cleaning

I was not procrastinating in writing that last piece of him. But I was finding an inspiration. They said if you love something, you need to let it go. So I was doing spring cleaning to my room. From my bookshelf to my clothes, toiletries, bag and lastly my shoes. You have no idea how many things I have already let go of. Not to mention the things that I did not use yet. I realize now that I am a hoarder and I have lots of things and I should not shop more until I use it all.

Changes are good. I could do with some changes. 

That was not the only thing I rummage into. I started to randomly read my last post. It was so funny. Like how naive I was for writing those. But it brings lots of good memories. The kind of I forget it already but when I read it, I will be like "really, is that really happening?". I kind of forget those posts I write about other boys, others than Joe. 

I was so wild and carefree back then. I am always fearless and curious. How did that change huh? 

I came across a post I wrote about my scandal. Yeah, back then when I was in UKM, they kept pairing me up with this guy who makes everybody think we are together. Little did they know, I was wishing the same thing too. We always texting and talking. We always spend time together with a study group. I remember when we both tired, so he show me a bunch of 'The Voice' videos that he save on his laptop. And I think somehow that is the reason why I started and still am watching it. Even though it doesn't really remind me of him. I just thought about it after I reread one of the posts. I believe we could be something more. But then I think you were not mine to begin with. We had a fun ride. But deep down we both know that this was supposed to be temporary and that you were never mine.

Other than that, I was caught up with the feelings I had for Joe. I know deep down somehow, he gets past that layer. But I can't let it get through it. So I make sure he ends up with his now wife. He is happy and I am happy for him. It was somehow a happy ending for both of us. 

This is the past and now it will be lost in the memory.

That long conversation

I had a very sort of long conversation with joe the other day. About us and everything. The past, the future, the present. All those good thing that should have been settle ages ago.

As usual i start the conversation. I wish him happy new year and the best for all the goals he sets for this year. I mean how should  i know he is the type of person yg ada buat goals or not. Coz im not. Just baru tahun ni i baru nk start buat. Lols. And i told him that i realize hows foolish i am for all the things i said before. Semuanya di sebabkan perasaan marah. Memang kalo marah tu takyah ckp pape. Senyap sudah. I also say that i will hold on to his words or question tu semua. I nk go with the flow. If ada jodoh, adalah. And i mention psl blackpink rockstar tu ye. Ha, kali ni takde sebab dia nk ckp i lupa ke apa. And btw, i n joe like the not so officially tubuhkn band ni ye. This is nothing to do with the korean bank okayy. Our band dh ditubuhkan since 2008 di mana original member dia adalah i, joe, then gf joe yg i lupa nama dia n ashraf. But then both of them broke up with us so tinggal i n joe. Which smpai la ni tak cari member yg baru. So i dont think so it will officially will be form unfortunately. Yeah, that is basically tu je rasanya apa yg i ckp ngan dia. Oh and i mintak tolong carikan tiket bola macam biasa. Hahaha.. Mcm biasa i tak harap dia balas. Kalo tak balas pun takpe. At least i dont need to think or say anything. It save my energy. But then if dia balas, it is up to me kalo nak balas or tak depends on what the content is. 

But then as usually, cliche as it may seems, dia balas cuma lmbt sehari. Time zone kteorng mmg different pun. Later i told you why. He was being nice. Wishing me the same and all.He agrred though about going with the flow. He told me not to think about it that much as i still am young, i got the whole world in front of me. Yelah, i faham. We both still nak achieve whatever our dream is. We both still young and foolish and broke. He also apologize for all the things that happen before. He realize and see of all the things happen but maybe he dont know how to react and what to say. He jokes about the band of us and about him being ulat tiket i. But assure me that he will find it for me if he can. And he also said that he know he was not the 'good guy'...

At first i mula ingt tak nak balas but then that 'good guy' makes me want to reply. I told him that i wont be thinking much about us as i nak focus on my career this year. I go with the flow. I told him i forgave him. We both patut bukak buku baru. Tahun baru, buku baru, permulaan baru. And about the good guy, i cakaplah yg i kenal dia dh 12 tahun bukan 12 saat. I kenal dia dari zaman dia nakal giler sampai lah sekrng dh berubah, elok je i tgk. Serious i ckp banyak giler perubahan dia. Kalo imbau balik masa mula2 kteorng kenal dlu, i mcm tak caya je yg i manage to befriend dia. I mean dia like out of my league as a friend. Even my mom tak approve our friendship at first. So i tak perlu explain lebih. I think you guys get it. And even though we knew each other quite long, i know that i not really knew him too well. But still kalo i manage kawan ngan dia smpai sekrng, mesti ada sebab. And it is not because i had like a big crush on him okayy. I accept him for who he is, every flaws.. i accept.

