckp apa. Mcm ckp perkara basic je kot. So i guess that was it. Tpi takdelah sampai tak bertegur. Tegur. Dh classmate wei, pelik je nnti orng tgk. Dhlh sedara.

Which one should i go? Really.

Aku nk gi wedding kwn aku tu sbb alang2 the girls ada. So sambil tu ley lepaskan rindu. And then if i go to sedara aku nyer wedding, dpt jumpa angah. Last jumpa raya kot and that was last year. Just i hope kalo i gi wedding sedara i tu, xde mulut tempayang makcik2 yg dok sibuk tanya turn aku bila mcm aritu cousin aku kahwin belah my mom lah. Disebabkan i know nothing good will ever coming out from my mouth, aku just senyum dan senyap. Sbb aku tahu hanya makian dan ayat sarkastik yg akan kluar dri mulut aku yg comel ni.

Takdelah, yang aku tak paham. Rmai lagi yg atas2 aku tu tak kahwin lagi. Perlu ke persoalkn aku mcm tu. Mmg lah aku yg anak 1st and pompuan lak tu. Tpi chill lah wei. Ni 2016 kot. We had different perspective. To be honest, aku rasa sekrng ni mmg aku nk fokus on study, dpt scroll pastu kerja, pamper family aku n diri aku. Marriage is the last thing i will ever think about. Biar aku repeat and tekan kn. Marriage is the last thing i will EVER EVER think about. And tak tahu lagi sempat jumpa jodoh ke tak. Tetbe ajal yang dtg pinang dlu. Ha... And jodoh aku tu pun mungkin still tgh rilex2 enjoy2 and maybe still sesat tak jumpa jalan. Guna waze pun ley sesat sbb waze bagi jln dlm, jln kampung, jln tah pape. Aku bkn anti waze tpi waze mmg kadg2 wasting my time okay.

And last but not least, aku rasa mcm aku masih telalu kanak2 untuk kahwin. Mcm aku pernah mention dlu, bila kahwin nnti byk kot responsibility dia. And aku tak ready lagi. Aku student di mana waktu takde class diisikan dengan tido yang tak pernah cukup and movie2 yg ambik dri member and hu-ha-hu-ha dgn kwn2 sekepala. I dont even think im ready to settle with one person for the rest of my life. Dont get me wrong. I like joe and i've been like him for a few years. Lari mcm mne pun mesti lari balik ke arah dia. Puas cari rebound tpi semua aku reject last2. Setia sgt ni wei. Jampi apakah ini? Haha..

I like him and yeah i hope one day we will settle down with each other. But that time not now. Buat masa ni masing2 sibuk kejar impian masing2. And belum tentu lagi dia jodoh aku. So, i like the way my life is right now. I love my relationship with my family, my friends and joe and my cats. I wont change for a thing. I just like the way it is. The familiar and the comfortable that makes me happy. So apa kata jangan tanye ble aku nk kahwin lagi ke apa ke. Sbb takut apa yg terkeluar dri mulut aku ni agak pedas dan berbisa. Pastu nnti kau terasa and then nk tarik muka. Sbb aku mmg boleh jadi heartless and i got a resting-bitch-face. So im doing just fine.

Membebel pnjg2 pun still tak tau nk gi wedding yg mana satu. Hmm.. takpelah. Biar future nasuha yg fkir kan. Haha.. Apakah... Dh dh.. Lama tak blog tu yg merapu dia lain mcm tu. LOLs. :D

Thank you for understanding

Tdi date ngan dila. Lama gila beb tak jumpa. Yelah, masing2 sibuk dengan kehidupan masing2. Tapi alhamdulilah, masih diberi kesempatan untuk berjumpa dan berborak seperti biasa. Aku appreciate sgt friendship aku ngan dia sama mcm aku appreciate friendship aku dgn the girls and joe. Wlaupun yelah kdg2 aku took advantage. But im only human. So bnde tu perkara biasa kot. I mean, ngaku jelah, u be mean towards people u love. Tpi aku tak dapat nk terangkan kenapa and entry kali ni bkn nk ckp psl bnde alah ni. So abaikan. Ada masa nnti, aku cite naa..

