just a thought

I never thought that a person close to me had the same issue as I was. maybe it was a bit different situation than I was but still it kinda same more or less.

I know that they planned to get married soon. However, due to some events that happen on both sides, they postponed it time and time again. But I think they decide at last to have the marriage somewhere next year. It's just something that happens all of a sudden. It is not like either of them meets someone along the way. Just one side felt he had enough and wanted to end it. 

I hope they figure it out somehow and I hope they make it through it all. I know the girl is very loyal and patiently waiting for him to come to his sense. It was bad enough that the boy side know this and tried to change his mind. But the girl side knows nothing at all. And the busyness will always be an excuse. 

I admire how strong she is in this. She decided that this is what she wants and she knows he is all she ever wanted. She chooses to stay and hold on and pray that one day he change his mind. One day he will realize that she is all he ever wanted. One day they are together again and make that dream happen.

I wasn't like that though. Not even close. I grew tired and fed up. It is taken a toll on my life which at one point made me feel like I slowly losing myself. Like I was here but disappear at the same time. My mental health was worsen every day and faking a smile seems too ordinary to do. I love him too much. I would do anything for him. I give it my all. I give my world to him. But I can't sail this ship alone. I can't sit around and hope and think if you will ever come again and then which version I would get now. I just can't do this anymore. That is why I left. Even though he is everything I ever wanted. I saw our future together and I dreamt it will happen one day. But I am done waiting and hoping. So I pack my bag and left a note. And that was the last time you hear from me. Up until that day, you called me and we talked. But that was a closure that we both need for us to move on and go on with our lives.

I told my friend that whatever her decision is, she should not feel regret. And if she can hold on, hold it tightly. Hold it until you just had enough. Let it all go once you are ready. It hurt. It hurts like hell. But like any storm, the sun will shine again. I don't know how long it takes, but you get there somehow. 

And I think somehow I did as well. Remember him was not that hurtful anymore. Yes, I miss him terribly. And I reminisce about the past once in a while. He is still there in the back of my mind and his name is forever lingering in my mouth. But that's just it. He was part of my memories. I was happier now. I was fine even though I never get the old me back. I was good. I was content and that's whats mattered.

cleaning

I was not procrastinating in writing that last piece of him. But I was finding an inspiration. They said if you love something, you need to let it go. So I was doing spring cleaning to my room. From my bookshelf to my clothes, toiletries, bag and lastly my shoes. You have no idea how many things I have already let go of. Not to mention the things that I did not use yet. I realize now that I am a hoarder and I have lots of things and I should not shop more until I use it all.

Changes are good. I could do with some changes. 

That was not the only thing I rummage into. I started to randomly read my last post. It was so funny. Like how naive I was for writing those. But it brings lots of good memories. The kind of I forget it already but when I read it, I will be like "really, is that really happening?". I kind of forget those posts I write about other boys, others than Joe. 

I was so wild and carefree back then. I am always fearless and curious. How did that change huh? 

I came across a post I wrote about my scandal. Yeah, back then when I was in UKM, they kept pairing me up with this guy who makes everybody think we are together. Little did they know, I was wishing the same thing too. We always texting and talking. We always spend time together with a study group. I remember when we both tired, so he show me a bunch of 'The Voice' videos that he save on his laptop. And I think somehow that is the reason why I started and still am watching it. Even though it doesn't really remind me of him. I just thought about it after I reread one of the posts. I believe we could be something more. But then I think you were not mine to begin with. We had a fun ride. But deep down we both know that this was supposed to be temporary and that you were never mine.

Other than that, I was caught up with the feelings I had for Joe. I know deep down somehow, he gets past that layer. But I can't let it get through it. So I make sure he ends up with his now wife. He is happy and I am happy for him. It was somehow a happy ending for both of us. 

This is the past and now it will be lost in the memory.

a fictional character

I am the book type of girl. I tried to read this e-book but it did not give the satisfaction like a physical book. I love the smell of this new/old book and how my finger turns the page forward or backward. The e-book was lack of smell and touch. You just touch the screen and scroll. I mean I could do that each time I was scrolling Twitter or Instagram. But then each people has a different way. Maybe some likes to read the e-book but write a diary. And some like physical books but write a blog. 

Since I bought a lot of books back then. I need to like slowly finish it and buy a new one. HAHAHA... I just can't you know. I just love to go to the book store and then I end up buying anyway. even if it's just one or two books. But if I go to the big bad wolf, then I would let myself buy at least 10 books. So I try to at least finish 5 books in a year. Sometimes it is less but sometimes it is more a bit. But I think this one particular book was by far the quickest. I just can't stop myself from reading it but I tried to. I mean, I don't want to finish it this early though. The book is so good. Sometimes I just go back to certain pages and just read them again even though my pages were way far from that. 

This book is really something. I had this Malay book that I love to reread every year but I think somehow I stop already. And now I found it in an English book. So now I have 2 favorites book. 

If you think this post was just about books, you were wrong... 

The book I read now, well, the story was not similar to my story, the character also was not similar to him and i. But one scene, in particular, reminds me of what he is saying. I know in this book, it just saying it is just a kiss... and somehow it took me to the day where he ask me to marry him and we have a very long conversation after that and after that. But then one day, out of blue, he ask me to forget about it as if it was just a word, a meaningless sentence. I know, I should have reacted more and walked away. But I took it even when it tore me apart and it slash my heart a bit. But I think maybe this just wasn't the right time. Maybe he got lots of things going on. Maybe it will be okay later. I mean, he's still here right?

