Forgive yourself

 I believe that when you are on your own and you took some time to self-reflect, you realize that there a million stupid things you did and that oh-so-wrong decision. Seriously, what was I thinking? But then if you look back, it somehow makes you who you are today. This is when people say things happen for a reason even though you did not know what it was. But eventually, you do. 

Honestly, holding on to a one-sided relationship or friendship seems like an idiot move but that time you feel like this is that one person who understood me and then there are these memories that we had all this while. I can't just push aside and act as it did not exist. Cause it did. I hate when people said that every relationship or friendship has an expiry date cause I believe in forever and I am all for a long haul. But that's how life works and people are people, they are not bound to stay in one place. They grew apart and grew up. 

Letting go of a 15years of relationship was not easy but it was a thing that I know I had to do. I feel like I did not who I am anymore. I could feel little pieces of me being shredded and burn. The worst thing was that there is literally nothing I could do except stand and watch it burns. But after quite some time, you just grew tired with this shit and you start to look for a way out. You start to make a list of the staying and the leaving. And even though a part of you fighting to not let go but you did anyway. One day, when it decided, you just pack your things and leave a goodbye note. 

A few months was not easy, you start to battle with yourself again, that this was a wrong move at all. Who the fuck leaving more than a decade of relationship. Seriously! But you did. And slowly you start to pick some pace and move on. The 'he' just a figment of memory that exists at the back of your mind. Even though I like to go there sometimes just to reminisce but most of the time I was good. 

And it becomes even better when you start to forgive yourself. 

Forgive yourself for the wrong thing you did. Forgive yourself for that stupid decision you made. Forgive yourself for stay and holding on so long, thinking that someday he will change and realize. Forgive yourself for putting too much effort and hope into this sinking ship. Forgive yourself to look best on people even though they treat you like shit. Forgive yourself for leaving when it no longer serve you and make you happy. Forgive yourself for losing the best part of your old version. Forgive yourself for loving too deep and innocently. Forgive yourself for the wasted tears you shed in the middle of the night when the memories and flashback came creeping back. Forgive yourself for closing too many doors when you thought you had finally found the one.

But the most important thing, forgive yourself for not putting yourself first, not to love and cherish your own self as now you get a chance to do it. So cherish every bit of it. Life too short for this almost-uncertainty love. Open those door and your heart as great things awaits you in front. Good things take time, so trust His timing.

Everything happen for a reason

After quite some time feeling depressed and useless and a few post of regrets and negativity, the sun is finally shine again and new beginning awake. Hope is all in us. But in this one, it is in me? Hahaha..

Alhamdulilah, finally i settle with a job that well, not perfect but it was enough for now. I had the desk that i always wanted and a fix hour that i always wished. Alhamdulilah, after a few bump roads, i finally settle for an almost perfect position as claim officer. Yeah, sis tak lari dari insurance industry but this is way better since i tak perlu lagi nk hadap sales. Kene fkir mana nk korek sales. Now, i just process the claim, siapkan kerje i and tak perlu fkir apa dah. Balik just chill je. Alhamdulilah for this kind of opportunity. Im like so thankful that i feel like i wanna fill in this post with my gratitude to Allah. Alhamdulilah alhamdulilah alhamdulilah.

After a month and get my first paycheck after so long, i decided to post it. I mean i dont wanna jinx it like i used to before this. Yelah dlu lepas AIA and start with Allianz and then almost with Teledirect but now Henner is part of home. I hope everything goes well and paling kurang pun setahun lah i kat sana but still hope for much longer years. Dia nyer benefit was so much better. With a good medical benefit and increment on salary after a year. Salary okay, lebih sket dari AIA and at least they are firmed with the salary wlaupun tak betul waktu dia masuk kn duit sbb ikut France kan. But okay lah dri Allianz. Tanya nk salary bape tapi end of month habuk je dapat. Pastu bagi alasan kata nk kene setelkn training dlu. Stupid. Give me false hope. Well, i hope you get what you deserve at the end. I wish nothing not even the best. 

