My little experiment

Life has been pretty weird actually. My parents seem like trying to hook me up with someone despite I clearly stating I want to be single forever, with no attachment, no settling down. I do not know which part of my word seems unclear. Seriously, it was so not fun and a bit annoying. I don't know if it is because I have made up my mind or the fact that I did not yet move on. 

The other day, my parents went to this open house organized by my dad's family side. It basically involves so many people that we just found out we related. So my dad was eager to go and be match-making over there. And they met this lady who invite them to go to her open house and wanted me to meet up with her son. I wasn't that keen obviously and my first reaction was FUCK. Yes, it came out randomly but I half meant it. 

I am avoiding saying anything related to that night and luckily for me, we did not go. I was relieved. But then it did not stop there. It seems like sometimes when it involves a guy, it feels like and it seems like the sentence shows as if they are trying to be match-making. I had made up my mind that I didn't want to get married and I devoted myself to being single forever. Why cant people just accept and respect that?? Was it so hard or was my word not clear? Please people enlighten me with this.

I did make up my mind but sometimes I do missing to have someone, being in love, falling in love. And the fact that I have finally deleted all the memories. Yep, no more conversations on WhatsApp, no longer the call log, gone were the pictures and phone number. Honestly, I never thought I was able to do it. I mean, how can you just walk away from these 13years of knowing each other? We spent so much time together, joking, sharing, and talking. I did not 100% move on. I miss him whenever I think about him and us. But he is not coming back. He's moved on and I shall do the same even though I might never be with anyone else after him. 

Despite having this kind of mindset, sometimes I do feel scared that I give up on love, and stop believing in love. I know that something inside me was broken after things ended. But I just want to know will this heart of mine is capable of liking someone other than Joe. And what better way of experiment and meet someone online. I mean kinda pro at this. I have been here before. I have few tricks hidden in my sleeves. So why not try it. I got nothing to lose. Besides if I had a change of mind and heart, I can just leave. I know it seems heartless but then I could feel my heart go in that direction if I did not try to do something. One more thing, we never know if that other person is legit or not. I mean if he is indeed a real person, the actual person that the picture belonged to.

Weirdly enough, I met these 2 divorcees in their late 30s. Yeah stable job i would say. One is a pilot and one is an engineer. But then they are too old and too mature. Sometimes it seems they like eager to find a wife to take care of their children. First of all, I am just here to try to feel something with my heart. I may not stay long and I will definitely leave when the purpose has been met. Secondly, I did not see myself being a mother of someone's child. I am not ready to get married and now you expect me to be ready to have a child? I don't think so. Thirdly, who the fuck just blurted you like this person and wanted more. We barely even meet face to face and know each other well. Come on. Are you that desperate? Ughh.. this is definitely a red flag and seems like straight-up bullshit. I am sorry I cannot be involved with this and lead you on when I know that this is not what I want at all. So i ghosted both of them and leave. Plus block and remove them. What a total nightmare. 

And then there is this the third one. I can't believe I say this but he makes me happy. He makes me giggle like I was a schoolgirl. I forgot how it felt since it has been so long. Maybe when I was in my teens or early twenties. I don't remember. But this feeling was so great. I was so excited and eager to talk to him. He was single and we just 2years gap which is just nice. 

It's just an experiment anyway. If we turn out to be more, so be it. But for now, it is just for me to know that I was not that heartless and that my heart is capable of liking someone or even feeling in love. And who knows maybe I am healing now.

Cerita Hambar

2 minggu lepas aku gi pesta buku. Mula saja pancing mommy bcoz she loves to read novel. Just like me. Cuma mommy nyer version yg dewasa nyer lah, yg jenis jiwang karat. While mine... entah. Open minded maybe? Aku pernah lh kasi mak aku baca novel melayu jenis yg aku ske, dia ckp apa tau. Dia ckp dia xpaham, otak dia xley terima. Mungkin betul popular ckp, novel itu guna bahasa melayu rendah. Tpi lantaklah, janji aku paham, yedakk?

So yeah, dpt lah novel yg aku dok cari2 selama nie. Ye, shh kot nk cari. Mungkin ada kt bookstore aku gi except popular sbb kne banned. Mungkin aku terlepas pndang? Mungkin.

Anyway, balik tu. Gedik2 ambik gmbr, letak kt twitter, tagged publisher tu. Gedik kn? Haha.

Then, pastu, tetbe adalah sorng mamat nie tegur aku kt twitter. Dia ckp dia ada terperasan aku masa aku dok sibuk pilih buku. Jap, sebelum tu, this not some cliche story psl guy met girl kt kedai buku. Then too shy to say hi. Jumpa lak kt social network, so let say hi. Tak tak. Tu smue lie. Mungkin jadi kt novel or cite2 drama2 kt tv tu.

Okay, bebalik pada story aku, aku ckp lh mungkin ada lah kot terselisih tpi aku xperasan sbb sibuk pilih buku. Mmg lah. Wlaupun dh mata 4. Aku nie jenis yg kalo dh nmpk apa yg dia nk, dia akan terus gi je. Xpndang dh kiri ke kanan ke belakang ke depan ke. Sbb tu kdg2 orng kata aku nie sombong masa mle2 jumpa. Kali kedua jumpa pun orng label aku sombong. Berkali kali jumpa pun orng akan ckp aku sombing. Dh jumpa and dh kenal, baru dorng kata aku nie peramah jugak orng nyer. So lesson learn dia, dont judge book by its cover ye syg2.

Psal mamat tu? Lpas a few time borak. Aku xtau nk borak apa. So aku pun xbalas. Dia pun xde nk tokok tambah. So.. the end. hehe

Tpi aku sure lah dia salah orng nie sbb drpd gmbr aku tgk, rasanya xde lak perasan mke tu wujud kt tmpt tu. Hmm.. Mungkin adalah kot terselisih. Kdg2 mata aku nie sempat scan je. Part smpai ke otak tu mungkin dia delete or dia simpan. Ikut dia lah kn. And mungkin dia pun baru perasan dia tersalah orang. Haha. Kn kn kn..

