cleaning

I was not procrastinating in writing that last piece of him. But I was finding an inspiration. They said if you love something, you need to let it go. So I was doing spring cleaning to my room. From my bookshelf to my clothes, toiletries, bag and lastly my shoes. You have no idea how many things I have already let go of. Not to mention the things that I did not use yet. I realize now that I am a hoarder and I have lots of things and I should not shop more until I use it all.

Changes are good. I could do with some changes. 

That was not the only thing I rummage into. I started to randomly read my last post. It was so funny. Like how naive I was for writing those. But it brings lots of good memories. The kind of I forget it already but when I read it, I will be like "really, is that really happening?". I kind of forget those posts I write about other boys, others than Joe. 

I was so wild and carefree back then. I am always fearless and curious. How did that change huh? 

I came across a post I wrote about my scandal. Yeah, back then when I was in UKM, they kept pairing me up with this guy who makes everybody think we are together. Little did they know, I was wishing the same thing too. We always texting and talking. We always spend time together with a study group. I remember when we both tired, so he show me a bunch of 'The Voice' videos that he save on his laptop. And I think somehow that is the reason why I started and still am watching it. Even though it doesn't really remind me of him. I just thought about it after I reread one of the posts. I believe we could be something more. But then I think you were not mine to begin with. We had a fun ride. But deep down we both know that this was supposed to be temporary and that you were never mine.

Other than that, I was caught up with the feelings I had for Joe. I know deep down somehow, he gets past that layer. But I can't let it get through it. So I make sure he ends up with his now wife. He is happy and I am happy for him. It was somehow a happy ending for both of us. 

This is the past and now it will be lost in the memory.

The throwback and the comeback

I took some time off to cool down. I took myself off with all these social things for awhile. Sebab tu i tak post pape last month. Sebab tu that break down post of mine was the last for july. The thing is, i thought i be okay. I thought i was already okay. I thought i was happy and move on and okay. But somehow i am not. That missing part was the worst. I hope the next time i feel that kind of miss wouldnt be that strong or worse. 

Now, I still try to keep up and live my life without he's in it. Oh i lupa nak ckp. I rasa lah mcm i lupa. Before before this kan i already block him and delete his number. Slowly deleting the conversation dari zaman matriks lagi. Lama giler kot. Tu tak campur lagi mesej2 dari zaman sklah lagi. Yelah time tu kan tak wujud lagi whatsapp ni. But that was all in my old phones. Reason i simpan fon lama2 i tu was because of this sweet innocent messages that i like to go once in awhile somehow. I know, cheesy kan. Hahaha.. But it was all the whole truth. Wlaupun tak ler slalu on fon tu and baca balik msg2 tu semua. Tapi pernah lah. 

I go back the other day, and somehow it never fail to put a smile on my face. Eventhough lot have change now but still, it was all a very good memory. It make me realize that everything was sweet and lovely that time. We both mmg jarang mesej. Maybe bila something happen or maybe bila rindu kot. Tapi sebab jarang borak ler that makes everything exciting. And of course ber jam2 gak msg. Ingt lagi kredit habis sbb mesej, sanggup redeem point nk dpt 100 free text. I rasa mcm lagi exciting msg ngan joe dri ashraf. Hihihihi.. Sorry. Lols. We flirt like crazy kot that time tapi still i tak pernah ada perasaan ske dri sorng kwn pun. Nak lak masa tu i tgh couple dgn orng tu lah orng ni lah. But ashraf was like the last and serious bf i ever had. I start ada feeling kt joe pun masa tu dh break ngan ashraf masa form 4. Tapi sbb tak nak ruin friendship ni, i pendam jelah. Wlaupun ada masa rasa mcm nk bgitau je. And then to prevent this crush become strong, i pun terima ashraf balik. 

But still, the feeling never goes away. I find myself missing joe and bila fon i bunyi, i was hoping it was joe. Yeah, obviously i cheat kn time tu. I know i was with wrong person that time tpi entahlah. Sampailah i rasa ashraf pun maybe dpt rasa how unhappy i was with him and that maybe we both in wrong relationship now. So we broke up but still i rindu ashraf tpi i tau feeling tu dh tak macam dlu pun. So i start to talk to joe and we were okay. Bagi i dapat borak dgn dia pun dah bahagiakn diri i. Still, i kept my feelings to myself only.

Then masuk matriks, i meet a few guys but somehow he is still on my mind. And wlaupun i tau dia dah move on and have a few gf but still, the feeling was there. And weirdly i tak rasa jealous langsung bila dia cite psl gf dia. I remember bgitau dila yg rasa dia tu mcm, ' do what you want joe, im not gonna be jealous because i know at the end, you were mine'. Pergh, confidence giler. Tpi really, i tak pernah rasa jealous sebab tu i pernh ckp lagu "Teardrop on my guitar' by taylor tu sgt tak sesuai tok i because there were never tear to be drop anywhere. Even though joe with some other girl, we still good. We still talk mcm dlu2. We still could fight and flirt and joke. Everything was really good compare to sekrng lah. And i knew some of his gf sbb dia kenalkn i as kawan baik dia. Terharu giler beb. Hahaha.. 

But somehow after i dapat masuk ukm masa tu sem 2 kot ke sem 3, nothing was the same anymore. Everything is changing. And wlaupun i tau i takde buat salah (that confident level though) but still i rasa mcm i ada buat salah sebab i msg tak jawab, call jgn ckp lah. It was so hard to get hold of him. I rasa adalah gak dlm 6 month dia senyap kn diri. But still i msg dia once in awhile hoping that one of those time, dia balas. Time ni mmg lah i ske dia dah tpi dia tak tau pun. And effort ni semua bukan based on i ske dia ok, more to like he was my best friend. And of course i worry kalo tetbe best friend i senyap mcm ni. If it happen to the girls or fiqah, of course sis gonna act this way. But somehow ada lah gak rasa nk give up nyer. So as usual, i pick his birthday to wish him the best. I dah give up dah time tu tapi time tulah tetbe dia balas. It was like, a sign mcm dont give up on me just yet.

We talked tapi tak lama and something was off. Pastu dia senyap kembali. And i rasa mcm sgt2 down. It was like half of me just die tapi hidup harus diteruskan. So i move on slowy and live my life. Dah kalo orng taknak kawan ngan kita, takkan kita nk paksa kan. But still feeling tu ada tapi tak kuat sgt. And in order to hapus kan terus, i pun berkenalan lah dgn a few guy. Had crush on this one particular guy and somehow lagu enchated always be dedicated to him. Then come to point yg i nk give up, i nk blah tapi i nk bgitau dia yg i ske dia so that i tak rasa regret sbb tak luahkn. So bila i dah luahkn, i can go on. I taknak tau jwpan dia. Kalo dia ckp tak ske i, bgus gak. Lagi boleh move on kan. Ala sakit tu sket je, lama lama okay lah. Mcm tak pernah rasa heartbreak je. Hahaha.. But then he told me he like me too and everything after this is a history.

Well, like you guys tau. Ckp ske but treat me like shit. So what i can conclude is that maybe he did like me but the time is not right. It is too late. Sbb i ske dia masa form 4 and confess masa sem 5. Adalh dlm 5 tahun kot. See, 5 years late. And maybe he said it sebab nk jaga hati i je and now he change his mind and hope i faham and blah. The reason i wrote this pnjang2, it just to remind myself the reason why i need to go on because nothing was the same anymore. Yeah, we had a great memories back then, but everything change now. He's move on and so i need to do the same.

It was not just the old messages i go through. It was also the old post i wrote for him, about him many many years ago. How suddenly we talked about marriage and all. How he talked about jodoh with me. And i have seen lot of change. Lot have gone out of its original track. I guess, if it meant to be, somehow we will find our back. Somehow but not for me, not for this story i wrote. Ours dont have a happy ending. Ours only had a happy memories that i like to go back once in awhile. You were my soulmate, my person somehow and you will always be my best guyfriend. But i guess it all end here somehow.

So yeah i need to be that happy nasuha again. The one that didnt care a thing. The one that wont let anything hold her down. The one that fearless and not really heartless sebab always has an aww moment bila nampak kucing. Hahaha.. So yeah, here's to the throwback and the comeback. Here's to start of something new. 

Oh btw, alhamdulilah. Along dh sah jadi laki orng awal Sept aritu. I pun busy gak that time preparing and tolong apa patut. But everything is done now and i wish and pray everything went well and happy for along and his bride. Tgk orng kahwin, rasa nk kahwin gak but then i remember calon i masih sesat nk cari i or maybe hilang dari radar terus calon i ni. Hahahaha.. And the amount of question psl lepas ni i kinda get old and annoying. But whatever, biasalah pak cik mak cik atok nenek sedara, that was the very common favorite question from them and unpleasant definitely not favorite at all question for someone like me. Hahahaha.. Lols.