And i thought i ended there but it didnt. The thing yg buat i suka kat dia is how he give advice and positive vibe. Dari dulu lagi dia selalu nasihat i, give me support. So dia nasihat kn i psl kerje, sruh focus psl kerje, jgn bawak masalah dalam kerje nnti haywire jadinya. The big surprise is that dia dh berhenti kerje. And he is looking for new job. I terkejut gaklah. Sbb i ingt dia still with the old job cuma i tau lah dia mmg tgh cari kerje lain. Lebih kurng mcm i. But i wish him the best in things he do. Okay, part yg i ckp psl timezone tu. Dia mention yg kitadh kenal each other about 13years. Sbb nyer dia kira masa i umur darjah 6. Yg i lak ckp 12 tahun sbb mmg kenal masa form 1 pun. Masa darjah 6 tu ckp kt dalam fon pun memarah memasing. Apa cer. Tapi mcm biasa. I ye kan jelah. We both timezone mmg lain pun.

This is like the very first time we both having a long conversation. Selalunya i msg panjang2, dia bukan respon pun. Hahaha.. Lols. But it was a very good long conversation. I bersyukur and feeling glad we finally sort everything out. I guess we wait and see jelah. If we meant to be, we meet again somehow somewhere. For now we go with the flow.

Jejaka baju hijau

Entry ini dituju khas untuk awak yg berbaju hijau emerald. Tak tau npe dlm byk2 wrna baju awk, wrna tu jugak yg saya pilih. Mungkin sbb itu jelah satu satunya warna yg mencetuskan skandal kita. Ye, skandal. Lama xde skandal ni. Tup tup msuk U ni terus ada skandal. Eh salah, dh nk masuk tahun akhir baru ada skandal. Haha.. Tpi ok lah tu kn.  Dripada xde. Cewah. Berharap jugak tu dlm diam sebenarnya.

Kejap je kan dh nk abis degree. How times fly. Masa kenal awk mula2 masa tahun satu tu, saya xperasan awk pun sebenarnya. Nama pun tak tahu. Nk lak awk nmpk senyap. Saya pun mcm tu. Sekrng tidak lagi. Masing2 dh pndai tunjuk belang. Cewah. Saya ngaku dlu actually saya ada crush crush sket kt awk. Haha.. Tah pape kan. Ish ish. Tetbe lak ley sangkut kt awk sbb slalu saya bkn jenis ske kt classmate sendiri nak2 lak satu course. So out of my league. Saya ske awk dlu pun sbb awk senyum manis. Saya ske tgk awk senyum. Sekrng pun still ske. Tgk mata awk pun saya ske. Sbb tu ble berckp dgn awk saya ske tgk mata awk. Pergh saiko gle rasa. Haha.. Tpi saya xske ble awk senyum mengedik dan kelip2 mata. Sejak tu crush crush is crushing. Meaning dh takde dh. Terkubur dh. Haha.. Ske awk dlu pun sbb awk ske kacau saya. Pnggil nama lah, saje gurau2. Sekrng pun awk mmg ske kacau saya. Lgi ganas. N of course instead of berdiam diri mcm dlu. I stand up for myself. Saya balas balik. Lantaklah. Ceq peduli apa. Balas jgn tak balas. Hehe..

Kte berskandal pun sejak program yg kte dua join. Awk ler yg start dlu. Ley lak nk main2 ngorat anak dara orng. Saya tau awk main2 je time tu sbb awk mmg mcm tu pun, kuat bermain. Sbb tu saya bwat tak kisah je. Tpi tah mcm mne orng laen terslah sangka mcm seolah2 saya setuju jdi skandal awk. Xmasal je tau. And sejak tu, gosip tu berluasa. Masih berharap ia akan dilupakan tetapi tidak. Mne taknya, awk pun menyiyakan. Mcm mne saya nk menidakkan. Cer cte sket. Tpi saya tau ni semua hanya permainan. And we both just played along. 