It jelah cte hamabr aku. Haha.. Moga terhibur. :D

Bebelan

To be honest i nmpk je jenis yg ramai kwn. Hu-ha sana, hu-ha sini. But to be clearly, im quite lonely. I think the people i mostly comfortable were the girls. They my everything. I couldnt leave without them. Tipu. I could cme.. keadaan dia sama mcm i hilang joe lah. Seriously broke up with your bestfriend is the worst than broke up with your lover. Mmg lah sama je we never find someone like them. Tpi bygkn bestfriend lh the one yg kau share everything. Your dirty little secret or your darkest meanist thing you ever do. So dia laen kay. Sbb kalo lover nie, aku tau korng xkn share 100% pasal diri korng ngan dia. I know they saw you in your worst time or bitch time but still, will you share to your lover psl kau pernah lost virginity or you had your first kiss. Kau xkn cte kan? Tpi ngan bestfriend kau mesti kau cte. Kn kn.. The happy time kau ngan love kau or the break up where you use lot of curse words. Yg atas tdi tu contoh je tau. Jgn fkir laen lak.

I know the girls since sklh lagi. So bygkn lah bape byk rahsia dorng tau and maybe some dh lpe kot. Bnde dh lepas dh kn. Xpenting dh. And alhamdulilah, syukur sgt2 sbb our frindship last till now. Syg korng sgt2 sbb masih bertahan dgn perangai i yg gedik, annoying n awesome nie. Hehe.. Then ble ke matriks, i met amy. Rasa prnh cte kt entry sebelum2 nie. I ingt lpas matrik dh tputus dh friendship nie sbb smue dh blajar jauh2. Wlaupun dia dduk muar n ley jumpa tpi i nie gi balik muar bpe kali lh sgt kan. So mmg jarang n x rapat mcm dlu. Tpi alhamdulilah ble text ke apa, perasaan dia sama mcm the girls. It never get awkward. We still close mcm kt matrik dlu. Insyallah next time i balik muar, I make sure i jumpa dia. Wajib. N my ex roomate kt kmj dlu, Dila. Wlaupun blajar tmpt sama, tpi fak kte jauh n masa.. haish.. bdk engineer smue busy2 belaka. Ssh sih. But still kalo jumpa tu. Sehari x ckup tok borak. We need a least 2 hari lah. Baru khatam smue cte. Yg bestnya walupun kdg2 kteorng borak psl smue yg kte kenal n the other one xkenal, tpi kte bley pura2 mcm kte mmg kenal dia lh. No awkward at all. N kt ukm nie lak, i pling rapat ngan ooi. She's a chinese + siam tpi xske bdk cina. Lawak je. Kenal masa ada program kt kolej dlu and till now still rapat. Sama je mcm dila. Borak tu mmg rasa kene sleepover kt bilik dia. Apa yg kteorng borak? Entah. Mcm2 lah. Kalo taip kt sini. Ada yg jari bengkak nie kang. My classmate pun not bad. Since i got bpolar disease. I found my fellow friend yg ada penyakit sme. So yeah we like bipolar sister. Cme i xdelah cte apa2 sgt. Still baru lagi. Just the girls, amy, dila n ooi jelah i comfortable to talk2. Apatu bipolar? Tnye encik goggle ye syg2 sekalian.

N that just the girls.. Kalo boys lak.. i xrmai kwn laki. The only one i comfortable was only joe. And it was in past tense. *sigh. But i got a few lah kwn laki cme i xselalu borak or tell my probs or secret or blah blah blah. Mcm megat n azmil. Tpi nk nmpk rmai, i cmpurkn lh sekali qaedy and izz. I mean we used to rapat masa sklah dlu2 kecuali azmil lah sbb i kenal dia kt bangi nie ha.

So yeah, tu jelah. I kalo dh rasa selesa ngan sesorng tu. N the fact that i trust them. I become the talkactive person. Yep mulut nie mcm xreti nk tutup je. Mcm sekrng cme bezanya tangan i yg interpret apa yg otak i n mulut i nk smpaikan.

Bagi i bestfriend nie smue bkn those yg u kenal lama but the one yg ada masa kau ssh n senang, n then one where you can act like yourself, who accept you for who you are n the one you comfortable with. Kalo x selesa, mcm nak lah pulak borak ngan dorng laen kali. Yedak??

Same goes with lover. Kalo xde compromise. Xley gak. Bley je if dua2 ada difference tpi bley ngam lah. Dh kalo yg sorng ske motor besar tpi kau mmg xske motor besar. Xmasuk gak kn. Kalo dia ske baca novel melayu yg jiwang karat, tpi kau ske novel melayu yg indie nyer. Bley je kot masuk. Still ada topik nk borak kn. Kn? Or i salah? Tpi tu pandangan i je. Ikut masing2 nyer view lah.

Annoyed

Pernah x rasa ble kte nk text or call someone, kita rasa mcm kita nie annoyed orng, mcm ganggu dorng je? So at the end we just cancel everyword that scribble in our mind. Well, pasal scribble tu aku je kot yg buat. Heh.

I mean i love annoyed people. That was part of my charm i guess. But i only annoyed certain people. Those people who really dont care how annoyed i am or still love me to bits how pain-in-the-ass i was or yeah i love them and thats the way i showed the love. Like the girls, my parents, adik and those i pretty much comfortable with.

And i used to annoyed joe. A lot. But these past few.. i dont know.. months maybe. I didnt anymore. In fact i really do feel like i mcm ganggu dia and annoyed dia with my text and question or words. The reason of this kinda weird feeling was in fact came after how we both drifted apart and how he sudden-dissappeared. Everything was so different since that time yang dia menghilang n ignore aku. Terasa gila wei.

So it was kinda okay for me to feel this kind of feeling. After all, he did ignore me that other time. And how seem busy he is these past.. If he still care of me, he would say hello like he used to. Yeah, we've been there joe. The 'busy' excuses was kinda lame and so last year. Kau nie ckp mcm kte baru kenal semlm je doh.

And i know and ada tfikir, who care who text first. I really dont actually. Bcoz yeah we rarely text and i always the first asking how he doing. I dont really mind actually. But lately, i kinda feeling like, yeah, well, i annoyed him. So, i guess thats why i stop and slowly walk away. And aku takut kalo aku dh start text dia. Nnti hati aku wondering. Pastu rindu, pastu gedik nk text dia. Payah. Lagi melarat. Since sekrng hati nie pun mcm dh redha je. So better xyah gedik2 nk text dia. Unless dia text aku dlu lah. Tu laen kay.

And saying how much i miss him and all the conversation we had was kinda pointless bcoz really there's nothing i could do except moving on and accept for what it is and just hope for the best for both of us.

