Acceptance

 I did not feel like I was moving on, not completely. There was a time when everything seems so hard and all I want to do was curl up on my bed, cry my heart out while listening to Taylor Swift. But there was a time when everything was okay and I started to see the 'reason' behind everything happen for a reason. 

Of course, it did not happen in one night. And it is not depending on how many years you were together. That was a myth. It happens slowly but surely. It is not easy. But you get through it somehow. 

I know I'm going to talk mostly about weddings here but that just because he pop out the question then maybe he got cold feet and run away, and ask me to forget all about it as if it was just a meaningless word. Yep, so casually cruel in the name of being honest.

I might move on but I never forget. This was one of the wounds that leave a deeper scar and they last they last.

On Angah's day, he said he will come. It was a day he could not miss as Angah was his friend too. Even though I did not put high hope, I still wish he will come. I wear my best outfit at that time. I was preparing myself to meet him. I kept texting him to update him. I'm searching for his familiar face. I texted and then I called. But everything was left unanswered. Even though I put my brave and happy face on, God knows I'm falling apart deep down inside. I never get even an apology or some petty excuses. I think that was the turning point. And that was the moment I knew.

On Nadh's day, I still hold on to his words. I still hope that everything will be fine again. I imagine this was could be us one day. It will be perfect and we look so happy. 

On Mai's day, I already let go of the idea of us but there was always this 'what if' lingering in my head. I still hope he changes his mind and that he would come back. He will say all the right things. He will be here... and I would've been so happy.

On Farah's day. Honestly, I did not feel anything. I no longer hope. I knew we never stood a chance and that we will never be meant to be together. And for the first time, I am fine with that. I started to see why it happen the way it happen. I started to accept, that everything happens for a reason. I can no longer picture us together again. That dream or imagine was just a pigment that was slowly fading away, blown by the wind. Yes, I do miss him, miss us, and that the flashback sometimes crept back. But it goes away as time goes by. And it didn't feel hurting like it was before. 

And I started to see changes in myself after I have redha with everything and accept for what it is. I no longer has to fake a smile or pretend that I was happy and that everything was fine. Now I could say I'm genuinely happy. Happy with my life, happy with the choice I made. I no longer force things and let everything run its course. If it is meant to be, it will be. I am starting to write again. Not a lot like before but one or two posts a month was enough. Getting my old self back was not easy, but I started to love every bit, piece of myself. I think for now that's what's matters.

To be married or living a happy single life, that's the question.

I believe everyone has a dream of how their wedding goes, what kind of dress that they will be wearing, what are the theme, where this wedding will be. And if you have a significant other, you will imagine him/her beside you and how will it be. I bet you will be set on what age will you get married.

The dream is a dream and the plan is a plan. Sometimes it did not go the way we hoped for. But sometimes it did. 

I always imagine I will get married when my age turns 25. Or the very least, 26 or 27. But guess what, I'm way past 25 and 26. It does not seem it will happen at 27. So I could say I can kiss that dream goodbye and never think about it. 

When he popped out the question and even though I never said yes. But we did talk about it, dream about it, and plan about it. For the first time in my life, I really thought that I did finally found the one and that I am going to spend my entire life with this person. It feel surreal and I was ready to give my all. But then, we were done and it is over. It recks me like the titanic ready to sink. I feel numb like I was in a cold sea, waiting to die like Jack Dawson. It was a really cold, painful, heartbreaking, and sad journey. Something that I hope I will never ever face again. Honestly.

It did turn me into a bit cold person but never was heartless. I believe that everyone is destined to be with someone. And maybe just maybe I will find the one that I have been looking for. The one who did not easily change his mind, the one who did not leave me thinking I did something wrong, the one who did not walk away when things get hard, complicated, and real, the one who walk the talk.

But then even if he never comes around. I think I will be okay if I'll end up alone. I mean a significant other doesn't change my value or define my life. If I'm not with someone doesn't mean that I'm not happy. I have these close friends, my lovely family, and a career that I enjoy. It is more than okay.

I had this 'coffee talk' with my mom. And for the first time, I say it out loud, I never know if I want to get married. I mean I could find someone on Tinder, I could boldly talk to Ashraf on this crazy scheme but then, the question is, was I ready or want to get married in the first place?

It was not that I still did not move on or recover from the last heartbreak. I mean I think I was still in the process. But then that was a petty excuse when the reality is that I do not know if I ever want to get married. 

Please don't feel sorry or pity for me. Just be happy for me. Not all the same. Some really want to get married. but did not find anyone yet. So they create this tinder account or sell themselves on social media just to get attention to those who are looking for someone as well. If it works for you, that's good. I won't judge anyone for their choice but I shouldn't have participated in things that are culturally expected for my generation. This isn't just a fit for my style.

I'm starting to readjust my thinking about relationships and what makes a happy life. I am focusing on myself to really evaluate what makes me happy in life. I want to be a better person. I want to focus on growing, traveling, soaking up all the wonderful life events without worrying about finding Mr. Right.

Maybe one day in the future I'll meet someone, they'll spark something in my soul. Maybe that fairy tale is out there for me. I'm not saying that I'm completely put high hopes on it. If it happens then I will be able to go into it with a clear head. I will have learned how to love myself know what I want and need in life. If it doesn't come I also won't be devastated. Perhaps it just isn't in my cards. I may end up with a few cats but it doesn't make me a crazy lonely cat lady. In the end, I will have lived a fulfilled life with no regrets. 

Hey, I don't know, maybe I end up alone but you know what, maybe that's okay. Just pray nice things for me, and just be happy for me for whichever choice that I choose.

Forgive yourself

 I believe that when you are on your own and you took some time to self-reflect, you realize that there a million stupid things you did and that oh-so-wrong decision. Seriously, what was I thinking? But then if you look back, it somehow makes you who you are today. This is when people say things happen for a reason even though you did not know what it was. But eventually, you do. 