Because of this part, I started to go back and reminisce about the past. I started to read the old post I wrote for him. I started to find a good sad song. Manage to find a couple that I have added to the playlist I made for him. I started to watch all the death scenes in Grey's just so that I can cry. I am started to do all the things I used to do when it hurts and when I missed him.

Also, I feel like I am delaying the post that I dedicated to him. I know I have written it a couple times before but I kept taking it down. Now, my conscious mind has reminded me that I need to write and post it. It was the final step to really move on and let it go. I did with Ashraf before. So I should do the same with Joe. It was closure for this. But I kept procrastinating on it. All because it felt really over once the post is up. Like I am finally ready to end the book of Joe and Nadira. And it scares the crap of me. I know I have to do it. And I know I am ready and I am getting better. But.. it just felt like the second I get over him then it really is over. And a part of me felt like I just sabotaging all this. I kept sabotaging this anyway.

Remember when I said I hear the All To Well 10-minute version in my last post? I know the reason I did this. Why I did not want to acknowledge the good feeling. Well, other than my heart was not that fully healing. It's just that I kept playing the saddest song when I feel like he is slipping from my mind. So I listen to it just to feel it again, the feeling of longing. So I kept holding on to it. Even though I know deep down I am almost healing and I feel better. He is no longer lingering in my mind so much. Of course, most of the things I did will definitely remind me of us. But it wasn't hurt like before. I know now why it needs to end, why it ends the way it ends. I love talking to him and I kinda miss talking to him. He was my best friend first. But it is what it is. I redha.

I would write that piece of him and then post it. Stay tuned.

short thrilled love

Remember in my last post that I mentioned I got to know someone. Well, it ends... Hahaha... I know it was short and full of lust.

Honestly, all those times that we talk, I could feel myself in my teens where I giggle and grin. It was just like pure lust. But minus the fact that when he said something sweet, instead of I listened to all those good love songs, I go and listen to All Too Well 10 minutes version or any sad song in my 'Missing You' and Playlist for J' playlist. How messed up that is. 

As I said I knew him from the internet but not that dating site even though I did plan to create one someday. I know I said I won't before but I'm just a human, we are bound to change our minds every single time. It was just a random thing where he add me and I approved. He texted me and I replied. Then everything just leads to another. I shared my number so fast. Not like before, back then when I was actively pursuing this online blind love. I mean there is where I met ashraf and then ashari and a few guys after that. I do not know how open and optimistic I was back then. I was fearless and carefree. And I thought I still have it with me but actually not quite yet.

Honestly, I like him. I do He was caring and thoughtful. A very sweet talker and funny. But sadly my heart hates him. Sometimes if I see his name pop out, I felt annoyed but sometimes I did smile. I waited for his text most of the time. I will never be the first to text. but I did once in a blue moon. I think I could only calculate by 1 hand how many times did I make the first move.

It was so short. He came when I think I am ready and after I deleted everything about Joe that was saved nicely on my phone. We talked about everything and try to know each other. He liked Korean drama btw and was a bit clueless about football. He is a Pisces sign. I have nothing against fish okay. He is very hard working and loves to cook. I could imagine myself liking him deeply and settling down with him somehow. Everything was going great. We flirt and joke around. But then one day we have a big fight about some silly thing and now we just stop talking. And I ... I adore him but not much to chase, to fight, or to do anything to save this. I just let it go, let it pass, and move on. In fact, as I was writing this, I deleted every trace of him that I have.

It was short and thrilling. But it wasn't love. It was pure lust and wanting to have someone who care, someone who showered me with love and attention. It was never loved and I know deep down it was never meant to be last. It was initially just an experiment that I did for myself. I wanna see how damaged I was. Well, not much but something has obviously broken inside me and I still need time to heal. 

When and if next time I fall in love, I want to be able to hear those good love songs that I once listed in my playlist instead of listening to a 10-minute version of All Too Well. When and if I fall in love again, I don't want to feel annoyed at all when I see that person's name on my phone. I want to feel peace and in love. When and if I fall in love, I hope I still have a fight with me and that there is something to give back. You see I give everything to Joe and most of it was never returned back to me. That is why I wasn't the same before. I was very cautious and since I lost my fight on that battlefield, there was none of my warrior or fighter spirit in me. It was like what flow, flow. I have no intention to chase or force it anymore. 

But overall, I realize that even though I feel like I was okay and moved on, my heart never did. She still need time to heal completely and that I was okay. I think when the right time comes, when Allah feels like I was completely ready, my knight in shining whatever will come. InsyaAllah. For now, I would just focus on self healing and myself.

On a side note, I realize that I really really do prefer a guy who can speak football language. I mean you can like Korean drama all you want but please know your football. It doesn't have to be the same team as mine. You can have my rival. I just need someone to fight with me if his teams lose with my team. You know just like Joe. He will definitely tease me in the last friendly match because his clubs win over mine. *chuckle

Acceptance

 I did not feel like I was moving on, not completely. There was a time when everything seems so hard and all I want to do was curl up on my bed, cry my heart out while listening to Taylor Swift. But there was a time when everything was okay and I started to see the 'reason' behind everything happen for a reason. 

Of course, it did not happen in one night. And it is not depending on how many years you were together. That was a myth. It happens slowly but surely. It is not easy. But you get through it somehow. 

I know I'm going to talk mostly about weddings here but that just because he pop out the question then maybe he got cold feet and run away, and ask me to forget all about it as if it was just a meaningless word. Yep, so casually cruel in the name of being honest.

I might move on but I never forget. This was one of the wounds that leave a deeper scar and they last they last.

