Pain and happiness

Being miserable and sad and mad is kinda my thing. And thinking about bad things make me much calmer and relax actually. I know it is weird. Who loves the pain anyway? But somehow pain makes me feel alive and  appreciate for being alive.

So, bila suddenly i rasa mcm spark fly and happy and in love, i freak out. I rasa mcm something is goiing wrong, something bad is going to happen soon. Seriously, tak pleasant langsung rasa ni tau. Even though i start picturing all the bad things yg akan jadi but somehow the good things always came in a way. Like how joe muncul dlm mimpi i like everyday last week and i cant stop thinking of him, of him proposing, of us getting married. I mean whats wrong with me? Kenapa i bayang or berangan psl bnde tu semua? Its not going to happen any time soon or never going to happen. Yelah, belum tentu lagi dia jodoh i. We kinda busy with our lives right now. And i tak ready nk kahwin sekrng ni and the fact that sometime i rasa he deserve lots better and we just not meant to be together in the end. I know, insane right? The power of overthinking. 

It was actually pleasant and not pleasant feeling happy. I tau i ckp be happy and im going to allow myself be happy but it just didnt work. I kinda love and stuck with pain now.  I mean im happy. I really am. But i am much more happy with pain. Like kalo i bayang like joe bgitau i he found someone else and they end up married and i end up alone, it feels nice. Ok, jgn salah sangka ok. I like joe. I really really like him. Like u nk bukti apa lagi untuk i convince yg i betul2 ske joe. It just that im getting so used of the pain that i was more addicted to feel it and miss it when i didnt feel any of it. Happy just temporary but pain is permanent. Ughh.. Susah nk explain. Im complicated.

The thing is i love pain. But not the kind of hurting myself or abuse myself physically and left a bunch of hideous marks. Its the kind that pain that makes me hate everyone, people ruin my life and how i wanna get rid of people that i dislike for good. I just love pain and im trying to get used of this happy bubbly spark fly feeling. Im trying. Im not like i used to be. Bila i ingt diri i yg dlu. I miss her. She was so happy and she will be much more happy when she had these kind of thought. But not me, the new her. The new me is dark and cloudy. But i am trying.

Hypocrite vs Fake

First of all, u need to differentiate between hypocrite and fake. Then will only you understand it.

Hypocrite is kinda like backstabber. Kau lagak baik depan dia, puji dia blah blah blah tapi belakang dia, kau buat taik, kau ckp buruk psl dia, kau kutuk kutuk dia mcm kau bagus sgt and kau je yg betul. While fake is where.. well.. kau fake lah. Kau fake kau suka dia, kau fake yg kau ok je dgn apa yg dia buat wlapun deep down inside you, kau mmg nk strangle dia smpai mati or just push him in front of the bus pastu biar dia mati mcm george o'malley. Kau fake je, kau xdelah smpai puji melambung kt dia. You just pretend like you care but actually you dont care about all those shit that he/she said. Fhm tak? Tak fhm? Xpe, nnti i terangkn lebih detail lagi kay.. 

Kadang aku rasa mcm hati aku ni hitam sgt and my life is just full of hatred sbb cara aku react or think or maybe say. Mungkin aku mmg jenis yg akan tunjuk kalo betul2 tak suka kt sesorng itu. Like mcm haritu aku kene berjumpa dgn orng aku tak ske sbb ada event. Aku nk lari mcm mne kan? So aku salam dia pastu aku blah. Takdelah. Dia dduk dekat ngan aku pastu aku dgr lah dia ckp2. Seksa wei rasa. Aku tak tahan dgr dia ckp or hear any word that came out from his mouth. Aku rasa mcm nk ckp je kat dia, 'all the crappy things u said just now is bullshit and it sound so fucking bullshit'. And bagi mengelakkan bnde alah ni terjadi, aku pun blah. Duduk jauh dri dia. 

And then they are some people di mana sama isu dgn aku, tak suka dgn mamat tu sbb perangai dia yg jual ikan. Si penjual ikan kt tapak pasar malam pun lebih mulia tau. Tapi dorng lain. Dorng ckp je tak suka pastu komen2 perangai mamat tu. Tapi bila depan mamat tu, they welcome him with open door, with loving embrace like nothing happen, like what he do was right and does not bother you. And aku berdiri kt situ and was like, what the fuck is going on here? Suddenly u change side or u change ur mind or u just fucking idiot? Serious tak phm ngan orng mcm ni.

Tapi perlu diingatkn orng mcm tulah yg kau kene hati2 setiap kata yg kau ucapkan, setiap gerak geri dan tingkah laku kau, they are watching. Mungkin kau duduk satu meja ngan dorng pastu tetbe kluar isu psl orng yg kau tak ske and it turned out that dorng pun tak ske orng tu jugak. And kau sibuk cite psl dia semua and dorng pun did the same. Then one day tah mcm mne kau nmpk cara dorng lain orng tu mcm seolah2 takde rasa tak suka or benci. Ada kemungkinan dorng pun ada bercakap psl kau dgn org tu. Dorng tau semua rahsia buruk kau and dedahkn kt orng tu untuk jatuhkn kau. Seriously orng hipokrit jauh lebih bahaya. 

Bagi aku, aku dah sgt biasa dgn situasi mcm ni. Kalo aku betul2 tak suka orng tu, aku mmg tak kisah like lantaklah. Dri muka aku and cara aku pun dh boleh tau yg aku tak suka sesorng tu so kalo kau nk cite psl aku kutuk or ngata kt dia, go ahead. I really dont mind. I mean whats the point of hiding the obvious kan? But still untuk orng yg aku tak suka tak bersebab or sebab2 tak pasti, aku mungkin boleh dikatakan hipokrit sbb masih boleh fake and pretend mcm takde pape. Tapi mcm mne hipokrit pun aku, aku takkan cite kt orng psl apa certain orng ckp kt aku psl orng dia tak suka. I dont go selling people stories. That's cheap. Or paling low pun using to blackmail or ungkit or menjatuhkan sesorng. I just keep it to myself and lama2 nanti aku lupa lah sbb bnde tu tak penting pun. If you hurt my feeling, i wont go dig what u said 20 years ago and use it against you. I simply ignore you and whatever you do, i dont give a fuck about that. Hidup kau pandai lah kau urus sendiri. From that moment i dont like you, you are dead to me. And dont go and ask for my help coz all i ever going to give is nothing or some crappy shit that suit you perfectly. 

I think my honesty is something people should appreciate about. Ye, aku tau aku nmpk mcm takde manners and the fact that i was cold and heartless but cut me a slack will you. If you nice to me, i would do the same. If you messed with me, then you will deserve your price. Aku ok kalo orng ok. And aku takkan pernah tak suka seseorng tanpa bersebab. Im not that kind of person. Even though kdg nmpk mcm sebab aku tah pape je. But i had my point. It was up to u untuk terima or tak. Last time i check this is a free country. Tak taulah the future mcm mne kan. Point is, whatever you wanna be, hypocrite or fake, that was all really up to u. Anything that suit you and make u feel comfortable in your own skin. No matter what, just be happy :)

This overthinking and thoughts

I guess being a person who was over thinking and bitter and cold makes me think that happy ending just aint for me. That love just a myth and that it happen in fairy tales or to someone who was not me obviously. I tak tau nape but the idea of happily ever after just didnt work for me. I kinda not believe in happiness or even love sometime. I tau i bukannya dtg dari broken family ke apa or even have a massive heartbreak that turn me into this kind of monster. But i think it just the way i think. I know its weird. I mean i am happy. But do i really happy inside? I cant tell.

Being an over thinking has its own perks. Like you prepare yourself in whatever outcome. Mcm i, i always prepare or assume for the worst. I tak pernah prepare for the good things actually. Like good things bnde yg terakhir akan cross on my mind or never. Sbb tu kalo it was a good thing happen, i panic sbb i tak tau mcm mne nk react. I didnt prepare for this and i didnt expect this to happen. I mean i tau kita patut prepare the good and bad things. But in my case preparing myself for the bad things make me less disappointing.

