This feeling

I had this kinda like a weird feeling/vision these past few days. I tak tau lah is it because i was kinda in depressed mode and the fact that i kinda untie most of connection i had with my closed ones. I like literally boleh go on silent phone i for quite a few days actually. And if let say ada a few miscall or text or whatsapp, i ignore most of it. I didnt return the call back and even text saying sorry for not pick up the call. Whatsapp and message pun memilih. Ada yg i ignore terus and ada yg i balas tapi lambat giler lah. Could take a few days. I tak tau lah nape sgt i mcm ni. Nak kata malas ye gak. But i just... entahlah... 

I ignore my person. Wlaupun technically dia buat group untuk plan yanie nyer wedding. So technically they are bunch of people dalam group tu yg boleh respond. I only respond when needed. Bukan i busy ke malas ke. It just i dont feel like i wanna say anything at all unless when needed like voting and paying. And i tau maybe fiqah kinda frustrated ngan perangai i ni mcm tak supporting and tak membantu langsung. Put in mind to apologize to her later. But i did respond well aritu sbb mood i kinda okay time tu. So lucky her. In fact lucky to those yg i respond right on time and answering the call even though i didnt save your number. Hahaha.. lols. 

Alright, the next weird feeling is that.. hurm.. it involve joe. I slalu like excited giler dapat text dari joe. Too much?? Okay.. excited giler tu nmpk mcm exhilarating sket. But i was happy. I smile. But this one i didnt. I mean i smile but i dont know if im happy or glad or whatever. I read pastu i biarkan. Malam sket kot baru i balas. Tapi ayat i simple and pastu i terus lupa psl bnde alah ni. Baru ni teringt balik. Then even dia sent i video dia gi cuti kt phuket tu, i just tgk sekali je. SEKALI JE?! This is like so not nasuha nadira. SERIOUSLY! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME????!!!!

Moving on to that weird feeling/vision... with all these messed up feeling, i start to question myself was my feeling towards joe change??? Pastu i like berangan if orng tnye i what if all this time i tunggu joe tapi at the end joe pilih orang lain... wanna know my answer??? hahaha

well, honestly of course i akan broken hearted giler hati hancur berkecai bersepai sepai patah seribu. then background music patah seribu akan dimainkan.. follow by someone like you.. and last but not least only love can hurt like this. but then lagu these days akan dimainkan untuk menunjukkan yg i nak move on and redha with everything... im happy for joe.. im happy he met someone that can make him happy and give things that i didnt give to him.. i am really happy even though im not the reason behind it and that it sucks for me.. lols.. but really.. what worries me is that what if one day he realize i was the one and he finally want to settle down with me but i just dont feel the same.. how can i respond to that and broke his heart when his happiness is my third important things in my life.. i mean i know deep down inside of me i still do love him.. it just im not sure if it is still the same reason and growing some more.. 

 

But whatever i is.. i just hope that this is weird things will only be temporary. And that when all this mood is over, i be head over heals on joe and anything that i used to love. But if let say it decide to stay.. i just hope that no matter what happen.. feeling i kat joe takkan hilang.. it will always remain there.. maybe not growing.. but still alive and the same.. 

Im losing it here

My motivation has bee drain this week. It getting worse each day. And i do am trying to survive. Each day i try to be positive that i can fucking do this. That i am strong enough to do this job. But then at the end of the day it all consume me and leads me to failure. The negative thought come linger inside of me and i try to wash it away. Acted like i was fine and happy with all of these when the truth is i am not fucking fine at all. 

Last monday we had our kick off. Makan makan, mingle around, telling about each other a little bit and sort out a plan for this year. And for once i know that i can do this. And later on Tuesday, had my training on how to use the apps and how to say it to client and convince them to buy our products. And that time also i am fucking sure i can do this. It is in my blood. But come yesterday, those thing have been suck out from me. And not to forget today. I spent my days in opening the jobstreet and applying any job. Not to mention i did open the selected company that provide me the desire job that i want and i apply it. See how desperate i am?

I also started to question about my life and decision that i make. I thought this year will be great but then it isnt. I know for the fact that im starting to sink in into those dark deep hole i used to love. But im trying to survive here. I do. I do not want to feel whatever dark feeling i had last year. I want to be better, to be good. I want this year to be better. But obviously January dislike me that much.

 

 

You know what i want right now. I want to break free. Like literally. I want to stop doing everything, anything and just take myself off, take a deep breath and reflect. That is what i wanna do. Did you know that my mom wants me to continue study in phd before umur i 30. Clearly there is like no marriage for me which is fine by me because well i dont think i end up with joe anyway. So whats the point anyway. Im better off being alone. But honestly i kinda lost here. I really dont know what im gonna do with my life. I dont even know my purpose of living here. Should have ended when i had a chance. But then part of me entahlah.. have common sense. Killing yourself will ultimately shut you off from ever going to heaven. So im trying to survive in this cruel cruel world. Maybe good things do take time. All i had to do is be positive and just be fucking patient with it. 

Unmoved

Its funny how those feeling makes you feel like it was the first time even though you have felt it so many time, you have been through this before. 

You've been madly in love with a person before and things end somehow. And then you met another person and you fall madly in love with them. And you started to say to yourself that is this what falling in love feels like. Okay maybe between those two person, they gave you different kind of sparks and vibe. But still, you fall in love and you falling apart. 

It same goes with break up. You've been hurt before. You remember crying so hard on the day that person left. You remember falling apart in the middle of night, reminiscing those memories, looking back into those sign of trouble. But then one day you wake up being a new person again, you move on. You missed that person but it was not the same. You accept that things happen for a reason. 

And now, you've gone through the same heartbreak but with a different kind of person. You cry , you falling apart, you having a flashback, you trying to make sense of things that happen. And you question yourself, how did you move on before, will you ever move on. And same like above, maybe those two different people give a different rush and adrenaline.

He was not my first love. He was not the person that mean so much to me before. But when he left, he leave a huge hole inside of me. A hole that i could not fit with anything. A hole that i fill with the things he likes. I kept remind myself i deserve better but my heart long for him. I tried to get myself up and get through each day. But when the night came in, i miss him more and i looked back to the memories of him and i. How did i move on before? How did i get through this before?

For awhile, i could feel myself disappear. I could feel that i am not the person i used to be. I remember being happy but i do not know who she was anymore. I felt so lost. I felt that everything and everyone is moving fast while i am still standing here, unmoved. Honesty, will i survive this?

Behind this mask

My emotion has been a roller coaster ride these day. I was fine, happy, positive and optimistic. I was talking too much and having this kind of energy that i could not explain. It was like i was invincible or something. But i felt super duper awesome like nothing could stop me. 

