chasing sunrise : white carriage and getaway car

I attended Yanie's wedding last month. And this was my first time attend to a wedding of my UKM's classmate. I missed out on Anis's wedding few years back sebab i tgh bercuti time tu. And since i takde pape and my parents pun ikut join sekali gi wedding yanie, why not kan.. Aww... dua classmate i, mariners dah kahwin. Really happy for both of them.. Tapi tulah bila tgk orng kahwin rasa diri ini pun nk kahwin gak.. hahaha.. tapi tak salah kan... lols.. But seriously i had this kind of feeling lately bila i tgk orng yg i kenal kahwin.. mcm nk kahwin gak tapi tulah takde calon.. huhuhu.. and maybe ada calon tu tpi i nak dia, dia yg tak tau nk i ke tak.. hahaha.. lols..

Anyway, I always fantasize that by the age of 25th, i should have settle down. I should met a man that i want to spent my whole life with. And well, we not lived happily ever after but we just happy with each others. We fight, we make out, me support each other, we be there for each other. The one that i could share everything with and accept me for who i really am. And maybe sbb tu tahun 2019 ni i mcm anxious sikit sebab yelah i 25 ye tahun ni. I was supposed to get married this year. But i guess it wont be happening anytime soon and i will be missed out my own wedding i guess.

After joe asked that question last 2 year, jujur i ckp a part of me was very happy, a part of me could see that everything that i dream finally came true, a part of me was fantasize and planning. But then.. well you know.. things happen.. and now it end to whatever it is now.

I told myself that i dont care that much, that i was fine tapi i kan typical perempuan. Bila je i ckp yg i ok is i betul betul okay. It hurts you know. That everything just kinda destroy and burn. But somehow i pick up those little bits of pieces and save it.. just in case.. who knows it work out at the end. Honestly, a part of me still believe, still fantasize and planning.. kalo tak, takkan lah i kept some information/help for my future self if she ever get married in the future.. And since we talked about marriage, we just go on with this okayy.. just bear with me ye or you could just skip this post. I wont mind.

My dream wedding keep on changing as i grow up. I tak tau lah sbb pengaruh semasa or just the media. But I used to loved big wedding and i be the center of attention. Only for that special day ye. But now, i more to simple but elegant. Tak perlu ramai orng. Ckup lah closed friends and family je. I was thinking 250-300 max. Cukuplah. Reramai pun buat apa. I rimas dan rasa semak ye. Oh, I tak nak ada bridesmaids. And taknak ada pengapit. I rasa tak perlu kot since tempat i tu dewan. Yang ni mmg dari dlu i nk dewan yg ada aircond ye sbb selain untuk diri i, ia juga untuk my guests. And i plan to do it at night, under the stars. Tpi tak nmpk lah star nyer since dalam dewan.. kau rasa? kalo nk sgt gi luar dewan. Hahaha.. But if i had to have a pengapit, i nak fiqah who is my person to be pengapit i. Sbb dia ada positivity yg i need when im down. And bila i doubt, she can always take me away in a getaway car. Im serious okayy... I tau i ada buat janji dgn angah dlu psl nk jadi pengapit in each other wedding. But now i more to no.. In fact jadi pengapit angah ni pun i berat hati sebenarnya ye. Tpi nk buat mcm mne. Dia dh bagi kain dh pun so no way out i guess. I just hope on the day i kahwin, angah tgh sarat mengandung. Amin. Since majlis i buat malam, i was thinking to finish it in a day, means nikah petang, sanding malam. Mcm tulah plan i tapi tulah planning je.. It could change you know, not by me but by others. I yg terpaksa menerimanya ye. Hahaha..

But then this was all just a dream.. it was not really meant to come true. I mean, i wish it would somehow, someday.. I just hope for the best. Tapi tulah, the heart wants what it wants and it wants Joe. There is nothing i could do about it unless of course joe decide otherwise. But then it was like more to Joe or nothing. So yeah, im better off being alone anyway. Better like that kot. Hati i pun tak sakit. Kalo sakit pun, jap je. Esok lusa dia healing.

I had this conversation with my mom the other day. She was like so keen on me being open and just be friend with people. More specifically, people who were single and straight man. Yelah sekrng kn akhir zaman, so banyak je yg bengkok and actually a married man. I told my mom like i trained myself to say everytime this issue brought up. I did be open and be friend with many people that i come to know all the way. I bukan nyer terus shut people, taknak kawan langsung, sombong or whatever. Cuma nyer, dorng kene lah start the conversation because i wont do it unless perlu. And bukan nyer i tak balas msg tu. I balas kot cuma maybe dia akan nmpk mcm biasa2 je sbb dia tak kenal i lagi. So what they get is only my surface. They need to stay longer for my shell to be open and i need to make sure that they can handle the 'savage' of me. Thats what i told my mom lah.

The thing that i did not tell her is that my heart choose joe. I choose joe. I know he is the one i want to spent my whole life with, the one i willing to take risk with. And I dont know if i could love the next person more than i love joe. Sbb i rasa i already give too much, investing a lot on joe that i dont think it will be any left or enough for the next person. And im scared that i will not gonna put much effort when things go wrong. Like i could give 10% effort on saving the relationship. But that person need to do more because i am helpless. But that is all what i feel or think. Who knows when i meet the right person, everything will fall into place and it will be enough and equally.

But seriously, like i said before, i think im better be on my own. I know each people deserve someone in their life. I just dont think it was meant for me i guess? And kalo i tak end up dgn joe. I okay je be alone. Of course tipu lah kalo tak jealous or tak rasa pape, i bukan heartless even though i wish i was but i wasnt. So yeah. Tapi sebab dh pilih jalan ni, kenelah adapt, kenelah pndai handle bila these situation or feeling appear. As for kid, well, i can always adopt. Sekrng kn byk je yg buat dlu, fkir kemudian pastu end up terbuang. Kesian tau. But then i am like not really have any intention to invest in kids and education unless it was my education. So i guess i stayed with cats.. love them.. hahaha...