Acceptance

 I did not feel like I was moving on, not completely. There was a time when everything seems so hard and all I want to do was curl up on my bed, cry my heart out while listening to Taylor Swift. But there was a time when everything was okay and I started to see the 'reason' behind everything happen for a reason. 

Of course, it did not happen in one night. And it is not depending on how many years you were together. That was a myth. It happens slowly but surely. It is not easy. But you get through it somehow. 

I know I'm going to talk mostly about weddings here but that just because he pop out the question then maybe he got cold feet and run away, and ask me to forget all about it as if it was just a meaningless word. Yep, so casually cruel in the name of being honest.

I might move on but I never forget. This was one of the wounds that leave a deeper scar and they last they last.

On Angah's day, he said he will come. It was a day he could not miss as Angah was his friend too. Even though I did not put high hope, I still wish he will come. I wear my best outfit at that time. I was preparing myself to meet him. I kept texting him to update him. I'm searching for his familiar face. I texted and then I called. But everything was left unanswered. Even though I put my brave and happy face on, God knows I'm falling apart deep down inside. I never get even an apology or some petty excuses. I think that was the turning point. And that was the moment I knew.

On Nadh's day, I still hold on to his words. I still hope that everything will be fine again. I imagine this was could be us one day. It will be perfect and we look so happy. 

On Mai's day, I already let go of the idea of us but there was always this 'what if' lingering in my head. I still hope he changes his mind and that he would come back. He will say all the right things. He will be here... and I would've been so happy.

On Farah's day. Honestly, I did not feel anything. I no longer hope. I knew we never stood a chance and that we will never be meant to be together. And for the first time, I am fine with that. I started to see why it happen the way it happen. I started to accept, that everything happens for a reason. I can no longer picture us together again. That dream or imagine was just a pigment that was slowly fading away, blown by the wind. Yes, I do miss him, miss us, and that the flashback sometimes crept back. But it goes away as time goes by. And it didn't feel hurting like it was before. 

And I started to see changes in myself after I have redha with everything and accept for what it is. I no longer has to fake a smile or pretend that I was happy and that everything was fine. Now I could say I'm genuinely happy. Happy with my life, happy with the choice I made. I no longer force things and let everything run its course. If it is meant to be, it will be. I am starting to write again. Not a lot like before but one or two posts a month was enough. Getting my old self back was not easy, but I started to love every bit, piece of myself. I think for now that's what's matters.

To be married or living a happy single life, that's the question.

I believe everyone has a dream of how their wedding goes, what kind of dress that they will be wearing, what are the theme, where this wedding will be. And if you have a significant other, you will imagine him/her beside you and how will it be. I bet you will be set on what age will you get married.

The dream is a dream and the plan is a plan. Sometimes it did not go the way we hoped for. But sometimes it did. 

I always imagine I will get married when my age turns 25. Or the very least, 26 or 27. But guess what, I'm way past 25 and 26. It does not seem it will happen at 27. So I could say I can kiss that dream goodbye and never think about it. 

When he popped out the question and even though I never said yes. But we did talk about it, dream about it, and plan about it. For the first time in my life, I really thought that I did finally found the one and that I am going to spend my entire life with this person. It feel surreal and I was ready to give my all. But then, we were done and it is over. It recks me like the titanic ready to sink. I feel numb like I was in a cold sea, waiting to die like Jack Dawson. It was a really cold, painful, heartbreaking, and sad journey. Something that I hope I will never ever face again. Honestly.

It did turn me into a bit cold person but never was heartless. I believe that everyone is destined to be with someone. And maybe just maybe I will find the one that I have been looking for. The one who did not easily change his mind, the one who did not leave me thinking I did something wrong, the one who did not walk away when things get hard, complicated, and real, the one who walk the talk.

But then even if he never comes around. I think I will be okay if I'll end up alone. I mean a significant other doesn't change my value or define my life. If I'm not with someone doesn't mean that I'm not happy. I have these close friends, my lovely family, and a career that I enjoy. It is more than okay.

I had this 'coffee talk' with my mom. And for the first time, I say it out loud, I never know if I want to get married. I mean I could find someone on Tinder, I could boldly talk to Ashraf on this crazy scheme but then, the question is, was I ready or want to get married in the first place?

It was not that I still did not move on or recover from the last heartbreak. I mean I think I was still in the process. But then that was a petty excuse when the reality is that I do not know if I ever want to get married. 

Please don't feel sorry or pity for me. Just be happy for me. Not all the same. Some really want to get married. but did not find anyone yet. So they create this tinder account or sell themselves on social media just to get attention to those who are looking for someone as well. If it works for you, that's good. I won't judge anyone for their choice but I shouldn't have participated in things that are culturally expected for my generation. This isn't just a fit for my style.

I'm starting to readjust my thinking about relationships and what makes a happy life. I am focusing on myself to really evaluate what makes me happy in life. I want to be a better person. I want to focus on growing, traveling, soaking up all the wonderful life events without worrying about finding Mr. Right.

Maybe one day in the future I'll meet someone, they'll spark something in my soul. Maybe that fairy tale is out there for me. I'm not saying that I'm completely put high hopes on it. If it happens then I will be able to go into it with a clear head. I will have learned how to love myself know what I want and need in life. If it doesn't come I also won't be devastated. Perhaps it just isn't in my cards. I may end up with a few cats but it doesn't make me a crazy lonely cat lady. In the end, I will have lived a fulfilled life with no regrets. 

Hey, I don't know, maybe I end up alone but you know what, maybe that's okay. Just pray nice things for me, and just be happy for me for whichever choice that I choose.

Forgive yourself

 I believe that when you are on your own and you took some time to self-reflect, you realize that there a million stupid things you did and that oh-so-wrong decision. Seriously, what was I thinking? But then if you look back, it somehow makes you who you are today. This is when people say things happen for a reason even though you did not know what it was. But eventually, you do. 

Honestly, holding on to a one-sided relationship or friendship seems like an idiot move but that time you feel like this is that one person who understood me and then there are these memories that we had all this while. I can't just push aside and act as it did not exist. Cause it did. I hate when people said that every relationship or friendship has an expiry date cause I believe in forever and I am all for a long haul. But that's how life works and people are people, they are not bound to stay in one place. They grew apart and grew up. 

Letting go of a 15years of relationship was not easy but it was a thing that I know I had to do. I feel like I did not who I am anymore. I could feel little pieces of me being shredded and burn. The worst thing was that there is literally nothing I could do except stand and watch it burns. But after quite some time, you just grew tired with this shit and you start to look for a way out. You start to make a list of the staying and the leaving. And even though a part of you fighting to not let go but you did anyway. One day, when it decided, you just pack your things and leave a goodbye note. 

A few months was not easy, you start to battle with yourself again, that this was a wrong move at all. Who the fuck leaving more than a decade of relationship. Seriously! But you did. And slowly you start to pick some pace and move on. The 'he' just a figment of memory that exists at the back of your mind. Even though I like to go there sometimes just to reminisce but most of the time I was good. 

And it becomes even better when you start to forgive yourself. 