And then, here i was laying on my bed, thinking if i could survive in this world. I felt like i let everybody down. My mom, my dad, my bro, my person, my girls, my cats and even joe even though he is no longer in the picture. I felt like i was carry some burden on my shoulder and the weight, it slow me down somehow. I try to imagine the happy me, the one with evil laugh, the one that makes everyone around her happy and smile and laugh. But somehow that vision was a non vivid one. It was blurry and unclear. Like sometime i felt like i could picture her but it was not me. Like im picturing someone else in my body. I also felt like i lost in touch with lots and lots of things. 

I always thought that the reason of why i easily lost interest on something is because i am trying to try new things, discover myself. But the truth is that actually i was in love with the things that i do but i was losing interest in it. I remember that not long ago i was so in love in writing poems or lyrics. I even have a specific book to write all my thoughts in it. Change it into some songs or poems or anything that suited. But then i kinda stop it without apparent reason. Maybe because im losing my muse that it feels like i lost some touch. 

All this time, i thought that i was normal and the things i did was normal. Even though sometime i felt that i do am abnormal. I did not realize that my behavior is due to my mental illness. Yes. I suffer from bipolar disorder. I have depression and anxiety. It was hard for me to said it. But it is the whole truth. It's explain why sometime i do have a meltdown and all this negative energy. I think i did wrote it quite a few times. I do not know what happen and what trigger it but sometime i do having it. Sometime i thought i was because of my period but no, i am just like that sometime. 

I know i should seek some help. And sometime i do feel like wanted to waste my money on therapy. But im not coming from a rich family so i need to be independent in finding a cure that suitable for me. So over a few year, i experiment on what is good for me and what is not. I push myself to be the very best that i could. I never push myself to the limit because i know when we reach the limit, i would break. Whenever i felt like i am having a break down,  i let myself sleep a lot because i found that sleep helps me a lot to shutting down my brain. Some of the days, i had a hard time to sleep. So what i did is just let me calm by hearing music. I let myself having some space and alone time.I know that some people said that it was not good to leave this kind of people alone but for me, i know that i would get myself up again. I just need to catch a breath and took my time.

Due to this illness, i felt like i am really am better off being alone because i do not think no one would even understand this. No one would know how to handle me when i am in this low. Most of them gave up/ Most of them just leave me. So, at the end, i need to be my own hero. I need to save myself. Of course i had my family and friends around me that love me, that accept me for who i am. But sometime one of those day, i felt alone and all i ever had was me. I need to depend on myself in picking the pieces, in picking myself up. For now, i felt like i was better off on my own. No one would get me. No one would stay. So i save myself from any heart break.

Honestly, i never told anyone about this. When joe mention about his problem that he would explain it to me later which i kinda hope he would not. Because the thing is i know i would get involve. The minute he told me the problem, i would google it and try to understand and even search on how to handle this kind of people with this kinda of problem. I would definitely get myself involve. I had enough on my plate now. I do not need him as my side dish. But sometime i do feel like i need to open up this to people. I still am thinking that i should come clean with joe if he still want us to work things out. But i do not know if he is strong enough to handle this. And i do not know if i was capable in handling this disappointment if he decide to go. I really really dont know what to do.

So, yeah, instead of blurring this thing out to joe. I decided to tell everything in here. Let everyone know how screw up i really was. But i hope that one day i had a courage to tell him everything. And even so i hope i met someone that would understand me and accept me who i am. Thats all i ever asked for. That is all.

The winner takes it all

I feel like the universe is punish me for something. Because somehow the universe just smack me down whenever i am ready to move on, somehow the universe was like, 'no girl, it is not your time to move on'. Everytime. I do meant it everytime. 

I sent that text to joe yesterday and i block him afterwards. Just like i plan. I did what i said. And i feel fine. Like kalo dia balas pun, confirm ahh i tak dapat kn. So i just whatever. Im move on. I even said im ready to move on on my post yesterday. I was ready to move on and let go.

I was fine until i received a call last night. At first i didnt pick up because that number was so familiar. I felt like it was him. So lepas he hang up. I re check the number. Seems similar tpi ada few numbers in it yg different. The i text fiqah asking her if she called me using someone else phone. And she said she didnt. Then the number came up again. So second time must be urgent kan. Sbb eager sgt call kali kedua. Masa tu i fkir maybe one of my classmate call i sbb nk tnye bila i balik kl maybe sbb  nk tumpang ke apa ke. So i just pick up. Masa tu mg tak fkir it was joe. Yelah dlu pun masa dia call i and i tak angkat. Sekali tu je dia call. Takde pun try again. So maybe it wasnt him.

But it was him.. I bila dgr suara lelaki je, i was like, ok bukan classmate i sbb classmate i semua pompuan. Then the name. Satu satu nyer makhluk yg boleh ter silap nama i, change it from Nasuha Nadira to Nadira Nasuha, hanya joe. He is the only guy who always seems like messed up with name. Because he called me Nadira instead of Nasuha like any of my other friend. So i assume dia mesti ingt nadira tu first name. But for him to remember my name was quite impressive sebabnya i takde facebook and i block him on twitter and unfriend him in instagram. And the only social media yg dia slalu bukak pun facebook. So kau rasa??? 

We talked a lot last night. And i didnt realize how fast the time is, or how long we talked. To be honest i rasa mcm i borak ngan dia like half and hour je. But actually. Almost 2 hour gaklah sbb i miss watching JDT lawan Penang semlam. I literally tak tgk pun bola semlam. He called me on the minute JDT got their first goal. And i ingt baru half time bila i habis ckp ngan joe. Tpi bila i masuk bilik my parents tok tgk bola. Dh habis dh pun. Dorng tgh ckp2 and review and temu bual. I mean what the heck. Bapak lama i borak. Patut lah my mom cari i. 

And when my mom asked who was calling me and i told her that it was joe. My mom was like so happy. Like her face nampak giler happy. And i was like im the one who should be happy. Im the one who had those emotion yg my mom tunjuk. But i didnt. I dont know what i feel actually. I feel numb. Or maybe i was happy but too ego to even showed it. I dont know. I really dont. And bila i cite kt fiqah. She seems happy and tak habis2 kene kn i. Seriously i should have those emotion that both of them had. But i didnt. At that time i rasa mcm nk gi somewhere and jerit. I feel like i wanna scream. I wanna have a very good scream. But now all i feel was i wanna cry. I rasa mcm i nk tgk all those death scene in greys anatomy and have a good cry. 

I was mad at him. I really was. And i didnt expect him to call me. Dahlah gne number lain. Sbb number dia yg tu i dh block. But still, i didnt expect it. Masa berckp semlm pun,i was like so cold, so sarcastic and i say whatever i wanna said. Especially part dia lupe bday i and lpe nk call i when he said he would and how he didnt even said anything, not even a sorry after that day he was suppose to call me. I was mad. I was furious. And somehow he prepared himself. He knows that i was mad at him. He was so patience on me.

