Acceptance

 I did not feel like I was moving on, not completely. There was a time when everything seems so hard and all I want to do was curl up on my bed, cry my heart out while listening to Taylor Swift. But there was a time when everything was okay and I started to see the 'reason' behind everything happen for a reason. 

Of course, it did not happen in one night. And it is not depending on how many years you were together. That was a myth. It happens slowly but surely. It is not easy. But you get through it somehow. 

I know I'm going to talk mostly about weddings here but that just because he pop out the question then maybe he got cold feet and run away, and ask me to forget all about it as if it was just a meaningless word. Yep, so casually cruel in the name of being honest.

I might move on but I never forget. This was one of the wounds that leave a deeper scar and they last they last.

On Angah's day, he said he will come. It was a day he could not miss as Angah was his friend too. Even though I did not put high hope, I still wish he will come. I wear my best outfit at that time. I was preparing myself to meet him. I kept texting him to update him. I'm searching for his familiar face. I texted and then I called. But everything was left unanswered. Even though I put my brave and happy face on, God knows I'm falling apart deep down inside. I never get even an apology or some petty excuses. I think that was the turning point. And that was the moment I knew.

On Nadh's day, I still hold on to his words. I still hope that everything will be fine again. I imagine this was could be us one day. It will be perfect and we look so happy. 

On Mai's day, I already let go of the idea of us but there was always this 'what if' lingering in my head. I still hope he changes his mind and that he would come back. He will say all the right things. He will be here... and I would've been so happy.

On Farah's day. Honestly, I did not feel anything. I no longer hope. I knew we never stood a chance and that we will never be meant to be together. And for the first time, I am fine with that. I started to see why it happen the way it happen. I started to accept, that everything happens for a reason. I can no longer picture us together again. That dream or imagine was just a pigment that was slowly fading away, blown by the wind. Yes, I do miss him, miss us, and that the flashback sometimes crept back. But it goes away as time goes by. And it didn't feel hurting like it was before. 

And I started to see changes in myself after I have redha with everything and accept for what it is. I no longer has to fake a smile or pretend that I was happy and that everything was fine. Now I could say I'm genuinely happy. Happy with my life, happy with the choice I made. I no longer force things and let everything run its course. If it is meant to be, it will be. I am starting to write again. Not a lot like before but one or two posts a month was enough. Getting my old self back was not easy, but I started to love every bit, piece of myself. I think for now that's what's matters.

Forgive yourself

 I believe that when you are on your own and you took some time to self-reflect, you realize that there a million stupid things you did and that oh-so-wrong decision. Seriously, what was I thinking? But then if you look back, it somehow makes you who you are today. This is when people say things happen for a reason even though you did not know what it was. But eventually, you do. 

Honestly, holding on to a one-sided relationship or friendship seems like an idiot move but that time you feel like this is that one person who understood me and then there are these memories that we had all this while. I can't just push aside and act as it did not exist. Cause it did. I hate when people said that every relationship or friendship has an expiry date cause I believe in forever and I am all for a long haul. But that's how life works and people are people, they are not bound to stay in one place. They grew apart and grew up. 

Letting go of a 15years of relationship was not easy but it was a thing that I know I had to do. I feel like I did not who I am anymore. I could feel little pieces of me being shredded and burn. The worst thing was that there is literally nothing I could do except stand and watch it burns. But after quite some time, you just grew tired with this shit and you start to look for a way out. You start to make a list of the staying and the leaving. And even though a part of you fighting to not let go but you did anyway. One day, when it decided, you just pack your things and leave a goodbye note. 

A few months was not easy, you start to battle with yourself again, that this was a wrong move at all. Who the fuck leaving more than a decade of relationship. Seriously! But you did. And slowly you start to pick some pace and move on. The 'he' just a figment of memory that exists at the back of your mind. Even though I like to go there sometimes just to reminisce but most of the time I was good. 

And it becomes even better when you start to forgive yourself. 

Forgive yourself for the wrong thing you did. Forgive yourself for that stupid decision you made. Forgive yourself for stay and holding on so long, thinking that someday he will change and realize. Forgive yourself for putting too much effort and hope into this sinking ship. Forgive yourself to look best on people even though they treat you like shit. Forgive yourself for leaving when it no longer serve you and make you happy. Forgive yourself for losing the best part of your old version. Forgive yourself for loving too deep and innocently. Forgive yourself for the wasted tears you shed in the middle of the night when the memories and flashback came creeping back. Forgive yourself for closing too many doors when you thought you had finally found the one.

But the most important thing, forgive yourself for not putting yourself first, not to love and cherish your own self as now you get a chance to do it. So cherish every bit of it. Life too short for this almost-uncertainty love. Open those door and your heart as great things awaits you in front. Good things take time, so trust His timing.

Welcome back dear self

 Haluuu...

It has been a very long time since I posted here and visiting this blog. I do though visit it sometimes when I just need a touch of memory and a glimpse of flashback. But it just too much that I no longer visit it and just leave it on the shelf.

I have quite a feeling that I would want to come back, to write again. I tried with diary, few times but the pages seem to get more and more that I stopped writing there and just kept my thoughts with me or at least wrote down some words on my phone or post them on Tumblr. But I do hope this time around I stay and never left even if the post was not many like it was too. 

Many good things happen these past few years. Not to mention the bad part also. But all I could sum was an enjoyable bittersweet ride and a lesson. But let's not get too deep on that. If everything was poured in here, there is no more specific post to write later on. We will get to it. Soon I hoped. 

But for now, welcome back my dear self!

25th

Alhamdulilah. Reaching my suku abad with gracefully and happily and positively. 

Not so much to hope or expect but i pray for more happiness and fun for many many years to come.  