But being like too over thinking buat you fikir yg bukan bukan. Like u make some scene in your head. Pastu u tak tau the other stroy from the other side tapi u just assume and u somehow make a scene in your head. I know. Sbb i rasa mcm byk kali gaklah i bwat mcm tu. Its a bad habit, i know. But it is my kind of habit. So i  wont change it.

Tapi sometime i rasa mcm my over thinking makes me push people away. Like well mcm i ckp tadi, i overthink, making some scene in my head pastu i just leave. Like what i do now with angah. She used to be my person. I used to tell her everything from friends to enemy and from boys to heartbreak. But now i cant even tell her about joe and i. Padahal she deserve to know and she will be so damn happy kalo dia dpt tau bnde alah ni sbb she always wanted we both be together. Since dia tau i ada feeling kt joe. She always like supporting and saying and hoping kteorng end up together. Well, sekrng ni takleh lah nk ckp kteorng end up together sbb we not couple or relay. We just friends with benefit? or more than friends but not lovers? Maybe sbb susah nk ckp or explain makes me feel like this thing should wait and untold. Tapi this kind of secrecy yg buat i mcm push dia away. Entahlah i sendiri tak paham diri i. Maybe it just me.

Kahwin? Haha.. Not now..

You guys must think that im taking my space and time and whatever. I am actually. But at the same time i was busy with exam and labs. Aku kene stay kot this cuti sem. A sacrifice that need to be made. Tahun akhir kan. So fhm2 jelh. Xpe. After this ley relax sket. Kot. I mean lpas abis everything lah. Ley travel2 ke hape. Kan kan.. Kalo duit ada.. Haha.. If not, berangan jelah. Takpun gi ler mana2 yg dekat. But i am not gonna talk about my busy-ness nii. I mean sape je nk dgr kan. Hahahaha.. And beside tgk title lah kan..

Hydrometer. One of method yg kene guna.

So, bulan 2 ni aku ada 2 wedding nk kene attend. Hari yg sama lak tu tpi tempat yg lain. Satu kt KL, satu kt Johor. Bapaklh. Matilanak! One is my high school friend and satu lagi sedara/classmate waktu matriks. Tak pahm? Well, jodoh kot. Tetbe ley lak sama tempat matriks pastu sama class. Tpi kteorng tak rapat sgt. MAybe kecik2 dlu rapat lah. Main masak2, pondok2, kahwin tu semua. But since semua dh grown up, we tore apart. Dlu aku, dia and angah rapat gila wei. Then she changed or maybe we changed. So last2 tinggal aku ngan angah je. Aku adalah gak try start conversation. Mana tau kot2 ley sambung balik ikatan terputus tu. Tpi tak boleh lah. Awkward gle wei. I seriously tak tahu nk ckp apa. Mcm ckp perkara basic je kot. So i guess that was it. Tpi takdelah sampai tak bertegur. Tegur. Dh classmate wei, pelik je nnti orng tgk. Dhlh sedara.

Which one should i go? Really.

Aku nk gi wedding kwn aku tu sbb alang2 the girls ada. So sambil tu ley lepaskan rindu. And then if i go to sedara aku nyer wedding, dpt jumpa angah. Last jumpa raya kot and that was last year. Just i hope kalo i gi wedding sedara i tu, xde mulut tempayang makcik2 yg dok sibuk tanya turn aku bila mcm aritu cousin aku kahwin belah my mom lah. Disebabkan i know nothing good will ever coming out from my mouth, aku just senyum dan senyap. Sbb aku tahu hanya makian dan ayat sarkastik yg akan kluar dri mulut aku yg comel ni.

Takdelah, yang aku tak paham. Rmai lagi yg atas2 aku tu tak kahwin lagi. Perlu ke persoalkn aku mcm tu. Mmg lah aku yg anak 1st and pompuan lak tu. Tpi chill lah wei. Ni 2016 kot. We had different perspective. To be honest, aku rasa sekrng ni mmg aku nk fokus on study, dpt scroll pastu kerja, pamper family aku n diri aku. Marriage is the last thing i will ever think about. Biar aku repeat and tekan kn. Marriage is the last thing i will EVER EVER think about. And tak tahu lagi sempat jumpa jodoh ke tak. Tetbe ajal yang dtg pinang dlu. Ha... And jodoh aku tu pun mungkin still tgh rilex2 enjoy2 and maybe still sesat tak jumpa jalan. Guna waze pun ley sesat sbb waze bagi jln dlm, jln kampung, jln tah pape. Aku bkn anti waze tpi waze mmg kadg2 wasting my time okay.

And last but not least, aku rasa mcm aku masih telalu kanak2 untuk kahwin. Mcm aku pernah mention dlu, bila kahwin nnti byk kot responsibility dia. And aku tak ready lagi. Aku student di mana waktu takde class diisikan dengan tido yang tak pernah cukup and movie2 yg ambik dri member and hu-ha-hu-ha dgn kwn2 sekepala. I dont even think im ready to settle with one person for the rest of my life. Dont get me wrong. I like joe and i've been like him for a few years. Lari mcm mne pun mesti lari balik ke arah dia. Puas cari rebound tpi semua aku reject last2. Setia sgt ni wei. Jampi apakah ini? Haha..

I like him and yeah i hope one day we will settle down with each other. But that time not now. Buat masa ni masing2 sibuk kejar impian masing2. And belum tentu lagi dia jodoh aku. So, i like the way my life is right now. I love my relationship with my family, my friends and joe and my cats. I wont change for a thing. I just like the way it is. The familiar and the comfortable that makes me happy. So apa kata jangan tanye ble aku nk kahwin lagi ke apa ke. Sbb takut apa yg terkeluar dri mulut aku ni agak pedas dan berbisa. Pastu nnti kau terasa and then nk tarik muka. Sbb aku mmg boleh jadi heartless and i got a resting-bitch-face. So im doing just fine.

Membebel pnjg2 pun still tak tau nk gi wedding yg mana satu. Hmm.. takpelah. Biar future nasuha yg fkir kan. Haha.. Apakah... Dh dh.. Lama tak blog tu yg merapu dia lain mcm tu. LOLs. :D

Thank you for understanding

Tdi date ngan dila. Lama gila beb tak jumpa. Yelah, masing2 sibuk dengan kehidupan masing2. Tapi alhamdulilah, masih diberi kesempatan untuk berjumpa dan berborak seperti biasa. Aku appreciate sgt friendship aku ngan dia sama mcm aku appreciate friendship aku dgn the girls and joe. Wlaupun yelah kdg2 aku took advantage. But im only human. So bnde tu perkara biasa kot. I mean, ngaku jelah, u be mean towards people u love. Tpi aku tak dapat nk terangkan kenapa and entry kali ni bkn nk ckp psl bnde alah ni. So abaikan. Ada masa nnti, aku cite naa..

Dapat lepak ngan dila at least sekali je satu sem wlaupun U sama wlaupun kolej lain n course lain n dh tentu2 fak lain. Tpi okaylah. At least jumpa and borak2 mcm biasa, mcm zaman roomate waktu matriks dlu. Tak awkward tu yg penting. Aku tak sangka yang somehow aku n dila lalui bnde yg sama. Dlu masa aku depress or having break down or breaking point tu, ble cite kt dila n dia pun ckp dia lalui. Wlaupun situasi dia berbeza tpi still sama. Masing2 tempuhi satu fasa dimana kita berubah menjadi orng lain, yg lebih responsible, mature. A breaking point like i said.

Sbb aku rasa point tu lah yg bwat aku jadi diri aku sekrng. And the fact that i get used of everything until i kinda miss it. Pelik tak kalo aku ckp aku rindu jadi sedih? Serious kot. Masa dok tgh sparks fly gitu asyik dgr lagu happy2 je and tetbe aku rindu jadi sedih. Sgt pelik tpi kenyataan. And wlaupun rmai yg tak caya bila aku ckp aku heartless tpi kenyataan nya mmg aku heartless. Parents aku pun ckp mcm tu and jgn ckp dorng tak kenal aku. Dorng lebih kenal aku lebih drpd kau ok sbb dorng ada masa aku jatuh, masa aku depress. And wlaupun time tu aku mmg rasa kesian sbb buat dorng risau tpi aku tak boleh bwat apa2. I cant control my emotion. It just what i feel that time. Tpi aku cuba bangkit and cuba tak bunuh diri. So last2 this is me. The cold heartless bitch who care less and wear a mask 24/7. Cuma tulah maybe dorng tak tau cite so dorng label aku mcm tu tpi tak kisah lah. Janji aku tau sape diri aku. Tu yg penting.