Looking back 2015

I did this throwback kind of thing just mcm reflect of things that i did or going through sepnjg tahun tu. Bkn mcm pesbuk ok. Come on lah pesbuk throwback gmbr kot. Sgt menyakitkn hati. I mean i dont need you to remind of all those hurtful things. Of course ada good times but no thank you. Who are you to remind me huh? I am me. I remind myself and im the one who decide that i will go visit to memory land or not. Not you Mark. Definitely not you. And you. And you. But me.

Rasanya tahun ni berlalu dgn cepat. Serious kot. Tup tup tgk dh nk akhir tahun. I didnt remember half of it actually. But i remember that i pernah bagi advice kt kwn i sorng ni. Dia mcm distracted and overthinking. Mulut dia ckp je tak ambik kisah psl apa orng lain ckp but deep down i know he did a lot of thinking and he keep it inside until it built quiet a strong tall wall. I terus terang lh ngan dia apa yg i rasa. And wlaupun dia deny. I've been through this thing every day. You cant fool a pro. Kau fkir mcm mne aku boleh stay happy and positive like all the time? Bcoz it is in my nature? You are wrong. Sbb honestly i think i get used of it. I get used of the pain, the sadness, the heart break and the faking. I get used to everything. And i know i couldnt be save anymore. But i could save him. So i give him advice. And for now i think dia ok je. He ignore the noise and the people he dislike.

Lately ni i byk terjumpa psl confession. Kt twitter, kt blog, u name it.. Kt radio pun mcm ada je. Kt tv jgn ckp lah. I cant stop watching Love Rosie kay.. Tpi betul lh, if u like someone, tell them. Kene reject ke apa ke, tu belakang kira. If h/she didnt feel the same, its ok, move on and have faith. You will meet someone who are better. Or mcm ada this guy bgitau i masa i confess kt dia and he reject me bcoz he is in love with some other girl tpi tu cite lama. Ceq dh move on lama dh. He said, 'one day you will found someone or a person that will take your heart and never throw it away'. Smpai sekrng kot i still ingt. And sadly i didnt found that someone yet. Ok, maybe i did or maybe i dont. Who cares. Tu first confession lah. Yg second one. I bkn takut nk bgitau dia sbb i pernah kene reject. Tpi sbb dia kwn baik i and i fkir kalo i bgitau apa i rasa kt dia, i akan ruin our friendship and this friendship is all i had. I couldnt afford losing him. Bayangkanlh i dgn dia mcm Erik and Pam wlaupun they not really together even as friend. Pastu lagi satu i masih ragu2. But then i bgitau dia apa yg i rasa and tak sangka dia pun ada perasaan yang sama. And the rest is history. And the future is full with mystery. At least i had a gut or a ball to tell him what i felt after all this years, after all the wrong relationship and wrong guy. I told him and i feel relieve. Never do i feel any regret.

I think i change every year. And even though i miss the old me but this was all part of grown up, part of life. And i think i still experiment of who i want to be. Im thankful for the people that stay with me throughout this 2015 and the i cherish every moment and adventure i had. Hoping there will be more next year. Insyallah. :)

 Ok, thats all for now. Lets do the countdown of welcoming 2016, and saying farewell to 2015.

Recall 2014

To  be honest, apa2 goal yg aku set for this year smue nyer tergendala. Rasanya lh. Tpi to be really honest aku xingt lngsung apa2 goal yg aku set tok tahun nie. Mungkin berharap menjadi insan yg lebih baik?? yg lebih kuat hadapi cabaran?? Mungkin..
But i do really know  what i learn from this following year..

People change. They change to someone they say they never were. And somehow you just have to deal with it. To move on. To go on with the flow. And im not just create story or whatever with this. It was in fact the truth. What i realize is those who i thought were my friend, my close family, my allies. Turn out to be the other way around. Yeah, they were an incredibly nice people i knew before. But now, i just dont even know them. Maybe sbb aku ada set high expectation kot kt people. Bila aku buat sesuatu yg baik or ble aku ada sacrifice something, aku harap the other person will do the same with me. Tpi of course lah tidak. Bukan mengungkit ke apa. Just that the way i am. Sbb tu for now aku actually dh mlas nk bwat baik kt orng2 yg mcm ni. Aku tau orng akan ckp, xkisah lh janji dpt pahala. Tpi kalo xikhlas pun xde gne gak kn? So baik buat dek je. Aku still buat baik kt dorng tu cme ala kadar, sekadar nk balas apa2 hutang budi aku kt dorng. But most of the time i was being fake. Even rasanya most of the time aku senyum je. Aku xckp byk. Sbb aku takut kalo byk ckp kang, ada tkluar ayat2 yg dh lama terpendam, yg berbau sarkastik, yg sgt2 menusuk hati. Xpasal kang gaduh ler apa ler. Timbul lh pulak babak2 dri drama melayu tu. TAK PAYAH! Buat xtau je. Wlaupun sakit hati. Wlaupun rasa mcm nk meletup dh. Tpi biarlh kita je tau apa yg kita rasa. Yg xpenting tu xyah sibuk gedik2 nk tau. Gi main jauh2.

Learn to let it go. Dlm byk2 bnde. Bnde pling ssh bgi aku yg nie. Melepaskan. Aku mmg xpndai dlm hal2 nie. As you know. Nancy passed away early September. It was a very heartbreaking moment for us, satu family. Tpi setiap yg hidup pasti pergi. And we had to redha with everything and move on. Aku rasa ada dlm seminggu tiap2 ari aku nangis. Rasa mcm xley nangis pun, aku tetap nangis. Tengok gmbr dia. Tgk video dia. Nie pun dh rasa nangis. Betul2 tersentuh jiwa nie ha. Last aku nangis masa arwah atok aku meninggal. Sbb tu aku xley tgk cte2 yg ada scene orng tersyg mati. Sbb aku confirm sebak nyer. Confirm. And walupun sekrng dh ada pengganti kt umah tu. But i do miss her sometime. Cme dh xnangis sgt lh. But i do, miss her. And then there was joe. He is still alive just that we not so close as we were before. I dont know what happen. Tpi aku dh cbe. Aku dh try pertahankan everything. But still it wasnt the same. The chemistry is just.. so dilute. X concentrated mcm dlu. Kita xgaduh pun cme mungkin masing2 dh laen, masing2 dh ada kehidupan sendiri. And slow2 kau pergi jauh. Sementara aku still menunggu. Tpi last2 aku terima je and move on. Segala yg berlaku smue tu ada hikmah kn?  Tpi satu je yg aku nk kau tau, you are my 1st and probably the last best guyfriend i ever had. And yeah, aku rindu kau. A lot. Most of the time but i think it lessen now which was good i guess. Cuma satu je aku harap, kau xlpe kn aku mcm aku xkn pernah lpekn kau. And kalo satu hari nanti kau tetbe teringat kt aku, msg lah aku. Aku ada je kt sini, menunggu dan terus menunggu.Aku tak pernah putus bharap yg satu hari kita akan kembali keadaan asal. Tpi aku redha dgn semuanya yg tjadi. Aku percaya Allah dh set from the top. Ada hikmah napa kita tak bersama lagi.

But despite with those bad time and knew those awful people, i still had the great one's.

Alhamdulilah, my friendship with the girls are still stand strong. Alhamdulilah. And yeah, aku xpernah putus2 doa yg this frendship last till Jannah. Insyallah. And aku ske balik rumah sbb aku dpt spent time ngan family aku yg comey2 nie ha. Wlaupun tiap2 mlm sabtu kene sleepover umah nenek. But still, the bonding time was all i ever needed and appreciated. Harap2 kte sentiasa stay this way despite all the fighting, argument, disapproval and misunderstanding.Yep, me, the girls n my little family. :)

New friendship. Mcm aku ckp dlu. Aku nie bkn snang sgt nk rapat ngan orng. It takes time.. Nie pun dh masuk tahun 2 baru aku btul2 rapat ngan classmates aku. Yg btul2 bley ngam ngan otak aku. Yg xselfish nk mampus. Yg gila2. So this 2014, yeah, i make a new friendship. Meeting new people. Yg pling aku rapat, yg 3 orng ni lah, wanie, dila and ama. The three of them. Nk gi mana2 gi sama, mkn sama2, gila sama2, smue nk sama2 lah. Bkepit je. T'ingt lak masa sklh2 dlu ngan the girls. Mmg berkepit je smpai cikgu smue dh tau. Even dh label sbg geng sbb asyik berkepit je. Tpi kteorng just mmg rapat mcm tu. Sbb tu syukur sgt2 friendship kterong tahan smpai sekrng wlaupun smue belajar laen2 tmpt n jauh gak lah kot wlaupun still dlm area kl/selangor nie. Jap, nie dh ambik segment yg atas nie. Okay2. Pastu aku kenal sorng mamat sabah nie nama dia Happy. Serious xtipu. Nama dia mmg happy cme yg sedih nama bapak dia bkn gembira. Okay aku dh kira mengutuk nie. Ampuni daku. Dia okay wlaupun nmpk senyap. N sape sangka dia lyn New Girl. Cte fav aku tu. Setakat HIMYM rasanya dh ramai aku jumpa. Tpi new girl. Wow. I impress. Nie sama lh mcm ble aku tau Dila classmate aku tu lyn cte gossip girl. See, i meeting new people. I get to know them, know their interest. And who know ada persamaan lak. Mmg khusyuk ler beborak kn. Sapa kata aku sombong. Haha.. Aku ok jelah. Aku ni awesome, weird n unique tau pas korng kenal. Angkat bakul sendiri nmpk. Haha. :D

