white carriage and getaway car

I attended Yanie's wedding last month. And this was my first time attend to a wedding of my UKM's classmate. I missed out on Anis's wedding few years back sebab i tgh bercuti time tu. And since i takde pape and my parents pun ikut join sekali gi wedding yanie, why not kan.. Aww... dua classmate i, mariners dah kahwin.  Really happy for both of them.. Tapi tulah bila tgk orng kahwin rasa diri ini pun nk kahwin gak.. hahaha.. tapi tak salah kan... lols.. But seriously i had this kind of feeling lately bila i tgk orng yg i kenal kahwin.. mcm nk kahwin gak tapi tulah takde calon.. huhuhu.. and maybe ada calon tu tpi i nak dia, dia yg tak tau nk i ke tak.. hahaha.. lols..

Anyway, I always fantasize that by the age of 25th, i should have settle down. I should met a man that i want to spent my whole life with. And well, we not lived happily ever after but we just happy with each others. We fight, we make out, me support each other, we be there for each other. The one that i could share everything with and accept me for who i really am. And maybe sbb tu tahun 2019 ni i mcm anxious sikit sebab yelah i 25 ye tahun ni. I was supposed to get married this year. But i guess it wont be happening anytime soon and i will be missed out my own wedding i guess.

After joe asked that question last 2 year, jujur i ckp a part of me was very happy, a part of me could see that everything that i dream finally came true, a part of me was fantasize and planning. But then.. well you know.. things happen.. and now it end to whatever it is now.

I told myself that i dont care that much, that i was fine tapi i kan typical perempuan. Bila je i ckp yg i ok is i betul betul okay. It hurts you know. That everything just kinda destroy and burn. But somehow i pick up those little bits of pieces and save it.. just in case.. who knows it work out at the end. Honestly, a part of me still believe, still fantasize and planning.. kalo tak, takkan lah i kept some information/help for my future self if she ever get married in the future.. And since we talked about marriage, we just go on with this okayy.. just bear with me ye or you could just skip this post. I wont mind.

My dream wedding keep on changing as i grow up. I tak tau lah sbb pengaruh semasa or just the media. But I used to loved big wedding and i be the center of attention. Only for that special day ye. But now, i more to simple but elegant. Tak perlu ramai orng. Ckup lah closed friends and family je. I was thinking 250-300 max. Cukuplah. Reramai pun buat apa. I rimas dan rasa semak ye. Oh, I tak nak ada bridesmaids. And taknak ada pengapit. I rasa tak perlu kot since tempat i tu dewan. Yang ni mmg dari dlu i nk dewan yg  ada aircond ye sbb selain untuk diri i, ia juga untuk my guests. And i plan to do it at night, under the stars. Tpi tak nmpk lah star nyer since dalam dewan.. kau rasa? kalo nk sgt gi luar dewan. Hahaha.. But if i had to have a pengapit, i nak fiqah who is my person to be pengapit i. Sbb dia ada positivity yg i need when im down. And bila i doubt, she can always take me away in a getaway car. Im serious okayy... I tau i ada buat janji dgn angah dlu psl nk jadi pengapit in each other wedding. But now i more to no.. In fact jadi pengapit angah ni pun i berat hati sebenarnya ye. Tpi nk buat mcm mne. Dia dh bagi kain dh pun so no way out i guess. I just hope on the day i kahwin, angah tgh sarat mengandung. Amin. Since majlis i buat malam, i was thinking to finish it in a day, means nikah petang, sanding malam. Mcm tulah plan i tapi tulah planning je.. It could change you know, not by me but by others. I yg terpaksa menerimanya ye. Hahaha..

But then this was all just a dream.. it was not really meant to come true. I mean, i wish it would somehow, someday.. I just hope for the best. Tapi tulah, the heart wants what it wants and it wants Joe. There is nothing i could do about it unless of course joe decide otherwise. But then it was like more to Joe or nothing. So yeah, im better off being alone anyway. Better like that kot. Hati i pun tak sakit. Kalo sakit pun, jap je. Esok lusa dia healing.