Honestly, holding on to a one-sided relationship or friendship seems like an idiot move but that time you feel like this is that one person who understood me and then there are these memories that we had all this while. I can't just push aside and act as it did not exist. Cause it did. I hate when people said that every relationship or friendship has an expiry date cause I believe in forever and I am all for a long haul. But that's how life works and people are people, they are not bound to stay in one place. They grew apart and grew up. 

Letting go of a 15years of relationship was not easy but it was a thing that I know I had to do. I feel like I did not who I am anymore. I could feel little pieces of me being shredded and burn. The worst thing was that there is literally nothing I could do except stand and watch it burns. But after quite some time, you just grew tired with this shit and you start to look for a way out. You start to make a list of the staying and the leaving. And even though a part of you fighting to not let go but you did anyway. One day, when it decided, you just pack your things and leave a goodbye note. 

A few months was not easy, you start to battle with yourself again, that this was a wrong move at all. Who the fuck leaving more than a decade of relationship. Seriously! But you did. And slowly you start to pick some pace and move on. The 'he' just a figment of memory that exists at the back of your mind. Even though I like to go there sometimes just to reminisce but most of the time I was good. 

And it becomes even better when you start to forgive yourself. 

Forgive yourself for the wrong thing you did. Forgive yourself for that stupid decision you made. Forgive yourself for stay and holding on so long, thinking that someday he will change and realize. Forgive yourself for putting too much effort and hope into this sinking ship. Forgive yourself to look best on people even though they treat you like shit. Forgive yourself for leaving when it no longer serve you and make you happy. Forgive yourself for losing the best part of your old version. Forgive yourself for loving too deep and innocently. Forgive yourself for the wasted tears you shed in the middle of the night when the memories and flashback came creeping back. Forgive yourself for closing too many doors when you thought you had finally found the one.

But the most important thing, forgive yourself for not putting yourself first, not to love and cherish your own self as now you get a chance to do it. So cherish every bit of it. Life too short for this almost-uncertainty love. Open those door and your heart as great things awaits you in front. Good things take time, so trust His timing.

Ego for a reason

Everyone has their own ego that they try to hide or proud of it but mine... i just tried to control it so that it wont be more and neither would it be less.. 

I was never an ego person actually. Maybe i was but mine was not this strong. But lately i have been make it grow stronger. You see, for me ego is how i hide my true feeling. Whether it is hope or sad and it could be happy also. Ego was kinda like my shield, my superpower that i adore, that i rely on when things happen. But in here, in this post, i let my guard down, i lay my ego down, i let you see how vulnerable and bruise i was. 

Last Monday, i went to Muar with my mom. And mommy was like kept on asking about joe, was i told him i was here and do we wanna meet, and whatever. At first i was thinking not to because we know how it end up anyway. And i was right actually. I was so stupid for thinking that it might be different this time around. I did though text him saying i was there. I didnt asked if he wanted to meet, hoping that he's the one who would popped out the question instead me. He didnt even respond to any of my text. And honestly it kinda let me down a bit but i let my ego showed that i was fine with this. I lied to my mom that i didnt even text him at all but he did see my insta story but didnt even say anything at all which is true. 

And then yesterday i was chilling out with my mom. And she ask me about joe and i. And i told her the truth. That we were never declare anything, we didnt put a label on this relationship but we stick to be friends and go with the flow. I hated that actually. The 'go with the flow thing' even though i was the one who suggest it. Remind me to change it some where next year. Maybe to 'this ride has been nice but i dont see it go nowhere so here's to our goodbye'. There it goes, the ego again. 

Anyway, these talk, it make me realize that i shouldnt give a fuck about joe.. Honestly, all he ever did is disappoint me. I know he got some issue but i got mine also. Everybody has their own demon to fight with. And i am fucking tired. I wanna give up. I wanna give up with this stupid hope, this stupid fantasy and dream. Go to hell with all of this. I just wish he would also show some effort you know. There are million things he said that could make me murder him at that moment. But i didnt. Instead i forgive and forget. Because thats the thing we did to people we love right?? But everyone has a limit. And mine has reaching many many times but there also the catalyst to slow it down, to freeze it and to lower it. But really though, i should move on. 

I guess that is how the ego start to build up. Starting with cover up and to calm the heartache inside while the ego starting to grew. Each time it be hurt, ego was there to make it feel better. And i know for a fact that it has grew stronger and stronger because i could feel it slowly killing the hope and put the idea of nothing last forever, and at the end all you ever have is yourself. But love... love conquer all.. at the end love always win.. that is what that fairytales bullshit has been putting in our brain.. but the reality is, it just isnt.. this was not that prince and princess story.. this story does not have happy ending.. but maybe it did.. because she lost herself.. but once she let it go, she resurface and found herself... something like that phrase...

This is what it feels like

I guess this is what drug addict or smoker feels like. You know it was bad for you and you know you gotta stay the hell away from it for good but somehow there was the time when your heart desire for it, craving for it. And it makes you feel crazy for wanting it and battling it. Because you know it was bad for you but somehow you cant resist it. The adrenaline it give to you as it excites you or bring you to somewhere better than the reality itself. And you feel shiver because you know you cant have it. Because if you have it, it will ruin you all over again.

And that is exactly the picture that im having right now. The urge to text him and saying that im sorry and i wanna take it back whatever i said and i want us to be back as we were suppose to. But i know that if i did this. I will be ruin and completely lose myself. Because this is exactly what happen before this. I have this anger inside me and i burst it out to him and he act as he dont care and it is killing me inside of this silent treatment. So i smash all those bricks that i built for my wall. And i ran back to him and take back whatever i said and we were okay again. But it wasnt long until he did it again, until he hurt me and i was ruin all over again.

This is what it feels like to resist the feeling of going back to what ruin you and taste it for one last time. But there will be no next time. Because once you going back, you would never want to leave. You would want to stay there. Because to you it was your safe heaven, to you this is everything you ever want, to you, you just cant risk it and lose it again. You would want to stay even though you know that you will getting hurt again. 

