Acceptance

 I did not feel like I was moving on, not completely. There was a time when everything seems so hard and all I want to do was curl up on my bed, cry my heart out while listening to Taylor Swift. But there was a time when everything was okay and I started to see the 'reason' behind everything happen for a reason. 

Of course, it did not happen in one night. And it is not depending on how many years you were together. That was a myth. It happens slowly but surely. It is not easy. But you get through it somehow. 

I know I'm going to talk mostly about weddings here but that just because he pop out the question then maybe he got cold feet and run away, and ask me to forget all about it as if it was just a meaningless word. Yep, so casually cruel in the name of being honest.

I might move on but I never forget. This was one of the wounds that leave a deeper scar and they last they last.

On Angah's day, he said he will come. It was a day he could not miss as Angah was his friend too. Even though I did not put high hope, I still wish he will come. I wear my best outfit at that time. I was preparing myself to meet him. I kept texting him to update him. I'm searching for his familiar face. I texted and then I called. But everything was left unanswered. Even though I put my brave and happy face on, God knows I'm falling apart deep down inside. I never get even an apology or some petty excuses. I think that was the turning point. And that was the moment I knew.

On Nadh's day, I still hold on to his words. I still hope that everything will be fine again. I imagine this was could be us one day. It will be perfect and we look so happy. 

On Mai's day, I already let go of the idea of us but there was always this 'what if' lingering in my head. I still hope he changes his mind and that he would come back. He will say all the right things. He will be here... and I would've been so happy.

On Farah's day. Honestly, I did not feel anything. I no longer hope. I knew we never stood a chance and that we will never be meant to be together. And for the first time, I am fine with that. I started to see why it happen the way it happen. I started to accept, that everything happens for a reason. I can no longer picture us together again. That dream or imagine was just a pigment that was slowly fading away, blown by the wind. Yes, I do miss him, miss us, and that the flashback sometimes crept back. But it goes away as time goes by. And it didn't feel hurting like it was before. 

And I started to see changes in myself after I have redha with everything and accept for what it is. I no longer has to fake a smile or pretend that I was happy and that everything was fine. Now I could say I'm genuinely happy. Happy with my life, happy with the choice I made. I no longer force things and let everything run its course. If it is meant to be, it will be. I am starting to write again. Not a lot like before but one or two posts a month was enough. Getting my old self back was not easy, but I started to love every bit, piece of myself. I think for now that's what's matters.