Dapat lepak ngan dila at least sekali je satu sem wlaupun U sama wlaupun kolej lain n course lain n dh tentu2 fak lain. Tpi okaylah. At least jumpa and borak2 mcm biasa, mcm zaman roomate waktu matriks dlu. Tak awkward tu yg penting. Aku tak sangka yang somehow aku n dila lalui bnde yg sama. Dlu masa aku depress or having break down or breaking point tu, ble cite kt dila n dia pun ckp dia lalui. Wlaupun situasi dia berbeza tpi still sama. Masing2 tempuhi satu fasa dimana kita berubah menjadi orng lain, yg lebih responsible, mature. A breaking point like i said.

Sbb aku rasa point tu lah yg bwat aku jadi diri aku sekrng. And the fact that i get used of everything until i kinda miss it. Pelik tak kalo aku ckp aku rindu jadi sedih? Serious kot. Masa dok tgh sparks fly gitu asyik dgr lagu happy2 je and tetbe aku rindu jadi sedih. Sgt pelik tpi kenyataan. And wlaupun rmai yg tak caya bila aku ckp aku heartless tpi kenyataan nya mmg aku heartless. Parents aku pun ckp mcm tu and jgn ckp dorng tak kenal aku. Dorng lebih kenal aku lebih drpd kau ok sbb dorng ada masa aku jatuh, masa aku depress. And wlaupun time tu aku mmg rasa kesian sbb buat dorng risau tpi aku tak boleh bwat apa2. I cant control my emotion. It just what i feel that time. Tpi aku cuba bangkit and cuba tak bunuh diri. So last2 this is me. The cold heartless bitch who care less and wear a mask 24/7. Cuma tulah maybe dorng tak tau cite so dorng label aku mcm tu tpi tak kisah lah. Janji aku tau sape diri aku. Tu yg penting.

And kali ni cite aku sama ngan dila lagi but it involve love. Aku cite kt dila psl joe and dia cite kt aku psl ehem dia. Sama je mcm aku. Dorng pun tak slalu msg. Ada masa baru msg. Pastu dua2 tak declare pape. Take it slow and pegang pada jodoh. Dua2 nk enjoy and tumpu pada impian masing2. Sama je mcm aku ngan joe. And bila orng tnye psl aku n joe. And bila aku jwb, kitaorng ok je. Orng akan start skeptical like ye ke ok. Actually kitaorng ok tapi........

dan tapi tu lah aku tak dapat nk teruskan. Sbbnya aku malas nk explain. Bknnya korng faham pun. Aku sendiri tak tau and tak paham. Apatah lagi korng. So, let it be.

Pastu kn yg psl 'skandal' aku tu kan. Dila pun kinda mcm aku. Classmate dia gak. Dia start rapat ngan budak tu pun sebab ada program debat. And aku pun sama lah sbb program ngan bdk matrik thun lepas. And wlaupun aku n dia ye kn je semua mcm betul2 tpi sebenarnya main2 and masing2 tau it just a joke. People around us didnt really get it. Well, dorng tau main2 tpi still dorng wondering and worried if salah sorng dri kitaorng akan jatuh hati. And since 'skandal' aku tu jenis peramah tahap player so of course lah dorng takut aku yg goyang. Sbb kalo nk ikutkn ramai yg ske dia or rmai yg akhirnya terske dia. Aku admit aku pernah ske dia dulu masa sem 1 first year dlu tpi kejap je. Dlm 2 minggu je kot pastu aku dh busy balik ngan joe. So, aku pun terus lupa psl dia. 

Dorng tau yg aku ske joe dlu pun lpas break ngan ashraf sbb joe always be there for me, make sure i was ok. So donrg mcm takut kalo aku nk move on dri joe aku gne 'skandal' aku tu as rebound sama macm aku akan2 gne joe as rebound to move on from ashraf tpi actually tak pun ok. He was my best friend. And dorng tak tau or maybe lupa or i lpe bgitau is the FACT that aku n joe dh kenal almost 10 TAHUN. And aku bkn terus kenal joe terus ske tau. It took a lot of wrong guy and wrong relationship. And masa mula kenal pun aku dh set kt kepala otak aku yg geliga ni yg aku n dia takkan lama. Kenal sbb salah nombor so tak mungkin lah nk kenal lama2, tak penting pun. Esok lusa lupalah. Tpi sapa sangka. He was my best friend and one of my important person. Aku kenal joe masa 2006 n aku start ske dia masa 2011. And masa kteorng berkawan, aku dh couple sebyk 8 kali termasuk ashraf. Ashraf is the last one and aku tak tau npe lepas ashraf baru aku realize feeling aku kt joe wlaupun even the girls and ex aku ckp psl aku n joe tu dh lama dh. Tpi aku deny. And aku deny lagi masa aku terima ashraf balik dengan harapan feeling aku kt joe akan kurng. Tpi tak. Makin kuat dan menyakinkan. And smpai sekrng wlau mcm mne pun, feeling tu takkan pergi. Mungkin akan pergi bila dia nk kahwin kot. Mungkin. Gila kau, crush kt laki orng. I am not person like that. So bgitau aku tang mana yg aku akan goyang nyer?? 