I kept on reminded myself that i need to go on. I need to leave, to go away. It wasnt his fault and it wasnt mine. It just not meant to be. And fixing it just going to make it worse. Because you will lose yourself and getting hurt and somehow you will get use of the pain that slowly make you feel numb. I keep reminded myself that i need to leave because i have love to much and hate too much and i shouldnt hate him. I should love him and keep on loving him. They said if you love something, you need to let go. And it is true. Because one day you looking back and you would remember all those happy loving memory of you and him and reason why you love him. Thats why you need to leave while you still love him and hold on to those happy memories that once you both shared. 

This is what it feels like but it was nothing like drugs or cigarettes because i dont think so there are happy loving moment with those items because those are are not person obviously. But thats how it feels like.  Thats exactly what i feels like. I feel like the need to check myself in a rehab or go to support group or something. But i guess for now i just have to deal with it, let it flow, let time heals and keep on reading that motivation book about moving on that i once read when i broke up with ashraf. But this is a friend breakup which was much more worse than a breakup itself. But i get through this. I will get through this.

Action speak louder than words

''People will not always tell you how they feel, but they will show you. Pay attention.''

- Anonymous

I came across this words and fell in love with it in a second. Cewah ayat.. Mcm jatuh cinta kt manusia lah. Lols.

But its true. People not always going to tell how they really feel inside instead they show you through their action.  

For example, our significant other maybe tak slalu say 'i love you' or 'i miss you' tpi dia tunjuk semua tu melalui cara dia layan korng or tnye korng psl hari korng lah apalah. They cared so much just that the ego probably just block it. Tapi takpelah. Janji dorng care kan. Drpd dorng buat dek lantak korng lah. Ok maybe some people tak prefer bnde ni semua. Dorng more to say it so i know it or see it. Sbb kdg2 ckp kias2 ni ssh. It got double meaning that could lead to misunderstanding. Got ah what i mean? Ke i pun dh ada double meaning smpai korng confius. Hmm...

Or when your 'someone' seems to act like they so cool with everything. What they meant was that i really dont care whatever you did. Nothings interest me. But im just too polite to say it. So i will ignore you and hopefully you get it someday. Manusia mcm ni mmg nk kene maki sebenarnya. Bcoz sometime word do important. Like kalo kau tak minat dia, stop give hope. Say it. Be honest. Be a man. Hidup tu jangan nk pengecut sgt boleh tak?? And kita ni.. Apa yg kita tunggu sebenarnya? Some stupid miracle to happen? New flash, it wont. So just move on. Whats meant for us will always come back. Seriously, tunggu dia mcm tunggu malaysia ni nk ada 4 musim ok. Bukan 4 musim olok2 mcm kt mana tu ek. Ni 4 musim mcm negara yg ada 4 musim lah. Sgt waste of time. Move on. Get a life girl.

And lagi satu, i tak phm kalo i dh bwat dek tu maksudnya please leave me alone lah kan. Jap, ni bukan sama dgn situasi kt atas ok. Ni dimana maybe orng tu obviously u guys tak ske. Pastu dia mcm acah baik lah, like konon bajet nk ambik yg jernih buang yg keruh. Piuuiihhh.. Please lah. I ni satu je, kalo hati dh tawar, bwat lah apa pun blum tentu i nk impress.. The only thing you will get is me making face like im disgust with your presence. Nk fake pun rasa mcm sia sia. Nk ckp pun rasa mcm alahai... Kang ada yg kene maki kang. Sbb i ni mmg kalo tak ske sgt ssh untuk berbudi bahasa.. Hahaha... So better through action jelah. Pastu kau tu takyah lah nk gedik tunjuk baik. Eh i takde masa lah nk layan you. Buang masa je tau. Baik i layan orng gila kt sana tak pun orng gelandangan. Lgi mulia. Ni feeling2 baik lah gitu. Hahahaha...

You deserve more

Trust me on this, if it hurts you more than it makes you happy, leave, move on. You deserve lots more. You dont deserve this. Sitting next to the telephone, hoping that he/she would call. Or you did something just to get their attention but all you get was nothing coz they never care, they never notice. You are young, pretty and reckless. Life is short. Dont waste it on that particular person. I know it was a bit confusing like whether you should hold on or let go. Bear this in mind, whatever meant to be yours, will always come back no matter what. Just have faith.

I've been in this kind of situation twice i think. It took me quite a long time to realize that I don't deserve this. That i should have leave when nothings left here for me to hold on to. Yeah, of course there's this thing we called memory. But that just it. A memory that i kept close to my heart. Yeah maybe what we had was amazing but that was like a long time ago. He was not the same person i knew 10 years ago and we were never be the same anymore. There's are no point to pretend like nothing was wrong when everything is falling apart actually.

I guess the only reason why i stay and hold on all this time was because i thought that maybe this time around it will be different. But i was the foolish of them all. Yeah, everything was different, everything changing. And i tried to make things like it used to be. But after awhile, it just didn't feels right, like i am forcing things to happen like i want it to. So i stopped. After all, im the only who tried hardest to make things stay and not to fall apart. You see, it should be both sided. If he/she really loves you or want to be with you, they will try their best too. Both of you will try your best to make your relationship better and stronger. It wasnt suppose only one sided who did more.

And i've been losing myself as i chasing him and as i try to make things work. I become the person i swore i never be. I let him pull me down and drown me over and over again. I guess that what love did to you. It blind you and let the people that you love hurt you. It was like you addicted to their presence as if it was a drug. But somehow when enough is enough, and you realize that you deserve whole lot more, you will slowly let go and move on and searching for your own lost soul, your old self. But of course, at first it will feel hard. You will have doubt, you will think of the 'what if'. It feels hard to move on and let go and to mend the broken heart. Nothing was ever easy in this life. If it was easy, that was not life. Maybe you in other world or something. Believe me, slowly, when the time come, you will move on, you will realize that why you had to leave in the first place and you start to question and debate how foolish you are that time. But all and all, you will feel relieve and glad. And who knows, you finally met the one and you lives happily ever after.