I had this conversation with my mom the other day. She was like so keen on me being open and just be friend with people. More specifically, people who were single and straight man. Yelah sekrng kn akhir zaman, so banyak je yg bengkok and actually a married man. I told my mom like i trained myself to say everytime this issue brought up. I did be open and be friend with many people that i come to know all the way. I bukan nyer terus shut people, taknak kawan langsung, sombong or whatever. Cuma nyer, dorng kene lah start the conversation because i wont do it unless perlu. And bukan nyer i tak balas msg tu. I balas kot cuma maybe dia akan nmpk mcm biasa2 je sbb dia tak kenal i lagi. So what they get is only my surface. They need to stay longer for my shell to be open and i need to make sure that they can handle the 'savage' of me. Thats what i told my mom lah.

The thing that i did not tell her is that my heart choose joe. I choose joe. I know he is the one i want to spent my whole life with, the one i willing to take risk with. And I dont know if i could love the next person more than i love joe. Sbb i rasa i already give too much, investing a lot on joe that i dont think it will be any left or enough for the next person. And im scared that i will not gonna put much effort when things go wrong. Like i could give 10% effort on saving the relationship. But that person need to do more because i am helpless. But that is all what i feel or think. Who knows when i meet the right person, everything will fall into place and it will be enough and equally.

But seriously, like i said before, i think im better be on my own. I know each people deserve someone in their life. I just dont think it was meant for me i guess? And kalo i tak end up dgn joe. I okay je be alone. Of course tipu lah kalo tak jealous or tak rasa pape, i bukan heartless even though i wish i was but i wasnt. So yeah. Tapi sebab dh pilih jalan ni, kenelah adapt, kenelah pndai handle bila these situation or feeling appear.  As for kid, well, i can always adopt. Sekrng kn byk je yg buat dlu, fkir kemudian pastu end up terbuang. Kesian tau. But then i am like not really have any intention to invest in kids and education unless it was my education. So i guess i stayed with cats.. love them.. hahaha...

So sis akhir kan post ni dengan a few pictures that were taken at Kuantan, attend Yanie's wedding.

Before gi wedding, we all decide to eat something sweet first

Not the one i order since i punyer in video form

The one i order, hopefully boleh play lah

Our favorite pose, i pun tak tau nape mariners suka sangat gaya this pose

Mariners with yanie x husband.. congrats babe...

All of us

mak cik bawang sekalian.. hahahaha

I am not weak

I keep on changing my mind. I could go from i stay here forever waiting for you to i deserve better baby im fabulous so goodbye. This has go on forever and ever. Depends on his action actually. Sebab aritu i whatsapp dia tak balas tapi whatsapp story ley lak upload. Seriously what the fuck man? Then i text him jokingly and he replied wlaupun tak borak lama tapi janji ayat dia buat i tersenyum sorng. So you guys could guess that i have change my mind again. Sadly true.

So i rasa rather nk planning and hoping. I should just let it flow and see where it goes. If it meant to be, it will be so i should just let it be.

I am not weak. I know i deserve better somewhere deep inside of me. But sometime we just took whatever love we thought was meant for us. Maybe joe is my second prize just like i was to his. Maybe we both are second prizer. And yeah i admit, i malas nak cari. I believe that if it meant to be, we find our way somehow. So who knows tetbe kan i jumpa jodoh i through grab or just one of the co worker. Bcoz honestly we do not know how our lives turn out to be in the future. Love might come in our lives in unexpected way, surprising us in some way. 