But i really though, miss him. And how we celebrate everytime JDT lose or win by giving pahala free to those yang kene kutuk. Lols. I think no one celebrate the way we did kn joe. We like so legend-wait for it-dairy. :D So epic.

So, after this if i say i miss him or whatever, dont ask me to text him and dont even question why i dont want to text him first. I had my reason and you just need to respect it.

Its funny how we used to talk almost everything, almost everyday. But now we cant barely say hello. How time pass by. How we change and go our own way. I guess what i miss the most of course the old you, the old us and the old me. 

I wish i could turn back the time. Tpi nk nyesal pun xguna. Mungkin nie dh takdir kte kan. Cuma perhentian.

Busy days

This week i membusy kn diri i. Since i maybe xbalik dh. Blik pun maybe lepas exam. Sbb this week i got dinner n family day. Then next week i dh start study week n i need to study. Hard. I need to kee up up my grade since i main2 last sem. This sem i nk buat yg tbaik. I xnk screw up mcm last sem. Hopefully everything went well. Insyallah.

And serious this week i rasa i slalu tdo lmbt. Like khamis aritu lyn mohabbatein. What? Cte tu best kay. Lagu dia pun best. Dont judge me.

Jumaat i kluar mkn n family i n with a cousin of mine. It was awkward yet fun. Awkward bkn ape. Cme kteorng xrapat sgt. It wasnt like me n along or angah. Kteorng sgt2 xrapat. I think masa i kecik pun i sgt jarang bcakap ngan dia. I maybe dlu rapat ngan adik dia. Sleepover rumah dorng bagai. But now, well, let say we grow up and fall apart. Smue busy ngan hal masing2 n sgt jarang jumpa. Kalo nk rapat blik pun, ssh. It takes time i think. A very long time. Tpi pape pun bestlh. Nk lak dia keje kt tgi. So he knew how to order n all that. It was fun. N lgi satu he was like love food. Kinda like igor. I rasa dia byk tau kedai2 mkn yg best2 kot. I ske dgr dia borak psl mkn ngan my mom. Coz i was like wow.. nie kalo nk try new places, ley ajak dia nie.. Mcm ble i dgr cte kwn i si ooi tu. She loves food tu. So it was fun. Really.

 

Sabtu seharian kluar. Lepak at my mom's office. Then gi amcorp mall sbb i nk abiskn voucer brim i tu. Nnti expired lah pulak. N beside buku dia murah2 n xmcm mph n popular yg mcm ada percentage bape buku n alat tulis kene beli. Bohoo! Bored! I rasa tenang shopping buku kt sini. Cme since i tinggal lgi rm50 so ssh sket nk buat pilihan sbb byk buku yg best2. Omaigod! Haha.. So last beli 3 buku je. 2 for me, satu for my mom. Yg pling best kt sini is dia nyer flea market. Ya Allah best gle kay. Brng2 dia sgt2 rare n vintage. Including the people. Very classic n old school. Pastu lepak kt kedai mamak bwah tu, ada uncle tu tgh karok. Lgu english lama2 lak tu. N sgt sedap. Sgt relax. N uncle tu sgt havoc. Haha.. Awesome. Oh pastu i dpt beli beg for my instax! Yay! Murah n ada color i nk. How could i resist. Aritu tgk kt jj mahal. Like hundred something i thing n xde color i nk. Yg nie dh lah murah. Rm50 je n ada color brown akan2 kulit gitu. Mlm i gi karok. Lepas gian akhirnya. Lama tu plan. Asyik postpone je. Now baru dpt. Alhamdulilah. Tpi serious 2 jam rasa xckup gak. Haha.. Xpe2. Next time. Insyallah.


Oh yeah ptutnya i jumpa angah this week. But i change my mind last minute. Lgipun i rasa dia pun xperlu nk relese tension bagai. They get back together kn. I on the other hand, desperately in need of a vacation to clear this head of mine. Em.. One day yg xtau ble i guess. Oh yeah pasl baju yg i nk mintak tlong angah kasi kt joe. That shirt i desperately in need it to be gone. Well, i rasa i xperlu get rid of it this quick in order to move on. I bley move on ble2 i nk. In fact the time just started. Tpi cme masa mommy request lgu letto pemintaan hati tulh buat i rasa mcm nk tumbuk tv tu je. Since angah memandai ckp yg mke lead singer letto tu mcm joe, i cant help but see joe in him. So stupid. But im good now. I really2 good.

 

Anyway, thats all..
Xoxo.

The Gigs

Finally i dpt gak attend gigs/concert. Alhamdulilah. Smue sbb kwn i, si sha tu ada extra tiket.. hehe.. i ape lgi.. kalo orng dh ajak kn... beside ada aizat kay.. i xde lh fanatik gle kt aizat but well, i minat gak kt dia. Lagu dia best2.. Seriously i mmg over excited gle lah semlm. Maklumlh 1st time. Its okay to be jakun okay. Haha.. Kesian sha melayan perangai i yg super excited nie..

Yelah, dri dlu kot i nk tgk. Start cte KAMI kot or start i minat lgu indie2 nie. Pernah gak request kt joe sruh bwak i. Tpi dia xkasi sbb dia kata gigs slalu abis kul 12 mlm so not good pompuan kluar malam2. I mcm.. ala, u adakn.. u jagalh i.. Hehe.. Then masa RTW few years back, masa still ngan ashraf, i nk gi kot.. Tpi mcm biasa xdpt. Abah xkasi. So last2 dduk depan stadium tu dgr dorng sound check kot. Yg i tau masa tu band skudap skudip tgh perform. Then masa kt muar, hot fm ada buat ape tah. Kosert gak tpi free. Kt tanjung. Masa tu along bawak kteorng tpi mlm tu sound check je. Esoknya baru real performance. Tiba esok ari, bonda lak xkasi. Dia kata xde sape nk tgkkn. Karang pape jdi ssh. Along ada kot. Dia pling tua. Dia ley jaga kteorng kn.. So last2 lepak kt sg mati je.. Sedey gle idup i.. Then masa zaman i minat kpop dlu. I n farah plan kot kalo cn blue dtg kl, ni gi tgk. Xkisah masa tu ada duit ke x. Nk tgk gak. But then cn blue dtg and kteorng xgi tgk pun. Haha.. Plan je lebih kot.. N now i dont think i ever want to watch it if dorng dtg lgi sbb i dh xminat dh kpop n cn blue nie. Sorry farah. Guess u have to ajak nadia.. hehe..

