The throwback and the comeback

I took some time off to cool down. I took myself off with all these social things for awhile. Sebab tu i tak post pape last month. Sebab tu that break down post of mine was the last for july. The thing is, i thought i be okay. I thought i was already okay. I thought i was happy and move on and okay. But somehow i am not. That missing part was the worst. I hope the next time i feel that kind of miss wouldnt be that strong or worse. 

Now, I still try to keep up and live my life without he's in it. Oh i lupa nak ckp. I rasa lah mcm i lupa. Before before this kan i already block him and delete his number. Slowly deleting the conversation dari zaman matriks lagi. Lama giler kot. Tu tak campur lagi mesej2 dari zaman sklah lagi. Yelah time tu kan tak wujud lagi whatsapp ni. But that was all in my old phones. Reason i simpan fon lama2 i tu was because of this sweet innocent messages that i like to go once in awhile somehow. I know, cheesy kan. Hahaha.. But it was all the whole truth. Wlaupun tak ler slalu on fon tu and baca balik msg2 tu semua. Tapi pernah lah. 

I go back the other day, and somehow it never fail to put a smile on my face. Eventhough lot have change now but still, it was all a very good memory. It make me realize that everything was sweet and lovely that time. We both mmg jarang mesej. Maybe bila something happen or maybe bila rindu kot. Tapi sebab jarang borak ler that makes everything exciting. And of course ber jam2 gak msg. Ingt lagi kredit habis sbb mesej, sanggup redeem point nk dpt 100 free text. I rasa mcm lagi exciting msg ngan joe dri ashraf. Hihihihi.. Sorry. Lols. We flirt like crazy kot that time tapi still i tak pernah ada perasaan ske dri sorng kwn pun. Nak lak masa tu i tgh couple dgn orng tu lah orng ni lah. But ashraf was like the last and serious bf i ever had. I start ada feeling kt joe pun masa tu dh break ngan ashraf masa form 4. Tapi sbb tak nak ruin friendship ni, i pendam jelah. Wlaupun ada masa rasa mcm nk bgitau je. And then to prevent this crush become strong, i pun terima ashraf balik. 

But still, the feeling never goes away. I find myself missing joe and bila fon i bunyi, i was hoping it was joe. Yeah, obviously i cheat kn time tu. I know i was with wrong person that time tpi entahlah. Sampailah i rasa ashraf pun maybe dpt rasa how unhappy i was with him and that maybe we both in wrong relationship now. So we broke up but still i rindu ashraf tpi i tau feeling tu dh tak macam dlu pun. So i start to talk to joe and we were okay. Bagi i dapat borak dgn dia pun dah bahagiakn diri i. Still, i kept my feelings to myself only.

Then masuk matriks, i meet a few guys but somehow he is still on my mind. And wlaupun i tau dia dah move on and have a few gf but still, the feeling was there. And weirdly i tak rasa jealous langsung bila dia cite psl gf dia. I remember bgitau dila yg rasa dia tu mcm, ' do what you want joe, im not gonna be jealous because i know at the end, you were mine'. Pergh, confidence giler. Tpi really, i tak pernah rasa jealous sebab tu i pernh ckp lagu "Teardrop on my guitar' by taylor tu sgt tak sesuai tok i because there were never tear to be drop anywhere. Even though joe with some other girl, we still good. We still talk mcm dlu2. We still could fight and flirt and joke. Everything was really good compare to sekrng lah. And i knew some of his gf sbb dia kenalkn i as kawan baik dia. Terharu giler beb. Hahaha.. 

But somehow after i dapat masuk ukm masa tu sem 2 kot ke sem 3, nothing was the same anymore. Everything is changing. And wlaupun i tau i takde buat salah (that confident level though) but still i rasa mcm i ada buat salah sebab i msg tak jawab, call jgn ckp lah. It was so hard to get hold of him. I rasa adalah gak dlm 6 month dia senyap kn diri. But still i msg dia once in awhile hoping that one of those time, dia balas. Time ni mmg lah i ske dia dah tpi dia tak tau pun. And effort ni semua bukan based on i ske dia ok, more to like he was my best friend. And of course i worry kalo tetbe best friend i senyap mcm ni. If it happen to the girls or fiqah, of course sis gonna act this way. But somehow ada lah gak rasa nk give up nyer. So as usual, i pick his birthday to wish him the best. I dah give up dah time tu tapi time tulah tetbe dia balas. It was like, a sign mcm dont give up on me just yet.