So it was really really nice to talk to someone yg fhm kau and nak lak situasi akan2 sama so bonding dia lagi kuat lah. And nak2 lak sejak akhir2 ni aku mmg agak goyang sket tpi bkn goyang terske orng lain. Cme aku ada doubts and aku rasa nk move on and he deserve better, not this train wreck person. So bila borak ngan dila, She understand me and understand my situation without even i need to elaborate more. So it feel nice and warm. And she make me realize and change my mind. Sbb mmg tu yg aku perlu pun actually. Aku cuma ingt aku perlu kn joe untuk ingt kn aku akan2 mcm lagu Tolong Ingtkn Aku by Ana Raffali tu. Tpi actually aku just perlukn orng untuk ingt kn aku. For someone who prefer/ like to be alone, its nice to let everything out and share/talk with someone and find someone who understand you better. So thank you miss dila. Saya hargai masa dan kata2 anda. Terima kasih.

Looking back 2015

I did this throwback kind of thing just mcm reflect of things that i did or going through sepnjg tahun tu. Bkn mcm pesbuk ok. Come on lah pesbuk throwback gmbr kot. Sgt menyakitkn hati. I mean i dont need you to remind of all those hurtful things. Of course ada good times but no thank you. Who are you to remind me huh? I am me. I remind myself and im the one who decide that i will go visit to memory land or not. Not you Mark. Definitely not you. And you. And you. But me.

Rasanya tahun ni berlalu dgn cepat. Serious kot. Tup tup tgk dh nk akhir tahun. I didnt remember half of it actually. But i remember that i pernah bagi advice kt kwn i sorng ni. Dia mcm distracted and overthinking. Mulut dia ckp je tak ambik kisah psl apa orng lain ckp but deep down i know he did a lot of thinking and he keep it inside until it built quiet a strong tall wall. I terus terang lh ngan dia apa yg i rasa. And wlaupun dia deny. I've been through this thing every day. You cant fool a pro. Kau fkir mcm mne aku boleh stay happy and positive like all the time? Bcoz it is in my nature? You are wrong. Sbb honestly i think i get used of it. I get used of the pain, the sadness, the heart break and the faking. I get used to everything. And i know i couldnt be save anymore. But i could save him. So i give him advice. And for now i think dia ok je. He ignore the noise and the people he dislike.

Lately ni i byk terjumpa psl confession. Kt twitter, kt blog, u name it.. Kt radio pun mcm ada je. Kt tv jgn ckp lah. I cant stop watching Love Rosie kay.. Tpi betul lh, if u like someone, tell them. Kene reject ke apa ke, tu belakang kira. If h/she didnt feel the same, its ok, move on and have faith. You will meet someone who are better. Or mcm ada this guy bgitau i masa i confess kt dia and he reject me bcoz he is in love with some other girl tpi tu cite lama. Ceq dh move on lama dh. He said, 'one day you will found someone or a person that will take your heart and never throw it away'. Smpai sekrng kot i still ingt. And sadly i didnt found that someone yet. Ok, maybe i did or maybe i dont. Who cares. Tu first confession lah. Yg second one. I bkn takut nk bgitau dia sbb i pernah kene reject. Tpi sbb dia kwn baik i and i fkir kalo i bgitau apa i rasa kt dia, i akan ruin our friendship and this friendship is all i had. I couldnt afford losing him. Bayangkanlh i dgn dia mcm Erik and Pam wlaupun they not really together even as friend. Pastu lagi satu i masih ragu2. But then i bgitau dia apa yg i rasa and tak sangka dia pun ada perasaan yang sama. And the rest is history. And the future is full with mystery. At least i had a gut or a ball to tell him what i felt after all this years, after all the wrong relationship and wrong guy. I told him and i feel relieve. Never do i feel any regret.