So u kene phm nape i overexcited gle kay.. And since these thing ada dlm bucket list i. So i guess now i can tick one off. Hehe..

Mmg best gle lah. Wlaupun kt dectar je dia bwat. But it did feel like a gig for me. Lgipun bdk2 kt situ smue mesti dh slalu gi. Sbb i nmpk dorng lompat2 mcm i tgk kt cte KAMI tu. It was a charity gigs and even i dpt tiket free. But yeah i sokong cancer awareness nie kay. Bcoz my mom have it and most of my relatives do. And who know.. i had that too.. Actually smue ada.. Smue ada cancer cell nie. Dia cme aktif n xaktif je. Pape pun better check cepat to prevent anything happen kan...

Anyway, have a great nite. I wish i could post some of the video tpi besar sgt. So here's some pf the picture.. hehe.. and sha.. thanks for bring me and lyn perangai i yg mcm bdk terlebih gula.. haha..

with sha and amira

with amir jahari

Fun and great people

Actually masa mula2 nk blik ukm blik, serious i xnk kot.. i was like screaming not.. serious... i even ckp kt my dad yg i nk balik umah.. maybe sbb mind set 16th kot and now it was only 11th. I balik nie pun sbb ada perkampungan or kata lain dia persediaan tok program pesta cahaya which be held 30th March. Note that everyone. Meh dtg rmai2 meriahkn program cheq nie nah.. Bkn kene kluaq duit pun.. but ada karnival so kalo ada pape nk beli, kene lah kot..

My roomate xdpt join i tonight sbb dia kata dia xsihat. Ye ke? Gua xcaya lah. So, i tinggal sorng2 kat bilik. Mmg dh biasa keno tinggal sorng2 tpi lah nie rmai lgi kot bdk2 lain xbalik. Depa blik 16 nnti. Yng aku nie npe ckp loghat nie lak. Tpengaruh ngan cik lang kah? But yeah, i survive tpi tdo xlena. Bkn sbb takut. Sbb nyamuk mai dtg sedut darah ceq. Darah manis lah kata kn.. Haha.. cewah.. and my senior, kak surya sgt baik ati sbb belanja i bihun goreng. so sweet of you...

Ari pertama best. Roomate i pun dh dtg pastu ada jiran bilik i pun dh mai. So i am not forever alone. Mula2 mmg xtau nk bwat ape sbb dh lari sgt dri plan. Mana xnya, rmai yg xdtg. Hampeh btul. Tpi pling best program arinie. Sbb kteorng ada main game sket. Ice breaking. Best sbb dpt kenal kwn2 yg lain. Dpt kenal ngan sorng bdk kelantan nie. Charming. Haha.. Pastu ada senior i, abg irham saja je. I tau lah selama nie i sonyap je.. i mmg mcm tu mula2. dh lama kenal, mulut nie dh mau tutup dh tau. so seriously dont judge a book by its cover kay. Bkn ke ada pepatah tu ckp, shy people are always the awesone one once you get to know them. Anyway, abg irham ckp baru tau nasuha nie kbh, selama nie xtau pun. Xpe, Gua dh biasa dh jdi invisible. Thats my specialty power. *sarcastic. Tpi to be honest lah kan, dri ari orientasi lgi actually i dh pndg2 si abg irham nie. Bkn ape. Kdg2 tu dia nmpk mcm ashraf cme ashraf rendah sket. Yg nie tinggi. Xde ape yg serupa pun. Cme ada lah sikit2.. maybe i rindu ashraf kot. maybe.. lpe nk bgitau, faris baru add i kt fb. Setelah dua bulan lah kot gua tanya, baru sekrng nk add wa.. Tpi xpe. dh add dh pun. Dh approve lgi tu. Then kteorng ada chat2 sket lah. Dia tnye pasal result nk kluar nnti and wish me gudluck blah3. But somehow cara dia ckp tu kn akan2 mcm joe.. and it took me to past again. and it hurts. tpi pastu i okay. i keep myself busy kan..

And malam pling best. Mmg lah ada meeting bagai for esok nyer plan. But after the meeting. It get super interesting. I kenal ngan sorng girl nie. Her name is Ooi. She was siamese and she in lawyer course. Mmg byk ckp. Tpi best sbb mcm2 bnde share. Nk lak dia jenis yg ske adventure. She love to learn new thing and have a new experience. So kalo nk tau tempat makan yg best2 and murah2, she's the man. Haha.. tpi bkn soal food je dia tau. Ada gak lain like books.. tpi dia ckp mmg kalo dlm seminggu tu ada 4 or 3 kali lah kluar gi midvalley or pavi or just hang out kt kdai mamak ngn kawan2 dia. Yelah bdk undang2 snang. ada kete since dorng nyer fac tu hah, nun jauh di hujung ukm. Serious. Sunyi je i tgk fak undang2 sbb hujung sgt. Tpi mmg best lah. Borak2 smbil makan. Baru nk makn dinner + supper nie. Rasa mcm lepak kt kdai mamak pun ada gak cme dduk bersila. Mana xnya, background muzik bising ngan mcm2 suara lunak. Pastu abg2 senior tu pasang projector, nk tgk movie. Kn kt kdai mamak slalu mcm tu. Ingt nk join tgk movie sekali tpi since lgi 3 kwn i nie roomate xde, dorng nk blik dlu, i follow jelah. Xpe. Esok ada rezeki, kte bwat lgi mcm nie. Ye dakk? Haha..

Ari kedua smue bngun lmbt sbb smue gi tgk movies semlm smpai orng yg patut ditugaskn beli makanan pun terbabas waktu breakfast. So dorng trus brunch je. Tpi i, ooi, mira, ain n aisyah order domino. Dh lapar sgt. Lgipun smelm ooi xabis2 ckp psl domino, so tekak n perut nie pun dh memanggil nk sumbat domino. Lgipun dorng nk beli lunch pun lmbt. Kt kul 1 baru nk gi. Kul bpe lak dpt mkn kn.. Kteorng dh abis lahap domino dah time tu. So lepas abis mkn, kul satu je kteorng chow balik bilik since xde pape lagi nk buat. Lgipun kteorng dh dtg awal. So now nk relax2 lh pulak wlaupun tdi pun keje bkn nyer byk sgt. Hehe..

