the end.

I have a few versions of this post. I wrote it as time goes by. I post it and took it down numerous times. Not because suddenly things changed but it just was not the right time. It just doesn't seem like it is the end. If you read the history of it. We always make up after a fight. We always patch things up and talk like nothing ever happens. like everything was okay and that we were fine. It was just another thunderstorm and it started to sunny again once it was over. But it was different this time. It is the end. 

It amazes me how we could be strangers and then share so much but at last, we go back to where it started. A stranger. I believe the people we meet and allow to enter our lives teach us some valuable lessons somehow. Even though the goodbye part is the hardest but once we get over it, we see the 'reason' behind everything happening for a reason. 

You came into my life unplanned and we should have stopped talking after I told the lies about how I got your number. I shouldn't have even kept your number in the first place and then given it to someone I know. But then there we are. Honestly, I had never experienced anything like this. When we first got to know each other, I felt like I know you. It is like my soul has met you before. I do not know how to explain it. I kept trying to find this connection. I kept asking people. I asked my friend if they ever cross with someone that they just met but it feels like you have known each other for a lifetime. But I never actually got the answer. I google it as well okay because it feels weird. And the fact that I never felt like this before gives me a thousand thoughts. But I know now, that you were my soul buddies. 

We shared so much with each other and we have lots of memories together. Despite the age gap and the distance. We were somehow able to do things together. Like, remember when both took MUET together? I took it at Matriks and you at some high school. But we took it on the same day. So we kinda have a similar topic. And that night we talked about this, sharing our stories of facing this MUET. We always watched football together. If I were not able to watch it, you will be updating the current score. And I will do the same for you if you did not get a chance to watch it. Funnily we got heartbroken around the same time. I think I got dumped first and then you are having yours or it was the other way round. I don't remember it much but I know that time we pour our hearts out, we cry, and listen to some sad songs. It was funny when I look at it back. The heartbreak was unbearable that we plot to kill each other. But you say, if you die, who will I be friends with? So we scrap the idea out. 

We did not talk every day with each other. But when we do talk, we could do it for hours. It seems like we always have something to talk about even though it was silly. I mean who can I talk about sampin for almost two hours or the fact that we talked about tandas KLCC RM2. How sometimes you just play a guessing game with me. We are both very competitive even though there is no winning prize. I missed it though. I miss talking to you. But mostly I miss us. The version of us who were young and carefree. I think the real world breaks us up. 

We were so close that somehow it scares me. What if you meet someone and then you forget about me? Or how if I meet some guy and I forget about you. Even though we prove to each other that, even if we are both with someone at that moment, we will not forget each other. And I guess after a while and we were both single and the conversation getting deeper, I started to grow feelings for you. I tried to brush it off. I helped you to get a few girls you have a crush on and I go be with a few guys. But the feeling was always there. It never go away, it never died. It just stood there waiting. 

And the wait is over the day I confess and then you said you like me too. We become different people even though we never declare we were together. Suddenly you started to distance and I was wondering if I ever did anything wrong to you. You never explain and just want me to forget about it. We talked but not like before. I felt hurt but I think maybe you got a lot of things in your mind. I tried to be understanding and ignore it. But along the way, I just felt tired with all of this and I could feel myself slip. It was all I ever want but is it even worth it? Are we even meant to be?

I kept thinking of walking away and leaving all of this behind, leaving you as it is. Saving myself while I still could before I fell way too deep. But I kept coming back and you kept reassuring me. So I hold on to whatever I have and have faith that this storm will be over. That the sun will shine again and we will be okay. And I thought it finally ends when you started to talk about marriage to me. I thought that the day has come. I was wrong. You ask me to forget about it after a few months of saying it. You took back your words. It breaks my heart into millions of pieces. I could feel it drop and crash. I did not beg you to change your mind. But I stayed and hope that you did change your mind somehow. But at the same time, I was so tired and I just wants it to end. So I left. I walked away and I never turn back.

Of course, it breaks my heart again, whatever is lefts of it anyway. I was never the same person again after that day.

But eventually, I know now why it needs to end, why it has to end. We were so careful in taking care of what we had as it was delicate. It was our masterpiece that somehow we tore up. We stopped caring about it. We grew distant and fell apart. Your name stopped flashing on my phone and my call was left unanswering. We go from having lots of talks to being unable to form any words or sentences. How did we even get here? 

I know that I am the one who said I am done with this. I know I am the one who calls it quit and ends it. But we both know somehow it was for the best. We destroy the best part that we have by staying together. We hurt each other to see who had the most bruises. We want this to work so bad but nothing is working anymore. All we did was broke each other hearts and it has to stop before it goes horribly wrong. It has already damaged us and that is why I left. 

From here and there, then and now, you know I will do anything for you. Even though I never said it but you know, I will do those things Bruno Mars said in "Grenade". You know marriage just wasn't for me. Of course, I want it, more when it was with you. But you know deep down, I have so many things to do. You know how I wanted to continue my study. and you are always one of my supporters. I remember the very last day we talked. You asked me did I had already continued with it and I said not yet but soon. I could feel a small grin from you. You are always proud of the things I did and achieve. And I was happy when you told me about your new job and a new place. I was glad you were doing great. And I wanted to thank you for giving me the closure that I have been seeking since the day I walk away. Thank you for put an end to this as I knew you need it too.

You will always have a special place in my heart and the back of my mind. If an alternate universe existed, I hope we make it in one of them. But even if it doesn't, I hope we meet again in heaven. You were my best friend joe. You were my person, my everything. And even though we are no longer talking, I always kept you in my prayers. I wish you the very best in anything you do and I hope you meet someone who could give you what you need. I miss you so much but I really hope our paths will not cross again in this world. I hope we both peacefully live our life. Happy and content. I will never forget us and I hope you won't too. But I think it is best that you go your own way and I go mine. It is better to leave as it is and end it.

Dream, past and remembering

 I did not know if it was a RED season or what but I feel of writing this, to pour this heartfelt that I felt for quite some time. I just realize that the last time that I was here was like 6 months ago. But maybe it was time to go and write again. I mean it won't be active like I used to but I might write when I feel like it. 

Before we began, let just talk about RED first. Oh my goodness, all too well was my favorite, always. The usual one is perfect, but the new long version was even better. I always thought that this song was meant for Ashraf. But after some time, I kinda listen to it when I feel sad or miss him. So the song was now dedicated to him. However, somehow the longer version one was perfectly dedicated to him by me. There are a few sentences or words in that lyric that resemble the things I had with him. But I guess RED will always be for Ashraf. After all, I did write a post about him with that title honestly.

Okay, let's move forward to the reason I was here. 

I guess I never wrote this after it happen. But somewhere around March this year, he came to my dream. I don't quite remember what the dream was now. But he did appear in my dream quite a few times that I continue to sleep so that I could see him even though he did not say much. But I did see him. And I was sad when I wake up as it was only a dream. A week before this dream, I did talk about him to Farah. Mostly about what happened. So after that talk, I just can't stop thinking about him. I missed him so very much. It feel like a week where I felt that way and just miss everything about him, about us. The flashback kept creeping on and he kept double-crossing my mind. It was like, they say all wells that end well but I am in new hell. 

Then, on the night of Tina's bachelorette party, I accidentally call him. I don't know how as the name of the person I was meant to call was different and in fact far from the letter of his name. I drop it once I realize it. After an hour, he called me back but I say 'wrong number, sorry'. And my day getting worse. Nope, I think the next day of it was getting worsen. Usually, I will only have a week to have this kind of breakdown but this has been a few weeks and weeks turn to month. The heart won't rest and the mind kept playing the flashback. But I keep calm and let the heart, mind, and soul feel what it needs to feel. It took quite some time to recover. Feels like I just took numerous steps back but I was fine afterward.

