Acceptance

 I did not feel like I was moving on, not completely. There was a time when everything seems so hard and all I want to do was curl up on my bed, cry my heart out while listening to Taylor Swift. But there was a time when everything was okay and I started to see the 'reason' behind everything happen for a reason. 

Of course, it did not happen in one night. And it is not depending on how many years you were together. That was a myth. It happens slowly but surely. It is not easy. But you get through it somehow. 

I know I'm going to talk mostly about weddings here but that just because he pop out the question then maybe he got cold feet and run away, and ask me to forget all about it as if it was just a meaningless word. Yep, so casually cruel in the name of being honest.

I might move on but I never forget. This was one of the wounds that leave a deeper scar and they last they last.

On Angah's day, he said he will come. It was a day he could not miss as Angah was his friend too. Even though I did not put high hope, I still wish he will come. I wear my best outfit at that time. I was preparing myself to meet him. I kept texting him to update him. I'm searching for his familiar face. I texted and then I called. But everything was left unanswered. Even though I put my brave and happy face on, God knows I'm falling apart deep down inside. I never get even an apology or some petty excuses. I think that was the turning point. And that was the moment I knew.

On Nadh's day, I still hold on to his words. I still hope that everything will be fine again. I imagine this was could be us one day. It will be perfect and we look so happy. 

On Mai's day, I already let go of the idea of us but there was always this 'what if' lingering in my head. I still hope he changes his mind and that he would come back. He will say all the right things. He will be here... and I would've been so happy.

On Farah's day. Honestly, I did not feel anything. I no longer hope. I knew we never stood a chance and that we will never be meant to be together. And for the first time, I am fine with that. I started to see why it happen the way it happen. I started to accept, that everything happens for a reason. I can no longer picture us together again. That dream or imagine was just a pigment that was slowly fading away, blown by the wind. Yes, I do miss him, miss us, and that the flashback sometimes crept back. But it goes away as time goes by. And it didn't feel hurting like it was before. 

And I started to see changes in myself after I have redha with everything and accept for what it is. I no longer has to fake a smile or pretend that I was happy and that everything was fine. Now I could say I'm genuinely happy. Happy with my life, happy with the choice I made. I no longer force things and let everything run its course. If it is meant to be, it will be. I am starting to write again. Not a lot like before but one or two posts a month was enough. Getting my old self back was not easy, but I started to love every bit, piece of myself. I think for now that's what's matters.

To be married or living a happy single life, that's the question.

I believe everyone has a dream of how their wedding goes, what kind of dress that they will be wearing, what are the theme, where this wedding will be. And if you have a significant other, you will imagine him/her beside you and how will it be. I bet you will be set on what age will you get married.

The dream is a dream and the plan is a plan. Sometimes it did not go the way we hoped for. But sometimes it did. 

I always imagine I will get married when my age turns 25. Or the very least, 26 or 27. But guess what, I'm way past 25 and 26. It does not seem it will happen at 27. So I could say I can kiss that dream goodbye and never think about it. 

When he popped out the question and even though I never said yes. But we did talk about it, dream about it, and plan about it. For the first time in my life, I really thought that I did finally found the one and that I am going to spend my entire life with this person. It feel surreal and I was ready to give my all. But then, we were done and it is over. It recks me like the titanic ready to sink. I feel numb like I was in a cold sea, waiting to die like Jack Dawson. It was a really cold, painful, heartbreaking, and sad journey. Something that I hope I will never ever face again. Honestly.

It did turn me into a bit cold person but never was heartless. I believe that everyone is destined to be with someone. And maybe just maybe I will find the one that I have been looking for. The one who did not easily change his mind, the one who did not leave me thinking I did something wrong, the one who did not walk away when things get hard, complicated, and real, the one who walk the talk.

But then even if he never comes around. I think I will be okay if I'll end up alone. I mean a significant other doesn't change my value or define my life. If I'm not with someone doesn't mean that I'm not happy. I have these close friends, my lovely family, and a career that I enjoy. It is more than okay.

I had this 'coffee talk' with my mom. And for the first time, I say it out loud, I never know if I want to get married. I mean I could find someone on Tinder, I could boldly talk to Ashraf on this crazy scheme but then, the question is, was I ready or want to get married in the first place?

It was not that I still did not move on or recover from the last heartbreak. I mean I think I was still in the process. But then that was a petty excuse when the reality is that I do not know if I ever want to get married. 