It just 25 but still i still got lots in front of me. Many things to do, to fulfill, to reach and to experience. And i cant wait to be in those adventure.

Back then, i imagine myself settling down in this age. Meet a great guy who i want to spend my whole life with. Be a good wife and mother. It just not imagine. I was planning to settling down in this age. In fact when joe pop out the question, it did register my mind and i really thought this was it. This is what i have been waiting for. This is what im fulfilling and settling it.

But we only plan and Allah decide which the best path for us. And alhamdulilah. I thankful Him for this.

After awhile i realize that a dream is just a fantasy. It is free and it is lovely. I know for a fact i am not ready to settling down now. I know that i got a lot of things i want to cross off first. I know that i am nothing close to wife/mother material. And it is okay. Arya Stark just let down a man who he had crushed on because she want to see the world. She is spiritual and free. And somehow i was a little bit like her.

Maybe in 3 or 5 years i will meet a man and settling down. And maybe he was already here but like always timing is everything. But i hope for the best. I pray for the right path for me. Either path is fine for me.

But most of it is i thankful for granted for a better health, wealth and everything. Alhamdulilah. Alhamdulilah.

Ego for a reason

Everyone has their own ego that they try to hide or proud of it but mine... i just tried to control it so that it wont be more and neither would it be less.. 

I was never an ego person actually. Maybe i was but mine was not this strong. But lately i have been make it grow stronger. You see, for me ego is how i hide my true feeling. Whether it is hope or sad and it could be happy also. Ego was kinda like my shield, my superpower that i adore, that i rely on when things happen. But in here, in this post, i let my guard down, i lay my ego down, i let you see how vulnerable and bruise i was. 

Last Monday, i went to Muar with my mom. And mommy was like kept on asking about joe, was i told him i was here and do we wanna meet, and whatever. At first i was thinking not to because we know how it end up anyway. And i was right actually. I was so stupid for thinking that it might be different this time around. I did though text him saying i was there. I didnt asked if he wanted to meet, hoping that he's the one who would popped out the question instead me. He didnt even respond to any of my text. And honestly it kinda let me down a bit but i let my ego showed that i was fine with this. I lied to my mom that i didnt even text him at all but he did see my insta story but didnt even say anything at all which is true. 

And then yesterday i was chilling out with my mom. And she ask me about joe and i. And i told her the truth. That we were never declare anything, we didnt put a label on this relationship but we stick to be friends and go with the flow. I hated that actually. The 'go with the flow thing' even though i was the one who suggest it. Remind me to change it some where next year. Maybe to 'this ride has been nice but i dont see it go nowhere so here's to our goodbye'. There it goes, the ego again. 

Anyway, these talk, it make me realize that i shouldnt give a fuck about joe.. Honestly, all he ever did is disappoint me. I know he got some issue but i got mine also. Everybody has their own demon to fight with. And i am fucking tired. I wanna give up. I wanna give up with this stupid hope, this stupid fantasy and dream. Go to hell with all of this. I just wish he would also show some effort you know. There are million things he said that could make me murder him at that moment. But i didnt. Instead i forgive and forget. Because thats the thing we did to people we love right?? But everyone has a limit. And mine has reaching many many times but there also the catalyst to slow it down, to freeze it and to lower it. But really though, i should move on. 

I guess that is how the ego start to build up. Starting with cover up and to calm the heartache inside while the ego starting to grew. Each time it be hurt, ego was there to make it feel better. And i know for a fact that it has grew stronger and stronger because i could feel it slowly killing the hope and put the idea of nothing last forever, and at the end all you ever have is yourself. But love... love conquer all.. at the end love always win.. that is what that fairytales bullshit has been putting in our brain.. but the reality is, it just isnt.. this was not that prince and princess story.. this story does not have happy ending.. but maybe it did.. because she lost herself.. but once she let it go, she resurface and found herself... something like that phrase...

Oh well.. lets move on..

Alhamdulilah.. after some time battling with my own thoughts, i finally get myself out of these misery. I feel like for the first time in forever i feel free and happy and well nothing to think and worry about. Yelah, if you guys read post i before this kan boleh nampak actually how i try to fight this thought/demon. Kept telling myself that i can do it. Fake it until you make it they say. But you know deep down inside of you, you cant fake it and you grew tired of fake it and convincing yourself. I quite relieve that i finally let these thing go. Kinda grateful that things happen and i get myself a reason to walk away.

Bayangkanlah ye i feel as though i was jobless these past few month. My paycheck never arrive, same goes with my commission. I sent my resignation letter last Thursday on 21st. I passed it kat Tini, the HR yg handle i and interview i. Then i sent a short message to both my boss. Boss i dua orang ye and dorng a couple. I lambat sket pickup as i always assume they together but taknak lah fkir lebih2. But yeah, they together. Tapi tak kisah lah. Peduli apa aku. So i sent to my male boss ckp yg i after some thinking, i decide to part ways as i did receive another offer from other company. And i know that i can do this part time but i choose not too because i scared that i could not achieve the target. Then i say thank you for the opportunity and knowledge these past month. And i apologize for not being there long and sorry for the misunderstanding psl gaji tu. I ulang balik ye apa i ckp psl gaji n commission tu. And dia balas okay. OKAY JE??!! I taip punya panjang wlaupun takde lah sepanjang i msg joe aritu. And dia balas okay je. Come on. Joe was so much better tau. At least dia balas panjang gak walaupun kadang dia suka hntr sket so nmpk mcm short but it is not. Ughh..