But he called me out of a sudden. He called when everything was back to normal and fine. I did not answer it a first as I thought I was dreaming. But he called me the second time and I hear his voice. His rough-the kind I like- voice. I quite feel my heartbeat fast as usual and everything feels dead silent. We talk for quite a while and I was happy and glad to know that he was okay and everything went well for him. He said he will call again later but he never did. Up until now. But I did not mind much as I felt maybe this is the 'closer' that I was looking for. So I felt grateful instead.

I could say that we go our own separate way after that call. Never to heard and know again. And it was okay. But there is always one of those days that I thought about him and reminisce about the past where everything was good between us. And yeah sometimes I do wonder if he remembers it all too well.

It has been quite a while and today he appeared in my dream. It felt real. And I never thought I saw him so clear, so vivid. At first, I thought it was just a random dream. But there he was with his old grey/green pleated shirt. Watch me, smile at me. I did not say anything as I am still shocked. The funny thing I say was. 'you never call and say anything. so I move on with my life. He smile and hugged me. Every dreamt I had of him, he never say enough or anything. He just does a random gesture or smiles. We got married in that dreamt of mine. And I could feel in my bones that this was just a dream and I want out. I want to wake up. I don't want this. I never want this anymore. 

I got out and wake up. But even when I say I don't care and that it is just a dream. I still think of that dream. But his vivid face was slowly disappearing and fading from my mind. Thus, before I forget all about it, I wrote it here. And layer if I came back and read it, I will remember it all too well.

That long conversation

I had a very sort of long conversation with joe the other day. About us and everything. The past, the future, the present. All those good thing that should have been settle ages ago.

As usual i start the conversation. I wish him happy new year and the best for all the goals he sets for this year. I mean how should  i know he is the type of person yg ada buat goals or not. Coz im not. Just baru tahun ni i baru nk start buat. Lols. And i told him that i realize hows foolish i am for all the things i said before. Semuanya di sebabkan perasaan marah. Memang kalo marah tu takyah ckp pape. Senyap sudah. I also say that i will hold on to his words or question tu semua. I nk go with the flow. If ada jodoh, adalah. And i mention psl blackpink rockstar tu ye. Ha, kali ni takde sebab dia nk ckp i lupa ke apa. And btw, i n joe like the not so officially tubuhkn band ni ye. This is nothing to do with the korean bank okayy. Our band dh ditubuhkan since 2008 di mana original member dia adalah i, joe, then gf joe yg i lupa nama dia n ashraf. But then both of them broke up with us so tinggal i n joe. Which smpai la ni tak cari member yg baru. So i dont think so it will officially will be form unfortunately. Yeah, that is basically tu je rasanya apa yg i ckp ngan dia. Oh and i mintak tolong carikan tiket bola macam biasa. Hahaha.. Mcm biasa i tak harap dia balas. Kalo tak balas pun takpe. At least i dont need to think or say anything. It save my energy. But then if dia balas, it is up to me kalo nak balas or tak depends on what the content is. 

But then as usually, cliche as it may seems, dia balas cuma lmbt sehari. Time zone kteorng mmg different pun. Later i told you why. He was being nice. Wishing me the same and all.He agrred though about going with the flow. He told me not to think about it that much as i still am young, i got the whole world in front of me. Yelah, i faham. We both still nak achieve whatever our dream is. We both still young and foolish and broke. He also apologize for all the things that happen before. He realize and see of all the things happen but maybe he dont know how to react and what to say. He jokes about the band of us and about him being ulat tiket i. But assure me that he will find it for me if he can. And he also said that he know he was not the 'good guy'...

At first i mula ingt tak nak balas but then that 'good guy' makes me want to reply. I told him that i wont be thinking much about us as i nak focus on my career this year. I go with the flow. I told him i forgave him. We both patut bukak buku baru. Tahun baru, buku baru, permulaan baru. And about the good guy, i cakaplah yg i kenal dia dh 12 tahun bukan 12 saat. I kenal dia dari zaman dia nakal giler sampai lah sekrng dh berubah, elok je i tgk. Serious i ckp banyak giler perubahan dia. Kalo imbau balik masa mula2 kteorng kenal dlu, i mcm tak caya je yg i manage to befriend dia. I mean dia like out of my league as a friend. Even my mom tak approve our friendship at first. So i tak perlu explain lebih. I think you guys get it. And even though we knew each other quite long, i know that i not really knew him too well. But still kalo i manage kawan ngan dia smpai sekrng, mesti ada sebab. And it is not because i had like a big crush on him okayy. I accept him for who he is, every flaws.. i accept.

And i thought i ended there but it didnt. The thing yg buat i suka kat dia is how he give advice and positive vibe. Dari dulu lagi dia selalu nasihat i, give me support. So dia nasihat kn i psl kerje, sruh focus psl kerje, jgn bawak masalah dalam kerje nnti haywire jadinya. The big surprise is that dia dh berhenti kerje. And he is looking for new job. I terkejut gaklah. Sbb i ingt dia still with the old job cuma i tau lah dia mmg tgh cari kerje lain. Lebih kurng mcm i. But i wish him the best in things he do. Okay, part yg i ckp psl timezone tu. Dia mention yg kitadh kenal each other about 13years. Sbb nyer dia kira masa i umur darjah 6. Yg i lak ckp 12 tahun sbb mmg kenal masa form 1 pun. Masa darjah 6 tu ckp kt dalam fon pun memarah memasing. Apa cer. Tapi mcm biasa. I ye kan jelah. We both timezone mmg lain pun.

This is like the very first time we both having a long conversation. Selalunya i msg panjang2, dia bukan respon pun. Hahaha.. Lols. But it was a very good long conversation. I bersyukur and feeling glad we finally sort everything out. I guess we wait and see jelah. If we meant to be, we meet again somehow somewhere. For now we go with the flow.

Speak now

Speak now or forever hold your peace.

I never regret my confession towards joe. I am not regret of saying what i really truly feel inside. I know that last time i took it back. But i didnt this time. I nekad untuk tell him the truth. Mmg nmpk mcm perigi mencari baldi. But so what? Sometime a girl gotta do what a girl gotta do. Dont judge me. Beside i rasa penat melayan perasaan i yg kacau bilau, yg asyik tukar fikiran. Kejap nk move on, kejap xnk. Penat kita tau. And penat sebenarnya pendam and just hold on to what if. So i just follow my heart and just told him. It took lot of courage and bravery. I bkn puji diri i. Maybe sket. Hehe..

But seriously, we were friend almost 9 years. It was a very long time. Eventhough i realize i fall for him 5 years ago. But still. I love our friendship more than anything. More than my feeling towards him. The reason i hold on was bcoz i takut kalo feeling ni akan destroy our friendship. The 'what if'. Wlaupun i takut sgt i akan ruin persahabatan yg lama terbina ni. Tpi smpai bila kn i nk seksa diri i. So i just go on and apa nk jadi, jadilah. Kalo mmg dh xde jodoh nk kwn xpe. Im glad i met him and that he was part of my life once.

Tpi tulah xsangka kan.. He felt the same way. Haha.. Mcm xcaya je. I mean yelah. I already expect the worse kot. Like dia xblas, putus hubungan terus or he just like say i ske u sbgai kwn je, thats it. Smpai sekrng mcm.. wow.. seriously.. or am i still dreaming? Yelah, for someone had a feelings on me is kinda.. weird i guess.. Tpi papelah.. the happy feeling u feel when the person u like, like u back. Pure happiness.. Haha.. Lols..