But then i believe things happen for a reason. If these thing tak jadi, i wont know that these kind of people exist in this world. I learn a thing or two through this experience. I should have asked more. I should be cautious. And most importantly i should have follow my heart. Sebab actually dari awal lagi i ada bad feeling. Kalo tak takkan lah i still searching for a new job before i even start the job. Go for interview and searching and applying some more. Then on my very first day i start my job pun i dah start cari kerje lain. Not to mention i waste quite a few hours waiting for my boss. I basically tak buat pape pun on my first week. Takyah ckp lah apa i rasa seterusnya. It was a very very bad feeling. I tak pernah rasa benci kat orng mcm ni tau. Slalu tahap tak suka je. And i never felt this broke. 

Then, with teledirect, i took it because i need the money. Walaupun ye i boleh je pinjam kat parents i dlu but u paham tak on your age and you still borrowing from your parents. I feel so ashamed with my own self. And i guess that is when this depress and useless and overthinking feeling came. I was in a dark place for quite sometime but alhamdulilah im better now. I was fine and im finally allow myself feel happy. I make myself busy with work so i wont think about joe so often. I redha with everything even though there were time when he visited in my dream or a glimpse of his reflection appear in my mind when i on train and this butterfly feeling, it always there and always will i guess, for now. 

I believe that things happen for a reason. And i believe it occur in the first place to teach us a lesson or two. Even though sometime it take time to realize the reason of it happen is for what. But somehow soon or later, you would see it and trust it make sense in the end. Like if i tak join Allianz, i wont get myself an ipad walaupun ada kemungkinan i memang akan beli nnti in the future but now i got sooner. Hihihi.. and of course jumpa this kind of people and be in this kind of situation. Everything happen for a reason. It always does. It just take some time for us to realize the good side of it. 

Btw, selamat berpuasa semua :)

overthinking hurts

We, ourselves, love over thinking.We cant help it somehow. Its nature. Exspecially after something happen. Maybe someone having doubt on you. Or someone who ignore you. You started to do lot of scene in your mind. Like me.

 I know i do things that i love. Thing that ive been dream since matriks. But somehow that doesnt stop me from trusting myself. You see, i get influence by people easily. I love marine. I really do. Since i learn about those phylum phylum. But most people dont understand.

They questioning of what im doing. They questioning what does it do. They questioning does it have a future. And im doubt in myself. Im starting to change mind mind and keep telling myself that ive make a big mistake ever.. but actually i didnt. coz i love marine. i always were. yeah i know that it was hard. and it was something that rarely people take. Well, thats the problem. People didnt expose to this thing yet. So they didnt know. And i shouldnt having a second thought. It was hard. I know. But the thing is we always figuring. We always do. Somehow somewhere. Beside Allah always there for us. He know the right for us. And maybe marine was where i suppose to be. I just gotta make it work.

So, people, always follow ur heart. Always do what you love to do. And let what people say about the negativity flow in the air. Show them what u capable of. Thing positive and leave the negative behind. Have faith. Stop this over thinking madness. Haha.. Trust me, we will be fine. Just trust urself and say 'You can do it!' and of course you can. its all psychology. bcoz if you thing you can do it. You can do it. You will do it the best. Insyallah.

Proud of me

Alhamdulilah. Syukur kepada mu Ya Allah... walaupun xdpt 4 flat tapi alhamduliah sbb dpt 3.5 ke atas. Bape? 3.5 ke atas lah.. haha..
Im so happy and proud of myself. Every hard work i been through had been pay off.. now, focus on sem2 pulak. Insyallah. Will do my best and this time nak dpt 4 flat! Insyallah.

What makes everything seems worth it is that i got to make my parents proud of me and happy for me. Tu je.. dah buat aku gembira and sgt2 bersyukur..

This definitely a happy news. Thank you Allah :)

 

And to those yg berjaya, congrats and you earn a pat on the back. And those yg x, remember there always have 2nd chance which is 2nd sem. So, lets do our very best on this one coz we sure hell need it. Just a few step to reach our own star. :)

For my lil sis

Sayang... i know what you've been through right now was so hard. Nk lak pulak ur sisters not around to support you. But you have to be strong starting now. You have to give support to your mom. Dont show how sad and sorry your are to her. Cheer her up and if you strong enough, try to act everything normal. Crack a joke, laugh, shared some story so that she wont feel like her sickness change everything. Make her feel like nothing has change. Try not to make her cry and sad. Dont make her worry. I know final exam was near but i know you can do it syg and gudluck btw. I pray for you and ibu.