Forgive yourself for the wrong thing you did. Forgive yourself for that stupid decision you made. Forgive yourself for stay and holding on so long, thinking that someday he will change and realize. Forgive yourself for putting too much effort and hope into this sinking ship. Forgive yourself to look best on people even though they treat you like shit. Forgive yourself for leaving when it no longer serve you and make you happy. Forgive yourself for losing the best part of your old version. Forgive yourself for loving too deep and innocently. Forgive yourself for the wasted tears you shed in the middle of the night when the memories and flashback came creeping back. Forgive yourself for closing too many doors when you thought you had finally found the one.

But the most important thing, forgive yourself for not putting yourself first, not to love and cherish your own self as now you get a chance to do it. So cherish every bit of it. Life too short for this almost-uncertainty love. Open those door and your heart as great things awaits you in front. Good things take time, so trust His timing.

25th

Alhamdulilah. Reaching my suku abad with gracefully and happily and positively. 

Not so much to hope or expect but i pray for more happiness and fun for many many years to come.  

It just 25 but still i still got lots in front of me. Many things to do, to fulfill, to reach and to experience. And i cant wait to be in those adventure.

Back then, i imagine myself settling down in this age. Meet a great guy who i want to spend my whole life with. Be a good wife and mother. It just not imagine. I was planning to settling down in this age. In fact when joe pop out the question, it did register my mind and i really thought this was it. This is what i have been waiting for. This is what im fulfilling and settling it.

But we only plan and Allah decide which the best path for us. And alhamdulilah. I thankful Him for this.

After awhile i realize that a dream is just a fantasy. It is free and it is lovely. I know for a fact i am not ready to settling down now. I know that i got a lot of things i want to cross off first. I know that i am nothing close to wife/mother material. And it is okay. Arya Stark just let down a man who he had crushed on because she want to see the world. She is spiritual and free. And somehow i was a little bit like her.

Maybe in 3 or 5 years i will meet a man and settling down. And maybe he was already here but like always timing is everything. But i hope for the best. I pray for the right path for me. Either path is fine for me.

But most of it is i thankful for granted for a better health, wealth and everything. Alhamdulilah. Alhamdulilah.

Everything happen for a reason

After quite some time feeling depressed and useless and a few post of regrets and negativity, the sun is finally shine again and new beginning awake. Hope is all in us. But in this one, it is in me? Hahaha..

Alhamdulilah, finally i settle with a job that well, not perfect but it was enough for now. I had the desk that i always wanted and a fix hour that i always wished. Alhamdulilah, after a few bump roads, i finally settle for an almost perfect position as claim officer. Yeah, sis tak lari dari insurance industry but this is way better since i tak perlu lagi nk hadap sales. Kene fkir mana nk korek sales. Now, i just process the claim, siapkan kerje i and tak perlu fkir apa dah. Balik just chill je. Alhamdulilah for this kind of opportunity. Im like so thankful that i feel like i wanna fill in this post with my gratitude to Allah. Alhamdulilah alhamdulilah alhamdulilah.

After a month and get my first paycheck after so long, i decided to post it. I mean i dont wanna jinx it like i used to before this. Yelah dlu lepas AIA and start with Allianz and then almost with Teledirect but now Henner is part of home. I hope everything goes well and paling kurang pun setahun lah i kat sana but still hope for much longer years. Dia nyer benefit was so much better. With a good medical benefit and increment on salary after a year. Salary okay, lebih sket dari AIA and at least they are firmed with the salary wlaupun tak betul waktu dia masuk kn duit sbb ikut France kan. But okay lah dri Allianz. Tanya nk salary bape tapi end of month habuk je dapat. Pastu bagi alasan kata nk kene setelkn training dlu. Stupid. Give me false hope. Well, i hope you get what you deserve at the end. I wish nothing not even the best. 

But then i believe things happen for a reason. If these thing tak jadi, i wont know that these kind of people exist in this world. I learn a thing or two through this experience. I should have asked more. I should be cautious. And most importantly i should have follow my heart. Sebab actually dari awal lagi i ada bad feeling. Kalo tak takkan lah i still searching for a new job before i even start the job. Go for interview and searching and applying some more. Then on my very first day i start my job pun i dah start cari kerje lain. Not to mention i waste quite a few hours waiting for my boss. I basically tak buat pape pun on my first week. Takyah ckp lah apa i rasa seterusnya. It was a very very bad feeling. I tak pernah rasa benci kat orng mcm ni tau. Slalu tahap tak suka je. And i never felt this broke. 

Then, with teledirect, i took it because i need the money. Walaupun ye i boleh je pinjam kat parents i dlu but u paham tak on your age and you still borrowing from your parents. I feel so ashamed with my own self. And i guess that is when this depress and useless and overthinking feeling came. I was in a dark place for quite sometime but alhamdulilah im better now. I was fine and im finally allow myself feel happy. I make myself busy with work so i wont think about joe so often. I redha with everything even though there were time when he visited in my dream or a glimpse of his reflection appear in my mind when i on train and this butterfly feeling, it always there and always will i guess, for now. 

I believe that things happen for a reason. And i believe it occur in the first place to teach us a lesson or two. Even though sometime it take time to realize the reason of it happen is for what. But somehow soon or later, you would see it and trust it make sense in the end. Like if i tak join Allianz, i wont get myself an ipad walaupun ada kemungkinan i memang akan beli nnti in the future but now i got sooner. Hihihi.. and of course jumpa this kind of people and be in this kind of situation. Everything happen for a reason. It always does. It just take some time for us to realize the good side of it. 

Btw, selamat berpuasa semua :)

Oh well.. lets move on..

Alhamdulilah.. after some time battling with my own thoughts, i finally get myself out of these misery. I feel like for the first time in forever i feel free and happy and well nothing to think and worry about. Yelah, if you guys read post i before this kan boleh nampak actually how i try to fight this thought/demon. Kept telling myself that i can do it. Fake it until you make it they say. But you know deep down inside of you, you cant fake it and you grew tired of fake it and convincing yourself. I quite relieve that i finally let these thing go. Kinda grateful that things happen and i get myself a reason to walk away.

Bayangkanlah ye i feel as though i was jobless these past few month. My paycheck never arrive, same goes with my commission. I sent my resignation letter last Thursday on 21st. I passed it kat Tini, the HR yg handle i and interview i. Then i sent a short message to both my boss. Boss i dua orang ye and dorng a couple. I lambat sket pickup as i always assume they together but taknak lah fkir lebih2. But yeah, they together. Tapi tak kisah lah. Peduli apa aku. So i sent to my male boss ckp yg i after some thinking, i decide to part ways as i did receive another offer from other company. And i know that i can do this part time but i choose not too because i scared that i could not achieve the target. Then i say thank you for the opportunity and knowledge these past month. And i apologize for not being there long and sorry for the misunderstanding psl gaji tu. I ulang balik ye apa i ckp psl gaji n commission tu. And dia balas okay. OKAY JE??!! I taip punya panjang wlaupun takde lah sepanjang i msg joe aritu. And dia balas okay je. Come on. Joe was so much better tau. At least dia balas panjang gak walaupun kadang dia suka hntr sket so nmpk mcm short but it is not. Ughh..

