Acceptance

 I did not feel like I was moving on, not completely. There was a time when everything seems so hard and all I want to do was curl up on my bed, cry my heart out while listening to Taylor Swift. But there was a time when everything was okay and I started to see the 'reason' behind everything happen for a reason. 

Of course, it did not happen in one night. And it is not depending on how many years you were together. That was a myth. It happens slowly but surely. It is not easy. But you get through it somehow. 

I know I'm going to talk mostly about weddings here but that just because he pop out the question then maybe he got cold feet and run away, and ask me to forget all about it as if it was just a meaningless word. Yep, so casually cruel in the name of being honest.

I might move on but I never forget. This was one of the wounds that leave a deeper scar and they last they last.

On Angah's day, he said he will come. It was a day he could not miss as Angah was his friend too. Even though I did not put high hope, I still wish he will come. I wear my best outfit at that time. I was preparing myself to meet him. I kept texting him to update him. I'm searching for his familiar face. I texted and then I called. But everything was left unanswered. Even though I put my brave and happy face on, God knows I'm falling apart deep down inside. I never get even an apology or some petty excuses. I think that was the turning point. And that was the moment I knew.

On Nadh's day, I still hold on to his words. I still hope that everything will be fine again. I imagine this was could be us one day. It will be perfect and we look so happy. 

On Mai's day, I already let go of the idea of us but there was always this 'what if' lingering in my head. I still hope he changes his mind and that he would come back. He will say all the right things. He will be here... and I would've been so happy.

On Farah's day. Honestly, I did not feel anything. I no longer hope. I knew we never stood a chance and that we will never be meant to be together. And for the first time, I am fine with that. I started to see why it happen the way it happen. I started to accept, that everything happens for a reason. I can no longer picture us together again. That dream or imagine was just a pigment that was slowly fading away, blown by the wind. Yes, I do miss him, miss us, and that the flashback sometimes crept back. But it goes away as time goes by. And it didn't feel hurting like it was before. 

And I started to see changes in myself after I have redha with everything and accept for what it is. I no longer has to fake a smile or pretend that I was happy and that everything was fine. Now I could say I'm genuinely happy. Happy with my life, happy with the choice I made. I no longer force things and let everything run its course. If it is meant to be, it will be. I am starting to write again. Not a lot like before but one or two posts a month was enough. Getting my old self back was not easy, but I started to love every bit, piece of myself. I think for now that's what's matters.

Dream, past and remembering

 I did not know if it was a RED season or what but I feel of writing this, to pour this heartfelt that I felt for quite some time. I just realize that the last time that I was here was like 6 months ago. But maybe it was time to go and write again. I mean it won't be active like I used to but I might write when I feel like it. 

Before we began, let just talk about RED first. Oh my goodness, all too well was my favorite, always. The usual one is perfect, but the new long version was even better. I always thought that this song was meant for Ashraf. But after some time, I kinda listen to it when I feel sad or miss him. So the song was now dedicated to him. However, somehow the longer version one was perfectly dedicated to him by me. There are a few sentences or words in that lyric that resemble the things I had with him. But I guess RED will always be for Ashraf. After all, I did write a post about him with that title honestly.

Okay, let's move forward to the reason I was here. 

I guess I never wrote this after it happen. But somewhere around March this year, he came to my dream. I don't quite remember what the dream was now. But he did appear in my dream quite a few times that I continue to sleep so that I could see him even though he did not say much. But I did see him. And I was sad when I wake up as it was only a dream. A week before this dream, I did talk about him to Farah. Mostly about what happened. So after that talk, I just can't stop thinking about him. I missed him so very much. It feel like a week where I felt that way and just miss everything about him, about us. The flashback kept creeping on and he kept double-crossing my mind. It was like, they say all wells that end well but I am in new hell. 

Then, on the night of Tina's bachelorette party, I accidentally call him. I don't know how as the name of the person I was meant to call was different and in fact far from the letter of his name. I drop it once I realize it. After an hour, he called me back but I say 'wrong number, sorry'. And my day getting worse. Nope, I think the next day of it was getting worsen. Usually, I will only have a week to have this kind of breakdown but this has been a few weeks and weeks turn to month. The heart won't rest and the mind kept playing the flashback. But I keep calm and let the heart, mind, and soul feel what it needs to feel. It took quite some time to recover. Feels like I just took numerous steps back but I was fine afterward.

But he called me out of a sudden. He called when everything was back to normal and fine. I did not answer it a first as I thought I was dreaming. But he called me the second time and I hear his voice. His rough-the kind I like- voice. I quite feel my heartbeat fast as usual and everything feels dead silent. We talk for quite a while and I was happy and glad to know that he was okay and everything went well for him. He said he will call again later but he never did. Up until now. But I did not mind much as I felt maybe this is the 'closer' that I was looking for. So I felt grateful instead.

I could say that we go our own separate way after that call. Never to heard and know again. And it was okay. But there is always one of those days that I thought about him and reminisce about the past where everything was good between us. And yeah sometimes I do wonder if he remembers it all too well.

It has been quite a while and today he appeared in my dream. It felt real. And I never thought I saw him so clear, so vivid. At first, I thought it was just a random dream. But there he was with his old grey/green pleated shirt. Watch me, smile at me. I did not say anything as I am still shocked. The funny thing I say was. 'you never call and say anything. so I move on with my life. He smile and hugged me. Every dreamt I had of him, he never say enough or anything. He just does a random gesture or smiles. We got married in that dreamt of mine. And I could feel in my bones that this was just a dream and I want out. I want to wake up. I don't want this. I never want this anymore. 

I got out and wake up. But even when I say I don't care and that it is just a dream. I still think of that dream. But his vivid face was slowly disappearing and fading from my mind. Thus, before I forget all about it, I wrote it here. And layer if I came back and read it, I will remember it all too well.

Forgive yourself

 I believe that when you are on your own and you took some time to self-reflect, you realize that there a million stupid things you did and that oh-so-wrong decision. Seriously, what was I thinking? But then if you look back, it somehow makes you who you are today. This is when people say things happen for a reason even though you did not know what it was. But eventually, you do. 