We talked tapi tak lama and something was off. Pastu dia senyap kembali. And i rasa mcm sgt2 down. It was like half of me just die tapi hidup harus diteruskan. So i move on slowy and live my life. Dah kalo orng taknak kawan ngan kita, takkan kita nk paksa kan. But still feeling tu ada tapi tak kuat sgt. And in order to hapus kan terus, i pun berkenalan lah dgn a few guy. Had crush on this one particular guy and somehow lagu enchated always be dedicated to him. Then come to point yg i nk give up, i nk blah tapi i nk bgitau dia yg i ske dia so that i tak rasa regret sbb tak luahkn. So bila i dah luahkn, i can go on. I taknak tau jwpan dia. Kalo dia ckp tak ske i, bgus gak. Lagi boleh move on kan. Ala sakit tu sket je, lama lama okay lah. Mcm tak pernah rasa heartbreak je. Hahaha.. But then he told me he like me too and everything after this is a history.

Well, like you guys tau. Ckp ske but treat me like shit. So what i can conclude is that maybe he did like me but the time is not right. It is too late. Sbb i ske dia masa form 4 and confess masa sem 5. Adalh dlm 5 tahun kot. See, 5 years late. And maybe he said it sebab nk jaga hati i je and now he change his mind and hope i faham and blah. The reason i wrote this pnjang2, it just to remind myself the reason why i need to go on because nothing was the same anymore. Yeah, we had a great memories back then, but everything change now. He's move on and so i need to do the same.

It was not just the old messages i go through. It was also the old post i wrote for him, about him many many years ago. How suddenly we talked about marriage and all. How he talked about jodoh with me. And i have seen lot of change. Lot have gone out of its original track. I guess, if it meant to be, somehow we will find our back. Somehow but not for me, not for this story i wrote. Ours dont have a happy ending. Ours only had a happy memories that i like to go back once in awhile. You were my soulmate, my person somehow and you will always be my best guyfriend. But i guess it all end here somehow.

So yeah i need to be that happy nasuha again. The one that didnt care a thing. The one that wont let anything hold her down. The one that fearless and not really heartless sebab always has an aww moment bila nampak kucing. Hahaha.. So yeah, here's to the throwback and the comeback. Here's to start of something new. 

Oh btw, alhamdulilah. Along dh sah jadi laki orng awal Sept aritu. I pun busy gak that time preparing and tolong apa patut. But everything is done now and i wish and pray everything went well and happy for along and his bride. Tgk orng kahwin, rasa nk kahwin gak but then i remember calon i masih sesat nk cari i or maybe hilang dari radar terus calon i ni. Hahahaha.. And the amount of question psl lepas ni i kinda get old and annoying. But whatever, biasalah pak cik mak cik atok nenek sedara, that was the very common favorite question from them and unpleasant definitely not favorite at all question for someone like me. Hahahaha.. Lols.

Maybe it ends for good

I had a pep talk with my mom the other day. From ashraf to a few guys yg i kenal to joe. I could tell you details for each of it but it gonna be long, so just bear with me okay. 

I tak tau mcm mne ley terckp psl ashraf actually but i do know that i mention about talking with my ex macam biasa je sbb masing masing dh move on kan. And mommy was like is he your first love and of course i cakap ye. He was somehow. I mean i imagine my life with him. I thought he was the one for me, he was in fact my prince charming in shining amour. I even ready to settle down with him. Well, once upon a time lah. Hahahaha.. Mommy tanya npe kteorng break. Well, there is no more chemistry between us. Yeah, we love each other but it wasnt the same anymore. We both want different things, we both are different people. Break pun cara baik. Mutual. Memang lah sedih tapi it was actually the best decision i ever made. I tak pernah rasa lapang giler lepas break dgn dia. I mean it is not that it wasnt good. It was good. Cuma tu lah takde jodoh and i redha. Im pretty fine with it. Beside it was all past tense now. We both move on with our own lives now.

Then, mommy tanya psl abg saga yg slalu hntr i balik kolej lepas kelas mandarin or kekdg gi makan and borak borak. But we always talk in facebook so lepas i delete facebook, of course ler ter delete dia sekali.  I ada lah crush sket kt dia tpi sket sgt and kejap sgt sbb time tu kan tgh crush giler giler kt joe. And i guess he knows that i anggap kawan je sbb i layan pun biasa je. Takde apa pun. Kalo tetbe somewhere in the future terjumpa, mungkin ada jodoh kot? Hahahahaha...

I tak ingt yg i ada cite kt mommy psl this rebound guy yg i kenal pastu dia ajak kahwin. But yeah mommy asked me about him. Of course ler i tak ambik tau psl dia dh. Lost contact terus. Yelah, kteorng baru je kenal a few months, couple pun tidak, flirt tu perkara biasa. Then tetbe dia tanya bila boleh dia jumpa parents i. Eh, nk buat apa? Rupanya nk mintak permission nk kahwin. Well, i terkedu and i really know yg i tak ready and i memamg taknak. I baru 21 tahun kot that time. Im still young and wild and free. Im just not ready to settle down. So, i block dia and terus cabut lari. Senang ckp i lari lah macam amelia sherpard masa nk kahwin dgn owen hunt cuma dia dtg balik. I lari terus tak patah balik, tak toleh belakang pun. Mommy was like serious lah, tak patut tau, you should just stay and beside he really was ready. Yelah dia ready tapi i tak. And kalo i stay tak ke bermaksud yg i bagi dia harapan palsu. I taknak terima orng tu sbb i kesian. Ni soal kahwin. Kalo couple tu takpelah. Boleh mintak break je bebila, cheating pun tak rasa bersalah sgt. Ni kahwin kot. Besar responsibility dia. So i pun angkat barang and blah. It was the right thing to do. If i could turn back the time, i do exactly the same all over again. Seriously. 

