My little experiment

Life has been pretty weird actually. My parents seem like trying to hook me up with someone despite I clearly stating I want to be single forever, with no attachment, no settling down. I do not know which part of my word seems unclear. Seriously, it was so not fun and a bit annoying. I don't know if it is because I have made up my mind or the fact that I did not yet move on. 

The other day, my parents went to this open house organized by my dad's family side. It basically involves so many people that we just found out we related. So my dad was eager to go and be match-making over there. And they met this lady who invite them to go to her open house and wanted me to meet up with her son. I wasn't that keen obviously and my first reaction was FUCK. Yes, it came out randomly but I half meant it. 

I am avoiding saying anything related to that night and luckily for me, we did not go. I was relieved. But then it did not stop there. It seems like sometimes when it involves a guy, it feels like and it seems like the sentence shows as if they are trying to be match-making. I had made up my mind that I didn't want to get married and I devoted myself to being single forever. Why cant people just accept and respect that?? Was it so hard or was my word not clear? Please people enlighten me with this.

I did make up my mind but sometimes I do missing to have someone, being in love, falling in love. And the fact that I have finally deleted all the memories. Yep, no more conversations on WhatsApp, no longer the call log, gone were the pictures and phone number. Honestly, I never thought I was able to do it. I mean, how can you just walk away from these 13years of knowing each other? We spent so much time together, joking, sharing, and talking. I did not 100% move on. I miss him whenever I think about him and us. But he is not coming back. He's moved on and I shall do the same even though I might never be with anyone else after him. 

Despite having this kind of mindset, sometimes I do feel scared that I give up on love, and stop believing in love. I know that something inside me was broken after things ended. But I just want to know will this heart of mine is capable of liking someone other than Joe. And what better way of experiment and meet someone online. I mean kinda pro at this. I have been here before. I have few tricks hidden in my sleeves. So why not try it. I got nothing to lose. Besides if I had a change of mind and heart, I can just leave. I know it seems heartless but then I could feel my heart go in that direction if I did not try to do something. One more thing, we never know if that other person is legit or not. I mean if he is indeed a real person, the actual person that the picture belonged to.

Weirdly enough, I met these 2 divorcees in their late 30s. Yeah stable job i would say. One is a pilot and one is an engineer. But then they are too old and too mature. Sometimes it seems they like eager to find a wife to take care of their children. First of all, I am just here to try to feel something with my heart. I may not stay long and I will definitely leave when the purpose has been met. Secondly, I did not see myself being a mother of someone's child. I am not ready to get married and now you expect me to be ready to have a child? I don't think so. Thirdly, who the fuck just blurted you like this person and wanted more. We barely even meet face to face and know each other well. Come on. Are you that desperate? Ughh.. this is definitely a red flag and seems like straight-up bullshit. I am sorry I cannot be involved with this and lead you on when I know that this is not what I want at all. So i ghosted both of them and leave. Plus block and remove them. What a total nightmare. 

And then there is this the third one. I can't believe I say this but he makes me happy. He makes me giggle like I was a schoolgirl. I forgot how it felt since it has been so long. Maybe when I was in my teens or early twenties. I don't remember. But this feeling was so great. I was so excited and eager to talk to him. He was single and we just 2years gap which is just nice. 

It's just an experiment anyway. If we turn out to be more, so be it. But for now, it is just for me to know that I was not that heartless and that my heart is capable of liking someone or even feeling in love. And who knows maybe I am healing now.

Eulogy

To my sweet dear nancy..

Having you around all those years was amazing and enjoyable. I never thought that our time is short to spend time together, to play and be together. I always looking forward to go back home, to see you, to hug and kiss you. But now, i was afraid to go home, i couldnt go home. Bcoz i felt the presence of you around me. The usual place you sleep or those place where you just sit around and watching us. That time when i was watching tv and you jump to me so you could see it with me. Or when you just want to sleep beside me or manja2. And when i tgh solat, and you sit beside me, watching me. I still feel like you were there, do things that you used to do.

I miss your voice. I miss the sound of your bell when you walking or run. I miss when you wake me up in the morning. I miss when you sleep beside me or adik. I miss dukung you. I miss hug and kiss you. I miss when we watch frozen together and i keep singing 'do you wanna build a snowman'. I think if you could talk, you would slap me and ask me to let go of those frozen thing.

But this time, i had to let go of you. And eventhought i still couldnt stop crying. I know that you in a better place. And that now you sleep peacefully. I saw you go in 60 seconds. But i felt like it was only 1 second. I felt like i wanna scream that time when they put you sleep. I want to ask them to stop. But i had to do what i had to do. I gotta let go. And move on with my life.

Im going to miss you a lot baby. In fact, all of us going to miss you. We all love you so much. And to see you suffering like that, its devastating. And we all redha with everything that happen.

Thanks darling for spark my day and my life. No one could ever replace you. And no one could compare you. But i was glad that i could see you, sleep with you, kiss and hug you for the very last time.

I love you sayang. Always do, always will and always am. I miss you a lot. Rest in peace my dear sweet little nancy. :'(

In memory. Nancy 2012~2014 May u find peace dear my darling :')

That day

29th June was the day that i feel a huge hole in my life. i never quite empty like this. i shed a tear. a lot even right now. i never feel a lose like this. it was so hurt. and it still does. i try to move on and let go. but i did let go just everytime i thought about those memories that we use to have together, it just me me sad, cry and in fact hurt. to know that you wont be here anymore with me. and i miss you. a lot. everytime i felt like i miss you. i will hear this song. a song that i make special for you. i want you to know that you always here in my heart and in our mind.

i still remember that day,
we went out all together,
everything seems okay,
everything seems alright,
you look into my eyes,
i saw the smile on your face.

now that your gone,
i felt quite empty,
everyone seems too.
but know this,
you always stay in our heart,
and in our mind,
that day remain with us.

i never thought,
our time is short,
you never get to see it,
but i always remember it,
the advise you gave to me,
the faith you had on me.

yeah i miss you,
yeah i did cry,
i thought about you,
about the times we had together,
how i wish i could,
spend a day with you,
just another day with you,
but i cant, no i cant,
i know that.

'Ya Allah, sesungguhnya aku redha dgn kepergiannya. semoga Kau menempatkan die di tempat2 orng yg beriman dan semoga rohnya dicucuri rahmat.'