I think i change every year. And even though i miss the old me but this was all part of grown up, part of life. And i think i still experiment of who i want to be. Im thankful for the people that stay with me throughout this 2015 and the i cherish every moment and adventure i had. Hoping there will be more next year. Insyallah. :)

 Ok, thats all for now. Lets do the countdown of welcoming 2016, and saying farewell to 2015.

Kenapa perlu berskandal??

Kenapa perlu berskandal??

Tak perlu pun actually skandal or kekasih gelap or kekasih sandaran ni. Seriously tak perlu. Xspecially ble korng happy bahagia ngan korng nyer significance other. So kenapa perlu berskandal?

Saja suka suka? Mengisi masa lapang? Bwat spare part?

Amboi korng nii.. melampau tau takk...

Tpi actually bley diterima pakai gak sbb ada byk situasi berskandal ni actually.

1. Situasi pertama

- Kau dgn skandal kau dua2 dh ada pasangan. Bahagia. Tpi mungkin sbb korng rapat tpi bkn best friend ke apa tau. Just kawan mungkin sbb korng ada member yg sama or korng sama course or apa apa jelah. Kwn sahaja and member2 korng lak rasa mcm korng nmpk ngam together. Nk lak ble kenen kn korng bedua, korng ye kn je. Mcm seolah2 korng betul2 together tpi masing2 takde simpan perasaan pelik. Mcm aku ckp kawan je. And masing2 bahagia dgn pasangan masing2. Ni dipanggil desakan member sekalian. Well, mungkin korng mmg end up kwn je ngan skandal korng or mungkin korng end up together or maybe salah sorng ada simpan suatu perasaan. Member aku ada ckp, skandal is the best than boifren/girfren ni and potensi untuk end up ngan skandal tu adalah tinggi. Aku tak pastilah bpe percent yg akan end up ngan skandal dorng. Aku mls nk run poll kt twitter tu. But who knows kn? The future is a mystery.... Haha

2. Situasi kedua

- Korng berskandal dgn dia sbb kau minat dia tpi dia dh ada gf/bf tpi dia minat kt kau gak cuma entahlah tak tau npe dia tak nk break off. And kau snggup tunggu dia break. Tpi ni dh kira curang tau and korng dianggap perampas and desperate. Serious dowh. Orng mcm ni kau move on jelah. Takyah nk berskandal bagai. Just leave while u still can. Sbb kalo dia dh ske kau, npe dia tak break ngan pasangan dia and together ngan kau? Jangan nk nyanyi lagu Jadikn Aku Yg Kedua by Astrid tulah. Tu tanda2 manusia yang desperate. Mcm takde orng lain. Mmg lah takde orng mcm dia. But you deserve better. So akhir kata. Run while you still can *ckp satu satu perkataan tau

3. Situasi ketiga

- Situasi yg ni sama mcm yg kedua cuma both dh ada pasangan masing2 tpi mungkin tak berapa bahagia or maybe bahagia. Tpi entahlh nk gak berskandal. And somehow korng dua ada feeling kt each other. Tpi entah maybe somehow korng taknak tinggalkn pasangan korng. Mungkin berskandal kinda make everything excited and feisty. Maybe. Tak tahulah. Tak pernah experience rasanya. Haha..

4. Situasi keempat

- Aku tak pasti lah dia layak ke tak untuk dipanggil skandal. Sbb nyer dua dua single, dua dua main main je, dua dua tak serius pun, dua dua just.. entahlah.. Mungkin bukan skandal rasanya. More to fobia cinta. Tpi lantaklah blog aku biar lah aku nk letak n tulis apa pun. Korng baca je and percaya or ikut mana perlu. Cewah.. Haha..

Ada gak kwn aku ckp yg skandal ni teman waktu bosan je. Teman berborak. Mungkin betul kot dia ckp. Entahlah. Aku? Skandal? Ada n betul lh peneman saja sbb hati ku hanya nk yg kt muar tu gak while skandal aku nk gewe dri kelantan tu gak. Lgipun skandal aku ni mcm womanizer sket. He treat everybody the same ok. So whatever. Janji masing2 takde simpan perasaan pelik or pape. So, kira ok lah tu.