Be your own savior Lately nie aku rasa aku slalu spent ngan diri aku. Aku ni kn lone ranger. Forever alone bak kata the girls. I like to be left with my books, my music, my tumbr, my blog, my own though, my own wonderland. Ye nmpk mcm jenis yg blur n kuat berangan. Tpi mmg betul pun. Lols. Sbb kdg2 aku rasa mcm penat dgn manusia. Xspecially sepesis yg jual ikan (selfish), yg kacang lpekn kulit (xkenang budi) n yg tikam belakang (backstabber). Tpi xdelh menyendiri all the time. Tu dh kira depression wlaupun aku mmg ada bipolar. Kdg2 aku depends kt orng laen gak. Cme sekrng limited. For now my circle getting smaller, my trust are got given free to others. The one im comfortable with je like the girls, my parents n adik n my cats. But most of the time, aku rasa comfortable ngan diri aku.Tpi xtau lah, lately nie aku lgi ske simpan smue dlam ati sbb ada certain things aku rasa xrmai akan pham. Nk lak i am really a complicated person. Sekian. But as long as im surrounded with people i love, whom i comfortable with, i will be okay. Like i say, sometime i just want them around, they do need to know what a bad day i've been through, i dont have to tell them how horrible i feel that time. It was like, kau ok? aku ok. kita ok. Simple.

All n all, 2014 wasnt really a good year for me. Seriously. Sbb tahun nie lah aku nmpk true colour sekor2. Yg selama nie aku ingt baik mcm malaikat rupanya selfish nk mampus.  Thun nie gak lah i know who my true friends are n who are my real enemy. So sedikit sebyk, aku bersyukur lah. Better late than never kn.



So semoga segala pengajaran thun 2014 nie menjadikn aku insan yg baik dan berbeza pada thun 2015 dan masa hadapan. Insyallah.

Adios 2014. You make me realize so many things. You change me to someone new. You show me beautiful and awful things. Yet i am grateful with whatever Allah had given me this year. Alhamdulilah.

The Diaries

So i was kemas2 barang and i found a box that full with my diaries. Maigod. I almost forgot psl box nie. Dlu ada gak kemas2 and i almost wanted to throw it away. In other word, bakar lah. Gila. Orng baca kang.. Kantoi je. But then along was like, 'you should keep it'. So yeah i simpan and dh tlupa. And now i found it again.

Serious nk tgelak baca. Almaklumlh dri zaman sklh rendah smpai form 4. I start ada diary nie since darjah 4. And i wonder why i never be a writer. Haha.. Im very good at it. Maybe one day? Tpi tulah yg masa sklh rendah ler lawak. Xpe xmatang lgi. People understand that.

Betul ckp along, i should really keep it. I mean it have lots of memory and thousand of feelings and dark secrets that of course i je yg tau but then lpe. Dh bape tahun dah. Ble baca tu i was like, 'Maigod, i was like that?' or 'i never thought i was acted like a bitch or asshole' or ' i was such an awful person'. Ye mcm2 lgi. Well, i was never good nice girl dlu. Seriously. But of course xramai yg percaya. People change okay. What past is past. And yg pling xbley blah, 'i was into that guy? What was i thinking?' Haha..

And to be honest this year i dh start tulis diary balik actually. You know those time ble i break down and stop update blog i. I was runaway with my diary. It was the only hiding place i feel safe. Second tumblr. But dont worry i x berat sebelah. Once in awhile i akan update.

These diaries not just remind who i was before or how i change after all those years. It was a part of me. And beside i tpkir. Bygkn if i lose my memory mcm cte the vow. And to be clear i rasa i xkn bgitau my future other half psl blog i. It remain secret and i make sure the girls xbgitau. Gila. Dhlh blog i public. Kang dia baca. Kalo buat private nnti, farah tnye lak. So at least with diary. He knows. He just dont know where i hid it. But he would find it of course. Mana je i nk sorok dowh. Im not great in keeping things hidden except my feelings and secrets. Tu insyallah. Okay dah melarat. Haha..

But diaries just not the only thing yg buat i think the old me or those i did in the past. I gi ambik adik i kt sklh and i saw those high school yg nmpk mcm i n the girls dlu. And i was like.. 'didnt realize i was like that?' Huh. But serious. I miss the past, the memories. Tpi mcm tagline toyota, keep moving foward. And so i did.

Btw, i tetbe layan cte the nanny balik. Dlu masa sklh rendah slalu layan cte ngan aisyah. We so obsess ngan cte nie. Lawak dowh. Serious. Gi check kt youtube. Dorng dh upload full episode n season dh. Masa time study week + exam, i dok lyn cte nie. Dont worry. I study gak. Tpi otak dh jam and i need a break, i lyn the nanny. Nk lak i nyer hard disk dh kasi kt adik. Xde ler movie nyer. Youtube jelah peneman. Tulh bajet xnk lyn movie bagai. Tup2 layan gak. Haha.. Tpi serious lah i perasan, my gedikness came from the nanny. Lepas i tgk tu, i terikut2. The way i talk, the way i acted and the hand. Habitual action. Nadia n farah mesti faham. Hehe

 

 

One of the best scene in The Nanny. It keeps me laugh time stress2 exam nie

Okay, ciao,
xoxo

2014 :)

2013 had taught me lots of things. The true enemy. The figuring out urself. The changes. The love. I meet lots of new people along the way. I met my fellow new classmate, azmil, clone joe, faris, mastura.. yeah.. lots. I make lots of memorable moment too which some i already conclude in my previous previous blog.

But to sum it all.. i think 2013 had taught me that 'pain change people'. In this world we never escape from being judge. Ive been judge a lot. There was one time that they judge me so bad i feel like i wanna cry. And to make things worst, joe wasnt around when i need him. I lost all my mood and i just shut everyone out including my family. Like my parents keep on asking whats wrong but i just say nothing when everything was wrong crossing on my face. I think my dad knew but he know that i need some space. So he didnt say a thing. I did cry actually. But it was the very last one. I mean for those mean people. I mean i shouldnt cry bcoz of the shit they say bcoz they are full of shit and they are just like shit. Sorry for swearing too much. And trust me i feel lot better after that cry. I pull myself back and i told myself that i prove them that they were wrong. That i shouldnt give a damn of what they said. Thats why im start the figuring out things. And after a while i realize it was never for them. It was for me. And it feels good. It does. Im happy with myself. Im accepting the changes.

So, 2014 huh? Happy new year btw.

This year im planning to being open. Im done figuring out. I mean i think for now i accept myself. I love myself. Yeah, im not perfect. And i love my imperfection. This is me for a while. And im not changing it. Not even a bit. For now lah. Being open was meant that i open my mind and my heart and my soul eventhought this sentence seem a little bit weird. Nevermind.

Open mind is where i accept what people saying. The -ve and the +ve. And if it was -ve, just let those shit out of my mind. But if it was the +ve, lets keep them in ourself. Open mind is open minded. So, i shouldnt really judge people just bcoz they are different. Different make them unique. And who know they were good hearted eventhought their appearance was like that. I mean, i deal with this before. Look does not define personality. Or maybe someday they change. It just a matter of time.

Open heart is where i open my heart to people. Not all people okay. Certain. Hehe.. I knew the promise i make to joe blah blah blah.. i still hold on it. But if im gonna fall in love with someone along the way, so be it. This time around i wanna keep things low and au natural. I wanna things to go with the flow. Im done planning.And who would ever thought that i meet my other half if joe wasnt the one for me lah. Or i just meet someone. Who knew right.

Open soul. This one is a bit blur.. but for all i know.. i want to learn new things, make mistake and fall in love. explore the world. be good and do good deeds. do lots of crazy things. be fearless. and be myself. I had my anthem songs now.. so i will be okay :)

oh. one thing.. maybe i should stop rely on joe too much. maybe this around i should be independent coz maybe one day he wont be there. for me.

Loving him was red.

