short thrilled love

Remember in my last post that I mentioned I got to know someone. Well, it ends... Hahaha... I know it was short and full of lust.

Honestly, all those times that we talk, I could feel myself in my teens where I giggle and grin. It was just like pure lust. But minus the fact that when he said something sweet, instead of I listened to all those good love songs, I go and listen to All Too Well 10 minutes version or any sad song in my 'Missing You' and Playlist for J' playlist. How messed up that is. 

As I said I knew him from the internet but not that dating site even though I did plan to create one someday. I know I said I won't before but I'm just a human, we are bound to change our minds every single time. It was just a random thing where he add me and I approved. He texted me and I replied. Then everything just leads to another. I shared my number so fast. Not like before, back then when I was actively pursuing this online blind love. I mean there is where I met ashraf and then ashari and a few guys after that. I do not know how open and optimistic I was back then. I was fearless and carefree. And I thought I still have it with me but actually not quite yet.

Honestly, I like him. I do He was caring and thoughtful. A very sweet talker and funny. But sadly my heart hates him. Sometimes if I see his name pop out, I felt annoyed but sometimes I did smile. I waited for his text most of the time. I will never be the first to text. but I did once in a blue moon. I think I could only calculate by 1 hand how many times did I make the first move.

It was so short. He came when I think I am ready and after I deleted everything about Joe that was saved nicely on my phone. We talked about everything and try to know each other. He liked Korean drama btw and was a bit clueless about football. He is a Pisces sign. I have nothing against fish okay. He is very hard working and loves to cook. I could imagine myself liking him deeply and settling down with him somehow. Everything was going great. We flirt and joke around. But then one day we have a big fight about some silly thing and now we just stop talking. And I ... I adore him but not much to chase, to fight, or to do anything to save this. I just let it go, let it pass, and move on. In fact, as I was writing this, I deleted every trace of him that I have.

It was short and thrilling. But it wasn't love. It was pure lust and wanting to have someone who care, someone who showered me with love and attention. It was never loved and I know deep down it was never meant to be last. It was initially just an experiment that I did for myself. I wanna see how damaged I was. Well, not much but something has obviously broken inside me and I still need time to heal. 

When and if next time I fall in love, I want to be able to hear those good love songs that I once listed in my playlist instead of listening to a 10-minute version of All Too Well. When and if I fall in love again, I don't want to feel annoyed at all when I see that person's name on my phone. I want to feel peace and in love. When and if I fall in love, I hope I still have a fight with me and that there is something to give back. You see I give everything to Joe and most of it was never returned back to me. That is why I wasn't the same before. I was very cautious and since I lost my fight on that battlefield, there was none of my warrior or fighter spirit in me. It was like what flow, flow. I have no intention to chase or force it anymore. 

But overall, I realize that even though I feel like I was okay and moved on, my heart never did. She still need time to heal completely and that I was okay. I think when the right time comes, when Allah feels like I was completely ready, my knight in shining whatever will come. InsyaAllah. For now, I would just focus on self healing and myself.

On a side note, I realize that I really really do prefer a guy who can speak football language. I mean you can like Korean drama all you want but please know your football. It doesn't have to be the same team as mine. You can have my rival. I just need someone to fight with me if his teams lose with my team. You know just like Joe. He will definitely tease me in the last friendly match because his clubs win over mine. *chuckle

Im not done yet

Funnily when i thought that everything was.. well, not exactly that okay but okay lah.. it turn out that i am not done yet.. 

Remember the job i was gonna take at Teledirect? Well, i had to turn it down. Yesterday, after my parents reviewing the offer letter, they asked me not to take it. And sebelum ni mmg my mom ada ckp on the day i go pick my offer but i told her that since i need money and i dont have any offer yet from anywhere, i just should pick it up. Kalo tak mana i nk cekau duit beb. Dhlah for the past 2 month i mcm orng jobless. Jobless ye lepas Allianz/ Infinity buat i macam ni. 

