Since I bought a lot of books back then. I need to like slowly finish it and buy a new one. HAHAHA... I just can't you know. I just love to go to the book store and then I end up buying anyway. even if it's just one or two books. But if I go to the big bad wolf, then I would let myself buy at least 10 books. So I try to at least finish 5 books in a year. Sometimes it is less but sometimes it is more a bit. But I think this one particular book was by far the quickest. I just can't stop myself from reading it but I tried to. I mean, I don't want to finish it this early though. The book is so good. Sometimes I just go back to certain pages and just read them again even though my pages were way far from that.
This book is really something. I had this Malay book that I love to reread every year but I think somehow I stop already. And now I found it in an English book. So now I have 2 favorites book.
If you think this post was just about books, you were wrong...
The book I read now, well, the story was not similar to my story, the character also was not similar to him and i. But one scene, in particular, reminds me of what he is saying. I know in this book, it just saying it is just a kiss... and somehow it took me to the day where he ask me to marry him and we have a very long conversation after that and after that. But then one day, out of blue, he ask me to forget about it as if it was just a word, a meaningless sentence. I know, I should have reacted more and walked away. But I took it even when it tore me apart and it slash my heart a bit. But I think maybe this just wasn't the right time. Maybe he got lots of things going on. Maybe it will be okay later. I mean, he's still here right?
Because of this part, I started to go back and reminisce about the past. I started to read the old post I wrote for him. I started to find a good sad song. Manage to find a couple that I have added to the playlist I made for him. I started to watch all the death scenes in Grey's just so that I can cry. I am started to do all the things I used to do when it hurts and when I missed him.
Also, I feel like I am delaying the post that I dedicated to him. I know I have written it a couple times before but I kept taking it down. Now, my conscious mind has reminded me that I need to write and post it. It was the final step to really move on and let it go. I did with Ashraf before. So I should do the same with Joe. It was closure for this. But I kept procrastinating on it. All because it felt really over once the post is up. Like I am finally ready to end the book of Joe and Nadira. And it scares the crap of me. I know I have to do it. And I know I am ready and I am getting better. But.. it just felt like the second I get over him then it really is over. And a part of me felt like I just sabotaging all this. I kept sabotaging this anyway.
Remember when I said I hear the All To Well 10-minute version in my last post? I know the reason I did this. Why I did not want to acknowledge the good feeling. Well, other than my heart was not that fully healing. It's just that I kept playing the saddest song when I feel like he is slipping from my mind. So I listen to it just to feel it again, the feeling of longing. So I kept holding on to it. Even though I know deep down I am almost healing and I feel better. He is no longer lingering in my mind so much. Of course, most of the things I did will definitely remind me of us. But it wasn't hurt like before. I know now why it needs to end, why it ends the way it ends. I love talking to him and I kinda miss talking to him. He was my best friend first. But it is what it is. I redha.
I would write that piece of him and then post it. Stay tuned.
No comments:
Post a Comment