My little experiment

Life has been pretty weird actually. My parents seem like trying to hook me up with someone despite I clearly stating I want to be single forever, with no attachment, no settling down. I do not know which part of my word seems unclear. Seriously, it was so not fun and a bit annoying. I don't know if it is because I have made up my mind or the fact that I did not yet move on. 

The other day, my parents went to this open house organized by my dad's family side. It basically involves so many people that we just found out we related. So my dad was eager to go and be match-making over there. And they met this lady who invite them to go to her open house and wanted me to meet up with her son. I wasn't that keen obviously and my first reaction was FUCK. Yes, it came out randomly but I half meant it. 

I am avoiding saying anything related to that night and luckily for me, we did not go. I was relieved. But then it did not stop there. It seems like sometimes when it involves a guy, it feels like and it seems like the sentence shows as if they are trying to be match-making. I had made up my mind that I didn't want to get married and I devoted myself to being single forever. Why cant people just accept and respect that?? Was it so hard or was my word not clear? Please people enlighten me with this.

I did make up my mind but sometimes I do missing to have someone, being in love, falling in love. And the fact that I have finally deleted all the memories. Yep, no more conversations on WhatsApp, no longer the call log, gone were the pictures and phone number. Honestly, I never thought I was able to do it. I mean, how can you just walk away from these 13years of knowing each other? We spent so much time together, joking, sharing, and talking. I did not 100% move on. I miss him whenever I think about him and us. But he is not coming back. He's moved on and I shall do the same even though I might never be with anyone else after him. 

Despite having this kind of mindset, sometimes I do feel scared that I give up on love, and stop believing in love. I know that something inside me was broken after things ended. But I just want to know will this heart of mine is capable of liking someone other than Joe. And what better way of experiment and meet someone online. I mean kinda pro at this. I have been here before. I have few tricks hidden in my sleeves. So why not try it. I got nothing to lose. Besides if I had a change of mind and heart, I can just leave. I know it seems heartless but then I could feel my heart go in that direction if I did not try to do something. One more thing, we never know if that other person is legit or not. I mean if he is indeed a real person, the actual person that the picture belonged to.

Weirdly enough, I met these 2 divorcees in their late 30s. Yeah stable job i would say. One is a pilot and one is an engineer. But then they are too old and too mature. Sometimes it seems they like eager to find a wife to take care of their children. First of all, I am just here to try to feel something with my heart. I may not stay long and I will definitely leave when the purpose has been met. Secondly, I did not see myself being a mother of someone's child. I am not ready to get married and now you expect me to be ready to have a child? I don't think so. Thirdly, who the fuck just blurted you like this person and wanted more. We barely even meet face to face and know each other well. Come on. Are you that desperate? Ughh.. this is definitely a red flag and seems like straight-up bullshit. I am sorry I cannot be involved with this and lead you on when I know that this is not what I want at all. So i ghosted both of them and leave. Plus block and remove them. What a total nightmare. 

And then there is this the third one. I can't believe I say this but he makes me happy. He makes me giggle like I was a schoolgirl. I forgot how it felt since it has been so long. Maybe when I was in my teens or early twenties. I don't remember. But this feeling was so great. I was so excited and eager to talk to him. He was single and we just 2years gap which is just nice. 

It's just an experiment anyway. If we turn out to be more, so be it. But for now, it is just for me to know that I was not that heartless and that my heart is capable of liking someone or even feeling in love. And who knows maybe I am healing now.

Im losing it here

My motivation has bee drain this week. It getting worse each day. And i do am trying to survive. Each day i try to be positive that i can fucking do this. That i am strong enough to do this job. But then at the end of the day it all consume me and leads me to failure. The negative thought come linger inside of me and i try to wash it away. Acted like i was fine and happy with all of these when the truth is i am not fucking fine at all. 

Last monday we had our kick off. Makan makan, mingle around, telling about each other a little bit and sort out a plan for this year. And for once i know that i can do this. And later on Tuesday, had my training on how to use the apps and how to say it to client and convince them to buy our products. And that time also i am fucking sure i can do this. It is in my blood. But come yesterday, those thing have been suck out from me. And not to forget today. I spent my days in opening the jobstreet and applying any job. Not to mention i did open the selected company that provide me the desire job that i want and i apply it. See how desperate i am?

I also started to question about my life and decision that i make. I thought this year will be great but then it isnt. I know for the fact that im starting to sink in into those dark deep hole i used to love. But im trying to survive here. I do. I do not want to feel whatever dark feeling i had last year. I want to be better, to be good. I want this year to be better. But obviously January dislike me that much.

 

 

You know what i want right now. I want to break free. Like literally. I want to stop doing everything, anything and just take myself off, take a deep breath and reflect. That is what i wanna do. Did you know that my mom wants me to continue study in phd before umur i 30. Clearly there is like no marriage for me which is fine by me because well i dont think i end up with joe anyway. So whats the point anyway. Im better off being alone. But honestly i kinda lost here. I really dont know what im gonna do with my life. I dont even know my purpose of living here. Should have ended when i had a chance. But then part of me entahlah.. have common sense. Killing yourself will ultimately shut you off from ever going to heaven. So im trying to survive in this cruel cruel world. Maybe good things do take time. All i had to do is be positive and just be fucking patient with it. 

Trying my best here!

I know it just the beginning of first week, but what can i say, i kinda lose faith. I kinda hate it when this kind of feeling hit me especially on the first week, but it did happen. It did somehow.

It is not that i regret it, the career that i choose. But there is slightly regret. Maybe i because i hate doing sales. I hate go out there and finding people and seeing people. And this is different from what i had previously. But i hate fucking hate it. Okay. I dh start cari kerje lain kot. Like literally on the very first day while waiting for my manager to brief me about all that product. And i believe in the product, i believe that these can sell, not like previously corporate things i sell. But it was freaking hard finding a client because this, the client are already in front of me. All i need to do is approach them. 

I am try my fucking hard to get through this month. I need to at least nailed 2 cases at the very least. I can do this. I can fucking make it through it. But i also need a new job. The one that stable have a fixed time and also all those medical and leave perks and also works, tons of works. I wont mind. Rather than do nothing like i do before because i didnt have appointment with a client. 

I need something just something to get me through everything. Some distraction or motivation. Hurm.. i can do this. I CAN FUCKING DO THIS