But then my dad open his mouth yesterday and try to talk to me not to take it. He felt like what they offer are low and plus the hour and you have to work on Saturday some more. It was like so no worthy. I tau mmg dorng offer rendah. In fact if i was still with AIA, offer mcm ni i tolak tepi terus. I know nothing beats what AIA once offered me before. That one i can agree with. But then AIA not so great anymore with all this budget cut and layoff. I know for the fact i hate sales and i never regret leaving AIA as many of my close friend semua dh blah. What make i stay is my teammates. Itu je. Selain dari tu. Nope. And also the travel tapi tu pun skrng kene carpool satu and budget for makan dari rm90 turun ke rm15 ye. Mkn mcd pun tak lepas beb. 

Its okay. I believe there will be silver lining at the end of the rainbow. For now, well, i had what i want right. To stay at home and do nothing and just enjoy the netflix. Life is great. 

white carriage and getaway car

I attended Yanie's wedding last month. And this was my first time attend to a wedding of my UKM's classmate. I missed out on Anis's wedding few years back sebab i tgh bercuti time tu. And since i takde pape and my parents pun ikut join sekali gi wedding yanie, why not kan.. Aww... dua classmate i, mariners dah kahwin.  Really happy for both of them.. Tapi tulah bila tgk orng kahwin rasa diri ini pun nk kahwin gak.. hahaha.. tapi tak salah kan... lols.. But seriously i had this kind of feeling lately bila i tgk orng yg i kenal kahwin.. mcm nk kahwin gak tapi tulah takde calon.. huhuhu.. and maybe ada calon tu tpi i nak dia, dia yg tak tau nk i ke tak.. hahaha.. lols..

Anyway, I always fantasize that by the age of 25th, i should have settle down. I should met a man that i want to spent my whole life with. And well, we not lived happily ever after but we just happy with each others. We fight, we make out, me support each other, we be there for each other. The one that i could share everything with and accept me for who i really am. And maybe sbb tu tahun 2019 ni i mcm anxious sikit sebab yelah i 25 ye tahun ni. I was supposed to get married this year. But i guess it wont be happening anytime soon and i will be missed out my own wedding i guess.

After joe asked that question last 2 year, jujur i ckp a part of me was very happy, a part of me could see that everything that i dream finally came true, a part of me was fantasize and planning. But then.. well you know.. things happen.. and now it end to whatever it is now.

I told myself that i dont care that much, that i was fine tapi i kan typical perempuan. Bila je i ckp yg i ok is i betul betul okay. It hurts you know. That everything just kinda destroy and burn. But somehow i pick up those little bits of pieces and save it.. just in case.. who knows it work out at the end. Honestly, a part of me still believe, still fantasize and planning.. kalo tak, takkan lah i kept some information/help for my future self if she ever get married in the future.. And since we talked about marriage, we just go on with this okayy.. just bear with me ye or you could just skip this post. I wont mind.

My dream wedding keep on changing as i grow up. I tak tau lah sbb pengaruh semasa or just the media. But I used to loved big wedding and i be the center of attention. Only for that special day ye. But now, i more to simple but elegant. Tak perlu ramai orng. Ckup lah closed friends and family je. I was thinking 250-300 max. Cukuplah. Reramai pun buat apa. I rimas dan rasa semak ye. Oh, I tak nak ada bridesmaids. And taknak ada pengapit. I rasa tak perlu kot since tempat i tu dewan. Yang ni mmg dari dlu i nk dewan yg  ada aircond ye sbb selain untuk diri i, ia juga untuk my guests. And i plan to do it at night, under the stars. Tpi tak nmpk lah star nyer since dalam dewan.. kau rasa? kalo nk sgt gi luar dewan. Hahaha.. But if i had to have a pengapit, i nak fiqah who is my person to be pengapit i. Sbb dia ada positivity yg i need when im down. And bila i doubt, she can always take me away in a getaway car. Im serious okayy... I tau i ada buat janji dgn angah dlu psl nk jadi pengapit in each other wedding. But now i more to no.. In fact jadi pengapit angah ni pun i berat hati sebenarnya ye. Tpi nk buat mcm mne. Dia dh bagi kain dh pun so no way out i guess. I just hope on the day i kahwin, angah tgh sarat mengandung. Amin. Since majlis i buat malam, i was thinking to finish it in a day, means nikah petang, sanding malam. Mcm tulah plan i tapi tulah planning je.. It could change you know, not by me but by others. I yg terpaksa menerimanya ye. Hahaha..