He shouldnt call me. He should leave. Why did he came back. Why cant he just reply text tu and thats it. Or why he call me again lepas i tak angkat. He should call me once. He shouldnt come back. The worst part of it all was i feel like i talked to a different person. I feel like i talked to the old him. And i hate it. I hate it because everything came rushing back. Everything that i want to erase. Everything that i want to forget. He started talked about how long we knew each other and the things we used to do. And now he was like trying to fix thing between us. He want to act he care about me, about us. Why joe? Why now? Why cant you just leave. Just leave. Just let me go and move on. Because im done and i lose all my hope and faith on you. I do.

I dont wanna talk about things we gone through. Though it hurting me but now it is history. I done all i can and i know you too. But now nothing more to say and nothing more we can do. We were once so happy and i thought you were the one. So i attach myself to you. But i was a fool to let my guards down for you. Somewhere deep inside, you must know that i miss you. But what can i say, we just not meant to be. I dont wanna talk because it make me feel sad. I understand that maybe this is the last time. I apologize if it makes you feel bad seeing me so tense and furious. But you take everything and i have nothing to gave you anymore. Im done.. The winner do takes it all.

Just another meltdown

I realize that there was a day when i would like to do nothing and just lay on my bed and staring on the ceiling or walls. I dont know whats going on inside my head but i do know that it was full of overthinking and anxiety. The music on the background was just giving some melodramatic on the situation. It didnt usually happen for so long. Probably it lasted for 2 or 3 days. Depends on how i handle it. During these time, i cant pretend that i was happy. I cant even make myself happy. I try but it just seems like i force it and then i will make it worse. I just had to somehow deal with it and just go with the flow.

Just last week, im having it. I know there was something wrong with me when i didnt do the things that i do. I was more to laying on my bed kt rumah sewa i ni, and staring at the ceiling and thinking and kept on wandering. I feel like there are some hollow inside of me that dying to be fill up with. I feel like im giving up somehow. All i ever did was sleep that day. Sleep was like the only cure i had for now. Sleep is the only way i could escape myself from this horrible nightmare. 

I feel the  need to have a good cry but i could not cry if it was for something silly or for some guys who didnt appreciate me. I need a good cry to let everything out, to make me feels better again.vI desperately need to cry but i cant. I tak tau lah sama ada i turn myself to cold hearted or im dead inside that sometime it seems like i was a heartless and emotionless person smpai nak nangis pun susah. Or just an ego maniac that i force myself not to cry so i wont feel weak. Because cry is a sign of weakness somehow. But actually it doesnt. It was also a strength where you feel stronger after you cry coz you let it out after long of hold it up inside of you. 

So how can i make myself cry? 

Self hurting?

Nope.

I watch a few death scene or almost death scene in grey's anatomy. Sebab tu i kene ada all the episode, all the season of grey's inside my hard drive and laptop in case im having another melt down like right now. 

So today i spent like..  i dont know.. 5 or 6 hours of repeatedly death scene and i cant stop crying. I stop until i feel tired and enough. Funnily wlaupun i tgh tgk death scene, i am actually having some flashback of good memories before it turn out bad. So yeah, i start with meredith bomb episode, meredith drowning episode then the gunshot scene, henry death, the plane crush scene, the mark sloan death, derek death and meredith attacked scene. Yep. i watch all those scene and cry and cry and cry.. 

And now im feeling better. For now im feeling better. It just another melt down. Thats all. I need to get out more i think. I need to do something to make me feels better, to make me face less and less of this break down. I will find a way later. I will.

She's long gone

I miss the old me. I miss how i can smile to anyone that i met on street, to anyone that i barely know. I was just so happy, so full of life. I was this miss happy go lucky. I miss how friendly i can be. But now.. now im totally opposite. I am smiling but im not sincerely smile. I walk with my head look down so i dont have to see others' faces and feel the need to smile at them. I pretend to be happy when i was so broken inside. I feel like i was dark and cloudy. But i was pretending that i was full of sunshine or whatever. I fake it. I wear my fake happy mask. Until i dont know who i was anymore. Until i lose myself. Until i couldnt take off this mask anymore. As if it was part of me. As if it was parasite that sucked every good things in me. I couldnt take it off.

I miss the old me. Where did she go? 

I wanna be happy again. I really do. But it was like a curse u know. Or maybe u just cant fix whats already broken. I was falling apart. I was. Im tired of being sad and miserable. Life too short for sorrow. I know i never gonna get the old me again. She's long gone. But i do know that im done with this shit. I wanna be happy. So i am allowing myself to be happy. I am allowing myself to feel every emotion that ever exist in the human nature. I am allowing myself to be happy again. And try to take off this mask. And be happy for real this time. Who knows she will come back again. Who knows kn? 

Npe tebe ckp psl bnde alah ni? Xtau lah. Ada kene mengene gak ngan Grey's Anatomy yg i layan like almost everyday. But im not gonna talk about it in this post. Probably next post. Maybe. Oh, npe tetbe ckp psl bnde alah ini? Ntah... sbb tetbe tdi tgh borak ngan chang.. oh yeah.. sbb i xabis2 hntr emoticon pig kt dia. Spae sruh sakat orng. N he was like 'apa jadi dgn su ni. Su x mcm ni dlu. Npe npe'. And i was like, 'kau bkn kenal or tau aku dlu mcm mne pun.' And he said 'mmg xkenal sgt tpi rasanya dia xde lah mcm ni.' I ckplah 'people change. nothing to be surprise with.' And he was like 'why change like this? where the old su.' And im being honest, i told him that 'she's gone or she grown up.' And dia ley lak tetbe gedik gle, balas, 'i want to see her. i really want. please. go and find her.' Amboi amboi.. So i ckp jelah, 'but does she want to see you, thats the question.' Then i convince balik yg 'she's long gone. Dont know where she go. Cant find her anymore.' Tetbe je, dia balas, 'she refuse, its ok. i just see her at long distance.' And i know he wasnt talking about me i think. And beside we just playing english to improve his english. But last thing he said was 'find her, try as u can.'

But thats the thing u know. U cant just find her. She's long gone. Dont u get it. I miss her but there is really nothing i could do. Except trying to be happy once again. Thats the 1st step. Maybe slowly she would come back. 