I bkn jenis yg ske letak harapan tinggi sbb byk kali dh dikecewakan. Sbb tu i always expect the worse and never prepared for the good news. Sbb tu serabut. But if you didnt end up like me. Its ok. At least now you know what s/he feels towards and u can move on. Xkisah lah nk move on terus dri hidup dia or move on but stay as a friend. Mcm kwn i sorng. He told his feeling towards the girl that he been in love with for 4 years. And eventhough it was too late sbb that girl nk kahwin dh. And kwn i bkn nk serabut kn pompuan tu ke apa. It just something he need to tell and then let go. He told the girl and the girl said nothing. And for my friend, he said its ok sbb niat mmg nk bgitau je. Dia rasa lega sgt sbb at least he let it pout and now he's move on and happily with some other girl. Different people, different stories kan? Pape pun u akan rasa mostly lega. At least one burden has been lift off. And u say what u need to say. U akan rasa lega. And never ever ever regret it.

I sendiri xtau mcm mne i dgn joe ni. If it meant to be, it meant to be. If not we stayed friends. Tpi pling i lega gila gila lah bila we both can still talk, joke and fooling around like we used to. Mcm kwn2. The feeling somehow didnt destroy anything and kteorng pun dh xnk n xkn sentuh psl bnde alah tu. Let it pass. At least masing2 tau yg masing2 x tepuk sebelah tangan. Harap kita berkekalan selamanya. Wlaupun mungkin hanya sebagai kwn. Tpi harap lebih dri kawan lah. Haha. Gedik.. Gatal. :D ;X

But remember never be afraid to say what you truly feel inside. Bcoz your thoughts are matter and need to be heard. I know that we had doubt, insecurities, the overthinking and the anxiety. But just bear in mind that what happens, happens. At least u said what u gotta said and need to be heard and dont you ever ever feel any regret. Keep that in mind and repeat it to yourself over and over again whenever you had doubt and was about to change your mind. Again.

Pukul 2.56 pagi

I guess my so on nk move on dri joe has fail with avail. Surprise surprise *sarcastically

I mean yelah ye ye je ckp nk move on. Ye ye o je.. Acah acah je i ni. Mcm tak biasa. Before this dh bpe byk kali tah asyik cancel je. Tpi serious i dh nekad kot masa tu. Mmg serious rasa nk move on and rasa bley move on kali ni. Serious talk wei. Sbb that time mmg rasa mcm xpelah dh kwn lama ke apa ke. I need to destroy this friendship in order to move on and let go. Tah pape je. Tpi tulah. Mungkin dgn harapan ble i bwat dia lesap n ignore i mcm dlu. It be easy and less painful sbb at least that time i xperlu buat apa apa. Dia ignore i, push me away and all. And im tired. I done this before. Smpai bila nk kene ada sini ble dia ignore i ke apa. So kalo dia ignore i this time, i would just let go. Cuma tulah kene bwat something yg boleh bwat dia ignore and push me away again. I done this before ok. Dlu i tak strong. Sekarang insyallah. So i pun bwat lah... 

What did i do before that make him push me away??

Easy...

I told him i like him. Like really really like him. Wlaupun mmg betul pun. Tapi tulah. Nk sruh dia push kita away kn. Sbb dlu pun i prnh buat. Pastu i freak out. I took it back. And dia tak balas pape pun. Lega wei. Haha.. Tau takut.. But then suddenly he's gone. I dont know where to look for him. He just shut me off. Serious rasa mcm nk jahit mulut sendiri je time tu. Yelah sape sruh gi confess. Kan dia dh lari dh.. Hmm.. But of course i got it all wrong. Dia ada masalah keluarga time tu. He needs time alone. Tpi kalo ye pun bgi jelh tau. I give u some space lah. I bkn nyer clingy wlaupun kdg2 mcm psycho gak. Haha.. 

So i told him i like him again. At 2.56 am. I bkn gigih smpai ingt waktu i confess tu. Ni semua sbb dia balas. Dia respond. This time he respond. Wlaupun esok tu i check xde pape msg dri dia. And i was glad sbb ok bley move on dh. Dia bkn kisah pun sbb tu dia tak balas. And kalo dia balas pun, i just harap dia bgitau i dia tak ske i ke or dia ske i as kwn je or dia tak yah balas lah. Senang. So i pun mengharungi hari tu seperti biasa cuma menghiburkan diri. Takde lah kecewa but it was a celebration of freedom kot. Cewah. Pastu entah mcm mne. I got text from him ptg tu. He replied, "apa u meroyan ni pukul 2.56 pagi? u kene rasuk hantu apa? ke mimpi?". I mcm.. why did u reply? I tak boleh lah. I patutnya let go je or block num dia ke apa. Tpi i gi balas gak. I confess balik. Nekad wei nk dia buang i dri hidup dia. Tgh dok sibuk balas confession tu.. Tetbe... bagi suspen jap... Dia balas.. Dia ckp... 

"i pun ske u gak selama ni, tpi ske dlm diam."

Terkedu i jap wei. I mcm.. speechless. I tgh mimpi ke apa ni. Sbb rasa lpas subuh tu tgk dia tak balas pastu aku smbung tdo smpai termimpi dia balas. Mimpi ke ni wei.. I pinch myself a few time. Its real. He confess. He say it. He likes me. He likes me all this time. And i am not alone. And tak perlu dh tarik tali lagi dh.. Tpi ada lagi dia ckp. He told me he doesnt want to couple and all that. Ckup duit, ckup diri terus kahwin je. And to be honest i tak kisah pun. Sbb i pun tak nk actually boipren or girlpren ni. Serious tak nak. I pun mmg rasa nk terus kahwin je. Dh malas lah. Nnti ye ye je together last last end up ngan orng laen. Mungkin we both still pegang pada "kalo ada jodoh, ada" mcm masa kteorng borang psl isu kahwin dlu tu. Pastu i mcm still tak percaya. Dia ni memain ke. I marah dia kot. I ckp jgn beri i harapan. Jgn ckp just bcoz u just nk jaga hati i. It really its ok joe. Its ok. Nmpk sgt mmg nk joe tarik balik apa dia ckp n xnk pun dia ckp pun mcm tu. Yelah i dh positive kn diri kot. N i mmg fkir dia akan dia ske i as friend je. Tup tup laen lah. But he convince me. So pape lah kn. Kalo dia tipu, i sumpah dia jadi katak. Haha.. Katak yg pentol selalu.. Lols..

But it was nice you know. To know he felt the way as i am. And i tak keseorngan. So mcm mne nk move on?? Batalkn jelah niat tu. For now, taknk letak harapan tinggi2 ke apa. Relax je. Ada jodoh ada, kan joe. At least i dh confess what i feel all this time. Lega gle rasa wei. So tak perlu lah nk rasa regret ke apa. Jodoh tak ley bwat apa. Tu semua plan Allah. Kita sebagai hamba redha dengan ketentuan masing2. 

Tak pernah2 i bwat kerja gila mcm ni. Gila lah. Nasuha confess feeling dia kt crush dia. Nk tergelak rasa. Haish.. But after the confession, suddenly everything seem clear and everything make sense. Asal lah dlu blur wei. Serious kot he gave all the sign. And wlaupun dlu i mmg rasa and mcm boleh agak tpi xnk berharap kot. Takut nnti kecewa. Mne tau dia mmg mcm tu. Sweet talker or apa apa ke. I yg syok sendiri. So i positive kn diri. Over thinking mmg memenatkan. But sekrng tak perlu dah. Sekrng boleh just chill and relax and let the fate decide whats best for us both.