Pastu entah mcm mne, kte berdua makin rapat. Sejak tetbe saya cerita psl joe kt awk. Dan awk cte psl diri awk. Kte mcm membuat sesi pengenalan, mengenali hati masing2. Cewah. Jujur, saya selesa berbual dengan awak. Dan awk pendengar yg baik. Dan perkara ini tak habis disini. Bila kita xdelah selalu bermesej dan berbual. Tpi kalo ada masa, mmg lama. Paling lama ialah pukul 4 pagi sbb tu kene gosip pasangan 4pagi or cinta 4pagi. Gosip gosip. Saya ske borak ngan awk tpi saya tnggu awk berhenti perbualan tu sebenarnya sbb saya mmg tak reti. Kalo borak ngan joe pun, dia yg akan stop dlu. Erti kata laen, lesap tetbe. Tpi awk tak. Pastu saya tnggu gak kalo gaya awk msg menunjukkan awk bosan borak ngan saya. Tpi tak juga. Tu smpai 4 pagi tu. Tu pun sbb saya kata saya nk tdo. Tpi tu pun slalu ckp je nk tdo pastu smbung borak lagi. Pastu akhir2 ble dh perasan jam tu dh pkul bpe, dh sedar diri jap, baru betul2 ucap selamat mlm. Saya ske di setiap akhir perbualan, awk mesti ucap, nite2 su, mimpi indah, bye2, assalamualaikum. Dan bila saya balas balik, awk akan akhir dengan emoticon2. Awk slalu nk jadi orng terakhir dlm perbualan. Dan lagi satu, mungkin perasaan saya saje, tpi ada masa kita saling berpandangan wlaupun sekilas. Cewah. Ayat.

Terima kasih sbb awk buat saya sedar yang mengejar suatu yg tak pasti itu memenatkan. Yg hidup ni terlalu singkat untuk menunggu benda yang tak pasti. Dan saya berhak menerima yang lebih baik. Dan sbb tu saya membuat keputusan untuk meneruskan hidup dan melupakan feeling2 saya terhadap joe. Ada jodoh ada. Tpi buat masa ni, semuanya nmpk kabur. Dan saya terlalu penat kejar joe. Tiba masa untuk saya kejar cita cita saya pula. Wlaupun awk tak pernah ucap bnde2 tu semua. Tpi awk buat saya sedar dlm diam. Jadi, terima kasih. 

Entry ni khas untuk awak, dan didedikasi untuk awak, ikhlas dri saya. Kira special lah tu. Yg pernah dpt pun of course family, the girls, joe and ashraf. Dan kini awk salah seorng drpd mereka. Kenapa? Sbb awk telah meninggalkn kesan dlm hidup saya, membuat saya gembira dan awk merupakan salah seorng insan yang saya tak pernah terfkir akan selesa untuk borak apa saje. Sbb saya pun tersedar saya cerita psl joe and my past kt awk. Sesuatu yg aneh tpi papelah. Saya doakan awk bahagia dan berjaya dunia akhirat. Semoga ketemu jodoh seblum umur 26 tahun. Goodluck untuk thesis dan final year. Harap dpt bergraduasi bersama sama nanti. Insyallah. :)

Npe entry ni dlm bm? Sbb saya telah telah disoal oleh SV ttg markah bm saya. Teruk sgt bm. Tunggang langgang sih ayat. Tpi sejak sklh pun mmg bi lgi tinggi dri bm. Nk bwat mcm mne. Bkn nk berlagak tpi tulah. Saya ni mcm orng cina yang tak reti tulis bahasa cina. Tau baca dan sebut je. Bkn nk racist. Contoh... Kan dh kabo contoh tuu.. Sbb tulah saya taip dlm bm untuk entry ni. Tpi best gak sbb ble baca tu mcm gedik2 sket. Eh eh.. Haha.. Oh and it also maybe a Taylor's appreciate day. Sbb byk gmbr dia. Lols.

Is it a fling or a crush?

First of all, i bukan berubah hati dri joe ok. Hati i sgt setia ngan dia. Which is weird but i dont care. Pape lah. As long as ia xmemudaratkan i. Xpe. Yelah. Mne tau tetbe i terlalu berharap sgt pastu harapan itu musnah hancur berkecai, i yg frust menonggeng kay. And of course my heart is bleeding love. Pastu lagu patah seribu memenuhi setiap ruang di kamar ku. Ceh. Dramatic gila. Haha... 

Ok2. Long time ago. Xingt ble. Tpi masa tu baru msuk ukm lah. I had a crush on one of my classmate. I xtau npe. And i dont usually do this sbb i mmg xske ada pape feeling ngan any of my classmate or orng sama umur ngan i or orng sama course ngan i. I ckp betul kay. But he was different. I like him but i dont know why. I mean he;s good looking sometime. I love his eyes. I love staring at it whenever i talked to him. I love his smile. I like him. But i love joe more. Too bad. ;)

Jgn salah anggap ok. Wlaupun actually i ada hak untuk like someone else sbb i n joe bkn official pun. We just like hold on. Tgk mana relationship ni nk bawak kteorng gi. Beside, we both kinda busy. I dgn final year n thesis nyer lgi. Dia ngan kerja dia, ada projek baru katanya. And im ok with this kind of relationship. I really am. Pelik kn? Mungkin sbb knowing joe. Dia ego and sgt rendah diri. He never said those 3 ily word but he say it through his action and riddle. He always want the best for me. He think i deserve someone better than him semua sbb taraf. Sdgkn parents i xkisah pun. Taraf di sini bkn duit ye. Tpi pelajaran. He feel i deserve someone yg sama taraf ngan i. Dia xfhm ke yg i xkisah n i want him only. Aigoo.. Ok ketepikan dahulu. 