Please don't feel sorry or pity for me. Just be happy for me. Not all the same. Some really want to get married. but did not find anyone yet. So they create this tinder account or sell themselves on social media just to get attention to those who are looking for someone as well. If it works for you, that's good. I won't judge anyone for their choice but I shouldn't have participated in things that are culturally expected for my generation. This isn't just a fit for my style.

I'm starting to readjust my thinking about relationships and what makes a happy life. I am focusing on myself to really evaluate what makes me happy in life. I want to be a better person. I want to focus on growing, traveling, soaking up all the wonderful life events without worrying about finding Mr. Right.

Maybe one day in the future I'll meet someone, they'll spark something in my soul. Maybe that fairy tale is out there for me. I'm not saying that I'm completely put high hopes on it. If it happens then I will be able to go into it with a clear head. I will have learned how to love myself know what I want and need in life. If it doesn't come I also won't be devastated. Perhaps it just isn't in my cards. I may end up with a few cats but it doesn't make me a crazy lonely cat lady. In the end, I will have lived a fulfilled life with no regrets. 

Hey, I don't know, maybe I end up alone but you know what, maybe that's okay. Just pray nice things for me, and just be happy for me for whichever choice that I choose.

Forgive yourself

 I believe that when you are on your own and you took some time to self-reflect, you realize that there a million stupid things you did and that oh-so-wrong decision. Seriously, what was I thinking? But then if you look back, it somehow makes you who you are today. This is when people say things happen for a reason even though you did not know what it was. But eventually, you do. 

Honestly, holding on to a one-sided relationship or friendship seems like an idiot move but that time you feel like this is that one person who understood me and then there are these memories that we had all this while. I can't just push aside and act as it did not exist. Cause it did. I hate when people said that every relationship or friendship has an expiry date cause I believe in forever and I am all for a long haul. But that's how life works and people are people, they are not bound to stay in one place. They grew apart and grew up. 

Letting go of a 15years of relationship was not easy but it was a thing that I know I had to do. I feel like I did not who I am anymore. I could feel little pieces of me being shredded and burn. The worst thing was that there is literally nothing I could do except stand and watch it burns. But after quite some time, you just grew tired with this shit and you start to look for a way out. You start to make a list of the staying and the leaving. And even though a part of you fighting to not let go but you did anyway. One day, when it decided, you just pack your things and leave a goodbye note. 

A few months was not easy, you start to battle with yourself again, that this was a wrong move at all. Who the fuck leaving more than a decade of relationship. Seriously! But you did. And slowly you start to pick some pace and move on. The 'he' just a figment of memory that exists at the back of your mind. Even though I like to go there sometimes just to reminisce but most of the time I was good. 

And it becomes even better when you start to forgive yourself. 

Forgive yourself for the wrong thing you did. Forgive yourself for that stupid decision you made. Forgive yourself for stay and holding on so long, thinking that someday he will change and realize. Forgive yourself for putting too much effort and hope into this sinking ship. Forgive yourself to look best on people even though they treat you like shit. Forgive yourself for leaving when it no longer serve you and make you happy. Forgive yourself for losing the best part of your old version. Forgive yourself for loving too deep and innocently. Forgive yourself for the wasted tears you shed in the middle of the night when the memories and flashback came creeping back. Forgive yourself for closing too many doors when you thought you had finally found the one.

But the most important thing, forgive yourself for not putting yourself first, not to love and cherish your own self as now you get a chance to do it. So cherish every bit of it. Life too short for this almost-uncertainty love. Open those door and your heart as great things awaits you in front. Good things take time, so trust His timing.

Everything happen for a reason

After quite some time feeling depressed and useless and a few post of regrets and negativity, the sun is finally shine again and new beginning awake. Hope is all in us. But in this one, it is in me? Hahaha..

Alhamdulilah, finally i settle with a job that well, not perfect but it was enough for now. I had the desk that i always wanted and a fix hour that i always wished. Alhamdulilah, after a few bump roads, i finally settle for an almost perfect position as claim officer. Yeah, sis tak lari dari insurance industry but this is way better since i tak perlu lagi nk hadap sales. Kene fkir mana nk korek sales. Now, i just process the claim, siapkan kerje i and tak perlu fkir apa dah. Balik just chill je. Alhamdulilah for this kind of opportunity. Im like so thankful that i feel like i wanna fill in this post with my gratitude to Allah. Alhamdulilah alhamdulilah alhamdulilah.