Kalo ada jodoh, alhamdulilah. Kalo takde, kte stay as friend insyallah. And kalo mmg tak meant to be, its ok. At least i told you what i feel. I let my guards down and tore up my wall. At least u know what i truly feel. At least i wont regret any of it. So its ok joe, It really its ok :)

Tpi harap kita ada jodoh lah. Haha.. Ok memain je.. Haha. :D

Jealous much??

Bagi sape yg kenal i mesti tau yg i bkn jenis yg snang jeles. The word jealous just didnt exist in my life. Mesti korng like seriously pompuan ni xpernah rasa jeles? Bohonglah. But sadly its the truth. Pelik mmg pelik tpi tu kenyataan kay. I dpt apa je bohong. Bgitau sket.

 

Ok. Adalh jeles tu sket tpi kejap je. Like npe orng ni rapat ngan orng ni or npe dia dpt beli bnde alah tu, npe tu npe ni. Tpi kejap je. Lama2 i lpe and it slowly disappeared. Pastu i jeles ble joe gi stadium tgk jdt nyer match and dia bwak vespa dia round2 and dia gi kedai vintage yg i nk gi tu. Tu antara bnde yg mmg tah pape tpi antara bnde yg mmg i jeles. Tau pelik n tah pape. But i just get a jealousy feeling with those stuff.

But to be jeles bcoz of a guy with another girl, tu bkn i. Sbb time ngan ashraf lagi i mmg xde perasaan jeles. Perasaan sakit hati sbb dia selalu busy memanjang, xde masa tok i, mmg ye. But untuk i jeles ble i nmpk dia text with other girl or ambik gmbr ngan girl laen etc, i takde rasa apa2. Sbb tu ashraf left me sbb nmpk mcm i ni tak bgi apa2 effort in our relationship. Sbb i ley xkisah dia ngan pompuan tu. I kisah actually cme i xnk kongkong dia. I pun xske orng control i. I ada ckp kot kt dia kalo kwn xpelah. Eleh, padahal dia mmg nk dump kte tu. Okay, cte lepas. Xperlu dikenang. And then there was joe. I xrasa jeles ble dia ngan other girl. Like seriously, i xjeles, i dont give a damn, mcm seolah2 xpe last2 dia ngan aku je. Cewah. Confident gle. Tpi sekrng feeling dh xde. Dh move on. Haha.. Tinggal kenangan jelh.

I always hope yg i akan jumpa someone yg bley bwat i rasa jeles. Kalo crush2 tu xde apa rasa sgt sbb alah crush je pun. Ble jumpa je excited, kalo tak jumpa, tak ingt pun. But then, my wish/hope came true. I found someone yg berjaya bwat i rasa jeles. Eh menyampah lak perasaan jeles ni sbb tah pape. Bgi i lah. I perasan perasaan tu ada tpi i bwat2 dia tak wujud sbb untuk apa i nk jeles kt dia. He's not my significance other pun. Tpi tulah, peliklah. Dlm ramai2 npe perlu i rasa jeles kt dia. Tak munasabah tau. Ble i nmpk dia ngan girl laen or dia ada msg ngan girl laen, perasaan jeles tu ada muncul. Tpi i rasa mcm tah pape lak sbb who is he for me to be jealous with. Mcm pelik je ayat ni. Xpe. Pokoknya korng fhm apa yg i nk smpai ni kn. I xpatut rasa jeles. Xde bnde pun nk dijeleskan lgi pun. Dh dh ckup. Perasaan je kot. Lelama nnti hilang lah. Bknnya nk end up ngan dia pun. Lps ni hilang berterbangan lah crush2 n jeles2 ni kt dia.

Ok perlu stop. I think im going crazy.

Jejaka baju hijau

Entry ini dituju khas untuk awak yg berbaju hijau emerald. Tak tau npe dlm byk2 wrna baju awk, wrna tu jugak yg saya pilih. Mungkin sbb itu jelah satu satunya warna yg mencetuskan skandal kita. Ye, skandal. Lama xde skandal ni. Tup tup msuk U ni terus ada skandal. Eh salah, dh nk masuk tahun akhir baru ada skandal. Haha.. Tpi ok lah tu kn.  Dripada xde. Cewah. Berharap jugak tu dlm diam sebenarnya.

Kejap je kan dh nk abis degree. How times fly. Masa kenal awk mula2 masa tahun satu tu, saya xperasan awk pun sebenarnya. Nama pun tak tahu. Nk lak awk nmpk senyap. Saya pun mcm tu. Sekrng tidak lagi. Masing2 dh pndai tunjuk belang. Cewah. Saya ngaku dlu actually saya ada crush crush sket kt awk. Haha.. Tah pape kan. Ish ish. Tetbe lak ley sangkut kt awk sbb slalu saya bkn jenis ske kt classmate sendiri nak2 lak satu course. So out of my league. Saya ske awk dlu pun sbb awk senyum manis. Saya ske tgk awk senyum. Sekrng pun still ske. Tgk mata awk pun saya ske. Sbb tu ble berckp dgn awk saya ske tgk mata awk. Pergh saiko gle rasa. Haha.. Tpi saya xske ble awk senyum mengedik dan kelip2 mata. Sejak tu crush crush is crushing. Meaning dh takde dh. Terkubur dh. Haha.. Ske awk dlu pun sbb awk ske kacau saya. Pnggil nama lah, saje gurau2. Sekrng pun awk mmg ske kacau saya. Lgi ganas. N of course instead of berdiam diri mcm dlu. I stand up for myself. Saya balas balik. Lantaklah. Ceq peduli apa. Balas jgn tak balas. Hehe..

Kte berskandal pun sejak program yg kte dua join. Awk ler yg start dlu. Ley lak nk main2 ngorat anak dara orng. Saya tau awk main2 je time tu sbb awk mmg mcm tu pun, kuat bermain. Sbb tu saya bwat tak kisah je. Tpi tah mcm mne orng laen terslah sangka mcm seolah2 saya setuju jdi skandal awk. Xmasal je tau. And sejak tu, gosip tu berluasa. Masih berharap ia akan dilupakan tetapi tidak. Mne taknya, awk pun menyiyakan. Mcm mne saya nk menidakkan. Cer cte sket. Tpi saya tau ni semua hanya permainan. And we both just played along. 

Pastu entah mcm mne, kte berdua makin rapat. Sejak tetbe saya cerita psl joe kt awk. Dan awk cte psl diri awk. Kte mcm membuat sesi pengenalan, mengenali hati masing2. Cewah. Jujur, saya selesa berbual dengan awak. Dan awk pendengar yg baik. Dan perkara ini tak habis disini. Bila kita xdelah selalu bermesej dan berbual. Tpi kalo ada masa, mmg lama. Paling lama ialah pukul 4 pagi sbb tu kene gosip pasangan 4pagi or cinta 4pagi. Gosip gosip. Saya ske borak ngan awk tpi saya tnggu awk berhenti perbualan tu sebenarnya sbb saya mmg tak reti. Kalo borak ngan joe pun, dia yg akan stop dlu. Erti kata laen, lesap tetbe. Tpi awk tak. Pastu saya tnggu gak kalo gaya awk msg menunjukkan awk bosan borak ngan saya. Tpi tak juga. Tu smpai 4 pagi tu. Tu pun sbb saya kata saya nk tdo. Tpi tu pun slalu ckp je nk tdo pastu smbung borak lagi. Pastu akhir2 ble dh perasan jam tu dh pkul bpe, dh sedar diri jap, baru betul2 ucap selamat mlm. Saya ske di setiap akhir perbualan, awk mesti ucap, nite2 su, mimpi indah, bye2, assalamualaikum. Dan bila saya balas balik, awk akan akhir dengan emoticon2. Awk slalu nk jadi orng terakhir dlm perbualan. Dan lagi satu, mungkin perasaan saya saje, tpi ada masa kita saling berpandangan wlaupun sekilas. Cewah. Ayat.