Remember, nie smue dari ujian dari Allah. You have to be strong and sabar in facing this obstacle. Banyak kan berdoa dari Allah. Insyallah, Allah tu maha penyayang, Dia pastu bantu umatnya yang sabar.

Im not good at giving someone's advice. Its not like im never being through this. It just maybe im really not good at it. But aina, remember this, i always be here when you need a shoulder to cry or whatsoever. Like i say you like a little sister i never had.. i dah anggap you.mcm adik i. Kita pun slalu hangout kan and then stalk megat. Will do that again next time insyallah.
Stay strong for ibu ye aina and be a good girl which i know you are :)

Super Understanding

So, i had a problem with someone. But mommy being super understanding.. hehe..

I didnt told her though. I mean its not really a big deal. Standard lah kalo ada misunderstanding kan.. mcm lah between my girls xpernah tapi kitaorng selalu gaduh kejap je. Pling lama pun 1jam. I cant stand not talking to them! Neither do them. Tapi gduh ngan joe pling ganas lah smpai putus kawan. But hey, every problem had a solution. Cme up to that person to find it and solve it or ignore it and walk away. Mendalam kn ayatnya.

Twitter had been my 2nd social network i told what i felt aside from my blog. So, i've been tweet pitiful words in my twitter recently. And i already know my parents would definitely be stalking me. But somehow i dont mind. Like hell i care! So, bila mommy tanya about those person, i kinda surprise. Okay, mommy pun tau.

But whats make her an understanding person? Its not like im her daughter so she gonna stood for me. No, my mom not like that. She would definitely mad at me and give me advice and pursuit me to sort things out.. but not this time.

As if she know what i went through, she whatsapp me this morning. Give me strenght and of course advice. Lagi terharu bila mommy ckp imma a strong girl. And dont forget, she also say im a good at faking. Yep, pengalaman mengajar kita je arah tu. :D

But i didnt told her the full story yet. Bnde nie sgt remeh kot. Malas lah. Tapi ter cte kat my twin.. hehe.. xsengaja.. dah borak2 kan so mcm2 ley terkeluar kan.

So, mommy thanks for give me strength and be super understand. I miss you a lot! And i always love you with all my heart. :)

Stronger

Strong.. is not like you can weight up a 1000tan of things. Strong is not like you have that super strength power. Strong is not like you have the build up body.

But strong is when you not giving up. Strong is when you face the challenge in ur life. Strong is when you be patience and get through every task on the way to get up. Strong is when you keep on smiling even when you feel broken inside somehow.

And trust me, cry is not the weakest point in ur life. You cry coz u need to. You cry coz you feel to let it all out. You cry to feel better again. Believe me, once the cry over, you be smiling again as if nothing happen, as if nothing had change. And that showed how strong you are. :)

#NoteToSelf

UPS

Had a blast day with mai. Sleepover bilik dia, dia sleepover bilik kita. Study sama2. Ups nk dekat kay. Next week je. Pastu BALIK! Ya Allah, xsabarnya.. Cuti 2 minggu tu. Sape je xnk kn. But of course before senang kene tempuh yg susah dulu. So, wish me luck kay. Aim for 4 FLAT!

Be grateful

Alhamdulilah syukur dgn result SPM yg aku dpt walaupun, to be honest, i am a bit disappointed of myself cause i thought i can get straight A's or at least 8A's but i didnt. I got lower than that. I am grateful of what i achieve cause yeah, maybe Allah had plan something better for me in our future. And i am also grateful as both my parents are proud of me and understanding eventhough i know deep down inside them, they are a bit disappointed with my result. They just won't show it in front of me. But i also knew they understand that i have try my hardest to get as good result as i can. So, thanks mommy and daddy for not showing your disappoint to me and be proud of me and understand me. It means a lot and i love you guys so much. Insyallah, i will try my best in the future to make you proud of me more than disappoint.