And kali ni cite aku sama ngan dila lagi but it involve love. Aku cite kt dila psl joe and dia cite kt aku psl ehem dia. Sama je mcm aku. Dorng pun tak slalu msg. Ada masa baru msg. Pastu dua2 tak declare pape. Take it slow and pegang pada jodoh. Dua2 nk enjoy and tumpu pada impian masing2. Sama je mcm aku ngan joe. And bila orng tnye psl aku n joe. And bila aku jwb, kitaorng ok je. Orng akan start skeptical like ye ke ok. Actually kitaorng ok tapi........

dan tapi tu lah aku tak dapat nk teruskan. Sbbnya aku malas nk explain. Bknnya korng faham pun. Aku sendiri tak tau and tak paham. Apatah lagi korng. So, let it be.

Pastu kn yg psl 'skandal' aku tu kan. Dila pun kinda mcm aku. Classmate dia gak. Dia start rapat ngan budak tu pun sebab ada program debat. And aku pun sama lah sbb program ngan bdk matrik thun lepas. And wlaupun aku n dia ye kn je semua mcm betul2 tpi sebenarnya main2 and masing2 tau it just a joke. People around us didnt really get it. Well, dorng tau main2 tpi still dorng wondering and worried if salah sorng dri kitaorng akan jatuh hati. And since 'skandal' aku tu jenis peramah tahap player so of course lah dorng takut aku yg goyang. Sbb kalo nk ikutkn ramai yg ske dia or rmai yg akhirnya terske dia. Aku admit aku pernah ske dia dulu masa sem 1 first year dlu tpi kejap je. Dlm 2 minggu je kot pastu aku dh busy balik ngan joe. So, aku pun terus lupa psl dia. 

Dorng tau yg aku ske joe dlu pun lpas break ngan ashraf sbb joe always be there for me, make sure i was ok. So donrg mcm takut kalo aku nk move on dri joe aku gne 'skandal' aku tu as rebound sama macm aku akan2 gne joe as rebound to move on from ashraf tpi actually tak pun ok. He was my best friend. And dorng tak tau or maybe lupa or i lpe bgitau is the FACT that aku n joe dh kenal almost 10 TAHUN. And aku bkn terus kenal joe terus ske tau. It took a lot of wrong guy and wrong relationship. And masa mula kenal pun aku dh set kt kepala otak aku yg geliga ni yg aku n dia takkan lama. Kenal sbb salah nombor so tak mungkin lah nk kenal lama2, tak penting pun. Esok lusa lupalah. Tpi sapa sangka. He was my best friend and one of my important person. Aku kenal joe masa 2006 n aku start ske dia masa 2011. And masa kteorng berkawan, aku dh couple sebyk 8 kali termasuk ashraf. Ashraf is the last one and aku tak tau npe lepas ashraf baru aku realize feeling aku kt joe wlaupun even the girls and ex aku ckp psl aku n joe tu dh lama dh. Tpi aku deny. And aku deny lagi masa aku terima ashraf balik dengan harapan feeling aku kt joe akan kurng. Tpi tak. Makin kuat dan menyakinkan. And smpai sekrng wlau mcm mne pun, feeling tu takkan pergi. Mungkin akan pergi bila dia nk kahwin kot. Mungkin. Gila kau, crush kt laki orng. I am not person like that. So bgitau aku tang mana yg aku akan goyang nyer?? 

So it was really really nice to talk to someone yg fhm kau and nak lak situasi akan2 sama so bonding dia lagi kuat lah. And nak2 lak sejak akhir2 ni aku mmg agak goyang sket tpi bkn goyang terske orng lain. Cme aku ada doubts and aku rasa nk move on and he deserve better, not this train wreck person. So bila borak ngan dila, She understand me and understand my situation without even i need to elaborate more. So it feel nice and warm. And she make me realize and change my mind. Sbb mmg tu yg aku perlu pun actually. Aku cuma ingt aku perlu kn joe untuk ingt kn aku akan2 mcm lagu Tolong Ingtkn Aku by Ana Raffali tu. Tpi actually aku just perlukn orng untuk ingt kn aku. For someone who prefer/ like to be alone, its nice to let everything out and share/talk with someone and find someone who understand you better. So thank you miss dila. Saya hargai masa dan kata2 anda. Terima kasih.

Kenapa perlu berskandal??

Kenapa perlu berskandal??

Tak perlu pun actually skandal or kekasih gelap or kekasih sandaran ni. Seriously tak perlu. Xspecially ble korng happy bahagia ngan korng nyer significance other. So kenapa perlu berskandal?

Saja suka suka? Mengisi masa lapang? Bwat spare part?

Amboi korng nii.. melampau tau takk...

Tpi actually bley diterima pakai gak sbb ada byk situasi berskandal ni actually.

1. Situasi pertama

- Kau dgn skandal kau dua2 dh ada pasangan. Bahagia. Tpi mungkin sbb korng rapat tpi bkn best friend ke apa tau. Just kawan mungkin sbb korng ada member yg sama or korng sama course or apa apa jelah. Kwn sahaja and member2 korng lak rasa mcm korng nmpk ngam together. Nk lak ble kenen kn korng bedua, korng ye kn je. Mcm seolah2 korng betul2 together tpi masing2 takde simpan perasaan pelik. Mcm aku ckp kawan je. And masing2 bahagia dgn pasangan masing2. Ni dipanggil desakan member sekalian. Well, mungkin korng mmg end up kwn je ngan skandal korng or mungkin korng end up together or maybe salah sorng ada simpan suatu perasaan. Member aku ada ckp, skandal is the best than boifren/girfren ni and potensi untuk end up ngan skandal tu adalah tinggi. Aku tak pastilah bpe percent yg akan end up ngan skandal dorng. Aku mls nk run poll kt twitter tu. But who knows kn? The future is a mystery.... Haha

2. Situasi kedua

- Korng berskandal dgn dia sbb kau minat dia tpi dia dh ada gf/bf tpi dia minat kt kau gak cuma entahlah tak tau npe dia tak nk break off. And kau snggup tunggu dia break. Tpi ni dh kira curang tau and korng dianggap perampas and desperate. Serious dowh. Orng mcm ni kau move on jelah. Takyah nk berskandal bagai. Just leave while u still can. Sbb kalo dia dh ske kau, npe dia tak break ngan pasangan dia and together ngan kau? Jangan nk nyanyi lagu Jadikn Aku Yg Kedua by Astrid tulah. Tu tanda2 manusia yang desperate. Mcm takde orng lain. Mmg lah takde orng mcm dia. But you deserve better. So akhir kata. Run while you still can *ckp satu satu perkataan tau

3. Situasi ketiga

- Situasi yg ni sama mcm yg kedua cuma both dh ada pasangan masing2 tpi mungkin tak berapa bahagia or maybe bahagia. Tpi entahlh nk gak berskandal. And somehow korng dua ada feeling kt each other. Tpi entah maybe somehow korng taknak tinggalkn pasangan korng. Mungkin berskandal kinda make everything excited and feisty. Maybe. Tak tahulah. Tak pernah experience rasanya. Haha..

4. Situasi keempat

- Aku tak pasti lah dia layak ke tak untuk dipanggil skandal. Sbb nyer dua dua single, dua dua main main je, dua dua tak serius pun, dua dua just.. entahlah.. Mungkin bukan skandal rasanya. More to fobia cinta. Tpi lantaklah blog aku biar lah aku nk letak n tulis apa pun. Korng baca je and percaya or ikut mana perlu. Cewah.. Haha..

Ada gak kwn aku ckp yg skandal ni teman waktu bosan je. Teman berborak. Mungkin betul kot dia ckp. Entahlah. Aku? Skandal? Ada n betul lh peneman saja sbb hati ku hanya nk yg kt muar tu gak while skandal aku nk gewe dri kelantan tu gak. Lgipun skandal aku ni mcm womanizer sket. He treat everybody the same ok. So whatever. Janji masing2 takde simpan perasaan pelik or pape. So, kira ok lah tu.

