the end.

I have a few versions of this post. I wrote it as time goes by. I post it and took it down numerous times. Not because suddenly things changed but it just was not the right time. It just doesn't seem like it is the end. If you read the history of it. We always make up after a fight. We always patch things up and talk like nothing ever happens. like everything was okay and that we were fine. It was just another thunderstorm and it started to sunny again once it was over. But it was different this time. It is the end. 

It amazes me how we could be strangers and then share so much but at last, we go back to where it started. A stranger. I believe the people we meet and allow to enter our lives teach us some valuable lessons somehow. Even though the goodbye part is the hardest but once we get over it, we see the 'reason' behind everything happening for a reason. 

You came into my life unplanned and we should have stopped talking after I told the lies about how I got your number. I shouldn't have even kept your number in the first place and then given it to someone I know. But then there we are. Honestly, I had never experienced anything like this. When we first got to know each other, I felt like I know you. It is like my soul has met you before. I do not know how to explain it. I kept trying to find this connection. I kept asking people. I asked my friend if they ever cross with someone that they just met but it feels like you have known each other for a lifetime. But I never actually got the answer. I google it as well okay because it feels weird. And the fact that I never felt like this before gives me a thousand thoughts. But I know now, that you were my soul buddies. 

We shared so much with each other and we have lots of memories together. Despite the age gap and the distance. We were somehow able to do things together. Like, remember when both took MUET together? I took it at Matriks and you at some high school. But we took it on the same day. So we kinda have a similar topic. And that night we talked about this, sharing our stories of facing this MUET. We always watched football together. If I were not able to watch it, you will be updating the current score. And I will do the same for you if you did not get a chance to watch it. Funnily we got heartbroken around the same time. I think I got dumped first and then you are having yours or it was the other way round. I don't remember it much but I know that time we pour our hearts out, we cry, and listen to some sad songs. It was funny when I look at it back. The heartbreak was unbearable that we plot to kill each other. But you say, if you die, who will I be friends with? So we scrap the idea out. 

We did not talk every day with each other. But when we do talk, we could do it for hours. It seems like we always have something to talk about even though it was silly. I mean who can I talk about sampin for almost two hours or the fact that we talked about tandas KLCC RM2. How sometimes you just play a guessing game with me. We are both very competitive even though there is no winning prize. I missed it though. I miss talking to you. But mostly I miss us. The version of us who were young and carefree. I think the real world breaks us up. 

We were so close that somehow it scares me. What if you meet someone and then you forget about me? Or how if I meet some guy and I forget about you. Even though we prove to each other that, even if we are both with someone at that moment, we will not forget each other. And I guess after a while and we were both single and the conversation getting deeper, I started to grow feelings for you. I tried to brush it off. I helped you to get a few girls you have a crush on and I go be with a few guys. But the feeling was always there. It never go away, it never died. It just stood there waiting. 

And the wait is over the day I confess and then you said you like me too. We become different people even though we never declare we were together. Suddenly you started to distance and I was wondering if I ever did anything wrong to you. You never explain and just want me to forget about it. We talked but not like before. I felt hurt but I think maybe you got a lot of things in your mind. I tried to be understanding and ignore it. But along the way, I just felt tired with all of this and I could feel myself slip. It was all I ever want but is it even worth it? Are we even meant to be?

I kept thinking of walking away and leaving all of this behind, leaving you as it is. Saving myself while I still could before I fell way too deep. But I kept coming back and you kept reassuring me. So I hold on to whatever I have and have faith that this storm will be over. That the sun will shine again and we will be okay. And I thought it finally ends when you started to talk about marriage to me. I thought that the day has come. I was wrong. You ask me to forget about it after a few months of saying it. You took back your words. It breaks my heart into millions of pieces. I could feel it drop and crash. I did not beg you to change your mind. But I stayed and hope that you did change your mind somehow. But at the same time, I was so tired and I just wants it to end. So I left. I walked away and I never turn back.

Of course, it breaks my heart again, whatever is lefts of it anyway. I was never the same person again after that day.

But eventually, I know now why it needs to end, why it has to end. We were so careful in taking care of what we had as it was delicate. It was our masterpiece that somehow we tore up. We stopped caring about it. We grew distant and fell apart. Your name stopped flashing on my phone and my call was left unanswering. We go from having lots of talks to being unable to form any words or sentences. How did we even get here? 

I know that I am the one who said I am done with this. I know I am the one who calls it quit and ends it. But we both know somehow it was for the best. We destroy the best part that we have by staying together. We hurt each other to see who had the most bruises. We want this to work so bad but nothing is working anymore. All we did was broke each other hearts and it has to stop before it goes horribly wrong. It has already damaged us and that is why I left. 

From here and there, then and now, you know I will do anything for you. Even though I never said it but you know, I will do those things Bruno Mars said in "Grenade". You know marriage just wasn't for me. Of course, I want it, more when it was with you. But you know deep down, I have so many things to do. You know how I wanted to continue my study. and you are always one of my supporters. I remember the very last day we talked. You asked me did I had already continued with it and I said not yet but soon. I could feel a small grin from you. You are always proud of the things I did and achieve. And I was happy when you told me about your new job and a new place. I was glad you were doing great. And I wanted to thank you for giving me the closure that I have been seeking since the day I walk away. Thank you for put an end to this as I knew you need it too.

You will always have a special place in my heart and the back of my mind. If an alternate universe existed, I hope we make it in one of them. But even if it doesn't, I hope we meet again in heaven. You were my best friend joe. You were my person, my everything. And even though we are no longer talking, I always kept you in my prayers. I wish you the very best in anything you do and I hope you meet someone who could give you what you need. I miss you so much but I really hope our paths will not cross again in this world. I hope we both peacefully live our life. Happy and content. I will never forget us and I hope you won't too. But I think it is best that you go your own way and I go mine. It is better to leave as it is and end it.

