My little experiment

Life has been pretty weird actually. My parents seem like trying to hook me up with someone despite I clearly stating I want to be single forever, with no attachment, no settling down. I do not know which part of my word seems unclear. Seriously, it was so not fun and a bit annoying. I don't know if it is because I have made up my mind or the fact that I did not yet move on. 

The other day, my parents went to this open house organized by my dad's family side. It basically involves so many people that we just found out we related. So my dad was eager to go and be match-making over there. And they met this lady who invite them to go to her open house and wanted me to meet up with her son. I wasn't that keen obviously and my first reaction was FUCK. Yes, it came out randomly but I half meant it. 

I am avoiding saying anything related to that night and luckily for me, we did not go. I was relieved. But then it did not stop there. It seems like sometimes when it involves a guy, it feels like and it seems like the sentence shows as if they are trying to be match-making. I had made up my mind that I didn't want to get married and I devoted myself to being single forever. Why cant people just accept and respect that?? Was it so hard or was my word not clear? Please people enlighten me with this.

I did make up my mind but sometimes I do missing to have someone, being in love, falling in love. And the fact that I have finally deleted all the memories. Yep, no more conversations on WhatsApp, no longer the call log, gone were the pictures and phone number. Honestly, I never thought I was able to do it. I mean, how can you just walk away from these 13years of knowing each other? We spent so much time together, joking, sharing, and talking. I did not 100% move on. I miss him whenever I think about him and us. But he is not coming back. He's moved on and I shall do the same even though I might never be with anyone else after him. 

Despite having this kind of mindset, sometimes I do feel scared that I give up on love, and stop believing in love. I know that something inside me was broken after things ended. But I just want to know will this heart of mine is capable of liking someone other than Joe. And what better way of experiment and meet someone online. I mean kinda pro at this. I have been here before. I have few tricks hidden in my sleeves. So why not try it. I got nothing to lose. Besides if I had a change of mind and heart, I can just leave. I know it seems heartless but then I could feel my heart go in that direction if I did not try to do something. One more thing, we never know if that other person is legit or not. I mean if he is indeed a real person, the actual person that the picture belonged to.

Weirdly enough, I met these 2 divorcees in their late 30s. Yeah stable job i would say. One is a pilot and one is an engineer. But then they are too old and too mature. Sometimes it seems they like eager to find a wife to take care of their children. First of all, I am just here to try to feel something with my heart. I may not stay long and I will definitely leave when the purpose has been met. Secondly, I did not see myself being a mother of someone's child. I am not ready to get married and now you expect me to be ready to have a child? I don't think so. Thirdly, who the fuck just blurted you like this person and wanted more. We barely even meet face to face and know each other well. Come on. Are you that desperate? Ughh.. this is definitely a red flag and seems like straight-up bullshit. I am sorry I cannot be involved with this and lead you on when I know that this is not what I want at all. So i ghosted both of them and leave. Plus block and remove them. What a total nightmare. 

And then there is this the third one. I can't believe I say this but he makes me happy. He makes me giggle like I was a schoolgirl. I forgot how it felt since it has been so long. Maybe when I was in my teens or early twenties. I don't remember. But this feeling was so great. I was so excited and eager to talk to him. He was single and we just 2years gap which is just nice. 

It's just an experiment anyway. If we turn out to be more, so be it. But for now, it is just for me to know that I was not that heartless and that my heart is capable of liking someone or even feeling in love. And who knows maybe I am healing now.

The winner takes it all

I feel like the universe is punish me for something. Because somehow the universe just smack me down whenever i am ready to move on, somehow the universe was like, 'no girl, it is not your time to move on'. Everytime. I do meant it everytime. 

I sent that text to joe yesterday and i block him afterwards. Just like i plan. I did what i said. And i feel fine. Like kalo dia balas pun, confirm ahh i tak dapat kn. So i just whatever. Im move on. I even said im ready to move on on my post yesterday. I was ready to move on and let go.

I was fine until i received a call last night. At first i didnt pick up because that number was so familiar. I felt like it was him. So lepas he hang up. I re check the number. Seems similar tpi ada few numbers in it yg different. The i text fiqah asking her if she called me using someone else phone. And she said she didnt. Then the number came up again. So second time must be urgent kan. Sbb eager sgt call kali kedua. Masa tu i fkir maybe one of my classmate call i sbb nk tnye bila i balik kl maybe sbb  nk tumpang ke apa ke. So i just pick up. Masa tu mg tak fkir it was joe. Yelah dlu pun masa dia call i and i tak angkat. Sekali tu je dia call. Takde pun try again. So maybe it wasnt him.

But it was him.. I bila dgr suara lelaki je, i was like, ok bukan classmate i sbb classmate i semua pompuan. Then the name. Satu satu nyer makhluk yg boleh ter silap nama i, change it from Nasuha Nadira to Nadira Nasuha, hanya joe. He is the only guy who always seems like messed up with name. Because he called me Nadira instead of Nasuha like any of my other friend. So i assume dia mesti ingt nadira tu first name. But for him to remember my name was quite impressive sebabnya i takde facebook and i block him on twitter and unfriend him in instagram. And the only social media yg dia slalu bukak pun facebook. So kau rasa??? 