Lgipun kdg2 lebih baik berskandal wlaupun kau mungkin dh ada significance other. Janji takde feeling lebih lebih lah dgn skandal. Dripd korng dh ada someone tpi duk still minat kt this particular person pastu tunjuk lak tu kau minat dia. Ish ish.. Move on please..

Sekian~
Gi layan lagu Sephia by Sheila on 7 smpai bosan
XD

Human Settlement

Aritu tgh dok berangan2 dlm kelas. Well, bkn kelas dia tak interesting. It just that time tu ptg and xley nk masuk dh apa yg dia ckp. Tpi tetbe mata aku terus segar ble dia ckp human settlement. Segar gle wei. Haha..

Apa yg ada kt human settlement?

Ok, as a marine science student, aku ada belajar psl larvae settlement di mana larvae tu ble dh smpai cues, dia akan settle pada satu substrate. If tak dpt cues or tak jumpa tempat yg suitable, dorng akan delay untuk settle. Dorng ley delay selama mana yg dorng nk or dorng ley settle mana2 tmpt if dorng sgt2 terdesak.

So aku dpt satu teori yg boleh diguna pakai dan dipanggil human settlement. Cbe bygkn. Kita as human being. Satu masa nnti bila smpai seru nya untuk settle down as in kahwin, kte akan kahwin. Or ble kita jumpa someone yg compatible and suitable untuk kita, mestilah kita halalkn hubungan tu. Smpai bila nk kumpul dosa ni. Bawak anak dara orng ke hulu ke hilir ha. Tpi ada gak kalo kita tak dpt seru lagi as in nk enjoy wat lek wat peace dlu or kita rasa mcm kita xjumpa lagi orng yg sesuai ngan kita, mestilah kita tak settle down lagi wlaupun ingin. And ada certain people akan cekup mana2 laki or pompuan untuk kahwin maybe desakan family ke apa ke or tekanan dri masyarakat yg berfikiran taboo. And kita harap mungkin lpas kahwin ni akan muncul perasaan cinta dan kasih. Or paling kurng pun cerai. The end.

Ley pakai kan teori aku ni. Aritu ada aku bebel kt twitter psl human settlement ni tpi xbyk lah sbb kt twitter kn limited words dia. Takde feel langsung. So aku meroyan lah kt blog. Haha.. *evil laugh

And aku tergolong dlm golongan yg xdpt seru lagi, nk enjoy wat lek wat peace. Serious kot aku ckp. Rmai je yg sama umur ngan aku dh kahwin n nk kahwin. Even sedara sama umur ngan aku dh kahwin n akan kahwin thun depan. Tpi aku.. entahlah wei. Mmg tak rasa pape. Rasa mcm tak nk kahwin pun ada gak wlaupun ske berangan kahwin kdg2. Haha.. Aku dh mcm Arizona Robbins lak. Tpi minus the lesbian part. Mungkin satu hari nnti ada lah tu dpt seru. Maybe. Maybe not. Either way, im happy just the way i am right now. And thats what matter the most for me actually.

Sekian~

 

The Criteria

Post yg ini diinspirasikan dri cite 'Cinta Bulan Disember'. I slalu tak layan sgt drama melayu. Ceh bajet. Haha.. But since Redza Minhat yg tweet psl cite ni so i pun tgklah. Not bad. And wlaupun i dpt agak jln cite dia and how's the ending tpi dia still buat i rasa nk tgk gak smpai habis. Ok ok.. 

For those yg tgk cite ni, korng mesti perasan psl ciri ciri lelaki yg dia nk kn? And for those yg tak tengok, let me tell you. This girl, Liyana nk lelaki yg lahir pada bulan disember, kene suka ice cream strawberry and boleh get along ngan abah dia. I get the other criteria. I cuma tak fhm, gigih gle wei nk cari lelaki yg lahir bulan disember. Bapak aahh.. Gigih siak wa ckp lu. Tpi nama pun cite kn so of course lah dia dpt jumpa guy yg lahir bulan disember. Nk settle down dh, nk kahwin dh, he's the one blah blah blah.. Tpi end dia, she didnt end up with that guy. She met other guy who born on Disember. Cite.. Fairytale abis.. 