Acceptance

 I did not feel like I was moving on, not completely. There was a time when everything seems so hard and all I want to do was curl up on my bed, cry my heart out while listening to Taylor Swift. But there was a time when everything was okay and I started to see the 'reason' behind everything happen for a reason. 

Of course, it did not happen in one night. And it is not depending on how many years you were together. That was a myth. It happens slowly but surely. It is not easy. But you get through it somehow. 

I know I'm going to talk mostly about weddings here but that just because he pop out the question then maybe he got cold feet and run away, and ask me to forget all about it as if it was just a meaningless word. Yep, so casually cruel in the name of being honest.

I might move on but I never forget. This was one of the wounds that leave a deeper scar and they last they last.

On Angah's day, he said he will come. It was a day he could not miss as Angah was his friend too. Even though I did not put high hope, I still wish he will come. I wear my best outfit at that time. I was preparing myself to meet him. I kept texting him to update him. I'm searching for his familiar face. I texted and then I called. But everything was left unanswered. Even though I put my brave and happy face on, God knows I'm falling apart deep down inside. I never get even an apology or some petty excuses. I think that was the turning point. And that was the moment I knew.

On Nadh's day, I still hold on to his words. I still hope that everything will be fine again. I imagine this was could be us one day. It will be perfect and we look so happy. 

On Mai's day, I already let go of the idea of us but there was always this 'what if' lingering in my head. I still hope he changes his mind and that he would come back. He will say all the right things. He will be here... and I would've been so happy.

On Farah's day. Honestly, I did not feel anything. I no longer hope. I knew we never stood a chance and that we will never be meant to be together. And for the first time, I am fine with that. I started to see why it happen the way it happen. I started to accept, that everything happens for a reason. I can no longer picture us together again. That dream or imagine was just a pigment that was slowly fading away, blown by the wind. Yes, I do miss him, miss us, and that the flashback sometimes crept back. But it goes away as time goes by. And it didn't feel hurting like it was before. 

And I started to see changes in myself after I have redha with everything and accept for what it is. I no longer has to fake a smile or pretend that I was happy and that everything was fine. Now I could say I'm genuinely happy. Happy with my life, happy with the choice I made. I no longer force things and let everything run its course. If it is meant to be, it will be. I am starting to write again. Not a lot like before but one or two posts a month was enough. Getting my old self back was not easy, but I started to love every bit, piece of myself. I think for now that's what's matters.

Dream, past and remembering

 I did not know if it was a RED season or what but I feel of writing this, to pour this heartfelt that I felt for quite some time. I just realize that the last time that I was here was like 6 months ago. But maybe it was time to go and write again. I mean it won't be active like I used to but I might write when I feel like it. 

Before we began, let just talk about RED first. Oh my goodness, all too well was my favorite, always. The usual one is perfect, but the new long version was even better. I always thought that this song was meant for Ashraf. But after some time, I kinda listen to it when I feel sad or miss him. So the song was now dedicated to him. However, somehow the longer version one was perfectly dedicated to him by me. There are a few sentences or words in that lyric that resemble the things I had with him. But I guess RED will always be for Ashraf. After all, I did write a post about him with that title honestly.

Okay, let's move forward to the reason I was here. 

I guess I never wrote this after it happen. But somewhere around March this year, he came to my dream. I don't quite remember what the dream was now. But he did appear in my dream quite a few times that I continue to sleep so that I could see him even though he did not say much. But I did see him. And I was sad when I wake up as it was only a dream. A week before this dream, I did talk about him to Farah. Mostly about what happened. So after that talk, I just can't stop thinking about him. I missed him so very much. It feel like a week where I felt that way and just miss everything about him, about us. The flashback kept creeping on and he kept double-crossing my mind. It was like, they say all wells that end well but I am in new hell. 

Then, on the night of Tina's bachelorette party, I accidentally call him. I don't know how as the name of the person I was meant to call was different and in fact far from the letter of his name. I drop it once I realize it. After an hour, he called me back but I say 'wrong number, sorry'. And my day getting worse. Nope, I think the next day of it was getting worsen. Usually, I will only have a week to have this kind of breakdown but this has been a few weeks and weeks turn to month. The heart won't rest and the mind kept playing the flashback. But I keep calm and let the heart, mind, and soul feel what it needs to feel. It took quite some time to recover. Feels like I just took numerous steps back but I was fine afterward.

But he called me out of a sudden. He called when everything was back to normal and fine. I did not answer it a first as I thought I was dreaming. But he called me the second time and I hear his voice. His rough-the kind I like- voice. I quite feel my heartbeat fast as usual and everything feels dead silent. We talk for quite a while and I was happy and glad to know that he was okay and everything went well for him. He said he will call again later but he never did. Up until now. But I did not mind much as I felt maybe this is the 'closer' that I was looking for. So I felt grateful instead.

I could say that we go our own separate way after that call. Never to heard and know again. And it was okay. But there is always one of those days that I thought about him and reminisce about the past where everything was good between us. And yeah sometimes I do wonder if he remembers it all too well.

It has been quite a while and today he appeared in my dream. It felt real. And I never thought I saw him so clear, so vivid. At first, I thought it was just a random dream. But there he was with his old grey/green pleated shirt. Watch me, smile at me. I did not say anything as I am still shocked. The funny thing I say was. 'you never call and say anything. so I move on with my life. He smile and hugged me. Every dreamt I had of him, he never say enough or anything. He just does a random gesture or smiles. We got married in that dreamt of mine. And I could feel in my bones that this was just a dream and I want out. I want to wake up. I don't want this. I never want this anymore. 

I got out and wake up. But even when I say I don't care and that it is just a dream. I still think of that dream. But his vivid face was slowly disappearing and fading from my mind. Thus, before I forget all about it, I wrote it here. And layer if I came back and read it, I will remember it all too well.