Then, there was joe... Mommy tanya if dia ada call i tak. And i said no because we dont talk anymore. We had fight and im tired of being the one yg mengalah. Im tired. He just changed. And what he did last year, i still cant let go. Mommy tak side aku and tak side joe gak. But she did give me a good advice. Kinda good. I kan ego. Hahahaha... 

She told me that it is normal for a guy to change because they are trying to be mature. Bila dgr ni kan tetbe rasa mcm ok maybe it was my fault for being an ass sbb tak fhm dia. But then again, it is still doesnt explain why he did all those thing tahun lepas. And the fact that he didnt do anything. He didnt even stop me to leave. He just let me go. Maybe that whats he trying to do all this time. Cuma i je tak reti reti pegi. Tak faham faham. I pun ada advice for my own dear self. A very good advice i assure you.

"People change and they will constantly change. So just suck it up, accept it, move on and let go if somehow they are not fit in our lives."

 It is true though. People will change through out their lives. It was the way they improve themselves or finding themselves or just go on with their lives. We had no power to control the change and we cant control how we change. Kalo rasa macam tak boleh keep up or terima then just walk away. It was hard. Especially kalo kau dh kenal 10 tahun, dh biasa dgn orng tu, dh faham dh psl orng tu. After all, bila dua hidup dah sebati, tak semudah tu untuk dileraikan. But live has to go on kan...

 

It wasnt that easy actually. It was freaking hard. Everyday i battle myself whether i should text him or not. Even lepas mommy bagi advice tu pun i terfkir nk text dia, nk lpe semua ni. Tapi hati tak mahu. For the first time, the heart doesnt want what it wants anymore. And bila i hesitate, i know that i shouldnt go on with this text. Mungkin satu hari nanti. Mungkin. Beside dia pun takde cari i kan. I mean i tau i keep on block him, unblock him. But he can always call me or text me. He could if he care. And the way he did right now just shown the other way around.

This has always been one sided friendship. I give, he takes and thats how it work.  For the past few years, everytime i wanna just talk to him, he is too busy for it. He never been there when i need him anymore. And i try to be okay with it, i try to act tough and somehow it consume me. The reason nape i hold on selama ni pun sebab i fkir kita kenal dh lama, kawan dh lama. He kept on saying the same thing every time i point out rasa hati i. But what does it even mean? He kept saying it until i rasa macam perkataan tu jadi meaningless dh sekrng. Yeah, kita kenal dh lama but why does it feel like it was only me yg cuba pertahankan sedangkan you tinggalkn i macam tu je. Blah macam tu je. Bila you rasa you perlukan i, you datang. Tapi bila i perlu kan you, all i had was nothing, all i get was silence from you. I wish you can just admit it that you move on from us as friend which is fine for me by the way but just admit it. 

To be really honest, i still wait for him though. I still am somehow. But it has been 2 weeks and his name never shown up on my phone. Maybe it is time to give up now. If there is no reason to stay, maybe it is a good reason to leave now. Beside sampai bila nk tunggu kann??? Ada gak lah fkir nk random msg dia tpi i nk ckp apa je, I rasa mcm i dh bagi point i now giliran dia lah pulak kan. But im tired waiting for him. I bukan mcm edward snggup tunggu bella for thousand years. Ajal pun bebila je boleh datang. So maybe instead of waiting for him, i should just focus on myself, of loving myself. 

Well, i wish that our story will be the greatest ever even though it did not have a happy ending. I always know we gonna go on our own way. It just never occur to me that it happen now and like this. I thought it will be when you marry the girl of your dream and i marry mine or not but it will be like dlm video clip Happy by Leona Lewis. Either way it gonna end anyway. We had our good and bad times and i cherish every moment i had with you. It sadden me that this is how it ends but somehow this is how it ends. Maybe somewhere in the future we meet again and we could laugh how foolish we both are or maybe we never cross path anymore. But i wish you the best in everything you do and pray that Allah always protect you and lead you. You were my best friend joe. You are. But im tired of waiting and fixing and making excuses and fight for it. Im really tired. At some point, we just have to accept it, let go and move on. Maybe this is the best for both of us. Maybe it ends for good.