On Angah's day, he said he will come. It was a day he could not miss as Angah was his friend too. Even though I did not put high hope, I still wish he will come. I wear my best outfit at that time. I was preparing myself to meet him. I kept texting him to update him. I'm searching for his familiar face. I texted and then I called. But everything was left unanswered. Even though I put my brave and happy face on, God knows I'm falling apart deep down inside. I never get even an apology or some petty excuses. I think that was the turning point. And that was the moment I knew.

On Nadh's day, I still hold on to his words. I still hope that everything will be fine again. I imagine this was could be us one day. It will be perfect and we look so happy. 

On Mai's day, I already let go of the idea of us but there was always this 'what if' lingering in my head. I still hope he changes his mind and that he would come back. He will say all the right things. He will be here... and I would've been so happy.

On Farah's day. Honestly, I did not feel anything. I no longer hope. I knew we never stood a chance and that we will never be meant to be together. And for the first time, I am fine with that. I started to see why it happen the way it happen. I started to accept, that everything happens for a reason. I can no longer picture us together again. That dream or imagine was just a pigment that was slowly fading away, blown by the wind. Yes, I do miss him, miss us, and that the flashback sometimes crept back. But it goes away as time goes by. And it didn't feel hurting like it was before. 

And I started to see changes in myself after I have redha with everything and accept for what it is. I no longer has to fake a smile or pretend that I was happy and that everything was fine. Now I could say I'm genuinely happy. Happy with my life, happy with the choice I made. I no longer force things and let everything run its course. If it is meant to be, it will be. I am starting to write again. Not a lot like before but one or two posts a month was enough. Getting my old self back was not easy, but I started to love every bit, piece of myself. I think for now that's what's matters.

To be married or living a happy single life, that's the question.

I believe everyone has a dream of how their wedding goes, what kind of dress that they will be wearing, what are the theme, where this wedding will be. And if you have a significant other, you will imagine him/her beside you and how will it be. I bet you will be set on what age will you get married.

The dream is a dream and the plan is a plan. Sometimes it did not go the way we hoped for. But sometimes it did. 

I always imagine I will get married when my age turns 25. Or the very least, 26 or 27. But guess what, I'm way past 25 and 26. It does not seem it will happen at 27. So I could say I can kiss that dream goodbye and never think about it. 

When he popped out the question and even though I never said yes. But we did talk about it, dream about it, and plan about it. For the first time in my life, I really thought that I did finally found the one and that I am going to spend my entire life with this person. It feel surreal and I was ready to give my all. But then, we were done and it is over. It recks me like the titanic ready to sink. I feel numb like I was in a cold sea, waiting to die like Jack Dawson. It was a really cold, painful, heartbreaking, and sad journey. Something that I hope I will never ever face again. Honestly.

It did turn me into a bit cold person but never was heartless. I believe that everyone is destined to be with someone. And maybe just maybe I will find the one that I have been looking for. The one who did not easily change his mind, the one who did not leave me thinking I did something wrong, the one who did not walk away when things get hard, complicated, and real, the one who walk the talk.

But then even if he never comes around. I think I will be okay if I'll end up alone. I mean a significant other doesn't change my value or define my life. If I'm not with someone doesn't mean that I'm not happy. I have these close friends, my lovely family, and a career that I enjoy. It is more than okay.

I had this 'coffee talk' with my mom. And for the first time, I say it out loud, I never know if I want to get married. I mean I could find someone on Tinder, I could boldly talk to Ashraf on this crazy scheme but then, the question is, was I ready or want to get married in the first place?

It was not that I still did not move on or recover from the last heartbreak. I mean I think I was still in the process. But then that was a petty excuse when the reality is that I do not know if I ever want to get married. 

Please don't feel sorry or pity for me. Just be happy for me. Not all the same. Some really want to get married. but did not find anyone yet. So they create this tinder account or sell themselves on social media just to get attention to those who are looking for someone as well. If it works for you, that's good. I won't judge anyone for their choice but I shouldn't have participated in things that are culturally expected for my generation. This isn't just a fit for my style.

I'm starting to readjust my thinking about relationships and what makes a happy life. I am focusing on myself to really evaluate what makes me happy in life. I want to be a better person. I want to focus on growing, traveling, soaking up all the wonderful life events without worrying about finding Mr. Right.

Maybe one day in the future I'll meet someone, they'll spark something in my soul. Maybe that fairy tale is out there for me. I'm not saying that I'm completely put high hopes on it. If it happens then I will be able to go into it with a clear head. I will have learned how to love myself know what I want and need in life. If it doesn't come I also won't be devastated. Perhaps it just isn't in my cards. I may end up with a few cats but it doesn't make me a crazy lonely cat lady. In the end, I will have lived a fulfilled life with no regrets. 

Hey, I don't know, maybe I end up alone but you know what, maybe that's okay. Just pray nice things for me, and just be happy for me for whichever choice that I choose.

Dream, past and remembering

 I did not know if it was a RED season or what but I feel of writing this, to pour this heartfelt that I felt for quite some time. I just realize that the last time that I was here was like 6 months ago. But maybe it was time to go and write again. I mean it won't be active like I used to but I might write when I feel like it. 

Before we began, let just talk about RED first. Oh my goodness, all too well was my favorite, always. The usual one is perfect, but the new long version was even better. I always thought that this song was meant for Ashraf. But after some time, I kinda listen to it when I feel sad or miss him. So the song was now dedicated to him. However, somehow the longer version one was perfectly dedicated to him by me. There are a few sentences or words in that lyric that resemble the things I had with him. But I guess RED will always be for Ashraf. After all, I did write a post about him with that title honestly.

Okay, let's move forward to the reason I was here. 