Forgive yourself

 I believe that when you are on your own and you took some time to self-reflect, you realize that there a million stupid things you did and that oh-so-wrong decision. Seriously, what was I thinking? But then if you look back, it somehow makes you who you are today. This is when people say things happen for a reason even though you did not know what it was. But eventually, you do. 

Honestly, holding on to a one-sided relationship or friendship seems like an idiot move but that time you feel like this is that one person who understood me and then there are these memories that we had all this while. I can't just push aside and act as it did not exist. Cause it did. I hate when people said that every relationship or friendship has an expiry date cause I believe in forever and I am all for a long haul. But that's how life works and people are people, they are not bound to stay in one place. They grew apart and grew up. 

Letting go of a 15years of relationship was not easy but it was a thing that I know I had to do. I feel like I did not who I am anymore. I could feel little pieces of me being shredded and burn. The worst thing was that there is literally nothing I could do except stand and watch it burns. But after quite some time, you just grew tired with this shit and you start to look for a way out. You start to make a list of the staying and the leaving. And even though a part of you fighting to not let go but you did anyway. One day, when it decided, you just pack your things and leave a goodbye note. 

A few months was not easy, you start to battle with yourself again, that this was a wrong move at all. Who the fuck leaving more than a decade of relationship. Seriously! But you did. And slowly you start to pick some pace and move on. The 'he' just a figment of memory that exists at the back of your mind. Even though I like to go there sometimes just to reminisce but most of the time I was good. 

And it becomes even better when you start to forgive yourself. 

Forgive yourself for the wrong thing you did. Forgive yourself for that stupid decision you made. Forgive yourself for stay and holding on so long, thinking that someday he will change and realize. Forgive yourself for putting too much effort and hope into this sinking ship. Forgive yourself to look best on people even though they treat you like shit. Forgive yourself for leaving when it no longer serve you and make you happy. Forgive yourself for losing the best part of your old version. Forgive yourself for loving too deep and innocently. Forgive yourself for the wasted tears you shed in the middle of the night when the memories and flashback came creeping back. Forgive yourself for closing too many doors when you thought you had finally found the one.

But the most important thing, forgive yourself for not putting yourself first, not to love and cherish your own self as now you get a chance to do it. So cherish every bit of it. Life too short for this almost-uncertainty love. Open those door and your heart as great things awaits you in front. Good things take time, so trust His timing.

Ego for a reason

Everyone has their own ego that they try to hide or proud of it but mine... i just tried to control it so that it wont be more and neither would it be less.. 

I was never an ego person actually. Maybe i was but mine was not this strong. But lately i have been make it grow stronger. You see, for me ego is how i hide my true feeling. Whether it is hope or sad and it could be happy also. Ego was kinda like my shield, my superpower that i adore, that i rely on when things happen. But in here, in this post, i let my guard down, i lay my ego down, i let you see how vulnerable and bruise i was. 

Last Monday, i went to Muar with my mom. And mommy was like kept on asking about joe, was i told him i was here and do we wanna meet, and whatever. At first i was thinking not to because we know how it end up anyway. And i was right actually. I was so stupid for thinking that it might be different this time around. I did though text him saying i was there. I didnt asked if he wanted to meet, hoping that he's the one who would popped out the question instead me. He didnt even respond to any of my text. And honestly it kinda let me down a bit but i let my ego showed that i was fine with this. I lied to my mom that i didnt even text him at all but he did see my insta story but didnt even say anything at all which is true. 

And then yesterday i was chilling out with my mom. And she ask me about joe and i. And i told her the truth. That we were never declare anything, we didnt put a label on this relationship but we stick to be friends and go with the flow. I hated that actually. The 'go with the flow thing' even though i was the one who suggest it. Remind me to change it some where next year. Maybe to 'this ride has been nice but i dont see it go nowhere so here's to our goodbye'. There it goes, the ego again. 

Anyway, these talk, it make me realize that i shouldnt give a fuck about joe.. Honestly, all he ever did is disappoint me. I know he got some issue but i got mine also. Everybody has their own demon to fight with. And i am fucking tired. I wanna give up. I wanna give up with this stupid hope, this stupid fantasy and dream. Go to hell with all of this. I just wish he would also show some effort you know. There are million things he said that could make me murder him at that moment. But i didnt. Instead i forgive and forget. Because thats the thing we did to people we love right?? But everyone has a limit. And mine has reaching many many times but there also the catalyst to slow it down, to freeze it and to lower it. But really though, i should move on. 

I guess that is how the ego start to build up. Starting with cover up and to calm the heartache inside while the ego starting to grew. Each time it be hurt, ego was there to make it feel better. And i know for a fact that it has grew stronger and stronger because i could feel it slowly killing the hope and put the idea of nothing last forever, and at the end all you ever have is yourself. But love... love conquer all.. at the end love always win.. that is what that fairytales bullshit has been putting in our brain.. but the reality is, it just isnt.. this was not that prince and princess story.. this story does not have happy ending.. but maybe it did.. because she lost herself.. but once she let it go, she resurface and found herself... something like that phrase...

I am done

I ingat lah kan lepas along nyer wedding, no one would ever bring that question ever again. But i was wrong obviously. Memamg tak lah kan dorng nk stop tanya bnde alah tu. It will never stop and will follow me for the rest of my life... or maybe sampai.. i dont know.. i kahwin??

Hahahahaha... i kahwin? Well, maybe dulu i boleh imagine that thing. Masa i dengan ashraf a few years back. Or masa i like so deeply enchanted with joe a few years back. But now, right now. I dont think so. I dont imagine that anymore walaupun ye i ada lah bayang or berangan or talk about it especially masa joe bring that up. But i dont know. He doesnt seem that serious and i see zero effort from him so far. So it was easy to say that i crush that dream so that it wont break me if somehow it didnt came true somewhere in the future. Beside people like me are destined to be alone and do not have an happy ending.