Malam xde wat pape pun. Lepas buat perjumpaan. Smue dinner. I, ooi, mira, ain and aisyah mcm biasa lah lepak smbil mkn. Mcm2 borak lgi. Psl fak lah, food, lecturer and boys. Ooi ckp kt fak enginnering byk guys yg good looking. I cant deny that sbb rmai yg ckp mcm tu. N i met a few.. Mmg hot2 belaka. haha.. But as you know.. i like staring but no crush no startruck.. kt ukm nie entahlah.. i xjumpa type i lgi kot. What type? I mana ada type.. just.. mcm mai ckp, i nie jenis yg ske guy who charming. Dia xhot sgt. He just average. Which was true. I xtau ape yg buat i attract kt sesorng tu. It just spontaneously.. There something about them yg buat i tertarik gitu. Tpi entah lah.. I m weird and my mind work the other way around kan.. Haha.. Mlm nie tepat kul 12 tgh mlm, result kluar. Ya Allah, sumpah nervous kot.. But i pray the best. I dh buat yg terbaik dh kot. I cme hrp xde yg fail, xde yg kene repeat. Take a feep breath nasuha.. Insyallah everything will be better. If not pun, next sem try much harder, try much better kay.. Just hope xfail. Tu je harapan i yg terakhir.. huu..

Hri nie pling best. Bkn sbb dia last day. Kteorng xbwat pape pun. Today, kteorng just turun breakfast and lunch. Kul 3 ptutnya ada perjumpaan tpi tgk xde pape pun so kteorng tnya kak surya ada pape ke nk kene buat. Dia kata xde, kteorng pun mintak izin nk balik bilik lah. Tpi tetbe ain ckp nk beli barang. Mira pun ape lagi jom gi the mines. I pun bkn nyer nk balik umah mlm nie. Esok baru blik. So jom jelah. Ajak ooi and dia pun nk ikut. It was really last minute plan. But it succeed. So tunggu bas nadi putra and naik ktm ke serdang. Smpai the mines gi beli starbuck. Pastu baru shopping2 kt giant. Kteorng shopping mcm housemate je. Mmg best. Kalo ada orng tgk pun mesti dorng fkir dorng nie shopping untuk brng rumah kot, mesti dduk satu rumah nie.. But actually we just in the same kolej. But it was fun. Nk pulak it was v-day. So kteorng mcm just 4 single ladies have fun. Bkn nk kata smbut ke ape.. Xsmbut pun.. I lpe kot vday. I realize byk sgt roses. Luckily i hate roses. So guy take note. Haha.. ape yg i merapu nie..

I rasa mcm dh lama xrasa mcm nie. I mean of course the girls. Just those people yg gila2 and we can get along pretty well. Dgn coursemate i pun blum gi mcm nie lah. Maybe later kot. Insyallah. Dlu kt kmj, geng2 mj lah bak kata dorng.. It was really fun. I wish i could do it again. Someday. Will do. Insyallah. :)
xoxo..

You and result

We rarely text since i didnt have your number. We usually just talk bcoz we had the same class and you always drove me back to my college. We recently inbox each other in facebook. On our first time, u say something that remind me of joe. You say exactly like him. And now the second one, you said the things he used to say to me. Maybe bcoz of was the result coming out. So it was like the most decent common things people used to say. Or maybe i just didnt found someone say these kind a thing to me beside joe. You might say things he say. You might love to watch cartoon. Coz i remember when we went out the other day and there was Monster Inc played on the tv. You were like lost in your own world. You looks like a 3 year old kid who was mesmerized by that story. But somehow you were nothing like joe. And it was good. I mean who am i kidding, i want someone different. Well maybe.. Okay whatever.

Btw, result i xde lah memberansang sgt mcm sebelum2 nie.. Tpi since dia the first, dia same je level dgn result i masa mid kt matriks dlu.. But it was okay sbb xde yg fail and boleylah. But alhamdulilah. Alhamdulilah. It was something i know for awhile. Sbb i tnmpk nombor2 tu.. Funny, i buat solat istikharah psl bnde laen, bnde lain yg muncul. Tpi xpelah. Bnde dh jadi. Next sem buat lgi bgus. Insyallah. Xoxo..

Im heartless?

Mommy said im heartless. Like seriously im heartless? I am the most kinda hearted person when the time is right okay.

It all started bcoz my mom ask me about faris whom she call mr saga bcoz he drive saga. My mom ask lah yg test chinese aritu dia dtg ke. I ckp lah of course lah dia dtg. Test kot. Then i blurt out psl dia dduk dkat2 ngan i time exam tu. Blakang i je kot. Pastu dia adalah say sorry yg dia xdtg bape aritu sbb busy ngan assignment dia. I ckplah kt my mom yg i xtnye pun dia npe dia xdtg. And ble dia ckp mcm tu. I just ckp ok xpe.

And sbb tu je my mom ckp i heartless. How dare you?

I got heart okay. If not, i didnt fall in love or feel pity about animals and old people. Or crying when good character died in the movie.

Or maybe i am heartless. Maybe it has been a long time since im with someone. So i kinda lose all those happy-do-that-thing stuff while i was with someone. Ala, yg lovey-dovey things tu lah. I mean seriously when i thought about having a bf and everyday n everymoment texting, i was like, xbosan ke? ckp ape je? like seriously ada topik menarik ke? Funny coz i've been there long time ago. But now i lose all sense of it.

Maybe i need to find someone who can remind me what it feels like doing that 'stuff'. Maybe all those love story just not enough bcoz after all, life is not like the movies.

But sometime it was good u know to have a happy ending somewhere. Even if it just in our dream or in the movie or books or something. It was really good.


But i need reality check. seriously.

What is love?

Today my lecturer wanted us to tell things that we like or dislike or sacred or love or believe.

But then she started to ask us what is love. what do you understand about love. none of us answer coz no one no what really love is. So she explain that one wise man had said that love cant be define by words. Which is true. But for her, love is a feeling that u cant explain. Like when you love something or someone, u cant really understand why u love it or her or he. It just happen.

Or maybe just like Jess Day said, we didnt choose who we love. They choose you. Maybe.