But then this was all just a dream.. it was not really meant to come true. I mean, i wish it would somehow, someday.. I just hope for the best. Tapi tulah, the heart wants what it wants and it wants Joe. There is nothing i could do about it unless of course joe decide otherwise. But then it was like more to Joe or nothing. So yeah, im better off being alone anyway. Better like that kot. Hati i pun tak sakit. Kalo sakit pun, jap je. Esok lusa dia healing.

I had this conversation with my mom the other day. She was like so keen on me being open and just be friend with people. More specifically, people who were single and straight man. Yelah sekrng kn akhir zaman, so banyak je yg bengkok and actually a married man. I told my mom like i trained myself to say everytime this issue brought up. I did be open and be friend with many people that i come to know all the way. I bukan nyer terus shut people, taknak kawan langsung, sombong or whatever. Cuma nyer, dorng kene lah start the conversation because i wont do it unless perlu. And bukan nyer i tak balas msg tu. I balas kot cuma maybe dia akan nmpk mcm biasa2 je sbb dia tak kenal i lagi. So what they get is only my surface. They need to stay longer for my shell to be open and i need to make sure that they can handle the 'savage' of me. Thats what i told my mom lah.

The thing that i did not tell her is that my heart choose joe. I choose joe. I know he is the one i want to spent my whole life with, the one i willing to take risk with. And I dont know if i could love the next person more than i love joe. Sbb i rasa i already give too much, investing a lot on joe that i dont think it will be any left or enough for the next person. And im scared that i will not gonna put much effort when things go wrong. Like i could give 10% effort on saving the relationship. But that person need to do more because i am helpless. But that is all what i feel or think. Who knows when i meet the right person, everything will fall into place and it will be enough and equally.

But seriously, like i said before, i think im better be on my own. I know each people deserve someone in their life. I just dont think it was meant for me i guess? And kalo i tak end up dgn joe. I okay je be alone. Of course tipu lah kalo tak jealous or tak rasa pape, i bukan heartless even though i wish i was but i wasnt. So yeah. Tapi sebab dh pilih jalan ni, kenelah adapt, kenelah pndai handle bila these situation or feeling appear.  As for kid, well, i can always adopt. Sekrng kn byk je yg buat dlu, fkir kemudian pastu end up terbuang. Kesian tau. But then i am like not really have any intention to invest in kids and education unless it was my education. So i guess i stayed with cats.. love them.. hahaha...

So sis akhir kan post ni dengan a few pictures that were taken at Kuantan, attend Yanie's wedding.

Before gi wedding, we all decide to eat something sweet first

Not the one i order since i punyer in video form

The one i order, hopefully boleh play lah

Our favorite pose, i pun tak tau nape mariners suka sangat gaya this pose

Mariners with yanie x husband.. congrats babe...

All of us

mak cik bawang sekalian.. hahahaha

This feeling

I had this kinda like a weird feeling/vision these past few days. I tak tau lah is it because i was kinda in depressed mode and the fact that i kinda untie most of connection i had with my closed ones. I like literally boleh go on silent phone i for quite a few days actually. And if let say ada a few miscall or text or whatsapp, i ignore most of it. I didnt return the call back and even text saying sorry for not pick up the call. Whatsapp and message pun memilih. Ada yg i ignore terus and ada yg i balas tapi lambat giler lah. Could take a few days. I tak tau lah nape sgt i mcm ni. Nak kata malas ye gak. But i just... entahlah... 

I ignore my person. Wlaupun technically dia buat group untuk plan yanie nyer wedding. So technically they are bunch of people dalam group tu yg boleh respond. I only respond when needed. Bukan i busy ke malas ke. It just i dont feel like i wanna say anything at all unless when needed like voting and paying. And i tau maybe fiqah kinda frustrated ngan perangai i ni mcm tak supporting and tak membantu langsung. Put in mind to apologize to her later. But i did respond well aritu sbb mood i kinda okay time tu. So lucky her. In fact lucky to those yg i respond right on time and answering the call even though i didnt save your number. Hahaha.. lols. 