Honestly, holding on to a one-sided relationship or friendship seems like an idiot move but that time you feel like this is that one person who understood me and then there are these memories that we had all this while. I can't just push aside and act as it did not exist. Cause it did. I hate when people said that every relationship or friendship has an expiry date cause I believe in forever and I am all for a long haul. But that's how life works and people are people, they are not bound to stay in one place. They grew apart and grew up. 

Letting go of a 15years of relationship was not easy but it was a thing that I know I had to do. I feel like I did not who I am anymore. I could feel little pieces of me being shredded and burn. The worst thing was that there is literally nothing I could do except stand and watch it burns. But after quite some time, you just grew tired with this shit and you start to look for a way out. You start to make a list of the staying and the leaving. And even though a part of you fighting to not let go but you did anyway. One day, when it decided, you just pack your things and leave a goodbye note. 

A few months was not easy, you start to battle with yourself again, that this was a wrong move at all. Who the fuck leaving more than a decade of relationship. Seriously! But you did. And slowly you start to pick some pace and move on. The 'he' just a figment of memory that exists at the back of your mind. Even though I like to go there sometimes just to reminisce but most of the time I was good. 

And it becomes even better when you start to forgive yourself. 

Forgive yourself for the wrong thing you did. Forgive yourself for that stupid decision you made. Forgive yourself for stay and holding on so long, thinking that someday he will change and realize. Forgive yourself for putting too much effort and hope into this sinking ship. Forgive yourself to look best on people even though they treat you like shit. Forgive yourself for leaving when it no longer serve you and make you happy. Forgive yourself for losing the best part of your old version. Forgive yourself for loving too deep and innocently. Forgive yourself for the wasted tears you shed in the middle of the night when the memories and flashback came creeping back. Forgive yourself for closing too many doors when you thought you had finally found the one.

But the most important thing, forgive yourself for not putting yourself first, not to love and cherish your own self as now you get a chance to do it. So cherish every bit of it. Life too short for this almost-uncertainty love. Open those door and your heart as great things awaits you in front. Good things take time, so trust His timing.

Everything happen for a reason

After quite some time feeling depressed and useless and a few post of regrets and negativity, the sun is finally shine again and new beginning awake. Hope is all in us. But in this one, it is in me? Hahaha..

Alhamdulilah, finally i settle with a job that well, not perfect but it was enough for now. I had the desk that i always wanted and a fix hour that i always wished. Alhamdulilah, after a few bump roads, i finally settle for an almost perfect position as claim officer. Yeah, sis tak lari dari insurance industry but this is way better since i tak perlu lagi nk hadap sales. Kene fkir mana nk korek sales. Now, i just process the claim, siapkan kerje i and tak perlu fkir apa dah. Balik just chill je. Alhamdulilah for this kind of opportunity. Im like so thankful that i feel like i wanna fill in this post with my gratitude to Allah. Alhamdulilah alhamdulilah alhamdulilah.

After a month and get my first paycheck after so long, i decided to post it. I mean i dont wanna jinx it like i used to before this. Yelah dlu lepas AIA and start with Allianz and then almost with Teledirect but now Henner is part of home. I hope everything goes well and paling kurang pun setahun lah i kat sana but still hope for much longer years. Dia nyer benefit was so much better. With a good medical benefit and increment on salary after a year. Salary okay, lebih sket dari AIA and at least they are firmed with the salary wlaupun tak betul waktu dia masuk kn duit sbb ikut France kan. But okay lah dri Allianz. Tanya nk salary bape tapi end of month habuk je dapat. Pastu bagi alasan kata nk kene setelkn training dlu. Stupid. Give me false hope. Well, i hope you get what you deserve at the end. I wish nothing not even the best. 

But then i believe things happen for a reason. If these thing tak jadi, i wont know that these kind of people exist in this world. I learn a thing or two through this experience. I should have asked more. I should be cautious. And most importantly i should have follow my heart. Sebab actually dari awal lagi i ada bad feeling. Kalo tak takkan lah i still searching for a new job before i even start the job. Go for interview and searching and applying some more. Then on my very first day i start my job pun i dah start cari kerje lain. Not to mention i waste quite a few hours waiting for my boss. I basically tak buat pape pun on my first week. Takyah ckp lah apa i rasa seterusnya. It was a very very bad feeling. I tak pernah rasa benci kat orng mcm ni tau. Slalu tahap tak suka je. And i never felt this broke. 

Then, with teledirect, i took it because i need the money. Walaupun ye i boleh je pinjam kat parents i dlu but u paham tak on your age and you still borrowing from your parents. I feel so ashamed with my own self. And i guess that is when this depress and useless and overthinking feeling came. I was in a dark place for quite sometime but alhamdulilah im better now. I was fine and im finally allow myself feel happy. I make myself busy with work so i wont think about joe so often. I redha with everything even though there were time when he visited in my dream or a glimpse of his reflection appear in my mind when i on train and this butterfly feeling, it always there and always will i guess, for now. 

I believe that things happen for a reason. And i believe it occur in the first place to teach us a lesson or two. Even though sometime it take time to realize the reason of it happen is for what. But somehow soon or later, you would see it and trust it make sense in the end. Like if i tak join Allianz, i wont get myself an ipad walaupun ada kemungkinan i memang akan beli nnti in the future but now i got sooner. Hihihi.. and of course jumpa this kind of people and be in this kind of situation. Everything happen for a reason. It always does. It just take some time for us to realize the good side of it. 

Btw, selamat berpuasa semua :)

The throwback and the comeback

I took some time off to cool down. I took myself off with all these social things for awhile. Sebab tu i tak post pape last month. Sebab tu that break down post of mine was the last for july. The thing is, i thought i be okay. I thought i was already okay. I thought i was happy and move on and okay. But somehow i am not. That missing part was the worst. I hope the next time i feel that kind of miss wouldnt be that strong or worse. 

Now, I still try to keep up and live my life without he's in it. Oh i lupa nak ckp. I rasa lah mcm i lupa. Before before this kan i already block him and delete his number. Slowly deleting the conversation dari zaman matriks lagi. Lama giler kot. Tu tak campur lagi mesej2 dari zaman sklah lagi. Yelah time tu kan tak wujud lagi whatsapp ni. But that was all in my old phones. Reason i simpan fon lama2 i tu was because of this sweet innocent messages that i like to go once in awhile somehow. I know, cheesy kan. Hahaha.. But it was all the whole truth. Wlaupun tak ler slalu on fon tu and baca balik msg2 tu semua. Tapi pernah lah. 

