Seek a closure - plan

I just realize that i am like so similar to April Kepner. I just feel like i cant rest in peace until i get my closure. I was actually seeking for some answer or explanation but obviously i wont gonna get any. Sebab i dh try dh dlu. Remember my burst out to him? Well, actually tu macam closure gak bagi i. I was expecting him to ignore it like he usually does. I mean he was so good at it but on certain thing, he just stink at it somehow. Why cant he be like ashraf. He knows i need a closure. He knows how tak aman nyer i if i tak dapat closure. So he just let it go, let me out my rage or what ever i wanna said. He knows me better. And you just make me furious most of the time.

I mean i tau u nak stand out urself or something. But no need ok. Because all those long messages that you type was seriously not what i interested with. I mean i know you say you are afraid, that you dont want to get you heart broken again and if it meant to be, it meant to be. Well, you fucking break my heart anyway. Because i dont fucking care if we are a couple or not. I mean i did hope a little bit after a while. But i understand. It was like how Christina doesnt want a baby at all. I understand and accept it. Wlaupun just like Owen, i carry this issue until i die unless somehow i move on and just let it go. What i dont understand is that how after all these year, you start to questioning some stuff and asking me not to do things i used to do to you and most of the time you just push me away. What happen to 'i like you too' and 'i will always be here for you', 'i will never leave'. What happen to that huh? 

Yesterday, i had like this long messages i make in my head for you. I feel like i nak sent these text to you on your birthday because i know how much you gonna hate me for wishing you sebab you bajet tak nak ada sorng pun kwn you yg wish you. Only your family. Well, you can go fuck yourself. Because this year, i wont allow you. And lepas i msg tu, i akan block you macam yg sepatutnya i buat long time ago. So ni mcm redemption untuk i sebab buat kesalahan besar dlu. Bape lama block tu. Well, depends. Sampai i rasa the coast is clear baru i unblock. It seems like a good plan to me. This way i will get my closure without you need to interfere it. Sebab seriously you tak perlu cakap apa. Even i tak nak dengar you punyer thank you plus that long bebel psl taknak orng lain wish. Gi mampus lah.You were so good in ignoring my text and push me away. So do me a favor and do your thing during that time. 

Tapi tu just like a draf plan jelah. Tak tau lah nak execute ke tak lagi. It all depends on my emotion and mood on that particular event. Because i am probably gonna change my mind over and over again. But it was such a good word, and a good exit. I feel badass somehow. Nak lagi badass, of course ruin his life for good. Tapi masa i sangat precious untuk wasting my time for him and beside i rasa mcm i dah membazirkan banyak masa untuk dia. 10 tahun kenal kot. And lepas i habis matrik, dia berubah. So do your math on how many years had i just wasted. 

I wrote with anger so pardon my language. So in the meantime, that was the plan. Anything in the future will be updated.