Oh and my female boss, i just say thanks for the knowledge and sorry for not being there long and sorry for any wrong i doing. And i wishing the best. Ni lagi best. Tak balas langsung. Tetbe teringat lak how dia, nope, my male boss yg kinda pandang rendah kt i. Byk kali gak lah i mcm hurm.. what is his problem actually. Like masa i tnye psl bila boleh download apps tu, dia ckp yg lepas i dapat agent code i, i dh boleh lah download. But you should come see me bcoz i doubt you can do it. I mcm.. like seriously.. and i boleh buat ok cuma masa tu ada miscommunication skit psl username. Manalah i nak tau username kat apps and website lain. Satu kene capital, satu mcm biasa je. Lain kali mention lah. I boleh buat okay. Byk gak lah actually dia pandang rendah i. I tau lah i kadang mcm nmpk slow innocent baik je. But dont fool with my outside because i just show you what you need to see. After a while, maybe u can see how my behavior is. Totally opposite ye. Most people yg dh kenal i lama ke or selesa dgn i would see how different i was. Most of my classmate ukm i ingt i ni ayu beb. Last2 tgk setan jugak akhirnya. And tina always thought im the gentle and soft person. Turn out i could be harsh sarcastic savage person. Well, nice to meet you too. HAHAHA.. Come on lah, takkan i nk tunjuk the gem inside of me on our first meet?

But here is the best part. Dia terus remove i dari group ye. I mean i was thinking to remove myself the next day. But she did an honor by removing me. Oh well, thank you? i guess.. nevermind.. whatever.. I put it in the past.. Gotta shake it off right..

So, now.. i was waiting for my offer letter and insyallah will be starting my first day this Thursday, 28th. I hope everything went well and i stay much longer this time around. Amin amin..

2019: Healing year

After took some time off last year, it is time for me to get myself up again. So im deciding to start to write again. I find it as a therapy actually. Kinda like a diary but with people read it. It is not that private like a diary but sort of. I mean dah kalo kita tak byk followers or takde pun, sape je nak baca?? Daaa... But of course the private things i might kept it as a draft but so far there is none just yet. I plan nk start writing up again but using a book, a diary instead of posting it in the blog. But then i was like so freaking lazy and plus i want to be environment friendly. You know that one tree is being sacrifice for one page. Imagine if there were 100 pages for each of 100 books. The world will be freaking hot without the tree and then there was apocalypse. Lols. Just messing with you.

So whats up with me?

Well, 2018 was not really all that great year for me. I fall into a very darkest place in my life. Honestly, i lose myself. I dont even know who i am. Im not happy and i am not even that sad. I cant even remember the last time i had a good honest laugh and i cant even remember the last time i had a genuine smile. I can think of all the happy moments but it just feel blurry and i am pretty sure that girl was not me. I dont know what i wanna do with my life. I dont even know what the purpose of living. Well, i know. It just that i am freaking tired to even think about it. I penat. Penat sangat with everything. All i could feel is that i want to crawl back to my bed and just stared the ceilling. Really though. When do life gets this hard?

I ingt lagi masa tu i dah nak habis belajar dah and my mom ask me to apply job kat LinkedIn and Jobstreet and sent email to some of her colleague. Tapi korng faham tak bila kita tak rasa nk buat bende tu. So i procrastinate but i think i end up doing kot. Then i dapat kerje ngan AIA early April last year. Alhamdulilah. I mean i was depressed but i just go with the interview. Not really put high hopes or anything. But alhamdulilah dapat. So i try to think positive and hope for the best. Kerje baru hidup baru. But naaa.. dh kalo down tu mmg down pun. It just that im good in faking my face. My team mates is nice and lovely. I actually have fun with them and I even loved them to bits. I mean come on lah kalo tak takkan lah i attend wedding kawan i tu siap jadi bridesmaid lagi tau and then keluar gi memana je. Karok, wayang, makan, you named it girl. I did enjoy my days with them and everything. But any good things, it need to come to an end. And beside i am not happy there anymore. I stay working there is because of tina and erma and my teammate. Kalo ikut kan hati i dah nk chow lama dh. I dh start gi interview, job hunting while i didnt do anything. But no such luck. The job that i want doesnt want me. And the job that i kinda dont want, want me. But i refuse to take it because of the job and the salary. So i kinda dh niat. And at the end i got job offer which i take it. It wasnt my choice/dream job, but the salary is ok. And since i dah niat, i take it. So yeah im officially no longer with AIA. And honestly, i feel lot and lot happier. I did you know.

But of course i miss being travel and being around with my teammates. With the job i had before, i got to travel to Penang mostly and Johor with my teammates. So, kerje plus jalan jalan. Nak lak tu boleh claim everything. Sape je taknak wei. Peluang jangan dilepaskan. The new job i had will make me lose that travel thing. Because mostly i will be around kl or selangor and be in office 9 to 5 like normal people. Lols. I hope for the best though. But then if it doesnt suited me, i can always walk away and find a better job. Hahaha.. So yeah, that is basically whats going on with my life for the past last year. I know, i left out about joe. Well, things did not turn okay between me and him. He distance himself and i could feel like he regretting of the married question he asked me before. And i lose all my strength to fight back, to save the relationship/friendship. I fall hard and like i say before, i am tired. I do my best before. I fight till the end. I hold on to whatever i can reach. But it all falls apart anyway. I cant do this alone. I cant steering this ship all by myself. I need him. I need joe by my side to hold it together. But he left. And i am done chasing him. But we both still talk. I guess we both stick around for the sake of this friendship. Ok, enough. I think that is all.

For 2019, i wanna make a change. I wanna start fresh like new year, new me. Cliche but true. I want to heal.

You know how i never believe in setting any goals or resolution for a year because i know for the fact that i wont accomplish it? But this year, i want to make goals/resolution. And i will try my very best to achieve all of it. Insyallah. I nk tampal siap2 kt almari i so that bila i bukak almari i, i nampak bnde alah tu. So part of it is 1) finish read at least 5books this year 2) be more healthier and fit 3) go travel at least one place 4) control my spending and save at least rm500 every month

As part of healing... I really dont want to fall in that deep dark hole anymore. I dont want to get through the things i felt throughout 2018. I dont want to swallow those pills anymore hoping that i didnt wake up tomorrow. So for a better mental health this 2019. I welcome my depression but with also helping myself. I let myself crawl to bed and feeling helpless. But i also will make myself feel better next day after recharging or whatever. I wanna be better and happier. I am healing inside and out.

And i also think it is time for me to move on and growth. All these time i let myself attach to joe. He was my rock. But im a kite. I soar up above the sky. Im gonna let loose, let myself be free and explore the world. I love joe and i always will do. But i think it is time for me to let him go and go on with my life. Let the time decide. Let everything go with the flow. I believe if it meant to be, it will be. Jodoh takkan ke mana. Kalo i dgn joe betul dijodohkan bersama, i percaya Allah akan temukan kiteorng balik. Sbb bagi i kalo kita takde jodoh, mcm mne i paksa pun, it wont work.. So buat apa nk penat kan diri kan? Just let it be. If it meant to be, it will be. I hold on to that words.
 

I appreciate to those who stay in my life and also for a lesson left by those who leave. I wish nothing but the best to those who i cut ties to and who also cut ties with me, those who i pretend did not see in real life, and didnt like any single post in the social media, the one i unfriend or unapproved in any of my social platform. To those who stay... whether we know each other quite sometime or just known each other and we get along super fine, thank you for accepting who i really am. I hope our friendship carry on and survive this 2019. I pray you all the best in achieving your goal this year and may Allah ease everything you do.