We talked a lot last night. And i didnt realize how fast the time is, or how long we talked. To be honest i rasa mcm i borak ngan dia like half and hour je. But actually. Almost 2 hour gaklah sbb i miss watching JDT lawan Penang semlam. I literally tak tgk pun bola semlam. He called me on the minute JDT got their first goal. And i ingt baru half time bila i habis ckp ngan joe. Tpi bila i masuk bilik my parents tok tgk bola. Dh habis dh pun. Dorng tgh ckp2 and review and temu bual. I mean what the heck. Bapak lama i borak. Patut lah my mom cari i. 

And when my mom asked who was calling me and i told her that it was joe. My mom was like so happy. Like her face nampak giler happy. And i was like im the one who should be happy. Im the one who had those emotion yg my mom tunjuk. But i didnt. I dont know what i feel actually. I feel numb. Or maybe i was happy but too ego to even showed it. I dont know. I really dont. And bila i cite kt fiqah. She seems happy and tak habis2 kene kn i. Seriously i should have those emotion that both of them had. But i didnt. At that time i rasa mcm nk gi somewhere and jerit. I feel like i wanna scream. I wanna have a very good scream. But now all i feel was i wanna cry. I rasa mcm i nk tgk all those death scene in greys anatomy and have a good cry. 

I was mad at him. I really was. And i didnt expect him to call me. Dahlah gne number lain. Sbb number dia yg tu i dh block. But still, i didnt expect it. Masa berckp semlm pun,i was like so cold, so sarcastic and i say whatever i wanna said. Especially part dia lupe bday i and lpe nk call i when he said he would and how he didnt even said anything, not even a sorry after that day he was suppose to call me. I was mad. I was furious. And somehow he prepared himself. He knows that i was mad at him. He was so patience on me.

He shouldnt call me. He should leave. Why did he came back. Why cant he just reply text tu and thats it. Or why he call me again lepas i tak angkat. He should call me once. He shouldnt come back. The worst part of it all was i feel like i talked to a different person. I feel like i talked to the old him. And i hate it. I hate it because everything came rushing back. Everything that i want to erase. Everything that i want to forget. He started talked about how long we knew each other and the things we used to do. And now he was like trying to fix thing between us. He want to act he care about me, about us. Why joe? Why now? Why cant you just leave. Just leave. Just let me go and move on. Because im done and i lose all my hope and faith on you. I do.

I dont wanna talk about things we gone through. Though it hurting me but now it is history. I done all i can and i know you too. But now nothing more to say and nothing more we can do. We were once so happy and i thought you were the one. So i attach myself to you. But i was a fool to let my guards down for you. Somewhere deep inside, you must know that i miss you. But what can i say, we just not meant to be. I dont wanna talk because it make me feel sad. I understand that maybe this is the last time. I apologize if it makes you feel bad seeing me so tense and furious. But you take everything and i have nothing to gave you anymore. Im done.. The winner do takes it all.

Seek a closure - plan

I just realize that i am like so similar to April Kepner. I just feel like i cant rest in peace until i get my closure. I was actually seeking for some answer or explanation but obviously i wont gonna get any. Sebab i dh try dh dlu. Remember my burst out to him? Well, actually tu macam closure gak bagi i. I was expecting him to ignore it like he usually does. I mean he was so good at it but on certain thing, he just stink at it somehow. Why cant he be like ashraf. He knows i need a closure. He knows how tak aman nyer i if i tak dapat closure. So he just let it go, let me out my rage or what ever i wanna said. He knows me better. And you just make me furious most of the time.

I mean i tau u nak stand out urself or something. But no need ok. Because all those long messages that you type was seriously not what i interested with. I mean i know you say you are afraid, that you dont want to get you heart broken again and if it meant to be, it meant to be. Well, you fucking break my heart anyway. Because i dont fucking care if we are a couple or not. I mean i did hope a little bit after a while. But i understand. It was like how Christina doesnt want a baby at all. I understand and accept it. Wlaupun just like Owen, i carry this issue until i die unless somehow i move on and just let it go. What i dont understand is that how after all these year, you start to questioning some stuff and asking me not to do things i used to do to you and most of the time you just push me away. What happen to 'i like you too' and 'i will always be here for you', 'i will never leave'. What happen to that huh? 

Yesterday, i had like this long messages i make in my head for you. I feel like i nak sent these text to you on your birthday because i know how much you gonna hate me for wishing you sebab you bajet tak nak ada sorng pun kwn you yg wish you. Only your family. Well, you can go fuck yourself. Because this year, i wont allow you. And lepas i msg tu, i akan block you macam yg sepatutnya i buat long time ago. So ni mcm redemption untuk i sebab buat kesalahan besar dlu. Bape lama block tu. Well, depends. Sampai i rasa the coast is clear baru i unblock. It seems like a good plan to me. This way i will get my closure without you need to interfere it. Sebab seriously you tak perlu cakap apa. Even i tak nak dengar you punyer thank you plus that long bebel psl taknak orng lain wish. Gi mampus lah.You were so good in ignoring my text and push me away. So do me a favor and do your thing during that time. 