Ive been writing these thing a year ago i think. I feel like i wanna keep it. But somehow i need to let it go. And i didnt plan to post it now. It just that i felt something a few days ago. Those old feeling just creep back on me. This is weird i know coz i know i already move on and over you. But seeing u post those word on wechat and the video and picture on instagram makes me miss you so bad that i wish i could turn back the time and be with you again. This is silly i know. Actually it started with those word. Its not that im jealous that you with someone now or later. It just... i dont know.. maybe the hormone thing. Yep, definitely. Okay.. go on..

I know i say the last time was the last time. But i couldnt help it you know. It feel strange and empty when i didnt talk about him anymore. Beside, this has nothing to do with unstable emotion. I just feel like wanna write about him. Yeah, i miss him.. a lot you know... i did wish he was around but i know things just didnt work out between  us even if we try coz we did try but somehow we gave up. But yeah, this was the last time. Insyallah. I hope. I mean, i wont post it until i finish what i wanna write about it. I dont want to have it half way this time around.. So, here we goes..

The old me. She wasnt a very good girl back then. I was so social. Trust me. I flirt like crazy and i change guy like they were cloth. I mean, i couple ngan dorng a few days je and sometime ckp ye tapi cara i mcm xje. I was that bitch. haha.. but then i met you. i dont know why i acted so different around you. I didnt flirt that much. and i gave my number not that fake number. i just acted.. biasa.. even you dpt no i pun lmbt kan..

Then, xlama pastu u text i.. but i xlayan u sgt. i xtau nape. i ley je kn fooling around but i didnt. i xlayan dan harap u get that message. But still you gave me those morning n night text. But i still didnt fall for you. sorry. The main reason i accept you was that.. revenge.. coz i didnt get that guy that i like so i use you to make he feel jealous. to be honest, i planned to leave you after a month or two. u perasan kn i byk buat hal. i mengamuk lah, pick up a fight over the smallest thing, accuse u lah. well, do mostly girl shouldnt do. but you mcm xkisah. it was like u accept my flawless. but at the end, after 2 month which i should leave u as plan but i didnt, coz i finally falling for you. how? i pun xtau. tetbe je, for the first time, i admit to people that i got a bf and i say those 3 words to u. And trust me i never see you that happy. I feel happy.

And you pun ley nmpk, how i change. a lot. i didnt do those mean thing to you. wlaupun yeah i admit sometime mood i mmg xstable and u slalu jadi punching bag i. but you pham. and thats why i love you. a lot of things had change since i met you and thanks for that coz i never thought i could change to a better person. thank you. for making me realize.

you different from anyone that i met. i xpernah sangka i akan in love ngan b-boy. budak yg pkai baju besar2, sluar londeh2, breakdance and graffiti as a hobby. u ada crew lak tu. but i guess tu yg buat i tertarik kat u kot. u different. just like so different. i learn lot of things from u too. yelah, dulu i nie layan lagu mat saleh je. apa barang dgr lagu melayu. haha.. jiwang ley x.. but since you introduce me to indie song, i fall for it. in fact i still dgr. then i minat jugak lah breakdance tu. tgk showdown lagi tu tau. u lah ajar. tapi i still alergic ngan shuffle. tapi kalo adam g. savani buat xpe. i mean it.

im sorry i pernah sakit kn ati u all this time we together. i know i wasnt that understanding good gf to u. u deserve someone better. but i glad i met you. coz somehow i xpernah sangka i akan jumpa orng yg akan ubah i mcm nie, make me feel like this. and dont u worry, i dah lama maafkn u. 0-0 kan? and im glad kita still kawan sekrng eventhough xlah rapat mana. but i was glad that somehow we keep in touch and let the past and feeling behind.

sometime i miss you like crazy and wishing things differently. sometime i shed a tear coz i feel sad seeing things just like burn like that. but when my conscience came, i realize that things happen for a reason. ada hikmah sebaliknya. maybe we just tempat persinggahan je. u not my other half. and i accept that.

it wasnt that easy u know, letting u go and things we had, coz it just so good. but i guess we had enough. tapi xpe. i accept the fact and alhamdulilah, finally moving on even if there are still a post about u. or maybe thinking about starting it all over just so damn hard. why cant i have u only. why cant you be the one for me. but i guess it was fate. we just not meant for each other. 

Ashraf, i would never find a guy like you. Who understand my ups and down. Who know when things wasnt right even if i say everythings fine. Thanks for accept me who i am and thank for always been there. Eventhough things wasnt last but thanks for those amazing 3 years i had with you. You might not be my other half but you are my first love and i always going to remember you. So darling, I pray you the best and may Allah ease u in everything you do in ur life and meet someone that make you happy and smile all over again. Insyallah. :)

and yeah.. loving him was red..

Memorable feelings and experiences

Alhamdulilah. Pejam celik pejam celik. Setahun dah pun berlalu. My year as a student matriks pun dah come to expired date.Gosh, rasa mcm baru semlm je masuk matriks. Kemas barang. Getting to know each other. To be honest im glad i've meet those people in matriks.. My roomate, dila, pei shen and teha. Pei shan, thanks coz always make me laugh with ur crazy attitude and motherly also. Dila, thanks dgr luahan hati i an ddgr i bebel and lyn prangai annoying i. Im gonna miss u the most u know coz we shared lots of things. Those late night story. Those gossiping. Study sama2.. Makan sma2. Mandi sama. choi, separate toilet kay. sebelah2. Tgk movie sama. Im really gonna miss it. Kita nie dah lah always together. Anywhere we go, mostly kita slalu gi sama2. And then, teha, to be honest masa mula2 we dont want the 4th person coz we like so comfortable bertiga. Like 3 musketeers, but of course then u came in. An dit was awkward but then we okay. We pretty close. But then things happen. And we fall apart and i wont tell the rest of the story. Masing2 tau kan. Beside, what past is past. I forgave u and i hope u do too. :)

dila,me,teha,pei shan

me and dila. weird faces :)

Then, my beloved classmate, MS2I. Korng awesome and im gonna miss every single of you. Ingt lagi masa mula2 masuk. We barely know each other and it was awkward. Dah few weeks or a month something like that we like still shy2 lagi. But masuk sem2 everything okay and like close sgt. Nk lak kita dpt drama for koko. And somehow ley nmpk sifat kerjesama tu. Something yg unexpected. Sbb masa sem 1 mmg susah gila nk do together. So, yeah alhamdulilah. Serious rindu kot lepak ngan korng kat class tutor. Or buat drama rhearsal . Or maen basikal time koko pastu gi minum n makan2 sama like one big MS21 family. Thanks for the memory guys. Im gonna miss you. lots and lots. word cant describe it.

time dram Semerah Padi

the girls #MS21

Beloved MS21 :*

Amy.. sdeynya xde hug2 ngan awk last day aritu. Kita nmpk awk tapi kita ingt xpe, nnti karang jumpa. But then, i miss chance. xpe. awk dduk area muar gak. insyallah ada rezeki, jumpa ye. Kita akan rindu lunch ngan awk every friday pastu dlu sem 1 slalu dduk sama n mkn sama. Then, slalu together lah even sem2 wlaupun xsama kuliah dah. syihan, thanks sbb slalu jga tempat kita. thanks gak sbb paksa kita masuk train tu. i had fun. thanks for being my friend here in kmj. insyllah ada mas nnty kita jumpa ye. bukn jauh pun. hehe.. and farah.. thanks sbb slalu tman kita balik. yelah blok f sama2 kan. rindu beli gedegang ngan awk lepas abis ape2 program. Rindu2! MJ GROUP! Mak jah, adik, nad n farah.. rindu buat bi sam2.. mostly byk sama lah sbb malas nk tukar group, ikut group bi sudah kan,,xyah pening kepala. thanks korng sbb sudi jadi kwn i.. im gonna miss you guys coz you guys make my life and time there worth while.. im gonna miss it,

with farah

with amy

amy,me,syihan

MJ group! Whaddup?!

Seriously im gonna miss every bits or pieces of memory being in KMJ. Ingt lagi mula2 masuk. I hate vrything in here. Well, almost everything. But thn i learn to love it and i met new people and they just awesome. Im glad i met them coz somehow they rock my world. Hard. Haha.. and im gonna miss them so much. In fact i already did. Haha.. i cant go back to those. but i can bring the feeling back everything i see those photo. happy photo. good memories. well, every photo had their own story dont they?...

first day masuk

miss my room

classmate. jamuan akhir

with amal.. mcm skandal i dah. haha..

gila2 ngan mai time sleepover study week aritu

 

last day.. rindu camwhore ngan dila

kay bye.. :)

25th

This post that i wrote was sensitive and sad. I should let it go but i feel the needed to write it. It was the same thing that i use to publish in my blog but time heal so i stop wrote it. But today, i feel i have to write it. So, if you dont want to read it, stop, closed it, or return back, or scroll till it go to the post before this..