PENDAM

Lately aku realize aku byk pendam perasaan instead of showing my real emotion. Dlu aku bkn mcm ni kot. I think masa matriks and sklh dlu, aku akan tnjuk emotion aku. Like ble aku marah or xde mood or just wanna cry, i just show it. But not anymore. How did i change? Sejak aku depress dlu ke? Boleh jadi. Ke sejak msuk U ni ha? Mungkin.. Anything possible. Serious kot. I remember lagi Dila ada ckp,  aishah dh prnh nmpk suha mrah ke? N i ckp blum. And she was like, nnti dia tgk  lah. And i just laughed it out. But then ble tnye Aishah, she said she never see me mad. I pun rasa mcm tu. Like ble i mmg xpuas hati or mad or i just mmg xde mood that time, all i did was pretend that i was ok. I put my happy face, i smile, i laugh my usual laugh. Mcm xde pape berlaku. As if everything was fine. When inside i was falling apart. Or when the fact when im alone, i was dying.

Tpi bkn senang tau nk pretend yg kau ok, yg kau strong, yg everything was okay when nothing feels right. It takes lot of muscle to fake a smile and laugh. Maybe sbb tu non of my classmate ever see me mad or cry or just having an emotional break down. To be really honest, im not really that strong. Im just pretending that i was strong. Sbb senang. Xde sape akan dok tnye kau ok x? Even if it meant well. But sometime i feel annoyed and it feels like people just wanted to know only. Being nosy and all. Sbb tu i lbih ske diam and pretend yg i ok, happy go luck n apa2 yg positive lh. And thats why i pendam everything inside. Alhamdulilah, all this time i still got everything under control. Lava i xpernah meletus lgi. Mungkin dh jadi atoll kot. Ceh, ni semua pengaruh lagu 'i lava you' tuu. Masih xley move on dri lagu tu lgi. Huwaa..

I tau fakers gle kan? Tpi serious, it was better that way. It was easy actually. Mmg lah mcm fake gle tpi sometime tak semua orng patut tau kisah hidup kau or apa yg kau rasa. Sometime there are things better off unsaid. And beside i was happy that way. I getting use of it. Mungkin i ada trust issue gak kot. Maigot. I am such a mess up person. Tpi tulah. I lbih ske pendam. Pendam everything. Selagi mampu i pendam. Cme i xtau smpai ble i bley tahan. Smpai ble i boleh pendam. N will one day i will burst my lava or i stayed atoll and stayed sinking in the deepest sea? Im tired with everything. I stop care of what people say or think. Hell, i dont fucking care of people's feeling anymore. But i am trying to keep myself together. To hold on while i can. To just be strong and keep finding my inner strength.

Different

I wish sometime i was different. In a lot kind of way. I wish i was born truly fearless. Like i could do whatever i want without getting afraid. Of course being nervous n all was there, but i keep myself together and just go with it. Just do it. I wish i was born pretty and skinny and flawless and brainy. I wish i was born perfect eventhough u know no one is perfect. Nothing is perfect in this world. Perfect wasnt exist. I wish i was the type of person who just never were camera shy and that camera love me. I wish i was that person who just didnt fucking care what other people was saying and just play by her rules. A leader, never was a follower. I wish a lot of things. I wish to be different.

I wish to be different and i try to be different. But that really wasnt me. It didnt feel right. It never was. And the worst of it all, was that i am starting to lose myself. I cant hold on to anything. Coz everything i touch keep on breaking. Im drowning slowly. Im a good swimmer and i try so fucking hard to save myself, to not drowning. But at some point, i feel like whats the point? I never was good enough. And im slowly disappear and no one will ever notice if i gone. 

This wasnt a suicide note or whatsoever. And this wasnt me being depressed. This is me letting my guards down and pour everything out. To be really honest, i dont know what i want in my life anymore. And it scare the hell outta me. Im losing myself and im losing faith. I wanna be different but it feels wasnt right. And now im thinking im losing my mind. What is wrong with me. Is it bcoz of the sickness and tiredness that i feel. Or is it bcoz im thinking too much?

 

Ruang

Sometime we need some space to figure it out, to rethink. Or just some space to be alone or whatsoever. Lately ni aku byk menyendiri. Bkn sbb depress ke apa. Cuma aku perlukn ruang. But in order to be that, i push some people away from my life. I xtau lah untuk kebaikan ke x. But for now, i just feel fine. So okay lah kot. I mean dorng pun xde cari i ke apa. So i did the right thing kn. Eliminate those who not right in your life. Letting go. Kn?

I've been doing lots of thinking lately. Ingt x masa i ckp yg feeling i kt joe dh fading away tu. Well, it was kinda true. I mean i xrasa pape kot ble kteorng borak. I didnt feel the happiness nor the excitement when we talked. But somehow i still love talked about him. And i still laugh and smile when i think or talk about him to other people. I still feel that happiness. Pelik kn? Maybe he just a good memories that i hold on. Yelah, sometime i realize i talked about him as if he no longer in my life. That he just exist in my mind or in my memory. 

I kept him lock inside my heart for a very very long time. Form 4 smpai sekrng bkn masa yg sgt singkat ok. Funny, kteorng dh berkawan sejak form 1. But the feeling only come afterwards. And it was intense. Mcm yg laen ckp. Kteorng mcm maen tarik tali. Dua2 xnk ngaku. We just keep on flirt until he was almost confess. I got cold feet. Sbb tu i get back ngan ashraf. And i tau i hurt joe's feeling. But that time i just xnk lose kwn baik i je. I xregret making that mistake, running away. Maybe it just suppose to be that way. And as time goes by, i still keep that feeling with me. He doesnt ever need to know. Until of course i realize that. I gotta set him free. I gotta let him go. I gotta let him be happy with someone else eventhough that someone else wasnt me. 

Sbb tu i perlukn ruang. Rasa berat but it just something i gotta do. I should do it long time ago. Tpi tulah. Cinta itu buta. And now i got my sane back. I think i will be alright.

They ask me, what if i was wrong? What if this was a mistake? And i say, whatever meant to be, meant to be. If not, i know Allah dh set from the top whats the best for me. :) I put my trust and everything in Allah's hand. Redha with everything and believe that it happen for a reason.

The old you

Lately, I love to bring myself to the past. Looking to the good and bad memory. Recall each one of it. Look through all those photo. Remembering all those good time even if its not that great. Yah, tah pape kn. But thats what i am. Sometime i could look through the old memories and photos for few hours. Guess i'm a classic vintage type of person anyway.