Tapi bila fikir2 balik kan, can i really pursue my dream with this result? Will i get to be what i want? I dont know. I dont have the answer for that. But i guess i have to keep trying to find a way out and find a way taht best for me. Insyallah, Allah akan bantu aku. So, im intent to follow my dreams whatever it may be. :)

You bring me up agin

Im a bit down actually yesterday. Its rain heavily and i just dont care. My tears are starting to fall and i am so badly dont want anyone else to see it. So, see the weather is raining, i thought this is my chance. No one would know that i was crying coz it could be the water from the rain right? But still i was wrong.

Coz as soon as i was inside the car, i cant stop crying. I try to hold on. But i couldnt. I felt like i was disappoint my parents. I felt like i crash their hope. So, i end up nangis tersedu-sedu. And i was cry in front of my mom. Something that i rare doing it coz i hate crying in front of people. It make me feel weak. It show me hopeless. But i guess yesterday was exception.

The day before, i had a fight with my parents. Not really huge fight but still.. i hurt them. I was so wrong coz yesterday, they bring me up again. They try to cheer me up. And keep saying that everything going to fine and okay eventhough i know it wont, at least. For the first time, i heard my dad say 'i had a faith in you'. Thats surprise me coz my dad never say something like that to me. He usual say 'you can do it. try your best'. And when he said that, i feel joy and happy. And my mom was like offering me a hug which i refuse coz i know i will cry really bad again.

So, thanks you guys for the support and motivate me to bring me back up again. I really2 appreciate it. I love you so much. Even words are to hard explain it. Im sorry  for hurting you guys and didnt mean what isay.I really2 sorry for everything i did. I know ive been disapointed you guys a lot. But insyallah in the future, i will try not to and less hurting you guys. More love and more making you happy. Love ya.. Muahx...

Hello 2011..

Hello 2011 and gudbye to you 2010..

Ok2.. Aku nk mle kn a very fresh start this 2011. (seriously! ok!).. Maklumlh, thun nie kn aku akn berperang.. Huh? Berperang? Jgn slh faham.. Berperang dgn dugaan tv dan keseronokan melepak.. tu je. Yelh, thun nie aku SPM kot.. Huishh! Tulis ayat tu je dh rse lemah semangat dh. Ya Allah, mampu ke aku menhadapinya dengan baik?? Huhu.. Insyallah..a AKU PASTI BLEY! Everygreen, kte mesti yakin n postif! Yep!

Anyway, since ni dah msuk 2011, ade byk perubahan aku nk lakukan pada tahun nie.. Maksud aku goal yg nk aku achieve tok thun nie lh.. Antaranya ialah........

1) Study hard. Study smart. 9A'S dlm tngan tok SPM!
2) Solat 5waktu cukup, bykkan doa, bykkan nace Al-Quran.
3) Kurangkan bergossip and merapu and buat jahat (insaflh wahai evergreen.. hehe..)
4) Be more mature and confident and positive.
5) Berpegang pada 'PERATURAN 18' iaitu single 'till 18, double after 18..
6) Ingt nk simpan rmbut pnjang tok thun nie. Malkumlh slalunya ble pnjang je mesti nk potong. So, thun nie kte biarkn die pnjang tpi xmcm Cik Rapunzal lh ye..
7) Ambik diet yg btul, seimbangkn BMI n exercise once a week! (mesti!)
8) Pling penting, LOVE URSELF!!! ;))


Ha, buat masa nie tu sajalh matlamat aku tok thun nie. Harap2 terlaksanalh smuenya ya. Jgn jadi mcm thun lepas. Rasa2nya mcm xde yg t'capai je thun lpas. *aduh! sedih sungguh!


Oklh, gtg now. Dh ngatok thap cipan dan nie. Hehe.. Btw, tdi tgk fireworks kt I-City was super awesome! The best thing i've seen so far lpas beberape thun usha firework kt KLCC je. Sememangnya laen dri yg.. laen.. So, hrp2 2012 nti, I-City bwat yg lbih gempak lgi ye n aku hrp2 dpt kesempatan tok melihatnya lgi ye.. Insyaalah.. Segalanya mungkin...

