short thrilled love

Remember in my last post that I mentioned I got to know someone. Well, it ends... Hahaha... I know it was short and full of lust.

Honestly, all those times that we talk, I could feel myself in my teens where I giggle and grin. It was just like pure lust. But minus the fact that when he said something sweet, instead of I listened to all those good love songs, I go and listen to All Too Well 10 minutes version or any sad song in my 'Missing You' and Playlist for J' playlist. How messed up that is. 

As I said I knew him from the internet but not that dating site even though I did plan to create one someday. I know I said I won't before but I'm just a human, we are bound to change our minds every single time. It was just a random thing where he add me and I approved. He texted me and I replied. Then everything just leads to another. I shared my number so fast. Not like before, back then when I was actively pursuing this online blind love. I mean there is where I met ashraf and then ashari and a few guys after that. I do not know how open and optimistic I was back then. I was fearless and carefree. And I thought I still have it with me but actually not quite yet.

Honestly, I like him. I do He was caring and thoughtful. A very sweet talker and funny. But sadly my heart hates him. Sometimes if I see his name pop out, I felt annoyed but sometimes I did smile. I waited for his text most of the time. I will never be the first to text. but I did once in a blue moon. I think I could only calculate by 1 hand how many times did I make the first move.

It was so short. He came when I think I am ready and after I deleted everything about Joe that was saved nicely on my phone. We talked about everything and try to know each other. He liked Korean drama btw and was a bit clueless about football. He is a Pisces sign. I have nothing against fish okay. He is very hard working and loves to cook. I could imagine myself liking him deeply and settling down with him somehow. Everything was going great. We flirt and joke around. But then one day we have a big fight about some silly thing and now we just stop talking. And I ... I adore him but not much to chase, to fight, or to do anything to save this. I just let it go, let it pass, and move on. In fact, as I was writing this, I deleted every trace of him that I have.

It was short and thrilling. But it wasn't love. It was pure lust and wanting to have someone who care, someone who showered me with love and attention. It was never loved and I know deep down it was never meant to be last. It was initially just an experiment that I did for myself. I wanna see how damaged I was. Well, not much but something has obviously broken inside me and I still need time to heal. 

When and if next time I fall in love, I want to be able to hear those good love songs that I once listed in my playlist instead of listening to a 10-minute version of All Too Well. When and if I fall in love again, I don't want to feel annoyed at all when I see that person's name on my phone. I want to feel peace and in love. When and if I fall in love, I hope I still have a fight with me and that there is something to give back. You see I give everything to Joe and most of it was never returned back to me. That is why I wasn't the same before. I was very cautious and since I lost my fight on that battlefield, there was none of my warrior or fighter spirit in me. It was like what flow, flow. I have no intention to chase or force it anymore. 

But overall, I realize that even though I feel like I was okay and moved on, my heart never did. She still need time to heal completely and that I was okay. I think when the right time comes, when Allah feels like I was completely ready, my knight in shining whatever will come. InsyaAllah. For now, I would just focus on self healing and myself.

On a side note, I realize that I really really do prefer a guy who can speak football language. I mean you can like Korean drama all you want but please know your football. It doesn't have to be the same team as mine. You can have my rival. I just need someone to fight with me if his teams lose with my team. You know just like Joe. He will definitely tease me in the last friendly match because his clubs win over mine. *chuckle