Oh and my female boss, i just say thanks for the knowledge and sorry for not being there long and sorry for any wrong i doing. And i wishing the best. Ni lagi best. Tak balas langsung. Tetbe teringat lak how dia, nope, my male boss yg kinda pandang rendah kt i. Byk kali gak lah i mcm hurm.. what is his problem actually. Like masa i tnye psl bila boleh download apps tu, dia ckp yg lepas i dapat agent code i, i dh boleh lah download. But you should come see me bcoz i doubt you can do it. I mcm.. like seriously.. and i boleh buat ok cuma masa tu ada miscommunication skit psl username. Manalah i nak tau username kat apps and website lain. Satu kene capital, satu mcm biasa je. Lain kali mention lah. I boleh buat okay. Byk gak lah actually dia pandang rendah i. I tau lah i kadang mcm nmpk slow innocent baik je. But dont fool with my outside because i just show you what you need to see. After a while, maybe u can see how my behavior is. Totally opposite ye. Most people yg dh kenal i lama ke or selesa dgn i would see how different i was. Most of my classmate ukm i ingt i ni ayu beb. Last2 tgk setan jugak akhirnya. And tina always thought im the gentle and soft person. Turn out i could be harsh sarcastic savage person. Well, nice to meet you too. HAHAHA.. Come on lah, takkan i nk tunjuk the gem inside of me on our first meet?

But here is the best part. Dia terus remove i dari group ye. I mean i was thinking to remove myself the next day. But she did an honor by removing me. Oh well, thank you? i guess.. nevermind.. whatever.. I put it in the past.. Gotta shake it off right..

So, now.. i was waiting for my offer letter and insyallah will be starting my first day this Thursday, 28th. I hope everything went well and i stay much longer this time around. Amin amin..

2019: Healing year

After took some time off last year, it is time for me to get myself up again. So im deciding to start to write again. I find it as a therapy actually. Kinda like a diary but with people read it. It is not that private like a diary but sort of. I mean dah kalo kita tak byk followers or takde pun, sape je nak baca?? Daaa... But of course the private things i might kept it as a draft but so far there is none just yet. I plan nk start writing up again but using a book, a diary instead of posting it in the blog. But then i was like so freaking lazy and plus i want to be environment friendly. You know that one tree is being sacrifice for one page. Imagine if there were 100 pages for each of 100 books. The world will be freaking hot without the tree and then there was apocalypse. Lols. Just messing with you.

So whats up with me?

Well, 2018 was not really all that great year for me. I fall into a very darkest place in my life. Honestly, i lose myself. I dont even know who i am. Im not happy and i am not even that sad. I cant even remember the last time i had a good honest laugh and i cant even remember the last time i had a genuine smile. I can think of all the happy moments but it just feel blurry and i am pretty sure that girl was not me. I dont know what i wanna do with my life. I dont even know what the purpose of living. Well, i know. It just that i am freaking tired to even think about it. I penat. Penat sangat with everything. All i could feel is that i want to crawl back to my bed and just stared the ceilling. Really though. When do life gets this hard?

I ingt lagi masa tu i dah nak habis belajar dah and my mom ask me to apply job kat LinkedIn and Jobstreet and sent email to some of her colleague. Tapi korng faham tak bila kita tak rasa nk buat bende tu. So i procrastinate but i think i end up doing kot. Then i dapat kerje ngan AIA early April last year. Alhamdulilah. I mean i was depressed but i just go with the interview. Not really put high hopes or anything. But alhamdulilah dapat. So i try to think positive and hope for the best. Kerje baru hidup baru. But naaa.. dh kalo down tu mmg down pun. It just that im good in faking my face. My team mates is nice and lovely. I actually have fun with them and I even loved them to bits. I mean come on lah kalo tak takkan lah i attend wedding kawan i tu siap jadi bridesmaid lagi tau and then keluar gi memana je. Karok, wayang, makan, you named it girl. I did enjoy my days with them and everything. But any good things, it need to come to an end. And beside i am not happy there anymore. I stay working there is because of tina and erma and my teammate. Kalo ikut kan hati i dah nk chow lama dh. I dh start gi interview, job hunting while i didnt do anything. But no such luck. The job that i want doesnt want me. And the job that i kinda dont want, want me. But i refuse to take it because of the job and the salary. So i kinda dh niat. And at the end i got job offer which i take it. It wasnt my choice/dream job, but the salary is ok. And since i dah niat, i take it. So yeah im officially no longer with AIA. And honestly, i feel lot and lot happier. I did you know.

But of course i miss being travel and being around with my teammates. With the job i had before, i got to travel to Penang mostly and Johor with my teammates. So, kerje plus jalan jalan. Nak lak tu boleh claim everything. Sape je taknak wei. Peluang jangan dilepaskan. The new job i had will make me lose that travel thing. Because mostly i will be around kl or selangor and be in office 9 to 5 like normal people. Lols. I hope for the best though. But then if it doesnt suited me, i can always walk away and find a better job. Hahaha.. So yeah, that is basically whats going on with my life for the past last year. I know, i left out about joe. Well, things did not turn okay between me and him. He distance himself and i could feel like he regretting of the married question he asked me before. And i lose all my strength to fight back, to save the relationship/friendship. I fall hard and like i say before, i am tired. I do my best before. I fight till the end. I hold on to whatever i can reach. But it all falls apart anyway. I cant do this alone. I cant steering this ship all by myself. I need him. I need joe by my side to hold it together. But he left. And i am done chasing him. But we both still talk. I guess we both stick around for the sake of this friendship. Ok, enough. I think that is all.

For 2019, i wanna make a change. I wanna start fresh like new year, new me. Cliche but true. I want to heal.

