I am not weak

I keep on changing my mind. I could go from i stay here forever waiting for you to i deserve better baby im fabulous so goodbye. This has go on forever and ever. Depends on his action actually. Sebab aritu i whatsapp dia tak balas tapi whatsapp story ley lak upload. Seriously what the fuck man? Then i text him jokingly and he replied wlaupun tak borak lama tapi janji ayat dia buat i tersenyum sorng. So you guys could guess that i have change my mind again. Sadly true.

So i rasa rather nk planning and hoping. I should just let it flow and see where it goes. If it meant to be, it will be so i should just let it be.

I am not weak. I know i deserve better somewhere deep inside of me. But sometime we just took whatever love we thought was meant for us. Maybe joe is my second prize just like i was to his. Maybe we both are second prizer. And yeah i admit, i malas nak cari. I believe that if it meant to be, we find our way somehow. So who knows tetbe kan i jumpa jodoh i through grab or just one of the co worker. Bcoz honestly we do not know how our lives turn out to be in the future. Love might come in our lives in unexpected way, surprising us in some way. 

But believe me when i said this, after i reach my 30s, all of these will be just some idea i made when i was in my 20s. Bcoz after 30s i am done about marriage and love. Ye maybe tetbe jodoh mula hadir dan ketuk pintu hati i. But that was some kind of story. But really bila i reach 30s, i dah tak nak dah cari ke usaha ke cuba ke. No, i am so done. Like ada, adalah. If takde takpe. Bcoz when we, us women reach our 30s, we are somehow independent on our own, probably own a house and a car, spending money to our mom and dad, a stable job and a happy content life. I know once in awhile kita akan rasa lonely. Takpe beb, go and adopt kids or cats. And since i tak suka budak so cats will be my only solution. But i be fine on my own. travel and make memories.

That was just another dream after the 30s.

And for the 20s.

Well, i still am stand here, waiting for joe or someone who can fulfill my hopes and dreams. I go with the flow and see where this will go. Is it gonna be forever or is it gonna down in flames. But honestly, these day i took really slow and took my time, i realize that maybe hati i memang dah tawar skit lah dengan perangai joe ni. And somehow i was hoping and pray that it wont work out at the end, that he did something so terrible that im gonna shut him off for good this time and forever i hope. 

Forgiven

Ehem ehem.. post ni takde kene mengene sebab ni bulan mulia, bulan puasa okayyy... I have been this kind of feeling lately and before this. Mungkin tanda tanda nak matang kn diri kot. Eh eh eh... Hahahahaha... 

But it was true. I became more forgiving lately. Time do heals i guess.. 😉

I remember masa i marah sgt on this person who was related to me. Dia lah punca im having depression masa tu wlaupun yeah joe yg trigger but still the reason is dia. I marah sangat dgn dia sampai i block dia kt whatsapp and just block dia terus dri hidup i. And kalo boleh i taknak jumpa dia langsung. I sanggup blah macam tu je bila tau dia ada kt situ. Yeah i salam dia and kalo dia tanya something, i jawab. Tapi macam tu jelah. Dia tanya sepatah i jawab sepatah. Im not gonna elaborate more cause i cant stand you close to me. But now i guess i change. I forgive dia for the things dia buat dulu. And pray dia akan berubah satu hari nanti. Lately kalo terjumpa, i dah tak rasa pape. I dont feel the need to fake ke apa ke. It was like dia ada, fine. Dia takde, even fine actually but whatever. I move on. I didnt hold any grudge at all. It was like i let go all the things he did. Nak kata lupa pun maybe lah unless if somehow somewhere something trigger it back. For now, everything's good.

Then, along. Well, of course i marah kt dia masa i dapat tau dia break dgn kak dewi and back to ex dia si minah tu. Mmg lah dah takde jodoh nak buat macam mana kan. But still, if dia couple dgn orng lain, i be like totally fine with it. Some random girls rather than si minah tu. First of all, i marah kt along but still he is my cousin. Slalu kalo dia dok sibuk tanya psl kak dewi boleh nmpk lah betapa cold nyer i. I pernah ok cakap dgn dia dgn penuh sarcastic, heartless, mean and cold. Like i did to joe the day he called me. Tapi maybe sebab now along pun dah tunang kot dan alhamdulilah bukan dgn minah tu. And beside this feud is a long time ago. Along and kak dewi pun dah move on. And i should to. Nk marah lama lama pun buat apa kan? So aritu along call and kteorng borak lama gaklah about lots of thing macam dulu dulu. Sebab dulu masa bonda kat langkawi, dia lepak rumah i a few months gak lah so somehow bonding tu kuat and dia cite macam2 kt i and i kept it. He was the big brother i never had somehow. He was protective of me and he was there when i fall apart masa ashraf tinggalkn i dulu. He was there. And takkan lah sbb this one mistake i nak marah kt dia kan. Beside it was all the in the past now. No point of keep any hard feeling or vengeance. He's change now. He is different person now. And i wish the best in everything he did in his life. Nak jadi laki orng dah along niii. Hahahaha...