Tapi tu just like a draf plan jelah. Tak tau lah nak execute ke tak lagi. It all depends on my emotion and mood on that particular event. Because i am probably gonna change my mind over and over again. But it was such a good word, and a good exit. I feel badass somehow. Nak lagi badass, of course ruin his life for good. Tapi masa i sangat precious untuk wasting my time for him and beside i rasa mcm i dah membazirkan banyak masa untuk dia. 10 tahun kenal kot. And lepas i habis matrik, dia berubah. So do your math on how many years had i just wasted. 

I wrote with anger so pardon my language. So in the meantime, that was the plan. Anything in the future will be updated.

Bad Blood

You cant fix things that already broken. That was the rule or the fact i think. But somehow people took least attention of it. Bcoz they thought they can fix it in any other way. But it cant. Really. The only way to fix it is where both parties play their role perfectly, make amends and compromise. But if they cant, all ur hardwork on fix it was wasted. Obviously. 

I know last few years things was great. But people change and so does the heart. The thing is last few years had a problem too but somehow we all tend to just forget about it. It wasnt really that big of the deal. But this time around, it was a big deal. It was. Sbb kalo x, i still can make my fake face around them. Yeah, no one can differentiate it actually. Sbb mommy pun ckp im good at it. But this time around im tired of using my fake face around them. It such a waste sbb orng mcm dorng patut dpt ayat sarkastik dri aku and my honest menyampah face.

They said family is family. Sibling is sibling. Air yang dicencang xkn putus. Blah blah blah. You dont know the full story, the real deal. To be honest, mungkin sebelum ni xnmpk sbb smue pndai pura2. Tpi semua ada limit kn. And beside sapa remove sapa dlu kt fb tu? Childish gle kot. Tu zaman aku masa form1 or 2 kot. It was like so last year. Sekrng ni orng dh xmaen sgt lah remove2 block2 unless yg jenis obvious stalker and bapak annoying gle. Tpi kalo x ske tu buat xtau je. Lgipun aku mmg jarang on fb so mmg xlah nk stalk ke apa. Buang masa dowh. Xspecially orng mcm kau. 

And if you really wanted to go on with the vacation wlaupun yg laen that specific only the group only. Tpi kau tunjuk pndai. Be my guest and invite them. I dont mind. Coz i wont be there. Ever. It was a vacation, it was suppose to be fun. Tpi fun apanya kalo sorng pndang kiri, sorng pndg kanan. Nk ckp to each other rasa mcm membazir air liur je. So better not kot. Either he was uninvited or i leave. Snang je kan. 

But think of it again. Nahh.. i wont go. Beside i akan bercuti sakan nnti kt penang. So thank you but no thank you.

Some broken relatonship just need to stay that way forever even that person meant so much to us before whether it was an old friend, old flame or family members. Somethings just meant to be broken and stay broken. So please understand it and accept it..

 

Dislike

Eh2. Byk lak nk update mlm nie.. Haha.. Kalo xtau nk tulis ape mmg menyepi je. Ble idea dtg mencurah2, xmau berhenti. Mentang2 ada gap 10 hari. Sokay, i keep it short and simple. Maybe. No promises.

Okay2.. i nie kn ske berfikir n observe. So, all this while, well, i ada dislike someone. Sbb i rasa dia sgt annoyong n just dtg ble perlukn help je n sgt selfish, bleh bleh bleh. Or maybe sbb terpengaruh dgn yg laen kot. Kdg2 tu actually a part of me forgive everything she ever done and just nk let go. Lets start a fresh. Tpi mcm biasalh. Ble dgr mulut orng dok ckp, yg i lak dok dgr je n caya. I take it all back.

But now, enough with the negativity. Kalo i bley maafkn joe and just forget. N do the same thing kt ashraf. Why cant i do the same to her? So yeah im going to let go and start a fresh. Pastu i tpkir. Maybe there are reason why she acted the way she is. Maybe dlu ada orng buat jahat kt dia or ada orng sakitkn hati dia. Anything kot. Sbb tu dia mcm bitch and heartless. I fkir smue tu sbb i pun mcm dia jugak kot. I mean there are reason npe i heartless or ckp ikut sodap mulut je. After all there are difference between being an asshole and acted like an asshole. Lgipun she's not bad. She just.. rebel kot. But i wish the best for her.

Ye, wlaupun i nmpk soft ble baca statement kt atas. But i was hard actually. Sebenarnya ada orng yg kte ley forgive n forget, ada yg kita ley forgive n ada yg kte lngsung xley forgive and forget. N dlm hidup i, ada je manusia yg tergolong dlm group ke 3 tu. Orng mcm tu mmg xkn berubah. Nk sangka baik pun xbley sbb dh terang xperlu menyuluh. N i dont hate them. I just dislike. Hate is a strong word n i try to avoid it. Tpi tulah. Golongan yg ke 3 tu mmg selalu dpt honest face dri i. Nk buat poker face pun xbley. Sbb dh tahap menyirap. So, take it or leave it jelah. But of course most of the time i try to avoid. Afterall, silence is a bliss. I mean if u had nothing nice to say, dont say nothing at all. N thats why i did. Most of the time.

Xoxo..

Dont act like you know me

Pleaselah.. dont act like you know everything about me. Like you mr know it all. You dont know anything about me.