I guess 25th seems like a curse to me. Curse i thought that no longer tied to me since i move on. I know that. But today, i just  miss everything.. I guess fate lead me to this...

I open my myspace coz i need to find what muiz been sent to me a few month ago but i found something else.. The title its simple, 'hey sayang'. It caught my eyes and i open it. I read it.. I wanna cry coz it was beautiful. That moment. And i just wish i was there again when he called me sayang, when he call me honey, and when he ask me to be crazy about him and to be thinking about him.

And i cant stop. It feel addicted. It feel like drug that i no longer addict to but now im searching it. And i found it.. But this time, i feel cruel. Its all because of my mistake. If its not because of it, i might have him now. At least. To be honest, the mistake i regret so much starting from there. I wish i could turn back the time or at least warn myself on the past to not do this mistake in the future coz you regret it. So hard.

Now, im bubbling to dila.. about who i am back then. about ashraf. about those conversation. and i still cant stop it. Im addicted to it.. the conservation we use to have. those sweet name you use to call me. and i wish i didnt done what i did back then.. i m sorry for everything ashraf. if i could take it all back, i would. i really would..

i know its the past.. i know i said i move on.. but not today.. just not today..

3 years ago... well, almost..

Hai... Baru lepas abis tgk cte ombak rindu with my mummy and grandmother. I admit cte tu sedih. aku tgk rmai yg nangis. Aku x okay... Cte tu mmg sedih tapi bgi aku, sedih di hati je lah, xsmpai kt mata lgi. Sbb tu aku xnangis... Aku teringt something ble watak lisa tu ckp yg die dari kecil lgi ingt/becita2 nak kawin ngan watak aaron aziz tu. Aku pun teringat lah something.. jeng jeng jeng...

3 years ago, i met a very nice guy. Kteorng kenal kt myspace. Yelah, zaman tu zaman myspace. fhm2 jelah. Tapi die ala2 cinta muka buku lah, cme die cinta ruang ku. Get it? Ruang ku aka my space?? hehe.. xde keje.. He was so nice and sgt understanding pasal nape aku xkasi nombor aku kt die. Mase aku approve die or mase aku borak2 ngan die, aku xrse mcm dlm lgu cinta muka buku tu. Aku nie mcm heartless skte lah. And time tu, serious aku ckp yg aku x expect pun die akan jdi a very important person in my life. Mcm aku ckp, aku heartless. Die ade or xde, perasaan aku tetap sme. Walaupun im a big flirt. Haha.. Seriously. Tapi at least, lepas a month kwn, i gave him my number and it lead to unexpectant life. Seriously.

3 years ago, he become more than friends with me. He was my boyfriend now. Eventhought he was my second prize or choice, i try to like him. He was so sweet. He wish me gudnite and morning. No one ever did that to me actually. I wasnt a good gf though. I keep hurting him and blaming him. I did that so he will leave me. He is too nice for me. But somehow, seeing him so patient with attitude make me realize something. Hurting him make feel something. And one fine day, i say those 3 words without passionate and he was so happy. So happy that i know if i did something wrong after this, he will getting hurt and i will feel the acne also. So, i learn to accept him in my life. I learn to love him, to trust and to be loyal. I learn lots of things from him. And i wear hijjab finally. Haha.. But most of all, he make me feel wonderful.. seriously..

3 years ago, i thought i found my prince charming. I thought he is the one. I finally found my happy ending. And it seems like it complete my fairytale. He fill my day with his word almost everyday. I feel like i own the world. I stop flirt and lay my eyes on other guy cause now i got him. I dont know what my life will be without him. Seriously.

3 years ago, he left me all alone. Without any explanation. Without giving me chances to say about how i feel. I saw the difference about him. i feel like he is not himself. He's someone else. What hurt the most is that he cheated on me and then choose her. He throw me away from his life even he said he wants to be friend. I feel like i lost almost everything. I feel like my world is dark. I cant do anything. I try to stop him but he still go. I wait for his text almost everyday but he never come back. And i did imagine things as if he would come back one day. He said forever and always. He cant just forget about his promise. And i cry almost every day. Seriously...

After 3 years ago, i finally moving on. I admit sometime i do feel like missing him and love him but the feeling is not the same like before and beside, he was my first love. It is normal to feel that way somehow. We still remain as friend now. I never thought i could befriend him, i mean, after all the feeling of 'i cant move on', i thought i could never see him with  someone else as it hurt so much. Tapi alhamdulilah coz aku berjaya! Aku bejaya teruskan hidup dan buka buku baru. Plus, forgive him and forget the past. Aku berjaya jdi kawan die. Tu yg pling penting! Dulu, pantang nmpak die ade ske pompuan laen or dh ade gf, aku dh mle lyn lu jiwang2 sedih tapi sekarang, aku gembira tok die. Aku stilll ngan perangai lme iaitu stalk die cme sekrng niat die dh laen, i just want to know how his life seems. Alhamdulilah, everything is okay. insyallah, one day die akan jumpa girl yg akan complete tulang rusuk kiri die dan aku akan jumpa guy yg akan aku complete tulang rusuk kiri die. I think this is the prefect ending. The happy one and its not like fairy tale at all. It's nasuha's tale somehow.. hehe.. seriously.. :)


So, lesson learn die.. Kdg2 kte xdpt ape yg kte nak dlam dunia nie. Tapi jgn putus asa dan teruskan berdoa pada Allah S.W.T. Insyallah, Allah Maha Mengetahui. Die dh tentukan jalan yg terbaik untuk kte. :)

My life would suck without you

Ok... Since that day, rase ssh sgt nk lpe kn die. Mcm die dh take over balik otak aku. Aku patut fikir the other person! Seriously! But no... Aigoo...

Aku dh xley fikir the other person lgi dh. Otak aku asyik penuh dgn ashraf je. Aku cbe kot buang perasan nie. But, the more i do it, the more i feel missing him. And caye or tidak, aku berharap die akan text aku lgi. What the heck! Nie mmg thap bahaya nie. Aku patut fikir the other person! Wajib! Ish! Asal ssh sgt nie! Baru je story morry ngan my twin psl ashraf. non-stop! Die dh bwat mke dah. I didnt mean it. Blame him or my heart! Nie lah yg paling aku xske, he become himself. Yeah, mmg bgus pun tapi.... bkn ashraf. When he become the old him, i will definitely fall for him again.. Something that i wan to avoid so bad. Setahun kot aku berjaya lpe kn die sket. And now, THIS?! For real? I hope it is not too late. But i starting to inaging things with him and thought about him a lot...

Btw, tetbe kn aku tingt video 'My Life Would Suck Without You' by Kelly Clarkson. Perasan x, dlm video tu show yg no matter what happen they always come back together. Well, die xlah mcm story aku n ashraf. I mean, its not like we meant to be together. Right? Tapi kn.... aku perasan nie...

Everytime he ran away and leave me. I always run and try to catch him back. But when i already got him and hold his hand, i would suddenly let his hand go slowly. But somehow he always pull me back and wont let me fall.

Get it? Well, thats what i view jelah. Tapi enthlah.. But he always remain in my heart and mind somehow. Thats for sure..

My life would suck without you? Hmm.. enth..

You make me crazier, crazier, crazier lah ashraf... ;))

Things that you did

Tdi aku ade kursus kelas memandu. Well, die sme mcm ceramah2 yg laen. Kalo best,xlah ngatok, kalo xbest best, mmg dh smpai lah. Kelas memandu nie wajib for people yg nk ambik lesen memandu kete n motor. Die mcm basic learning lah. It was okaylah.. Next week exam lak. Huhu..

Well, this entry was not entirely about driving class actually. Well, since die cmpur kete an dmotor tu, die ade lah kasi example... and suddenly aku terfikir or berangan psl ashraf.

Yelah, mse naek motor ngan die aritu, selain dri pkai kn aku helmet, die sgt protective. Die akan tnye aku ok x kalo die bawak laju. And ble die nk jlan je mse lampu merah, die akn tnye aku dlu. Kalo aku kata let go, die akan jlan. Kalo x, xlah..

Gosh, i miss those thing. Really2 desperate wanted a time machine! ;(

I'll do for you

Remember when people said, 'love is blind'? Somehow i agree with it. When we fell in love with someone, we would do anything for them and follow everything they ask even sometime we find it quite nonsense and childish but we keep follow it. And somehow i was one of those people.

I remember when i was with ashraf. He ask me to wearing hijjab. My parents also ask the same thing. At first i was of course ignoring it cause hey, it was myself. So, it was me who will decided it. But after awhile, i do it. I do it because of him. Quite stupid kn? Cause i shouldn't do it for him but for Allah. I knew i was wrong. But alhamdulilah, after we broke up, i still wear it eventhought he was not on my side anymore. And now i wear it for Allah.