I guess I never wrote this after it happen. But somewhere around March this year, he came to my dream. I don't quite remember what the dream was now. But he did appear in my dream quite a few times that I continue to sleep so that I could see him even though he did not say much. But I did see him. And I was sad when I wake up as it was only a dream. A week before this dream, I did talk about him to Farah. Mostly about what happened. So after that talk, I just can't stop thinking about him. I missed him so very much. It feel like a week where I felt that way and just miss everything about him, about us. The flashback kept creeping on and he kept double-crossing my mind. It was like, they say all wells that end well but I am in new hell. 

Then, on the night of Tina's bachelorette party, I accidentally call him. I don't know how as the name of the person I was meant to call was different and in fact far from the letter of his name. I drop it once I realize it. After an hour, he called me back but I say 'wrong number, sorry'. And my day getting worse. Nope, I think the next day of it was getting worsen. Usually, I will only have a week to have this kind of breakdown but this has been a few weeks and weeks turn to month. The heart won't rest and the mind kept playing the flashback. But I keep calm and let the heart, mind, and soul feel what it needs to feel. It took quite some time to recover. Feels like I just took numerous steps back but I was fine afterward.

But he called me out of a sudden. He called when everything was back to normal and fine. I did not answer it a first as I thought I was dreaming. But he called me the second time and I hear his voice. His rough-the kind I like- voice. I quite feel my heartbeat fast as usual and everything feels dead silent. We talk for quite a while and I was happy and glad to know that he was okay and everything went well for him. He said he will call again later but he never did. Up until now. But I did not mind much as I felt maybe this is the 'closer' that I was looking for. So I felt grateful instead.

I could say that we go our own separate way after that call. Never to heard and know again. And it was okay. But there is always one of those days that I thought about him and reminisce about the past where everything was good between us. And yeah sometimes I do wonder if he remembers it all too well.

It has been quite a while and today he appeared in my dream. It felt real. And I never thought I saw him so clear, so vivid. At first, I thought it was just a random dream. But there he was with his old grey/green pleated shirt. Watch me, smile at me. I did not say anything as I am still shocked. The funny thing I say was. 'you never call and say anything. so I move on with my life. He smile and hugged me. Every dreamt I had of him, he never say enough or anything. He just does a random gesture or smiles. We got married in that dreamt of mine. And I could feel in my bones that this was just a dream and I want out. I want to wake up. I don't want this. I never want this anymore. 

I got out and wake up. But even when I say I don't care and that it is just a dream. I still think of that dream. But his vivid face was slowly disappearing and fading from my mind. Thus, before I forget all about it, I wrote it here. And layer if I came back and read it, I will remember it all too well.

Forgive yourself

 I believe that when you are on your own and you took some time to self-reflect, you realize that there a million stupid things you did and that oh-so-wrong decision. Seriously, what was I thinking? But then if you look back, it somehow makes you who you are today. This is when people say things happen for a reason even though you did not know what it was. But eventually, you do. 

Honestly, holding on to a one-sided relationship or friendship seems like an idiot move but that time you feel like this is that one person who understood me and then there are these memories that we had all this while. I can't just push aside and act as it did not exist. Cause it did. I hate when people said that every relationship or friendship has an expiry date cause I believe in forever and I am all for a long haul. But that's how life works and people are people, they are not bound to stay in one place. They grew apart and grew up. 

Letting go of a 15years of relationship was not easy but it was a thing that I know I had to do. I feel like I did not who I am anymore. I could feel little pieces of me being shredded and burn. The worst thing was that there is literally nothing I could do except stand and watch it burns. But after quite some time, you just grew tired with this shit and you start to look for a way out. You start to make a list of the staying and the leaving. And even though a part of you fighting to not let go but you did anyway. One day, when it decided, you just pack your things and leave a goodbye note. 

A few months was not easy, you start to battle with yourself again, that this was a wrong move at all. Who the fuck leaving more than a decade of relationship. Seriously! But you did. And slowly you start to pick some pace and move on. The 'he' just a figment of memory that exists at the back of your mind. Even though I like to go there sometimes just to reminisce but most of the time I was good. 

And it becomes even better when you start to forgive yourself. 

Forgive yourself for the wrong thing you did. Forgive yourself for that stupid decision you made. Forgive yourself for stay and holding on so long, thinking that someday he will change and realize. Forgive yourself for putting too much effort and hope into this sinking ship. Forgive yourself to look best on people even though they treat you like shit. Forgive yourself for leaving when it no longer serve you and make you happy. Forgive yourself for losing the best part of your old version. Forgive yourself for loving too deep and innocently. Forgive yourself for the wasted tears you shed in the middle of the night when the memories and flashback came creeping back. Forgive yourself for closing too many doors when you thought you had finally found the one.

But the most important thing, forgive yourself for not putting yourself first, not to love and cherish your own self as now you get a chance to do it. So cherish every bit of it. Life too short for this almost-uncertainty love. Open those door and your heart as great things awaits you in front. Good things take time, so trust His timing.

Everything happen for a reason

After quite some time feeling depressed and useless and a few post of regrets and negativity, the sun is finally shine again and new beginning awake. Hope is all in us. But in this one, it is in me? Hahaha..

Alhamdulilah, finally i settle with a job that well, not perfect but it was enough for now. I had the desk that i always wanted and a fix hour that i always wished. Alhamdulilah, after a few bump roads, i finally settle for an almost perfect position as claim officer. Yeah, sis tak lari dari insurance industry but this is way better since i tak perlu lagi nk hadap sales. Kene fkir mana nk korek sales. Now, i just process the claim, siapkan kerje i and tak perlu fkir apa dah. Balik just chill je. Alhamdulilah for this kind of opportunity. Im like so thankful that i feel like i wanna fill in this post with my gratitude to Allah. Alhamdulilah alhamdulilah alhamdulilah.