But believe me when i said this, after i reach my 30s, all of these will be just some idea i made when i was in my 20s. Bcoz after 30s i am done about marriage and love. Ye maybe tetbe jodoh mula hadir dan ketuk pintu hati i. But that was some kind of story. But really bila i reach 30s, i dah tak nak dah cari ke usaha ke cuba ke. No, i am so done. Like ada, adalah. If takde takpe. Bcoz when we, us women reach our 30s, we are somehow independent on our own, probably own a house and a car, spending money to our mom and dad, a stable job and a happy content life. I know once in awhile kita akan rasa lonely. Takpe beb, go and adopt kids or cats. And since i tak suka budak so cats will be my only solution. But i be fine on my own. travel and make memories.

That was just another dream after the 30s.

And for the 20s.

Well, i still am stand here, waiting for joe or someone who can fulfill my hopes and dreams. I go with the flow and see where this will go. Is it gonna be forever or is it gonna down in flames. But honestly, these day i took really slow and took my time, i realize that maybe hati i memang dah tawar skit lah dengan perangai joe ni. And somehow i was hoping and pray that it wont work out at the end, that he did something so terrible that im gonna shut him off for good this time and forever i hope. 

Can i not wanting to make friends??

I realize that i have a problem of making friend. I tau i ckp i nk meet new people lah, making new friend lah sbb tu i choose uitm. But when im here, i just tak rasa nk make friend. Like having a small talk tu boleh lah. Tapi nk lebih2 tu taklah. I try to tell myself that this just for a while sebab baru lagi. Baru sebulan je kot. But then it really doesnt feel like reason dia sbb still baru. It was more to rebellious. Like hati i, diri i mmg taknak make friend. Like part of menentang dgn keras, habis habisan tak nak make friend. I know bad habit kan. Tah pape kn. But thats the true.

Aritu program rumah anak yatim tu pun i tak ambik port sgt. Like dorng ada buat meet up ke apa ke mesti i balik rumah ke or i just like too very lazy to attend. Kalo ikut kn, on the day itself pun i tak nak dtg tapi semua sbb markah, that damn 10% marks that gonna affect my pointer somehow. 😑 

Dlu masa kt matriks i facing the same thing cuma perasaan rebellious tu tak kuat mana lah. And i still make good friends with few of my fellow classmates, and the Amy dri kelas lain, dila my roomate, syihan my schoolmate. And bila kteorng kene buat teater to fulfill kokorikulum requirement, suddenly we all become close. Like really close and rasa lah bonding dia, team work dia. Then lepas habis teater tu, we still can lepak with each other, naik basikal, ambik gmbr. Tapi tahlah yg baru ni, maybe, just maybe after a few months things will be okay kot?? Right???

 

 

Ala, dlu masa degree pun, ingt tak i pernah mention i nak sgt men invisible kan diri then tetbe masuk sem 2 or 3 dh dikenali dh oleh classmate yg lain. I mean how can i hide my evil laugh kan? 😁 Then lepas tu ley lepak sesama, makan sesama. Thats when i become so close with fiqah smpai dia sekrng my person, my best friend. And now entahlah. Maybe tak jumpa bff baru but at least i make a few friend? Sekrng ni lah yg mcm i ok je adalah sara of course. I rasa mcm i dh meng attach kn diri i kt dia. Everything i nk dia involve name it group project and latest research project. Oh yeah kteorng nyer research project kene buat in group 2-3 instead of individual macam zaman degree dlu. Then i make a good friend with aina and ecah. Tu pun sbb dorng tegur i dlu. If not, i dont think so. But yeah, maybe just give a few month. Everything should be okay. Insyallah. 

Im not the only one having this problem. Turn out fiqah having the same problem too. Dia rasa malas giler nk buat kwan time master ni. But they all like so friendly, byk tegur and borak2 dgn dia so dia layan jelah. And dia takdelah ssh sgt mcm i.. Sbb dia ada familiar faces like dila, zuha, mira, dayah, nad and fai. While i... im basically alone and loner. Yelah, i tak kenal sape2 kot kat situ. It was new place, new course, new environment. Semua new. So imagine that...