I remember when i was with ashraf, i try to change my attitude. I try to learn to be patience and more understanding and not hot-tempered eventhought it felt so hard but still, i try for him. That is why i feel like i was fakers and a liar cause pretending in front of him. After we broke up, i realize that he didn't give me nothing good about myself and that he tried to change me to someone i don't even know. So, it was somehow a relief when he's gone.

I remember when i was sign up for matrikulasi, my dad ask me to choose pahang. I didn't realize it until i keep imaging when i was there. That's when i realize that pahang was his hometown and maybe there is possibility we will meet again. Why this one in list? Cause i've done nothing to change it. And i do it for him in order to meet him again one day... someday...

So, the lesson learn is that we shouldn't follow what our love ones want even if it was bad or good. Try to be yourself and follow your heart. And try to be independent and don't try to lean on him/her. Cause more likely he/she wouldn't be there..

Breakdance and graffiti

Suddenly my brother talks about ashraf to me. It started with showdown street-feast. Huh! Nie smue gara2 fly fm and 8tv lh nie promote showdown tuh. Haha.. But seriously, tetbe je adik ckp kt aku, 'adik sebenarnya nk blajar breakdance and graffiti dgn ashraf lah.' And seriously i was speechless. Aku xtau nk ckp ape. Mcm xsangka pn ade. Coz mase aku couple ngan ashraf for 2nd time, adik aku mcm xkisah je. Die ley bwat derk je! Tpi tetbe this time, die ckp mcm tu. So, aku ckp jelh,'adik contact lh die. adik kn ade fb die..' And he was like xnk. Aku pun xtau npe.

Serious aku xhalang kot. Dlu mase aku couple ngan ashraf pun, dorng mmg kwn. I mean, yelh, adik aku kn bakal adik ipar die mestilah die baik2 kn. cewah! Ashraf slalu borak ngan adik aku mase aku kt sklh or blik lmbt. Die kata die bosan. Aku blik lmbt sgt. Haha.. I miss the old time. So, xknlh aku nk break friendship dorng kot. yeah, i might screw but that doesnt mean i have to screw them also right? Hmm... Xpelh, mne tahu lpas nie bf akak mcm ashraf ke, adik. You might get a chance to study those stuff with him.

Aku pun xtau mcm mne aku ley couple ngan orng mcm ashraf. I mean, yelh, b-boys kot. Mcm laen dri yg laen. But i already did. Mse tu mmg try jelh kn. But he was nice. I MEAN IT when i said it. This year aku xlyn pun showdown. Wel, its not just about the SPM exam but it also coz i hate to see things he love, we love. And i know somehow he was there at that showdown street-feast tpi entahlh. Btw, aritu aku bru realize rupa2nya aku still ade no. ashraf kot kt phone lme aku. Enth mcm mne tah aku ley xperasan. Setahu aku, aku dh delete smuenya dah including the sms. So, i just kept the number. Aku nk contact die balik sebenarnya tpi entah. Something hold me back. Xtau npe. I want but i cant. Hmm.. And lately, aku byk think about ashraf. Maybe psl adik gi ckp psl bnde tu kot. And aku dh baik ngan muiz. In mean, i stayed friends with him back. Aku xlah putus kwn aku ngan die just aku ignore die je. Tpi everytime aku abis borak nagn die, i just wish ashraf was here.

I miss you ashraf... ;(

Cinta Muka Buku

Yeah, you might called me ketinggalan zaman or whatever but i just knew her. Najwa Latif. Right after aku balik dri tempat basuh kereta (serious abg2 kt sne hot2 tpi perangai phm2 jelhkn). Anyway, that's not the point. Ble dgr lagu die yg Cinta Muka Buku tu, serious best kot. Suara die pn unik. Cinta muka buku... hehe.. Tetbe teringat lak cinta myspace aku (ewah!).. Haha.. Yeah, i maybe never fall in love from facebook but myspace, i had. Yelh, dlukn zaman2 myspace. Facebook nie sape je yg tau kot time tu. Aku ade account pn, xbukak sgt. myspace je. Actually, from myspace lh, i knew Ashraf. Ble ingt blik, mcm nk tergelak je. Hehe.. Aku knl ashraf mse aku akhir f1 or awal f2. Dh xingt sgt kot. But around that timelh. And time tu nk dkt raya. Maybe sbb tu nk dkt raya nie, aku mcm teringt2 skit kt die kot. Tpi thun lpas ok je. Aish! Pelik2. Anyway, yeah, mayspace lh tmpt kteorng knl. Kalo xde myspace, maybe we never met, kn ashraf.. I miss the old time, and i miss us.. so much.... ;))

Mimpi, rindu ke?

A few days ago, farah tnye aku. Kalo kte mimpi orng tu, kte rindu die ke? or die rindu kita. And i say, i didnt have answer for that. I mean seriously, it could be both. N sometime mimpi tu kn permainan tido. So, its really hard to explain actually.
So, aku pn bgitau lh die. maybe die rindu kte n kte pn rindu die. either way. n nape die thye kn. So, she told me she dreamed bout his ex. So, i assume maybe they both miss each other. And tetbe aku teringat lak kt mimpi aku....

Aku rindu kt ashraf these day. Tetbe je. Xtau npe. Aku cubalh kn xnk ingt n rindu kt die. Tpi everything i did just remains me about him. So, last2 aku just go on jelh. ngaku jelh aku rindu kt die. Aku start lyn lgu yg.. pergh! jiwang gle dowh! Tpi lantaklh. mmg tgh lyn jiwa2 nie lgi pn kn. N the memories start flash back and i start wondering if this, if that. Hmm.. tpi the truth is i cant change the past. No one can did. Taylor Swift pn xley even die nk so bad. Well, thats what she say on 'back to december' song. Tpi yg pelik nyer kn, aku xmimpi ashraf pn even aku rindu die gle2 ah. Instead aku mimpi psl JOE. Ok, Joe? Seriously? Haha.. Xley blah je. Die rindu aku ke? Yelh, kteorng pn lme xmsg kot. Last msg pn awal puasa hari tu je. Nie dh nk dkt abis dh nie. Ke aku yg rindu die? Xmungkinlh. Ke aku KELIRU???? Jeng..Jeng... Jeng... ;))

Then, adalah, a few days ago, aku mimpi arwah atuk. Yeah, aku ngaku yg aku mmg rindu kt die pn. It felts weird this ramadhan n syawal akn dtg, die just xde mcm selalu. Hmm.. i have to stop. It feels hard. ~AL-FATIHAH~

Is it the end?

Tpi nad call aku.. Well, actually nk bincang psl hal nk hangout nnti.. Tpi ttbe aku dgr suara die laen mcm tau.. Aku pn tnyelh npe n just spill it out lh.. Then, die tetbe cry.. I mmg dh worry lh.. Yelh, Dhira yg aku knl slalu cool je.. Mcm aku ah.. Tpi die lgi ganas.. Haha.. Ok2.. Serious.. Rpe2nya die dh break.. Gle ah.. Selama nie nad mmg dh slalu sbut yg dorng break tpi xlme pn selang bape jam dh couple blik. N selama nie aku n kwn2 aku pn mcm xkisah je. Tpi this time, i could feel that its different. Aku dpt rsekn yg kali nie its for real.. N kalo dorng couple blik pn maybe a few month or year later tpi spmehow, aku xrse pn mcm 2. Aku rse mcm like its really are the end.. Xtaulh.. Aku bkn nujum pak belalang.. Cme tu yg ati aku rse.. But we never noe right.. Aku mmg sedih ah tgk Dhira mcm 2 n ttbe aku tingt ape yg jdi kt aku sethun yg lalu, mse break ngan ashraf..