I miss the old me. I miss her. She look so happy and she had a happy life. Surround herself with people whom she loves and people who love her. Her smile so pure, her laugh so real. Im not saying that the new her was full with sadness and bullshit. But part of it was true. People change and those who were heartless was once care too much. I realize that now i am no longer with people who i was once close with, who i anggap like my family and friends. And sometime my laugh was just to shut the sadness away and my smile was mostly fake. But mostly toward those who i dislike and dont forget the roll eyes. It is not complete with fake smile. And i mostly had some sense of style and just dont fucking care what people say or think of me. But now, i dont fucking care what i wear. Mostly i just too lazy to play the dress up, the make up. I just wear the 'lazy clothes'. Bapak malas gila. But i do still had that i-fucking-dont-care-what-you-think-of-me attitude, but somehow deep inside me i do fucking care. Maybe i've been surrounding myself with negative people who love to tease you and bring u down. Well, that was fucking truth because i had a few names of people who was so mean like a bitch even if they were a guy. And i love to swear a lot now. Not that i didnt swear in my old days. 

Maybe this was it. As you grew up, u had hard time on trusting people and your circle getting smaller and smaller because you cut those who just not fit in ur life whether they an asshole or just too boring. Either way. And you talk carefully so u wont get too comfortable/attached with them cause you know that one day they will leave you backstabber or just that it was their time to go. You know what important in your life whether it was a life goal, people or things. And of course, you realize that life is way too short for being sad, regret and depress. Eventhough i've been on those 3. So you start to live your life to the fullest, go travel, see the world, making new friends, laugh smile and fall in love. Just live your life the way you want, the way it should be. 

I guess thats why i change, Thats why i convert myself from the old happy me to the new cooler me. Hehe.. Perasan. And yeah i did lot of mistake back then. Banyak sgt. But i guess thats what make me who i am today. I never feel regret any of it. Wait, there was one and i feel really or not really sorry. But i do feel sgt2 guilty and so wrong and full with regret for meeting this one person who named i rather not saying. But i do regret met you eventhough you were nice and kind and everything a girl dream having in prince charming.  Cliche cliche. But i am ashamedly feeling regret. Everytime i think about those memories i have with him, all i feel was regret. He never broke my heart. In fact i did.  I pun xtau nape i rasa mcm tu. Pelik pelik.

One of my course mate, Yanie always said that i was a positive girl. I dont know about that and i dont know if i should agree with her or not. But i do know that sometime i could be negative. And the fact that i had this positive attitude because i just dont fucking care and i am too lazy. Serious. And thats my secret to be positive. Ignore the noise and always listen to your heart eventhough she/he was wrong sometime. Oh, npe she/he? Well, i call my heart 'she' bcoz if i like a guy and my heart is 'he', doesnt that mean my heart is a gay? Haha.. i being ridiculous. :D

“My heart currently resembles the ashes of my cigarettes.”

—	Virginia Woolf

(not that i ever smoke in my whole life. gila. kang xpasal kene halau ngan mommy n abah. it was a hiperbola of mixture of happiness broken-hearted. i guess)

And if there ever a time-machine built, there were nothing i want to change except meeting that person. But i guess if i change that, the rest will change too. Didnt you see Project Almanac? Best sick lesson-could-be-learnt movie. So thanks but no thanks, I think im good this way. Im exactly where i should be. This is real, this is me. This is the real me. The new me who was somehow imperfect in every way but i love her and proud of her. And it was okay to look back to the old times, the old you. But never regret any of it, just smile and laugh, It was a good times even that time it was not. Be happy. Always.

Eventhought that sometime i do miss the old me. But i kinda like the new me. She such a bad-ass person who do things she wanna do. And beside, i did cross a few things in my bucket list. So, yeah, i love the new me. 

Fragile

“we hide behind a fakeSMILE to mask the pain but sometimes we wish someone would look closely enough and see how broken we really are inside”

—

(via wsabe) Kadang kadang tu kita ingt kita ni kuat mcm iron man tpi hakikatnya we pretty fragile and vulnerable inside. But somehow we pretend that we were okay, that nothing was wrong. We played the happy-go-lucky-person type of role in front of people and curled up crying in darkness.  I was an over-thinking freak. I was always do. Its kind of habit or my thing actually. And these past few days had been hard. Bkn sbb assignment berlambak. Well, that was one thing. But i dont really that mind. My fault for being procrastinate. Tpi ada gak a few assignment, group assignment to be specific which kalo dlm contrast dia, do in group, teamwork or whatever. Tpi apa jadi, haram jadah semua campak aku. Mmg aku ketua tpi xley semua nk aku yg buat. Mcm tu baik buat individu je which i pretty much ok with it. Sbb yg penat aku, bukan kau wahai hamba Allah. Pastu aku ler yg nk kene fikir apa yg nk kene siap, mcm mana nk buat. Kau ingt aku xde kerja lain ha? Im so tired with these kind of people. Ya, mungkin kau nmpk aku diam, ikut je kehendak kau. But to be really honest, once i blow out, you wont see me as the same person anymore. Eh, aku malas lyg species homosapien mcm kau ni tau. And thats why all you see is me ignoring every shit of you. Penat. Im so tired with people, the kind of people like you.  Semoga kau berubah. And semoga Allah tabah and sabar kn hati aku ni. Bape minggu je lagi. Kuat lah wahai hati, And i thought of not going home for this week but seeing me so intense and all, make me change my mind. I dont want to face another episode of depression. So lbih baik aku balik rumah, surround myself with lovely and happy people dripada aku mereput dlm bilik ni, tgk dinding yg pucat sbb dia pun xsanggup tgk aku lagi. Kang lgi depress aku dduk kt sini. Home is all i needed wlaupun kalo aku dduk ukm ni pun, coursemates aku nk kluar n aku ley je ikut dorng sbb dorng mmg ajak pun. It just that, depression make you an anti-social person and lebih ske ke arah menyendiri. Sbb tu kalo dduk kt ukm ni pun, aku bkn bwatpe pun selain mengenang nasib je. Huehue. But it feel a relieve a bit ble tdi dpt luahkn perasaan kt the girls. Nadia pling memahami sbb prnh mengalami nyer. I baru seru2 nama mai tdi kt twitter sbb masa kt matriks dlu, i always with her. Any kind of problem she or me facing, a hug cure everything a bit when the the mouth just lost all the words. And to be honest, i really need a hug right now. It will be so much better and i want maicawah. Get well soon syg.. i sruh fawah jaga u baik2.. dia je yg pling dekat dgn u bwat masa nie.  And to be honest it feel nice actually to be surrounded with friends who can cheer you up and who can make you forget the chaos in your mind

Walking Alone

Somehow i find peace when i was walking alone. Lost in thought. Lost in the beauty of nature. Lost somewhere. Aku saja balik rumah aritu naik train. And i really do love it actually. Listen to some song just get some mood and just walk, ignoring others. Ada je yg pndang2 as if aku ni kes lari rumah. Haha. I hope so. But i was going back home actually. Tpi yg pling best in this journey was that i imagine myself going somewhere far, far from home, somewhere i dont know where yet but i willing to figure it out. Maybe when we reach 20 n above, we just like to do things alone., being alone. It was as if we are looking for our true self or get to know of our own self. Maybe. Teori aku je lah kn. Tpi teori ni work ok on mai then farah and now me and i wonder who's next.