Lgipun kdg2 lebih baik berskandal wlaupun kau mungkin dh ada significance other. Janji takde feeling lebih lebih lah dgn skandal. Dripd korng dh ada someone tpi duk still minat kt this particular person pastu tunjuk lak tu kau minat dia. Ish ish.. Move on please..

Sekian~
Gi layan lagu Sephia by Sheila on 7 smpai bosan
XD

Human Settlement

Aritu tgh dok berangan2 dlm kelas. Well, bkn kelas dia tak interesting. It just that time tu ptg and xley nk masuk dh apa yg dia ckp. Tpi tetbe mata aku terus segar ble dia ckp human settlement. Segar gle wei. Haha..

Apa yg ada kt human settlement?

Ok, as a marine science student, aku ada belajar psl larvae settlement di mana larvae tu ble dh smpai cues, dia akan settle pada satu substrate. If tak dpt cues or tak jumpa tempat yg suitable, dorng akan delay untuk settle. Dorng ley delay selama mana yg dorng nk or dorng ley settle mana2 tmpt if dorng sgt2 terdesak.

So aku dpt satu teori yg boleh diguna pakai dan dipanggil human settlement. Cbe bygkn. Kita as human being. Satu masa nnti bila smpai seru nya untuk settle down as in kahwin, kte akan kahwin. Or ble kita jumpa someone yg compatible and suitable untuk kita, mestilah kita halalkn hubungan tu. Smpai bila nk kumpul dosa ni. Bawak anak dara orng ke hulu ke hilir ha. Tpi ada gak kalo kita tak dpt seru lagi as in nk enjoy wat lek wat peace dlu or kita rasa mcm kita xjumpa lagi orng yg sesuai ngan kita, mestilah kita tak settle down lagi wlaupun ingin. And ada certain people akan cekup mana2 laki or pompuan untuk kahwin maybe desakan family ke apa ke or tekanan dri masyarakat yg berfikiran taboo. And kita harap mungkin lpas kahwin ni akan muncul perasaan cinta dan kasih. Or paling kurng pun cerai. The end.

Ley pakai kan teori aku ni. Aritu ada aku bebel kt twitter psl human settlement ni tpi xbyk lah sbb kt twitter kn limited words dia. Takde feel langsung. So aku meroyan lah kt blog. Haha.. *evil laugh

And aku tergolong dlm golongan yg xdpt seru lagi, nk enjoy wat lek wat peace. Serious kot aku ckp. Rmai je yg sama umur ngan aku dh kahwin n nk kahwin. Even sedara sama umur ngan aku dh kahwin n akan kahwin thun depan. Tpi aku.. entahlah wei. Mmg tak rasa pape. Rasa mcm tak nk kahwin pun ada gak wlaupun ske berangan kahwin kdg2. Haha.. Aku dh mcm Arizona Robbins lak. Tpi minus the lesbian part. Mungkin satu hari nnti ada lah tu dpt seru. Maybe. Maybe not. Either way, im happy just the way i am right now. And thats what matter the most for me actually.

Sekian~

 

The Criteria

Post yg ini diinspirasikan dri cite 'Cinta Bulan Disember'. I slalu tak layan sgt drama melayu. Ceh bajet. Haha.. But since Redza Minhat yg tweet psl cite ni so i pun tgklah. Not bad. And wlaupun i dpt agak jln cite dia and how's the ending tpi dia still buat i rasa nk tgk gak smpai habis. Ok ok.. 

For those yg tgk cite ni, korng mesti perasan psl ciri ciri lelaki yg dia nk kn? And for those yg tak tengok, let me tell you. This girl, Liyana nk lelaki yg lahir pada bulan disember, kene suka ice cream strawberry and boleh get along ngan abah dia. I get the other criteria. I cuma tak fhm, gigih gle wei nk cari lelaki yg lahir bulan disember. Bapak aahh.. Gigih siak wa ckp lu. Tpi nama pun cite kn so of course lah dia dpt jumpa guy yg lahir bulan disember. Nk settle down dh, nk kahwin dh, he's the one blah blah blah.. Tpi end dia, she didnt end up with that guy. She met other guy who born on Disember. Cite.. Fairytale abis.. 

Tajuk pun psl kriteria kan. I pun ada gak ciri ciri lelaki idaman. Eh cewah.. Haha.. Well, lelaki tu tak semestinya kene lahir bulan Mei (sbb tu bday aku). Tpi kalo ley dia kenelah berbintang Taurus or Virgo. Kenapa? Tak pasti tpi mcm okay kot. Compatible dan chemistry dia tu ada. Kot lah. Sumber mana tah aku ambik n kt mana tah aku perasan. Tpi tak kisah. Bkn perkara wajib. Second, he must be a foodie person. Yelah, nnti dgn sape i nk gi food hunting. Tak bestlah nnti. Tak pasal pasal i syok sendiri nnti. Ni wajib kay. Third, dia mesti ske vintage things, vespa ke apa ke, tak kisah lah. Janji ske. Ni separa wajib. Forth, dia tak semestinya fan JDT or fan Liverpool. Tpi dia kene ada fan of mana mana football club. Tak kisahlah. Selangor ke MU ke.. Ada kay lelaki yg tak minat bola. One of my ex and one of my friend. Dorng just tgk tpi mcm takde interest and choose mana yg dorng ni. Seriously? I tak fhm spesis ni. I kalo tgk bola yg bkn i nyer team main pun, i tak sokong mana mana. I tengok je. Bkn team i. I nk tukar channel, remote takde. Layan kn jelah. Ok, where am i... Fifth, mestilah ley get along with my family and respect my parents, boleh bimbing i. Ok kene stop sbb i dh start berangan dh ni. Parah parah.. Haha

Biasalah pompuan. Kuat berangan.. Yep i think thats all for now for the criteria. Take care. Bye :)

Those loser moment

Nobody is perfect. Everyone has their own weakness that they may try to hide it and battle with it.

I found someone who was feel like such a loser for asking for help. Dia rasa diri dia proud sgt. And sgt down bila dia kene mintak tolong kt orng. Wlaupun time tu dia mmg desperate in need of someone help and actually orng tu tak kisah pun nk tolong dia. Contoh mcm dia sakit and tak larat. Takkan lah nk biarkan dia mcm tu. Of course people will help no matter what. Sbb fhm keadaan dia. But no. Dia rasa sgt loser and helpless kene mintak tolong kt orang. Mungkin sebab takut terhutang budi kot. Sbb i pun kdg2 mcm tu gak. Sbb takut terhutang budi. And i hate terhutang budi dgn orng. Sbb i rasa i perlu sacrifice something untuk orang tu and i tak ske. Tpi depends gak. I xde lah rasa loser sgt. Sbb sometime we do need help from other people. 

Then i found someone yang sgt positive tpi xboleh orng lagi positive dri dia. Dia rasa sgt loser and boleh lead to negativity. Dia akan rasa down and lose confidence sbb ada orng lgi positive dri dia. Kalo i... i tak rasa loser sgt. Tpi tulah bila someone become positive than me, i could being so negative wlaupun i desperately need someone untuk positive kan i balik wlaupun jugak i akan tetap stay negative regardless how positive that people is. I tetap dengan pendirian negative i. Tpi tak sampai rasa loser. Mungkin down tu adalah kot.