And it is okay. I sedar diri. So instead of probably put myself out there and searching for love or guy. And instead of waiting for joe to come to his sense and come around. I decide that i was better off alone and happily enjoy myself. I decide that instead of focusing on people and things, i should focus on me, i should have love me. I tau ia nampak mcm pathetic gilerr. But no worries. It is ok. This is the life that i choose and i just need to bear for it. 

Once upon a time, i admit that i believe in love and have faith that there will be someone for me someday. But after been broken for quite a few times, i stop believe it and somehow i admit i lose faith. The thought of having someone just a delusion that we put in our minds because we are so into the 'they lived happily ever after' phrase. And somehow i am just so freaking tired of loving more, caring more and trying more. With joe, that is what i have been doing for the past few years. It was so exhausting. I never put too much effort in keeping a relationship this long. Then, when it ends, it took me a very long time to rebuild myself and to move on and be happy again.

And for that, i am done. Thats all i could said. 

For that questions, it is irritating for sure but then i have to just fake a smile and acted as if it was nothing. After all it just a question je kan. Takkan i nk tanya dorng bila dorng nk meninggal pulak kan? Ajal and pertemuan kan semua di tangan Allah. And i leave soal jodoh ni semua pada Dia. Kalo ada, adalah. Kalo takde, i gi travel around the world kumpul memory and experience. Lols.

The throwback and the comeback

I took some time off to cool down. I took myself off with all these social things for awhile. Sebab tu i tak post pape last month. Sebab tu that break down post of mine was the last for july. The thing is, i thought i be okay. I thought i was already okay. I thought i was happy and move on and okay. But somehow i am not. That missing part was the worst. I hope the next time i feel that kind of miss wouldnt be that strong or worse. 

Now, I still try to keep up and live my life without he's in it. Oh i lupa nak ckp. I rasa lah mcm i lupa. Before before this kan i already block him and delete his number. Slowly deleting the conversation dari zaman matriks lagi. Lama giler kot. Tu tak campur lagi mesej2 dari zaman sklah lagi. Yelah time tu kan tak wujud lagi whatsapp ni. But that was all in my old phones. Reason i simpan fon lama2 i tu was because of this sweet innocent messages that i like to go once in awhile somehow. I know, cheesy kan. Hahaha.. But it was all the whole truth. Wlaupun tak ler slalu on fon tu and baca balik msg2 tu semua. Tapi pernah lah. 

I go back the other day, and somehow it never fail to put a smile on my face. Eventhough lot have change now but still, it was all a very good memory. It make me realize that everything was sweet and lovely that time. We both mmg jarang mesej. Maybe bila something happen or maybe bila rindu kot. Tapi sebab jarang borak ler that makes everything exciting. And of course ber jam2 gak msg. Ingt lagi kredit habis sbb mesej, sanggup redeem point nk dpt 100 free text. I rasa mcm lagi exciting msg ngan joe dri ashraf. Hihihihi.. Sorry. Lols. We flirt like crazy kot that time tapi still i tak pernah ada perasaan ske dri sorng kwn pun. Nak lak masa tu i tgh couple dgn orng tu lah orng ni lah. But ashraf was like the last and serious bf i ever had. I start ada feeling kt joe pun masa tu dh break ngan ashraf masa form 4. Tapi sbb tak nak ruin friendship ni, i pendam jelah. Wlaupun ada masa rasa mcm nk bgitau je. And then to prevent this crush become strong, i pun terima ashraf balik. 

But still, the feeling never goes away. I find myself missing joe and bila fon i bunyi, i was hoping it was joe. Yeah, obviously i cheat kn time tu. I know i was with wrong person that time tpi entahlah. Sampailah i rasa ashraf pun maybe dpt rasa how unhappy i was with him and that maybe we both in wrong relationship now. So we broke up but still i rindu ashraf tpi i tau feeling tu dh tak macam dlu pun. So i start to talk to joe and we were okay. Bagi i dapat borak dgn dia pun dah bahagiakn diri i. Still, i kept my feelings to myself only.

Then masuk matriks, i meet a few guys but somehow he is still on my mind. And wlaupun i tau dia dah move on and have a few gf but still, the feeling was there. And weirdly i tak rasa jealous langsung bila dia cite psl gf dia. I remember bgitau dila yg rasa dia tu mcm, ' do what you want joe, im not gonna be jealous because i know at the end, you were mine'. Pergh, confidence giler. Tpi really, i tak pernah rasa jealous sebab tu i pernh ckp lagu "Teardrop on my guitar' by taylor tu sgt tak sesuai tok i because there were never tear to be drop anywhere. Even though joe with some other girl, we still good. We still talk mcm dlu2. We still could fight and flirt and joke. Everything was really good compare to sekrng lah. And i knew some of his gf sbb dia kenalkn i as kawan baik dia. Terharu giler beb. Hahaha.. 

But somehow after i dapat masuk ukm masa tu sem 2 kot ke sem 3, nothing was the same anymore. Everything is changing. And wlaupun i tau i takde buat salah (that confident level though) but still i rasa mcm i ada buat salah sebab i msg tak jawab, call jgn ckp lah. It was so hard to get hold of him. I rasa adalah gak dlm 6 month dia senyap kn diri. But still i msg dia once in awhile hoping that one of those time, dia balas. Time ni mmg lah i ske dia dah tpi dia tak tau pun. And effort ni semua bukan based on i ske dia ok, more to like he was my best friend. And of course i worry kalo tetbe best friend i senyap mcm ni. If it happen to the girls or fiqah, of course sis gonna act this way. But somehow ada lah gak rasa nk give up nyer. So as usual, i pick his birthday to wish him the best. I dah give up dah time tu tapi time tulah tetbe dia balas. It was like, a sign mcm dont give up on me just yet.