I ske this guy xde lah yg ske gila. Ni just ske ble jumpa je. Lpas tu xrasa sgt dh. Tpi dh lama kot i ske dia. Laen gila dri encik saga, Happy n sape2 lah. Bcoz this one this feeling stay. Wlaupun dlu i ingt dh xde. Tpi ada lgi rupanya. Haha. And yg pling bestnya. Im very good in hiding it. Like xde sape pun tau yg i ada feeling kt dia. I makin mantap dlm permainan ni. Yelah dlu nadia n farah sendiri ckp i xpndai hide. Cara i tenung sesorng tu expose me. But i learn. And now im good at it.

But it all just a crush. Wlaupun sekrng ni we like pretending mcm we together. Tah pape kn. Gossip smue tu. But he played along and so am i. Cuma i harap feeling ni stay mcm tu je. A crush. N i xharap dia ske i or apa2. I just harap that ada lah sket rasa ske tu kt i. Sikit je. Xperlu byk. N xperlu lelama. Kejap je. 

 

Tpi wlaupun dlm keadaan mcm ni. Feeling i kt joe kekal. Sbb i still baca msg dia sblum i tdo or ble i bosan. Pastu i senyum sorng2. Pastu memori flash back dlm otak i. Pastu i senyum sonrg2 lagi *chuckle. Feeling i kt joe xmudah untuk hilang. I love him even if he doesnt love me. And this all just a crush. A fling while im here. Xlama nnti tu hilang lah.. kn.. 

Loving him was red.

Ive been writing these thing a year ago i think. I feel like i wanna keep it. But somehow i need to let it go. And i didnt plan to post it now. It just that i felt something a few days ago. Those old feeling just creep back on me. This is weird i know coz i know i already move on and over you. But seeing u post those word on wechat and the video and picture on instagram makes me miss you so bad that i wish i could turn back the time and be with you again. This is silly i know. Actually it started with those word. Its not that im jealous that you with someone now or later. It just... i dont know.. maybe the hormone thing. Yep, definitely. Okay.. go on..

I know i say the last time was the last time. But i couldnt help it you know. It feel strange and empty when i didnt talk about him anymore. Beside, this has nothing to do with unstable emotion. I just feel like wanna write about him. Yeah, i miss him.. a lot you know... i did wish he was around but i know things just didnt work out between  us even if we try coz we did try but somehow we gave up. But yeah, this was the last time. Insyallah. I hope. I mean, i wont post it until i finish what i wanna write about it. I dont want to have it half way this time around.. So, here we goes..

The old me. She wasnt a very good girl back then. I was so social. Trust me. I flirt like crazy and i change guy like they were cloth. I mean, i couple ngan dorng a few days je and sometime ckp ye tapi cara i mcm xje. I was that bitch. haha.. but then i met you. i dont know why i acted so different around you. I didnt flirt that much. and i gave my number not that fake number. i just acted.. biasa.. even you dpt no i pun lmbt kan..

Then, xlama pastu u text i.. but i xlayan u sgt. i xtau nape. i ley je kn fooling around but i didnt. i xlayan dan harap u get that message. But still you gave me those morning n night text. But i still didnt fall for you. sorry. The main reason i accept you was that.. revenge.. coz i didnt get that guy that i like so i use you to make he feel jealous. to be honest, i planned to leave you after a month or two. u perasan kn i byk buat hal. i mengamuk lah, pick up a fight over the smallest thing, accuse u lah. well, do mostly girl shouldnt do. but you mcm xkisah. it was like u accept my flawless. but at the end, after 2 month which i should leave u as plan but i didnt, coz i finally falling for you. how? i pun xtau. tetbe je, for the first time, i admit to people that i got a bf and i say those 3 words to u. And trust me i never see you that happy. I feel happy.