It got to my thought. really. I dont know why i love whoever i love. I just know that they are important to me and i will do anything for them. That they are the sweetest people that i met and been there for me for better and worse. Like my family. I love them. They took care of me. They support me. They always be there whenever i was down. They never gave up on me. Or the girls. I love them too. They understand me. They accept my weirdness. They always back me up. And then, there was joe. The pentol joe. I dont know why i fall for you. And i dont know why everytime i want to gave up on you like right now, i always find a way not to. I really really really like you joe. Like so much. But im sacred. Im afraid that one day u left like the other day. Or worse u with someone else. You keep give me these riddle. These sign that i sometime couldnt explain. I am no mind-reader. I am no professor x. N even if i was, i wish i was magneto. Dont ask me why. But for now, i wont give on you. I would stay. And i really like hanging out with you. Thats what i know or feel right now.

Good time

So, remember faris? That senior classmate of mine? Yg slalu hntr i blik lepas abis class cina? Yeah.. we went out just now. Dia tnya i dah mkn ke blum. Mmg blum pun. Tpi i x expect lak dia nk ajak kluar mkn. Sbb before this pun dia pernah tnya tapi tnya jelah. So, this time around i pun x expect pape lah. But then dia ajak kluar. I was like.. seriously? But yeah, we went out. Mkn kt kedai ayam penyet je. But ayam penyet dia sedap. Lgi sedap drpd yg kt wangsa walk tu. Mula2 mcm xnk lah sbb i rasa ayam penyet tu xsesuai dgn tekak i. Tpi dh orng ajak xkn nk say no lak. Rezeki tu. Dont blow away ur chance nasuha. But this one was okay. Bukan sbb i kluar ngan dia everything was okay okay? The fact that tempat tu mmg okay okay.

Mcm2 gak lak borak. I got to know about his family, about his life, his background. Sharing2 cte hantu. It was great. And who would ever thought dia pun minat kartun. Jarang jumpa laki minat kartun. Even my bro n cousin pun kurang. So, it was nice to meet someone yg ada interest mcm kita and talkactive and good listener. It was good.

Dont get a wrong assumption. Xspecially u farah. haha.. we just friend. trust me on this one. i mean i got a little bit crush on him. No doubt. But a crush is a crush. For now, i am try my hardest to let go this feeling i had on joe.

Yeah, joe text i aritu. X, i text dia. Dia bls esok harinya. But it was nice to talk to him. No, it was good. It was better actually. Bcoz this time around he be himself. The old him. My pentol. Lama gaklah kitaorng borak. Dh lama xborak mcm tu. So somehow terubat sket lah rindu tu. Then ter deep sket conversation dia.. Haha.. i n joe kn. mana ley lari dripd soal itu.

Remember when i want someone to make me feel those butterfly in the tummy, and heart beat fast and cloud 9 thingy. I still feel those with joe. But i try my hardest not to. Bukan apa.. i takut.. i takut i berhrp sgt then things didnt happen like i hope so and i heart broken pastu bukak lagu patah seribu.. kn ssh. the thing about me is that i was so hard to fall in love with someone. But when i fall, i fall hard. Serious, i rasa lepas ashraf, joe lah orng yg i btul2 ske. It wasnt crush anymore. Yg laen tu just a crush je. I wish i didnt have emotion... haha... but that was impossible right? But serious.. what if..

Nah.. life without emotion xbest. mcm mana nk nanges tgk titanic lepas nie? or happy bila tgk a really good movie.. kn2?

I ada terpkir lah what if one day joe bgitau i dia met someone, yg dia going to get marry. I know i be heartbroken. But i be okay. I know i will.. It will be so bloody hard but i will make it through it somehow. I will. In Sya Allah. :))

Pretty dull

I got a pretty busy and a pretty dull week. I never thought that dull was pretty.. haha.. no just kidding. So, this week i got lots of assignments and mid term exam. Kalo nk ikut kn i didnt actually do my assignment nor did i study so much. I on9 je kot. And debate myself whether i should or should not text joe.

Everyday i keep on debate myself. Like go to hell that book. Stupid 60days. I can text anytime i want, whenever i want. You know what im gonna text him right now. Yeah but then i didnt. Somehow my subconscious will keep me busy by making me see all those tah pape video at utube. Or the fact that now im listening to radio more often, so when there are new songs, i was like i gotta download this song man. So, i didnt get a chance to text joe. And eventually i forgot. I know, right now i remember it. Coz if i didnt, i wont mention about joe. But right now, i just didnt feel like i want to text him.

Forgetting about joe was freaking hard right now coz im not busy like i use to. I mean i know i got lot of things to do but somehow i always had time to sit around and thought about joe. Xmcm dlu masa i busy ngan choir. Bila lah nk choir lagi. MMg i ada join club laen tapi mcm xaktif je.. so, this is me right now.

Btw, i bump into clone joe aritu. Surprisingly i didnt feel anything when i see him. I was just like eh clone joe lah. No more running or hugging him or wanted him to tell me he was joe. It so weird. But it is a good feeling. Maybe i did moving on. Just a lilttle bit. But its okay. Baby step.

Or maybe i found my healing guy. Nahh.. i xrasa dia healing guy i. i just adore him. Aritu balik dri kelas bi, i nk gi sembyg dlu lh sebelum gi lunch. i saw him tapi i buat2 xnmpk. tapi i nmpk dia nmpk i. hehe.. maybe dia nk tegur tapi tgk i nk gi surau so dia kata xpelah. or maybe i just perasan. x. nie bersangka baik. then i pkir karang lah i tegur dia. leps abis sembyg, i tgk dia dh pegi. and i was like mad at myself. i always like this when i like somehow. i bajet jual mahal. i pretend as if i try to deny it. this is not the first time. dlu ngan abg topup and ckgu muzik i. hmm.. now him. tapi xpe. past is past. gi mkn. nk gi cafe tu nmpk dia. mula2 i xperasan dia, bila dh abis daki tangga tu baru perasan. dia mmg tunggu i pndng dia. thats what i think lah. haha.. dia tegur tanya i dah mkn and am i alone. dia tgh mkn ngan kwn dia time tu. segan lah i. and beside my roomate tgh tunggu i tuu.. that will be mean. masa dia nk blah tu, dia tegur lgi..

I didnt feel those butterfly in the tummy or my heart race really fast or that i was in cloud 9. it was definitely a crush.  or maybe he just look really good looking that time. I never thought a police uniform will be that sexy. haha.. lol.