And as for me.. I sgt tak suka rasa jealous. Sgt sgt tak ske. I akan rasa sgt loser and down bila bila i rasa jealous ttg something and someone. And i akan cuba fight and hide it pretty well. Tpi i sgt tak ske perasaan jeles. Selama ni i ckp je i jealous about something, i tak pernah bermaksud kn pun. I just saja ckp. Kalo nk ikutkan jeles psl xdpt tgk jdt match kat dataran tu xde lah jeles sgt sbb i dpt tgk kt cafe zaaba, dpt rasa gak suasana meriah dia. And psl jeles xdpt gi cafe vintage and naik vespa semua tu pun xde apa sgt pun. Dh move on dh pun. Sbb i dpt gi byk lagi cafe vintage or hipster yg best best. N psl vespa, xpe, one day. Xkemana lah vespa tu. Tpi i pernah kot jeles psl orng nyer score. Time tu rasa mcm nk bunuh diri je sbb sgt tak ske sgt perasaan tu tapi tetbe terasa. And of course i akan cuba buang jauh jauh. Sgt tak ske. And sekrng ni, i ada perasaan jeles terhadap this particular person. I tak tau npe i rasa jeles sgt bila dia dgn orng laen wlaupun orng laen tu kwn i sendiri. I tak suka perasaan ni. Kalo i dapat buang satu perasaan, i lebih rela buang perasaan jeles daripada sedih dan marah. Sgt tak suka perasaan ni. Selalunya mcm biasa lah bila rasa jeles je, i akan cuba buang jauh jauh and move on. Tpi masih tak boleh nk move on. Tak paham lah. Selama ni tak pernah pernah rasa jeles kt ashraf and joe. Tpi ngan dia,perasaan jeles ni membuak buak. Sgt xske. Npe perlu jeles. Xde apa yg nk jeleskan nya. Dia bukan sapa sapa pun. Npe perlu jeles?! Ughh.. Xske perasaan niiiii!!!!!! Serious sgt tak ske perasaan niiiii!!!!!

Dan i masih mencari lagi those loser moment on someone or weakness..

Jealous much??

Bagi sape yg kenal i mesti tau yg i bkn jenis yg snang jeles. The word jealous just didnt exist in my life. Mesti korng like seriously pompuan ni xpernah rasa jeles? Bohonglah. But sadly its the truth. Pelik mmg pelik tpi tu kenyataan kay. I dpt apa je bohong. Bgitau sket.

 

Ok. Adalh jeles tu sket tpi kejap je. Like npe orng ni rapat ngan orng ni or npe dia dpt beli bnde alah tu, npe tu npe ni. Tpi kejap je. Lama2 i lpe and it slowly disappeared. Pastu i jeles ble joe gi stadium tgk jdt nyer match and dia bwak vespa dia round2 and dia gi kedai vintage yg i nk gi tu. Tu antara bnde yg mmg tah pape tpi antara bnde yg mmg i jeles. Tau pelik n tah pape. But i just get a jealousy feeling with those stuff.

But to be jeles bcoz of a guy with another girl, tu bkn i. Sbb time ngan ashraf lagi i mmg xde perasaan jeles. Perasaan sakit hati sbb dia selalu busy memanjang, xde masa tok i, mmg ye. But untuk i jeles ble i nmpk dia text with other girl or ambik gmbr ngan girl laen etc, i takde rasa apa2. Sbb tu ashraf left me sbb nmpk mcm i ni tak bgi apa2 effort in our relationship. Sbb i ley xkisah dia ngan pompuan tu. I kisah actually cme i xnk kongkong dia. I pun xske orng control i. I ada ckp kot kt dia kalo kwn xpelah. Eleh, padahal dia mmg nk dump kte tu. Okay, cte lepas. Xperlu dikenang. And then there was joe. I xrasa jeles ble dia ngan other girl. Like seriously, i xjeles, i dont give a damn, mcm seolah2 xpe last2 dia ngan aku je. Cewah. Confident gle. Tpi sekrng feeling dh xde. Dh move on. Haha.. Tinggal kenangan jelh.

I always hope yg i akan jumpa someone yg bley bwat i rasa jeles. Kalo crush2 tu xde apa rasa sgt sbb alah crush je pun. Ble jumpa je excited, kalo tak jumpa, tak ingt pun. But then, my wish/hope came true. I found someone yg berjaya bwat i rasa jeles. Eh menyampah lak perasaan jeles ni sbb tah pape. Bgi i lah. I perasan perasaan tu ada tpi i bwat2 dia tak wujud sbb untuk apa i nk jeles kt dia. He's not my significance other pun. Tpi tulah, peliklah. Dlm ramai2 npe perlu i rasa jeles kt dia. Tak munasabah tau. Ble i nmpk dia ngan girl laen or dia ada msg ngan girl laen, perasaan jeles tu ada muncul. Tpi i rasa mcm tah pape lak sbb who is he for me to be jealous with. Mcm pelik je ayat ni. Xpe. Pokoknya korng fhm apa yg i nk smpai ni kn. I xpatut rasa jeles. Xde bnde pun nk dijeleskan lgi pun. Dh dh ckup. Perasaan je kot. Lelama nnti hilang lah. Bknnya nk end up ngan dia pun. Lps ni hilang berterbangan lah crush2 n jeles2 ni kt dia.

Ok perlu stop. I think im going crazy.

Bebelan semata.

I love watching people. I love watching couple xspecially yg dh kahwin, ada anak ni. Oh, perasaan jeles sudah tiada. Sbb calon dh xde. Im free and i know what i want in my life, what i wanna do next. I get it all figure it out. Ok, so tgh lepak2 ni, i saw this couple with 2 kids. Anak dia dua2 pompuan n comel lak tu. Sorng byk mulut and hyper. Yg sorng lagi lak manis je ble dia senyum n gelak. Geram lak ceq tgk and tetbe terberangan lak. Cewah. Haha.. Xde xde..

I think both of them penat kot. I mean the parents. Maybe dorng ada event ke apa ke tdi. Xtau lah sbb kalo tgk anak2 dorng hyper, ceria je. Maybe ckup tdo dh kot. But the parents. Both of them look so tired and sgt xde mood. I get that. Just mcm mne xde mood pun kau, dont u ever treat ur wife like that. Xdelah, masa nk order mkn or minum pun nmpk ssh. Pastu ble wife dia mintak dia pnggil waiter, si husband ley lak ckp panggil lah sendiri. Ya Allah time tu i rasa mcm nk hempuk je kepala laki dia. Ok fine mungkin main2. Sbb my dad pun kdg2 bwat my mom mcm tu tpi joking. Sbb dia akan gelak smbil dia usik my mom. But this one kalo tgk muka pun mcm.. hmm.. penat sgt ye bang. Baik balik rumah je tdo. Snang. Sbb kalo tgk pun dorng order air je, mkn idak. Serious drpd buang duit baik balik bwat air sendiri. Xpun tdo je. 

I cannot lah see like this. Pastu ego mcm ni. Dgn mke penat dia lagi. I xboleh tau.. Haish... 

Joe, promise me we wont end up like them. Aik npe joe? Dh ubah fikiran ke? Haha.. Xdelah. Entah. For now it was habit kot sebut2 nama joe and psl joe. Selama ni gua chill je. Kt twitter i pun berlambak gle i tweet psl dia. Xtau lah sama ada i nk move on ke apa. I pun kdg2 confuse gak ngan diri i ni. Haha.. Pape pun, i still with my decision. I love joe and part of me wish that we were meant for each other somewhere in the future. Tpi pape pun, i redha ngan segala ketentuan Ilahi. After all, kte manusia just merancang, Allah yg tentukan segalanya.

Beside, no one has ever make me happy like joe did. Chang mmg ye. He make me realize yg i deserve someone better. I do deserve someone better. But the heart just want it want. And for now, dgn joe je boleh cte apa2 for hours. Xkisah lah psl samping ke vespa ke barang2 or pkaian vintage ke. Anything. We just like that. Mungkin sbb we the best of friend. Kami kan teman terlebih mesra. Sudah terbiasa bersama. Cewah. Ayat mengundang sih. Haha..

Pape pun, ni semua hanya bebelan semata. Chill lah. Wa just ckp je. Memain je ni. Hehe.. :)

Slah satu cara tok move on mungkin? Haha..

Perhaps.

I guess u guys mesti tgh tnggu i change my mind again about joe kn? To be honest, i was waiting too myself. But sadly guys, it didnt. This time around, my heart and my brain work together and fix with their decision. Wlaupun im the boss but i couldnt argue with this one. They make a clear and point. And wlaupun pngkat i lebih besar but i just xley nk fight. 2 versus 1. So fhm2 jelah. Confirm lah i kalah. Apa lh yg u merepek ni suha syg?