Smpai sekrng i xsangka u ley fkir i nie mcm pompuan materialistik or gold digger or more specific pisau cukur. Wey, i dont gave a damn bout you money kay. U ingt i nie ape nk kawan n kahwin ngan orng kaya je? Just because u anak dato and you got a car when you were what form 3 and you live big mansion, i akan fall over heels over you. Sorrylah i think you just met a wrong person. To be honest, bila i dgr bnde nie smue, the first thing on my mind. Tet!!! Reject!! You mmg baik but i xphm nape u perlu sebut you belanja 2k kat pavi? Perlu ke sebut amount? For what? For brag? And the most annoying thing about you is that you ske jatuhkn orng. You ske low kn self esteem seseorng itu. I tau lah i masuk matriks je. I might or might not kene lelong. But still, masa depan i still kabur lagi. Sedng kn u dah masuk U wlaupun diploma. But perlu kn you mempersoalkn npe i msuk matriks tu and that matriks tu susah and that u kenal sorng senior tu yg pernah masuk matrik then drop pastu masuk U u tu, point mmg 4flat je. I mean masing2 lah kn. Mybe dia fkir dia xley buat. So, dia drop lah. Nasib baik lah that time i tu dah msuk sem2 kalo x ada kemungkinan dah terpengaruh. U tnya i, i plih ape upu. Tapi xsempat i nk jwb. You dh ckp ambik physiotherapy sbb u pun ambik bnde tu. Yeah, i ngaku dlu i mmg fkir nk ambik but then now i xambik lngsung. Bukn sbb cara u tu meluat kn i tapi tu pun salah satu sbbnya sebenarnya. But it was so hard. I blajar basic pun xphm ape lagi nnti kalo ambik. Then u ckp ape susah senang je. Yelah, otak kau otak ape? Otak aku surface je. You should know that i lead not follow. Then, sesedp hati label aku gf kau lah, bestfriend kau lah. Wei, u dont know anything about me. You just pretend you know. Bcoz if you know me, you would listen. But you never did.

And i adalah sdara kat matriks tu, sama kelas lak tu. And sbb kitaorng sama kelas, sama matriks, others expect us to be close.  Like super close mcm 24/7 together. I mean i admit dulu masa kecil, aku,angah n dia mmg rapat lah. main pondok2 sama2. mmg selalu bertiga lak tu. But suddenly one day we grew apart. I guess that was a part of growing up kot. Tapi time kcik2 tu mana reti nk discuss ke ape. So, we just let it be. Xnk kwn sudah kan.. Buat ape nk paksa2 kan.. So, sbb that day we just stop talking to each other and only left me and angah, But then, as we become teenager and going to mature, we start talk cuma xlah closed like we use to. And i dont think i can be close with her like we use to anymore. I mean i try tapi xbley. Tok borak2 kosong tu lah but to get deeper than that, thats hard. I rasa i xley nk ngan ngan cara dia kot. Mcm mai n murnie. Tok kawan biasa2 tu ley lah but to get too closed, thats impossible. It just nevr going to happen. It never work out.  Tpi rasanya nk terangkn kt orng yg lik super friendly and xpernah rasa ape yg i rasa, thats hard. and im tired nk terangkn. I mean just deal with it kay. Bukan i xley ckp ngan dia lngsung. I ley. Just that we xrapat. Cuba lah faham!

Huh! Rasa geram tau x. I just hat people judge me without knowing me or knowing th story. And to tell them was lik talking to the wall. Talking to the moon tu is a different story. And i just hate people pretend like they know me too well. Well, you dont know anything about me.

Advice

Love make us do stupid thing. And first love is unforgettable. I knew those thing coz it usually happen to me and use to happen to me. But what if we fall for someone wrong and he was our first love? It was unbreakable. I never forget ashraf. And sometime i do miss him and the 'what if' keep poping in my head. But i know things happen for reason. Maybe we werent meant for each other. Or maybe we were, but not now. I dont know. What i do know, i will just stick with the flow. Wherever it takes me. :)

But this post isnt about me. Those just an intro.

So, just found a very shocking news yesterday and why do all my love one keep giving me heart attack? Sebaik xde lemah jantung tau. Haritu mai, now angah lak. What if i lose you? What if i never can share those embarrassment story with you? What if you never see me with amin? Angah, that was a nearly death experience and if i were you, i also still in trauma. But alhamdulilah smue okay. Smue selamat. Sebaik kereta tu je teruk. Okay, angah had an accident. Dgn trailer lak tu! Mne x gugur jantung i? Bygkn if things wasnt okay. I snaggup gi terengganu tu and left my study here. She was my sister. She the most important one and i swear i do anything for her. Tpi alhamdulilah smuenya okay. Ya Allah syukur.

Bnde yg xokay was his bf. Yeah. I hate his guts! Tau x angah dlm situasi mcm tu, dia bley pentingkn barbeque dia tu! Kang aku barbeque kau baru tau! He didnt even say how angah is or ape. Ya Allah, selfish nya hamba mu sorng nie. Seriously, i wish i could kill you. Kill you mcm cte SAW tu or maybe DEATH BELL. Anyway yg mmg kejam coz somehow you seem deserve it. You never treat her right and you never deserve her.