Mse tu dh nk msuk 8buln kteorng together. ashraf pn dh msuk kolej n die mmg bz gle. Part of me nk percaya yg die realy2 are bz tpi part of me xnk caye.. Yelh, bygkn keorng xmsg almost seminngu kot.Lpas tu nk msuk 8buln tu, aku mmg confirm yg kteorng xsmbut together mcm slalu. Kteorng always celebrate every 1month kteorng together. Mle2 aku mmg xbiasa. 1st time kot. Ashraf nyer idea ah nie. Tpi lme2, biasa ah. Xsmbut rse mcm pelik je.. Sbb tu ah aku slalu ingt tarikh kteorng couple. Ala, lgipn tarikh tu mmg special gle dlm idup aku. Aku pn xperasan mle2. Tpi dh bape minggu tu bru aku perasan. The date i said YES was equal to the sum of my BOD with ashraf. Mmg xdisngka2 ah.. Haha.. Ok2, blik2.. Aku mmg dpt rse something is wrong psl yelh die pn xlyn aku, xmsg aku tpi tulh.. Aku tutup mata aku so that aku perasan.. Bnde yg aku ble perasan mse couple ngan ex2 aku dlu, aku ley lak xperasan ble ngan ashraf.. Tinggi tol ilmu mamat nie.. Tpi aku silap.. Coz one day b4 kteorng smbut 8month tu, Ash msg aku. N yeah, we talk a lot. The esknya kteorng smbut together. Seriously, he make me feel very special that day. He make me believe that he wont leave me like ever. He convince me that he want us to last forever. Sumph, aku ltak 200% trust kt die mcm yg die mintak. Wlau ati aku rse laen mcm sket tpi aku tepis tu smue sbb aku percaya die. N that whats my mistake. TRUST.. Lpas ari 2 kterong stop msg. N aku wait ari jummat psl die ckp die akan msg i ari 2 no matter what. But he didnt. So, aku tnggu esknya. Yeah, die msg aku. Tpi dgn niat laen. Die mintak break sblum sempat aku lpaskn rindu yg dh makin melarat aku pedamkn.. Mmg aku rse sakit sgt mse tu. Aku rse mcm aku dh terkurung dlm satu bilik yg kecil n gelap. Yeah, aku nangis.. Pling teruk sekali. Setiap ari aku nangis wlau rse mcm air mata nie dh xnk kluar lg dh, aku tetap nangis. N yeah, it hurt.. a lot.. so bad.. Aku beg die not to go. But die tetap nk gi. Die halau aku, die ckp die dh xsyg aku lgi. Tuhan je tau betapa sakitnya rse die. N yeah, aku alami serius break dowh. Aku xde mood nk bwat pape, aku moody. But then, as u noe, kwn2 aku bwat wake up call, joe pn sme.. Aku bersyukur sgt coz wlaupn ashraf tinggalkn aku tpi kwn2 aku ade n aku tau dorng xkn tinggalkn aku. N mmg lpas tu, aku dpt tau ashraf dh ade penganti aku lpas bape ari kteorng break. Hell, perkara lpas. Xperlu dikenang tpi tulh yg aku kenang. N perkara tu mmg jdi kenangan pling pahit sekali dlm idup aku. Hempedu pn kalah pahitnya kot. haha..

N as for nad, cte die akan2 sme je mcm aku. Cme ashraf xse cruel pakwe die lh coz wlaupn ashraf hlau aku n say those word kt aku, tpi pakwe nad lgi ganas ah ayat2 die. Kalo aku jdi nad, aku bkn setakat rse sakit je tpi dh nazak dh pn. But i noe nad love him so much n dorng pn dh nk msuk 2tahun. They already get use of it. Tpi aku ade tpkir due bnde je npe dorng break. 1) Maybe btul ape yg laki tu ckp, die mmg dh xsyg lagi nad tpi 2) He just have to do it bcoz why, i dont noe. but he just have to. n he said all thos mean words to nad coz he just want her to hate him n so that he wont feel like kesian kt nad n dtg blik mcm slalu. Enthlh, 2 yg aku tpikir ttbe lh. Yelh, dorng like byk gle dugaan. Bru couple, blum lgi kahwin. But they strong. Just maybe, this time, one of them just had to gave up n sacrifice.

So is this the end?? Aku sendiri xdpt nk pastikn. Ati aku kata mcm tu. So, aku hrp n doa2 kn nad be strong. Esk aku nk tgk die lh.. Risau tau. She's one of my coolest bestfriend. Die slau protect kwn2 die, protect aku. So, its time for me to do to her pulak.. Tpi satu yg aku pasti.. Between me n ashraf, it is the end.. Aku tau die xkn dtg blik dlm idup aku. Wlaubgaimana ku bhrp pn, he just not going to come back. Coz tu yg die ckp the last time we were together, when i ask him, 'npe u dtg blik?npe u xpegi je??' n die jwb, 'kalo die gi, die gi selamanya, xkn kembali'. So there, he just wont come back.. Not this time, not right now.. But one day, maybe someday...

Teringat!! hehe.... =p

Ok2.. bnde nie agak funny n xley balh lngsung.. yelh, mcm mne aku ley ingt kt due mamat yg aku t'jumpa kt shopping mall nie kn?? kn?? xprnh2 pn.. Selama nie kalo aku usha pn, ari2 je ingt, lme2 dh lpe. Nie due orng nie aku masih ingt smpai sekrng. Mule blur sketlh. Tpi ley lh gak. Ok2... Meh sni aku cte psl 2 orng mamat nie yg muncul dlm idup aku tok bape minit tapi singgah dlm otak aku sekali sekala..

The 1st guy..

Aku jumpe die kt jj. Mse 2 aku tgh kluar ngan twin aku. Aku nk cri baju untuk jamuan nnti. hehe.. Ala, bkn nk fancy sgt tpi saje. Nk nmpk comel xslh kn?? hehe.. Anyway, tgh sibuk jln2, tetbe tserempak ngan this guy ngan kwn die. Die senyum2 pndng kteorng. Ok fine. Aku pn mcm 2. Then, aku ingt aku jumpe die mase 2 jelh. Tpi dh nama pn jj mestilh akn jumpe die smpai die or aku blah. Yelh, pusing sana, pusing sini. Ala, korng2 paham2 jelh. Aku gelar die, 'guy with green shirt n a vest' n die mmg bwat aku angau.. haha.. aku lukis gmbr baju die tpi muka.. em, tngan aku mcm kayu ble bab2 mcm 2. hehe.. aku pn xtau mcm mne die ley lekat dlm memori aku tpi aku bhrp sgt satu hari aku akn jumpe die. yeah, one day.. n please pkai bju 2 ye n hairstyle still remain k.. demanding tol mak cik nie. hehe..

he wear this when i met him.. haha.. can't believe i draw it.. maybe that's the reason why i can't get him out of my head??

The 2nd guy..

Ok, ingt x yg baju aku nk beli tok jamuan 2? nie kesinambungan die. Well, last2 mak aku beli baju 4 jamuan tok aku. Well, mom know the best! haha.. K, nie dh lpas bape minggu jamuan 2 n dh selang bape buln lpas aku terserempak ngan bdk bju hijau 2.. Aku gi The Curve n family n aunty aku. Pastu aunty aku ajak teman die gi bank jap. Nk kluar duit. Die nk blanja. Hehe.. So, tgh aku melyn diri psl bosan sgt dduk dlm bank 2, tetbe aku rse mcm nk pusing blakang. Then, poof!! Aku maen mata ngan sorng mamat nie. Bkn maen mata ape. Cme.. bju kteorng sme! Well, xlh sme sgt. Die nye kemeja n aku nyer blous tpi sumph pattern n colour sme gle! Hu! Colour mke aku. Die pndang aku, aku pndang mke die. Pastu pndng baju sendiri. Haha.. Mmg lucu habis.. Aku trus toleh ke dpn n gi kt mak cik aku. Pergh! Malu gle beb! Ble aku kluar dri band, die ade lgi, aku cte n tnjuk kt aunty aku. Anty aku ley ckp 'enth2 ade jodoh kot.' haha.. hrp2.. tpi that guy ley tahan lh gak. Tpi xckup ngan tu, terserempak agi. Aduh! Die pndng slack je. Ape pndng2?? Hu! Aku cte lak kt mak aku. Mak aku lgi best. Die ckp, 'eh,xkn die beli baju kt tmpt pompuan kot'. Yelh, aku beli kt tmpt pompuan, dolly outlet. Xtau lh kalo die beli kat dollah outlet lak. haha.. Tpi sumph xley blah kot...

My shirt which kinda look alike him.. hmm.. still xpuas hati... hehe.. ;D

N enth nape... ble ingt dorng nie, aku mesti t'senyum sorng2. maybe lucu but yet sweet. kdg2 kte xsangka ley jumpe orng2 mcm 2 kn. n bnde nie smue happen thun lpas, lpas abis pmr n aku pn dh break ngan ash time 2. ape lgi, isi kekosongan masa dn hati kut.. haha... t'ingt2...

The Memories

Arinie, xblaja sgt. And xtau nape aku n Rara ley touching2 lak time2 mcm nie. Bkk kisah lme. Psl our love life. Rara nyer aku xnk cte ah. Biarlh die cte2 sendiri. Xkn aku nk jaga tepi kain orng kot kn. So, biarlh. 2 die nyer story.. And this is my story. haha.. mcm kt astro tu lah pulak...