I go back the other day, and somehow it never fail to put a smile on my face. Eventhough lot have change now but still, it was all a very good memory. It make me realize that everything was sweet and lovely that time. We both mmg jarang mesej. Maybe bila something happen or maybe bila rindu kot. Tapi sebab jarang borak ler that makes everything exciting. And of course ber jam2 gak msg. Ingt lagi kredit habis sbb mesej, sanggup redeem point nk dpt 100 free text. I rasa mcm lagi exciting msg ngan joe dri ashraf. Hihihihi.. Sorry. Lols. We flirt like crazy kot that time tapi still i tak pernah ada perasaan ske dri sorng kwn pun. Nak lak masa tu i tgh couple dgn orng tu lah orng ni lah. But ashraf was like the last and serious bf i ever had. I start ada feeling kt joe pun masa tu dh break ngan ashraf masa form 4. Tapi sbb tak nak ruin friendship ni, i pendam jelah. Wlaupun ada masa rasa mcm nk bgitau je. And then to prevent this crush become strong, i pun terima ashraf balik. 

But still, the feeling never goes away. I find myself missing joe and bila fon i bunyi, i was hoping it was joe. Yeah, obviously i cheat kn time tu. I know i was with wrong person that time tpi entahlah. Sampailah i rasa ashraf pun maybe dpt rasa how unhappy i was with him and that maybe we both in wrong relationship now. So we broke up but still i rindu ashraf tpi i tau feeling tu dh tak macam dlu pun. So i start to talk to joe and we were okay. Bagi i dapat borak dgn dia pun dah bahagiakn diri i. Still, i kept my feelings to myself only.

Then masuk matriks, i meet a few guys but somehow he is still on my mind. And wlaupun i tau dia dah move on and have a few gf but still, the feeling was there. And weirdly i tak rasa jealous langsung bila dia cite psl gf dia. I remember bgitau dila yg rasa dia tu mcm, ' do what you want joe, im not gonna be jealous because i know at the end, you were mine'. Pergh, confidence giler. Tpi really, i tak pernah rasa jealous sebab tu i pernh ckp lagu "Teardrop on my guitar' by taylor tu sgt tak sesuai tok i because there were never tear to be drop anywhere. Even though joe with some other girl, we still good. We still talk mcm dlu2. We still could fight and flirt and joke. Everything was really good compare to sekrng lah. And i knew some of his gf sbb dia kenalkn i as kawan baik dia. Terharu giler beb. Hahaha.. 

But somehow after i dapat masuk ukm masa tu sem 2 kot ke sem 3, nothing was the same anymore. Everything is changing. And wlaupun i tau i takde buat salah (that confident level though) but still i rasa mcm i ada buat salah sebab i msg tak jawab, call jgn ckp lah. It was so hard to get hold of him. I rasa adalah gak dlm 6 month dia senyap kn diri. But still i msg dia once in awhile hoping that one of those time, dia balas. Time ni mmg lah i ske dia dah tpi dia tak tau pun. And effort ni semua bukan based on i ske dia ok, more to like he was my best friend. And of course i worry kalo tetbe best friend i senyap mcm ni. If it happen to the girls or fiqah, of course sis gonna act this way. But somehow ada lah gak rasa nk give up nyer. So as usual, i pick his birthday to wish him the best. I dah give up dah time tu tapi time tulah tetbe dia balas. It was like, a sign mcm dont give up on me just yet.

We talked tapi tak lama and something was off. Pastu dia senyap kembali. And i rasa mcm sgt2 down. It was like half of me just die tapi hidup harus diteruskan. So i move on slowy and live my life. Dah kalo orng taknak kawan ngan kita, takkan kita nk paksa kan. But still feeling tu ada tapi tak kuat sgt. And in order to hapus kan terus, i pun berkenalan lah dgn a few guy. Had crush on this one particular guy and somehow lagu enchated always be dedicated to him. Then come to point yg i nk give up, i nk blah tapi i nk bgitau dia yg i ske dia so that i tak rasa regret sbb tak luahkn. So bila i dah luahkn, i can go on. I taknak tau jwpan dia. Kalo dia ckp tak ske i, bgus gak. Lagi boleh move on kan. Ala sakit tu sket je, lama lama okay lah. Mcm tak pernah rasa heartbreak je. Hahaha.. But then he told me he like me too and everything after this is a history.

Well, like you guys tau. Ckp ske but treat me like shit. So what i can conclude is that maybe he did like me but the time is not right. It is too late. Sbb i ske dia masa form 4 and confess masa sem 5. Adalh dlm 5 tahun kot. See, 5 years late. And maybe he said it sebab nk jaga hati i je and now he change his mind and hope i faham and blah. The reason i wrote this pnjang2, it just to remind myself the reason why i need to go on because nothing was the same anymore. Yeah, we had a great memories back then, but everything change now. He's move on and so i need to do the same.

It was not just the old messages i go through. It was also the old post i wrote for him, about him many many years ago. How suddenly we talked about marriage and all. How he talked about jodoh with me. And i have seen lot of change. Lot have gone out of its original track. I guess, if it meant to be, somehow we will find our back. Somehow but not for me, not for this story i wrote. Ours dont have a happy ending. Ours only had a happy memories that i like to go back once in awhile. You were my soulmate, my person somehow and you will always be my best guyfriend. But i guess it all end here somehow.

So yeah i need to be that happy nasuha again. The one that didnt care a thing. The one that wont let anything hold her down. The one that fearless and not really heartless sebab always has an aww moment bila nampak kucing. Hahaha.. So yeah, here's to the throwback and the comeback. Here's to start of something new. 

Oh btw, alhamdulilah. Along dh sah jadi laki orng awal Sept aritu. I pun busy gak that time preparing and tolong apa patut. But everything is done now and i wish and pray everything went well and happy for along and his bride. Tgk orng kahwin, rasa nk kahwin gak but then i remember calon i masih sesat nk cari i or maybe hilang dari radar terus calon i ni. Hahahaha.. And the amount of question psl lepas ni i kinda get old and annoying. But whatever, biasalah pak cik mak cik atok nenek sedara, that was the very common favorite question from them and unpleasant definitely not favorite at all question for someone like me. Hahahaha.. Lols.