We talked tapi tak lama and something was off. Pastu dia senyap kembali. And i rasa mcm sgt2 down. It was like half of me just die tapi hidup harus diteruskan. So i move on slowy and live my life. Dah kalo orng taknak kawan ngan kita, takkan kita nk paksa kan. But still feeling tu ada tapi tak kuat sgt. And in order to hapus kan terus, i pun berkenalan lah dgn a few guy. Had crush on this one particular guy and somehow lagu enchated always be dedicated to him. Then come to point yg i nk give up, i nk blah tapi i nk bgitau dia yg i ske dia so that i tak rasa regret sbb tak luahkn. So bila i dah luahkn, i can go on. I taknak tau jwpan dia. Kalo dia ckp tak ske i, bgus gak. Lagi boleh move on kan. Ala sakit tu sket je, lama lama okay lah. Mcm tak pernah rasa heartbreak je. Hahaha.. But then he told me he like me too and everything after this is a history.

Well, like you guys tau. Ckp ske but treat me like shit. So what i can conclude is that maybe he did like me but the time is not right. It is too late. Sbb i ske dia masa form 4 and confess masa sem 5. Adalh dlm 5 tahun kot. See, 5 years late. And maybe he said it sebab nk jaga hati i je and now he change his mind and hope i faham and blah. The reason i wrote this pnjang2, it just to remind myself the reason why i need to go on because nothing was the same anymore. Yeah, we had a great memories back then, but everything change now. He's move on and so i need to do the same.

It was not just the old messages i go through. It was also the old post i wrote for him, about him many many years ago. How suddenly we talked about marriage and all. How he talked about jodoh with me. And i have seen lot of change. Lot have gone out of its original track. I guess, if it meant to be, somehow we will find our back. Somehow but not for me, not for this story i wrote. Ours dont have a happy ending. Ours only had a happy memories that i like to go back once in awhile. You were my soulmate, my person somehow and you will always be my best guyfriend. But i guess it all end here somehow.

So yeah i need to be that happy nasuha again. The one that didnt care a thing. The one that wont let anything hold her down. The one that fearless and not really heartless sebab always has an aww moment bila nampak kucing. Hahaha.. So yeah, here's to the throwback and the comeback. Here's to start of something new. 

Oh btw, alhamdulilah. Along dh sah jadi laki orng awal Sept aritu. I pun busy gak that time preparing and tolong apa patut. But everything is done now and i wish and pray everything went well and happy for along and his bride. Tgk orng kahwin, rasa nk kahwin gak but then i remember calon i masih sesat nk cari i or maybe hilang dari radar terus calon i ni. Hahahaha.. And the amount of question psl lepas ni i kinda get old and annoying. But whatever, biasalah pak cik mak cik atok nenek sedara, that was the very common favorite question from them and unpleasant definitely not favorite at all question for someone like me. Hahahaha.. Lols.

Maybe it ends for good

I had a pep talk with my mom the other day. From ashraf to a few guys yg i kenal to joe. I could tell you details for each of it but it gonna be long, so just bear with me okay. 

I tak tau mcm mne ley terckp psl ashraf actually but i do know that i mention about talking with my ex macam biasa je sbb masing masing dh move on kan. And mommy was like is he your first love and of course i cakap ye. He was somehow. I mean i imagine my life with him. I thought he was the one for me, he was in fact my prince charming in shining amour. I even ready to settle down with him. Well, once upon a time lah. Hahahaha.. Mommy tanya npe kteorng break. Well, there is no more chemistry between us. Yeah, we love each other but it wasnt the same anymore. We both want different things, we both are different people. Break pun cara baik. Mutual. Memang lah sedih tapi it was actually the best decision i ever made. I tak pernah rasa lapang giler lepas break dgn dia. I mean it is not that it wasnt good. It was good. Cuma tu lah takde jodoh and i redha. Im pretty fine with it. Beside it was all past tense now. We both move on with our own lives now.

Then, mommy tanya psl abg saga yg slalu hntr i balik kolej lepas kelas mandarin or kekdg gi makan and borak borak. But we always talk in facebook so lepas i delete facebook, of course ler ter delete dia sekali.  I ada lah crush sket kt dia tpi sket sgt and kejap sgt sbb time tu kan tgh crush giler giler kt joe. And i guess he knows that i anggap kawan je sbb i layan pun biasa je. Takde apa pun. Kalo tetbe somewhere in the future terjumpa, mungkin ada jodoh kot? Hahahahaha...

I tak ingt yg i ada cite kt mommy psl this rebound guy yg i kenal pastu dia ajak kahwin. But yeah mommy asked me about him. Of course ler i tak ambik tau psl dia dh. Lost contact terus. Yelah, kteorng baru je kenal a few months, couple pun tidak, flirt tu perkara biasa. Then tetbe dia tanya bila boleh dia jumpa parents i. Eh, nk buat apa? Rupanya nk mintak permission nk kahwin. Well, i terkedu and i really know yg i tak ready and i memamg taknak. I baru 21 tahun kot that time. Im still young and wild and free. Im just not ready to settle down. So, i block dia and terus cabut lari. Senang ckp i lari lah macam amelia sherpard masa nk kahwin dgn owen hunt cuma dia dtg balik. I lari terus tak patah balik, tak toleh belakang pun. Mommy was like serious lah, tak patut tau, you should just stay and beside he really was ready. Yelah dia ready tapi i tak. And kalo i stay tak ke bermaksud yg i bagi dia harapan palsu. I taknak terima orng tu sbb i kesian. Ni soal kahwin. Kalo couple tu takpelah. Boleh mintak break je bebila, cheating pun tak rasa bersalah sgt. Ni kahwin kot. Besar responsibility dia. So i pun angkat barang and blah. It was the right thing to do. If i could turn back the time, i do exactly the same all over again. Seriously. 