99% i slah kn mamat xgne tu and 1% i blame on angah. Why cant see listen to what i say? Why cant she take my advice? What cant she open her wide her eyes and see that he was wrong? Penat kot beri nasihat and bebel. Hmm.. I just pray that one day, ada sorng lelaki dtg dlm hidup angah and make her realize how jerk is mamat xgne tu  and she deserve someone much more better. Thats all i hope full.

I guess, it was hard to convince someone who was madly in love and she was fall for her first love. So, at the end what i did was just sit and pray she realize it and it just matter of time whether it late or early..

Bad luck nasuha :)

What a bad day lah yesterday.. it all started with that free mee goreng.. huh!

Yesterday, we got solat hajat for our final exam. And after that, the lecture said we got free mee goreng. But when i get there, most of it already finish. Yep, it was devastated for me. I mean, come on. Im starving up coz i want to save up. And now it end up like this. So, i went to my room and i got no mood at all. That time, i wish daddy was there. He know how to calm me up even just with ice cream.

But then, my super awesome roomate, dila treat me with bihun goreng. Terharu gila beb. And i miss my dad even more. Then, tengah2 makan baru teringat xbawak kunci. Aigoo..
Try gaklah guna card mcm bdk2 sana bwat but xley. Rasanya kitaorng kena belajar cara kopak umah ornglah.. then bila dah dpt kunci, xley bukak lak. It seems like tombol tu dah rosak coz kitaorng push dia. 

So, gi lah jumpa ketua blok. And finally bley bukak ngan dorng nyer magic kunci. Yep, it was magic. Haha.  But now, the pintu really cant lock. So, we let it open bila kitaorng keluar.
Haiyak... what a day.. :)

My own superhero

Sometime the best thing to do is walk away.. its not that you running away from the problem. It just the fact that you tried to work it out, you try to solve the solution but the other opponent wont to the same as you..

People was right when they say 'ignorance is a bliss'. And this i might do it through my moment in here. You can say whatever you want to other people. Yay, go on. Talk shitty things about me to other people. Imma not gonna take a damn about this. But im not gonna do the same to you. Coz why?? Coz imma an awesome liddat.

Mommy said im good at faking things. How i told people that everything was fine whenever they ask. But only people who know real me know that it was lie. Maybe they saw some un serenity on my face when i said. I dont know..

Imma gonna be my own superhero. Ignore the things you said or wrote. Pretending you wasnt exist seems a bit easy now. I dont know. Maybe coz i get use to ignore everything about you.

They do not know the real story. They hear it from a story teller. They never care if its true or not. But imma not gonna talk bad things about you. I just live my life like i use to before you came. And i think i can live with that just fine. Insyallah. :)

Uncomfortable

Serious aku xselesa ngan mamat nie kot.. aku ingt dia friendly, friendly biasa lah kan.. but who would ever thought it had another meaning.

It started with a text. I mean yelah, dia sama group ngan aku so aku mintak tolong lah kumpul2 kan bnde2 tu smue. Then, perangai die dah pelik tau. But i still stay calm and ignore it. Dia maen2 je nie. But then eaok, it become worst. Berani gila bwat bnde tu in public. Opss, i mean ckp. Agak2 lah. Why everything involves about me mesti ada perkataan 'kita' or perkataan laen nya 'us'. Sumph geli dowh. Serious.

The weird part is that i didnt do nor say a word or thing about it. I just stay silent and do my things or said 'apa kau merepek ni?'. Tu je reaction aku. I didnt say yes nor did i say no. Tapi xselesalah bila dia ckp2 mcm tu rasa mcm nk hentak kepala kat meja. Bukan kepala aku lah. Kepala dia lah. Mereng sgt. Biar aku betul kan.

I dont know why its hard for me to like him. Dia baik, good looking gak lah. But.. my heart belong to someone in this moment. Sape? Well, let keep it a secret at the time being. When the time come, i will reveal it. Mestilah kn.. and for now, kita cbe lah pekak kn telinga kita dan sabar.. :)

Guilty!

There's no turning back now.. im feeling guilty. Im just wanna sleep. Hoping things will be okay. I know im the type of girl yg follow her own rule. Well, i am still am. But it seems like it effects people around me. It makes them sad. And probably hating me. Well, i hate myself also.

I try to make myself feeling better. Hoping things will be okay tomorrow eventhough 80% of me telling its not. I know what happen in vegas stay in vegas. Things already happen. U cant turn back the time if u want to.

And as far as i want to run away from these people and hide, i know i have to face the world somehow. I keep telling myself that this is not the end of the world. Things happen. Just move on. Take it as a lesson in ur life. Dont ever repeat it. But words are words. Its better saying then done.
I just hope things went well tomorrow. No one judges me. And no one avoid me. But even if it happens, i guess i just have to be a survivor somehow...