Alright, the next weird feeling is that.. hurm.. it involve joe. I slalu like excited giler dapat text dari joe. Too much?? Okay.. excited giler tu nmpk mcm exhilarating sket. But i was happy. I smile. But this one i didnt. I mean i smile but i dont know if im happy or glad or whatever. I read pastu i biarkan. Malam sket kot baru i balas. Tapi ayat i simple and pastu i terus lupa psl bnde alah ni. Baru ni teringt balik. Then even dia sent i video dia gi cuti kt phuket tu, i just tgk sekali je. SEKALI JE?! This is like so not nasuha nadira. SERIOUSLY! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME????!!!!

Moving on to that weird feeling/vision... with all these messed up feeling, i start to question myself was my feeling towards joe change??? Pastu i like berangan if orng tnye i what if all this time i tunggu joe tapi at the end joe pilih orang lain... wanna know my answer??? hahaha

well, honestly of course i akan broken hearted giler hati hancur berkecai bersepai sepai patah seribu. then background music patah seribu akan dimainkan.. follow by someone like you.. and last but not least only love can hurt like this. but then lagu these days akan dimainkan untuk menunjukkan yg i nak move on and redha with everything... im happy for joe.. im happy he met someone that can make him happy and give things that i didnt give to him.. i am really happy even though im not the reason behind it and that it sucks for me.. lols.. but really.. what worries me is that what if one day he realize i was the one and he finally want to settle down with me but i just dont feel the same.. how can i respond to that and broke his heart when his happiness is my third important things in my life.. i mean i know deep down inside of me i still do love him.. it just im not sure if it is still the same reason and growing some more.. 

 

But whatever i is.. i just hope that this is weird things will only be temporary. And that when all this mood is over, i be head over heals on joe and anything that i used to love. But if let say it decide to stay.. i just hope that no matter what happen.. feeling i kat joe takkan hilang.. it will always remain there.. maybe not growing.. but still alive and the same.. 

Im losing it here

My motivation has bee drain this week. It getting worse each day. And i do am trying to survive. Each day i try to be positive that i can fucking do this. That i am strong enough to do this job. But then at the end of the day it all consume me and leads me to failure. The negative thought come linger inside of me and i try to wash it away. Acted like i was fine and happy with all of these when the truth is i am not fucking fine at all. 

Last monday we had our kick off. Makan makan, mingle around, telling about each other a little bit and sort out a plan for this year. And for once i know that i can do this. And later on Tuesday, had my training on how to use the apps and how to say it to client and convince them to buy our products. And that time also i am fucking sure i can do this. It is in my blood. But come yesterday, those thing have been suck out from me. And not to forget today. I spent my days in opening the jobstreet and applying any job. Not to mention i did open the selected company that provide me the desire job that i want and i apply it. See how desperate i am?

I also started to question about my life and decision that i make. I thought this year will be great but then it isnt. I know for the fact that im starting to sink in into those dark deep hole i used to love. But im trying to survive here. I do. I do not want to feel whatever dark feeling i had last year. I want to be better, to be good. I want this year to be better. But obviously January dislike me that much.

 

 

You know what i want right now. I want to break free. Like literally. I want to stop doing everything, anything and just take myself off, take a deep breath and reflect. That is what i wanna do. Did you know that my mom wants me to continue study in phd before umur i 30. Clearly there is like no marriage for me which is fine by me because well i dont think i end up with joe anyway. So whats the point anyway. Im better off being alone. But honestly i kinda lost here. I really dont know what im gonna do with my life. I dont even know my purpose of living here. Should have ended when i had a chance. But then part of me entahlah.. have common sense. Killing yourself will ultimately shut you off from ever going to heaven. So im trying to survive in this cruel cruel world. Maybe good things do take time. All i had to do is be positive and just be fucking patient with it. 

I am not weak

I keep on changing my mind. I could go from i stay here forever waiting for you to i deserve better baby im fabulous so goodbye. This has go on forever and ever. Depends on his action actually. Sebab aritu i whatsapp dia tak balas tapi whatsapp story ley lak upload. Seriously what the fuck man? Then i text him jokingly and he replied wlaupun tak borak lama tapi janji ayat dia buat i tersenyum sorng. So you guys could guess that i have change my mind again. Sadly true.

So i rasa rather nk planning and hoping. I should just let it flow and see where it goes. If it meant to be, it will be so i should just let it be.