And you pun ley nmpk, how i change. a lot. i didnt do those mean thing to you. wlaupun yeah i admit sometime mood i mmg xstable and u slalu jadi punching bag i. but you pham. and thats why i love you. a lot of things had change since i met you and thanks for that coz i never thought i could change to a better person. thank you. for making me realize.

you different from anyone that i met. i xpernah sangka i akan in love ngan b-boy. budak yg pkai baju besar2, sluar londeh2, breakdance and graffiti as a hobby. u ada crew lak tu. but i guess tu yg buat i tertarik kat u kot. u different. just like so different. i learn lot of things from u too. yelah, dulu i nie layan lagu mat saleh je. apa barang dgr lagu melayu. haha.. jiwang ley x.. but since you introduce me to indie song, i fall for it. in fact i still dgr. then i minat jugak lah breakdance tu. tgk showdown lagi tu tau. u lah ajar. tapi i still alergic ngan shuffle. tapi kalo adam g. savani buat xpe. i mean it.

im sorry i pernah sakit kn ati u all this time we together. i know i wasnt that understanding good gf to u. u deserve someone better. but i glad i met you. coz somehow i xpernah sangka i akan jumpa orng yg akan ubah i mcm nie, make me feel like this. and dont u worry, i dah lama maafkn u. 0-0 kan? and im glad kita still kawan sekrng eventhough xlah rapat mana. but i was glad that somehow we keep in touch and let the past and feeling behind.

sometime i miss you like crazy and wishing things differently. sometime i shed a tear coz i feel sad seeing things just like burn like that. but when my conscience came, i realize that things happen for a reason. ada hikmah sebaliknya. maybe we just tempat persinggahan je. u not my other half. and i accept that.

it wasnt that easy u know, letting u go and things we had, coz it just so good. but i guess we had enough. tapi xpe. i accept the fact and alhamdulilah, finally moving on even if there are still a post about u. or maybe thinking about starting it all over just so damn hard. why cant i have u only. why cant you be the one for me. but i guess it was fate. we just not meant for each other. 

Ashraf, i would never find a guy like you. Who understand my ups and down. Who know when things wasnt right even if i say everythings fine. Thanks for accept me who i am and thank for always been there. Eventhough things wasnt last but thanks for those amazing 3 years i had with you. You might not be my other half but you are my first love and i always going to remember you. So darling, I pray you the best and may Allah ease u in everything you do in ur life and meet someone that make you happy and smile all over again. Insyallah. :)

and yeah.. loving him was red..

My Life Would Suck Without You

Yeah, i was dumb and ego. I knew what my heart want all this time but i ignore it, denial it.And now im blurt it all out to Mai when i really should keep it to myself like i promise to. but it was so hard. and now mai told me that we all could see it but im the one who blinded and deny it. and now i feels like im too little too late. am i still giving out those chance? coz it seems like i blow each one of it..

Just that day, he told if i wanted his heart and what did i tell him? i said i dont want coz his heart was so expensive even i couldnt bought it. what was i thinking? i could have just say yes you know..but i didnt.

I dont know when i was falling for him but im sure it was pretty long.. long enough till even i didnt remember it. But i did remember that day when i went out with ashraf but he was the only person that linger in my mind. I mean come on, i was going out with my boyfriend but some other guy was in my mind. what the hell.. and every word he said keep playing in my mind like a recorder.. those word he told me to not going back with ashraf.. i never get a chance to know why he say something like that. i think i did ask him but he ignore it.. and see he like that, i acted like i didnt care.

All this time i thought i was lonely and i just need someone and he always there after i had a bad breakup with ashraf that leads me to this unexplainable feeling. But actually, the truth is, this is what i feel all this time but i guess i just got caught up with other things that i didnt see it, didnt feel it.. and i just assume that all this is a mistake feeling since i didnt feel a thing when he with some other chick.. the truth is, i didnt care coz somehow i know he ended up with me. i think too far and i put too much hope. and im afraid if it all falls apart. but i just gonna pray for the best. if its meant to be, it will, and there is no escape from it somehow.

From the moment i met him, i just feel like i know him already.. like we know each other for a very long time. like we were connected. yeah, i was being silly now. but he gets me. he know when things just went wrong. and he being there for me for better or worse. and he love making me nuts with his silly arguments. we not having a lot of common but we got this obsess with vespa and rockstar wannabe. and we had this crazy idea about doing a group. blackpink rockstar. haha.. its funny. i know. but hey, that just us. we talked about random stuff, about our lives and shared the secrets. and when we together, i feel like we in someplace, alone. this is crazy and i should stop now but i dont want to.

I never underestimate him but i had a very wrong feelings towards him the first time i met him. i just assume he was same like any other guy i met. u see, we know each other because of i accidently give wrong number to my friend. and that wrong number was actually his, yeah, what a surprise. so, my friend dgn bijaknya pergi kasi my number kat dia. but yeah dia mmg bijak, i mean, if not, i would never know him. and im glad this things happen. i guess it was fate that lead us here.

Okay, kan dulu, kalo xkenal, nk mintak couple bagai kn.. but.. dia.. laen.. sgt laen.. yeah, he did text me like everybody and we did flirt but it just that. he never ask for it and that after a year, im with ashraf. but it was weird how we didnt met but we keep this friendship thing. its fate. definitely.