After a month and get my first paycheck after so long, i decided to post it. I mean i dont wanna jinx it like i used to before this. Yelah dlu lepas AIA and start with Allianz and then almost with Teledirect but now Henner is part of home. I hope everything goes well and paling kurang pun setahun lah i kat sana but still hope for much longer years. Dia nyer benefit was so much better. With a good medical benefit and increment on salary after a year. Salary okay, lebih sket dari AIA and at least they are firmed with the salary wlaupun tak betul waktu dia masuk kn duit sbb ikut France kan. But okay lah dri Allianz. Tanya nk salary bape tapi end of month habuk je dapat. Pastu bagi alasan kata nk kene setelkn training dlu. Stupid. Give me false hope. Well, i hope you get what you deserve at the end. I wish nothing not even the best. 

But then i believe things happen for a reason. If these thing tak jadi, i wont know that these kind of people exist in this world. I learn a thing or two through this experience. I should have asked more. I should be cautious. And most importantly i should have follow my heart. Sebab actually dari awal lagi i ada bad feeling. Kalo tak takkan lah i still searching for a new job before i even start the job. Go for interview and searching and applying some more. Then on my very first day i start my job pun i dah start cari kerje lain. Not to mention i waste quite a few hours waiting for my boss. I basically tak buat pape pun on my first week. Takyah ckp lah apa i rasa seterusnya. It was a very very bad feeling. I tak pernah rasa benci kat orng mcm ni tau. Slalu tahap tak suka je. And i never felt this broke. 

Then, with teledirect, i took it because i need the money. Walaupun ye i boleh je pinjam kat parents i dlu but u paham tak on your age and you still borrowing from your parents. I feel so ashamed with my own self. And i guess that is when this depress and useless and overthinking feeling came. I was in a dark place for quite sometime but alhamdulilah im better now. I was fine and im finally allow myself feel happy. I make myself busy with work so i wont think about joe so often. I redha with everything even though there were time when he visited in my dream or a glimpse of his reflection appear in my mind when i on train and this butterfly feeling, it always there and always will i guess, for now. 

I believe that things happen for a reason. And i believe it occur in the first place to teach us a lesson or two. Even though sometime it take time to realize the reason of it happen is for what. But somehow soon or later, you would see it and trust it make sense in the end. Like if i tak join Allianz, i wont get myself an ipad walaupun ada kemungkinan i memang akan beli nnti in the future but now i got sooner. Hihihi.. and of course jumpa this kind of people and be in this kind of situation. Everything happen for a reason. It always does. It just take some time for us to realize the good side of it. 

Btw, selamat berpuasa semua :)

Ego for a reason

Everyone has their own ego that they try to hide or proud of it but mine... i just tried to control it so that it wont be more and neither would it be less.. 

I was never an ego person actually. Maybe i was but mine was not this strong. But lately i have been make it grow stronger. You see, for me ego is how i hide my true feeling. Whether it is hope or sad and it could be happy also. Ego was kinda like my shield, my superpower that i adore, that i rely on when things happen. But in here, in this post, i let my guard down, i lay my ego down, i let you see how vulnerable and bruise i was. 

Last Monday, i went to Muar with my mom. And mommy was like kept on asking about joe, was i told him i was here and do we wanna meet, and whatever. At first i was thinking not to because we know how it end up anyway. And i was right actually. I was so stupid for thinking that it might be different this time around. I did though text him saying i was there. I didnt asked if he wanted to meet, hoping that he's the one who would popped out the question instead me. He didnt even respond to any of my text. And honestly it kinda let me down a bit but i let my ego showed that i was fine with this. I lied to my mom that i didnt even text him at all but he did see my insta story but didnt even say anything at all which is true. 

And then yesterday i was chilling out with my mom. And she ask me about joe and i. And i told her the truth. That we were never declare anything, we didnt put a label on this relationship but we stick to be friends and go with the flow. I hated that actually. The 'go with the flow thing' even though i was the one who suggest it. Remind me to change it some where next year. Maybe to 'this ride has been nice but i dont see it go nowhere so here's to our goodbye'. There it goes, the ego again. 

Anyway, these talk, it make me realize that i shouldnt give a fuck about joe.. Honestly, all he ever did is disappoint me. I know he got some issue but i got mine also. Everybody has their own demon to fight with. And i am fucking tired. I wanna give up. I wanna give up with this stupid hope, this stupid fantasy and dream. Go to hell with all of this. I just wish he would also show some effort you know. There are million things he said that could make me murder him at that moment. But i didnt. Instead i forgive and forget. Because thats the thing we did to people we love right?? But everyone has a limit. And mine has reaching many many times but there also the catalyst to slow it down, to freeze it and to lower it. But really though, i should move on. 

I guess that is how the ego start to build up. Starting with cover up and to calm the heartache inside while the ego starting to grew. Each time it be hurt, ego was there to make it feel better. And i know for a fact that it has grew stronger and stronger because i could feel it slowly killing the hope and put the idea of nothing last forever, and at the end all you ever have is yourself. But love... love conquer all.. at the end love always win.. that is what that fairytales bullshit has been putting in our brain.. but the reality is, it just isnt.. this was not that prince and princess story.. this story does not have happy ending.. but maybe it did.. because she lost herself.. but once she let it go, she resurface and found herself... something like that phrase...

Im not done yet

Funnily when i thought that everything was.. well, not exactly that okay but okay lah.. it turn out that i am not done yet.. 