Anyway, today after i dont remember how many days dh, joe reply msg i. Bkn yg lepas2 nyer msg. The latest one. Ye, i saje gedik2 text joe, bahan dia psl MU kalah. Tu pun sbb i ternmpk kt TL twitter i tu. Menyemak je kot. Then tetbe teringt joe. So i was like, apa kata bahan dia nk. Lgipun aritu teruk gak dia bahan i masa liverpool kalah. There's no harm ok. Kalo dia balas, balas lah. Kalo x, xpe. Aku sudah biasa. Tpi kalo ley balas lah. Bosan lah asyik tgk blue tick je. Say something.. Im giving up on you. Cewah.

Funnily xde pape feeling pun. Joy tu adalah. Tpi tu jelah. No cloud 9 thingy, no heart beat fast, no butterfly in my stomach no whatsoever lah. Tpi tulah radio lak ley main lagu2 yg sesuai nagn situasi n jiwa raga i. Haish. Sape lah uh jadi penyelaras lagu ni??

So, maybe this was it kot. We just not meant to be. But its ok, i redha. Kalo xde jodoh, we stay as friends like we said it before. After all dlu pun mmg kawan rapat gila lah. We could be that way again. Who knows. Maybe slightly different. But we can. Sbb lagipun masing2 sekrng pun dh laen. We parted now. But let remain friends. It was better off that way. And beside i xperlu nk fake or kene explain kt orng npe tetbe kteorng xrapat blah blah. Yelah, sebab dlu rapat gila kot. We like best of friends. Those feeling that messed us up. But i wish we could fix it and be friends one again. One for all, all for all.

Pape pun, thanks for replying. Wlaupun borak xlama. But it was enough for me. So thank you. You make my day somehow :)

Kids and wedding dress

Sometime i feel a jealousy inside of me when i see those couples who seems happy and in love, laughing, looking at each other and shared some shade. And when i found out that my high school friends already married or anyone who had same age of mine already settle down and have kids. I feel a bit jealous and had a thought like, "apa yg aku bwat dgn hidup aku ni?" "im going to be forever alone" and mcm2 thoughts yg mempersoalkan ttg aku, ttg mereka or ttg sape2 je yg kt sekeliling aku ni ha. I tau, tah pape kn. But im an over thinking. Its a habit.

But then i saw how kids could be a monster by crying, screaming. I know that im not ready yet to have kids and settle down. Hell, im not even sure im ready to love someone and be with them for the rest of my life. I know i will be ready one day. But not now. And not soon either. Maybe later. Serious kot. Aritu ada this family. Anak2 dia semua kecil2 lagilah. Pling besar pun maybe darjah 1 or 2 kot. Yg lagi 2 tu maybe 4 and 2. Mak aii.. Dgn jerit dia, dgn nangis. I COULDNT STAND IT. Pastu i lyn cte Mom's Night Out lak. NIGHTMARE! But of course i know a few years later, im going to change my mind. I would love my kids even they can be a pain in the ass. But they are my bundle of joy. Tpi tu nnti2 lah. Sekrng ni, i dont think so. And no, thank you.

Im a normal girl who fantasized my wedding dress and ceremony and all about wedding lah. Wlaupun i xdelah smpai letak sape2 (cthnya joe) as the groom. I just imagine me and a shadow. Sbb i pun xtau dgn sape i end up with or sempat ke tak. My cousin yg sama umur ngan i pun dh kahwin and rmai rasanya kwn2 sklah i nk kahwin n dh kahwin pun. I rasa jealous tpi ble i cuba letakkan diri i dlm situasi dorng yg nk kahwin dh. I was NO, IM NOT READY. I know im not. Bkn i kejar career ke apa. It just i rasa mcm there are lots of things i nk buat before i betul2 settle down. And you guys mesti like, "alah, nnti kahwin pun boleh buat gak kn". Maybe for you but not for me. When you married, at the same time you that vow to stay committed. And bkn ke kte yg pompuan ni kene dgr ckp suami, mintak izin blah blah blah. Byk responsibility ok. I just xboleh. Bkn sekrng. Nnti2. 

For now....

And enjoy my single mingle forever alone life. Ala, perasaan jealous tu kejap je. Pastu lama2 i lpe lah smpai lah i dpt tau ada orng nk kahwin. Agaknya ble dh smpai umur 2 siri ni, mmg mcm tu kot pemikiran dia. Xspecially orng mcm i lh. Sebaik lh i xde bf. Kalo ada, agaknya mcm mne lah. Xpsl i paksa bf i propose i sekrng gak or dia terpaksa lyn kerenah i yg tah pape yg kuat berangan ni. Haha.. Or tak.. or tak.. Mcm i ckp. I x ready. I tau i xready. Sekrng ni just chill and enjoy while it last. Ada jodoh, ada lah kn. Chill lah women. Haha.. 

Huh.. confident gle berkata kata. LOLs :D

When its okay to friend with your ex.

A friend of mine found that it was odd or strange to still befriend with your ex. Bcoz in his opinion, ex is an ex like past is a past. Xde bnde nk dikenang. What happen in Vegas, stay in Vegas kinda way lah kan. Bnde dh lepas, so kita patut letak dia jauh2. Xperlu dikenang or sewaktu dengannya. Nak2 lak ex kte tu byk bgi kita kenangan buruk, kinda like the worst heartbreak ever. Dh tentu lah kita nk buang dia jauh2 kan.. He actually has the same opinion ngan my mom. And to be honest bende ni i xnk argue pun sbb masing2 ada pendapat and view sendiri kan. And i respect that. 

In my case, i xdelah befriend with all my ex. The only one yg i still close smpai sekrng is ashraf. Ye, wlaupun pun dlu rasa2nya dh byk kali i sumpah seranah dia. Serious kay. And the breakup, maigod, worst feeling ever. Sape je xsedih kay. Nak2 lak time tu i mmg fikir i dh jumpa the one. I fikir i akan spend my whole life with ashraf. I xnk orng laen dh. For me, he is enough. Masa tu lah. N masa tu pun everything seem serious and i took it serious. I lak jenis yg mmg xserious dlm relationship. Semuannya i anggap cinta monyet je wlaupun ble break nangis bagai nk rak gak lah. Kot. But ashraf was different and maybe sbb tu i decide to be serious, to stay, to just be loyal for this once. But who knows. Allah had greater plan for me and him. And mmg i ngan ashraf xde jodoh to be  'they lived happily ever after'. And i redha. And slowly i move on. And sekrng ble fkir balik pun... i miss him and the memories. But together again, i pass.. Hehe.. 

So, after we broke up. Which nk kata horrible mcm xsgt lah. Bcoz its not that we fight or he cheat ke apa. It just.. snang ckp perasaan tu xde dh. And he feel guilty sbb ni dh kali ke bpe kot. Yep, before that kteorng ada break like a few times gaklah sama ada i mintak or dia. But i also realize that im not in love with this new him. So i let him go. And he let go of me. And he did ask to stay friend after this breakup. And he understand i need some time. And i did took my time. Rasanya nk dekat a year mcm tu baru i start contact dia. And now smpai sekrng. Xdelah slalu contact tpi ble contact tu xdelh rasa awkward sgt. Everything normal. Ala, mcm kwn lama2 gitu. Beside, kteorng dh lama together. We know each other flaws. Kteorng dh terbiasa bersama. So smue dh fhm hal masing2. Janji xde pape deeper feeling involve. I really dont mind. Slalunya feeling2 yg mcm tulah yg merosakkan actually. Ashraf lah one of the guy yg i comfortable tok cte apa2 masalah ke apa selain my dad, adik n joe. Mcm i ckp, i dh terbiasa dgn dia. 