Maybe it ends for good

I had a pep talk with my mom the other day. From ashraf to a few guys yg i kenal to joe. I could tell you details for each of it but it gonna be long, so just bear with me okay. 

I tak tau mcm mne ley terckp psl ashraf actually but i do know that i mention about talking with my ex macam biasa je sbb masing masing dh move on kan. And mommy was like is he your first love and of course i cakap ye. He was somehow. I mean i imagine my life with him. I thought he was the one for me, he was in fact my prince charming in shining amour. I even ready to settle down with him. Well, once upon a time lah. Hahahaha.. Mommy tanya npe kteorng break. Well, there is no more chemistry between us. Yeah, we love each other but it wasnt the same anymore. We both want different things, we both are different people. Break pun cara baik. Mutual. Memang lah sedih tapi it was actually the best decision i ever made. I tak pernah rasa lapang giler lepas break dgn dia. I mean it is not that it wasnt good. It was good. Cuma tu lah takde jodoh and i redha. Im pretty fine with it. Beside it was all past tense now. We both move on with our own lives now.

Then, mommy tanya psl abg saga yg slalu hntr i balik kolej lepas kelas mandarin or kekdg gi makan and borak borak. But we always talk in facebook so lepas i delete facebook, of course ler ter delete dia sekali.  I ada lah crush sket kt dia tpi sket sgt and kejap sgt sbb time tu kan tgh crush giler giler kt joe. And i guess he knows that i anggap kawan je sbb i layan pun biasa je. Takde apa pun. Kalo tetbe somewhere in the future terjumpa, mungkin ada jodoh kot? Hahahahaha...

I tak ingt yg i ada cite kt mommy psl this rebound guy yg i kenal pastu dia ajak kahwin. But yeah mommy asked me about him. Of course ler i tak ambik tau psl dia dh. Lost contact terus. Yelah, kteorng baru je kenal a few months, couple pun tidak, flirt tu perkara biasa. Then tetbe dia tanya bila boleh dia jumpa parents i. Eh, nk buat apa? Rupanya nk mintak permission nk kahwin. Well, i terkedu and i really know yg i tak ready and i memamg taknak. I baru 21 tahun kot that time. Im still young and wild and free. Im just not ready to settle down. So, i block dia and terus cabut lari. Senang ckp i lari lah macam amelia sherpard masa nk kahwin dgn owen hunt cuma dia dtg balik. I lari terus tak patah balik, tak toleh belakang pun. Mommy was like serious lah, tak patut tau, you should just stay and beside he really was ready. Yelah dia ready tapi i tak. And kalo i stay tak ke bermaksud yg i bagi dia harapan palsu. I taknak terima orng tu sbb i kesian. Ni soal kahwin. Kalo couple tu takpelah. Boleh mintak break je bebila, cheating pun tak rasa bersalah sgt. Ni kahwin kot. Besar responsibility dia. So i pun angkat barang and blah. It was the right thing to do. If i could turn back the time, i do exactly the same all over again. Seriously. 

Then, there was joe... Mommy tanya if dia ada call i tak. And i said no because we dont talk anymore. We had fight and im tired of being the one yg mengalah. Im tired. He just changed. And what he did last year, i still cant let go. Mommy tak side aku and tak side joe gak. But she did give me a good advice. Kinda good. I kan ego. Hahahaha... 

She told me that it is normal for a guy to change because they are trying to be mature. Bila dgr ni kan tetbe rasa mcm ok maybe it was my fault for being an ass sbb tak fhm dia. But then again, it is still doesnt explain why he did all those thing tahun lepas. And the fact that he didnt do anything. He didnt even stop me to leave. He just let me go. Maybe that whats he trying to do all this time. Cuma i je tak reti reti pegi. Tak faham faham. I pun ada advice for my own dear self. A very good advice i assure you.

"People change and they will constantly change. So just suck it up, accept it, move on and let go if somehow they are not fit in our lives."

 It is true though. People will change through out their lives. It was the way they improve themselves or finding themselves or just go on with their lives. We had no power to control the change and we cant control how we change. Kalo rasa macam tak boleh keep up or terima then just walk away. It was hard. Especially kalo kau dh kenal 10 tahun, dh biasa dgn orng tu, dh faham dh psl orng tu. After all, bila dua hidup dah sebati, tak semudah tu untuk dileraikan. But live has to go on kan...

 

It wasnt that easy actually. It was freaking hard. Everyday i battle myself whether i should text him or not. Even lepas mommy bagi advice tu pun i terfkir nk text dia, nk lpe semua ni. Tapi hati tak mahu. For the first time, the heart doesnt want what it wants anymore. And bila i hesitate, i know that i shouldnt go on with this text. Mungkin satu hari nanti. Mungkin. Beside dia pun takde cari i kan. I mean i tau i keep on block him, unblock him. But he can always call me or text me. He could if he care. And the way he did right now just shown the other way around.

This has always been one sided friendship. I give, he takes and thats how it work.  For the past few years, everytime i wanna just talk to him, he is too busy for it. He never been there when i need him anymore. And i try to be okay with it, i try to act tough and somehow it consume me. The reason nape i hold on selama ni pun sebab i fkir kita kenal dh lama, kawan dh lama. He kept on saying the same thing every time i point out rasa hati i. But what does it even mean? He kept saying it until i rasa macam perkataan tu jadi meaningless dh sekrng. Yeah, kita kenal dh lama but why does it feel like it was only me yg cuba pertahankan sedangkan you tinggalkn i macam tu je. Blah macam tu je. Bila you rasa you perlukan i, you datang. Tapi bila i perlu kan you, all i had was nothing, all i get was silence from you. I wish you can just admit it that you move on from us as friend which is fine for me by the way but just admit it. 

To be really honest, i still wait for him though. I still am somehow. But it has been 2 weeks and his name never shown up on my phone. Maybe it is time to give up now. If there is no reason to stay, maybe it is a good reason to leave now. Beside sampai bila nk tunggu kann??? Ada gak lah fkir nk random msg dia tpi i nk ckp apa je, I rasa mcm i dh bagi point i now giliran dia lah pulak kan. But im tired waiting for him. I bukan mcm edward snggup tunggu bella for thousand years. Ajal pun bebila je boleh datang. So maybe instead of waiting for him, i should just focus on myself, of loving myself. 