So yeah, give it a few months. Lelama okay kot. Lelama tak de lah rasa awkward ke apa ke.. hopefully.. 

Not good in making/stay friends

If you knew me, you know that im not the kind of person yang throw herself deeper into a friendship. I didnt have many friends to be really honest. The thing is, people come and people go and i stopped hoping they stayed. Because people change like season and i pretend like i dont care about it. I think the only friends that stayed to me through this past few years were farah, nadia, mai n nadh. The girls that i dh anggap mcm sister i. I do anything for them thats for sure. At first of course lah i a bit skeptical sbb we been through this. A few of my friends dri sklah rendah, im not close with anymore padahal dlu rapat giler. So ble habis sklah menengah, somehow i thought i gonna be the same this time. Syukur tak. We still stick together. Wlaupun masing2 belajar kt tempat lain2, masing2 jauh, but we still find time to catch up, hangout. The best feeling is ble tak rasa pape awkward bila jumpa padahal dh bpe bulan gak lah tak jumpa.

And then come matrik. Hidup kt matrik mmg best, i dont deny that. But now i realize it was the best but somehow people yg i ingt maybe we could still catch up some of time, just lost in contact completely. But i never blame them sebab maybe im not really a good friend either. So whatever. I think the only people kt matrik yg i still contact is amy and dila. Tpi amy pun tak sgt sbb lain tempat belajar. But there was a time bila dia text i or i text dia and we catch up a bit. Dila, jgn ckp lah. Dri dlu smpai sekrng, she the only one yg i comfort cite about my life, love life, anything. Entahlah. Maybe sbb dlu roomate? Maybe. And wlaupun masing2 busy and wlaupun dua2 blajar kt ukm but we had different schedule sbb course lain2. But we always find some time to meet up, to catch up, tgk movie sama2, sleepover, makan2. Kteorng slalu ada heart-to-heart session bila jumpa. Bnde wajib sbb dri zaman matrik lagi, there will be time kteorng akan ada heart-to-heart session. So it is a must when we meet up. 

Then, the U life. Well, i tak expect untuk get close to people. To be honest masa awal2 sem tu, i pendiam pastu i love do things by myself or dgn roomate i time tulah. But then slowly, i knew some of them. We planned to go somewhere, mkan2, jalan2. Then the penang trip, get us much closer. Every fieldtrip that we went. I think that whats i miss the most. I tak pernah rasa this close to most of my classmate and i hope this feeling wont fade ever. Between them, i think the most i close with are fiqah, wani and sadila. Maybe sbb byk spent time kt lab sesama, buka puasa sesama, siapkn tesis sesama, makan2 sesama. Thats what make our bond strong. Nk lak slalu gak rempit ngan fiqah, gi makan2 ngan fiqah n tdo bilik fiqah, watching horror movie together. Wani lak sbb we spent so many time together kt lab siapkn our fyp, melalak dlm lab tu mcm kita yg punya, mkn sesama2. Sadila, well sadilah, our food master. Mana je tempat makan best2 tak gi ngan dia. Kalo takde dia, tak syok, takde feel nk mkn. Our food queen kan.

Im not the kind of person yg ada rmai kwn but im grateful with whatever and whoever i had now. 

Fyi, sorry to an old friend i met in laundry store just now. I tau i nmpk mcm minah sombong gila. The thing is im not good in making conversation but at least i said hi right? and its not like i buat2 tak tahu like i used to sometime, depends on the situation, time and space. Lols.

The bragging parents

Am i looks like an easy target? Am i looks so naive that you can push me around whenever you want? Like seriously, why you gotta be so mean?