After a month and get my first paycheck after so long, i decided to post it. I mean i dont wanna jinx it like i used to before this. Yelah dlu lepas AIA and start with Allianz and then almost with Teledirect but now Henner is part of home. I hope everything goes well and paling kurang pun setahun lah i kat sana but still hope for much longer years. Dia nyer benefit was so much better. With a good medical benefit and increment on salary after a year. Salary okay, lebih sket dari AIA and at least they are firmed with the salary wlaupun tak betul waktu dia masuk kn duit sbb ikut France kan. But okay lah dri Allianz. Tanya nk salary bape tapi end of month habuk je dapat. Pastu bagi alasan kata nk kene setelkn training dlu. Stupid. Give me false hope. Well, i hope you get what you deserve at the end. I wish nothing not even the best. 

But then i believe things happen for a reason. If these thing tak jadi, i wont know that these kind of people exist in this world. I learn a thing or two through this experience. I should have asked more. I should be cautious. And most importantly i should have follow my heart. Sebab actually dari awal lagi i ada bad feeling. Kalo tak takkan lah i still searching for a new job before i even start the job. Go for interview and searching and applying some more. Then on my very first day i start my job pun i dah start cari kerje lain. Not to mention i waste quite a few hours waiting for my boss. I basically tak buat pape pun on my first week. Takyah ckp lah apa i rasa seterusnya. It was a very very bad feeling. I tak pernah rasa benci kat orng mcm ni tau. Slalu tahap tak suka je. And i never felt this broke. 

Then, with teledirect, i took it because i need the money. Walaupun ye i boleh je pinjam kat parents i dlu but u paham tak on your age and you still borrowing from your parents. I feel so ashamed with my own self. And i guess that is when this depress and useless and overthinking feeling came. I was in a dark place for quite sometime but alhamdulilah im better now. I was fine and im finally allow myself feel happy. I make myself busy with work so i wont think about joe so often. I redha with everything even though there were time when he visited in my dream or a glimpse of his reflection appear in my mind when i on train and this butterfly feeling, it always there and always will i guess, for now. 

I believe that things happen for a reason. And i believe it occur in the first place to teach us a lesson or two. Even though sometime it take time to realize the reason of it happen is for what. But somehow soon or later, you would see it and trust it make sense in the end. Like if i tak join Allianz, i wont get myself an ipad walaupun ada kemungkinan i memang akan beli nnti in the future but now i got sooner. Hihihi.. and of course jumpa this kind of people and be in this kind of situation. Everything happen for a reason. It always does. It just take some time for us to realize the good side of it. 

Btw, selamat berpuasa semua :)

2019: Healing year

After took some time off last year, it is time for me to get myself up again. So im deciding to start to write again. I find it as a therapy actually. Kinda like a diary but with people read it. It is not that private like a diary but sort of. I mean dah kalo kita tak byk followers or takde pun, sape je nak baca?? Daaa... But of course the private things i might kept it as a draft but so far there is none just yet. I plan nk start writing up again but using a book, a diary instead of posting it in the blog. But then i was like so freaking lazy and plus i want to be environment friendly. You know that one tree is being sacrifice for one page. Imagine if there were 100 pages for each of 100 books. The world will be freaking hot without the tree and then there was apocalypse. Lols. Just messing with you.

So whats up with me?

Well, 2018 was not really all that great year for me. I fall into a very darkest place in my life. Honestly, i lose myself. I dont even know who i am. Im not happy and i am not even that sad. I cant even remember the last time i had a good honest laugh and i cant even remember the last time i had a genuine smile. I can think of all the happy moments but it just feel blurry and i am pretty sure that girl was not me. I dont know what i wanna do with my life. I dont even know what the purpose of living. Well, i know. It just that i am freaking tired to even think about it. I penat. Penat sangat with everything. All i could feel is that i want to crawl back to my bed and just stared the ceilling. Really though. When do life gets this hard?