Mungkin lepas ni aku nk backpacking lak, alone with camera to capture a few moments, trying new things or culture or food (lols). Insyallah.

It feels good u know.. to be alone. To spending time with yourself. To have a 'me time' while it last. Life is short and i dont know how long will i be in this world, so i want to enjoy every moment and appreciate those little things and people who i love, and those who were around me.

Turning Point

Aku rasa dlm kehidupan ni, semua orng akan alami turning point di mana ia akan menguji tahap mentaliti kita. And that time kita akan sgt alone. It was like u were alone even in the crowded room. And masa tu mmg rasa mcm xde sapa yg bley bantu kita kecuali diri kita sendiri. Kita yg kene hadapi. Kita yg kene cari solution. Dan kita lh yg kene pick up diri kita yg fragile and broken nie. Kita yg kene bangkit. Be strong and fight this. And this is where we start to be mature, to change the way we sees things.

Semlm aku lepak ngan dila. Mcm2 gak lah kteorng borak. Smpai lah kteorng borak all those thing that happen last year, 2014.

2014 was the year where aku and dila, masing2 alami turning point. Aku pun xsangka dia pun alami gak. Ingt aku sorng je. Serious dowh. Masa dia ctetu. I was like Ya Allah, aku pun alami bende sama kot tahun tu. And so she told hers and i told mine. Cme kat sini xperlu lah nk cte detail sgt kn.

Last year was like the worst year ever. Serious. Smue nyer start drpd aku gduh ngan joe, kinda breakup so-called, pastu dgn nenek sakit n perangai sekor2 mula tunjuk taring. Aku alami depression kot tahun tu. And i am not making up story. This is the true story.

Tau x simptom utama orng depress apa? Suka menyendiri. Ye, itu aku untuk beberapa bulan tu. Aku ske menyendiri. Most of the time aku akan off fon. Atau aku akan silent kn group2 whatsapp smue. Dan aku ske menyendiri. Yg paling teruk ble aku dh xlalu nk mkn. Aku lgi ske menyendiri, baring kt katil tu, dgr smue lagu sedih, pastu nangis. Ye, itu aku masa itu. Parents aku pun nmpk perubahan aku. Sbb aku tolak smue mknan favourite aku. Aku xde selera lngsung nk mkn. Aku xnk keluar. Aku nk menyendiri je. I shut myself out. Of course they worried and they try to help me. Asking whats wrong and all. Tpi mestilah aku ckp aku okay. Ble sem dh start and aku blik ukm. Lgilah teruk. Sbb wlaupun ada roomate tpi xde orng ble tgk2 kn aku smue mcm kt rumah. Aku mmg kuat menyendirilah. Xbyk ckp mcm selalu. I spent a lot of my time lay on my bed, do nothing and cry at night. Roomate aku pun nmpk perubahan aku. Masa tu aku rasa mcm untuk hilangkn sakit nie baik mati je lh. Tpi sebaiklh iman aku nie kuat lgi, akal aku masih panjang. Kalo x aku xde lagi dh kt dunia nie. Aku pernah gak tfikir nk merokok tok ilang rasa sakit. Tpi aku xbwat smue tu. Tu bukan cara dia. It just didnt feel right to do all of this just to erase all the pain that cant be erase. Aku ada ramai kwn n aku bley je cte kt dorng tpi aku rasa beban and yeah i wanna be alone.

Pastu aku dpt wake up call. Aku xbley hidup mcm nie. Aku kene bangkit. Aku kene kuat hadapi bende ni smue. And all this time i was looking on the false path. Aku bkn perlukn seseorng. Aku hanya perlukn DIA. DIA yg sentiasa ada bersama hambanya. DIA yg selalu dgr semua rintihan aku, yg selalu perhatikn gerak geri aku. Allah is a great listener. Aku hanya perlu kembali ke jalan DIA. Mungkin selalma ni aku lalai dgn kehidupan di dunia. Mungkin aku dah semakin jauh dri DIA. Mungkin sbb tu DIA turunkn ujian untuk aku. Supaya aku dekatkn diri aku blik kt DIA. Dan alhamdulilah, sekrng nie aku rasa lebih tenang dan redha dengan segala ketentuan DIA. Then borak ngan Dila semlm. Dila ckp sebenarya jiwa and rohani kita ni yang kosong. Betul lh tu apa dia ckp. Alhamdulilah. My life been better.  Tpi mestilah ada masa tu ada down gak smue tu. But i think positive. And i be okay. :)

 

Tpi aku xsangka yg most of my story akan2 sama ngan dila. Mungkin sbb tu aku selesa borak ngan dia. Sbb dia pun alaminya, dia akan fhm. Depression tu aku n dila mmg lalui tpi mungkin penyebab dia laen. But we both lose someone we love, a best friend. Kteorng xfall pada orng yg sama ye. I met him. Dia sama ngan matriks aku dulu. And dila never met joe. He exist only in my story now. Aku bkn delusion ok. Family aku smue dh jumpa joe. And i met his. Tpi sekrng nie dia nk berubah. Dan mungkin aku pun perlu berubah. Ke arah kebaikan lah of course. Kteorng xpernah declare pape maybe sbb dua2 rasa its not a right time. Aku rasa bende tu actually sbb tu aku xkisah, aku xpaksa. Aku pun rasa belum tiba masanya lagi. For now i need him to focus in his change, in his life, his goal. And i need to focus in mine. Kalo ada jodoh, adalah kn. Kalo xde, aku percaya Allah dah set from the top yg lebih baik untk aku. Insyallah.

Beautiful tragic

To be honest i never thought that the friendship that i had, that i try so hard to keep it, just came to an end. Just like that. I try to make myself feel better. I told myself that no distance can destroy our friendship. Of course we both busy with our lives but once we talked or see each other, everything fall like it used to be. But who am i kidding? It never did. I try to compare the friendship that i had with the girls or any friends of mine with you. But it was different. Eventhough the girls and i study in different place and we rarely see each other like we use to back in school. But somehow everytime that i talked to them whether call or just texting or we go meet up somewhere, all those time we separate just disappeared. It was as if we always see each other just like we in high school all over again. Nothing awkward and nothing change. But with you. It feels different. It feels like we're a stranger that just meet for the first time. There are similarities but most of it was blurring.