 

I know we had a history long time ago. I already apologize and i know that we both never really move on. Im not blind and neither are you. Everytime we shake hand or hugging or kissing or whatever, we just try to be nice and fake to other people. So orng xkn tau apa sebenarnya terjadi. N wlaupun masa tu, well, i masih dianggap budak2 lagi. Mmg rasa bersalah gila that time. But then it hit me. I xsebut nama pun masa i tweet bnde alah tu. Korng yg nk sentap, nk terasa, nk meroyan bagai. N sbb tu i mintak maaf. Nk kata menyesal tu, xde lah sgt. Bcoz it show me that these kind of people exist. Yg selama ni stalk kau, kumpul semua maklumat ttg kau xspecially yg buruk nyer, n ble kau buat salah sket je, kau akan dijatuhkan. To be really honest, bnde tu kecik je. N kau boleh lupakn je kot. Tpi x, you have to make it a big scene. Dramatic gle. Mungkin sbb tu kau rasa diri kau tu powerful sgt. Or maybe bcoz you thought i owe you bcoz you forgive me. Kalo xnk maafkn pun xpe. Kalo xske i pun xpe. I x hadap sgt lah. Bcoz seriously what did i get for ampu you? Nothing right. So i got nothing to lose. 

Lagi satu perlu ke nk brag psl anak kau nk kahwin. Just bcoz dia sama umur ngan i. Like seriously, i dont give a fuck. Yelah. Kau nk brag psl anak kau kahwin muda, kahwin dlu dri aku. Sedangkn aku ni still single mingle forever alone. Aku x heran lah wei. Atas2 aku tu pun blum kahwin lagi. N like i said before i am not ready. Sbb i mmg rasa for now i rasa i xboleh nk share anything with people for the rest of my life. And i x ready for commitment and responsibility. For now, aim i just nk graduate, had a good job, smbung master or PhD, go travel somewhere, dpt beli rumah n kete, dpt buat my parents proud and happy. I just wanna have fun and live while we are young. I nk spoil kn diri i  n my parents and adik. Why rush? 

The whole point is anak kau ready. Aku x. Nk jadi gf joe pun aku x ready. Ni lak nk kahwin. No thank you. I dgn joe ada ckp psl bnde ni dlu. And the way i see it he is not ready himself either. And we both agree on ada jodoh ada. If xde kteorng stay kwn. I love joe and i want him to be the one, i want to spent the rest of my life with him. Cuma satu je. I xyakin. I xtau apa i nk. Sbb kalo i tau. I wouldnt do what i do. I kinda confuse right now. I kinda lost. I love him but its complicated. And im a mess. N kalo i xjumpa jodoh i, i akan stay forever alone, single till jannah, its ok. It really is. As long as i xmenyesal. Tu je. 

So, if you wanna brag on my face. Go ahead. Coz i dont give a fuck.

Ruang

Sometime we need some space to figure it out, to rethink. Or just some space to be alone or whatsoever. Lately ni aku byk menyendiri. Bkn sbb depress ke apa. Cuma aku perlukn ruang. But in order to be that, i push some people away from my life. I xtau lah untuk kebaikan ke x. But for now, i just feel fine. So okay lah kot. I mean dorng pun xde cari i ke apa. So i did the right thing kn. Eliminate those who not right in your life. Letting go. Kn?

I've been doing lots of thinking lately. Ingt x masa i ckp yg feeling i kt joe dh fading away tu. Well, it was kinda true. I mean i xrasa pape kot ble kteorng borak. I didnt feel the happiness nor the excitement when we talked. But somehow i still love talked about him. And i still laugh and smile when i think or talk about him to other people. I still feel that happiness. Pelik kn? Maybe he just a good memories that i hold on. Yelah, sometime i realize i talked about him as if he no longer in my life. That he just exist in my mind or in my memory. 