Then, there was joe... Mommy tanya if dia ada call i tak. And i said no because we dont talk anymore. We had fight and im tired of being the one yg mengalah. Im tired. He just changed. And what he did last year, i still cant let go. Mommy tak side aku and tak side joe gak. But she did give me a good advice. Kinda good. I kan ego. Hahahaha... 

She told me that it is normal for a guy to change because they are trying to be mature. Bila dgr ni kan tetbe rasa mcm ok maybe it was my fault for being an ass sbb tak fhm dia. But then again, it is still doesnt explain why he did all those thing tahun lepas. And the fact that he didnt do anything. He didnt even stop me to leave. He just let me go. Maybe that whats he trying to do all this time. Cuma i je tak reti reti pegi. Tak faham faham. I pun ada advice for my own dear self. A very good advice i assure you.

"People change and they will constantly change. So just suck it up, accept it, move on and let go if somehow they are not fit in our lives."

 It is true though. People will change through out their lives. It was the way they improve themselves or finding themselves or just go on with their lives. We had no power to control the change and we cant control how we change. Kalo rasa macam tak boleh keep up or terima then just walk away. It was hard. Especially kalo kau dh kenal 10 tahun, dh biasa dgn orng tu, dh faham dh psl orng tu. After all, bila dua hidup dah sebati, tak semudah tu untuk dileraikan. But live has to go on kan...

 

It wasnt that easy actually. It was freaking hard. Everyday i battle myself whether i should text him or not. Even lepas mommy bagi advice tu pun i terfkir nk text dia, nk lpe semua ni. Tapi hati tak mahu. For the first time, the heart doesnt want what it wants anymore. And bila i hesitate, i know that i shouldnt go on with this text. Mungkin satu hari nanti. Mungkin. Beside dia pun takde cari i kan. I mean i tau i keep on block him, unblock him. But he can always call me or text me. He could if he care. And the way he did right now just shown the other way around.

This has always been one sided friendship. I give, he takes and thats how it work.  For the past few years, everytime i wanna just talk to him, he is too busy for it. He never been there when i need him anymore. And i try to be okay with it, i try to act tough and somehow it consume me. The reason nape i hold on selama ni pun sebab i fkir kita kenal dh lama, kawan dh lama. He kept on saying the same thing every time i point out rasa hati i. But what does it even mean? He kept saying it until i rasa macam perkataan tu jadi meaningless dh sekrng. Yeah, kita kenal dh lama but why does it feel like it was only me yg cuba pertahankan sedangkan you tinggalkn i macam tu je. Blah macam tu je. Bila you rasa you perlukan i, you datang. Tapi bila i perlu kan you, all i had was nothing, all i get was silence from you. I wish you can just admit it that you move on from us as friend which is fine for me by the way but just admit it. 

To be really honest, i still wait for him though. I still am somehow. But it has been 2 weeks and his name never shown up on my phone. Maybe it is time to give up now. If there is no reason to stay, maybe it is a good reason to leave now. Beside sampai bila nk tunggu kann??? Ada gak lah fkir nk random msg dia tpi i nk ckp apa je, I rasa mcm i dh bagi point i now giliran dia lah pulak kan. But im tired waiting for him. I bukan mcm edward snggup tunggu bella for thousand years. Ajal pun bebila je boleh datang. So maybe instead of waiting for him, i should just focus on myself, of loving myself. 

Well, i wish that our story will be the greatest ever even though it did not have a happy ending. I always know we gonna go on our own way. It just never occur to me that it happen now and like this. I thought it will be when you marry the girl of your dream and i marry mine or not but it will be like dlm video clip Happy by Leona Lewis. Either way it gonna end anyway. We had our good and bad times and i cherish every moment i had with you. It sadden me that this is how it ends but somehow this is how it ends. Maybe somewhere in the future we meet again and we could laugh how foolish we both are or maybe we never cross path anymore. But i wish you the best in everything you do and pray that Allah always protect you and lead you. You were my best friend joe. You are. But im tired of waiting and fixing and making excuses and fight for it. Im really tired. At some point, we just have to accept it, let go and move on. Maybe this is the best for both of us. Maybe it ends for good.

This is what it feels like

I guess this is what drug addict or smoker feels like. You know it was bad for you and you know you gotta stay the hell away from it for good but somehow there was the time when your heart desire for it, craving for it. And it makes you feel crazy for wanting it and battling it. Because you know it was bad for you but somehow you cant resist it. The adrenaline it give to you as it excites you or bring you to somewhere better than the reality itself. And you feel shiver because you know you cant have it. Because if you have it, it will ruin you all over again.

And that is exactly the picture that im having right now. The urge to text him and saying that im sorry and i wanna take it back whatever i said and i want us to be back as we were suppose to. But i know that if i did this. I will be ruin and completely lose myself. Because this is exactly what happen before this. I have this anger inside me and i burst it out to him and he act as he dont care and it is killing me inside of this silent treatment. So i smash all those bricks that i built for my wall. And i ran back to him and take back whatever i said and we were okay again. But it wasnt long until he did it again, until he hurt me and i was ruin all over again.

This is what it feels like to resist the feeling of going back to what ruin you and taste it for one last time. But there will be no next time. Because once you going back, you would never want to leave. You would want to stay there. Because to you it was your safe heaven, to you this is everything you ever want, to you, you just cant risk it and lose it again. You would want to stay even though you know that you will getting hurt again. 