You know how i never believe in setting any goals or resolution for a year because i know for the fact that i wont accomplish it? But this year, i want to make goals/resolution. And i will try my very best to achieve all of it. Insyallah. I nk tampal siap2 kt almari i so that bila i bukak almari i, i nampak bnde alah tu. So part of it is 1) finish read at least 5books this year 2) be more healthier and fit 3) go travel at least one place 4) control my spending and save at least rm500 every month

As part of healing... I really dont want to fall in that deep dark hole anymore. I dont want to get through the things i felt throughout 2018. I dont want to swallow those pills anymore hoping that i didnt wake up tomorrow. So for a better mental health this 2019. I welcome my depression but with also helping myself. I let myself crawl to bed and feeling helpless. But i also will make myself feel better next day after recharging or whatever. I wanna be better and happier. I am healing inside and out.

And i also think it is time for me to move on and growth. All these time i let myself attach to joe. He was my rock. But im a kite. I soar up above the sky. Im gonna let loose, let myself be free and explore the world. I love joe and i always will do. But i think it is time for me to let him go and go on with my life. Let the time decide. Let everything go with the flow. I believe if it meant to be, it will be. Jodoh takkan ke mana. Kalo i dgn joe betul dijodohkan bersama, i percaya Allah akan temukan kiteorng balik. Sbb bagi i kalo kita takde jodoh, mcm mne i paksa pun, it wont work.. So buat apa nk penat kan diri kan? Just let it be. If it meant to be, it will be. I hold on to that words.
 

I appreciate to those who stay in my life and also for a lesson left by those who leave. I wish nothing but the best to those who i cut ties to and who also cut ties with me, those who i pretend did not see in real life, and didnt like any single post in the social media, the one i unfriend or unapproved in any of my social platform. To those who stay... whether we know each other quite sometime or just known each other and we get along super fine, thank you for accepting who i really am. I hope our friendship carry on and survive this 2019. I pray you all the best in achieving your goal this year and may Allah ease everything you do.

I do not know what to expect this year. But i hope the best. I hope there is a rainbow waiting for me at the end and sunshine that light my day everyday. I pray Allah ease me in things i do, the job i choose to. I pray i will be lot happier and smile and laugh this year. I am loving the new me. I accept everything i am. I am a warrior, a survivor and i dont give a fuck of things people say. I love me and i know who i am.  I am ready. So bring it on 2019.

I am done

I ingat lah kan lepas along nyer wedding, no one would ever bring that question ever again. But i was wrong obviously. Memamg tak lah kan dorng nk stop tanya bnde alah tu. It will never stop and will follow me for the rest of my life... or maybe sampai.. i dont know.. i kahwin??

Hahahahaha... i kahwin? Well, maybe dulu i boleh imagine that thing. Masa i dengan ashraf a few years back. Or masa i like so deeply enchanted with joe a few years back. But now, right now. I dont think so. I dont imagine that anymore walaupun ye i ada lah bayang or berangan or talk about it especially masa joe bring that up. But i dont know. He doesnt seem that serious and i see zero effort from him so far. So it was easy to say that i crush that dream so that it wont break me if somehow it didnt came true somewhere in the future. Beside people like me are destined to be alone and do not have an happy ending.

And it is okay. I sedar diri. So instead of probably put myself out there and searching for love or guy. And instead of waiting for joe to come to his sense and come around. I decide that i was better off alone and happily enjoy myself. I decide that instead of focusing on people and things, i should focus on me, i should have love me. I tau ia nampak mcm pathetic gilerr. But no worries. It is ok. This is the life that i choose and i just need to bear for it. 

Once upon a time, i admit that i believe in love and have faith that there will be someone for me someday. But after been broken for quite a few times, i stop believe it and somehow i admit i lose faith. The thought of having someone just a delusion that we put in our minds because we are so into the 'they lived happily ever after' phrase. And somehow i am just so freaking tired of loving more, caring more and trying more. With joe, that is what i have been doing for the past few years. It was so exhausting. I never put too much effort in keeping a relationship this long. Then, when it ends, it took me a very long time to rebuild myself and to move on and be happy again.

And for that, i am done. Thats all i could said. 

For that questions, it is irritating for sure but then i have to just fake a smile and acted as if it was nothing. After all it just a question je kan. Takkan i nk tanya dorng bila dorng nk meninggal pulak kan? Ajal and pertemuan kan semua di tangan Allah. And i leave soal jodoh ni semua pada Dia. Kalo ada, adalah. Kalo takde, i gi travel around the world kumpul memory and experience. Lols.

Past and future

Its the end of the year. Again. Its weird how fast everything goes and now we came to the end and near to the beginning of the year. Again. Lols. Like any other year, i mesti ada bwat like farewell-kinda-post so same goes to this one.

I tak sure i reach the goal i made for 2016 because i didnt really have one. I made it along the year and cancel it if it doesnt feel right. So sebab tu i kinda lupa goal apa i bwat. Hahaha.. Or maybe i eat or drink yg ada byk semut. Hmm.. maybe.. So as you know, i dh graduate. Alhamdulilah. And alhamdulilah i didnt gave up and i tried my hardest to finish my studies. And insyallah kalo ada rezeki i akan smbung master next year in tak tau lah bidang mana sebab i apply marine science in ukm and business admin in uitm. So kita lihat lah rezeki i ni jatuh kt mana. And ingt tak post i about being happy, losing myself, finding myself blah blah blah... Ingt takkk??? Well, i rasa dh nk akhir akhir tahun ni baru i rasa like i really really be happy instead of faking it like most of the time. About old me.. nahh.. she's gone... and there is nothing i could do.. but im happy with myself and embrace it somehow. Im just happy.. Hahahaha.. Even tgh typing  for this post ni pun i rasa mcm nk keep on tulis perkataan happy tu je.. maybe sebab lagu chainsmoker ni kot... Lols... Beside lagu yg happy kn like boost our mood kan kan kan???...