Last but not least, joe. My once upon a time best friend. My once upon a time person. Somehow marah i dah reda. And these past few weeks, for the first time, i feel happy. Like really really happy. I feel at peace. Im dancing and just having fun. I dont feel like i want to text him anymore. I dont feel like i miss him anymore. Not like i used to anymore. And somehow i forgave him. I forgave for the things he did last year or year before that. Maybe sebab tu i feel peace kot? Maybe lah. Beside, hating him was exhausting. Seriously. And aritu kluar berbuka dgn the girls and somehow mai make me realize something. Mai's word inspired me somehow. So yeah, i text him and we talked like we used to with random topic and jokes and laugh. Macam biasa lah kalo borak dgn joe, mesti macam macam topik kluar. It never end. So much to talk. And mcm biasa i be the last to end the conversation. I dont mind anymore. In fact, i think i get my closure. Since i dont want to ruin it, i just left the conversation like that. Nothing to add and nothing to begin. Maybe if he text me, i akan balas but that was all depends.

trust me i am not crying like meredith but it is true, hating you joe is the most exhausting i ever face so im just gonna move on, leave it like that, go with the flow and live my life without you in it

For now, i am happier and peaceful. It was like i did with ashraf. Kteorng break dlu pun bukan in good terms wlaupun masing masing agree. But slowly i move on and i text him when im ready. Look at us now. We both get our closure and we both move on. We still talked sometime and that just what it is. Terms ni i bagi nama, we are good but that just what it is. And antara i dengan joe, if ada jodoh, adalah. If takde, i redha je. Sis okay sajoo.. hahahaha...  Actually to be really honest, i kinda like we were like this. I mean after everything that i've been through, i dont think i want to be with joe, spend my whole life with him. I dont feel i want to anymore. I kinda happy the way it was now. Like callie said, trying to fix us is the thing thats been killing me slowly and maybe instead of loving you so hard, i should be myself for awhile. To be really honest, i dont think things can be fixed between me and joe. So i guess we will end just like calzona. Hahahaha.. Lols.. And beside i am really happy and i move on. I survive. I forgive. And i feel peace. Im living my life.

When did i get here?

Last saturday, i attend my close cousin getting engage. And suddenly... of course lah im going to make it about me.. Hahaha.. So, yeah the engagement. And there i was thinking, i dh smpai ke this phase ke? this era?

Actually, dh ada dua sedara i yg sama umur dgn i kahwin, ada anak dah pun. But since they all not close with me, like distant relatives so i tak ambik pusing sangat. I buat dont know and just enjoy my life. But this is along we are talking about. Yg memang rapat dri kecik. Yg memang suka sakat i. Yg memamg i je slalu boleh tahan kepala besar dia tu. 

Yep. He's engage already to whom. Tak perlu ler i nk cakap sapa. Hahahaha...

Since my close friends semua masih sibuk struggle siapkan tesis, assignment and mungkin kerje, it never really occur to me that this age was like a perfect time to settle down. I still like tak percaya yang along nk kahwin dah and i am this age where most people are setting down and have kids of their own. Because i still like wondering what series to watch since greys anatomy, the catch and supergirl dah habis dah. And games of thrones akan main bulan 7 nanti. Lama lagi. 

See... marriage just wasnt kick inside of me. Nak lak i takde calon. Nak lak i dgn joe memamg takde jodoh dah. So i malas lah nk fkir semua ni. In fact i was planning of not getting married ever. But then who us to decide. Macam mommy cakap, kalo jodoh datang, takkan nk tolak kot. Kalo joe, tak tolak lah kot. Hahahahaha... Takdelah memain je. Entahlah. For now i just nk focus on my studies, kerje and make me and my family happy. Tu je goal hidup i buat masa ni. Takde masa lah nk cinta cinta ni. Maybe to some other people finding love or a partner is a goal. But for me, it aint me.