Nope. It only happen in fairy tales or movie. But maybe it could happen to you. Maybe but im skeptical. Lols. 

So, look back and think. Do you deserve this or not? Are you happy or not? Do you want to hold on or let go? It was all up to you. But remember like i said in the beginning. If it make you sad more than it make you happy, then let go. Its okay to leave and move on because you deserve more, you deserve better than this. And when you leave, never had second thoughts and never looking back. Focus on yourself and be happy and chasing the dreams and do whatever hell you wanted to do. There are more in this life and life is just too short to be miserable. Be happy and love yourself. :)

I am grateful that somehow i had a wake up call and realize that i dont deserve this, i deserve more. I am happy with my life now, at least i try to be. But im keeping myself super busy so i wont think about him a lot these day. Slowly i am move on and let go. Everything takes time. Im still in process of healing my wounded heart and get over him. But all in a good favor i hope. :)

Finding myself

A long time ago, i promise myself that i wont feel what i feel when i was with ashraf. I promise i wont be that person anymore. But little did i know, i was becoming that person again. Funny how we always said we wont be that person but we end up be anyway.

An old friend of mine dlu pernah tegur yg i dah lain sekrng. And i tnye lah, berubah ke arah baik ke buruk. Dan dia ckp tak tau. Yg pasti dlu i rock sket. I tak kisah apa orng ckp. I ikut rules i sendiri. Tpi sekrng ni.. hmm.. mungkin dh ke arah muslimah kot. I gelak je. Yelah, dia ckp i berubah ke arah muslimah. Lawak hambar ok. I dont think so i berubah ke arah tu. Yg i tau sekrng ni.. i tak tau apa yg i rasa.. I feel numb.

Tapi lepas fkir apa yg dia ckp tu, betulah. I mmg dh berubah pun. I tak macam dlu. I dh tak buat bnde yg i selalu buat lagi dh. Dlu i ske buat lyrics or poem. I parodi kn lagu dgn lirik2 i based on apa yg i rasa. But now i dh tak buat lagi dh. I even dont know where to begin. Dlu i tak kisah pun apa orng ckp. Tpi sekrng i kisah wlaupun kalo tgk dri segi luaran mcm i tak kisah je but deep down inside, i care. Dlu i tau bila masa untuk angkat kaki and blah. But now i stay and hold on and maybe hope for some stupid miracle to happen. Dlu i sentiasa biar someone text i dlu unless if i need to ask anything then baru i text. Now, im the one to start and im the one who get hurt at the end when being ignore. Dlu ego i tinggi tpi still lah ada masa i reti gaklah rendah2 kn. But now, dia sgt2 rendah like rasa nya dh nk smpai 0 darjah or maybe negatif.

I always held my head high. Wlaupun i jenis pompuan yg always rasa diri dia right tpi ada masa i ngaku gak lah i salah. But now, i always put the blame on me and i feel like i had the wrong answer all the time.  And i let people hurt me over and over again until i feel like im getting use of the pain, the pretending, the faking and somehow it eating me alive like a parasite.Baru sekrng i tau npe i gelak laen, just the way i act is different than before. Serious dlu mana ada i gelak mcm tu. Gelak i normal je. Even my evil laugh was not that evil, it was more to pretending evil laugh. I guess, most of the time i ketawa sbb nk lupa kan rasa luka dan kecewa yg ada dalam diri ni. And beside, laugh make me forget the pain or the problem i had that time. The evil laugh just an act to cover up all the bruise. Lgi ganas i ketawa meaning that the pain is deeper or korng nyer joke mmg lawak gila babeng. Either way. But mostly it just an act.

Enough is enough. I penat dh chasing people, fighting for people di mana at the end i yg kecewa, i yg sakit hati. I penat hold on. I penat tipu diri i yg everything going to be okay. I penat tunggu sesuatu yg belum pasti. I penat rasa sedih, rasa kecewa, rasa marah. And how now i ingt i ada special bonding ngan someone sbb tu selama ni i pertahankan. But sadly, i je yg rasa mcm tu. I je penat tunggu, penat fighting. I rasa dh tiba masa untuk i lepaskan segalanya yg tarik i ke bwah. Its time for me to let go, to move on, to be really really happy and to find myself back.

2016

I didnt plan on making any goals or resolutions for this year sbb ada potential untuk i bwat sgt sgt lah rendah. Beside i might gonna forget about it after a few months. Semangat dia awal2 je. Last2 end up bwak ke thun depan gak. And the cycle repeating. So whats the point kan?

For this 2016, i hope i graduate on time and i hope i become happier and more positive. Not that i dont. I want to focus more on myself and pleasure myself and put myself first and make myself happy. Point dia self love lah and focusing more on myself. Tu je. And hoping that whatever accidents come on my way will be happy ones. And i want to go travel, see the world and live my life to the fullest. Thats all.

And tak dilupakan juga yang aku, tahun ni..

Ok. Happy new year korng. :) Whatever u set your goals is for this year, i hope it goes well and u achieve it. Take care and be happy, be your own self. :))

PS: Maaf entry tahun baru pendek gle nk mati. Mcm tak semangat je smbut thun baru. Haha.. Ala, kalo i tulis pnjg2 pun bkn korng nk baca pun kan. At least ada something kn. * angkat kening

Nothing feels right

"Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements even if it's leads no way?"

I battle myself with these kind of question each day. To be honest, i dont know if i should stay or leave. The heart just want what it wants. Dlu, i pernah gak let go and move on. But it never lasted even a month. I started crawling back and texted joe. I miserable sgt. I feel like i couldnt live without him. It was like as if he was my crystal meth that i couldnt resist. Im addicted to him. Sbb tu i make my mind to stay this time. What happens happen. I xmenaruh harapan tinggi. Like ada jodoh, ada lah kn. I feel happy bcoz he makes me happy. But it didnt last long. Bcoz i started to question myself again.