Terima kasih sbb awk buat saya sedar yang mengejar suatu yg tak pasti itu memenatkan. Yg hidup ni terlalu singkat untuk menunggu benda yang tak pasti. Dan saya berhak menerima yang lebih baik. Dan sbb tu saya membuat keputusan untuk meneruskan hidup dan melupakan feeling2 saya terhadap joe. Ada jodoh ada. Tpi buat masa ni, semuanya nmpk kabur. Dan saya terlalu penat kejar joe. Tiba masa untuk saya kejar cita cita saya pula. Wlaupun awk tak pernah ucap bnde2 tu semua. Tpi awk buat saya sedar dlm diam. Jadi, terima kasih. 

Entry ni khas untuk awak, dan didedikasi untuk awak, ikhlas dri saya. Kira special lah tu. Yg pernah dpt pun of course family, the girls, joe and ashraf. Dan kini awk salah seorng drpd mereka. Kenapa? Sbb awk telah meninggalkn kesan dlm hidup saya, membuat saya gembira dan awk merupakan salah seorng insan yang saya tak pernah terfkir akan selesa untuk borak apa saje. Sbb saya pun tersedar saya cerita psl joe and my past kt awk. Sesuatu yg aneh tpi papelah. Saya doakan awk bahagia dan berjaya dunia akhirat. Semoga ketemu jodoh seblum umur 26 tahun. Goodluck untuk thesis dan final year. Harap dpt bergraduasi bersama sama nanti. Insyallah. :)

Npe entry ni dlm bm? Sbb saya telah telah disoal oleh SV ttg markah bm saya. Teruk sgt bm. Tunggang langgang sih ayat. Tpi sejak sklh pun mmg bi lgi tinggi dri bm. Nk bwat mcm mne. Bkn nk berlagak tpi tulah. Saya ni mcm orng cina yang tak reti tulis bahasa cina. Tau baca dan sebut je. Bkn nk racist. Contoh... Kan dh kabo contoh tuu.. Sbb tulah saya taip dlm bm untuk entry ni. Tpi best gak sbb ble baca tu mcm gedik2 sket. Eh eh.. Haha.. Oh and it also maybe a Taylor's appreciate day. Sbb byk gmbr dia. Lols.

That long conversation

Remember that classmate of mine, that i had a crush in him long time ago? Well, i had a very long conversation with him for these past two days. How that happen? I sendiri xtahu. It all happen naturally. Rupanya we got lot to talk about and we get along pretty well. Who knows kn?

It all started masa tetbe ari jumaat tu i kene bwak fiqah n zuha gi pejabat IM4U tok ambik cek for kteorng nyer program. Fiqah tetbe sruh ajak dia. And i pun xkisah lah. Tpi i yg kene msg. Fine lah kan. Tpi dia xfollow sbb lmbt sgt blasnya. Kterorng dh gerak dh pun. Dia lak mmg xley sbb member dtg. So xpelah. Xkisah pun. But weirdly somehow that conversation x stop situ wlaupun i blas lmbt gle sbb tgh drive. Jln kt kl tu jem gila babeng kay. Xspecially mont kiara tu. How those people lived in that place? Mmg lah kwasan elite lah gak tpi i boleh jadi gila kalo lama2 kt situ tau.

Ok, long story short. We texted smpai kul 4pagi. Teruk gak ah kene bahan ngan fiqah n yanie. Ngek dowh. I was waiting for him to stop actually sbb joe kn slalu mcm tu. But he never did. Sbb tu ler lama gila borak. Wlaupun borak bnde tah pape je kot. But he never stop and i dont know how to stop him. N lagi satu, i mmg enjoy his company. Tpi jgn salah sangka tau. I mmg xde pape feeling kt dia. I masih dlm nk rawat luka, nk focus on me, myself n i. Nk2 lak after i tau ada one of my classmate yg ada feeling kt dia. Mmg taklah ceq nk gaduh psl laki. Nk ambik ler. He was not my type anyway. I nk orng dri JB remember? n other courses than me. I mana lh ske orng sama course ngan i. Nk2 lak classmate lagi tu. Mintak dijauhkan. Haha..

Then it happen again yesterday. Semlm i food hunting ngan gadis2 ayu kt damansara. More to cafe hunting lah. Ya Allah, bpe byk calories and sugar lah aku consume semlm. Esok kene puasa. Ok2. Kt sana tu kteorng terjumpa kedai nama 'doi chaang'. I pun whatsapp dia gmbr n ckp, xsangka hang bkk kedai senyap, xhabaq kt kteorng semua ek'. And the conversation go on. Mcm biasa wlaupun i blas msg lambt sbb tgh drive. Yg laen lak bila fon i buyi lagu 'kim possible' tu, xabis2 ckp. Ha chang msg suha.. Ngek sih. Terok gak ah kene bahan. Ni semua gara2 sbb i digossipkan ngan dia masa program aritu. But everything is a joke. Seriously. Kteorng just played along. Janji masing2 xambik serious psl hal ni. Sbb bnde ni mmg main2 pun. I just tnggu gossip ni lesap n dia or i digossipkn ngan orng laen lak or it just stop or dorng just focus on other people and stop gnggu kteorng. Either way i was hoping.

But then as the night goes late, i realize that.. tak.. i still xde feeling kt dia ok. I teringt joe. We used to had this kind of long conversation. Naturally and cte psl mcm2 bnde. Merapuness and tak merapu. That 3 or 4 o'clock in the morning. Tpi mcm biasa lah ble joe dh ngantok, it just end there. Later2 or esok2 baru smbung. And i missed joe. I missed the old him. I missed us and all the things we used to do or say. I missed everything that involve joe. And i realize that i should stop texted my classmate ni. Tetbe rasa painful lak sbb dia remind me of joe or the things i used to say yg i nk laki mcm joe. Ye nmpk mcm i nk avoid feeling i kt classmate i. Tpi x sbb mmg xde pape feeling pun. Wlaupun dlu ngan joe mcm nilah. He was there when ashraf left and he was there picking the broken piece of my heart. This time mmg xde feeling. X deny x apa. Sumpah. Mmg xde feeling langsung. Fullstop!

So semlm masa dok msg2. Rupa2nya dia ikut gi putrajaya. So of course the conversation stop and that was good. I pun xde intend nk smbung ke apa. But then dia text i lpas i hntr dia balik. He said thanks and apa tah lagi borak. Haish. Kul 5pagi lak baru stop. Just wishing it wont happen today or nnti2. I cannot lah. It make me miss joe even more and this bandage cant fix bullet hole. So it started to bleed again. Wlaupun sekrng i tgh tlong dia ngan subject english dia, tpi kalo dia x text i asking about that thing, i will remain silent. 

Tpi satu je i ske ttg dia. He will always say gudnite, sweet dream, beri salam, bye2. It remind me of ashraf yg dlu masa kteorng together just this one even better. Pastu dia mesti nk jadi the only one yg finish the conversation sbb dia mesti akn hntr emoticon2 dia tu after i lak yg say nite2 blah blah tuu. Or it just his habit. Eh entahlah. Lantaklah. Pape pun, thank you sbb hiburkn hati aku untuk 2hari tu.

Is it a fling or a crush?

First of all, i bukan berubah hati dri joe ok. Hati i sgt setia ngan dia. Which is weird but i dont care. Pape lah. As long as ia xmemudaratkan i. Xpe. Yelah. Mne tau tetbe i terlalu berharap sgt pastu harapan itu musnah hancur berkecai, i yg frust menonggeng kay. And of course my heart is bleeding love. Pastu lagu patah seribu memenuhi setiap ruang di kamar ku. Ceh. Dramatic gila. Haha... 