Well, i wish that our story will be the greatest ever even though it did not have a happy ending. I always know we gonna go on our own way. It just never occur to me that it happen now and like this. I thought it will be when you marry the girl of your dream and i marry mine or not but it will be like dlm video clip Happy by Leona Lewis. Either way it gonna end anyway. We had our good and bad times and i cherish every moment i had with you. It sadden me that this is how it ends but somehow this is how it ends. Maybe somewhere in the future we meet again and we could laugh how foolish we both are or maybe we never cross path anymore. But i wish you the best in everything you do and pray that Allah always protect you and lead you. You were my best friend joe. You are. But im tired of waiting and fixing and making excuses and fight for it. Im really tired. At some point, we just have to accept it, let go and move on. Maybe this is the best for both of us. Maybe it ends for good.

This is what it feels like

I guess this is what drug addict or smoker feels like. You know it was bad for you and you know you gotta stay the hell away from it for good but somehow there was the time when your heart desire for it, craving for it. And it makes you feel crazy for wanting it and battling it. Because you know it was bad for you but somehow you cant resist it. The adrenaline it give to you as it excites you or bring you to somewhere better than the reality itself. And you feel shiver because you know you cant have it. Because if you have it, it will ruin you all over again.

And that is exactly the picture that im having right now. The urge to text him and saying that im sorry and i wanna take it back whatever i said and i want us to be back as we were suppose to. But i know that if i did this. I will be ruin and completely lose myself. Because this is exactly what happen before this. I have this anger inside me and i burst it out to him and he act as he dont care and it is killing me inside of this silent treatment. So i smash all those bricks that i built for my wall. And i ran back to him and take back whatever i said and we were okay again. But it wasnt long until he did it again, until he hurt me and i was ruin all over again.

This is what it feels like to resist the feeling of going back to what ruin you and taste it for one last time. But there will be no next time. Because once you going back, you would never want to leave. You would want to stay there. Because to you it was your safe heaven, to you this is everything you ever want, to you, you just cant risk it and lose it again. You would want to stay even though you know that you will getting hurt again. 

I kept on reminded myself that i need to go on. I need to leave, to go away. It wasnt his fault and it wasnt mine. It just not meant to be. And fixing it just going to make it worse. Because you will lose yourself and getting hurt and somehow you will get use of the pain that slowly make you feel numb. I keep reminded myself that i need to leave because i have love to much and hate too much and i shouldnt hate him. I should love him and keep on loving him. They said if you love something, you need to let go. And it is true. Because one day you looking back and you would remember all those happy loving memory of you and him and reason why you love him. Thats why you need to leave while you still love him and hold on to those happy memories that once you both shared. 

This is what it feels like but it was nothing like drugs or cigarettes because i dont think so there are happy loving moment with those items because those are are not person obviously. But thats how it feels like.  Thats exactly what i feels like. I feel like the need to check myself in a rehab or go to support group or something. But i guess for now i just have to deal with it, let it flow, let time heals and keep on reading that motivation book about moving on that i once read when i broke up with ashraf. But this is a friend breakup which was much more worse than a breakup itself. But i get through this. I will get through this.

Look into the bright side

I know that i will always have this soft spot for him. I knew i do. Eventhough i say that i will never let him in, that i was mad at him, that i was moving on blah blah blah. He somehow always have the power to change my mind and melt me. He always knew what to say or do. And i fall again. I fall again hard on the floor.

There is something inside of me that give me hope especially when he said he wanted to meet so that i could show him all the anger i kept for him. And it give me hope that he has changed that we can somehow probably fix this, whatever this is. Yelah selama ni kn it was one sided. Now maybe can be two sided?

But there also a part of me that just give up. I dont want to give a try anymore. I try to save it and now im done. And i dont know if we can fix this anymore. I  know that there was this 10 or 11 years of friendship but what does it mean if you just gonna come and go right?  I give my all and now i had nothing to give anymore.

Still, i was waiting for him to make any move to make it right again. A chance to prove to me that he's change, that he's cared. So prove me joe. Prove it to me and showed me that it is worth of trying. Give me a good reason to stay coz i have none except of us being together for too fucking long. I give you one last chance because i had this thought that the universe want us to at least have it sort it out and even if we gonna be apart for good this time, at least it be a good goodbye, a good closure. Im trying to be positive here, about you, about me and about us.

But if there is nothing at all, if you wanna shut me again, then I want you to leave. Im tired. And im done. I did my best try to save us, to fix us. But i guess we cant be fix. This cant be save. And now I want you to go and never come back. I want you to go because i cannot deal with this anymore. I cant be the one who falls apart when you decide to leave again. I cant be the one who try to put the pieces together when you broke it and shatter it into a million pieces. I cant be the one who stay here in this silence and in this darkness full of your memory and us. I cant anymore.

So now im asking you to go if you had nothing to say. Just. Please. leave.

you no longer my sunshine

Changes was something that was hard for me to accept. I am no good in changes. But somehow changes happen very fast around me. In a second we were fine. Then in a minute we are not. And now you pack you things and gone and i was left here with these memories. There are so many things changes and it is not just my friendship with joe, but with other people too. But that was another story that a little bit personal since it is not my part to discuss it here.

Things change so fast that i cant really remember the last time we had a good conversation, a good laugh. I cant even remember the silly argument  we had. Or the last time you call me with these special name or just with my name. I cant remember when was the last time that you wish me birthday and how you wish me goodluck in anything that i do. I cant remember any of it. I try but i couldnt. All i had was why i was so mad at you. Like i could remember the good things but that was like long before you were gone. Or was it like nothing good ever happen after you came back? I do not know. I cant put the pieces quite right.

As i was trying to remember and put those pieces together, i realize something. I dont know if it was just my overthinking or it just a feeling. But this was one of the theory. Nasuha's theory. Lols. What if that all these time he was doing the same? What if he was seeking a closure too? What if all those text yg of course i yg jadi noktah nyer was actually the way he let me go? I mean, he didnt reply anything after that and just gone. The reason nape we still talking is because of me. Because i didnt stop texting him. Because i didnt get it. Because im a blind person who have almost perfectly two eyeballs. He was ready to go but im the one who hold him back. What if it was all me? What if it was all my fault all these time. What if? Bila fikir balik, it could be kan?