I miss those times when we never run out of things to say. I miss how comfortable and safe i feel whenever i talked to you. I miss how i could be my own self when im with you. I miss how happy and those bubbly feeling i felt when im around you I miss the late night deeper conversation. What happen? What really happen? I try to question myself and find something to blame. But all i end up was blaming the time and the question left un answer. I try to hold a little bit longer. Try to fight any doubt or thoughts that running around my mind. But you seem so far away and you keep on running. And i guess i get used of you not being around, of you ignoring me. So i stop trying and just let go. And its true i will never meet anyone like you but i was glad that i got a chance to know you and all the memories i had about you even though what we had was a sad beautiful tragic. 

So i guess thats why i was mesmerized with this poem. It relate to me and i am lost in those beautiful words.

Cannot be replaced

Remember when we were kid and we lost our precious toys whether its a teddy bear or favorite toy car. And our parents will bought us the new one to replace it. And even if its not the same. You were so happy to have it and forget the old one. But we were talking about the non living things here. Maybe it was the age, the mentality. Yelh. Time kecik mana fikir apa2 sgt. Nangis ble something broken or hilang. But happy ble dpt yg baru. And even if its a living thing, we didnt really remember. We easily forget. I guess. We were so little that time.

But thats not my whole point.
So just forget about it.

I know it was so soon and it wasnt that i wanted to forget her or replacing her. Fyi, she will never be replace. She was my everything and the very 1st love as i like to call. But well, kwn my mom i just give us new kittens. Yep. Kittens with the 's'. I got 3 kittens. Actually we just want 2, one female and the other is male. But since the owner ckp kesian tgk yg male tu tpisah ngan adik kandung dia, he just give us 3. So now 2 male and 1 female lh. Porak peranda lh umah aku. Haha.. But since they were little and not get along, we rarely bwak dorng kluar. Dorng mostly dduk dlm cage. Unlike nancy. Yg bley gi mana2 je sesuka hati dia. I miss her though.

To be honest, even with the new one around, i still miss her. I still feel her around me. I still feel she was there, do things she do and watching me. And i still cry. Even now. I still look at her picture and cry. I miss her. I miss everything about her. I wish i could turn back the time. I wish i could save her. I wish a lot of things. But i know what past is past. I couldnt change it. I couldnt go back. I just had to simply accept qada' n qadar. Redha with everything that has been writtin.

 Okay nasuha stop.

Sorry. Got carry away.
Anyway, the new one x diambik gmbr lgi sbb mmg ske blari. Kecik lgi kn. So phm2 lh. 

Till again.

Be Happy

I thought i delete this blog. But i didnt. How silly i am.. Haha.. Nmpk sgt hati tgh haru tu and emotional yg xmenentu. Haha.. So, yeah i back on track. And just start where i pause. So, let me update things that happen the last few.. days.. or weeks.. it cant be month right? Okay whatever..

Okay.. aritukn i sgt down. I shut everybody out. Seriously. Including the girls. And i guess smpai i tmimpi yg i tdelete this blog kot. How weird. Then it hit me that i shouldnt be like this. I shouldnt act like this. So i do what i have to do. I turn back to farah. I dont know why but among the girls, i rasa sgt comfortable cte everything ngan farah. Mohon yg laen jgn terasa. And yeah farah marah. But she was right though. This was not healthy at all. Tpi i rasa relieve sgt lepas luahkn everything kt dia. Somehow i forgot how it feels like to talk to someone who truly understand it. Thanks farah for everything. Owh yeah.. she told me to be open. Bcoz thats how she found her happiness despite everything that happen. So i tried to. Little by little. Baby step.

I started with Azmil. Sbb dh lama gila xborak ngan dia. I tau dia busy and all that. But i also know how happy he was with someone he likes. And i am happy for him. I do. I told him that. And he be a sweetheart by calling me bestfriend and wishes  i found a best man in future. Amin. Insyallah. But it really touch me though. Looking back kn.. it was like we lose someone but there will be someone else came aong. Life is full of surprise.

Then, borak ngan dila.. ajak dating jumaat aritu. Sejak sem 1 nk jumpa baru sekrng dpt. Rindu kot. And since roomate i blik, i ajak dia sleepover sekali. Serious tingt masa kt kmj ngan mai dlu. Cme ngan mai lebih romantik lh sbb dia ngada nk tdo sebelah i gak.. haha.. sebaik dia kecil. so muat ler satu single bed tu. Mcm2 hal lah borak. Everything. Gossip psl.. well, mostly bdk2 kmj. Classmate i, classmate dia. The girls, dia nyer bestfriend. Joe n pacak.. Hmm. yep everything. Pastu lyn cte frozen. Kul 3 lbih gak lah tdo. Bgun esok jgn ckp. Mmg lmbt. Mmg tbabas subuh aku. Then bgun2 borak lagi.. But this time mcm heart to heart session. Slalu tgh2 mlm tau. Nie tgh ari. Haha.. Then gi kuo shopping2 mknan. Smbung tgk movie n tdo.. Mlm kluar dinner ngan my parents. Then i sorng2 dlm bilik lagi.

But it was fun. Dh lama kot xbuat bnde2 nie smue. Masa kt kmj dlu dlm seminggu dua adalah buat heart to heart session. It was just a session where we pour everything we felt xspecially about someone who we likes, crushes.. Nama pun heart to heart kn.. Its all about love. To be honest i jealous sketlh ngan dila n pacak. But i also happy for them. Dila is my friend and maybe this just her path. While mine, obviously i got long way to go... and joe.. maybe it just might not meant to be..

Tpi kn i tau farah ask me to let him go sbb bnde nie mmg xkemana pun. Pusing2 kt situ gak. And i was hurt. Badly. I was broken. Cme i rasa mcm i lebih rela let go feeling i, forget about those feeling i ada kt joe instead of let him go. He was my very best friend. Tgk friendship nie hancur mcm nie, i just xsanggup. Honestly, i xkisah kot kalo i n joe xend up together. It wasnt one of my dream. But it will be nice if we end up with our best friend kn. I just xnk end this friendship. I tau one day ble joe dh kahwin mesti dia busy ngan family dia, cme once in awhile we could hang out and talked and maybe i kwn ngan wife dia, dia kawan ngan husband i.. mcm dgn the girls nnti, somewhere in the future. Sbb tu i xready nk give up. I will try hold on as long as i can..

But for now, it was really time to be happy and to pick up the pieces and whatever.. Haha.. Going to watch gigs today.. hehe.. see ya.. may everything goes well this time around. Insyallah. Amin. :) xoxo.

Last but not least...

I was reading this book. Then it got to a part where she say she lose herself. She thought about the person she used to be. And that she feel she couldnt not connected to her if she got further away and she wanted to find herself back.

And as for me.. i know i lose myself too. Im no longer the same person i used to be and i really do miss her. But somehow i am not planning to find her. Well, at least not for now.