Ok2. Long time ago. Xingt ble. Tpi masa tu baru msuk ukm lah. I had a crush on one of my classmate. I xtau npe. And i dont usually do this sbb i mmg xske ada pape feeling ngan any of my classmate or orng sama umur ngan i or orng sama course ngan i. I ckp betul kay. But he was different. I like him but i dont know why. I mean he;s good looking sometime. I love his eyes. I love staring at it whenever i talked to him. I love his smile. I like him. But i love joe more. Too bad. ;)

Jgn salah anggap ok. Wlaupun actually i ada hak untuk like someone else sbb i n joe bkn official pun. We just like hold on. Tgk mana relationship ni nk bawak kteorng gi. Beside, we both kinda busy. I dgn final year n thesis nyer lgi. Dia ngan kerja dia, ada projek baru katanya. And im ok with this kind of relationship. I really am. Pelik kn? Mungkin sbb knowing joe. Dia ego and sgt rendah diri. He never said those 3 ily word but he say it through his action and riddle. He always want the best for me. He think i deserve someone better than him semua sbb taraf. Sdgkn parents i xkisah pun. Taraf di sini bkn duit ye. Tpi pelajaran. He feel i deserve someone yg sama taraf ngan i. Dia xfhm ke yg i xkisah n i want him only. Aigoo.. Ok ketepikan dahulu. 

I ske this guy xde lah yg ske gila. Ni just ske ble jumpa je. Lpas tu xrasa sgt dh. Tpi dh lama kot i ske dia. Laen gila dri encik saga, Happy n sape2 lah. Bcoz this one this feeling stay. Wlaupun dlu i ingt dh xde. Tpi ada lgi rupanya. Haha. And yg pling bestnya. Im very good in hiding it. Like xde sape pun tau yg i ada feeling kt dia. I makin mantap dlm permainan ni. Yelah dlu nadia n farah sendiri ckp i xpndai hide. Cara i tenung sesorng tu expose me. But i learn. And now im good at it.

But it all just a crush. Wlaupun sekrng ni we like pretending mcm we together. Tah pape kn. Gossip smue tu. But he played along and so am i. Cuma i harap feeling ni stay mcm tu je. A crush. N i xharap dia ske i or apa2. I just harap that ada lah sket rasa ske tu kt i. Sikit je. Xperlu byk. N xperlu lelama. Kejap je. 

 

Tpi wlaupun dlm keadaan mcm ni. Feeling i kt joe kekal. Sbb i still baca msg dia sblum i tdo or ble i bosan. Pastu i senyum sorng2. Pastu memori flash back dlm otak i. Pastu i senyum sonrg2 lagi *chuckle. Feeling i kt joe xmudah untuk hilang. I love him even if he doesnt love me. And this all just a crush. A fling while im here. Xlama nnti tu hilang lah.. kn.. 

Still into you

Have you ever feel so sure about something. It wasnt like you had a vision or anything. It just like something u had to do. And it just feel so right. Okay2. Let me explain.

Remember when i told in previous previous post that my feeling towards joe is slowly fading. And i want to start a new life without him. So i started to stop texting him and all. Eventhough i realize i kept on dreaming or fantasize about him. I know. Weird. But last Saturday. In desperate of need to know the score of JDT. I think, a text wast going to hurt. And it doest of course. But it was more than that. 

So after i know the score. I dont know whats going on with me. I start o rambling and talk about random stuff. Mungkin sbb dh lama xborak kot. And i rasa mcm tah pape je i ni. I just wish he didnt reply. Ignore me like he always do. But of course he didnt. Slalu mcm tu. Ble kte wish to happen, it just wont happen. Tpi ble kte nk dia lyn kte, dia ignore kte lak. I just dont understand this law of universe. 

Oh, the random stuff yg i ckp tu? I ckp psl my trip ke penang again. 28/8 nnti. But this time with the girls. Finally it happen. Well, selagi xsmpai penang tu ngan dorng, selagi tu i rasa xsecure. Takut gak ada yg cancel last minute. Spoil tau x. Ok smbung balik. After i ckp psl trip i tu semua. He was like hati2 nanti gi trip. Jaga diri. I tau it just a simple advice. Tpi hati i berbunga ok. He cared for me. Aww,, so sweet. Haha.. And i mcm biasalh, berlagak tough. Ckp dont worry bagai. I tau jaga diri.

But this last part yg bwat i xtahan tu. Dia sruh ambik gmbr nnti and post kt dia. I just berseloroh. I ckplah dia rindu tgk i ke. Tah pernah2 pun mintak. *Laughing face. Mungkin dia pun berseloroh gak. Dia ckp xperlu tnye. Kalo dh mintak tu rindu ler namanya. Lgi berbunga wei hati i ni. Haha..

 

I always be a negative nancy. A party bummer. But this time around, i allow myself to feel happy. I let myself smile a lot like i was in cloud 9 or something. I let myself singing over and over again. I xnk fkir yg mungkin he be nice or he just say something he didnt meant ke apa. I xnk fkir semua tu. Bnde tu semua i fkir esok2 ble i dh tired be a person that was drunk in love. Just for that day je. Let me feel the love. Let me feel the happiness.

And of course i move on. Not literally move on. It just that im not that drunk in love again. But im still am in love. And i realize, mungkin the feeling never really gone. It might fading away but its not gone. It was there. Waiting to be blossom again. And it did its magic. 

I rasa for now. Instead of planning and figure it out. I just let it flow. Im still into joe. I know i do. I just being stubborn and foolish. But i love him. He's the only guy who make me feel happy and whatever feel i feel. And i guess for now that was enough. He doesnt know if i kept any feeling towards him and i dont need to know what he's feeling inside. Yeah, maybe we flirt now and then. Beside, kteorng dh lama kenal n are so comfortable with each other. If its meant it meant to be kan? I redha kalo dia bkn jodoh i. But for now, i nk enjoy while it last. Life is short. Why make it difficult by create a problem that wasnt there. Lets live life like we suppose to. Fall in love, be happy. 

Great Conversation

It feels great to have a very good conversation with someone. And its been a long time too. So i kinda forget what it really make me feel. Lately, the missing part is getting worse and the only song i heard was Jauh. Dh upgrade sket drpd patah seribu. And the worst part of it all was that all those memories came rushing back like hurricane. Disaster. All i did every night was staring at the ceiling in total darkness, thinking about those good old times and a very very clique sad songs played in the background. Yep. How i actually spent the night.

But then, as i was rambling this to my roommate. And she was like, just text him. And i was like, no, he's busy, i dont want to get in his way. But then tah mcm mne playlist aku ley maen lagu Brave. And i text him. Xley second thought coz it will ruin the moment. And i dh ready physically and mentally dh. Lagu Jauh pun dh siap terpasang. Just in case.

Of course, in any clique story. He replied. And i feel glad. So yeah we talked until late night. And the best part of it all, i got the old him. And suddenly all those missing just feel paid off. Bcoz that was what I've been missing at all this time. The old him. And i feel much much better. 

And it just not end there. We talked most of the day. And i was so afraid that im gonna hate him or feel bored or apa2 yg sewaktu dgnnya. Sbb to be honest, i kinda feel these thing lately. Like i easily get bored. But maybe bcoz we talked different thing every day, we picked a fight, talk about our problem, agree on something, talked about our interest and looking back to how we first met. Maybe that's why i feel comfortable around him. 