I do not know what to expect this year. But i hope the best. I hope there is a rainbow waiting for me at the end and sunshine that light my day everyday. I pray Allah ease me in things i do, the job i choose to. I pray i will be lot happier and smile and laugh this year. I am loving the new me. I accept everything i am. I am a warrior, a survivor and i dont give a fuck of things people say. I love me and i know who i am.  I am ready. So bring it on 2019.

I am not weak

I keep on changing my mind. I could go from i stay here forever waiting for you to i deserve better baby im fabulous so goodbye. This has go on forever and ever. Depends on his action actually. Sebab aritu i whatsapp dia tak balas tapi whatsapp story ley lak upload. Seriously what the fuck man? Then i text him jokingly and he replied wlaupun tak borak lama tapi janji ayat dia buat i tersenyum sorng. So you guys could guess that i have change my mind again. Sadly true.

So i rasa rather nk planning and hoping. I should just let it flow and see where it goes. If it meant to be, it will be so i should just let it be.

I am not weak. I know i deserve better somewhere deep inside of me. But sometime we just took whatever love we thought was meant for us. Maybe joe is my second prize just like i was to his. Maybe we both are second prizer. And yeah i admit, i malas nak cari. I believe that if it meant to be, we find our way somehow. So who knows tetbe kan i jumpa jodoh i through grab or just one of the co worker. Bcoz honestly we do not know how our lives turn out to be in the future. Love might come in our lives in unexpected way, surprising us in some way. 

But believe me when i said this, after i reach my 30s, all of these will be just some idea i made when i was in my 20s. Bcoz after 30s i am done about marriage and love. Ye maybe tetbe jodoh mula hadir dan ketuk pintu hati i. But that was some kind of story. But really bila i reach 30s, i dah tak nak dah cari ke usaha ke cuba ke. No, i am so done. Like ada, adalah. If takde takpe. Bcoz when we, us women reach our 30s, we are somehow independent on our own, probably own a house and a car, spending money to our mom and dad, a stable job and a happy content life. I know once in awhile kita akan rasa lonely. Takpe beb, go and adopt kids or cats. And since i tak suka budak so cats will be my only solution. But i be fine on my own. travel and make memories.

That was just another dream after the 30s.

And for the 20s.

Well, i still am stand here, waiting for joe or someone who can fulfill my hopes and dreams. I go with the flow and see where this will go. Is it gonna be forever or is it gonna down in flames. But honestly, these day i took really slow and took my time, i realize that maybe hati i memang dah tawar skit lah dengan perangai joe ni. And somehow i was hoping and pray that it wont work out at the end, that he did something so terrible that im gonna shut him off for good this time and forever i hope. 

The throwback and the comeback

I took some time off to cool down. I took myself off with all these social things for awhile. Sebab tu i tak post pape last month. Sebab tu that break down post of mine was the last for july. The thing is, i thought i be okay. I thought i was already okay. I thought i was happy and move on and okay. But somehow i am not. That missing part was the worst. I hope the next time i feel that kind of miss wouldnt be that strong or worse. 

Now, I still try to keep up and live my life without he's in it. Oh i lupa nak ckp. I rasa lah mcm i lupa. Before before this kan i already block him and delete his number. Slowly deleting the conversation dari zaman matriks lagi. Lama giler kot. Tu tak campur lagi mesej2 dari zaman sklah lagi. Yelah time tu kan tak wujud lagi whatsapp ni. But that was all in my old phones. Reason i simpan fon lama2 i tu was because of this sweet innocent messages that i like to go once in awhile somehow. I know, cheesy kan. Hahaha.. But it was all the whole truth. Wlaupun tak ler slalu on fon tu and baca balik msg2 tu semua. Tapi pernah lah. 

I go back the other day, and somehow it never fail to put a smile on my face. Eventhough lot have change now but still, it was all a very good memory. It make me realize that everything was sweet and lovely that time. We both mmg jarang mesej. Maybe bila something happen or maybe bila rindu kot. Tapi sebab jarang borak ler that makes everything exciting. And of course ber jam2 gak msg. Ingt lagi kredit habis sbb mesej, sanggup redeem point nk dpt 100 free text. I rasa mcm lagi exciting msg ngan joe dri ashraf. Hihihihi.. Sorry. Lols. We flirt like crazy kot that time tapi still i tak pernah ada perasaan ske dri sorng kwn pun. Nak lak masa tu i tgh couple dgn orng tu lah orng ni lah. But ashraf was like the last and serious bf i ever had. I start ada feeling kt joe pun masa tu dh break ngan ashraf masa form 4. Tapi sbb tak nak ruin friendship ni, i pendam jelah. Wlaupun ada masa rasa mcm nk bgitau je. And then to prevent this crush become strong, i pun terima ashraf balik. 

But still, the feeling never goes away. I find myself missing joe and bila fon i bunyi, i was hoping it was joe. Yeah, obviously i cheat kn time tu. I know i was with wrong person that time tpi entahlah. Sampailah i rasa ashraf pun maybe dpt rasa how unhappy i was with him and that maybe we both in wrong relationship now. So we broke up but still i rindu ashraf tpi i tau feeling tu dh tak macam dlu pun. So i start to talk to joe and we were okay. Bagi i dapat borak dgn dia pun dah bahagiakn diri i. Still, i kept my feelings to myself only.

Then masuk matriks, i meet a few guys but somehow he is still on my mind. And wlaupun i tau dia dah move on and have a few gf but still, the feeling was there. And weirdly i tak rasa jealous langsung bila dia cite psl gf dia. I remember bgitau dila yg rasa dia tu mcm, ' do what you want joe, im not gonna be jealous because i know at the end, you were mine'. Pergh, confidence giler. Tpi really, i tak pernah rasa jealous sebab tu i pernh ckp lagu "Teardrop on my guitar' by taylor tu sgt tak sesuai tok i because there were never tear to be drop anywhere. Even though joe with some other girl, we still good. We still talk mcm dlu2. We still could fight and flirt and joke. Everything was really good compare to sekrng lah. And i knew some of his gf sbb dia kenalkn i as kawan baik dia. Terharu giler beb. Hahaha.. 

But somehow after i dapat masuk ukm masa tu sem 2 kot ke sem 3, nothing was the same anymore. Everything is changing. And wlaupun i tau i takde buat salah (that confident level though) but still i rasa mcm i ada buat salah sebab i msg tak jawab, call jgn ckp lah. It was so hard to get hold of him. I rasa adalah gak dlm 6 month dia senyap kn diri. But still i msg dia once in awhile hoping that one of those time, dia balas. Time ni mmg lah i ske dia dah tpi dia tak tau pun. And effort ni semua bukan based on i ske dia ok, more to like he was my best friend. And of course i worry kalo tetbe best friend i senyap mcm ni. If it happen to the girls or fiqah, of course sis gonna act this way. But somehow ada lah gak rasa nk give up nyer. So as usual, i pick his birthday to wish him the best. I dah give up dah time tu tapi time tulah tetbe dia balas. It was like, a sign mcm dont give up on me just yet.