Tajuk pun psl kriteria kan. I pun ada gak ciri ciri lelaki idaman. Eh cewah.. Haha.. Well, lelaki tu tak semestinya kene lahir bulan Mei (sbb tu bday aku). Tpi kalo ley dia kenelah berbintang Taurus or Virgo. Kenapa? Tak pasti tpi mcm okay kot. Compatible dan chemistry dia tu ada. Kot lah. Sumber mana tah aku ambik n kt mana tah aku perasan. Tpi tak kisah. Bkn perkara wajib. Second, he must be a foodie person. Yelah, nnti dgn sape i nk gi food hunting. Tak bestlah nnti. Tak pasal pasal i syok sendiri nnti. Ni wajib kay. Third, dia mesti ske vintage things, vespa ke apa ke, tak kisah lah. Janji ske. Ni separa wajib. Forth, dia tak semestinya fan JDT or fan Liverpool. Tpi dia kene ada fan of mana mana football club. Tak kisahlah. Selangor ke MU ke.. Ada kay lelaki yg tak minat bola. One of my ex and one of my friend. Dorng just tgk tpi mcm takde interest and choose mana yg dorng ni. Seriously? I tak fhm spesis ni. I kalo tgk bola yg bkn i nyer team main pun, i tak sokong mana mana. I tengok je. Bkn team i. I nk tukar channel, remote takde. Layan kn jelah. Ok, where am i... Fifth, mestilah ley get along with my family and respect my parents, boleh bimbing i. Ok kene stop sbb i dh start berangan dh ni. Parah parah.. Haha

Biasalah pompuan. Kuat berangan.. Yep i think thats all for now for the criteria. Take care. Bye :)

Bringing back the classic of writting

I xtau npe but tetbe i rasa mcm cool gila kalo ada diary. Pastu each year diary kene sama. Meaning buku dia lah. Jenis, colour dia, semua kene sama. Wlaupun entry dlm dia berbeza. And of course the year. 1 buku 1 tahun wlaupun most of the buku tak habis pun, xsmpai the very last page gitu. Maybe separuh or almost nk abis. But still 1 year 1 diary.

Ni semua pengaruh cte Grey's Anatomy lah ni and maybe Gossip Girl. Sbb xsilap i lah i ada tgk satu episod yg showed that Blair ada a set of her diary. Byk gila wei n tersusun mengikut year n semua sama jenis buku dia. Sama lah mcm Ellis Grey yg tulis diary smpai diary dia ada dlm 2 kotak rasanya. Tpi like seriously bapak byk lah. Pastu sekrng anak dia baca. Kinda like a novel untuk anak dia padahal cte betul tu, reality. Mcm Christina Yang prnh ckp, "this was like a harry potter book i never had". Xsilap i lah dia ckp mcm tu.

Tpi point dia cool kan? For me lah. For korng, xtaulah. Laen orng laen pandangan dia kn. Dlu before starting blog, i had like a bunch of diary. Sejak umur i 11 years old kot. I started to write on a diary. Wlaupun ble baca balik sumpah kelakar wei. Nmpk sgt xmatang time tu. Ape je tah i merapu and meroyan kt dlm tu. But it was fun. Looking back to the past and just laugh about it u know. The feelings different in the future than the past. Mungkin masa i tulis tu i tgh marah ke or sedih ke. But when we read it now, mesti terlintas kt kepala otak tu, "oh my apalah yg i membebel ni" or "seriously i wrote that? wow.". 

See, cool gila kn? So who knows tetbe new year nnti i start tulis diary and onwards. Each year one diary but diary yg sama design n colour. Pastu nnti ble dh tua2 xtau apa nk buat dh. Ley ler baca balik dgn husband or kucing if i end up being a cat lady. Pastu gelak and imbau kenangan lama. Cewah. Or maybe my kids can read it and laugh about it like "what was my mom thinking?" or "i never knew she was that wild back then". 