Its funny how he keep surprise me everytime. I mean, dlu kteorng borak psl samping berjam2. Samping je tau. This time we talked about vintage/antique things/junks. Smue start drpd vespa hitam dia tu. Last2 smpai ke jln Dhoby, kedai mkn vintage. Smpai i tertidur dgn pgang fon lah snang ckp. I nyer case lah. Its been awhile. Sbb slalunya i akan off je data fon i n put aside. But not this time. We got lot to talk to.

Then tetbe he get all this touchy. Telling me when we first met. Looking back to good old times. Talking about our 1st fight, psl gaduh smpai putus kwn. *chuckles. He's weird yet sweet sbb ingt bnde alah tu smue. Or he just want me to feel bad sbb i xbpe nk ingt. I btul2 ingt 2007 but since he said 2006. Fine. Almost 9years we've been friends. And i harap sgt smpai ble2 pun we will going to be friends just like the girls. The weird thing is he didnt believe in BFF. He didnt even call me as one of his bff. He call me his 'special friend'. Aww.. Special lah sgt. Haha.. And who he is to me? My teman terlebih mesra as i would like to call everytime people questioning psl our friendship and wlaupun farah n mai xske ngan statement ni. But he is my teman terlebih mesra. 

So yeah, great conversation. Where we just talked about mostly everything. Naturally. We started from A then end up to Z, like how it get there. Regardless how late it was. And it was as if we own the night.  Or as if we were living in our own world, our pretty awesome crib. And no one to disturb coz they dont really understand. It was just our things. Even the merepek ness topik. Like kalo orng dgr mcm apa lah yg dorng merapu ni, bosan gle, tah pape. But that what make us, us. Original. Like i say our things. You, me, and this great conversation. So thank you for "humor" me this week. I appreciate it. And  welcome back the old you.  :)

Cat's lover

I think since nancy. I become quite a cat lover. Dlu x kot. I suka kucing but to hold them, no thank you. I tgk drpd jauh je. I think sekrng pun sama kot. Berbeza cme i xske pegang kucing orang or random kucing. I pegang kucing i je and kucing jiran i sbb dorng ske dtg umah i main ngan nancy. Well, it used to.

I miss her though, most of the time. Sometime i wish i could turn back the time and save her or something. Tpi dh ajal dia kot. Serious i remember lgi, i xnk let her sleep. I rasa mcm ada alternative laen lgi to save her, to see her bright eyes again. But i tau the longer i wait, she will be more hurt n tseksa. And i xtau if i sempat x. She;s critical.. Maigod, im crying again. Okay dah2..

The new cats kt umah i nie, well, they nothing like nancy. Degil dia.. mak aii.. kalo lepaskn dlm umah tu, lari sana, panjat sana. Sgt2 aggresive. But whatever it is at least now, the wound are healing a bit.And they are such a cutie.

And sekrng ada lgi satu cat mai dtg kt umah. I name her jenny. Dia sgt besar and old i think. And i pretty sure it belong to someone tpi nk pulangkn, xtau umah dia kt mana. Tetbe sesat smopai kt umah i. So my dad kasi dia mkn n minum. Mana tau tmpt persinggahan je. But she never left. Tpi dia xpernah msuk umah wlaupun pintu tbuka. Sgt behave n manja. And aritu since nk mandi kucing2 i, i mandi kn lh dia sekali. Alang2. But the way she meow, she sound just like nancy. I miss that sound. And the way she look at me.. it just alike. Cme tdo je kot laen. From what i see lah. Dlu ske tngkap gmbr nancy tdo. Comel sgt. I rasa dlm fon n laptop i byk gmbr nancy tdo instead of seeing her fully face. Gosh, i miss her.

How addicted i was with cat's picture or gif kt tumblr. Mesti save and reblogged. Omey angat. Geram. Beside what better that cute animal do silly thing kan..

Everyone, jenny Jenny, everyone

Till again...

Mother's Day

Kn aritu ckp xdpt blik kn.. But who am i kidding. Lepas blik pd terus blik rumah. Blik ukm dlu pastu parents i ambik. Special request from mommy. Niat mmg xnk blik. Bkn ape tkut menyusahkn sbb arinie blik esok dh nk blik ukm. Haish kalo xde presentation esok mmg blik selasa mlm kot. Anyway, blik pun sbb nk smbut mothers day. This time around best sbb smbut ngan nenek smue. Mmg awesome lah.

Cme.. tempat tu kureng sket lh. Mostly mknan dia daging hancur tu. N then gne yg sama je lak. Meaning dia nyer spaghetti bolognese n meatball dia gne daging tu. Pastu nancho dia pun ada daging. Aigoo.. Teman dh lh bkn fan daging. I rasa kalo nancho dia mcm kt chilis tu sedap. I mean u xyah lh nk letak daging bagai. Pling kureng pun nancho with cheese. Dh okay kot. So mmg xkn ku jejak kaki lgi ler kt situ unless xbley nk lari ble orng dh ajak..

But whatever.. Food sucks but rasa best sgt lepak ngan family i smue. Mcm family gathering gitu. What an awesome night. Mana tau buat lgi mcm nie next year. Insyallah. Maybe this time around kte gi karok ke. Hehe.. Mmg dh plan kot nk gi karok lepas mkn tpi kesian kt nenek. So dorng blik tpi i satu family gi lah karok. Tpi memikirkn dh lh tgh sakit tekat + batuk + nk ilang suara. Karang xde suara lak nk present isnin nnti or mcm adik ckp, xpsl suara akak rock mcm amuk. Yelah tu. Haha.. Next week maybe.. Please lh next week. Dh gatal nk karok dh nie. Serious. HAHA..

Anyway, wishing happy mothers day to all mother around the world. And to mommy. Thanks for bring me to this earth. Teach me about lives and do good. Thanks for support me and accept me for who i really am even though i was like so annoying most of the time. I love you mommy. You the greatest. U were my bestfriend and my mom. Thanks for everything. I love u so much. *bunny hug :)

with nenek

Bce doa dlu b4 mkn

Happy Family

selfie with adik

xoxo :)

Home sweet home

I love going back home. It was a weekly routine u know. Kalo bley mmg tiap2 minggu nk balik. If xde pape program lah. Kalo psl assignment tu, xpe, sblum balik ley siap kn or maybe lepas blik dri umah. Nope. I definitely xkn sentuh assignment2 i yg berlambak gle tu if i kt umah. So i akan bahagi masa so that i sempat siap kn at least separuh before i balik umah.

Lantaklah if orng nk kata i nie slalu sgt balik umah. Bleh bleh bleh.. Peduli ape aku. Rumah aku dekat. So korng yg jauh tu dduk diam2. Lgipun ckuplah setahun dduk kt tangkak tu. Tpi xpe. Kt tangkak bilik besar n mknan sedap2 n murah2. Sini.. hmm.. rasa mcm tiap2 ari poket kering kot sedangkn mkn xbyk pun. Maksud i mkn petang after abis class. Tu dh cmpur sekali lah lunch n dinner. Kdg2 tu siap breakfast sekali. Tau xbgus. Tpi nk wat mcm mana. Ekonomi teruk. Terpaksa lah. Dlu kalo kt tangkak, rasa mcm mkn 3 kali sehari but still poket tebal je. Pastu kalo mlm2 tu rasa lapar sgt or nk mengunyah, ada je kepok lekor jual kt cafe. Kt sini, burger je. Xkn nk mkn burger ari2 kot. Badan aku pun xpsl2 sama saiz ngan burger tu. I miss zaman matriks dlu. Dh lh dpt elauns, food heaven gle.. Okay nie mcm dh menyimpang...