Ok, so, it was really okay actually for you to stay friend with your ex. As long as dua2 dh move on. Xde dh feeling2 tu lgi dh. Semua dh cmpak ke tempat laen. What past is past kan. Buat pe simpan lagi. Ye, mmg kdg2 ada masa ble kte meroyan. Kte mcm hope bnde kembali pada asal, and u guys still together, blah blah blah. Normal untuk rasa mcm tu. Mcm taylor swift ckp. 'just because you clean, dont mean you didnt miss it'. Aku pun kdg2 dtg gak meroyan tu. Dia ok sbb kau jgn lah pulak dtg merayu kt dia. Kau simpan feeling tu sorng. Esok lusa ilang ler. Trust me. Kalo xilang gak. Kau x move on. Pergi step yg pertama cara2 nk move on balik. Gi gi gi.. *sambil buat gaya tangan menghalau

And yg pling2 penting, dua2 mmg kene agree to remain friend after break up. Kalo kau je agree, dia x. Tak ke nnti ble kau contact dia, dia ingt kau nk merayu kt dia sruh kembali. Eh, xde masa aku. And second pling penting, x awkward. Yelah u guys kan ada history. So mesti bila berborak tu mcm ada limited sket. Mungkin nk gurau rasa mcm melampau lak ke apa. Pastu nk tnye private life dia lak dh mcm minah kepoh, stalker, pervert. Kalo memula tu biasalah, sbb baru lagi kan.. Dh lama2 tu chill je. Dh leh jadi member. Mcm i ngan ashraf, dh xkisah dh borak psl apa. I could ask about his gf, and he could ask me about my love life. Pastu lagilah aritu xtahu malu mintak dia wish bday i. Hehe.. Gedik kan.. Tu i ckp, kalo dh lama2 nnti, biasalah.. Everything semua take time. 

Tpi nk ingtkan ada gak yg certain ex kte tu ckp kt mulut je nk remain friend bagai lepas break. Pastu haram jadah. Ble i tegur, dia ingt i nk mekar kn bunga2 yg layu. Eh eh, aku bkn ahli sihir ley kembang kn bunga yg layu nk mati tu. Orng tnye khabar je. Dia block iaku kot lepas tu. Sadis2. Tpi lantaklah. Bukan heran sgt pun. And of course there are a few yg mmg korng akan rasa mcm nk remain friend tu mcm impossible sgt. Bkn sbb korng break secara xbaik ke apa tpi maybe sbb ble ditgk2 kn balik, mmg cinta monyet pun. Kau sendiri xtahu npe kau ngan dia. Masa tu mungkin zaman nk up. Xpe2. I fhm. Haha..

Ha, tu jelah kot. Xde idea apa lagi. Ada nnti i tambah. Insyallah. And all of this i ckp melalui pengalaman sendiri and pengalaman orng lain and my point of view. Nk tmbah pape pun boleh. I open minded. Saya xkisah. 

Literally freaking out!

Last year i think. When things got messed up. And i was frustrated with joe. I try to find a rebound relationship just to forget about joe and this heartache. And i end up meeting someone. We talked and chat. And now that everything was ok with joe. I mean our friendship is ok now. I still contact with that person. Just not that often. Not that we often talk to before this anyway. But lately he kinda being weird. He started to say about my liking and compliment me, asking a so weird question. I really feel like want to block him and stop talking to him. But easier say than done. And ssh actually ada hati yg baik n kesian nie. Because i end up didnt. I teruskan melyn dia until suddenly today, he just ask me to marry him. Not directly but it leads that way somehow. I ask him if he was serious, and he said yeah. He started to question about duit hantaran i. And since he older a year than me, we look good together... I mean what the fuck? Like seriously what the fuck? What the fuck man? You cant just go around and ask me this kind of question. Its too much.It was so straight forward. And beside we barely knew each other and its not like we talked everyday. This was all wrong for me. ll wrong for me.

I still hope that he was just kidding around to mess with me and my head.  Please do not ask me who it was and whatever. It wasnt joe. Not that i hope it was. But yeah, it freak me out a lot. I mean, i wish to get married someday. Or not. But whatever it is, it wasnt now or next 5 years. I know i like to daydream about my wedding day and whatever. But getting ask by that, I was pretty shocked. And even if it was joe who asked it (not that he ask), i still gonna freak out and shocked. Sape je xterkejut kay ble tetbe ada someone tnye soalan pelik2 mcm tu. Unless of course korng dh bercinta bertahun2 bagai nk rak. My case was different kay. We barely knew each other. I dont know anything about him and so does he. We never had that kind of talk about like and dislike. The normal one. Sbb i mmg intend to forget about joe. Not getting all serious and all. Selama ni pun i layan endah x endah pun.

Maigod! What did you get urself in nasuha?? This thing eat you up alive. Serious rasa mcm nk bang kepala kt dinding je kot. I dont mind if you nk berangan getting marry someday or whatever. But this was too much. And i was pretty much gonna put it aside. Jauh dri otak i nie. I got lot of things to think of instead of this anyway. Maybe this is my punishment for having a very bad intention. Why cant i had an ice cold heartless heart. I wouldnt be involve with this if i had one. Really. I mean it.

P/S: Sorry for the F word. I was really mad. Just ignore it coz im not gonna delete it.

Great Conversation

It feels great to have a very good conversation with someone. And its been a long time too. So i kinda forget what it really make me feel. Lately, the missing part is getting worse and the only song i heard was Jauh. Dh upgrade sket drpd patah seribu. And the worst part of it all was that all those memories came rushing back like hurricane. Disaster. All i did every night was staring at the ceiling in total darkness, thinking about those good old times and a very very clique sad songs played in the background. Yep. How i actually spent the night.

But then, as i was rambling this to my roommate. And she was like, just text him. And i was like, no, he's busy, i dont want to get in his way. But then tah mcm mne playlist aku ley maen lagu Brave. And i text him. Xley second thought coz it will ruin the moment. And i dh ready physically and mentally dh. Lagu Jauh pun dh siap terpasang. Just in case.

Of course, in any clique story. He replied. And i feel glad. So yeah we talked until late night. And the best part of it all, i got the old him. And suddenly all those missing just feel paid off. Bcoz that was what I've been missing at all this time. The old him. And i feel much much better. 

And it just not end there. We talked most of the day. And i was so afraid that im gonna hate him or feel bored or apa2 yg sewaktu dgnnya. Sbb to be honest, i kinda feel these thing lately. Like i easily get bored. But maybe bcoz we talked different thing every day, we picked a fight, talk about our problem, agree on something, talked about our interest and looking back to how we first met. Maybe that's why i feel comfortable around him. 

Its funny how he keep surprise me everytime. I mean, dlu kteorng borak psl samping berjam2. Samping je tau. This time we talked about vintage/antique things/junks. Smue start drpd vespa hitam dia tu. Last2 smpai ke jln Dhoby, kedai mkn vintage. Smpai i tertidur dgn pgang fon lah snang ckp. I nyer case lah. Its been awhile. Sbb slalunya i akan off je data fon i n put aside. But not this time. We got lot to talk to.

Then tetbe he get all this touchy. Telling me when we first met. Looking back to good old times. Talking about our 1st fight, psl gaduh smpai putus kwn. *chuckles. He's weird yet sweet sbb ingt bnde alah tu smue. Or he just want me to feel bad sbb i xbpe nk ingt. I btul2 ingt 2007 but since he said 2006. Fine. Almost 9years we've been friends. And i harap sgt smpai ble2 pun we will going to be friends just like the girls. The weird thing is he didnt believe in BFF. He didnt even call me as one of his bff. He call me his 'special friend'. Aww.. Special lah sgt. Haha.. And who he is to me? My teman terlebih mesra as i would like to call everytime people questioning psl our friendship and wlaupun farah n mai xske ngan statement ni. But he is my teman terlebih mesra. 

So yeah, great conversation. Where we just talked about mostly everything. Naturally. We started from A then end up to Z, like how it get there. Regardless how late it was. And it was as if we own the night.  Or as if we were living in our own world, our pretty awesome crib. And no one to disturb coz they dont really understand. It was just our things. Even the merepek ness topik. Like kalo orng dgr mcm apa lah yg dorng merapu ni, bosan gle, tah pape. But that what make us, us. Original. Like i say our things. You, me, and this great conversation. So thank you for "humor" me this week. I appreciate it. And  welcome back the old you.  :)

Caring is a disease!