I am not weak. I know i deserve better somewhere deep inside of me. But sometime we just took whatever love we thought was meant for us. Maybe joe is my second prize just like i was to his. Maybe we both are second prizer. And yeah i admit, i malas nak cari. I believe that if it meant to be, we find our way somehow. So who knows tetbe kan i jumpa jodoh i through grab or just one of the co worker. Bcoz honestly we do not know how our lives turn out to be in the future. Love might come in our lives in unexpected way, surprising us in some way. 

But believe me when i said this, after i reach my 30s, all of these will be just some idea i made when i was in my 20s. Bcoz after 30s i am done about marriage and love. Ye maybe tetbe jodoh mula hadir dan ketuk pintu hati i. But that was some kind of story. But really bila i reach 30s, i dah tak nak dah cari ke usaha ke cuba ke. No, i am so done. Like ada, adalah. If takde takpe. Bcoz when we, us women reach our 30s, we are somehow independent on our own, probably own a house and a car, spending money to our mom and dad, a stable job and a happy content life. I know once in awhile kita akan rasa lonely. Takpe beb, go and adopt kids or cats. And since i tak suka budak so cats will be my only solution. But i be fine on my own. travel and make memories.

That was just another dream after the 30s.

And for the 20s.

Well, i still am stand here, waiting for joe or someone who can fulfill my hopes and dreams. I go with the flow and see where this will go. Is it gonna be forever or is it gonna down in flames. But honestly, these day i took really slow and took my time, i realize that maybe hati i memang dah tawar skit lah dengan perangai joe ni. And somehow i was hoping and pray that it wont work out at the end, that he did something so terrible that im gonna shut him off for good this time and forever i hope. 

The gap and line between us

So, apparently things just didnt turn out the way i was hoping or planning. Macam biasa lah kann.. Ughh.. Because apparently the ghost from my past suddenly appear again in my life. And this time it leaves a huge hole inside of me. He speaks of the things that i have been dying to hear, things that i was hoping coming from him. And after lots of whatsapp story he post, i just accidentally need to pick the one about liverpool. *sigh

To be really honest, when he speaks about it. I admit i am not prepare even though i have been prepared myself for years now. That thing was the one of the thing i kept on imagine in my head somehow. But like always, even if we prepared for a very long times and we think we are ready for it but somehow when the days come, nothing feels right anymore. The night suddenly felt cold and dark and somehow you could hear your hearts sinking and breaking. In this situation i am having, i was handling my emotion so well by saying things normal people said like gladly happily congratulating. I repeat, i was handling my emotion so well..

But then the question was directly asked by him to me. That question was actually meant for me. And he suddenly open up about our past and i just go along with it. Ahh.. revisiting the past is what i kept doing lately anyway. We were arguing and laughing like we used to. And he started to whisper these sweet words that make me cringe and felt like there were million of butterflies inside my tummy wanted to get out.

To be honest, i had never felt this happy since that marriage talk i had with him back in 2013. And to be really really honest, it kinda freak me out because i dont do happy. Not anymore. Of course you nampak i happy and bubbly and laughing but that just what i want you guys to see. Beside, who wants to see dark, bitter of me? But on that day, i let myself be happy and just enjoy it. I cant stop listening to this stupid love songs. Same things go with the next day when he asked me all the things he never asked me. I mean we never do that. Asking about my days and have I eaten or not. We dont do that. We always just jump to the conversation or topic. But whatever, i was happy again. I was really really happy. And thats what scares me the most.

The happiness lasted for about 3 days i think. Then i started to feel doubt and running away seems like a really good idea. Even now. I mean i know that i want to spend my whole life with him. That i imagine things with him and even once said that i already found my chuck bass. But i guess things have change now. I have change. I have priorities now and goals that doesnt involved him anymore. I know i said i wanted to settle down when i was about 25 or 26 years old. But since he left, i stop believe in love and the idea of having that special someone. So, all i could think about is myself. All i want to focus is on me.

Somehow i do wish he told me that he's getting married soon and i could just sing 'someone like you' and just be done with it. I could just move on and lived my life and just be happy. I am finally free. And now it seems like all over again, back to where it all began 2 years ago. When i was here waiting for him and he just left and never looking back.