Then, we met. haha.. it was so awkward and we like didnt say anything. we so speechless and shy also i think. so we end up texting eventhough we like just in front of each other. funny. but i met his mom. she was a very nice lady and a very talkactive tapi senang nk borak. no awkwardness somehow. and then my mom met his mom. so, no more awkwardness. i mean my mom totally get it about me and him. hmm.. okay, xmau pkir pape. haha.. but yeah, these thing happen..

You know, he did say something to me a very long time ago but i just cant get it out of my mind somehow but i think he forget it. i assume it. well, he totally forget about it. he never good in memory somehow. haha.. but nevermind. u know, usually the guy ive been with , okay, boyfriend, they used to say like i want to marry you someday, you my future wife, blah blah blah.. whatever.. but he, was only my besfriend, just said, 'one day, after i graduate, i would ask my mom to go met ur parents and ask for their blessing.'  and i was being stupid that time coz the only reaction i gave was.. okay.. what was i thinking? i really not good with these thing right? why am i acting so dummy around him? ughh! this so frustrating... but yeah, it was just a simple word that make me smile until today. it was surprise coz i never imagine he could say something like that. i wish he meant what he say. i was hoping it will happen one day. i wish he still remember somehow eventhough he was not good with memory. haha.. i was just hoping..

But even so, he did remember how the 'pentol' word that we use to call each other came from. and it was a surprise coz he still remember. it was basically ashraf who starting use this word but i end up asking him and till we both who still use it and call each other that name. it was like nama manja kot.. haha.. we so weird. but yeah, he was my pentol. always will be no matter what happen.

It was never awkward to tell random story with him. Caya x if i ckp kteorng pernah ckp pasal kahwin. Bukan yg mcm tadi tu.Ni yang.. wah.. beyond the future.He told me he wanted to get marry around 30+ lah. Lmbt wei.. penat eden menunggu nie karang. haha.. and i was like lmbt gila wei, 28 sudah. dia kata dia abg, biar adik2 kahwin dulu. nmpk x permainan dia? nk demand lah tu sbb smue langkah bendul. ish2.. jahat abg besar nie. motif sebenarnya nk sruh dia belanja kita tau tetbe ckp psal kahwin bagain.. ish2.. tapi xpe, he release my stress somehow. sbb i sgt tension sbb final and i just need somehow and yeah like always, he always there.. my pentol. :)

So, yeah, we been friends like 7 years now and i dont know what future ahead of me but i wish best thing gonna come and who know im gonna end up with him. well, lets all hoping for it to happen., shall we.. haha..

I know that this is a clique story that we use to see in the movie or in some books. a boy and a girl from friends to more than that. but i couldnt have it coz i am falling for my bestfriend already. even if i try to change my mind. somehow my heart always put him first. always. even if one day i end up with some other guy, i will always choose him before whoever he is. unless he become my husband, then it was a different story. but even so, i was hope we still keeping this friendship no matter who end up with. but somehow i was hoping we going to end up being together. yeah.. just hoping.. and dreaming.. there is no wrong in dreaming okay.. who knows it will come true.. who knows that..  

Deeper converstion between us

Yesterday.. things ive been wishful or dreaming finally happen. Its happen. I dont know how its happen. It was so fast but it did happen. Even i didnt realize it that time. And after that, i was like, is it really happen? Or am i just dreaming? Yeah, u must wondering what the hell am i talking about right? Well, i tell u what happen.

So, joe whatsapp me sbb i lpe convo dia. I was but he should remind me. I mean, i mmg ingt dah lepas kot. Then, he was like smpai i kene pujuk dia. Ngada2 kan? Saje jelah tu nk manja ngan kita. Haha.. So, yeah, i pujuk sbb dah kene ungkit. And yeah i told him that he should remind me and he was like xperlu. I dah update status. Yeah, i sejak balik rumah nie. Pegang fon pun dah jarang sbb tangan asyik pegang remote tv je. Pastu jari lak dah jarang menaip. Asyik tekan butang tukar channel je. Haha.. Tgk, begitu rindunya i dgn tv tu. LOL.

Pastu entah mcm mana isu gf muncul. Yg i ingt dia ckp dia mne ada gf. And i was like, byk skandal jelah. Yelah mcm i kn. Yeah. I still that habit. The thing is i dont feel they were right for me but telling them mcm ckp ngan dinding. dinding pun ada kasi gak respond. So,i just like playing along. Okay, back to the story. He told me skandal xde, kawan je bersepah. And i pun like yeah, i was one of them. Masa tu mmg xharap dia ckp ape2 sbb really, we are friend. But he feel different way. He told me i was different. That i was special. Kenal pun dah lama. Yelah, 7tahun kot. Mana tau kot2 ada jodoh. Gurau je. And i was shocked but i got this wide smile. Haha.. So, i reply, ada, adalah. Insyallah. And he was yeah, insyallah.