And since it is the last of the year, i decided to clear something that makes me unhappy or whatsoever.. First on the list is facebook. Gosh, i hate facebook. I really really hate it. Like i think since last year i rasa nk delete je account i tu tpi since my classmates semua keep on posting past year paper and it was easy to communicate with any group assignment, so i think takpelah stay dlu. Selesai everything baru delete. And now it really is the time. I pun bukan on selalu pun. Like bile orng sruh on baru i on or kalo tak pun sebulan sekali kot. Lols. I tau facebook ni lah kita nk connecting with people and tau hal semasa blah blah blah shit... Please lah... I boleh tau dri twitter gak ok and much faster. And about people. Well, mostly kwn yg i kenal ada insta and twitter. I think i can catch up with them through these two. Beside i rasa mcm tak selamat dgn facebook mungkin sbb i rasa terlalu 'open', terlalu public and terlalu byk sgt related. Kang i tulis something kang ada yg terasa lah apa lah. Pastu tak like ke apa ke nk sentap lah apalah. I bosan ok. I takde masa nk layan perangai sorng2 mcm ni. Kalo i nk unfriend or tak approve friend request kang ada yg buat muka lak. Ughh.. Strees tau. So better i delete. At least semua orng equal di layan nyerr... Ye dakkk???

Secondly, to be really honest with you guys.. i kinda glad that i remove some people in my life. Ok takde lah remove sgt. More to i avoid jumpa dgn dorng kalo boleh. Kalo terjumpa, i just fake face jelah. Tapi kan lately tak ley sgt nk fake face. Ia tak menjadi. Sekrng ni mulut i akan terlepas je cakap things yg involve sarcastic to people yg i dislike. I tau it is a very bad habit. But it is a habit and i cant help it. And also, maybe since i built my wall so high, i rasa sgt ssh nk trust people. Like really really susah. I didnt trust people easily. Even those yg dlu i percaya pun sbb dh tak bape rapat, i terus hilang kepercayaan sikit. Oppssyy.. Dont get me wrong, maybe if you give me time, maybe just maybe, the trust can be built? Maybe... Tapi jgn lah marah. Im like totally a different person now. So please excuse me.

Lastly, i nk clear you guys psl joe and i. As you know last year i confess feeling i kt joe and it was not sebab tak tahan ke apa tpi mcm mungkin jugak kot. Hahaha... Main reason dia is i just nk dia tau je, i just nk luahkan so that i takkan regret sbb at least i dh luahkan. Dia suka or tak suka i tu belakang kira. I was on the edge to move on. I dh ckp clearly and firm dia tak perlu balas tpi dia gedik nk gak balas. And sbb i dh set mind dia akan ignore i or dia anggap i kwn blah blah blah, so bila dia ckp dia pun ske i, i numb. I tak tau nk rasa apa, n beri reaksi apa. FYI, kteorng tak relay. He is not my boyfriend and i wasnt his. But we were good. Tpi lepas lelama i realize we were different people now and we want different things. Wlau mcm mne i nak save friendship kteorng i just tak boleh. Some things cant be fixed. I lose myself in the process of chasing him. And i keep destroying myself by giving him chances and whatsoever. He was long gone and i just force something that really wasnt meant to be. I mean, i patut lepaskn je dia dlu. I patut biarkan je dia pergi masa dia menghilang dulu. Bodoh betul i ni. I terlalu sayangkn friendship kteorng and sbb tu i hold on, But whatever. I rasa kalo i boleh putarkn masa, i akan buat bnde yg sama gak. Sbb bnde yg sama tulah menjadikan i yg ini. Mungkin i lembap nk perasan all these red flags but i finally did. And those day i thought i never get through, i got over him.

Ok dah dah.. ni mcm sesi heart-to-heart pulak. Anyway, 2016 has been bittersweet memories but somehow close to my heart. Its the year di mana i rasa almost nk give up, takut tak siap tesis, tak graduate. But then i did. I jumpa lots of people this year thanks for my internship. And spending time with my close friendship. Gi stadium larkin tgk jdt lawan, usha2 azrif. Hahaha.. Thanks for my parents yg merealisasikan my bucket list. Cewah. Lari ke penang nk tenang kn fikiran kononnya but at the same time spent time and bwat sesi heart-to-heart ngan fiqah. But the truth is, home is where the heart is. Sbb mcm i dgn fiqah agree, dudk rumah ni kita munasabah diri and thats what i did. This 2016 also was the year i realize i deserve better and amazing thanks to this person who someone change my perspective view. And before this joe help i move on from ashraf and eventhough this particular person siap offer nk pick up the pieces (cewah!), i just need to move on by my own.

I sayang friendship i dgn joe but at the same time, i want to be happy and this friendship doesnt make me happy anymore. This is like one side friendship cause he never care, he never there. And i slowly learn to walk away from things that make me unhappy.

 So for 2017... tak mengharapkan pape sbb harapan tu mengecewakan. Hahahaha... Just that semoga Allah permudahkan segala urusan dan semoga i lebih mendekatkan diri dgn Allah. Semoga i dpt smbung master or dpt keje yg lumayan. Hahaha.. Insyallah. Semoga segalanya baik baik sahaja. And that i really really be happy and just enjoy this life to the fullest. Beside nothing last forever. :)

So, farewell 2016 and hello 2017. May this 2017 bring us happiness and good things along the year. Insyallah.