So, i create a gap and line between us to prevent myself of hoping that there will be a happy ending for us. That what you said was true and you wouldnt change your mind and disappear this time. Because i found myself getting weak around you like you suck all the energy out of me. And i found myself waiting for you and felt disappointing when you didnt even bother to text me like you did before this. Make me think that you change your mind again and go disappear and left me all alone again. Because i am really really tired of this game. And the fact that if you really did left this time, i could never be this person anymore, that i could go even darker than before.

I know that we still are taking our time and wanted to go with the flow and see where it takes us. But f you not serious with any of it, i really do want you to leave me while i still can pick myself up and move on. But if you really meant it, then show me and proof to me and we will figure things out. But somehow right now, i guess it is just not for me. It just seems like a little too late. Because i already move on or half move on. And besides, we are a different people now. We both changed. And i always believe that if i have doubt, i really should not go with it. Beside, all you had was words with no action at all. Makes me believe that these was too good to be true. Makes me think that this was just a dream realm, a fantasy that i create about us. I think it was best that we be like we are before. You on your own and i was in mine. Maybe we should let this go, let this idea past.

Miss Missing You

Lately i missed him a lot. A lot. A lot kinda way that i start to having flashback of all the good old days we had. A lot that i started to review and having doubts of my action. A lot that somehow i was easy to shed a tear when watching a very sad scene that involve death. A lot that i somehow think that i should stop what im doing and start to talk to him. A lot until i could not even explain how a lot was it. And even so, you would not understand it. 

I hope it goes away. But it didnt. It grew stronger somehow. I kept myself busy with this stupid marketing plan that i tak faham langsung. But i think sebab belajar marketing ni sangat susah and i just feel like i wanna talk to him about this. He knows how to make me feel a bit better or at least give me faith and give me a little bit strength. I miss him. I miss talking to him. *take a breath

Maybe this just a hormone thing. It will go away somehow. So what i miss him. But did he even miss me? Of course tak kan. Kalo tak, he will try to find me. But he didnt kan. You know at first, i did leave because i want a piece of mind, i want to move on, i want to get away from him. But now, now i just feel like.. i just had a glimpse of hope that he come and find me, that he somehow have a courtesy to even text me and said hi. Tapi kadang i rasa macam i tak move on pun. I just getting used of him not being around and not to talk to him. And thats was it. I guess.

This will go away. It will go away. This missing thing. It just a miss. A miss missing him. Now and then. And thats just the thing that i need to deal every once in awhile. Now and then.

When did i get here?

Last saturday, i attend my close cousin getting engage. And suddenly... of course lah im going to make it about me.. Hahaha.. So, yeah the engagement. And there i was thinking, i dh smpai ke this phase ke? this era?

Actually, dh ada dua sedara i yg sama umur dgn i kahwin, ada anak dah pun. But since they all not close with me, like distant relatives so i tak ambik pusing sangat. I buat dont know and just enjoy my life. But this is along we are talking about. Yg memang rapat dri kecik. Yg memang suka sakat i. Yg memamg i je slalu boleh tahan kepala besar dia tu. 

Yep. He's engage already to whom. Tak perlu ler i nk cakap sapa. Hahahaha...

Since my close friends semua masih sibuk struggle siapkan tesis, assignment and mungkin kerje, it never really occur to me that this age was like a perfect time to settle down. I still like tak percaya yang along nk kahwin dah and i am this age where most people are setting down and have kids of their own. Because i still like wondering what series to watch since greys anatomy, the catch and supergirl dah habis dah. And games of thrones akan main bulan 7 nanti. Lama lagi. 

See... marriage just wasnt kick inside of me. Nak lak i takde calon. Nak lak i dgn joe memamg takde jodoh dah. So i malas lah nk fkir semua ni. In fact i was planning of not getting married ever. But then who us to decide. Macam mommy cakap, kalo jodoh datang, takkan nk tolak kot. Kalo joe, tak tolak lah kot. Hahahahaha... Takdelah memain je. Entahlah. For now i just nk focus on my studies, kerje and make me and my family happy. Tu je goal hidup i buat masa ni. Takde masa lah nk cinta cinta ni. Maybe to some other people finding love or a partner is a goal. But for me, it aint me.