But somehow it didnt stop there. We talk almost everything. About the future. About us. About him. About me. And somehow, it feel right. It feel fit. I never had this kind so deep conversation. Not with my bestguy friend. Ashraf was different. I mean we did talk but not this deep. It wasnt because i like him that make me saying thing like this. It just the fact that it was so deep that i feel like there are no oxygen for me to breath.

Somehow i am a party bummer. And it wasnt i was feeling insecure. But i had doubt on myself, on fate. I was happy at first. Lie. I was in cloud 9. But then slowly it sweep away. I was overthinking and there are so many what if. Just like how he doubt on himself. But he shouldnt be coz i never underestimate him and i accept him for who he really is. Like i say, he wasnt the good guy when i first met him and i dont know why i stay. But i stay and i never regret it coz it was the best damn thing that ever happen to me. And there so many things i want to say to him but im afraid if i was to open coz it was suppose to be a secret and going to be reveal on matter of time. or maybe it is the time.

I dont know. But nothing official. I mean we are still friend. We still like we use to. We know its not the right time. We still trying to figure things out. And somehow i didnt mind. I mean, if it was to be, it meant to be and im going to wait for it, for him. Im just going to go with the flow like i use to..and follow heart of mine.

It feel so weird semlm coz there are so much word. And for the first time he use saya, awak. Slalunya kitaorng guna i,u or kita, awak. But mostly i and u lah. Kita nd awak tu slalu nk bermanja. Haha.. Its evern funnier sbb dulu i nk guna saya awak ngan someone. And maybe i did find one already.

Dulu kan.. wheni was wish sharif then we broke up, i nk cari guy yg bley buat i lpe kat sharif. And it lead me to ay. The we had fight and i change. I nk cari guy yg ley ubah i buat i nangis. Sbb i was a heartbreaker and i didnt cry for a guy anymore. Then, i met ashraf. And as all of u know. He change me, A lot. And i shed tear when he left. So, i nk cari guy yg i ley guna saya,awak and bley buat i move on from ashraf. And joe who did it. Sbb on the day i went out with ashraf, joe was all in my mind. I xtau nape. Bile i try to lpe, my heart keep telling me ashraf want the one, he would left me and i ket saying, kau bukan miliku. And then joe creep back into my mind again. And thats when i realize i was in love with him. I always do. But somehow i still confuse and doubt. So, i nk cari guy yg buat i xconfuse ngan feeling i. And i didnt find yet. So, i pray so that i got pertunjuk.

But whatever it is, if it meant, it meant to be. Insyallah.

Absent-mindedly 3

Have you ever been in love at first sight? Have you ever thought about someone you like so much until it feel silly and you just wanna scream? Have you try find your way just to see his face? Have someone you like keep linger in your mind like a lot? Have you ever grin like an idiot coz something awesome happen? Well, i've been..

But this time it was rare....

I experience love at first sight a few times back then. But i never see my future with him just after i saw him. And it feel weird...

Am i in delusion or something? Am i too caught up with taylor swift's song? Am i being melodramatic here? Creat my version of Mine's music video? Am i lose my mind? Am i insane?
Trust me, i keep asking the same question to myself over and over again. But it still the fact that i see something. Yeah, talk about some superpower like Alice Cullen huh? Well, minus the i-drank-blood-thingy okay.. im just a normal teenage girl who still try to figure out things in her normal life. No superhero involve here. Nor supernatural.

I never see him in my entire life. I didnt even know we had the same lecture. But one day, his name has been called and he went in front. I saw him and i saw my future with him too. It just a flash but i dont know why i have that. I mean i saw lot of random guy and some i do find them charming but there were never a flash! This so weird. Maybe i am in delusion and insane all the same time. Oh no.. guess imma end up in tangjung rambutan after all..

But before that... i think i fall for him... no. Thats not the right word. Its too close to i love him. Okay, lets start again. I like him like really really really really like him. And i've been doing those little thing i did when i like someone. Yeah, you can call me a stalker. Oh my! Now im being a psychotic? Im in deep trouble. So, rehab it is then...

What am i bubbling about? Aiyoo.. Absent-mindedly lagi kan. :)

Absent-mindedly

He's annoying, he's hilarious, he makes me yell, he drives me crazy, he's out of his mind, and he's everything I want. I didnt said who but he appears in ur mind somehow right? Whoever it might be..

And yeah, he cross in my mind in a second i read it. :)

Im not that type of girl that easily fall in love since i met ashraf. Well, a crush just a crush but to fall, thats hard. Whoever i fall hard on was really someone special. 