I kept on reminded myself that i need to go on. I need to leave, to go away. It wasnt his fault and it wasnt mine. It just not meant to be. And fixing it just going to make it worse. Because you will lose yourself and getting hurt and somehow you will get use of the pain that slowly make you feel numb. I keep reminded myself that i need to leave because i have love to much and hate too much and i shouldnt hate him. I should love him and keep on loving him. They said if you love something, you need to let go. And it is true. Because one day you looking back and you would remember all those happy loving memory of you and him and reason why you love him. Thats why you need to leave while you still love him and hold on to those happy memories that once you both shared. 

This is what it feels like but it was nothing like drugs or cigarettes because i dont think so there are happy loving moment with those items because those are are not person obviously. But thats how it feels like.  Thats exactly what i feels like. I feel like the need to check myself in a rehab or go to support group or something. But i guess for now i just have to deal with it, let it flow, let time heals and keep on reading that motivation book about moving on that i once read when i broke up with ashraf. But this is a friend breakup which was much more worse than a breakup itself. But i get through this. I will get through this.

Look into the bright side

I know that i will always have this soft spot for him. I knew i do. Eventhough i say that i will never let him in, that i was mad at him, that i was moving on blah blah blah. He somehow always have the power to change my mind and melt me. He always knew what to say or do. And i fall again. I fall again hard on the floor.

There is something inside of me that give me hope especially when he said he wanted to meet so that i could show him all the anger i kept for him. And it give me hope that he has changed that we can somehow probably fix this, whatever this is. Yelah selama ni kn it was one sided. Now maybe can be two sided?

But there also a part of me that just give up. I dont want to give a try anymore. I try to save it and now im done. And i dont know if we can fix this anymore. I  know that there was this 10 or 11 years of friendship but what does it mean if you just gonna come and go right?  I give my all and now i had nothing to give anymore.

Still, i was waiting for him to make any move to make it right again. A chance to prove to me that he's change, that he's cared. So prove me joe. Prove it to me and showed me that it is worth of trying. Give me a good reason to stay coz i have none except of us being together for too fucking long. I give you one last chance because i had this thought that the universe want us to at least have it sort it out and even if we gonna be apart for good this time, at least it be a good goodbye, a good closure. Im trying to be positive here, about you, about me and about us.

But if there is nothing at all, if you wanna shut me again, then I want you to leave. Im tired. And im done. I did my best try to save us, to fix us. But i guess we cant be fix. This cant be save. And now I want you to go and never come back. I want you to go because i cannot deal with this anymore. I cant be the one who falls apart when you decide to leave again. I cant be the one who try to put the pieces together when you broke it and shatter it into a million pieces. I cant be the one who stay here in this silence and in this darkness full of your memory and us. I cant anymore.

So now im asking you to go if you had nothing to say. Just. Please. leave.

you no longer my sunshine

Changes was something that was hard for me to accept. I am no good in changes. But somehow changes happen very fast around me. In a second we were fine. Then in a minute we are not. And now you pack you things and gone and i was left here with these memories. There are so many things changes and it is not just my friendship with joe, but with other people too. But that was another story that a little bit personal since it is not my part to discuss it here.

Things change so fast that i cant really remember the last time we had a good conversation, a good laugh. I cant even remember the silly argument  we had. Or the last time you call me with these special name or just with my name. I cant remember when was the last time that you wish me birthday and how you wish me goodluck in anything that i do. I cant remember any of it. I try but i couldnt. All i had was why i was so mad at you. Like i could remember the good things but that was like long before you were gone. Or was it like nothing good ever happen after you came back? I do not know. I cant put the pieces quite right.

As i was trying to remember and put those pieces together, i realize something. I dont know if it was just my overthinking or it just a feeling. But this was one of the theory. Nasuha's theory. Lols. What if that all these time he was doing the same? What if he was seeking a closure too? What if all those text yg of course i yg jadi noktah nyer was actually the way he let me go? I mean, he didnt reply anything after that and just gone. The reason nape we still talking is because of me. Because i didnt stop texting him. Because i didnt get it. Because im a blind person who have almost perfectly two eyeballs. He was ready to go but im the one who hold him back. What if it was all me? What if it was all my fault all these time. What if? Bila fikir balik, it could be kan?

Well no worries joe. I get it now. And im letting you go now.

Maybe once upon a time we were in love with each other. Once upon a time we were good to be with each other. I mean come on the flirty, the secret names, the routine that we did. But i guess our times is up. We miss our chance. Now everything just seems pointless and not meant to be. Once upon a time we shared our hopes and dream and darkest past. But i guess now we both want different things. We both are a different person now. We both change. 

There was the time that i miss everything. I miss him. I miss us. But sometime i rasa mcm bila i ckp i rindu dia mcm i tipu diri i sendiri. Because honestly i miss the old him. The joe that i knew before he disappear. But i do really miss us. Miss the conversation we had, the argument, everything. From the never ending cite pasal vespa to tubuhkn band together to our silly games. I do remember those late night conversation and that april fool he prank me. I still hold on to our hopes and dreams somehow. Actually i still believe that i could still fight it. I still have faith that i can make it like it used to be. But what for? We all know that it gonna ruin again. Because some things cant be fixed, some relationship cannot be mended. You just have to live with it. You just have to accept it and move on. All you had now was the memories that you carry with you as it become part of you now.

He is a great guy. He was once rock my world. He was once my person. But we just not meant to be together. And even though it break my heart because i just didnt lose the love of my life, but also my best friend. But it just not meant to be. He been telling me all these time. He been showing me all these sign. He was sure something wonderful died between us. We had our chance but we miss it. Nothing last forever. I thought i had time. I know that i will lose him somewhere in the future and i try to prepare myself for it. But somehow when it did happen, all those preparation is pointless. When it do happen, you just become numb and try to put the pieces together. You try to understand it and you start to blame yourself and keep on wondering the 'what if' game. And thats what happen to me. Because he was long gone and i just started to accept it and let him go.