I ingt lagi masa tu i dah nak habis belajar dah and my mom ask me to apply job kat LinkedIn and Jobstreet and sent email to some of her colleague. Tapi korng faham tak bila kita tak rasa nk buat bende tu. So i procrastinate but i think i end up doing kot. Then i dapat kerje ngan AIA early April last year. Alhamdulilah. I mean i was depressed but i just go with the interview. Not really put high hopes or anything. But alhamdulilah dapat. So i try to think positive and hope for the best. Kerje baru hidup baru. But naaa.. dh kalo down tu mmg down pun. It just that im good in faking my face. My team mates is nice and lovely. I actually have fun with them and I even loved them to bits. I mean come on lah kalo tak takkan lah i attend wedding kawan i tu siap jadi bridesmaid lagi tau and then keluar gi memana je. Karok, wayang, makan, you named it girl. I did enjoy my days with them and everything. But any good things, it need to come to an end. And beside i am not happy there anymore. I stay working there is because of tina and erma and my teammate. Kalo ikut kan hati i dah nk chow lama dh. I dh start gi interview, job hunting while i didnt do anything. But no such luck. The job that i want doesnt want me. And the job that i kinda dont want, want me. But i refuse to take it because of the job and the salary. So i kinda dh niat. And at the end i got job offer which i take it. It wasnt my choice/dream job, but the salary is ok. And since i dah niat, i take it. So yeah im officially no longer with AIA. And honestly, i feel lot and lot happier. I did you know.

But of course i miss being travel and being around with my teammates. With the job i had before, i got to travel to Penang mostly and Johor with my teammates. So, kerje plus jalan jalan. Nak lak tu boleh claim everything. Sape je taknak wei. Peluang jangan dilepaskan. The new job i had will make me lose that travel thing. Because mostly i will be around kl or selangor and be in office 9 to 5 like normal people. Lols. I hope for the best though. But then if it doesnt suited me, i can always walk away and find a better job. Hahaha.. So yeah, that is basically whats going on with my life for the past last year. I know, i left out about joe. Well, things did not turn okay between me and him. He distance himself and i could feel like he regretting of the married question he asked me before. And i lose all my strength to fight back, to save the relationship/friendship. I fall hard and like i say before, i am tired. I do my best before. I fight till the end. I hold on to whatever i can reach. But it all falls apart anyway. I cant do this alone. I cant steering this ship all by myself. I need him. I need joe by my side to hold it together. But he left. And i am done chasing him. But we both still talk. I guess we both stick around for the sake of this friendship. Ok, enough. I think that is all.

For 2019, i wanna make a change. I wanna start fresh like new year, new me. Cliche but true. I want to heal.

You know how i never believe in setting any goals or resolution for a year because i know for the fact that i wont accomplish it? But this year, i want to make goals/resolution. And i will try my very best to achieve all of it. Insyallah. I nk tampal siap2 kt almari i so that bila i bukak almari i, i nampak bnde alah tu. So part of it is 1) finish read at least 5books this year 2) be more healthier and fit 3) go travel at least one place 4) control my spending and save at least rm500 every month

As part of healing... I really dont want to fall in that deep dark hole anymore. I dont want to get through the things i felt throughout 2018. I dont want to swallow those pills anymore hoping that i didnt wake up tomorrow. So for a better mental health this 2019. I welcome my depression but with also helping myself. I let myself crawl to bed and feeling helpless. But i also will make myself feel better next day after recharging or whatever. I wanna be better and happier. I am healing inside and out.

And i also think it is time for me to move on and growth. All these time i let myself attach to joe. He was my rock. But im a kite. I soar up above the sky. Im gonna let loose, let myself be free and explore the world. I love joe and i always will do. But i think it is time for me to let him go and go on with my life. Let the time decide. Let everything go with the flow. I believe if it meant to be, it will be. Jodoh takkan ke mana. Kalo i dgn joe betul dijodohkan bersama, i percaya Allah akan temukan kiteorng balik. Sbb bagi i kalo kita takde jodoh, mcm mne i paksa pun, it wont work.. So buat apa nk penat kan diri kan? Just let it be. If it meant to be, it will be. I hold on to that words.
 

I appreciate to those who stay in my life and also for a lesson left by those who leave. I wish nothing but the best to those who i cut ties to and who also cut ties with me, those who i pretend did not see in real life, and didnt like any single post in the social media, the one i unfriend or unapproved in any of my social platform. To those who stay... whether we know each other quite sometime or just known each other and we get along super fine, thank you for accepting who i really am. I hope our friendship carry on and survive this 2019. I pray you all the best in achieving your goal this year and may Allah ease everything you do.

I do not know what to expect this year. But i hope the best. I hope there is a rainbow waiting for me at the end and sunshine that light my day everyday. I pray Allah ease me in things i do, the job i choose to. I pray i will be lot happier and smile and laugh this year. I am loving the new me. I accept everything i am. I am a warrior, a survivor and i dont give a fuck of things people say. I love me and i know who i am.  I am ready. So bring it on 2019.