2015

Goal for 2015? Nope i dont have any. Aku rasa mcm ble aku tetap kn sesuatu tu mostly dia xjadi pun mcm mana aku harap and last2 aku xdpt pun capai. Ye dgr mcm orng yg putus harapan. Tpi x sebenarnya. Sbb kdg2 kte xtau apa yg ada di masa hadapan tok kte. Apa yg Allah dh set from the top tok kte. Entah kte ada kt muka bumi nie lagi atau dh pergi menghadap pencipta. Kita xtahu. Sbb tu aku xnk plan pape this year. Aku nk everything go with the flow. No planning and no whatsoever. Cme harapan aku thun 2015 nie segalanya baik2, everything goes well. And i stay the same tpi mungkin ke arah lebih  baik. Insyallah. Meaning no cursing word no. No middle finger wlaupun xtnjuk kt jari. Cme sebut je. And be my own self. There's are nothing i want to change about me. I kinda like this version of me. I want to live my life to the fullest and enjoy every little things. Then, i want to move forward, move on and let go. Aku nk memulakan kehidupan baru. This new year is the beginning/starting of something new, something amazing. Kira mcm starting everything all over again. Thats's a point of new year kn? Aku nk letak semua perkara yg lepas di belakang dan fokus untuk masa hadapan, masa akan datang. Aku nk beri peluang untuk perkara baru dan orng2 yg baru aku jumpa. Aku xnk lgi hidup dlm masa lampau mcm tahun2 yg sudah. Berpegang pada bnde yg xpasti, berharap pada bnde yg tidak ada. Untuk tahun baru nie, aku masih lagi orng yg sama, mungkin pendirian aku dah berubah. Dan mungkin aku menjadi sorng insan yg lebih tabah, cekal after all those heartbreak and crying. Tpi aku masih lagi si gadis pelik yg xske fikir remeh temeh tpi otaknya berserabut dngn pelbagai kata2. Ayat aku nie dh serupa puitis mcm kt blog bebelah hati aku. Stop2. Nie blog laen yg syg. Jgn terbawa2. Haha.

But most of it all, i want to be the happiest and most adventurous version of myself possible for this 2015. Insyallah.

P.S. : Maaf entry sket tok tahun baru nie. Nk final beb. Semlm dh settle satu paper. Now 6 paper to go. Wish me luck. Insyallah next time, ada masa, n free, aku update panjang jela smpai nk tmuntah korng baca. Hehe.. Xdelah. Aku xdelah kejam sgt. Lols. 

Happy new year guys btw :) semoga thun baru ni kita jadi insan yg lebih baik drpd sebelumnya. insyallah. dan semoga segala goal yg korng tetapkan tok thun 2015 nie tercapai. Aku nie je asyik forward2 smpai last2 dh mlas, So go with the flow je. Lgipun amazing things happen unexpectedly. Sape tah ckp. Aku copy n paste ayat dia je. Hehe... :D

New sem, new begining

I dont know why but i feel nervous for this new sem. Maybe bcoz i screw up on my last sem. Or maybe things just get worse on this new one. Or maybe mood cuti xabis lgi. Ahh.. byk sgt maybe. I really looking forward for this. I mean i rindu jumpa classmate2 i smue. But i dont know why.. it just felt uneasy. Mcm something its not right. I am silly didnt i? Hmm..

But whatever it is. I wanna change. I xnk main2 lgi. Last minute study, watching movies. Lots of it. I dont want to be lazy anymore. I really screw up u know. And i wanna make it right this time. I wanna work so hard. I felt like i let everybody down including myself. Its time for some changes you know. Im 20 but i act like i was 18. Its time i grew up and act like my own age. I mean it was okay to have some fun and have a little bit of party. But i really wanna score for this new sem. And i hope everything went well. Insyallah. This time i really need some timetable. New sem, new begining. Well, wish me luck for this new sem. Xoxo.

A New Journey

As u guys know, i just started as a university student starting last sunday. Seriously, masa otw nk ke ukm tu, mcm2 perasaan ada. Excited, nervouse, hyper, worried, sad. Haish.. and im so worry yg i xdpt ngam kt situlah. xsehaluan ngan roomate lah. i got lots of things in  mind. yep, overthingking hurts. haha.. but i was totally wrong. roomate i best walaupun dia belum lagi gila2 and talkactive mcm i. n dia sama course and fakulti ngan i. gila awesome dowh. mmg lepas nie mana2 pegi berkepit jelah. haha..

Waktu orientasi pun okay. But it was harder than kt matriks dlu. wlaupun tdo xdelah lmbt sgt tapi still. mmg pack kot ngan activity smpai xde masa nk jenguk2 fon tu. adalah gak dlm 2/3 hari xspoke ngan parents. nmpk x ke busy an itu.. tapi best lah. abg2 n kakak2 fasi pun mmg awesome and funny. wlaupun ada moment kene marah, kene tengking2. but its true like they say. a bad memory always being remember. and once we remember it, we do smile. i mean yelah ble fkir balik mcm lawak pun ada. pape pun it was all a nice experience.

Fakulti okay. Everything okay. Ingt kali nie ceq nk lebih aktif sket lah. Xmau dah jdi katak dibawah tempurung. And bcoz of that determination, i gi letak nama i dlm 3 sukan, swimming,bola baling and futsal. gila seh.. haha.. then i letak nama i under program ict and lakonan. mmg semangat gila. n insyallah nnti nk masuk kelab tekad:teater bukan sekadar lakonan. ye;ah wlaupun xreti berlakn, but i could do a person behind the curtain. byk mainkn perangai jugak tau. lgipun masa kt matriks dlu kn dh pernah masuk drama n lakonan. why not right?

And caya tak.. i do sing.. haha.. xdelah. masa tu ada group performance. so smue group diwajibkn masuk. n my group dpt lagu u raise me up and alhamdulilah dpt 2nd plce.