Ceit, jauh betul aku mengelamun ke hadapan. Haha.. Ok, so, we see. First kene cari buku yg sesuai dulu lah. Yg boleh dpt every year wlaupun i ske bnde rare. But if not xpe. A diary is a diary kan. Tpi masih ragu2 sbb yelah i ni kan ske stalk diri sendiri, ske baca balik apa i post. Kalo kt blog, i could read it before i go to sleep, even when the lights are off. Kalo kt buku, kene lah bkk lampu balik. Pastu kene sorok. Nnti orng laen baca. Kt blog boleh private kn if xnk orng baca. N boleh tipu kita nyer identity. Kalo buku, orng boleh kenal tulisan kita n kalo kte sorok dkt barang2 kita dh sah2 ler kita punyer. Tpi xpelah. Ceq cuba ceq cuba. Haha.. 

But i never forget to update my blog. Cuma mungkin akan makin jarang lah. People change and we just have to keep up. :)

Those loser moment

Nobody is perfect. Everyone has their own weakness that they may try to hide it and battle with it.

I found someone who was feel like such a loser for asking for help. Dia rasa diri dia proud sgt. And sgt down bila dia kene mintak tolong kt orng. Wlaupun time tu dia mmg desperate in need of someone help and actually orng tu tak kisah pun nk tolong dia. Contoh mcm dia sakit and tak larat. Takkan lah nk biarkan dia mcm tu. Of course people will help no matter what. Sbb fhm keadaan dia. But no. Dia rasa sgt loser and helpless kene mintak tolong kt orang. Mungkin sebab takut terhutang budi kot. Sbb i pun kdg2 mcm tu gak. Sbb takut terhutang budi. And i hate terhutang budi dgn orng. Sbb i rasa i perlu sacrifice something untuk orang tu and i tak ske. Tpi depends gak. I xde lah rasa loser sgt. Sbb sometime we do need help from other people. 

Then i found someone yang sgt positive tpi xboleh orng lagi positive dri dia. Dia rasa sgt loser and boleh lead to negativity. Dia akan rasa down and lose confidence sbb ada orng lgi positive dri dia. Kalo i... i tak rasa loser sgt. Tpi tulah bila someone become positive than me, i could being so negative wlaupun i desperately need someone untuk positive kan i balik wlaupun jugak i akan tetap stay negative regardless how positive that people is. I tetap dengan pendirian negative i. Tpi tak sampai rasa loser. Mungkin down tu adalah kot.

And as for me.. I sgt tak suka rasa jealous. Sgt sgt tak ske. I akan rasa sgt loser and down bila bila i rasa jealous ttg something and someone. And i akan cuba fight and hide it pretty well. Tpi i sgt tak ske perasaan jeles. Selama ni i ckp je i jealous about something, i tak pernah bermaksud kn pun. I just saja ckp. Kalo nk ikutkan jeles psl xdpt tgk jdt match kat dataran tu xde lah jeles sgt sbb i dpt tgk kt cafe zaaba, dpt rasa gak suasana meriah dia. And psl jeles xdpt gi cafe vintage and naik vespa semua tu pun xde apa sgt pun. Dh move on dh pun. Sbb i dpt gi byk lagi cafe vintage or hipster yg best best. N psl vespa, xpe, one day. Xkemana lah vespa tu. Tpi i pernah kot jeles psl orng nyer score. Time tu rasa mcm nk bunuh diri je sbb sgt tak ske sgt perasaan tu tapi tetbe terasa. And of course i akan cuba buang jauh jauh. Sgt tak ske. And sekrng ni, i ada perasaan jeles terhadap this particular person. I tak tau npe i rasa jeles sgt bila dia dgn orng laen wlaupun orng laen tu kwn i sendiri. I tak suka perasaan ni. Kalo i dapat buang satu perasaan, i lebih rela buang perasaan jeles daripada sedih dan marah. Sgt tak suka perasaan ni. Selalunya mcm biasa lah bila rasa jeles je, i akan cuba buang jauh jauh and move on. Tpi masih tak boleh nk move on. Tak paham lah. Selama ni tak pernah pernah rasa jeles kt ashraf and joe. Tpi ngan dia,perasaan jeles ni membuak buak. Sgt xske. Npe perlu jeles. Xde apa yg nk jeleskan nya. Dia bukan sapa sapa pun. Npe perlu jeles?! Ughh.. Xske perasaan niiiii!!!!!! Serious sgt tak ske perasaan niiiii!!!!!

Dan i masih mencari lagi those loser moment on someone or weakness..