Smpai bila nk mcm ni? Smpai bila nk stay mcm ni? Its not about i feel like wasting my time or opportunity or whatever. It just that i rasa, what if all this time i was waiting for a reason to leave? I start fkir bnde ni semua sejak kt Bidong pastu balik ni ha. Bkn sbb i ada crush kt classmate i tu ke apa. I dh move on kot. I dont date my own classmate and people yg sama course and i. And i was determine tok dpt jodoh kt johor, JB to be specific. I tau cita2 tinggi sgt. And joe seems like a perfect candidate for me. Kte pun dh kenal lama. Tpi maybe mcm joe ckp, kenal lama dah, elak jodoh je. He was right though. That was we suppose to do. Avoiding being together romantically. I mean look at us joe. We are distance. You were there and i was here. Or you were here and i was there. We both ego and so hard headed. We couldnt be together. We shouldnt be together. 

Aritu i attend one of my sedara nyer majlis tunang. I used to love engagement and wedding so much. But this time around, bkn i xske. I rasa sesak sgt. As if i didnt belong there. As if i need to be somewhere else better than here. I xtau lah sbb panas ke, psl rmai orng ke, psl crowded ke. But i rasa mcm nk jerit je. I need to be away. Maybe it was a sign kot. And i texted joe. Normally i fhm dia busy n all. I still fhm cme i just nk dia balas msg i yg tu je. Xnk borak ngan i pun xpe. Just reply. If i sambung n start a conversation, its ok to ignore me and left me hanging. Im used to it. It wasnt the first time you know. 

I was actually planning to move on and let go by new year or next year if joe didnt confess his feeling to me by the end of december or new years eve. But that was 3 months later. So i told myself that if joe didnt reply until tomorrow, thats it, im leaving. And now its been almost 3 days. Maybe my wishes did come true. After all, i was the one who wished that he wil ignore me and be gone like he used to back then. Bcoz it was easier that way. I didnt feel guilty or any kind of feeling, After all he was the one who pushed me away and i will eventually disappeared. 

I never had a long conversation with a guy before other than joe. Ashraf was different sbb we had a history back then. But seriously, he make me realize that i deserve someone better. Dia xckp apa pun. Kteorng just borak tah pape. Psl joe pun ada. He called him complicated sbb masa tu i ckp yg its complicated ble dorng tnye psl status i. He doesnt know joe real name or anything. After all, i kept joe a secret from everybody bcoz he was something i was unsure about. I xberani ckp lebih. But somehow he did, make me realize that i deserve someone better, that joe and i was simply mmg xde jodoh. 

 

Or maybe it was all just a sign. But seriously though, i think this time around it was a real deal. Nothing feels right anymore. Im letting go. Im tired of holding on to something that didnt exist anymore. Im not giving up. Im just letting go. We both have change. Maybe few years ago, it seems like we look perfect for each other. But not now. I dont know what the future hold for us. All i know was now. And for now, i let go the feelings but i will stay friends with joe bcoz he was my best friend first and i want to keep that way. I want my bestguyfriend back. All these feeling just messed us up so i think we should just let go and move on. See where it goes. I xde dh berpegang pada ada jodoh, ada. I redha. Kte mmg xde jodoh, joe. And i harap u jumpa someone better than me and she makes you happy and that you happy. Tu yg pling pnting. I will always love you joe. I really do. And you will always have a special place in my heart no matter what. But it just not meant to be. For now, i need to find my inner strength and of course keeping myself busy. 

Im not okay. But i will be. Im gonna be okay. Just give me a time. :)

To people who being let down by other people

After awhile, i learn that people will eventually come and go in your life. What you had now you may or may not going to have in next 10 years or 10 year ago. I mean, you met new people everyday throughout your journey. Some just to say hello and some will stay and knew you quite well. Either way. And then there are those people in your past. Who you know them too well. Who you had shared a laugh, a smile or even shed some tear together. But people change to someone they never say they will ever be or maybe they change to someone they are suppose to be. 

I hates goodbye. I truly truly hate it. I even hate break up and separation or anything in between. But that's life. Like i say people come and people go in our life. And we will face it throughout our life. That is why we need to learn how to let them go. If they meant for us, they come around. I know the heart break was suck but its okay. Cry until there are no tears streaming down, screaming until you lost your voice, curse or whatever to fill the satisfaction. Do anything to make you feel better again. But whatever it is dont you ever lose yourself. Dont you ever give up. I know its going to feel like the end of the world. Life suck but that's life. Boo-hoo! Suck it up. Be a man. 

I lost a few people in my life. Friends, foes or families. Some i was glad i finally walk away with but there are some that i wish i could fix it. But honestly there was nothing i could do except accept what it is and let them go. I could blame everyone around me like i always do but that wont make them come back. I could even blame myself. But it just the way it is. So, I just wish them the best and may Allah protect them and ease them in everything they do.

The past, they teach me lot of things. One of it was learn to let people go. And believe that whatever happen, its cool. If it meant to be, they come around eventually. Just like Joe. Well, i didnt meant the romantically. I value our friendship even more than the feeling i had towards him. He's my best guy friend, he was my soulmate, he was a part of me. I do not know what kind of love i had towards him but i do love him very much and if i ever need to lose him, at least make me sure that there are someone who was nice to take good care of him coz he could be handy, complicated and egoistic. Who could ever stand that? I sendiri pun rasa mcm nk hempuk je kepala dia tu kekadang. (Nnti raya i mintak maaf kutuk u kt blog i tau. Haha..) Looking back i never could believe that i am here right now, surround myself with awesome and lovely people who love me. 

Whatever rubbish and merepek-ness i ckp kt atas tu. Point is, life is hard and they could be an asshole or a bitch sometime. But dont ever give up. Stand up tall and show that you are strong and powerful. And it was okay to feel weak or needy or shed a few tears. Its alright okay. Pick some powerful anthem song to give you some mood and energy. And in life you will meet lots of people that going to help you and also to bring you down. You going to meet lots kind of people. If you ever been backstabber, well, STAB THEM BACK!!! In front. With your blade of glory, your gunshot of succeed and bomb of happiness and smile gases. That will kill them. And if you ever been leave, its okay. Let them go. You will meet someone even better in the future. Insyallah. Trust me. And who knows, if it meant to be, they will come back, if they meant for you, they come around. Be patient. Just enjoy the roller-coaster called life. And always always bear in mind that whatever happen, its cool. 

