Being miserable and sad and mad is kinda my thing. And thinking about bad things make me much calmer and relax actually. I know it is weird. Who loves the pain anyway? But somehow pain makes me feel alive and appreciate for being alive.
So, bila suddenly i rasa mcm spark fly and happy and in love, i freak out. I rasa mcm something is goiing wrong, something bad is going to happen soon. Seriously, tak pleasant langsung rasa ni tau. Even though i start picturing all the bad things yg akan jadi but somehow the good things always came in a way. Like how joe muncul dlm mimpi i like everyday last week and i cant stop thinking of him, of him proposing, of us getting married. I mean whats wrong with me? Kenapa i bayang or berangan psl bnde tu semua? Its not going to happen any time soon or never going to happen. Yelah, belum tentu lagi dia jodoh i. We kinda busy with our lives right now. And i tak ready nk kahwin sekrng ni and the fact that sometime i rasa he deserve lots better and we just not meant to be together in the end. I know, insane right? The power of overthinking.
It was actually pleasant and not pleasant feeling happy. I tau i ckp be happy and im going to allow myself be happy but it just didnt work. I kinda love and stuck with pain now. I mean im happy. I really am. But i am much more happy with pain. Like kalo i bayang like joe bgitau i he found someone else and they end up married and i end up alone, it feels nice. Ok, jgn salah sangka ok. I like joe. I really really like him. Like u nk bukti apa lagi untuk i convince yg i betul2 ske joe. It just that im getting so used of the pain that i was more addicted to feel it and miss it when i didnt feel any of it. Happy just temporary but pain is permanent. Ughh.. Susah nk explain. Im complicated.
The thing is i love pain. But not the kind of hurting myself or abuse myself physically and left a bunch of hideous marks. Its the kind that pain that makes me hate everyone, people ruin my life and how i wanna get rid of people that i dislike for good. I just love pain and im trying to get used of this happy bubbly spark fly feeling. Im trying. Im not like i used to be. Bila i ingt diri i yg dlu. I miss her. She was so happy and she will be much more happy when she had these kind of thought. But not me, the new her. The new me is dark and cloudy. But i am trying.
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