New friend request, Old friend remove

 I used to say that 'friend leave but best friend stay'. Entah pelosok dunia mne tah aku dpt philosophy mcm tu. But  it was true. It start with the guy named muiz that i know sejak form 1 ke form 2. Ye, sebenarnya aku xingt. Pape pun mse aku kenal die, aku ngan ashraf time tu. Time tu mcm lah aku kisah sgt ngan mne2 laki kn. So, mmg xingt. Tpi somehow aku dah kawan ngan die almost 5 or 4 tahun lah kot. Walaupun nmpk lama, kteorng just kawan. And i really mean it. Coz aku xpernah ade rase syg kat die pun. X mcm aku syg mai,farah,nad,nadia,joe,izz and mne2 best friend aku. Lgipun kteorng bukan selalu borak sbb adelah masalah yg xdpt nk dielakkan. And sepanjang aku kwn ngan die, aku mmg xske sgt perangai die. Die ingt aku nie gold digger ke or kwn ngan die sbb duit. Everytime die ckp psl bnde yg ade kaitan ngan duit die yg tah bape ribu tu kan, aku mmg rase mcm nak buat suara mcm dlm cte how i met your mother tu ble ted sibuk dgn philosophy die. That fart kinda noise. Tapi walau pape pun, aku dgn muiz nie mmg xkamceng lah and we didnt have any common. Dan yg pling penting aku mmg xselesa ngan die. So, semlm lepas gaduh ngan die lagi sekali, aku ingt kali nie aku nk stop lah. Penat lah asyik buat bnde yg sme je. Kteorng selalu xborak sbb bnde alah nie lah. When he acted all lovey dovey to me and then i confess yg i didnt love him and he get all upset to me. Berhenti ckp ngan aku smpai entah bape lame (aku xambik kisah pun sbb tu xingt sgt. hehe.). Then, ble ckp blik, die ulang blik, aku pun ulang ayat yg sme then bnde sme jdi. Penat tau. Asyik bnde yg sme je ulang2. So, i think i have to stop. This aint healthy at all. Bukan nyer aku rse down ble die xborak nagn aku mcm mne aku rse ble joe selalu bwat aku mcm tu, it just that penat lah n fed up. And ckp ngan die tu mcm mencurah air ke daun keladi. Kan nasuha dah keluar pepatah dah.

Tapi tu hal semlam. Nie arinie. I meet a new friend. And we had a great conversation so far. I mean buat mse nie rse selesa tu adelah sikit. Hrp2 die x mmc budak name muiz tu. Lgipun my bro pun xske u lah. Sori. It really aint going to work out anyhow. So, goodbye and i hope you found that particular girl that was way better than me and i really2 mean it. :)

Shouldnt do that

Seriously i was so piss off with this fella. He was my old friend but not very old lah. But seriously. Perlukan die call aku and pretend he was ashraf. I mean, come on. Get a grip. I know it wasnt ashraf cause i know his voice very well okay.. But still, you shouldnt lie to me like that man. Somehow, you wake my heart and it started to hope again. You really shouldnt do that. You really didnt understand my feeling did you. I was so excited when i heard ashraf's name even i know it wasnt him but i still hope it was him who was call. Eventhough his voice was little different, but i just assume he got flu or something. I didnt just jump into conclusion so i asking which ashraf. But it wasnt any ashraf i know and you name didnt even have ashraf btw. You really shouldnt do that. Seriously.. I dont know why i still try to befriend with you eventhought i was honestly dislike your attitude. I seriously dont know. Cause nak kata aku lonley, it was you who text me first.always. And i am not hoping receive any of you text. Somehow, i still cant figure it out. But if i do one day, im pretty sure thing was more likely to be different than now. ;)

Jeles or annoying??

Apa perasaan korng ble korang ade this conersation with this kinda person??  

'You selalu pegi pavi x??'
'Dulu selalu gaklah, sekrang dh x sgt. Npe?' 
'Barang kt situ mahal kn??' 
'Aaah. Agaklah.' 
'I bwak 2ribu gi sane shopping. Abis licin kot.'
'*HUH!! '
a)annoying b)perlu ke?? c) omg! byknyer duit die (gold digger) d) whatever! like i care??

Kalo aku, aku pick B... I mean, perlu ke die ckp die bwak 2K. Xley ke die ckp yg die shopping smpai habis duit die. Perlu ke ckp 2K tu?? Nope, i am not jealous! Xmanfaat lngsung! Aku just pelik and wondering je. Mse die ckp mse tu, aku mc dh naek meluat dh. Show off gle budak nie kot. Kalo aku gold digger, mmg dh lme duit die bankrupt! Or kalo aku nie jahat sgt, dh lme aku sruh perompak, rompak die tu, pastu kteorng split lh 50-50 kn? 20%! Haha.. Xpsal2... Tpi xdelh.. Just.. PERLU KE??? Aku ade gak kwn2 yg rich gak tpi xpernah lak aku jumpa hamba Allah yg mcm nie. Seriously, mse aku 1st jumpa Joe kn, i never thought die tu loaded. Aku ingt die biasa2 je coz die  xtalk about money or gadget sgt. Aku ingt lgi mse die nk beli iphone. Aku ckp lh belilh. Die ley kata,' you ingt kilang cap duit kt belakang rumah i ke???'. Then, mse aku gi rumah die. mak oi.. cantik gle rumah die. Tpi aku xdelh ckp, 'you xpernah ckp you kaya kn??'. Gle ape. Segan aku. Nmpk mcm gold-digger pn ade kot. Tpi tulh, Joe tu humble sket sme mcm farah, ais, nad, megat and mai. Sbb tu aku senang kot kwn ngan dorng. Tpi dgn sorng nie, aduh!