“Allah knows who belongs in your life and who doesn’t. Trust and let go. Whoever is meant to be there, will still be there.”

—	(via islamicrays)

Turning Point

Aku rasa dlm kehidupan ni, semua orng akan alami turning point di mana ia akan menguji tahap mentaliti kita. And that time kita akan sgt alone. It was like u were alone even in the crowded room. And masa tu mmg rasa mcm xde sapa yg bley bantu kita kecuali diri kita sendiri. Kita yg kene hadapi. Kita yg kene cari solution. Dan kita lh yg kene pick up diri kita yg fragile and broken nie. Kita yg kene bangkit. Be strong and fight this. And this is where we start to be mature, to change the way we sees things.

Semlm aku lepak ngan dila. Mcm2 gak lah kteorng borak. Smpai lah kteorng borak all those thing that happen last year, 2014.

2014 was the year where aku and dila, masing2 alami turning point. Aku pun xsangka dia pun alami gak. Ingt aku sorng je. Serious dowh. Masa dia ctetu. I was like Ya Allah, aku pun alami bende sama kot tahun tu. And so she told hers and i told mine. Cme kat sini xperlu lah nk cte detail sgt kn.

Last year was like the worst year ever. Serious. Smue nyer start drpd aku gduh ngan joe, kinda breakup so-called, pastu dgn nenek sakit n perangai sekor2 mula tunjuk taring. Aku alami depression kot tahun tu. And i am not making up story. This is the true story.

Tau x simptom utama orng depress apa? Suka menyendiri. Ye, itu aku untuk beberapa bulan tu. Aku ske menyendiri. Most of the time aku akan off fon. Atau aku akan silent kn group2 whatsapp smue. Dan aku ske menyendiri. Yg paling teruk ble aku dh xlalu nk mkn. Aku lgi ske menyendiri, baring kt katil tu, dgr smue lagu sedih, pastu nangis. Ye, itu aku masa itu. Parents aku pun nmpk perubahan aku. Sbb aku tolak smue mknan favourite aku. Aku xde selera lngsung nk mkn. Aku xnk keluar. Aku nk menyendiri je. I shut myself out. Of course they worried and they try to help me. Asking whats wrong and all. Tpi mestilah aku ckp aku okay. Ble sem dh start and aku blik ukm. Lgilah teruk. Sbb wlaupun ada roomate tpi xde orng ble tgk2 kn aku smue mcm kt rumah. Aku mmg kuat menyendirilah. Xbyk ckp mcm selalu. I spent a lot of my time lay on my bed, do nothing and cry at night. Roomate aku pun nmpk perubahan aku. Masa tu aku rasa mcm untuk hilangkn sakit nie baik mati je lh. Tpi sebaiklh iman aku nie kuat lgi, akal aku masih panjang. Kalo x aku xde lagi dh kt dunia nie. Aku pernah gak tfikir nk merokok tok ilang rasa sakit. Tpi aku xbwat smue tu. Tu bukan cara dia. It just didnt feel right to do all of this just to erase all the pain that cant be erase. Aku ada ramai kwn n aku bley je cte kt dorng tpi aku rasa beban and yeah i wanna be alone.

Pastu aku dpt wake up call. Aku xbley hidup mcm nie. Aku kene bangkit. Aku kene kuat hadapi bende ni smue. And all this time i was looking on the false path. Aku bkn perlukn seseorng. Aku hanya perlukn DIA. DIA yg sentiasa ada bersama hambanya. DIA yg selalu dgr semua rintihan aku, yg selalu perhatikn gerak geri aku. Allah is a great listener. Aku hanya perlu kembali ke jalan DIA. Mungkin selalma ni aku lalai dgn kehidupan di dunia. Mungkin aku dah semakin jauh dri DIA. Mungkin sbb tu DIA turunkn ujian untuk aku. Supaya aku dekatkn diri aku blik kt DIA. Dan alhamdulilah, sekrng nie aku rasa lebih tenang dan redha dengan segala ketentuan DIA. Then borak ngan Dila semlm. Dila ckp sebenarya jiwa and rohani kita ni yang kosong. Betul lh tu apa dia ckp. Alhamdulilah. My life been better.  Tpi mestilah ada masa tu ada down gak smue tu. But i think positive. And i be okay. :)

 

Tpi aku xsangka yg most of my story akan2 sama ngan dila. Mungkin sbb tu aku selesa borak ngan dia. Sbb dia pun alaminya, dia akan fhm. Depression tu aku n dila mmg lalui tpi mungkin penyebab dia laen. But we both lose someone we love, a best friend. Kteorng xfall pada orng yg sama ye. I met him. Dia sama ngan matriks aku dulu. And dila never met joe. He exist only in my story now. Aku bkn delusion ok. Family aku smue dh jumpa joe. And i met his. Tpi sekrng nie dia nk berubah. Dan mungkin aku pun perlu berubah. Ke arah kebaikan lah of course. Kteorng xpernah declare pape maybe sbb dua2 rasa its not a right time. Aku rasa bende tu actually sbb tu aku xkisah, aku xpaksa. Aku pun rasa belum tiba masanya lagi. For now i need him to focus in his change, in his life, his goal. And i need to focus in mine. Kalo ada jodoh, adalah kn. Kalo xde, aku percaya Allah dah set from the top yg lebih baik untk aku. Insyallah.

2014 :)

2013 had taught me lots of things. The true enemy. The figuring out urself. The changes. The love. I meet lots of new people along the way. I met my fellow new classmate, azmil, clone joe, faris, mastura.. yeah.. lots. I make lots of memorable moment too which some i already conclude in my previous previous blog.