Its not so bad i think. or yet. haha.. but i cant wait to facing 3 years in here. hopefully everything went well. insyallah. i hope i can making lots of new friends and maybe finding my new guy friend sbb i dah lost the other one. xmau cite. i ready to move forward and left the past behind. and i am ready to be fearless and facing any kind obstacle in the future. insyallah. amin.

my comfy bed

my almari and study place

aisyah, my new roomate

my group20, b4 performance

menang 2nd place tu.. haha.. with kak atikah, our fasi

2013 :)

Happy new year guys! Alhamdulilah, masih bernafas tok menyambut tahun 2013. Semoga tahun 2013 lebih baik drpd 2012. Insyallah..

So, this new year eve and this new year, i smbut alone in kmj in my room. But surprisely, dpt gak tgk firework wlaupun xlah sehebat mana but bleylah. I enjoy watching the firework wlaupun kejap. But rasa kosong sketlah sbb slalu smbut ngan family tgk firework and pastu gi mkn2. But nie lepas tgk fireworks trus tdo sbb ada kelas esoknya. Great! Johor xambik cuti lak tahun baru. Got to get use of it somehow.

So, 2012 leave me a bittersweet journey which some i forgot. Haha.. But i think i enjoy it. But.. still hoping for better in 2013. My goal for this year?

Well, im gonna enjoy every moment of it. I want to fill it with happiness, joyful, fun and unforgettable memory. I want to live my life to the fullest. Semoha perjalanan di tahun 2013 nie diberkati Allah SWT. Insyallah.

Pejam celik pejam celik rupanya dah nk abis matriks dah. Tinggal 4bulan je but less than that if xcampur cuti smue. Im gonna miss it. Haha.. Pelik kan dulu benci lah, nak cepat abis lah.. bila fkir balik, acually it wasnt that bad. I got to meet new people and create a new memory with them. Tu yg best.

And the girls.. the girls are so sweet. i hope our friendship last till we get older. Alhamdulilah, wlaupun berjauhan. Yelah, sorng belajar kat  palam, sorng belajr kat melawati, sorng belajar kat gombak, dua orng kat tangkak. Jauh kay.. Tpi alhamdulilah lah, tali persahabatan tu xputus. It still strong and we got to meet each other time cuti, catching up what had been lefts. Lepas nie nak degree dah. Hrp dpt tempat sama,. Kalo xdpt sama pun, jgn lah jauh sgt. Nie pun dah rindu tau..

And tahun nie gak, i think im gonna leaves the past in the past and just dont look back. Things happen kan. And i do regret tapi nk buat mcm nie. It was irreversible. So, i took it as a lesson in my life. So, tahun nie, i want to ignore all the unimportant things, all the unnecessary matter and all those annoying people. Annoying biasa2 bley lagi tapi annoying thap nk balik seliper tu, ha, yg tu bahaya sket. Haha.. 

About the bf thingy. I know i ada ckp ngan farah yg after 18 im gonna look for bf. But im turning 19 this year. So much with the talking huh? Tapi xpe. I decide xnk ada bf lagi for now. I want to focus on my study first, berbakti pada parents dlu. Tpi hrp2 by 23 dah ada lah.. Haha.. Insyallah. Amin.. But for now, yg peting sekali, i want to enjoy my single life and ready to mingle. Lols. :D

Last but not least, i hope to be a better person this year and enjoy this ride called life. Insyallah :)

Happy 2012 :)

Assalamualaikum readers. Hehe.. Happy 2012.. Alhamdulilah, i still breathing and i am in good condition. For this 2012, i know that of course people set goal and i wish you guys achieve it. Insyallah. So, my goal for this year was to be a better person. Insyallah. I didnt mean like last year i was evil. Just not good enough je lah.. And this year, insyallah nak cari my Mr. Right terus lah. Eventhought i know i probably will found a few guy on the way to find my prince charming. Tapi xkisahlah. I know i found him when i started to feel something. Maybe i did found him already. Eh, entahlah. But i really wish i will meet him in the future. Hoping he will study at the same place as i was. Sape sape??? Adelah... hehe.. Tapi pelik lah. i just met him like a few minutes and now i've been thinking about him almost a month?? Gila! hehe...


Bulan 3 nnti insyallah result SPM keluar. Memang nervous. Hanya Allah je tahu. But somehow i am not hoping too much. Of course lah i want to get straight A's but i am pround whatever i got coz i try my best remember. But still kalo bley i want to get a better resutl so that my parents will proud of my achievement. Insyallah. I will try to make myself a dentist like they want to. Insyallah. And most of all, i will try to be a good daughter to them. My bff (farah,nad,mai,nadia,amalina n aisyah) we still together and i hope the bonding still strong till dah tua kot. haha.. insyallah..


My friendship with ashraf was good. Alhamdulilah coz i finally move on. For sure. After 3yeras of loving him. 3years? Gila! But i admit i still love him but not like i use to before. I did text Joe kot. Wishing happy new year like i did. Selalunya die akan reply walaupun lambat. But its been 2nd of Jan. Ok, i try to think positive. Maybe kredit die abis ke or maybe die off fon (walaupun aku xdpt mesej dri maxis yg show die off fon -.-). Tapi bila dh smpai lah nie xblas2, something is wrong. Totally wrong. Xpelah. Kalo orng dh xsudi nak kwn ngan kita bwatpe kte dok tunggu lagu tu je kn. Lebih baik kte move on. Nilah dduk kt langkawi 2minggu, bahase pun dah ikut lagu sana dah. hehe.. So, i wish nothing but the best for you joe. And as far as i want to say dont forget me. I know you already did forget me. So, sekian. :)

Hello 2011..