We talked tapi tak lama and something was off. Pastu dia senyap kembali. And i rasa mcm sgt2 down. It was like half of me just die tapi hidup harus diteruskan. So i move on slowy and live my life. Dah kalo orng taknak kawan ngan kita, takkan kita nk paksa kan. But still feeling tu ada tapi tak kuat sgt. And in order to hapus kan terus, i pun berkenalan lah dgn a few guy. Had crush on this one particular guy and somehow lagu enchated always be dedicated to him. Then come to point yg i nk give up, i nk blah tapi i nk bgitau dia yg i ske dia so that i tak rasa regret sbb tak luahkn. So bila i dah luahkn, i can go on. I taknak tau jwpan dia. Kalo dia ckp tak ske i, bgus gak. Lagi boleh move on kan. Ala sakit tu sket je, lama lama okay lah. Mcm tak pernah rasa heartbreak je. Hahaha.. But then he told me he like me too and everything after this is a history.

Well, like you guys tau. Ckp ske but treat me like shit. So what i can conclude is that maybe he did like me but the time is not right. It is too late. Sbb i ske dia masa form 4 and confess masa sem 5. Adalh dlm 5 tahun kot. See, 5 years late. And maybe he said it sebab nk jaga hati i je and now he change his mind and hope i faham and blah. The reason i wrote this pnjang2, it just to remind myself the reason why i need to go on because nothing was the same anymore. Yeah, we had a great memories back then, but everything change now. He's move on and so i need to do the same.

It was not just the old messages i go through. It was also the old post i wrote for him, about him many many years ago. How suddenly we talked about marriage and all. How he talked about jodoh with me. And i have seen lot of change. Lot have gone out of its original track. I guess, if it meant to be, somehow we will find our back. Somehow but not for me, not for this story i wrote. Ours dont have a happy ending. Ours only had a happy memories that i like to go back once in awhile. You were my soulmate, my person somehow and you will always be my best guyfriend. But i guess it all end here somehow.

So yeah i need to be that happy nasuha again. The one that didnt care a thing. The one that wont let anything hold her down. The one that fearless and not really heartless sebab always has an aww moment bila nampak kucing. Hahaha.. So yeah, here's to the throwback and the comeback. Here's to start of something new. 

Oh btw, alhamdulilah. Along dh sah jadi laki orng awal Sept aritu. I pun busy gak that time preparing and tolong apa patut. But everything is done now and i wish and pray everything went well and happy for along and his bride. Tgk orng kahwin, rasa nk kahwin gak but then i remember calon i masih sesat nk cari i or maybe hilang dari radar terus calon i ni. Hahahaha.. And the amount of question psl lepas ni i kinda get old and annoying. But whatever, biasalah pak cik mak cik atok nenek sedara, that was the very common favorite question from them and unpleasant definitely not favorite at all question for someone like me. Hahahaha.. Lols.

Raya tahun ini

For me Raya celebration is all about well, celebrate the victory and to uptight the bonding between family and so on. I actually really loves Raya. It was my favorite of event sebab masa tu lah dapat makan ketupat lemang rendang and kuih muih. But what i love the most is the preparation, malam raya itself. Masing masing ada tugas memasing and masing masing buat and have fun. Alhamdulilah i still got a chance to feel those thing wlaupun maybe takdelah semeriah orng yg satu kampung bergotong royong. But it was nice. It feels nice. 

I actually ada impian nk cari calon jodoh yg betul betul ada kampung, yg memang dia satu family amalkn gotong royong malam raya tu. Rebus ketupat, kacau dodol, masak rendang, buat kuih or susun dalam balang sesiap and of course kemas rumah pasang langsir semua. Mesti syok and best kan. Tapi semua kene main peranan lah. Takmo lah ada yg curi tulang, yg dok ber selfie, ber insta story padahal tak buat apa pun. Pung pang pung pang mcm dia buat semuanya. Lols. But i do had that kind of dream of having that kind of event dgn future other half. 

Raya this year to be really honest tak semeriah tahun lepas. Bagi i lah. It was not sebab duit raya bcoz i think im on the age di mana duit raya tu tak dapat pun takpe wlaupun masih belajar lagi sebab ni bukan chinese new year di mana yg dah kerje tapi masih takde commitment still dpt angpau. Tapi i rasa hari raya aidilifitri pun patut amal macam tu. Imagine if that happen. I guess i be the fabulous anak dara tua lah. Lols. Or belajar lah selama lama nya bak kata my cousin masa dia bagi i duit raya sebab i still belajar lagi.Yelah sekrng ambik MBA, dlu marine science, lepas ni apa ek. Hahahaha.. Maaf lah i think my otak dh penat dh. I just wish my studies habis cepat pastu i nk cari kerje kumpl duit make my parents happy and proud and make treat myself everyday. Cakap n berangan tu memang mudah. Realiti nya lain. Lols.

The reason nape i ckp tak meriah tahun ni mungkin sebab tahun ni tak banyak raya rumah orng macam tahun lepas. Tahun ni banyak cut cut sebab ada wedding so senang jumpa sekali je kat situ. And tahun ni tak raya jb so tak dpt gi umah cik yaaa.. I ske gi umah dia sebab dia masak sedap wlaupun i kene tolong takpe i sanggup. Memang tiap kali gi jb, i akan tanye mommy and abah gi umah dia tak. Mcm bagi i wajib lah walaupun kdg2 tak dpt gi pun sebab tak sempat and walaupun ada lagi a few sedara kt jb tu tpi rumah cik yaa yg jadi pujaan hati sis. Cewah. Hahaha.. 

And raya tahun ni lah tahun pertama i tak raya dgn dia. Memang lah selama ni tak raya dgn dia pun. Sekali tu je i datang beraya rumah dia. Dia je tak reti dtg beraya rumah i. Kawan jenis apa niii.. hahahaha.. but yeah.. rasa pelik sebab slalu nya malam raya dah dok sibuk wish lah msg tanya baju lah apa lah. Tahun ni masing masing senyap bawa haluan memasing. Yg peliknya i tak rasa pun nk msg dia ke apa. I just like rasa rindu tu, rasa empty tu tpi lepas tu di bawa tiup oleh angin sbb last last i lpe and move on. Yelah 10 tahun raya dgn dia. Start tahun ni je dah tak. But im okay. Im good. No worries. I siap buat baris ayat lagu untuk dia wei. Inspirasi dri lagu raya yuna. "Mungkin dahulu terasa sepi. Wlaupun si dia ada di sisi. Tapi sekarang tidak lagi. " It fits right? I know. Hahahaha..

Anyway, selamat hari raya uolls.. Maaf zahir dan batin. I think it is not too late too wish sebab raya kan sebulan. Hahaha.. 

21st

Alhamdulilah. Masih diberi peluang untuk bernafas dan menikmati nikmat Allah. Dan alhamdulilah kerana dikurnai dan dikelilingi mereka2 yang menyangi aku n ohsem of course. Hehe.. 