Dlu perangai mmg mcm spoil rich kid kot. Ingt nk berubah tapi makin teruk lah pulak! Parah! Xtau nk bwat ape. Kalo ley nk je ckp psl attitude die nie, tpi tkut terase lak. Krang xpsl2 dpt dosa free coz gi skitkn ati die or die xnk maafkn aku. Pergh, naya je. Tpi ngumpat n kutuk die mcm nie, aku ingt xdpt dosa ke?? Enthlh, what do you think??? Hmm, tgklh. Aku cbe slow talk ngan die. Xthan kot. Byk lgi sebrnarnya tpi entah npe psl show off 2K nie bwat aku meluat n xthan. Aku nie, ngumpat org  lak kt blog aku.. Haha.. xsengaja. Luah kn perasaan xpuas hati je. Hehe.. PEACE! ;P

Dont drag me..

Ok, so, my mom already baik2 ngan my uncle's family. And thi stime it was REAL! Not like before this. Baik, then gaduh.. and the list keep going on. But not this time. How do i know it? Well, kalo dh smpai balik rumah bawak PSP one of my cousin, bkn baik ke dah nme nya??? Selalunya xde pn, Kalo bley anything yg ade kene mengena ngan dorng, my mom xnk tgk, xnk tahu, xnk sentuh langsung. And now it's happen to me tpi xlh teruk sgt. Haha.. My mom mmg dh baik ngan dorng but not me, not my dad. i mean, bukannya xbaik cme mcm 'kau2 aku2.'. Its better that way i guess. I xkacau hidup die. Die xyahlh nk kacau hidup aku kn. Its a fair game. No one win, no one lose. I can see my dad didnt like it when he didnt care a damn about their PSP. Time adik aku ckp 'eh,die ade gme nielh. Cbe abah tengok.'. My dad dgn selambanya, 'kisah lah pulak'. Something yg unbelieveable tpi, eh, abah pun dh gne ayat akak ke?? Haha.. But seriously ble die bwat mcm tu, die mmg meaning it. And yeah aku pun xkisah pn psl PSP tu. Ble my mom ckp gme tu ade happy feet. I xdtg pegi kt my mom pun. I ckp, yeah, i heard you.' Xdelh rude sgt kn??? Kn??? And today i might be forcing to teman my mom hantar PSP tu balik kt rumah die, someone i dont like sbb nya esk aku xde exam n xgi sklh. So, officially mlm nie aku maen sim je. Addicted lh. Haha..

Semlm my mom ajak my dad tpi die xnk so suddenly angin taufan lh kn. Tpi i xley nk blame my dad, die xske, nnti fake lh. Ugh! aku nk bwat alasan ape ek today?? Sakit perut dh selalu sgt. Blajar??? Blajar lh sgt kn. Or should i just admit it?? Ugh! Stree lh. Aku bukan xnk baik ngan dorng. It just feel like i dont want to. Xkn aku nk paksa diri aku kot? Xikhlas kot. Lagi xbgus. Dulu aku selalu gak kutuk dorng. Bukan aku jeles ngan everything dorng ade (kisah lak pulak aku kn). It just that perangai dorng yg tersgt annoying. Seriously, you dont know how annoying they are. Sbb tu i dont like them and i really think ignorance is the best solution. Last time aku jumpa dorng, i've being a fake person. Aku selalu benci fakers tpi last2 aku yg fake. And orng yg tahu ble aku fake tu its only my bro. Aku xtahu mcm mne die tahu, tpi die tahu. Aku pun xtahu mcm mne aku fake. I just fake. I dont want to fake anymore. That's why i dont want to be nice to them when i dont want to. Nnti xpsal2 nyanyi lgu Pokerface by Lady Gaga tu. Bahaya dh tu.

So mom, please dont force me to be nice with them. If you want to be nice with them, go ahead. We wont boikot you or something. But please dont drag us. I know putus saudara tu salah dlm islam. And aku xputus kn pun saudara. aku just rengang kn je smpai aku ready n ikhlas which xtau bila lh. And aku bukan nk salah kn dorng tpi sejak my mom baik ngan dorng, our family relationship mcm ade masalah sket. So, i blam them.

I had enough with you

Seriously, i really mean it when i said this.. Penat dowh! Aku dh penat sabar ngan perangai kau. I really thought u would change but i guess i was wrong. I was wrong all over again.. Yeah, dlu maybe i still could stand it coz well, it was good to help someone. But think it all over again, it was a CRAP! Gosh! Yeah, dlu kau sruh aku cri poem about merdeka. N i was like, WTF?! I really ask u to do it all by urself. I mean, internet kn ada. Apa gne ada internet kalo kte xreti nk mengunakannya, rite? But i did help u coz well, i fell pity of u who was one of those rich people spoil brat. But it was the first n the last favor i will ever did to you. N yeah, i try to be sincere evnthought i did felt a little mad at u. N then come the second one which was just now.. Suddenly u text me n ask me to do ur motto? WTF again! I mean, come on, u think i didnt have life? Ugh! Serious aku xpaham ngan perangai kau kot. Mcm xley bwat sendiri je? n one more thing, why me? Why didnt u ask ur gf? Shit dowh kau nie! Like i said before, that was the 1st n the last thing i ever going to do for you. So, this time, i really2 wont do that. n i am not sorry.