Now i realize that all these constant of leaving me hanging was actually a sign that he's gonna leave me. He has been preparing myself for his departure. He make sure that i prepared if he is no longer here for me. He was the one who make sure i learn to be independent and not depend so much on him anymore after all these year of being together. I never regret meeting him. Because even with this not so good memories, there are so many good times when we were together. And thats i hold on to, thats what i miss the most somehow.

But i guess it is time to go. You are no longer my sunshine. And now im giving you up and im forgive it all. Thank you for everything all these years. But it was all over now.

Seek a closure - plan

I just realize that i am like so similar to April Kepner. I just feel like i cant rest in peace until i get my closure. I was actually seeking for some answer or explanation but obviously i wont gonna get any. Sebab i dh try dh dlu. Remember my burst out to him? Well, actually tu macam closure gak bagi i. I was expecting him to ignore it like he usually does. I mean he was so good at it but on certain thing, he just stink at it somehow. Why cant he be like ashraf. He knows i need a closure. He knows how tak aman nyer i if i tak dapat closure. So he just let it go, let me out my rage or what ever i wanna said. He knows me better. And you just make me furious most of the time.

I mean i tau u nak stand out urself or something. But no need ok. Because all those long messages that you type was seriously not what i interested with. I mean i know you say you are afraid, that you dont want to get you heart broken again and if it meant to be, it meant to be. Well, you fucking break my heart anyway. Because i dont fucking care if we are a couple or not. I mean i did hope a little bit after a while. But i understand. It was like how Christina doesnt want a baby at all. I understand and accept it. Wlaupun just like Owen, i carry this issue until i die unless somehow i move on and just let it go. What i dont understand is that how after all these year, you start to questioning some stuff and asking me not to do things i used to do to you and most of the time you just push me away. What happen to 'i like you too' and 'i will always be here for you', 'i will never leave'. What happen to that huh? 

Yesterday, i had like this long messages i make in my head for you. I feel like i nak sent these text to you on your birthday because i know how much you gonna hate me for wishing you sebab you bajet tak nak ada sorng pun kwn you yg wish you. Only your family. Well, you can go fuck yourself. Because this year, i wont allow you. And lepas i msg tu, i akan block you macam yg sepatutnya i buat long time ago. So ni mcm redemption untuk i sebab buat kesalahan besar dlu. Bape lama block tu. Well, depends. Sampai i rasa the coast is clear baru i unblock. It seems like a good plan to me. This way i will get my closure without you need to interfere it. Sebab seriously you tak perlu cakap apa. Even i tak nak dengar you punyer thank you plus that long bebel psl taknak orng lain wish. Gi mampus lah.You were so good in ignoring my text and push me away. So do me a favor and do your thing during that time. 

Tapi tu just like a draf plan jelah. Tak tau lah nak execute ke tak lagi. It all depends on my emotion and mood on that particular event. Because i am probably gonna change my mind over and over again. But it was such a good word, and a good exit. I feel badass somehow. Nak lagi badass, of course ruin his life for good. Tapi masa i sangat precious untuk wasting my time for him and beside i rasa mcm i dah membazirkan banyak masa untuk dia. 10 tahun kenal kot. And lepas i habis matrik, dia berubah. So do your math on how many years had i just wasted. 

I wrote with anger so pardon my language. So in the meantime, that was the plan. Anything in the future will be updated.

Better off this wayyy...

Being failed in a relationship quite a few times doesnt really crush my spirit of finding true love to be honest. I always believe that we all deserve someone who accept our flaw and be there to comfort us when things got rough. Ashraf was the only guy i'm serious with and i thought he was the one even with the on and off relationship. At that time, i thought we were meant to be, we cant get enough of each other and thats why we keep coming back after a fight. The thing is we were perfect for each other as a friend. He always understood me and always know how to comfort me. We still friends actually and we did catch up with our lives some time. And i was grateful with this friendship built after a relationship meltdown. Lols. 

But somehow after ending everything with joe this time around, makes me feel something else. Actually this was like my first time of being single and free eventhough joe and i wasnt really a couple. But i put too much in this relationship, i commit like we are somehow a couple. As you may or may not know, i meet a few good guys along the way but somehow this cover with blister heart of mine loyal to joe. So, technically even when my status was single that time, my heart doesnt. However, this time around, i am truly single. I didnt have crush on anyone or even commit to anyone.. This was actually good sebab at least for now i can learn how to stand with my own to feet and know who i want to be, know who i really am. I realize yg all these time i'm with ashraf and joe, i was so dependable on them. Sebab tu bila dorng pergi, i hilang arah and it feels like half of me just dead. Sebab i terlalu depend on dorng smpai i loss myself in the process. So this time around, its time for me to find myself and be independent.

I didnt lose hope on love or finding someone to spend the rest of my life with. I just dont think that idea is relevant anymore. And the idea of me falling in love again seems like an illusion. But maybe somewhere in the future i might falling in love again tapi entahlah. My heart kinda close for anyone right now. Maybe it seems like it was all because of him. Maybe but the heart just tired of getting hurt and care too much and being let down all over again. Maybe i am better off alone. And even if i am. I totally fine with it. People are like so judgmental and narrow minded. So what if i dont want to settle down and so what if i want to live happily single? This is an era where women are independent and capable of doing things on their own. We dont need a man. I dont need a prince. At this moment, this is what i think lah. We never know what the future holds for us.

Single is good. Single is better. There is nothing wrong with being single or alone. You get to know yourself and you got to do the things you wanna do all this time. I bet a few of the things in your bucket list has been cross off or add in. It is okay to be single and not rush in love. Love will come in various unexpected ways. Dont plan it. Just go with the flow. Lived your life and be happy guys. Have fun while you can. Sebab lepas you kahwin, everything "terikat". So enjoy your single life while you still can and be happy guys. Be really happy. and thankful with everything.