An amzing surprise bday party from my family and coursemates tepat jam 12 mlm tdi. Xdelah tepat. But around that time. Before that my parents text ckp akan call kul 12mlm since tomorrow is my bday sbb slalunya i or dorng akan call dlm 11.45pm mcm tulah. But then nk dkat kul 12, my mom text ckp dorng dh smpai and turun lah. And i was like, xlawak kay. Pastu tgk kt tingkap as they requested, yep, they outside. Then dh turun smue tu, i thought dorng just nk kasi kek n spaghetti jelah, or maybe kluar minum2 kt kedai mamak kt bangi tu. Pastu tetbe ley lak abah nk test lampu baru dia tu kt tmpat parking sebelah PK sbb situ gelap sket. I pun xpkir apa lah kan. Then nmpk adik i. Yg adik lak ley pulak bwat2 ilang fon lah. I mmg dh rasa suspicious tpi layan jelah. Pastu tetbe kene baling tepung, dgn dorng jerit happy birthday. Dh tau dh sape.. Geng2 penang i lah tu n few yg laen. Sbb dri tahun lepas, mmg rutin kene baling tepung tok bday celebration. Tpi mmg xsangka lah dorng ada n complot dgn my parents.. gila terharu lah ngan dorng semua. And the gift.. aww.. xsangka.. rasa mcm nk nanges je. Eh xnanges. Cuma habuk terbang masuk mata. Xpun saki baki tepung tu. Hehe

Thanks sgt2 korng2 semua for the amazing 21st bday party. Thanks for the tepung, the cake and lovely present. Ya Allah terharu sgt2 lah. What a surprise. I love each and everyone of you so very much. Syg korng ketat2. Thanks for everything you guys did. :)) I mean it and cherish every moment of it.

Make a wish...

SESI SUAP MENYUAP

THE TEAM THAT MAKE IT HAPPEN!

Thats all.. Letak byk2 nnti hang lak. Hehe.. But thanks all.. Thanks so much for everything. I lap u! :)

Fun and great people

Actually masa mula2 nk blik ukm blik, serious i xnk kot.. i was like screaming not.. serious... i even ckp kt my dad yg i nk balik umah.. maybe sbb mind set 16th kot and now it was only 11th. I balik nie pun sbb ada perkampungan or kata lain dia persediaan tok program pesta cahaya which be held 30th March. Note that everyone. Meh dtg rmai2 meriahkn program cheq nie nah.. Bkn kene kluaq duit pun.. but ada karnival so kalo ada pape nk beli, kene lah kot..

My roomate xdpt join i tonight sbb dia kata dia xsihat. Ye ke? Gua xcaya lah. So, i tinggal sorng2 kat bilik. Mmg dh biasa keno tinggal sorng2 tpi lah nie rmai lgi kot bdk2 lain xbalik. Depa blik 16 nnti. Yng aku nie npe ckp loghat nie lak. Tpengaruh ngan cik lang kah? But yeah, i survive tpi tdo xlena. Bkn sbb takut. Sbb nyamuk mai dtg sedut darah ceq. Darah manis lah kata kn.. Haha.. cewah.. and my senior, kak surya sgt baik ati sbb belanja i bihun goreng. so sweet of you...

Ari pertama best. Roomate i pun dh dtg pastu ada jiran bilik i pun dh mai. So i am not forever alone. Mula2 mmg xtau nk bwat ape sbb dh lari sgt dri plan. Mana xnya, rmai yg xdtg. Hampeh btul. Tpi pling best program arinie. Sbb kteorng ada main game sket. Ice breaking. Best sbb dpt kenal kwn2 yg lain. Dpt kenal ngan sorng bdk kelantan nie. Charming. Haha.. Pastu ada senior i, abg irham saja je. I tau lah selama nie i sonyap je.. i mmg mcm tu mula2. dh lama kenal, mulut nie dh mau tutup dh tau. so seriously dont judge a book by its cover kay. Bkn ke ada pepatah tu ckp, shy people are always the awesone one once you get to know them. Anyway, abg irham ckp baru tau nasuha nie kbh, selama nie xtau pun. Xpe, Gua dh biasa dh jdi invisible. Thats my specialty power. *sarcastic. Tpi to be honest lah kan, dri ari orientasi lgi actually i dh pndg2 si abg irham nie. Bkn ape. Kdg2 tu dia nmpk mcm ashraf cme ashraf rendah sket. Yg nie tinggi. Xde ape yg serupa pun. Cme ada lah sikit2.. maybe i rindu ashraf kot. maybe.. lpe nk bgitau, faris baru add i kt fb. Setelah dua bulan lah kot gua tanya, baru sekrng nk add wa.. Tpi xpe. dh add dh pun. Dh approve lgi tu. Then kteorng ada chat2 sket lah. Dia tnye pasal result nk kluar nnti and wish me gudluck blah3. But somehow cara dia ckp tu kn akan2 mcm joe.. and it took me to past again. and it hurts. tpi pastu i okay. i keep myself busy kan..

And malam pling best. Mmg lah ada meeting bagai for esok nyer plan. But after the meeting. It get super interesting. I kenal ngan sorng girl nie. Her name is Ooi. She was siamese and she in lawyer course. Mmg byk ckp. Tpi best sbb mcm2 bnde share. Nk lak dia jenis yg ske adventure. She love to learn new thing and have a new experience. So kalo nk tau tempat makan yg best2 and murah2, she's the man. Haha.. tpi bkn soal food je dia tau. Ada gak lain like books.. tpi dia ckp mmg kalo dlm seminggu tu ada 4 or 3 kali lah kluar gi midvalley or pavi or just hang out kt kdai mamak ngn kawan2 dia. Yelah bdk undang2 snang. ada kete since dorng nyer fac tu hah, nun jauh di hujung ukm. Serious. Sunyi je i tgk fak undang2 sbb hujung sgt. Tpi mmg best lah. Borak2 smbil makan. Baru nk makn dinner + supper nie. Rasa mcm lepak kt kdai mamak pun ada gak cme dduk bersila. Mana xnya, background muzik bising ngan mcm2 suara lunak. Pastu abg2 senior tu pasang projector, nk tgk movie. Kn kt kdai mamak slalu mcm tu. Ingt nk join tgk movie sekali tpi since lgi 3 kwn i nie roomate xde, dorng nk blik dlu, i follow jelah. Xpe. Esok ada rezeki, kte bwat lgi mcm nie. Ye dakk? Haha..

Ari kedua smue bngun lmbt sbb smue gi tgk movies semlm smpai orng yg patut ditugaskn beli makanan pun terbabas waktu breakfast. So dorng trus brunch je. Tpi i, ooi, mira, ain n aisyah order domino. Dh lapar sgt. Lgipun smelm ooi xabis2 ckp psl domino, so tekak n perut nie pun dh memanggil nk sumbat domino. Lgipun dorng nk beli lunch pun lmbt. Kt kul 1 baru nk gi. Kul bpe lak dpt mkn kn.. Kteorng dh abis lahap domino dah time tu. So lepas abis mkn, kul satu je kteorng chow balik bilik since xde pape lagi nk buat. Lgipun kteorng dh dtg awal. So now nk relax2 lh pulak wlaupun tdi pun keje bkn nyer byk sgt. Hehe..