Looking back to those, it remains me why i never accept u into my life and why i didnt actually call you 'a friend'.. coz i never get along with u and never do i understand u.. First, u said u want me, then u go on about ur gf. The other day, u really get me fool by talking about us. I really thought its over between u n her even thought i never hoped for it coz well, i am seriously not n never into u. U always confusing me. A LOT! And when we talked, it was always about... YOU! Seriously, i am bored.. totally bored..

I didnt mean to be rude by not answering ur call ( i put u in reject list actually), not reply ur texting n not do u a favor, but the thing is i am not comfortable with u. Everytime we talked, i felt like, i wish i could be somewhere else or can someone shut him up? Its so annoying! seriously.

I noe u good at that and this. I noe you came from the perfect family. You can have anything you want but please, just please, dont be too proud of it and dont be such a spoil brat rich children.. b'coz of u, u made my theory seem right by think that rich children are mostly a spoil brat coz contoh yg terdekat was u. But i noe that not mostly are coz none of my friend are like you. But u really2 did make me feel like falling in love with rich people it's a big mistake i ever going to done.

So, when i said i had enough with you. I really2 mean it. So, i hope after this u can find someone who can do those dirty work for you coz i am not ur maid and i never forever will be. And if one day, i had a feeling i should lyn u, i hope that time, u dah change, u no more that constant / fixed variable anymore but a manipulated variable. So, farewell spoil brat! *peace! ;)

feels like stranger in ur own home..

Mesti pelik dgr.. feels stranger in ur own home??? but that's really how i felt.. especially time cuti2 sklh mcm nie.. gosh, i wish i that twas somewhere else beside here. sumph, xtahan. sometime, i pray n kept pray they out from here. tpi maybe doa tu xbgus kot sbb tu Allah xterima. Subahanallah. insaf evergreen..

yep, insaf.. i can do it but it last for.. emm.. pling lme 2bulan kot. people always said that 'do nice thing to people who do bad things to you' even mai pn prnh ckp. but tulh, it wasnt easy. serious not easy. aku prnh buat but lme2 kte fedup. n the menyampah feeling pn dtg..

so, nie dh cuti sklh.. n it come back. gosh.. kalo lh parents aku pn cuti gak.. mesti fun. mcm semlm...

aku mls nk comment lbh2.. thap menyampah dh melambung. i'm out!
*mood : menyampah, sakit hati, bengang, stress..

Stressnya aku!

Minggu nie.. minggu paling teruk sekali aku alami.. Mne xnya, aku tdo lmbt tok beberapa ari nie.. huhu.. bala2.. stress gle.. tpi nk bwat mcm mne kn.. nme pn bdk2 spm so knelh face it.. hmm.. next week dh exam.. yg aku ley relax lgi. xbaja pape lgi kot. aigoo2.. xsempat kot.. keje belambak gle.. bala2.. dhlh mls nk tlis lbh2.. ilang mood trus.. huhu.. gudbye.. nk smbung membuta blik.. (byr tdo!) Peace! ;))

Chain Texting...

Aku pling benci kalo orng antr mesej yg sruh 'antr kt 10 orng, kalo x, hidup anda akn kne musibah..' I mean WHAT THE F! Seriously.. does that really happen?? Gosh, bru tdi muiz antr aku mesej nie.. Die sruh aku susun blik ayat yg berterabur nie n kalo aku xblas/tlis blik, that's mean aku xreti mencintai.. Ugh! Whatever k! Yeah, aku mmg xreti nk mencintai orng sbb tulh mostly my relationship or my love life never last long. Huh! menyampah dowh orng antr mesej mcm tu. Xde keje laen ke?? So, mmg mostly orng yg antr mesej tu, ucap selamat tinggal lh coz aku mmg akn trus delete je. Menyemak je kot. So, chain text, u just get lost! Haha.. ;D

Penakut

Well.. things didnt work out as i plan.. It gonna end even if i dont want to. Gosh! Npe aku bodoh sgt dowh! Kalo aku xterime mesti xjdi mcm nie kn? But even if kalo aku terime, npe aku perlu mcm nie? Bkn aku dh ckp aku xkn berharap sgt? Xpe, npe??? Ugh! Aku benci die! Aku benci die! Tpi btul ke i hate him that much?? Adakah perasaan benci ini sebernarnya cinta?? Tpi yg pasti aku n ash is going to come an end once again. I see something is wrong tpi enth. Mcm biasa. Ble dgn die, aku bwat xnmpk je bnde 2. Mcm bnde 2 xpenting tpi sbrnrya ya. N hari nie.. Aku nmpk kt fb die yg die tulis something about hoping to another girl.. I should have know better.. But i never did. Aku dh agak dh pompuan 2 bkn aku. Ugh! Aku benci die! Aku benci sgt! Why Ashraf?? Why u acted like some kind of f@#*ing guy! Pergh! bangang dowh kau nie! Kalo kau dh xske, ckp je ah. Penakut! Aku xnk ilang kau lgi. Tpi kalo dh nie jalannya, aku terime. Aku lepaskn kau even if it so hard to do it. I try.. I will.. Just dont show ur face in front of me anymore.. Just let me go! Aku benci kau Ashraf! AKU BENCI KAU!