Remember the job i was gonna take at Teledirect? Well, i had to turn it down. Yesterday, after my parents reviewing the offer letter, they asked me not to take it. And sebelum ni mmg my mom ada ckp on the day i go pick my offer but i told her that since i need money and i dont have any offer yet from anywhere, i just should pick it up. Kalo tak mana i nk cekau duit beb. Dhlah for the past 2 month i mcm orng jobless. Jobless ye lepas Allianz/ Infinity buat i macam ni. 

But then my dad open his mouth yesterday and try to talk to me not to take it. He felt like what they offer are low and plus the hour and you have to work on Saturday some more. It was like so no worthy. I tau mmg dorng offer rendah. In fact if i was still with AIA, offer mcm ni i tolak tepi terus. I know nothing beats what AIA once offered me before. That one i can agree with. But then AIA not so great anymore with all this budget cut and layoff. I know for the fact i hate sales and i never regret leaving AIA as many of my close friend semua dh blah. What make i stay is my teammates. Itu je. Selain dari tu. Nope. And also the travel tapi tu pun skrng kene carpool satu and budget for makan dari rm90 turun ke rm15 ye. Mkn mcd pun tak lepas beb. 

Its okay. I believe there will be silver lining at the end of the rainbow. For now, well, i had what i want right. To stay at home and do nothing and just enjoy the netflix. Life is great. 

white carriage and getaway car

I attended Yanie's wedding last month. And this was my first time attend to a wedding of my UKM's classmate. I missed out on Anis's wedding few years back sebab i tgh bercuti time tu. And since i takde pape and my parents pun ikut join sekali gi wedding yanie, why not kan.. Aww... dua classmate i, mariners dah kahwin.  Really happy for both of them.. Tapi tulah bila tgk orng kahwin rasa diri ini pun nk kahwin gak.. hahaha.. tapi tak salah kan... lols.. But seriously i had this kind of feeling lately bila i tgk orng yg i kenal kahwin.. mcm nk kahwin gak tapi tulah takde calon.. huhuhu.. and maybe ada calon tu tpi i nak dia, dia yg tak tau nk i ke tak.. hahaha.. lols..

Anyway, I always fantasize that by the age of 25th, i should have settle down. I should met a man that i want to spent my whole life with. And well, we not lived happily ever after but we just happy with each others. We fight, we make out, me support each other, we be there for each other. The one that i could share everything with and accept me for who i really am. And maybe sbb tu tahun 2019 ni i mcm anxious sikit sebab yelah i 25 ye tahun ni. I was supposed to get married this year. But i guess it wont be happening anytime soon and i will be missed out my own wedding i guess.

After joe asked that question last 2 year, jujur i ckp a part of me was very happy, a part of me could see that everything that i dream finally came true, a part of me was fantasize and planning. But then.. well you know.. things happen.. and now it end to whatever it is now.

I told myself that i dont care that much, that i was fine tapi i kan typical perempuan. Bila je i ckp yg i ok is i betul betul okay. It hurts you know. That everything just kinda destroy and burn. But somehow i pick up those little bits of pieces and save it.. just in case.. who knows it work out at the end. Honestly, a part of me still believe, still fantasize and planning.. kalo tak, takkan lah i kept some information/help for my future self if she ever get married in the future.. And since we talked about marriage, we just go on with this okayy.. just bear with me ye or you could just skip this post. I wont mind.

My dream wedding keep on changing as i grow up. I tak tau lah sbb pengaruh semasa or just the media. But I used to loved big wedding and i be the center of attention. Only for that special day ye. But now, i more to simple but elegant. Tak perlu ramai orng. Ckup lah closed friends and family je. I was thinking 250-300 max. Cukuplah. Reramai pun buat apa. I rimas dan rasa semak ye. Oh, I tak nak ada bridesmaids. And taknak ada pengapit. I rasa tak perlu kot since tempat i tu dewan. Yang ni mmg dari dlu i nk dewan yg  ada aircond ye sbb selain untuk diri i, ia juga untuk my guests. And i plan to do it at night, under the stars. Tpi tak nmpk lah star nyer since dalam dewan.. kau rasa? kalo nk sgt gi luar dewan. Hahaha.. But if i had to have a pengapit, i nak fiqah who is my person to be pengapit i. Sbb dia ada positivity yg i need when im down. And bila i doubt, she can always take me away in a getaway car. Im serious okayy... I tau i ada buat janji dgn angah dlu psl nk jadi pengapit in each other wedding. But now i more to no.. In fact jadi pengapit angah ni pun i berat hati sebenarnya ye. Tpi nk buat mcm mne. Dia dh bagi kain dh pun so no way out i guess. I just hope on the day i kahwin, angah tgh sarat mengandung. Amin. Since majlis i buat malam, i was thinking to finish it in a day, means nikah petang, sanding malam. Mcm tulah plan i tapi tulah planning je.. It could change you know, not by me but by others. I yg terpaksa menerimanya ye. Hahaha..

But then this was all just a dream.. it was not really meant to come true. I mean, i wish it would somehow, someday.. I just hope for the best. Tapi tulah, the heart wants what it wants and it wants Joe. There is nothing i could do about it unless of course joe decide otherwise. But then it was like more to Joe or nothing. So yeah, im better off being alone anyway. Better like that kot. Hati i pun tak sakit. Kalo sakit pun, jap je. Esok lusa dia healing.

I had this conversation with my mom the other day. She was like so keen on me being open and just be friend with people. More specifically, people who were single and straight man. Yelah sekrng kn akhir zaman, so banyak je yg bengkok and actually a married man. I told my mom like i trained myself to say everytime this issue brought up. I did be open and be friend with many people that i come to know all the way. I bukan nyer terus shut people, taknak kawan langsung, sombong or whatever. Cuma nyer, dorng kene lah start the conversation because i wont do it unless perlu. And bukan nyer i tak balas msg tu. I balas kot cuma maybe dia akan nmpk mcm biasa2 je sbb dia tak kenal i lagi. So what they get is only my surface. They need to stay longer for my shell to be open and i need to make sure that they can handle the 'savage' of me. Thats what i told my mom lah.