Malam xde wat pape pun. Lepas buat perjumpaan. Smue dinner. I, ooi, mira, ain and aisyah mcm biasa lah lepak smbil mkn. Mcm2 borak lgi. Psl fak lah, food, lecturer and boys. Ooi ckp kt fak enginnering byk guys yg good looking. I cant deny that sbb rmai yg ckp mcm tu. N i met a few.. Mmg hot2 belaka. haha.. But as you know.. i like staring but no crush no startruck.. kt ukm nie entahlah.. i xjumpa type i lgi kot. What type? I mana ada type.. just.. mcm mai ckp, i nie jenis yg ske guy who charming. Dia xhot sgt. He just average. Which was true. I xtau ape yg buat i attract kt sesorng tu. It just spontaneously.. There something about them yg buat i tertarik gitu. Tpi entah lah.. I m weird and my mind work the other way around kan.. Haha.. Mlm nie tepat kul 12 tgh mlm, result kluar. Ya Allah, sumpah nervous kot.. But i pray the best. I dh buat yg terbaik dh kot. I cme hrp xde yg fail, xde yg kene repeat. Take a feep breath nasuha.. Insyallah everything will be better. If not pun, next sem try much harder, try much better kay.. Just hope xfail. Tu je harapan i yg terakhir.. huu..

Hri nie pling best. Bkn sbb dia last day. Kteorng xbwat pape pun. Today, kteorng just turun breakfast and lunch. Kul 3 ptutnya ada perjumpaan tpi tgk xde pape pun so kteorng tnya kak surya ada pape ke nk kene buat. Dia kata xde, kteorng pun mintak izin nk balik bilik lah. Tpi tetbe ain ckp nk beli barang. Mira pun ape lagi jom gi the mines. I pun bkn nyer nk balik umah mlm nie. Esok baru blik. So jom jelah. Ajak ooi and dia pun nk ikut. It was really last minute plan. But it succeed. So tunggu bas nadi putra and naik ktm ke serdang. Smpai the mines gi beli starbuck. Pastu baru shopping2 kt giant. Kteorng shopping mcm housemate je. Mmg best. Kalo ada orng tgk pun mesti dorng fkir dorng nie shopping untuk brng rumah kot, mesti dduk satu rumah nie.. But actually we just in the same kolej. But it was fun. Nk pulak it was v-day. So kteorng mcm just 4 single ladies have fun. Bkn nk kata smbut ke ape.. Xsmbut pun.. I lpe kot vday. I realize byk sgt roses. Luckily i hate roses. So guy take note. Haha.. ape yg i merapu nie..

I rasa mcm dh lama xrasa mcm nie. I mean of course the girls. Just those people yg gila2 and we can get along pretty well. Dgn coursemate i pun blum gi mcm nie lah. Maybe later kot. Insyallah. Dlu kt kmj, geng2 mj lah bak kata dorng.. It was really fun. I wish i could do it again. Someday. Will do. Insyallah. :)
xoxo..

wish do come true

alhamdulilah.. i got an offer from ukm and usm. both are something i like. marine science. ive been talking about marine since i was in matriks and since i learn that chapter 1 sem2. i really love it except those phylum enchinodermata i think. those star fish. haha.. patrick2.. i didnt expect it. and neither did my parents. i think.

well, my mom wanted me to be a doctor. a dentist. to be honest. i do it for her. i mean dentist was okay. but its not something i love or passion about. i mean. i do hate blood. and the smell of hospital. but because mothers always right. i just apply it. if i ever get it, maybe theres where i belong. but i guess im not. after she knew what i got, she insist me for applying msu or whatever. but i told her, i love this. i really this. so, she respect it.

daddy doesnt mind. as long as i really like this course. he was just afraid i didnt. that i was playing around. and i get. it was the other way around dad. i really like it. i told you did i. i know we talked about forensic. and i really looking forward for it. but i guess im not belong there. xde rezeki agaknya. xpelah.

and as for me. im grateful. ive been wanting and hoping i got this since matriks. even though xdpt kat sabah. kat ukm pun jadilah. oh yeah, ive make my mind. im going to ukm. i guess wish do come true sometime. alhamdulilah. maybe still samar2 lagi what im going to do. but we figure things out. like always do. wish me luck guys! mommy and abah, thanks for having faith on me. and the girls and joe, thanks for supporting me. i love you guys so much. :)

19

Alhamdulilah. Still breathing. Still got a chance to celebrate my 19th bday. Thanks for those yg wish. Really appreciate it. Mommy and daddy keep asking me ape yg i nk for my bday and honestly i have no idea. So, i ask bnde yg basic,simple and senang. Dpt makn kat pizza pun jadilah. Xtau nap i crave tok pizza. dlm sebulan sekali tu adalh agk tetbe rasa nk mkn. tapi rasa je so still ley tahan lagi. Tapi dorng xpuas hati. So, i gave a gave up answer. Surprise me. And they did. They gave me things i always want it as a present. a perfume and a card. a bouquet of flowers that i love. and a place i like to eat sometime.

Pagi tadi, mai called ajak breakfast. Mula mmg malas. But then fkir qaedy last day. esok nk fly dah. i pun agree. so smpai kat diva, dorng buat2 tanya tarikh hari nie pulak. haish.. so, yeah they wish me and qaedy belanja breakfasttdi. thanks qaedy. nadia and farah wish as usual. Nadia pling semangat. Mmg tepat kul 12 dia whatsupp. aww.. so sweet. angah and family and my family wish i. nie wajib. haha.. nadh being unforgettable so dia lupa. yeah, dah biasa dah. haha.. tapi dia wish wlaupun dia terlupa. its okay nadh. thanks sayang. jgn lpe belanja i nnty. haha.. izz wish i. surprise. saje wish lmbt. my old friend, mzi wish i and we whatsupp smpai sekrng. lama kn.. my old crush or still crush wish i. and i flirt. i admit that. im not gonna lie about that. haha.. skndal kt kmj pun wish i wlaupun lmbt and i flirt. dia skandla i kay. haha.. dila and teha wish i. amalina wish i. nnek mcm biasa. hehe.. cucu ksayangan lah katakn. haha.. yeah.. tu je.. bunyi mcm sedeh je,,

Tah sedey pun. im happy sbb korng ingt. so sweet of u guys. trasa or trkilan je kot. This year ashraf xwish i. wlupun i nmpk dia on9. emm.. xpelah.. guess he already forget about me. actually he already since i wish bday dia aritu. Yep, thats my que to leaving. and i will.. i will.. joe pun xwish i this year. yg nie mmg trasa gila boleh x. he was friend. how can he forget wlaupun dia busy sekali pun. it just so weird. it didnt seem like joe at all. i buakn nk kata ape, but thing just different since that day we being honest. i guess things im feared the most finally happen. i lost him i guess. i should just shut up. it was a mistake, a big massive mistake, i shouldnt lead him on. i shouldnt say a thing. i ada text dia aritu but he never reply. he never did. and seriously i xkisah. i get to use to it. But not this one. this one is and exception. what happen joe? am i being to open? are you afraid? coz i am too.. but i guess its done now. its done.

Ape i nie cte sedey2 lak. okay, cut it. im happy. im 19. next year 20. may everything went well throughout my 19. insyallah. amin. and im gonna live this life and being happy like i use to before things happen. i mean, i still got a long way to go. we cant predict about the future. so, why waste planning it if we can hope and just go with flow and follow our own heart and intuition. nmpk x bly jadi ahli falsafah nie.. haha.. anyway, happy bday to me. fabulous 19 :)

ze present. thanks mommy, daddy and adik

gabriella.. rasnyalah. smpai sekrng xingt nama dia. but it was mmg fab tapi warna merah mmg nice lah but i love it.

smue pink. can u spot it?