But to sum it all.. i think 2013 had taught me that 'pain change people'. In this world we never escape from being judge. Ive been judge a lot. There was one time that they judge me so bad i feel like i wanna cry. And to make things worst, joe wasnt around when i need him. I lost all my mood and i just shut everyone out including my family. Like my parents keep on asking whats wrong but i just say nothing when everything was wrong crossing on my face. I think my dad knew but he know that i need some space. So he didnt say a thing. I did cry actually. But it was the very last one. I mean for those mean people. I mean i shouldnt cry bcoz of the shit they say bcoz they are full of shit and they are just like shit. Sorry for swearing too much. And trust me i feel lot better after that cry. I pull myself back and i told myself that i prove them that they were wrong. That i shouldnt give a damn of what they said. Thats why im start the figuring out things. And after a while i realize it was never for them. It was for me. And it feels good. It does. Im happy with myself. Im accepting the changes.

So, 2014 huh? Happy new year btw.

This year im planning to being open. Im done figuring out. I mean i think for now i accept myself. I love myself. Yeah, im not perfect. And i love my imperfection. This is me for a while. And im not changing it. Not even a bit. For now lah. Being open was meant that i open my mind and my heart and my soul eventhought this sentence seem a little bit weird. Nevermind.

Open mind is where i accept what people saying. The -ve and the +ve. And if it was -ve, just let those shit out of my mind. But if it was the +ve, lets keep them in ourself. Open mind is open minded. So, i shouldnt really judge people just bcoz they are different. Different make them unique. And who know they were good hearted eventhought their appearance was like that. I mean, i deal with this before. Look does not define personality. Or maybe someday they change. It just a matter of time.

Open heart is where i open my heart to people. Not all people okay. Certain. Hehe.. I knew the promise i make to joe blah blah blah.. i still hold on it. But if im gonna fall in love with someone along the way, so be it. This time around i wanna keep things low and au natural. I wanna things to go with the flow. Im done planning.And who would ever thought that i meet my other half if joe wasnt the one for me lah. Or i just meet someone. Who knew right.

Open soul. This one is a bit blur.. but for all i know.. i want to learn new things, make mistake and fall in love. explore the world. be good and do good deeds. do lots of crazy things. be fearless. and be myself. I had my anthem songs now.. so i will be okay :)

oh. one thing.. maybe i should stop rely on joe too much. maybe this around i should be independent coz maybe one day he wont be there. for me.

Good time

So, remember faris? That senior classmate of mine? Yg slalu hntr i blik lepas abis class cina? Yeah.. we went out just now. Dia tnya i dah mkn ke blum. Mmg blum pun. Tpi i x expect lak dia nk ajak kluar mkn. Sbb before this pun dia pernah tnya tapi tnya jelah. So, this time around i pun x expect pape lah. But then dia ajak kluar. I was like.. seriously? But yeah, we went out. Mkn kt kedai ayam penyet je. But ayam penyet dia sedap. Lgi sedap drpd yg kt wangsa walk tu. Mula2 mcm xnk lah sbb i rasa ayam penyet tu xsesuai dgn tekak i. Tpi dh orng ajak xkn nk say no lak. Rezeki tu. Dont blow away ur chance nasuha. But this one was okay. Bukan sbb i kluar ngan dia everything was okay okay? The fact that tempat tu mmg okay okay.

Mcm2 gak lak borak. I got to know about his family, about his life, his background. Sharing2 cte hantu. It was great. And who would ever thought dia pun minat kartun. Jarang jumpa laki minat kartun. Even my bro n cousin pun kurang. So, it was nice to meet someone yg ada interest mcm kita and talkactive and good listener. It was good.

Dont get a wrong assumption. Xspecially u farah. haha.. we just friend. trust me on this one. i mean i got a little bit crush on him. No doubt. But a crush is a crush. For now, i am try my hardest to let go this feeling i had on joe.

Yeah, joe text i aritu. X, i text dia. Dia bls esok harinya. But it was nice to talk to him. No, it was good. It was better actually. Bcoz this time around he be himself. The old him. My pentol. Lama gaklah kitaorng borak. Dh lama xborak mcm tu. So somehow terubat sket lah rindu tu. Then ter deep sket conversation dia.. Haha.. i n joe kn. mana ley lari dripd soal itu.

Remember when i want someone to make me feel those butterfly in the tummy, and heart beat fast and cloud 9 thingy. I still feel those with joe. But i try my hardest not to. Bukan apa.. i takut.. i takut i berhrp sgt then things didnt happen like i hope so and i heart broken pastu bukak lagu patah seribu.. kn ssh. the thing about me is that i was so hard to fall in love with someone. But when i fall, i fall hard. Serious, i rasa lepas ashraf, joe lah orng yg i btul2 ske. It wasnt crush anymore. Yg laen tu just a crush je. I wish i didnt have emotion... haha... but that was impossible right? But serious.. what if..

Nah.. life without emotion xbest. mcm mana nk nanges tgk titanic lepas nie? or happy bila tgk a really good movie.. kn2?

I ada terpkir lah what if one day joe bgitau i dia met someone, yg dia going to get marry. I know i be heartbroken. But i be okay. I know i will.. It will be so bloody hard but i will make it through it somehow. I will. In Sya Allah. :))

Do what you love

I think being happy is when you did things that you love, make decision that you want and let your mind free.


I had an argument with muiz a few months ago about do things that you love. He thinks thats a bullshit. He said nowadays people didnt do what they love anymore. It was all about grab an opportunity whether you like it or not. And i think that just bullshit. I think people should do what they love. I mean if you didnt love it, you will do it without sincere and the result will be no good. Trust me. I know nowadays things are hard. Chances are slim. But somehow we find our ways to catch our dream and we will figuring out. Thats the best thing being young, wild and free.. Nope.. mmg xde kene mengene.. But think again, will you do things that you love or will you do because thats people told you so? Will you be happy with it?