I kept him lock inside my heart for a very very long time. Form 4 smpai sekrng bkn masa yg sgt singkat ok. Funny, kteorng dh berkawan sejak form 1. But the feeling only come afterwards. And it was intense. Mcm yg laen ckp. Kteorng mcm maen tarik tali. Dua2 xnk ngaku. We just keep on flirt until he was almost confess. I got cold feet. Sbb tu i get back ngan ashraf. And i tau i hurt joe's feeling. But that time i just xnk lose kwn baik i je. I xregret making that mistake, running away. Maybe it just suppose to be that way. And as time goes by, i still keep that feeling with me. He doesnt ever need to know. Until of course i realize that. I gotta set him free. I gotta let him go. I gotta let him be happy with someone else eventhough that someone else wasnt me. 

Sbb tu i perlukn ruang. Rasa berat but it just something i gotta do. I should do it long time ago. Tpi tulah. Cinta itu buta. And now i got my sane back. I think i will be alright.

They ask me, what if i was wrong? What if this was a mistake? And i say, whatever meant to be, meant to be. If not, i know Allah dh set from the top whats the best for me. :) I put my trust and everything in Allah's hand. Redha with everything and believe that it happen for a reason.

Fragile

“we hide behind a fakeSMILE to mask the pain but sometimes we wish someone would look closely enough and see how broken we really are inside”

—

(via wsabe) Kadang kadang tu kita ingt kita ni kuat mcm iron man tpi hakikatnya we pretty fragile and vulnerable inside. But somehow we pretend that we were okay, that nothing was wrong. We played the happy-go-lucky-person type of role in front of people and curled up crying in darkness.  I was an over-thinking freak. I was always do. Its kind of habit or my thing actually. And these past few days had been hard. Bkn sbb assignment berlambak. Well, that was one thing. But i dont really that mind. My fault for being procrastinate. Tpi ada gak a few assignment, group assignment to be specific which kalo dlm contrast dia, do in group, teamwork or whatever. Tpi apa jadi, haram jadah semua campak aku. Mmg aku ketua tpi xley semua nk aku yg buat. Mcm tu baik buat individu je which i pretty much ok with it. Sbb yg penat aku, bukan kau wahai hamba Allah. Pastu aku ler yg nk kene fikir apa yg nk kene siap, mcm mana nk buat. Kau ingt aku xde kerja lain ha? Im so tired with these kind of people. Ya, mungkin kau nmpk aku diam, ikut je kehendak kau. But to be really honest, once i blow out, you wont see me as the same person anymore. Eh, aku malas lyg species homosapien mcm kau ni tau. And thats why all you see is me ignoring every shit of you. Penat. Im so tired with people, the kind of people like you.  Semoga kau berubah. And semoga Allah tabah and sabar kn hati aku ni. Bape minggu je lagi. Kuat lah wahai hati, And i thought of not going home for this week but seeing me so intense and all, make me change my mind. I dont want to face another episode of depression. So lbih baik aku balik rumah, surround myself with lovely and happy people dripada aku mereput dlm bilik ni, tgk dinding yg pucat sbb dia pun xsanggup tgk aku lagi. Kang lgi depress aku dduk kt sini. Home is all i needed wlaupun kalo aku dduk ukm ni pun, coursemates aku nk kluar n aku ley je ikut dorng sbb dorng mmg ajak pun. It just that, depression make you an anti-social person and lebih ske ke arah menyendiri. Sbb tu kalo dduk kt ukm ni pun, aku bkn bwatpe pun selain mengenang nasib je. Huehue. But it feel a relieve a bit ble tdi dpt luahkn perasaan kt the girls. Nadia pling memahami sbb prnh mengalami nyer. I baru seru2 nama mai tdi kt twitter sbb masa kt matriks dlu, i always with her. Any kind of problem she or me facing, a hug cure everything a bit when the the mouth just lost all the words. And to be honest, i really need a hug right now. It will be so much better and i want maicawah. Get well soon syg.. i sruh fawah jaga u baik2.. dia je yg pling dekat dgn u bwat masa nie.  And to be honest it feel nice actually to be surrounded with friends who can cheer you up and who can make you forget the chaos in your mind