Annual Dinner #BlokF

Today sgt awesome.. Masa bngun pagi tadi mmg malas gila lah. dahlah malas pun ada niat nk skip. but alhamdulilah, xskip pun. i still go.. i mean, i wrote my name already. xkn nk biar team member down kot. nope. i was not dah kind of person..

Ada sukaneka tadi. yelah. arini annual dinner kan. pagi tu ada lah aktiviti sket. best gaklah. paling best masa maen tarik tali sbb smue mmg team work and supporting abis. cayalah aras 4. haha.. and who know just because bnde mcm nie je dah buat kita rapat kan.. i mean, dulu kalo jumpa pun just senyum je. but now ley tegur sapa. haha.. tapi sayang, nk abis baru rapat ek.. xpelah.. at least we built some memories together kn.. oh btw, kitaorng menang tarik tali lawan ngan aras 2! wohoo! aras 2 tu dahlah maen tipu, psycho tinggi gila and bndan smue mmg gempak2.. tapi alhamdulilah, kitaorng menang gak.. have fun lah..

Then tadi annual dinner. Okaylah. tapi xmeriah sgt lah sbb cara atur majlis tu ada kurng lah. xpe.. nnti buat lagi grant ye. eventhought im not going to be there no more. but i had fun. makan nasi hujan panas.. sebenarnya nasi beriani lah tapi dorng pnggil mcm tu. so, kita pun ikutlah...

But im having super fun today and super duper lazy as well sbb xsentuh buku langsung today. like great nasuha.. haha,, but it was an awesome night. be crazy with dila and those aras 4 blok F.

#MS21

Semlm mmg awesome! Alhamdulilah everything went well and the crowd love it! Okay.. ape nasuha ckp nie? xphm lah..haha..

Well, last night we got drama competition. After a month of practice it, now its time for action. Mmg berdebar and nervous lah smue. Yelah. Takut kan if things went unwell. But alhamdulilah... it goes smooth and just nice. Xkisah lah if menang or kalah. Tu kan adat pertandingan. Janji smue have fun and dah buat yg terbaik kan.. Ohmy.. gonn amiss it somehow. All the hardwork.. hmm..

And somehow bnde nie smue buat bonding kita lebih stronger. Yelah, slalu susah kot nk get together. Clash ngan other plans lah. Mcm2.. This is the memory we all shall cherish and cte kn anak, cucu, cicit kita.. hehe.. Gonna miss it somehow...

okay... its a rep everyone... :)

#MS21 #SEMERAHPADI

A day with loves

I had fun with the girls today.. Rindu gila kat dorng.. Lama xjumpa lah katakan.. Sadly xckup 5orng sbb mai kene gi melaka lah pulak. So, we just drop by, say hello, hugging2 and snap some photo.. Okaylah tu. Tapi kalo dpt hangout 5orng lagi awesome ye dak..

So, kitaorng gi ikea. Laen dri yg laen. Yelah slalu hangout kat wangsa walk, klcc or pavi. Kali nie area damansara lak.. Lagipun nadh mengidam meatball. Kehendak nie.. Haha.. Rasa relax je jumpa dorn like everything in my head just gone missing. Dorng mmg penawar hati..

Plan nk balik malam tetbe nadh kene balik awal pulak. So, lepas hntr nadh balik, ingt nk jenguk qaedy. So, we met him at jj au2. Worried lah psal dia. Xpe qaedy. I know you are a very strong guy. You always are since dulu lagi.You can make it through this. Insyallah. And you pun a different person now. Proud of you. I wish you the best and a bright future and pray for you. Insyallah. Take care friend.

May this last forever :)

Shoes :)

Lunch with loves

Balik matriks.. again..

Haish.. mcm xcaye je dah abis cuti.. hmm... so, basically xde lah buat ape2 sgt cuti4 hari nie..

Ari jumaat tu, balik muar dulu sbb my bonda kat sini kan but my ucu yg insist nak ambik.. so, lepas dia ambik, singgap jap kat murtabak spore dekat rumah joe tu. Sedap lah gak. Not bad.. Then, balik rumah bonda, melantak durian sambil tgk cite despicable me kat laptok ngan lil cousin. Yep, nk ikutkan i abiskan masa ngan tgk movie je. haha.. tgk istanbul aku dtg ngan uda, si tudung tweet ngan uda and adik, beastly ngan along and uda.. see, i watch a lot of movie there..

Ari sabtu, daddy and mommy pick me up. Singgah Big Bad Wolf bookfare dulu. Mmg awesome! Insyallah, next year, kalo kesempatan nk gi lagi. Insyallah. Then , makan tomyam and sotong goreng tepung yg i kempunan sgt tu. Alhamdulilah. dpt gak merasa.

Ahad xgi mana pun. I watch my rerun Jane by Design,. How I Met Your Mother S8 and New Girl. Pastu gi tgk The Hobbit kt WWM. Best gila! 2jam kat dlm cinema. Tu pun xabis lagi. Nnti smbung part 2. Cbe bygkan kalo smbung, ada gak 5jam dlm wayang. Basicly i watch it with my family cousins and nieces.  Tpi really enjoy it :)

 

with nieces

lupa, melantak pizza with mommy early that. just us girl since my dad and bro gi wedding.

Isnin, siapkan assigment. Finally, siap pun. Alhhamdulilah. Pastu makan kat kenny rogers and then balik. Watching rerun of The Wlaking Dead pastu keluar with nenek. Lama gila xjumpa nenek. Tgk shopaholic with mommy smabil dia inai kuku kita. Yeah, i fall for inai tapi kat kuku jelah. Tangan xmau. Packing things and tdo..

Today, meet up with my girls. Rindu gila kat dorng. Then, ais tweet mintak tolong ambik video about what and why we love about malaysia. Sumpah funny tapi bestlah. Ais, you have to do lots of editing sbb kitaorng byk merapu kat situ. lols. Wlaupun dpt jumpa kejap and dorng but its worth it sbb rindu kot ngan dorng. Now dpt catching up things. Haaa.. raya cina jumpa lagi ye honey2 ku sekalian.. :)

with the girls (nie b4 mai dtg)

Oh, lpe nak bgitau. b4 i met with my girls today. I go breakfast with my parents. But before that, kitaorng ada ambik gambr. well, actually i je, my dad yg snap the picture. u guys tau kan yg ada wall dkt depan burger bakar tu, yg dorng ske buat gravitti yg sgt oh-cantik-gila tu, yg dorng mmg wajib tukar like every moth kot, and ive been dying to take a picture of the wall, well, today i did. i took a picture with it. Nie smue gara2 ada gmbr creature yg wrna kuning tu dlm despicable me tu. and i mmg dah fall in love ngan that minions since i tgk video bananana tu.. aww... dorng comel sgt. nnti nk cari patung dia lak.. haha,, mcm2 ah i nie..

Eh2.. dah lama kat matriks.. dah msuk sem2 dah pun tpi xsempat nk tunjuk bilik kita.. hehe.... well, this is my room :)

biasa je but this is where i sleep and do homework