The thing that i did not tell her is that my heart choose joe. I choose joe. I know he is the one i want to spent my whole life with, the one i willing to take risk with. And I dont know if i could love the next person more than i love joe. Sbb i rasa i already give too much, investing a lot on joe that i dont think it will be any left or enough for the next person. And im scared that i will not gonna put much effort when things go wrong. Like i could give 10% effort on saving the relationship. But that person need to do more because i am helpless. But that is all what i feel or think. Who knows when i meet the right person, everything will fall into place and it will be enough and equally.

But seriously, like i said before, i think im better be on my own. I know each people deserve someone in their life. I just dont think it was meant for me i guess? And kalo i tak end up dgn joe. I okay je be alone. Of course tipu lah kalo tak jealous or tak rasa pape, i bukan heartless even though i wish i was but i wasnt. So yeah. Tapi sebab dh pilih jalan ni, kenelah adapt, kenelah pndai handle bila these situation or feeling appear.  As for kid, well, i can always adopt. Sekrng kn byk je yg buat dlu, fkir kemudian pastu end up terbuang. Kesian tau. But then i am like not really have any intention to invest in kids and education unless it was my education. So i guess i stayed with cats.. love them.. hahaha...

So sis akhir kan post ni dengan a few pictures that were taken at Kuantan, attend Yanie's wedding.

Before gi wedding, we all decide to eat something sweet first

Not the one i order since i punyer in video form

The one i order, hopefully boleh play lah

Our favorite pose, i pun tak tau nape mariners suka sangat gaya this pose

Mariners with yanie x husband.. congrats babe...

All of us

mak cik bawang sekalian.. hahahaha

This feeling

I had this kinda like a weird feeling/vision these past few days. I tak tau lah is it because i was kinda in depressed mode and the fact that i kinda untie most of connection i had with my closed ones. I like literally boleh go on silent phone i for quite a few days actually. And if let say ada a few miscall or text or whatsapp, i ignore most of it. I didnt return the call back and even text saying sorry for not pick up the call. Whatsapp and message pun memilih. Ada yg i ignore terus and ada yg i balas tapi lambat giler lah. Could take a few days. I tak tau lah nape sgt i mcm ni. Nak kata malas ye gak. But i just... entahlah... 

I ignore my person. Wlaupun technically dia buat group untuk plan yanie nyer wedding. So technically they are bunch of people dalam group tu yg boleh respond. I only respond when needed. Bukan i busy ke malas ke. It just i dont feel like i wanna say anything at all unless when needed like voting and paying. And i tau maybe fiqah kinda frustrated ngan perangai i ni mcm tak supporting and tak membantu langsung. Put in mind to apologize to her later. But i did respond well aritu sbb mood i kinda okay time tu. So lucky her. In fact lucky to those yg i respond right on time and answering the call even though i didnt save your number. Hahaha.. lols. 

Alright, the next weird feeling is that.. hurm.. it involve joe. I slalu like excited giler dapat text dari joe. Too much?? Okay.. excited giler tu nmpk mcm exhilarating sket. But i was happy. I smile. But this one i didnt. I mean i smile but i dont know if im happy or glad or whatever. I read pastu i biarkan. Malam sket kot baru i balas. Tapi ayat i simple and pastu i terus lupa psl bnde alah ni. Baru ni teringt balik. Then even dia sent i video dia gi cuti kt phuket tu, i just tgk sekali je. SEKALI JE?! This is like so not nasuha nadira. SERIOUSLY! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME????!!!!

Moving on to that weird feeling/vision... with all these messed up feeling, i start to question myself was my feeling towards joe change??? Pastu i like berangan if orng tnye i what if all this time i tunggu joe tapi at the end joe pilih orang lain... wanna know my answer??? hahaha

well, honestly of course i akan broken hearted giler hati hancur berkecai bersepai sepai patah seribu. then background music patah seribu akan dimainkan.. follow by someone like you.. and last but not least only love can hurt like this. but then lagu these days akan dimainkan untuk menunjukkan yg i nak move on and redha with everything... im happy for joe.. im happy he met someone that can make him happy and give things that i didnt give to him.. i am really happy even though im not the reason behind it and that it sucks for me.. lols.. but really.. what worries me is that what if one day he realize i was the one and he finally want to settle down with me but i just dont feel the same.. how can i respond to that and broke his heart when his happiness is my third important things in my life.. i mean i know deep down inside of me i still do love him.. it just im not sure if it is still the same reason and growing some more.. 

 

But whatever i is.. i just hope that this is weird things will only be temporary. And that when all this mood is over, i be head over heals on joe and anything that i used to love. But if let say it decide to stay.. i just hope that no matter what happen.. feeling i kat joe takkan hilang.. it will always remain there.. maybe not growing.. but still alive and the same.. 

Im losing it here

My motivation has bee drain this week. It getting worse each day. And i do am trying to survive. Each day i try to be positive that i can fucking do this. That i am strong enough to do this job. But then at the end of the day it all consume me and leads me to failure. The negative thought come linger inside of me and i try to wash it away. Acted like i was fine and happy with all of these when the truth is i am not fucking fine at all. 