Hello 2011 and gudbye to you 2010..

Ok2.. Aku nk mle kn a very fresh start this 2011. (seriously! ok!).. Maklumlh, thun nie kn aku akn berperang.. Huh? Berperang? Jgn slh faham.. Berperang dgn dugaan tv dan keseronokan melepak.. tu je. Yelh, thun nie aku SPM kot.. Huishh! Tulis ayat tu je dh rse lemah semangat dh. Ya Allah, mampu ke aku menhadapinya dengan baik?? Huhu.. Insyallah..a AKU PASTI BLEY! Everygreen, kte mesti yakin n postif! Yep!

Anyway, since ni dah msuk 2011, ade byk perubahan aku nk lakukan pada tahun nie.. Maksud aku goal yg nk aku achieve tok thun nie lh.. Antaranya ialah........

1) Study hard. Study smart. 9A'S dlm tngan tok SPM!
2) Solat 5waktu cukup, bykkan doa, bykkan nace Al-Quran.
3) Kurangkan bergossip and merapu and buat jahat (insaflh wahai evergreen.. hehe..)
4) Be more mature and confident and positive.
5) Berpegang pada 'PERATURAN 18' iaitu single 'till 18, double after 18..
6) Ingt nk simpan rmbut pnjang tok thun nie. Malkumlh slalunya ble pnjang je mesti nk potong. So, thun nie kte biarkn die pnjang tpi xmcm Cik Rapunzal lh ye..
7) Ambik diet yg btul, seimbangkn BMI n exercise once a week! (mesti!)
8) Pling penting, LOVE URSELF!!! ;))


Ha, buat masa nie tu sajalh matlamat aku tok thun nie. Harap2 terlaksanalh smuenya ya. Jgn jadi mcm thun lepas. Rasa2nya mcm xde yg t'capai je thun lpas. *aduh! sedih sungguh!


Oklh, gtg now. Dh ngatok thap cipan dan nie. Hehe.. Btw, tdi tgk fireworks kt I-City was super awesome! The best thing i've seen so far lpas beberape thun usha firework kt KLCC je. Sememangnya laen dri yg.. laen.. So, hrp2 2012 nti, I-City bwat yg lbih gempak lgi ye n aku hrp2 dpt kesempatan tok melihatnya lgi ye.. Insyaalah.. Segalanya mungkin...

Change...

Aku dah bwt keputusan. Aku nk berubah. Berubah dari segalanya. Aku nk jdi diri yang baru. Yang xkn cepat putus asa, yg strong, yang berani to say no. Aku dh penat nanges brp bulan yang lalu. Terutama lpas Ashraf tingalkn aku. Aku xprnh nanges seteruk mcm nie utk seorng lelaki. Ble pikir blik, agak sengal lh coz nanges psl lelaki. Tpi nk bwat mcm mne, aku sgt syg kt die tpi mungkin dh xde jodoh nk bwat mcm mne kn?? Tpi aku ttp berharap smpai lh aku xprnh perasan yg selama nie die cume gne kn aku je. Lpas kteorng break thun lpas, aku dh xcontact die lgi. Skit sgt ati ble dpt tau yg die couple ngan pompuan laen lpas bape ari kteorng break. Em, xtau lh kalo mase die dgn aku, die dh pn curang.. Enthlh. Lpas bape bulan, aku cbe msg die. Aku ingt die xkn lyn tpi die makin lyn lak. Aku pn lyn jelh. Yelh, mne tau ade 2nd chance kot.. Tpi xprnh ade pn sebrnrnya. Nmpk je mcm ade psl die kata die rindu aku, ajak aku date, pnggil aku syg. Tpi sebrnrnya xpn. Setiap kali die ckp bnde 2, aku slalu pikir psl pluang. Dan setiap kali die ckp mcm 2, die pegi tnggalkn aku untuk bape minggu or bulan or ari. Pas2 dtg blik. Rpe2nya die tinggalkn aku ble die ade awek bru, dn dtg blik pda aku ble awek die dh blah. Aku rase aku lh makluk pling sengal + naif psl buta dgn bnde 2. Sebab 2 arinie aku dh bwat keputusan nk brubah. Ashraf pn dh tinggalkan aku lgi sekali psl reason yg sme. Dan die mmg dh lpe kn aku smpai ari yg ptut kte kluar 2 pn, die ley lpe. Aku benci gle orng mcm 2 n xsangka slah satu dri orng 2 adalah die..

Dhlh.. aku nk brubah! Sbb 2 aku bwat blog bru. Blog lme biar jelh jdi memory yg akan ku ingt ble aku ready. Sekrng nie all i need to think is now n the future...

Change :

1) Never stand up for cheater and a friend who never care about us

2) Aku nk tumpu pada plajaran je dan matlamat dlm idup

3) Aku xnk nanges lgi coz nnti jdi orng yg lemah

4) Aku cme perlukn kluarga dn kwn2 je dlm idup aku. Xperlu orng ketiga

5) Aku nk kunci ati aku nie smpai umur aku 18 thun

6) Live a life like a rockstar!

7) Aku nk senyum dan gembira supaya xde sape tau ape yg ati aku sebrnrnya rase

8) Aku nk lpekn Ash dan mle kn idup baru tnpa die

9) Aku nk bwat family n kwn2 aku gembira wlaupn aku sedih

10) Aku akan cbe capai matlamat aku....

So, mle arini, segalanya akn berubah...

This is real this is me...

Ceh, mcm lgu Demi Lavato lak..

hehe...

I'm on may to change today..
And tomorrow i will never be the same like
yesterday..
Future.... haha.. i still can't figure it out somehow...
Mayle later.. soon...