I am not weak

I keep on changing my mind. I could go from i stay here forever waiting for you to i deserve better baby im fabulous so goodbye. This has go on forever and ever. Depends on his action actually. Sebab aritu i whatsapp dia tak balas tapi whatsapp story ley lak upload. Seriously what the fuck man? Then i text him jokingly and he replied wlaupun tak borak lama tapi janji ayat dia buat i tersenyum sorng. So you guys could guess that i have change my mind again. Sadly true.

So i rasa rather nk planning and hoping. I should just let it flow and see where it goes. If it meant to be, it will be so i should just let it be.

I am not weak. I know i deserve better somewhere deep inside of me. But sometime we just took whatever love we thought was meant for us. Maybe joe is my second prize just like i was to his. Maybe we both are second prizer. And yeah i admit, i malas nak cari. I believe that if it meant to be, we find our way somehow. So who knows tetbe kan i jumpa jodoh i through grab or just one of the co worker. Bcoz honestly we do not know how our lives turn out to be in the future. Love might come in our lives in unexpected way, surprising us in some way. 

But believe me when i said this, after i reach my 30s, all of these will be just some idea i made when i was in my 20s. Bcoz after 30s i am done about marriage and love. Ye maybe tetbe jodoh mula hadir dan ketuk pintu hati i. But that was some kind of story. But really bila i reach 30s, i dah tak nak dah cari ke usaha ke cuba ke. No, i am so done. Like ada, adalah. If takde takpe. Bcoz when we, us women reach our 30s, we are somehow independent on our own, probably own a house and a car, spending money to our mom and dad, a stable job and a happy content life. I know once in awhile kita akan rasa lonely. Takpe beb, go and adopt kids or cats. And since i tak suka budak so cats will be my only solution. But i be fine on my own. travel and make memories.

That was just another dream after the 30s.

And for the 20s.

Well, i still am stand here, waiting for joe or someone who can fulfill my hopes and dreams. I go with the flow and see where this will go. Is it gonna be forever or is it gonna down in flames. But honestly, these day i took really slow and took my time, i realize that maybe hati i memang dah tawar skit lah dengan perangai joe ni. And somehow i was hoping and pray that it wont work out at the end, that he did something so terrible that im gonna shut him off for good this time and forever i hope. 

I am done

I ingat lah kan lepas along nyer wedding, no one would ever bring that question ever again. But i was wrong obviously. Memamg tak lah kan dorng nk stop tanya bnde alah tu. It will never stop and will follow me for the rest of my life... or maybe sampai.. i dont know.. i kahwin??

Hahahahaha... i kahwin? Well, maybe dulu i boleh imagine that thing. Masa i dengan ashraf a few years back. Or masa i like so deeply enchanted with joe a few years back. But now, right now. I dont think so. I dont imagine that anymore walaupun ye i ada lah bayang or berangan or talk about it especially masa joe bring that up. But i dont know. He doesnt seem that serious and i see zero effort from him so far. So it was easy to say that i crush that dream so that it wont break me if somehow it didnt came true somewhere in the future. Beside people like me are destined to be alone and do not have an happy ending.

And it is okay. I sedar diri. So instead of probably put myself out there and searching for love or guy. And instead of waiting for joe to come to his sense and come around. I decide that i was better off alone and happily enjoy myself. I decide that instead of focusing on people and things, i should focus on me, i should have love me. I tau ia nampak mcm pathetic gilerr. But no worries. It is ok. This is the life that i choose and i just need to bear for it. 

Once upon a time, i admit that i believe in love and have faith that there will be someone for me someday. But after been broken for quite a few times, i stop believe it and somehow i admit i lose faith. The thought of having someone just a delusion that we put in our minds because we are so into the 'they lived happily ever after' phrase. And somehow i am just so freaking tired of loving more, caring more and trying more. With joe, that is what i have been doing for the past few years. It was so exhausting. I never put too much effort in keeping a relationship this long. Then, when it ends, it took me a very long time to rebuild myself and to move on and be happy again.

And for that, i am done. Thats all i could said. 

For that questions, it is irritating for sure but then i have to just fake a smile and acted as if it was nothing. After all it just a question je kan. Takkan i nk tanya dorng bila dorng nk meninggal pulak kan? Ajal and pertemuan kan semua di tangan Allah. And i leave soal jodoh ni semua pada Dia. Kalo ada, adalah. Kalo takde, i gi travel around the world kumpul memory and experience. Lols.