Last monday we had our kick off. Makan makan, mingle around, telling about each other a little bit and sort out a plan for this year. And for once i know that i can do this. And later on Tuesday, had my training on how to use the apps and how to say it to client and convince them to buy our products. And that time also i am fucking sure i can do this. It is in my blood. But come yesterday, those thing have been suck out from me. And not to forget today. I spent my days in opening the jobstreet and applying any job. Not to mention i did open the selected company that provide me the desire job that i want and i apply it. See how desperate i am?

I also started to question about my life and decision that i make. I thought this year will be great but then it isnt. I know for the fact that im starting to sink in into those dark deep hole i used to love. But im trying to survive here. I do. I do not want to feel whatever dark feeling i had last year. I want to be better, to be good. I want this year to be better. But obviously January dislike me that much.

 

 

You know what i want right now. I want to break free. Like literally. I want to stop doing everything, anything and just take myself off, take a deep breath and reflect. That is what i wanna do. Did you know that my mom wants me to continue study in phd before umur i 30. Clearly there is like no marriage for me which is fine by me because well i dont think i end up with joe anyway. So whats the point anyway. Im better off being alone. But honestly i kinda lost here. I really dont know what im gonna do with my life. I dont even know my purpose of living here. Should have ended when i had a chance. But then part of me entahlah.. have common sense. Killing yourself will ultimately shut you off from ever going to heaven. So im trying to survive in this cruel cruel world. Maybe good things do take time. All i had to do is be positive and just be fucking patient with it. 

That long conversation

I had a very sort of long conversation with joe the other day. About us and everything. The past, the future, the present. All those good thing that should have been settle ages ago.

As usual i start the conversation. I wish him happy new year and the best for all the goals he sets for this year. I mean how should  i know he is the type of person yg ada buat goals or not. Coz im not. Just baru tahun ni i baru nk start buat. Lols. And i told him that i realize hows foolish i am for all the things i said before. Semuanya di sebabkan perasaan marah. Memang kalo marah tu takyah ckp pape. Senyap sudah. I also say that i will hold on to his words or question tu semua. I nk go with the flow. If ada jodoh, adalah. And i mention psl blackpink rockstar tu ye. Ha, kali ni takde sebab dia nk ckp i lupa ke apa. And btw, i n joe like the not so officially tubuhkn band ni ye. This is nothing to do with the korean bank okayy. Our band dh ditubuhkan since 2008 di mana original member dia adalah i, joe, then gf joe yg i lupa nama dia n ashraf. But then both of them broke up with us so tinggal i n joe. Which smpai la ni tak cari member yg baru. So i dont think so it will officially will be form unfortunately. Yeah, that is basically tu je rasanya apa yg i ckp ngan dia. Oh and i mintak tolong carikan tiket bola macam biasa. Hahaha.. Mcm biasa i tak harap dia balas. Kalo tak balas pun takpe. At least i dont need to think or say anything. It save my energy. But then if dia balas, it is up to me kalo nak balas or tak depends on what the content is. 

But then as usually, cliche as it may seems, dia balas cuma lmbt sehari. Time zone kteorng mmg different pun. Later i told you why. He was being nice. Wishing me the same and all.He agrred though about going with the flow. He told me not to think about it that much as i still am young, i got the whole world in front of me. Yelah, i faham. We both still nak achieve whatever our dream is. We both still young and foolish and broke. He also apologize for all the things that happen before. He realize and see of all the things happen but maybe he dont know how to react and what to say. He jokes about the band of us and about him being ulat tiket i. But assure me that he will find it for me if he can. And he also said that he know he was not the 'good guy'...

At first i mula ingt tak nak balas but then that 'good guy' makes me want to reply. I told him that i wont be thinking much about us as i nak focus on my career this year. I go with the flow. I told him i forgave him. We both patut bukak buku baru. Tahun baru, buku baru, permulaan baru. And about the good guy, i cakaplah yg i kenal dia dh 12 tahun bukan 12 saat. I kenal dia dari zaman dia nakal giler sampai lah sekrng dh berubah, elok je i tgk. Serious i ckp banyak giler perubahan dia. Kalo imbau balik masa mula2 kteorng kenal dlu, i mcm tak caya je yg i manage to befriend dia. I mean dia like out of my league as a friend. Even my mom tak approve our friendship at first. So i tak perlu explain lebih. I think you guys get it. And even though we knew each other quite long, i know that i not really knew him too well. But still kalo i manage kawan ngan dia smpai sekrng, mesti ada sebab. And it is not because i had like a big crush on him okayy. I accept him for who he is, every flaws.. i accept.

And i thought i ended there but it didnt. The thing yg buat i suka kat dia is how he give advice and positive vibe. Dari dulu lagi dia selalu nasihat i, give me support. So dia nasihat kn i psl kerje, sruh focus psl kerje, jgn bawak masalah dalam kerje nnti haywire jadinya. The big surprise is that dia dh berhenti kerje. And he is looking for new job. I terkejut gaklah. Sbb i ingt dia still with the old job cuma i tau lah dia mmg tgh cari kerje lain. Lebih kurng mcm i. But i wish him the best in things he do. Okay, part yg i ckp psl timezone tu. Dia mention yg kitadh kenal each other about 13years. Sbb nyer dia kira masa i umur darjah 6. Yg i lak ckp 12 tahun sbb mmg kenal masa form 1 pun. Masa darjah 6 tu ckp kt dalam fon pun memarah memasing. Apa cer. Tapi mcm biasa. I ye kan jelah. We both timezone mmg lain pun.

This is like the very first time we both having a long conversation. Selalunya i msg panjang2, dia bukan respon pun. Hahaha.. Lols. But it was a very good long conversation. I bersyukur and feeling glad we finally sort everything out. I guess we wait and see jelah. If we meant to be, we meet again somehow somewhere. For now we go with the flow.