Walking Alone

Somehow i find peace when i was walking alone. Lost in thought. Lost in the beauty of nature. Lost somewhere. Aku saja balik rumah aritu naik train. And i really do love it actually. Listen to some song just get some mood and just walk, ignoring others. Ada je yg pndang2 as if aku ni kes lari rumah. Haha. I hope so. But i was going back home actually. Tpi yg pling best in this journey was that i imagine myself going somewhere far, far from home, somewhere i dont know where yet but i willing to figure it out. Maybe when we reach 20 n above, we just like to do things alone., being alone. It was as if we are looking for our true self or get to know of our own self. Maybe. Teori aku je lah kn. Tpi teori ni work ok on mai then farah and now me and i wonder who's next.

Mungkin lepas ni aku nk backpacking lak, alone with camera to capture a few moments, trying new things or culture or food (lols). Insyallah.

It feels good u know.. to be alone. To spending time with yourself. To have a 'me time' while it last. Life is short and i dont know how long will i be in this world, so i want to enjoy every moment and appreciate those little things and people who i love, and those who were around me.

Sombong pulak?

Lately nie mommy ske sgt tnye aku pasal encik saga. Aku xpaham dowh. Aritu dia tnya lagi. Dia tnye aku ada text pape ke kt encik saga. Ble aku ckp x. Pergh. Pnjg gle mommy membebel.

Mommy label kn aku sombong pulak. Atas sbb2 berikut:
1) aku xtext encik saga.
2) aku gedik xnk mle kn conversation
3) aku xtnye khabar pasal encik saga

Mommy nie minat betul ngan encik saga. Bkn dorng pernah jumpa pun. Tgk gmbr pun xpernah rasanya. Smpai hati mommy tuduh anak pompuan mommy yg satu2nya nie sombong. Aritu dh label kn orng jual mahal n kasar. Minggu depan xtau ler.

Aku bukan xnk text encik saga tu. Sbb aku bkn jenis yg ske text orng saje2. Aku kene ada purpose npe aku nk text dia. Mungkin sbb aku perlu sesorng untuk berckp, mungkin aku ske ckp ngan dia dan mungkin aku lonely. Tpi aku xrasa apa2 pun psl nk text dia. Sbb aku mmg xde pape nk ckp ngan dia. Kteorng pernah keluar sekali, berborak, know each other and all that. Tpi apa yg aku rasa is NOTHING. NA-DA. Ye, maybe kalo dia slalu text aku, insyallah, mungkin aku rasa sesuatu. Bkn aku nk dia start text aku dulu ke apa. Aku mmg mcm nie mula2. Seriously, u can ask ashraf n joe. Alhamdulilah, dorng xpernah bosan or jemu text i masa dlu lah.. Sekrng masing2 dh ada haluan hidup masing2.

But i was always that kind of girl, you know. Is not that i dont want to change it. It just the way i was. Mungkin sbb di awal perkenalan, i still watching them like a prey, still judging and still dont care. Tpi lpas2 dh lama2 tu, ble aku dh rasa selesa, ble perasaan best tu muncul, aku akan text dlu. In fact aku akan text dulu everytime smpai dorng rasa menyampah kot. Haha. Aku bkn sombong sgt. I just dont trust people easily. I didnt open up to people that fast. I need time. Like i say before. Aku nie complicated girl. Kalo dpt sabar dgn perangai pelik aku nie, insyallah hati aku akan terbuka and mungkin kita akan bersama2. Cewah. Tinggi tol cita2. But that just the way i am.

Tpi at least aku balas kn. Drpd aku xbalas, buat dek je. Tu baru dipanggil sombong.

Maaf kerana readers2 kene dgr bebelan n luahan hati aku. Aku bkn xnk ckp ngan mommy aku mcm nie. Aku takut kalo aku tersebut nama joe kang, dia start tnye pasal joe. Aku nie still dlm proses move on. Kalo aku yg sebut, xrasa sgt. Ble orng start sebut, kelu lidah nie wei.