Anyway, i love going back home. Sbb i dpt spent time with my family. I mean life too short you know. So u had to make most of it. Nnti ble dh tlmbt, baru nk regrets. Nasi dh jdi bubur kot. N beside ble i lepak2 ngan family, i forget all those sadness and heartache. I just having fun with my family. I guess sbb tu i nmpk happy n ceria je. Well, thats one of the secret. LOLS. Nmpk mcm drugs secara halal je. Yelah, when im with them, im happy. Dia equal ngan orng yg consume drug, rasa happy je. Lpe jap kt masalah dorng. N beside whose food better than our mom kan? N duit dpt saving sket ble balik umah. Sbb kt umah complete everything. Ckp je nk ape. Big bos akan cbe tunaikan. Ececeh..

N thats why i love going back to home and want to be at home everyday. Kalo ley nk dduk ulang alik je. Tpi nk wat mcm mana 1st year kene dduk kolej and nk ke bangi nk jam gle bley x. Xpsl sebelum subuh dh kene gerak. So xpelah. Berkorban sket. Cuti hujung minggu balik ler. At least i gotta spent time with my family and have fun. Of course.

 Xoxo..

You and result

We rarely text since i didnt have your number. We usually just talk bcoz we had the same class and you always drove me back to my college. We recently inbox each other in facebook. On our first time, u say something that remind me of joe. You say exactly like him. And now the second one, you said the things he used to say to me. Maybe bcoz of was the result coming out. So it was like the most decent common things people used to say. Or maybe i just didnt found someone say these kind a thing to me beside joe. You might say things he say. You might love to watch cartoon. Coz i remember when we went out the other day and there was Monster Inc played on the tv. You were like lost in your own world. You looks like a 3 year old kid who was mesmerized by that story. But somehow you were nothing like joe. And it was good. I mean who am i kidding, i want someone different. Well maybe.. Okay whatever.

Btw, result i xde lah memberansang sgt mcm sebelum2 nie.. Tpi since dia the first, dia same je level dgn result i masa mid kt matriks dlu.. But it was okay sbb xde yg fail and boleylah. But alhamdulilah. Alhamdulilah. It was something i know for awhile. Sbb i tnmpk nombor2 tu.. Funny, i buat solat istikharah psl bnde laen, bnde lain yg muncul. Tpi xpelah. Bnde dh jadi. Next sem buat lgi bgus. Insyallah. Xoxo..

Taking a break

This time around I taking a break by going to jaybee... Sebenarnya gi jb pun sbb ada sedara tunang. N mula2 tu actually I malas nk ikut pun. I lebih rela dduk umah jaga nancy kay. Tpi sejak my dad sogok I ngan jpo. How could I say no kan?? Tpi okay gak gi.. kalo x xdpt jumpa angah. I rindu gosip2 ngan dia tau. N xde lah holiday crush.. ye dak??

I rasa pling seronok smbut Chinese new year kt muar. Xsalah smbut. 1 Malaysia kan.. bkn smbut apa pun.. nk meriahkn je.. I love those fireworks. To be honest I rindu tangkak. Don't get me wrong. Tpi I really miss it. Rindu feeling2 ngan roommate I dila. Rindu lepak2 ngan classmate I, group mj tuu.. I just miss everything. N kat Johor lah I rasa mcm every festival ada fireworks. And tetbe I tpikir maybe joe was right and I am already comfortable there. So u xyah risau. Kalo kte ada jodoh, I follow wherever you go.. except oversea.. but x kot.. u pun xnk kan.. okay this is getting no where..

Jb was fun.. view dia.. hectic.. I rasa dia lebih kurng kl je.. maybe sbb dia dh kira Bandar kot. maybe.. tpi it was okay.. pling best lepak tepi laut smbil mkn ice cream wlaupun panas terik time tu. it was fine. and kteorng mcm mmg smbut family day pun. Somehow. Dpt je bilik, seperti biasa tv dulu. pastu baru katil. hehe.. the boys dah gi sembayang jumaat time tu. Ingt nk tdo tpi xley lah pulak. Lately nie mcm dh kurang lak tdo petang. My bro n along balik je terus gi gym. Kul 4 smua dh berendam dlm swimming pool. Mmg fun. Malam ada kenduri. Blik dri kenduri gi stulang mkn mee rebus. Tempat dia mmg best. Dia gerai mkn byk tu je. Mmg rmai orng. I know u guys mesti ckp gi kenduri xmkn ke ape. Ke melantak lgi.. Well, snang ckp makanan xckup.. so melantak ler kt stulang tu..

Esok dh checkout. Tpi mcm biasalah dorng xpuas lagi  tu nk berendam.. so pagi tu gi sekali lgi.. I n angah gi breakfast ikut yg laen.. pastu siap2 nk gi tgh sedara tunang tu.. and that's when I met my holiday crush. starstruck je. hehe.. actually mula2 tu tiket parking xmau ditelan ngan mesin tu so my dad mintak I gi kaunter kt lobi tu. masa smpai kt lobi tu wlaupun tngan busy ngan phone, mata mmg dh pndang dia dlu dah.. mke dia ada iras2 fahrin ahmad tpi dia lgi comel sbb bdn dia xdelah tegap mcm fahrin tu. pastu I gi kaunter dia kata dh scan dh so dia sruh mamat tu tolong I.. blushing I time tu. tpi I xckp pape lgi. dh msuk kete and dia pun dh tolong. I ckp lah mke dia mcm fahrin ahmad kn masa dlm kete. dorng gelak je. smpai je hotel je blik, I tcari2 dia tpi dia xde. pastu my dad ckp ngan i nnti nk checkout kene call for pickup barang. I ngan selambanya ckp kt my dad kalo request klon fahrin bley x.. haha.. my dad sruh I yg call.. mmg xlah kn.. then my dad xabis2 tease I sruh I ambik gmbr ngan dia.. xmaulah.. but then I ambik sbb my dad lah.. pndai dia kene kn I.. but yeah, it was a sweet memory and I mmg starstruck ngan mamat tu. its okay.. what stay in jb, stay jb.. nnti seminggu dua lpe lah tu.. it just a starstruck.. ahh... haha

this is the guy.. :)

panas giler kt jb.. I rasa kl pun xler panas mcm nie. serious.. I xtgk pun orng tunang. I lepak kt bawah kanopi je.. okay lah sket.. beside.. I bkn nk kata apa.. tpi.. hmm.. okay. 'too many fake smile and fake people everywhere. including me'.. so phm2 jelah ek.. I malas nk cte lebih. karang ada orng sentap. lols. lgi pun I nk terus skip ke jpo. Jpo sale beb.. I byk cuci mata.. berkilat dah.. I mmg xplan nk beli pape pun actually. teman along je sbb dia yg nk beli jam fossil that time. and yeah he did bought it. mmg cantik jam fossil. my dad dh offer dah tpi I nie jual mahal lak. its okay. next time. raya haji nnti trun jb lgi kan?? hehe.. I beli jeans sbb I tnmpk beg plastic voir.. kalo x, xbeli pape kot.. cuci mata je.. but it was a great shopping sbb xde rushing2.. santai je.. tpi pelik wlaupun jpo tu xlah besar mana tpi I still x khantam smua lgi.. ada lgi store2 yg I xgi. yelah smpai je naik atas. atas je yg dh abis round. bwah mmg jarang.. xpe2.. next time. abah kata nnti raya haji insyallah turun.. hehe.. kalo I cuti pnjang lah.. dlu xpelah sbb mmg xmasuk lgi time tu.. xpe.. dimana ada kemahuan disitu jalan.. hehe.. pape pun mmg xrugi lah gi.. sebaik dgr ckp abah.. haha.. lols.. xoxo..