Well no worries joe. I get it now. And im letting you go now.

Maybe once upon a time we were in love with each other. Once upon a time we were good to be with each other. I mean come on the flirty, the secret names, the routine that we did. But i guess our times is up. We miss our chance. Now everything just seems pointless and not meant to be. Once upon a time we shared our hopes and dream and darkest past. But i guess now we both want different things. We both are a different person now. We both change. 

There was the time that i miss everything. I miss him. I miss us. But sometime i rasa mcm bila i ckp i rindu dia mcm i tipu diri i sendiri. Because honestly i miss the old him. The joe that i knew before he disappear. But i do really miss us. Miss the conversation we had, the argument, everything. From the never ending cite pasal vespa to tubuhkn band together to our silly games. I do remember those late night conversation and that april fool he prank me. I still hold on to our hopes and dreams somehow. Actually i still believe that i could still fight it. I still have faith that i can make it like it used to be. But what for? We all know that it gonna ruin again. Because some things cant be fixed, some relationship cannot be mended. You just have to live with it. You just have to accept it and move on. All you had now was the memories that you carry with you as it become part of you now.

He is a great guy. He was once rock my world. He was once my person. But we just not meant to be together. And even though it break my heart because i just didnt lose the love of my life, but also my best friend. But it just not meant to be. He been telling me all these time. He been showing me all these sign. He was sure something wonderful died between us. We had our chance but we miss it. Nothing last forever. I thought i had time. I know that i will lose him somewhere in the future and i try to prepare myself for it. But somehow when it did happen, all those preparation is pointless. When it do happen, you just become numb and try to put the pieces together. You try to understand it and you start to blame yourself and keep on wondering the 'what if' game. And thats what happen to me. Because he was long gone and i just started to accept it and let him go.

Now i realize that all these constant of leaving me hanging was actually a sign that he's gonna leave me. He has been preparing myself for his departure. He make sure that i prepared if he is no longer here for me. He was the one who make sure i learn to be independent and not depend so much on him anymore after all these year of being together. I never regret meeting him. Because even with this not so good memories, there are so many good times when we were together. And thats i hold on to, thats what i miss the most somehow.

But i guess it is time to go. You are no longer my sunshine. And now im giving you up and im forgive it all. Thank you for everything all these years. But it was all over now.

Seek a closure - plan

I just realize that i am like so similar to April Kepner. I just feel like i cant rest in peace until i get my closure. I was actually seeking for some answer or explanation but obviously i wont gonna get any. Sebab i dh try dh dlu. Remember my burst out to him? Well, actually tu macam closure gak bagi i. I was expecting him to ignore it like he usually does. I mean he was so good at it but on certain thing, he just stink at it somehow. Why cant he be like ashraf. He knows i need a closure. He knows how tak aman nyer i if i tak dapat closure. So he just let it go, let me out my rage or what ever i wanna said. He knows me better. And you just make me furious most of the time.

I mean i tau u nak stand out urself or something. But no need ok. Because all those long messages that you type was seriously not what i interested with. I mean i know you say you are afraid, that you dont want to get you heart broken again and if it meant to be, it meant to be. Well, you fucking break my heart anyway. Because i dont fucking care if we are a couple or not. I mean i did hope a little bit after a while. But i understand. It was like how Christina doesnt want a baby at all. I understand and accept it. Wlaupun just like Owen, i carry this issue until i die unless somehow i move on and just let it go. What i dont understand is that how after all these year, you start to questioning some stuff and asking me not to do things i used to do to you and most of the time you just push me away. What happen to 'i like you too' and 'i will always be here for you', 'i will never leave'. What happen to that huh? 

Yesterday, i had like this long messages i make in my head for you. I feel like i nak sent these text to you on your birthday because i know how much you gonna hate me for wishing you sebab you bajet tak nak ada sorng pun kwn you yg wish you. Only your family. Well, you can go fuck yourself. Because this year, i wont allow you. And lepas i msg tu, i akan block you macam yg sepatutnya i buat long time ago. So ni mcm redemption untuk i sebab buat kesalahan besar dlu. Bape lama block tu. Well, depends. Sampai i rasa the coast is clear baru i unblock. It seems like a good plan to me. This way i will get my closure without you need to interfere it. Sebab seriously you tak perlu cakap apa. Even i tak nak dengar you punyer thank you plus that long bebel psl taknak orng lain wish. Gi mampus lah.You were so good in ignoring my text and push me away. So do me a favor and do your thing during that time. 

Tapi tu just like a draf plan jelah. Tak tau lah nak execute ke tak lagi. It all depends on my emotion and mood on that particular event. Because i am probably gonna change my mind over and over again. But it was such a good word, and a good exit. I feel badass somehow. Nak lagi badass, of course ruin his life for good. Tapi masa i sangat precious untuk wasting my time for him and beside i rasa mcm i dah membazirkan banyak masa untuk dia. 10 tahun kenal kot. And lepas i habis matrik, dia berubah. So do your math on how many years had i just wasted. 

I wrote with anger so pardon my language. So in the meantime, that was the plan. Anything in the future will be updated.

To people who being let down by other people

After awhile, i learn that people will eventually come and go in your life. What you had now you may or may not going to have in next 10 years or 10 year ago. I mean, you met new people everyday throughout your journey. Some just to say hello and some will stay and knew you quite well. Either way. And then there are those people in your past. Who you know them too well. Who you had shared a laugh, a smile or even shed some tear together. But people change to someone they never say they will ever be or maybe they change to someone they are suppose to be. 

I hates goodbye. I truly truly hate it. I even hate break up and separation or anything in between. But that's life. Like i say people come and people go in our life. And we will face it throughout our life. That is why we need to learn how to let them go. If they meant for us, they come around. I know the heart break was suck but its okay. Cry until there are no tears streaming down, screaming until you lost your voice, curse or whatever to fill the satisfaction. Do anything to make you feel better again. But whatever it is dont you ever lose yourself. Dont you ever give up. I know its going to feel like the end of the world. Life suck but that's life. Boo-hoo! Suck it up. Be a man. 

I lost a few people in my life. Friends, foes or families. Some i was glad i finally walk away with but there are some that i wish i could fix it. But honestly there was nothing i could do except accept what it is and let them go. I could blame everyone around me like i always do but that wont make them come back. I could even blame myself. But it just the way it is. So, I just wish them the best and may Allah protect them and ease them in everything they do.