Im not gonna said his name. And if you guessing it right, please just keep to yourself. Thanks you. Appreciate that.

I've been crushing on this guy since 2010. It really was a crush back then but it turn to love somehow. A little by little. I could feel it deep down inside me but i keep denying coz i think its silly. Everytime we talk i felt this weird feeling inside me like my body secrete this weird hormone. I think scientist should study a bit about that. And everytime we ended conservation, i had this huge grin on my face. Yep, i saw it on the mirror. Haha..

I started to imagine things about him. I fantasizing weird things with him. Crazy huh? But hey, im a weird girl..

He gets me. I feel comfortable around him. He makes me laugh. Hard. He annoyed me with his short term memory. He drive me crazy with his stupid arguments. He make me smile with his stupid words. He my superman coz he always try be there to me when i need him. He's change. And i am afraid of losing the old him. But alhamdulilah, there still old him inside him somehow. 

I dont know why but i thought about him when im with ashraf the third time. I didnt meant to. I mean, i love ashraf. I always do. But that feeling wasnt the same anymore. Even i know that im not that happy with ashraf anyway. Not like when im with him. Im suck right? But thats what i true feel in that moment. But i try my best to pretend that im happy with ashraf and i even stood up for this relationship when ashraf gave up. I dont know why i did it but i did it. And im glad its end now..

I remember this crazy thing he told me. It was so crazy till i thing he lose his mind that time. Usually, my bf or so ex bf now will definitely going to say he would like to marry me, im his future wife, blah blah.. etc.. but he.. he only said.. he will sent his mom to book me. You know like engage or sometime. I didnt saw it coming coz i know it never be true and i will never happen. I just pretend i believe him. But now.. im hoping it will come true. But i know.. he already forget about it.. nvm..

You know, sometime i wonder.. the reason why i didnt open up my heart is not because i still love ashraf. It might be coz i know my prince this shown up just yet. It just that.. im hoping that one day, he realize that its me who meant for him. Its me who will complete his life. Its me who spent his entire life with. And its me who he have to make up his words with. 

Yeah, you guys must think, apa nasuha merepek pagi2 buta nie? Nie mesti kes xley tdo pastu merapu tah pape kat blog dia.. yeah, maybe it was true. Coz i just named it absent-mindedly. :)

Last but not least,

Hey guy, i hope ours story gonna be just like Jane Quimby and Billy Nutter one day. Insyllah. :)

Its Tough

Lately nie kan aku selalu down lepas balik dri class ari jumaat. Mcm semlm lah.Tapi semlm laen sket. Aku plan nk bgitau die minggu dpn tapi entah npe aku gi ckp semlm. I told him that this month  is my last class. And he was like why. Tapi xabis lgi aku ckp, die dah ckp dulu. Its because my matriks. Yeah, i got it. Tapi xtau npe a part of me mcm xnk go. And other part of me like awalnya.. im not ready.Its not just because of him je. I know im going to be homesick. Yelah selama nie aku mne pernah away from parents aku kn. Its a new exprience and im so excited.

Tapi tgk die mcm tu semlm, makes everything seem a bit difficult. Then, before i left, i told him that im not 100% sure coz im still waiting for my upu. Kalo dpt upu, i guess i dont have to leave that early. And die mcm sure gila aku dpt upu. Mamat nie biar betik. Nujum pak belalang ke. And die ketawa smbil angguk. Ya Allah, comelnya die.

Pastu entah mcm mne, timbul soal adik beradik. He told me that die pun due beradik mcm aku and die pling tua. Part tu kan aku rse mcm xde peluang je coz mesti adik die lgi tua dri aku kot. But wrong, adik die sme umur ngan aku. Xdelah relieve sgt sebenarnya. Yg aku nie pun satu. Belum ade pape lagi lah. I mean mne tau die dah ade ehem ehem ke. But i really really like him. I never felt something like this before. He didnt gave me this butterfly thing when he stare at me. But he did make my heart beat faster than regular beat and when we were away,  i kinda thinking about him sometime. He just like pop in my head all of sudden. I was starstruck. It just another crush i know. Eventhough i kinda hoping for more kot. Tapi xpelah, ada, adalah kan. I am glad i meet someone like him though. I mean who know music better than him kan? Joe pun xmcm die okay. Plus, he's a musician and i always want to fall for musician.

Did i tell you die like a big Najwa Latif's fan? He is! So, Najwa, I know you got a lot of hater but you still have a fan out there and i know just a person that was a big fan of yours. He wasnt big fan of Yuna like i was but he know a lot about Yuna than i am. I must say quite impersive lah awk nie. I like you btw. If only i got lot of guts. I must be saying those word right on ur face somehow. :)