Even roomate i pun ckp i laen. I byk menyendiri. Yelah selama nie i byk lyn movies. Now, i bkk kejap je pastu i tutup. I lay down and listen to music or read some novel. I pun xtau npe i mcm tu. And lately i rasa mcm i nk delete this blog. Sbb i rasa that girl who love to say things she felt and think are now gone. So whats the point of this blog still exist? But seeing all those post being delete was plain cruel. So i let it stay. Just maybe i am not gonna post anything for awhile. Well, maybe.

Yeah, i tau last time i rasa mcm nie masa i nk give up on joe. The thing is it might be. But somehow read those old conversation, those word he used to say make me change my mind. I want to stay and hold on. But i forgot that was the old him. So, i think maybe i should just let go. Coz somehow i really dont know what i am holding on anymore. And waiting him was like.. waiting for rain in this drought. Useless and disappointing. I do miss him but hey.. i used to miss ashraf too.. So, it just another healing those broken heart again. I will be okay.

About those care less and heartless. Who am i kidding? That just like so not me. Maybe the heartless part dh nk dekat. Sbb.. adalah.. haha.. The care less.. I just xley. Mcm farah ckp i always be there for people. But who know maybe this time i should just ignore some of it. I wont ignore you girls. You like my sister, a family. How could i do that kn? Just to some people.. I need some alone time anyway. Did you know being alone was not mean you lonely. It give u some time to spent with yourself, get to know yourself. And thats why im gonna do. For now.

And i realize that it was okay to give up and let it go. Nope. Ia xde kene mengene dgn give up things that make you happy and love. I still pegang teguh with you should do thing thats you love.

Maybe those figuring things out was not really finish yet. Maybe.

But whatever it is, i might be okay even if i am not fine at all. But i do know for now, all i need was time.

Well, until we meet again. Xoxo.

Falling and back on again

These days i've been keeping all my thought inside, and i wrote everything i felt on my phone or write in a diary. Yeah, since i plan to stop blogging, i bought myself a diary. Bcoz lately i felt like falling just like yuna song. I was so broken. I shut everybody out. I stop do things that i love. And i keep everything inside me. I pretend that everything was okay, that i was fine, when the truth is i am nothing close to those.

Even kwn i pun ckp i dh laen. She told me i need to seek some help. Dia ckp mcm i nie penangih dadah je. But she was right. I dont know who i am anymore. It was like jasad ada, but everything inside was gone. I lose myself. I realize everything that was wrong on me. But i act like i dont care. What would u do when u realize a part of u just die? Would u do it like me? Dont care with everything and let it all be? Or you change everything like it use to, be the happy u?

Well, kwn i betul. So, i change. EVERYTHING.

I xpernah fkir someone bley buat i rasa mcm nie. I mean masa i kene dump ngan ashraf, i was broken, but i xpernah lak mcm nie. I xpernah buat bnde2 tu smue. I was broken, i cry every single night, i pretend mcm i okay tpi i slalu luahkn kt farah lah. But this time around, i nk nanges pun i perlu kn reason tau. I sgt2 ego. I tgk the notebook, titanic or cte ape2 yg melibatkn kematian orng dia syg so that ble i nangis, cte tu yg buat i nangis. I was so weird. And seriously i bley off fon i for a week tpi i bwat few days jelah. And since i nie dikira vip lah gak kn, haha, i limited it to my family and the girls, in case ada pape. And i bley laying on the bed and listen to every sad songs i ever had. REPEATED. Tpi slalunya lagu patah seribulah. And i bley je talk to the girls, tpi i xtau npe i rasa mcm i burden dorng. They got their own problem to solve. So, last2 i simpan smue nyer lah. Dlu ada joe, tpi serkng...

But one day, tetbe tgh dgr lagu, lagu about you now by miranda cosgrove tgh main.. and it got o my thought.. i mean orng kn ckp ble sedey, kita lebih fhm maksud lirik2 tu..

"maybe i'm wrong, you decide,
should have been strong, yet i lied,
nobody gets me like.. you."

it was true, this time around, i silap. maybe sbb i stop follow my intuition. instead i use what i felt right when it was obviously wrong. sbb kalo betul, i patut rasa relieve mcm masa i walk away dri ashraf when he started ignore me. tpi sekrng nie nape i rasa mcm empty, broken and nothing was right. on the second thought, since i rasa i betul wlaupun i mmg rasa i berubah and i dont care, i ingt i bley move on. i just need time. i bley fill diri i balik. but the truth is i cant.

bcoz on second i change my mind back. i felt alive again. i always happy again. like so damn happy. haha.. and somehow half of me, i mean all of me , feels alive again. just i ingt maybe i just have to live with this ignorance. i see myself happy again, why take it away kan..

but things are getting better, sbb i dpt another chance and this time around i will make it right. i text joe last night, turn out fon dia ilang so everything ilang sekali lah kn. see, im such a drama queen. haha.. but it was nice to talk to him again. i bley rasa i xberhenti senyum and i feel my face glow up again. we had a long conversation last night and it was good. from job to life to holiday to football.. sebaik ada nickname tau so he know it was me. i mean sape je pnggil dia pentol kalo bkn i? npe x i nie special. haha.. kidding.. tpi dia yg ckp. i ye kn je. haha.. i was thankful with this chance.. i was happy again.

And this time i xkn mintak lebih2 lgi and i wasnt expect much. i mean dlu kn i gedik nk found someone yg gne saya,awak maybe guna nama ke.. but ble i tgk fizo and mawar gne i,u, i rindu okay.. i xtau ape masalah i.. just i nk mintak.. same taste on music? i mean if he likes the times, the script, paramore, we good. hehe..

and i xtau nape, sepnjg i text ngan dia, i like lost in my own world. i bley xperasan my mom argue ngan nenek i dlm kete, i ada je tau kt dlm kete tu gak tpi i mcm xdgr pape. hebat ke tidak. mmg cloud 9 nie. and he still do this heart beat fast and butterfly thing.. it was good. maybe he was like blair to chuck. i mean chuck stop thinking everything when he near to blair. and we are like blair and chuck or chuck and blair. we both still trying to figure things out. maybe i hold on to things i unsure about. maybe kteorng mmg maen tarik tali. we love to fight and disagree, that was us. i mmg drama queen pun and he.. well, he just like chuck. or maybe i just tgk byk sgt gossip girl. maybe. hehe..

i guess maybe this is how it will be for a while. Who am i kidding, i xley stop rely on joe. u see what happen to me when i stop. but i know eventually i will. just when the right time come. maybe when i found the one or when joe is getting married. but if he was my other half, alhamdulilah. and for now, let me convince myself, let me set my mind that for the time being, we both just need time to figure things out, if it meant to be, it will to be. After all, if two people meant for each other, they will find their way back eventually.

or maybe somethings just worth waiting for.. after all, u never give up on someone you love.. right?