But if i was goona falling in love one day. I will make sure he will make me feel those evil butterfully in the tummy and that my heart beat quite fast like its gonna pop up soon and make me floating to cloud 9... :)

match maker

my mom is trying to be a match maker. she was trying to match me up with along's friend. omg! how do i knew it?

well, first. she told me that amsyah tu hensem gak. to be honest he was kinda good looking but not my type somehow. i dont know wny. maybe because i didnt see him clearly since im not wearing my glasses kot. then second, amsyah ada kasi kek cokelat after kluar ngan along. my mom selamba je ckp, nadira ske kek cokelat with that eyes and smile yg mcm ada muslihat tu. nmpk x permainan dia? i xmkn pun kek tu smpai sekrng. dont know why either. bukan jual mahal. i like cokelat tapi aritu i ada lah rasa sikit, cokelat dia pekat lah. i buang cokelat syrup dia lagi sedap. haha..

mommy nie dlu masa i ada bf, ye2 sruh i focus study dlu. nie i nk focus dlu, dia sibuk lak jadi match maker. haish.. confuse i. i know my cousins dh ada bf and gf. and im still single. dont know if it still available. haha.. anyway, mom, i will one day meet the one. he exist.he just got lost or distracted on the way to meet me. or maybe he's already here. and im the one getting lost and distracted? haha..

beside, im loving my single life now. it didnt messed lots of my brain and heart. eventhough i am a very messed up girl with over-thinking and thoughts. i can mingle with whoever i want. and i definitely not need to tell where i am doing and going. i mean, i xphm lah. i tgk cousin i smpai ada yg tipu sbb xbgitau mana dia gi. bagi i, wey, lantaklah aku nk gi mana. kau sapa? mak bapak aku pun chill je. kau nk mengelabah lebih apasal. then text ari2. xbosan ke? borak ape je? no offense. tapi bila aku pkir balik dlu2 masa ngan ashraf, aku pun turut rasa bosan gak kot. maybe thats why kitaorng break kot.. haha.. ahh.. forget it. ikut masing2 lah kan.. this is just part of perceptive je. 

Randomly

Im being silly today. I cant stop thinking about our conversation last night. I love those conversation. Its been awhile u know.. hmm.. and a surprise morning text this morning. How sweet.. I didnt expect i got it from you coz you are so not that that type of guy. But hey, we both being weird last night. You tetbe sruh i layan perangai u and i, i mmg layan je. And its funny how we didnt argue much like we use to. Last night, we sort off being so mature and i dont know. It was weird. But i admit i just cant stop smiling till now. How those smaller thing make me smile like crazy?! You did know how to make me happy and mad at the same time.

Hmm.. i know it wasnt the right now. and i know you know it too.. Somehow i will wait for that day coz i know what i feel all long, all this time..

See, im being silly lagi. dahlah.. kay bye.. :)

What a surprise.

So, suddenly this guy yg i pernah ada crush kat dia time2 nk spm tu just tegur i kat fb. What a surprise? I mean, yelah sape sangka, he still remember me. Haha..

Dulu, add dia kat fb pun sbb i crush kat dia and i tegur. Yep, i make the first move this time. Xpernah tegur kat sklh tapi kt fb i tegur dia. Xke pelik tu and im being obvious and i didnt care. Tapi nie out of blue dia tegur. I am honor. Felling tu dah lama ilang and like he say an old friend. Tu lagi bangga lah sbb mmg xpernah berckp pun. tegur kat fb je. so, when he call me an old friend, i smile. :)

Tu satu, then ashraf pun tetbe tegur i kat twitter. Saying dah lama xkacau i. Yeah, agaklah. I wish dia pape pun just like wish jelah. Dia balas and thats it. I xde nk tokok tambah lebih. Sometimes i do miss him tapi xpernah rasa nk tegur dia or text dia or anything. A strange feeling.

Life.. it so strange sometime. Anyway ive make mind already and i never been this sure. And i wont change it like i used to to it. I follow my heart and instinct this time. And i trust it. i trust it and i will go for it. So, wish me luck whatever it is.. :)

Whats wrong here?

I felt like i wanna post something random. I felt like i wanna pour everything i felt for the past few days in here. But somehow, no words fit what i truly feel right now. Huish.. why my heart beat faster than before? Why i felt like a butterfly inside my tummy? Whats wrong with me?

Balik matriks.. again..

Haish.. mcm xcaye je dah abis cuti.. hmm... so, basically xde lah buat ape2 sgt cuti4 hari nie..

Ari jumaat tu, balik muar dulu sbb my bonda kat sini kan but my ucu yg insist nak ambik.. so, lepas dia ambik, singgap jap kat murtabak spore dekat rumah joe tu. Sedap lah gak. Not bad.. Then, balik rumah bonda, melantak durian sambil tgk cite despicable me kat laptok ngan lil cousin. Yep, nk ikutkan i abiskan masa ngan tgk movie je. haha.. tgk istanbul aku dtg ngan uda, si tudung tweet ngan uda and adik, beastly ngan along and uda.. see, i watch a lot of movie there..

Ari sabtu, daddy and mommy pick me up. Singgah Big Bad Wolf bookfare dulu. Mmg awesome! Insyallah, next year, kalo kesempatan nk gi lagi. Insyallah. Then , makan tomyam and sotong goreng tepung yg i kempunan sgt tu. Alhamdulilah. dpt gak merasa.

Ahad xgi mana pun. I watch my rerun Jane by Design,. How I Met Your Mother S8 and New Girl. Pastu gi tgk The Hobbit kt WWM. Best gila! 2jam kat dlm cinema. Tu pun xabis lagi. Nnti smbung part 2. Cbe bygkan kalo smbung, ada gak 5jam dlm wayang. Basicly i watch it with my family cousins and nieces.  Tpi really enjoy it :)

 

with nieces

lupa, melantak pizza with mommy early that. just us girl since my dad and bro gi wedding.

Isnin, siapkan assigment. Finally, siap pun. Alhhamdulilah. Pastu makan kat kenny rogers and then balik. Watching rerun of The Wlaking Dead pastu keluar with nenek. Lama gila xjumpa nenek. Tgk shopaholic with mommy smabil dia inai kuku kita. Yeah, i fall for inai tapi kat kuku jelah. Tangan xmau. Packing things and tdo..