The past, they teach me lot of things. One of it was learn to let people go. And believe that whatever happen, its cool. If it meant to be, they come around eventually. Just like Joe. Well, i didnt meant the romantically. I value our friendship even more than the feeling i had towards him. He's my best guy friend, he was my soulmate, he was a part of me. I do not know what kind of love i had towards him but i do love him very much and if i ever need to lose him, at least make me sure that there are someone who was nice to take good care of him coz he could be handy, complicated and egoistic. Who could ever stand that? I sendiri pun rasa mcm nk hempuk je kepala dia tu kekadang. (Nnti raya i mintak maaf kutuk u kt blog i tau. Haha..) Looking back i never could believe that i am here right now, surround myself with awesome and lovely people who love me. 

Whatever rubbish and merepek-ness i ckp kt atas tu. Point is, life is hard and they could be an asshole or a bitch sometime. But dont ever give up. Stand up tall and show that you are strong and powerful. And it was okay to feel weak or needy or shed a few tears. Its alright okay. Pick some powerful anthem song to give you some mood and energy. And in life you will meet lots of people that going to help you and also to bring you down. You going to meet lots kind of people. If you ever been backstabber, well, STAB THEM BACK!!! In front. With your blade of glory, your gunshot of succeed and bomb of happiness and smile gases. That will kill them. And if you ever been leave, its okay. Let them go. You will meet someone even better in the future. Insyallah. Trust me. And who knows, if it meant to be, they will come back, if they meant for you, they come around. Be patient. Just enjoy the roller-coaster called life. And always always bear in mind that whatever happen, its cool. 

“Allah knows who belongs in your life and who doesn’t. Trust and let go. Whoever is meant to be there, will still be there.”

—	(via islamicrays)

Manusia pelupa

 

It was sad you know to see a picture of someone you loved with another person now. It was sad you know how easy somebody change their mind and their heart. As if all those promises, all those sweet talk means nothing. It was all just rubbish. But to think again, it was rubbish now bcoz it means nothing when another one just forget and throw it all away. So just throw it in the trash. It just gonna shatter your heart thousand times worst if you keep holding it on. 

But this is not how i feel right now. And it wasnt my story either.

Semlm ada kenduri kt kmpung tpi i xgi. My grandparents n ucu yg gi. Eventhough dorng ajak. N bkn i xnk ikut sbb i xnk sama kete ngan ucu. I tau kdg2 i sakit ati ngan dia smue. But tu smue zaman i xmatured. Now i buat dek je. Hati kering katakn.. Okay, i xnk gi sbb i malas nk buat fake face, hadap smue. Penat lh. Lgipun nenek xsihat n mommy nyer ayam masak merah sedap. Huh. Alasan. Tpi bgus gak i xgi. Alhamdulilah. Sbb tok mak ckp along bbwak 'someone'... n i do know that someone.. And bkn tok mak je yg ckp. I saw a picture. N yeah i do know that someone... very very well..

Turn out along ngan kak dewi dh over. Wlaupun i dh jangka lama dh but somehow a part of me hope yg along akan change his mind. But who am i kidding. You cant beat first love. Lgi2 kalo u xmove on btul2 pastu guna orng laen tok lpe yg lama. Nah.. it never work out anyway. Tpi still, i hope that it will work between along ngan kak dewi. Tpi nk bwat mcm mana kn. Jodoh kn n kebodohan along n ke-terdesakkan pompuan tu. Think of it again, maybe dorng mmg match in hell. Ye, ayat i mmg kejam sket.

And wlaupun smue dok puji pompuan tu ramah lh bagai lh. But you dont know the whole story. Dlu pompuan tu dump along sbb dia rasa along tu mcm xkemana, mcm xkn bjaya gitu. Materialistic nyer pompuan. N masa tu along mmg sgt down smpai dia almost fail n kene drop. Tpi sape yg ada masa dia ssh? Kteorng. Ye, me and family. Beri dia support smpai dia jumpa dewi. N everything nmpk ok. Wlaupun along kata just kwn2 dlu. But then things got serious and along ye2 ckp kt my mom yg dia mmg xnk blik kt pompuan tu wlaupun pompuan tu sibuk msg dia smue.

But one fine day. Allah nk tnjuk kot. I angkt fon dia sbb dia gi solat time tu. Bonda je yg call. Lpas borak. Tah mcm mana tbkk msg. N i pun tbaca. Okay. yg 1st je. Yg laen, i stalk. But still, i hope dorng just kwn mcm i n ashraf. But mestilh i salah. Sbb present dh laen sekrng nie kn.

Bkn melayu mudah lupa. Manusia tu sendiri yang cepat lupa daratan. Lupa dulu masa susah sapa yg tolong dia, sapa yg jadi tiang supaya dia bdiri teguh. Bila dh senang, lupa sudah smue sacrifice yg orng tu buat untuk supaya dia xkan jatuh. Lpe yg masa dia ssh, kita yg bntu dia. Bukan nk ungkit. Tpi tu kenyataan. Manusia cepat sgt berubah. And eventhough i'm human being, but i pling menyampah ngan spesies mcm nie. Lupa daratan nk mampus. Sorilh. Spesies lpe daratan, spesies jual ikan nie mmg xde maaf bagimu. Mmg kaw2 dpt fake face and my hateful face. Serious. 

Tpi lantaklh. Malas nk fkir. Yg nyesal nnti bkn i. I dduk, goyang kaki n tgk je. This time around i ckp kt my mom, lantaklh dia tu. Kte wait n see je. Kalo lpas nie pompuan tu tnggalkn dia lgi, biarkn jelh dia. Nk frust menonggeng ke apa. Dh beri nasihat xnk dgr. Same goes to angah. I dh penat kot. So last2 i dgr je n tgk. Im tired with all this drama smue. Really tired.