I care. I care a lot. It’s kinda my thing actually. Sometime i wish that i would stop care too much literally about everything. It not the kind of care of what people think, or what people might say about me. It wasnt about the judge anymore. Coz im pretty much over it since that day i lose myself. It was about care of what people actual might feel. Was i hurt their feeling if i did this or if i say this. Or the fact that they have a bad day and it feels like i need to be understandable about their situation and i need to be there for them instead of them be there for me when i needed. And i feel a lot lately. Sometime i wish i could be some people. yg jenis selfish. yg jenis lepas tangan. yg jenis xkisah. But sadly the truth is that i am not that kind of person. Aku x tergolong dlm kategori manusia mcm tu. Maybe i was the doers instead of follow of people do or say. Well, it was nice to feel that way. Sbb kdg2 ble keje group2 ni, wlaupun aku bkn the leader but i had to be a leader, gerakkn anak buah. And somehow i had to do everything, i had to do the leader job. And it was quite depressing and stressful somehow. Sbb kdg2 tu it feels good to care less, to not care about anything at all. But i never going to feel that way. Like i say, caring is a disease and its kinda my thing actually. I care too much of those little things eventhough i dont actually care of what people say about me. Im a doers. I will always be. I think. 

Walking Alone

Somehow i find peace when i was walking alone. Lost in thought. Lost in the beauty of nature. Lost somewhere. Aku saja balik rumah aritu naik train. And i really do love it actually. Listen to some song just get some mood and just walk, ignoring others. Ada je yg pndang2 as if aku ni kes lari rumah. Haha. I hope so. But i was going back home actually. Tpi yg pling best in this journey was that i imagine myself going somewhere far, far from home, somewhere i dont know where yet but i willing to figure it out. Maybe when we reach 20 n above, we just like to do things alone., being alone. It was as if we are looking for our true self or get to know of our own self. Maybe. Teori aku je lah kn. Tpi teori ni work ok on mai then farah and now me and i wonder who's next.

Mungkin lepas ni aku nk backpacking lak, alone with camera to capture a few moments, trying new things or culture or food (lols). Insyallah.

It feels good u know.. to be alone. To spending time with yourself. To have a 'me time' while it last. Life is short and i dont know how long will i be in this world, so i want to enjoy every moment and appreciate those little things and people who i love, and those who were around me.

Sombong pulak?

Lately nie mommy ske sgt tnye aku pasal encik saga. Aku xpaham dowh. Aritu dia tnya lagi. Dia tnye aku ada text pape ke kt encik saga. Ble aku ckp x. Pergh. Pnjg gle mommy membebel.

Mommy label kn aku sombong pulak. Atas sbb2 berikut:
1) aku xtext encik saga.
2) aku gedik xnk mle kn conversation
3) aku xtnye khabar pasal encik saga

Mommy nie minat betul ngan encik saga. Bkn dorng pernah jumpa pun. Tgk gmbr pun xpernah rasanya. Smpai hati mommy tuduh anak pompuan mommy yg satu2nya nie sombong. Aritu dh label kn orng jual mahal n kasar. Minggu depan xtau ler.

Aku bukan xnk text encik saga tu. Sbb aku bkn jenis yg ske text orng saje2. Aku kene ada purpose npe aku nk text dia. Mungkin sbb aku perlu sesorng untuk berckp, mungkin aku ske ckp ngan dia dan mungkin aku lonely. Tpi aku xrasa apa2 pun psl nk text dia. Sbb aku mmg xde pape nk ckp ngan dia. Kteorng pernah keluar sekali, berborak, know each other and all that. Tpi apa yg aku rasa is NOTHING. NA-DA. Ye, maybe kalo dia slalu text aku, insyallah, mungkin aku rasa sesuatu. Bkn aku nk dia start text aku dulu ke apa. Aku mmg mcm nie mula2. Seriously, u can ask ashraf n joe. Alhamdulilah, dorng xpernah bosan or jemu text i masa dlu lah.. Sekrng masing2 dh ada haluan hidup masing2.

But i was always that kind of girl, you know. Is not that i dont want to change it. It just the way i was. Mungkin sbb di awal perkenalan, i still watching them like a prey, still judging and still dont care. Tpi lpas2 dh lama2 tu, ble aku dh rasa selesa, ble perasaan best tu muncul, aku akan text dlu. In fact aku akan text dulu everytime smpai dorng rasa menyampah kot. Haha. Aku bkn sombong sgt. I just dont trust people easily. I didnt open up to people that fast. I need time. Like i say before. Aku nie complicated girl. Kalo dpt sabar dgn perangai pelik aku nie, insyallah hati aku akan terbuka and mungkin kita akan bersama2. Cewah. Tinggi tol cita2. But that just the way i am.

Tpi at least aku balas kn. Drpd aku xbalas, buat dek je. Tu baru dipanggil sombong.

Maaf kerana readers2 kene dgr bebelan n luahan hati aku. Aku bkn xnk ckp ngan mommy aku mcm nie. Aku takut kalo aku tersebut nama joe kang, dia start tnye pasal joe. Aku nie still dlm proses move on. Kalo aku yg sebut, xrasa sgt. Ble orng start sebut, kelu lidah nie wei.

So aku bwat lek je. Moga2 nnti mommy ubah topik laen lak.

Jual mahal?? Kasar??

Aritu mommy tetbe tnye aku psl encik saga.

As u who dont know who he is. Let me do a recap.

Aku kenal dia masa ambik kelas mandarin sem 1 dulu. Dia tegur aku sbb nk tnye aku pun msuk kelas cina ke. Then sejak tu, dia selalu lh tegur aku kalo jumpa. Then adalah satu hari, kteorng beborak psl transport. Dia ingt aku gi class naik bas. Aku ckp jln kaki je sbb mls nk tnggu bas. Lgipun bkn jauh sgt pun. Dia xcaya. Xcaya sudahlh. Entah tetbe selang bape ari, terserempak. Masa tu aku tgh nk lintas, dia lalu. Offer nk tumpang. First aku tolak. Second dan seterusnya, aku naik keta dia. Sbb lepas abis class, dia mesti tnggu aku kt luar. Aku ingt kalo aku saje lengah2 masa, dia blah. Tpi x. N ble aku cepat2 kluar, dia pun cepat2 kejar. Mmg xdpt elak lah kn. Xpelah. Rezeki. Hehe. Tetbe one day, dia ajak aku kluar late lunch. Since aku pun xmkn. Aku pun like why not kan. Masuk sem 2 dh xjumpa sbb xambik kelas cina dh. Tpi kdg2 dia tegur aku kt fb. Then sekrng ley lak sama kelas kesihatan mental. Since aku ngan coursemate aku, so dia xdelh tnye apa2. Kang tetbe aku ajak kwn2 aku join sekali, naya je. Tpi adalah tegur. Mommy pesan hidup tu jgn sombong sgt.

Npe encik saga?  Sbb dia bwak kte saga. NCE ****. Xingt actually.

Lpas jwb pertanyaan mommy. Mommy ckp,'tulah akak. jual mahal lgi. Jgn kasar2 sgt nnti laki lari'.

Mak aku nie dh knpe ckp bnde alah nie. Huh. Stress aku. Xpasal je kene label jual mahal n kasar.

Jual mahal tu xbetul. Sbb aku mmg xde perasaan kt dia. Aku anggap dia kwn je. Xlebih dri tu. Aku nie jenis yg kalo dh ske kt someone tu xdenyer nk jual2 mahal nie. Aku bwat jumbo sale terus. Aku bkn jenis yg tergedik2 ske tpi bwat xske. Jual mahal. Haktuihh.. Kalo aku xngaku kt orng laen aku xske dia tu, laen cte lah.. Tu maybe nk sembunyi2 kn. Tpi aku mmg jenis direct. Kalo x, xkn ler berani confess kt joe, akim, sharif n A.Y. Nmpk x staraight-forward dia. Haha.  N lagipun time tu aku letak harapan tnggi kt joe kn. Nie padah nyer. Tpi xmenyesal pun. Sbb..

a)if we meant to be, it meant to be kan?
b)dia orng negori, nenek dh reject awal2. Haha
c)nah.. we had non similarity.kot. apart from monster inc or cartoon.kot.

Bab kasar... Ye lately aku kasar. Aku ngaku bab tu cme dia xtnjuk sgt lah. But i always had this boyish side cme sejak darjah 6, n sejak rapat ngan elena, aku feminim sketlah. But it always there. Or maybe sbb my life is bitter, dh mls deal ngan shit people so aku jadilah heartless. Or maybe it just a self defense.. Hmm.. Byk maybe nie..

Kalo mommy tnye psl joe.. mcm mana lak nk jwb... nie kalah solaan kimia marin nie. haha.

Huh? Eh eh eh.. haha..