Today, meet up with my girls. Rindu gila kat dorng. Then, ais tweet mintak tolong ambik video about what and why we love about malaysia. Sumpah funny tapi bestlah. Ais, you have to do lots of editing sbb kitaorng byk merapu kat situ. lols. Wlaupun dpt jumpa kejap and dorng but its worth it sbb rindu kot ngan dorng. Now dpt catching up things. Haaa.. raya cina jumpa lagi ye honey2 ku sekalian.. :)

with the girls (nie b4 mai dtg)

Oh, lpe nak bgitau. b4 i met with my girls today. I go breakfast with my parents. But before that, kitaorng ada ambik gambr. well, actually i je, my dad yg snap the picture. u guys tau kan yg ada wall dkt depan burger bakar tu, yg dorng ske buat gravitti yg sgt oh-cantik-gila tu, yg dorng mmg wajib tukar like every moth kot, and ive been dying to take a picture of the wall, well, today i did. i took a picture with it. Nie smue gara2 ada gmbr creature yg wrna kuning tu dlm despicable me tu. and i mmg dah fall in love ngan that minions since i tgk video bananana tu.. aww... dorng comel sgt. nnti nk cari patung dia lak.. haha,, mcm2 ah i nie..

Eh2.. dah lama kat matriks.. dah msuk sem2 dah pun tpi xsempat nk tunjuk bilik kita.. hehe.... well, this is my room :)

biasa je but this is where i sleep and do homework

Girl Talk

I have an awesome and crazy conversation with my bestie, farah... from ovary to boys to old memory to other bestie to bestguyfriend.. Basically we had a lot of things to say smpai 1hour gak lah we talk and talk non stop. Xpenat pun. I guess imma a talkactive person yesterday. Hahaha.. Excited nak balik kot... lols.

I felt mostly comfortable talked with farah. Bukan apa. Maybe sbb we had some common in our story kot. Pasal first love, psl bestguyfriend.. Maybe lah... Hehe.. Jgn marah ye bestfriend yg laen.. :) You guys pun mainkn peranan yg penting dlm hidup i tau.. AND I MISS YOU GUYS LIKE CRAZY TAU! i wish we can hangout like we use to yg mmg xde limiting time and gossiping about lot of thing and giggle and took random picture. I miss it the most :(

But im glad we still together smpai sekrng. And insyallah this friendship grew until we old. Insyallah.. I cant picture my life without you guys. Seriously. Sbb kalo x, xkn lah i will never try find someone yg mcm korng. Contoh mcm amy. But amy, is not like i used to. I selesa hangout ngan u.. You cool and sweet. And i love keeping this friendship even nnti kita dah abis matriks. And kita akan teruskan lunch date every friday smpai abis matriks sbb lepas nie bila lgi kan nk jumpa.. So, we use the time while we still have :)

Farah & I

Amy & I

Oh btw, today i stalk that guy lama2.. i just nmpk dia pkai baju melayu cokelat. and supposely im gonna wear cokelat baju kurung also but since my classmate nk pkai baju koko, then nk buat mcm mne kan.. So, whatever.. hey, matching baju bukan masuk ada jodoh kan? if it meant to be, it will meant to be. So, wait, ape aku merepek nie.. okay, should stop..


last but not least, happy holiday and merry xmas xspecially i yg nk enjoy cuti 4hari nie... hehe..  :)

Absent-mindedly 3

Have you ever been in love at first sight? Have you ever thought about someone you like so much until it feel silly and you just wanna scream? Have you try find your way just to see his face? Have someone you like keep linger in your mind like a lot? Have you ever grin like an idiot coz something awesome happen? Well, i've been..

But this time it was rare....

I experience love at first sight a few times back then. But i never see my future with him just after i saw him. And it feel weird...

Am i in delusion or something? Am i too caught up with taylor swift's song? Am i being melodramatic here? Creat my version of Mine's music video? Am i lose my mind? Am i insane?
Trust me, i keep asking the same question to myself over and over again. But it still the fact that i see something. Yeah, talk about some superpower like Alice Cullen huh? Well, minus the i-drank-blood-thingy okay.. im just a normal teenage girl who still try to figure out things in her normal life. No superhero involve here. Nor supernatural.

I never see him in my entire life. I didnt even know we had the same lecture. But one day, his name has been called and he went in front. I saw him and i saw my future with him too. It just a flash but i dont know why i have that. I mean i saw lot of random guy and some i do find them charming but there were never a flash! This so weird. Maybe i am in delusion and insane all the same time. Oh no.. guess imma end up in tangjung rambutan after all..

But before that... i think i fall for him... no. Thats not the right word. Its too close to i love him. Okay, lets start again. I like him like really really really really like him. And i've been doing those little thing i did when i like someone. Yeah, you can call me a stalker. Oh my! Now im being a psychotic? Im in deep trouble. So, rehab it is then...

What am i bubbling about? Aiyoo.. Absent-mindedly lagi kan. :)

Silly Love Songs

Its funny how a simple love song can make me smile like i was in love with someone.. hmm.. well, to be honest, i didnt. But whenever i listen those kind of song, i smile. a lot. big grin actually. lols..

Before this, i'm really not into jiwang slow song. Why? It just not my thing and beside, i just having a bad break up. All i want to hear is just rock, rock and mean song. Yep, thats explain why. But now, i still not into jiwang song but a slow and easy-to-hear song is just my type. Like ours,stay stay stay,little things, the a team. I love those song coz it make me smile. and thought of someone. Who? my future kot. Haha..

Btw, alhamdulilah. Still sama kuliah ngan my crush. Since he the leader of his class, he usually go in front and i got to see him. And he having the same coco day with me. It was cool! But sadly, we not gonna combined class together. But sokay.. i still got lecture with him and a few class near him. So, it was great. My feeling towards him wasnt serious. It just a crush and it will remain that way. maybe. Anyway, like i say, i left only 6months in here. I might or might not got to see him after this. Kalo dpt, alhamdulilah. Mcm ada jodoh je nie. Haha.. But kalo xde, nah its okay.. really, i didnt mind. i guess my future still got a long way to go.

To be honest, sometime i feel quite jealous with my girls that already have someone but i quickly erased those feeling. Maybe mine came a bit late since he might lose in someplace and he still try to figure out the right path. Insyallah, he will come one day and when he come, i make sure i ready for every adventure between me and him gonna get through. Insyallah. I know Allah had a great plan for me somewhere in the future. :)