Anyway..
Kte bmula dari cinta monyet aku mase sklh rendah, Sharif...
Kteorng mule2 kwn ah. Sme kelas mse drjh 4. Time 2 aku ske kwn ngan die pasl die nie mmg lawak gle ah. Tpi mse drjh 5, aku xtau mcm mne aku ske kt die. Agak pelik ah. Aku pn xingt sgt sebrnrnya. Mse drjh 5, kteorng laen kelas, tpi xjauh pn jarak kteorng nyer kelas. Seblh2 je kot. So, kteorng slalu blas2 surat. Haha.. Xley blah. Aku xtau lh keorng nie couple ke ape pasl mse 2 kecil lgi ke. Xpaham sgt pn. Kteorng nyer kelas mmg rapat gle coz yelh kterong tiap2 tahun tkr kelas yg sme2. Sme ade kelas no. 1 or 2. So, mmg dh rapat, mmg dh knl. Rehat pn sme2. Satu meja pnjng 2 cukup tok kteorng 2 kelas. Ganas x?? And dorng xabis2 ckp yg kterong nie parents dorng. Pergh, gle ah. Rmainya ank2 aku. Haha.. Xley blah je time tu. Tpi lpas 4 buln lbh, hubungan aku ngan die dh xmcm dlu. ANd lpas tu putus. Aku rse the 1st heartbreak. Sedih gle ah time tu. Mse drjh 6, mmg aku ssh nk lpe kn die, dhlh die sme sklh ngan aku. Ssh nk elak. But then again, i manage to get over it but i'm change i guess..

Lpas2 first love aku, ay...
Aku start ske die mse drjh 6. Agak pelik ah. Pasal aku xrapat ngan die lngsung kot! Xtau pn die wujud. Tpi rmai yg tau aku ske die. Die ske aku?? Tu xbpe nk sure lh. Ade yg ckpade. Tpi enthlh. Aku xtau mcm mne aku ley ske die. Psl bnde nie sgt pelik. Pelik gle. Then, rupa2nya die 2 jiran aku. Gle ah. Bru tau sebrnrbnya.. Kesian dowh aku nie. DDuk bwah batu ngan patrick rupanya. Kteorng kwn2 lh dlu. Pastu F1 aku ingt dh xjumpe die lgi. Tpi rupanya die sme sklh ngan aku. Penipu nyer bdk! Ye ye O je ckp msuk sklh ceruk mne tah. Yg aku, ade hikmah rupanya aku xmsuk asrama. So, kteorng kwn. Mmg byk ah memori kteorng. Psl rumah dkt kn, sklh men. pn dkt. Kteorng slalu pegi n blik sklh sme2. Dating dpn umah n kt playground. Haha.. xley blah je. Pastu ade satu hari 2 hujan, kteorng blik smbil b'payung. Haha.. mse tu mmg sweet gle ah. Tpi xcouple lgi ye, affair je. Mse F2 bru aku couple ngan die. Tpi xlast long pn. 4ari je. Wlaupn kejap tpi nk dibandingkan memori kteorng yg dlu2, it felt so long. Nape kteorng break? Well, awkward. N lgipn he such a playboy, seriously not worthy. Tpi 2lh, die ttp jdi 1st love aku wlaupn sekrng nie aku lbh syg kn orng laen..

Then, muncul nadzmi dlm idup aku...
Die nie sebrnrnya kwn aku. Aku ske die pn psl die baik sgt sweet. Mase aku gduh ngan Mir. AKu tgh couple die. Mase nie F2. Xbyk pn bde sweet jdi pasl laen sklh n dating mase blik pn, die mcm malu2. Tpi yg pling xley blah, mse tgk wayang sme2. Enth mcm mne aku bley tpegang tngan die, tkejut kot time 2. Nk pulak 2, aku kne ddk seblh die. Pasal yg laen smue ade date. Pastu aku nk lpas, die lak pegang xnk let go. So biarlh. Haha.. mmg xley blh.. Kterong than 2bulan je psl i know this is new for him. Die mmg xprnh couple pn. Sumph! Die kn bdk baik.. So, kiranya aku nie yg 1st ah. Tpi pape pn aku xprnh mrh die n kteorng still kwn smpai sekrng. Aku pn prnh keluar ngan die sekali. Gi open house umah kwn aku, Diyana. Yg bestnya, nadzmi pick up aku kt umah 2. N dorng lak mcm2 tau2 je history kteorng. Tpi tu sme mse F2 N F3. He change now. Change yg mcm mne?? Enthlh. Xtau nk describe. Tpi yg pasti not a very good attiude ah..


Pastu, my secret admire... Syamim..
Aku mcm xcye je die ske aku kot. Yelh, tegur pn xprh. Ckp pn xprnh. Tup2 dpt tau die ske aku. Die nie kwn Mir. So, mmg xdisangka2 ah. farah lak gi kasi no. aku kt die. Memadai je minah nie tau. Kteorng xprnh couple psl xsempat. Ble aku dh mle nk terima die, die ley bwat hal lak. Die mcm maen kn perasaan aku lak. Tu yg aku fed up 2. Aku trus xlyn die lgi sejak tu. Xlme lps tu, die contact aku blik and nk couple ngan aku. And aku mintak die kasi aku masa. Tpi at the end n smpai sekrng aku xprnh2 couple ngan die. Die pn sekrng dh ade gf and i know he look hepy but still he never change. Still antr flirty msg kt aku n still mcm stalker coz asyik pndng je aku. Menyeramkn tpi mcm biasa, aku bwat dek je! Ada aku kisah???


Then, my match-maker... Hakim...
Nie farah n bf die punyer je ah.. Nk satu kn aku ngan die. Aku pn xphm nape. Aku ngan akim 2 knl pn pasl sklh agama sme mse dlu. Xpsl2.. Dripda xnk2, jdi nk gak. Tpi masalhnyer die xske aku. Die ske orng laen. Aku knl girl 2 sape. Heartbreak gle ah. Tpi xpelh, bnde nie pn jdi sethun yg lpas. AKu dh maaf kn dorng 2. N dorng pn dh jdi history. Aku n hakim, xdelh mcm kwn sgt sekrng nie. Awkward! Tpi still lh tgur tpi biasa2 je ah. But biarlh mcm nie. It's better than nothing, righ??

Lasty, my one and only love[i hope].. ashraf...
Nk ikut kn aku terima die pn pasl tpaksa. Lpas Hakim reject aku, aku reject syamim yg tgh tnggu aku 2. Pastu bape ari kemudian, aku terima ashraf dlm idup aku. Die pn dh lme sebrnrya tnguu aku. The reason aku xlyn die pasal aku bkn knl die pn. A total stranger! And tgk gaya pn dh trang2 bk type aku dowh. A hip hopper. Laen sungguh dri senarai2 ex aku n idaman aku. Tpi 2lh.. Lme2 kte learn how to love.. Mase mule2 couple, aku asyik ckp yg aku nk break ngan die je. Penat twin aku nasihat. Dh penat ngan ayat 2, aku asyik ckp yg die akn mintak break kt aku lak. N aku pn byk bwat hal lh. Tpi die xprnh pn tinggal aku, n aku pn xprnh tinggal die. Pelik kn? N nk dkt 4buln, bru ati aku ley trima die. Bru aku mula syang kt die. And memori aku ngan die mmg ssh nk cte kt sni. Pasl tlalu byk. Tpi yg pasti die byk mengubah aku. Die bjaya membuat aku menjadi sorng yg setia. Dlu aku nie bley dikata kn playgirl. Orng mintak couple, aku trus je ckp ok. Xprnh nk blaja say NO! N xprnh ngaku ade bf ble orng tnye. Tpi ngan die, aku ngaku n aku syg gle kt die. Aku xkisah orng nk ckp ape ttg die, yg pasti die dh berjaya curi ati aku. And b'coz of this love towards him, i'm blind. Bnde yg dlu aku ley perasan tpi sekrng aku bwat bnde 2 mcm xpenting je. Sjak die msuk kolej, die dh laen sket. Die dh kurng msg, aku try fhm2 lh psl yelh, die bru msuk. Mesti bz. Die pn xde lh lpe aku coz die still wish morning kt aku. Tpi xslalu mcm dlu lh. Kteorng smbut 8buln together masa tu, he said those thing yg aku sure2 die xkn tinggalkn aku. Tpi rupanya aku silap, seminggu pastu die said gudbye dgn bgitau aku alasan pling bodoh. Wlaupn bodoh aku terima gak lh. N sjk 2, aku alami serious breakdown. Mcm all the best of me dh die ambil. Yg left ngan aku sekrng.. empty.. Tpi aku xptus2 hrp die dtg blik. Tpi xprnh pn. N aku xprnh nangis seteruk nie. Aku xprnh nangis mcm Sharif n Amir tinggalkn aku. Aku mcm orng gle pn ade. Nangis, ketawa, nangis. Mata aku bengkak gle ah. Aku xde mood nk bwat ape. Sbb 2 trial pmr aku dpt teruk. Then, Akmal bwat wake up call kt aku, n look at me now. I'm alrite now n so over him.. Aku n ashraf still contact. Aku pn dh anggap die mcm kwn aku. I learn how to forgive n forget coz what happen in the past, stay in the past. =)

Tpi pape pn, Ash the best. That's why he always here in my heart..
always will be, darling...