I know im not. Remember when my mom was a bit freak out about marine science bcoz my oh-so-great (this is sarcasm) aunty told her that i wont be getting a job in the future, (dafuq?!) and my mom insist wanted me to go msu? i know i love marine, and thats what my dream was, so i talk her down slowly. abah was fine. he understand me the most. daddy's little girl kan.. haha.. so yeah, i talk to her and now here i am, standing still with marine. and trust me it was so interesting drpd tgk gigi kuning or mayat. who would have know that there are lots of colourful animalia in the deep sea. Besar kn kuasa Allah tu. Mashallah. And thats the reason why i took marine. I want to discover the sea that mostly people didnt aware with. I nk tgk kebesaran Allah itu. Alhamdulilah, will go to mersing next week. Cant wait! Haha.. And trust me, im happy with what im doing now, something that i love and it was the best decision i ever made.

And when i make my mind about joe. It was actually good. Maybe this is it. I feel free. I feel like i really did enjoy my life to the fullest. I wanted to do all those adventurous fearless thing. And i am grateful for where i am right now. I was grateful i choose this life. I mean my relative like napa xambik kt penang tu. jauh lah best. nie dekat je. And i was like, wth, lantaklah, idup aku kn. lu sape macai? (dlm hati je). instead i say, kt penang bukan course yg nk, kalo dpt kt sabah, xyah pkir 2 3 kali, i take it man. But actually wherever we are, as long as we can adapt there, we will survive. and as long as we did things we love, we will be happy with whatever we are doing.. trust me..

So, guys, i want you to do things that you love. and if you lose hope, take a deep breath, istighfar byk2, solat ke, insyallah Allah will lead us on the right path. Allah always be there for us. Tapi jgn lak lepas tu lpe daratan! Ucap alhamdulilah syukur in everything good going on in ur life. If it was bad, just say inalilah. Like i say before, if you wanted to do this thing, just go and do it. Be fearless and take chance. Be happy! Dont live in regrets. Believe that things happen for a reason. Shit happen. But dont lose hope. be happy guys and gudluck in whatever you do.. :)

Different

Joe text me a week ago.. I thought i was dreaming. I mean i do have that dream. But no.. this time its true.. he text me.. so yeah..

My first reaction.. i was surprise.. i wait 3 month and when i almost let it be, he came.. and somehow.. deep down inside me.. i was screaming.. just let me go joe.. just let me lose hope on you.. bcoz now my heart is torn apart. and now he's gone again.. it was like those conversation never happen..

And for the first time, i just feel tired of waiting. I feel like i had enough with ashraf dulu. I dont want to be in that situation again. It so tiring. It was like waiting for rain on drought season. It was wasting and pointless. i really do tired and i know u guys can feel it too by counting how many tired word i've been type.

So yeah, we talk and it was so short that it break my heart a little coz i miss him so bad and i just thought i could talk to him a bit longer. And then when i text him on other day, he didnt reply. It hurt actually. But later he text me. We talked. This time longer a bit. But it wasnt the same.

I told farah about this coz i am confuse with what i feel or think. And she ask me did joe text me differently or is it the same. I dont know actually. Coz i try to deny it. And now i realize. He's different. Yeah, i know he's change. Its good. Im proud of him. But the way he talk, he just different. i miss the way you talk to me, i miss the way you teasing me, and the most part is that i miss you call me pentol. you different now. 

Ive been thinking lately about how i feel and thoughts are. And i dont think i can do it. Im sorry. I just tired of waiting. And with you like this. Im not a mind reader joe. Im tired of figuring and assuming and hoping. Im just done.

Im not saying goodbye. You are forever is my friend. You like the big brother i never had. the guy friend i never had this long. it just that..

'you taught me how to trust myself. and so i say to you this is what i have to do. coz i dont know how i am without you. all i know is that i should. and i dont know if i could stand another hand upon you. all i know is that i should. coz she would love you more than i could. she who dares to stand where i stood. '

And i just feel like i need to really live without you. Its not that i didnt been through it. 3month you gone like that, leave me thousand of questions. But this time i just need to focus more on my life and goals rather that asking myself why you left and act this way. To be honest, i guess the reason why i ask you to let me go is probably i already adapt myself living without you. or maybe bcoz now i know that you left not bcoz of my wrong doing. i mean, who knew. i never realize my mistake somehow. and i've been join choir and theater club and having new friends, it just somehow make me forget a bit about this heart acne and the missing i feel. i choose to be happy instead. and its good. 

u had your alone time. now its time for me to had my own space. thanks joe, for everything. really.

Rescuing

So, i was so bored and browse into youtube. Yeah, my life was pretty bored this past few weeks sbb xbyk assignment kot and kalo ada pun, im to lazy.. haha.. i am a fan of yuna. so, ble nmpk ada lgu or vid dia yg baru, mesti ah tgk kn.. so i listen to rescue song and i love it. i mean it was something i need it when i lose hope on life somehow. okay, mcm laen mcm je ayat tu. nevermind.

Like i say in  my previous post, i will be okay. and after listen to this song, i was better.

Like the lyrics, i do feel alone sometime. i feel like i wanna talk to someone but when i had, i just didnt feel like it. i just maybe need someone to be there only. they not necessary need to hear my story. I need to listen any crap they say and laugh out loud. so that i could forget what ever bad things in my life for a bit.

And i know that i always took granted on things and people. The things is i always thought they wont leave especially those who have been with me long enough that i put lots of trust and hope. Just like the girls.. just like joe.. i know my girl wont leave. you wont leave me right? haha.. you guys like a sister to me. i love you guys a lot. and joe... thanks for once being there for me.

I think lately nie i just love being alone. I feel like mai.. haha.. sorry mai.. no, i got friends in most class im in. i meet new people, making new friends. but sometime it feel good to be alone. like when i had different class with my roomate so i had to go alone. and somehow it feel really good. like i was spend time with me. and i really did kiss my fears goodbye. i mean, dlu i xske be alone. like i couldnt be alone. i need someone to company me. i feel weird everytime i be alone. everybody watching. it is not a best feeling. but now, i didnt care. i love being alone. im and independent babeh.. haha..

so yeah, i will be okay. i dont need rescuing. i'll be okay. :)