Nk jadi ape ek??

Hari nie penat gle ah! Nama je sabtu tpi x relax lngsung. Yelh, mne xnyer, arinie satu ari aku jalan. Dari pagi smpai ptg. Gle ah! Bgun2 gi carefour, giant, bagus tok cari bahan2 nk bwat kuih. Maklum ah nk raya kn xlme lgi. Pastu gi Jalan TAR cari baju raya aku. Sedih dowh. Family aku smue dh beli. Aku nie je yg last. Ratapan anak tiri. Sob sob sob.. Haha.. Xde ah. Aku xtau nape aku mlas sgt nk beli baju raya. Baju laen jugak yg tarik perhatian aku. Pelik2. Tapi tdi dh dpt dh so xyah cte pjg2. Aku cume nk cte tdi otw nk gi Jalan TAR, aku naek LRT, pastu smpai stesen KLCC, ade satu group nie msuk. Aku t'pdg kn one guy nie. Bkn ape, aku rase mcm ade orng pndg, aku pn pgng ah. N mase mula2 tu aku tgk muke die mcm knl, mcm prnh tgk. Then, 2nd time pndang, bru aku tau. Rupa2nya mke die mcm Ash tpi xtau lah btul ke x die. Tpi die pn nmpk mcm asyik pdng aku je (ceh2.. perasan..). Tpi enthlh. Mungkin xkot. Mcm mne aku tau? Psl ati aku lbh knl Ash so kalo tu btul Ash, ati aku dh bunyi siren dah, 'ALERT!'. Haha.. Tpi kalo tu mmg die, biarlh. Aku mlas nk tgur. Yelh, mne tau slh orng. Bwat malu mke je. Mne nk ltak mke nie?? Xkn nk sruh LRT lnggar kot?? Nk raya kot. Kesian ah. So, baik bwat dunno je. Lgipn die pn xde lak tegur aku so maybe btul bkn die ataupn maybe die pn tkut slh orng mcm aku. Haha..

So, esk ley lh aku nula kn operasi membuat kuih aku. Oh, xlpe gak cupcake aku. Thun nie byk lak peminat mintak cupcake aku. Hehe.. Perasan. Sbrnrnya bru 2 orng je. Along and adik. Along ah ngada2. Nk decorate ltk nama gf die. Tpi xpe, aku charge die RM2 satu. Ok ah tu. Family nyer pasal so dh kasi discount ah tu.

Bila dipikir2 kn blik kn aku nmpk mcm sesuai je jdi businesswoman bkk bakery shop. Tpi enthlh. Ble orng tnye ble aku dh besar aku nk jdi ape? Aku jwb business. And ade 2 soalan yg dorng akn tnye ble aku kasi jwpn tu.
1) S: Nk bkk business ape?
A: Enthlh. Byk sgt rse nk bkk. So xdecide lgi.
2) S: Kalo nk jdi businesswoman, npe ambil bio??
A: Enth. Xtau ah.
Tu jelh soaln dorng. Mcm xde yg laen smpai aku pn dh ley hafal tau! Tpi soaln ke-2 yg pling xley blah, n yg pling aku terkedu. Xtau nk ckp ape. Mungkin mule2 nk jdi doc kot pastu tetbe ley lak tkut tgk darah n organ2. Bkn tkut tpi bnde2 tu bwat aku sakit perut semcm je. Pastu mse kecil2 aku ingt nk jdi cikgu. Yelh, cuti sme ngan pelajar. Byk gak cuti tu. Pastu ari guru dpt hadiah. Hehe.. Tpi ble dh bsr, tup tup.. tgk aku xde lngsung sifat nk mengajar orng sbb nk ikutkn byk btul formula aku cipta sendiri yg aku je paham n jwpn btul. Hehe.. Xcye?? Xcye tnye kwn2 aku. Xcye gak?? Xcye sudah! Nama kau dolah! Dah kau bley blah! Haha..