And wlaupun along dh x ngan kak dewi. But kteorng nyer relationship ngan kak dewi remain same. Wlaupun i tau dia tgh move on smue. N how she try to avoid ble nk jumpa. But she was like my kakak angkat and anak angkat to my mom. Serious. My mom sendiri ngaku smpai kalo kluar sama2 n my mom jln ngan kak dewi. Dia ingt i jealous. Sori mommy, jelaousy not really in my dictionary. Haha.. But serius lah, kak dewi deserve someone much2 better than along .N wlaupun along tu cousin i. But i rather much backup kak dewi. Bcoz bitches stay together. Ceh.. n nie smue salah along. Sebaik dulu dila reject along. Kalo x, kesian gak kt dila n dila ntah2 xnk kwn ngan i lgi. maigod!

Actually dh lama dh kteorng figure out yg along dh x ngan kak dewi ble kak dewi tetbe menjauhkn diri and she delete all her social network. And my mom pun mcm kecik ati sbb text xreply smue. But i assure her yg she need time to be alone. I get her. Bcoz dlu pun i alami bnde sama. N honestly if i in her shoes, i will do the same. Sbb kdg2 all we need was some alone time n quiet, away with people n lagu 'patah seribu' as in background music. Or maybe i je kot yg memerlukn lgu patah seribu tu. Sbb seriously i mmg patah seribu  time tu kay.

Tpi Alhamdulilah lh. Last2 kak dewi blas gak wechat my mom and we did talk on the phone tdi. Rupanya fon dia ilang. Rindu gle kot borak ngan dia. Tu yg i ask my mom ajak dia kluar. Tpi my mom ckp nntilh sbb fhm. She try to move on n keep herself busy. She not ready yet. Slow2. Lgi best borak ngan kak dewi sbb dia sempoi n talkactive. Kalo ngan pompuan tu. Maybe dia ramah tpi mcm control2 sket. Chill lah. I bkn judges nk judge dia. N i bkn ckp mcm nie sbb i menyampah gila babeng ngan dia. It just the fact. Dri mula i kenal dia dlu.

Tpi xkisahlh. This is not the 1st time. Dlu masa i xske angah n si epul tu. I ckp terang2 n i tunjuk sekali segala kebencian yg ada dlm diri ini.And what makes you think i wont do the same? Sbb i nie jenis yg kalo btul2 xske, btul2 menyampah, i tunjuk je terang2 bcoz my fake face is like so expensive bebeh. Sila hadap gua nyer hateful face. Sila sila.

Ble dh mcm nie kan.. Rasa mcm xnk dh lh cari laki dri johor.. Ceq nk cri yg utara pulak. Kedah maybe.. Hehe.. 

Okay2. stop.. panjang jela dh menaip nie. 

Rasanya dh smpai part merapu dh nie..

Better stop ye.

Before it getting worst.

Btw, selamat hari raya aidiladha..

blum lmbt lgi kn nk wish

:)

till again..

Being heartless.

I feel like im done with love. I mean i dont hate love. I just need some time off from this chaos. Yeah, i could say that. I mean after ashraf, i jump to quickly. I mean i know i am not in any relationship. But it feel something like that. Coz i've been hurt. Hard. Like being dump or something kinda feeling. So this time no healing guy, no crush. Just me obsess with myself. Yeah. That sound like a plan to me. Be heartless. I mean mom said i was heartless. So i was halfway there. No biggie. So where am i gonna ship my emotion to? Hmm.. And beside demi said give your heart a break. So imma gonna give it. Yeah i might find myself lonely sometime bcoz most people i know is in the relationship. But thats fine. I know what im gonna do. No biggie. I will be doing great. Yeah.. *sigh

Finding Yourself

In our life, there was the time when we got lost in hope to find ourselves, in hope of finding those dream and in hope to find a true relationship.

I lost myself a couple of times. I wanted to try new things, feeling the new experience. There was one time, i met this person who was obviously i am not comfortable with but i ignore it. Okay, this might sound like 'I Knew You Were Trouble'. We had a good time. But when i thought about it know, i was like, what was i thinking? OMG! And i had this feeling of ashamed and guilt. It wasnt the best feeling and i am glad i get out from there faster. No, it wasnt something illegal kay. So, delete whatever images in your thought now.

And there was the time when i try to be a new person like i-dont-care-about-your-shit kinda attitude. I try to be fun, loud and wild. It was no good actually. Everyone dislike me.. iSad.. How could they?! I am a very likeable person ever! Everyone love me.. tee hee..

I wanted to know what it feels like to be a heartbreaker. So, i started to be with 3 or 4 guys at once and i dump there after 1 month or i let they dump me. whatever.. It was actually pretty good and i felt heartless which was fun.. Haha.. yeah, im so mean and evil.. Actually it was fun bcoz i got to learn what this person is all about, and that person and the other person. And maybe when i really found the one, i would know what to do when he like this. Maybe. I never learn from my mistake anyway. Haha.. Having this relationship was fun bcoz it wasnt serious and my heart wont getting broken and my eyes wont burn from the crying. But somehow i didnt feel satisfied. Coz you see, when i saw a couple, having a great moment, lost intheir thought, i envy it. I mean, will i having those time? Will i ever meet my true love? Or will i end up forever alone , live with nancy and her generation? No!!

So, i change...

And here i am.. alive.. haha.. i love to laugh bcoz it hide whatever bitter things in my life.. i am needy and clingy.. im weird and i love to talk.. seriously.. all ashraf could remember was how talkactive i am. He told me that if im not talkactive, i am not me.. What the hell.. And my classmate, when i just like silent, she was like why so quiet? and i was like, what, all this time i was talkactive ke? and she said YES! even my dad pun ckp i byk ckp. What to do. I love to talk even sometime it doesnt make sense at all. Hmm.. so i kene cari partner yg good listener, yg xpernah penat layan kerenah i. and i love to watch cute funny love story coz it give me hope that true love do exist in this cruel world and someday i will find one. i mean when i mad, i mean when im too happy and i am hot temper. xcaya kn? but yeah.. and always change my mind.. no doubt..

And the best thing is.. im still trying to figure out myself.. so i think u should to..both my friend, qaedy and joe are ought to find themseleves.. Both went to madrasah and you dont know how proud i am for them. They change to good person now. Insyallah. Bukan nk ckp dlu jhat sgt, but u guys are now a much better person. I m happy for you guys. So, go out there, falling in love, make mistake, finding your own self. Its okay to make mistake as long as you buat solat taubat (wajib!), you learn from ur mistake and never give up. Be fearless.

nilah nancy, pujaan hati i, pengubat duka.. ceh ayat jiway gitu.. haha.. :)