So aku bwat lek je. Moga2 nnti mommy ubah topik laen lak.

Jual mahal?? Kasar??

Aritu mommy tetbe tnye aku psl encik saga.

As u who dont know who he is. Let me do a recap.

Aku kenal dia masa ambik kelas mandarin sem 1 dulu. Dia tegur aku sbb nk tnye aku pun msuk kelas cina ke. Then sejak tu, dia selalu lh tegur aku kalo jumpa. Then adalah satu hari, kteorng beborak psl transport. Dia ingt aku gi class naik bas. Aku ckp jln kaki je sbb mls nk tnggu bas. Lgipun bkn jauh sgt pun. Dia xcaya. Xcaya sudahlh. Entah tetbe selang bape ari, terserempak. Masa tu aku tgh nk lintas, dia lalu. Offer nk tumpang. First aku tolak. Second dan seterusnya, aku naik keta dia. Sbb lepas abis class, dia mesti tnggu aku kt luar. Aku ingt kalo aku saje lengah2 masa, dia blah. Tpi x. N ble aku cepat2 kluar, dia pun cepat2 kejar. Mmg xdpt elak lah kn. Xpelah. Rezeki. Hehe. Tetbe one day, dia ajak aku kluar late lunch. Since aku pun xmkn. Aku pun like why not kan. Masuk sem 2 dh xjumpa sbb xambik kelas cina dh. Tpi kdg2 dia tegur aku kt fb. Then sekrng ley lak sama kelas kesihatan mental. Since aku ngan coursemate aku, so dia xdelh tnye apa2. Kang tetbe aku ajak kwn2 aku join sekali, naya je. Tpi adalah tegur. Mommy pesan hidup tu jgn sombong sgt.

Npe encik saga?  Sbb dia bwak kte saga. NCE ****. Xingt actually.

Lpas jwb pertanyaan mommy. Mommy ckp,'tulah akak. jual mahal lgi. Jgn kasar2 sgt nnti laki lari'.

Mak aku nie dh knpe ckp bnde alah nie. Huh. Stress aku. Xpasal je kene label jual mahal n kasar.

Jual mahal tu xbetul. Sbb aku mmg xde perasaan kt dia. Aku anggap dia kwn je. Xlebih dri tu. Aku nie jenis yg kalo dh ske kt someone tu xdenyer nk jual2 mahal nie. Aku bwat jumbo sale terus. Aku bkn jenis yg tergedik2 ske tpi bwat xske. Jual mahal. Haktuihh.. Kalo aku xngaku kt orng laen aku xske dia tu, laen cte lah.. Tu maybe nk sembunyi2 kn. Tpi aku mmg jenis direct. Kalo x, xkn ler berani confess kt joe, akim, sharif n A.Y. Nmpk x staraight-forward dia. Haha.  N lagipun time tu aku letak harapan tnggi kt joe kn. Nie padah nyer. Tpi xmenyesal pun. Sbb..

a)if we meant to be, it meant to be kan?
b)dia orng negori, nenek dh reject awal2. Haha
c)nah.. we had non similarity.kot. apart from monster inc or cartoon.kot.

Bab kasar... Ye lately aku kasar. Aku ngaku bab tu cme dia xtnjuk sgt lah. But i always had this boyish side cme sejak darjah 6, n sejak rapat ngan elena, aku feminim sketlah. But it always there. Or maybe sbb my life is bitter, dh mls deal ngan shit people so aku jadilah heartless. Or maybe it just a self defense.. Hmm.. Byk maybe nie..

Kalo mommy tnye psl joe.. mcm mana lak nk jwb... nie kalah solaan kimia marin nie. haha.

Huh? Eh eh eh.. haha..

Hati kering

Is it weird if i say i cant see myself spending my whole life with someone. I used to be so good in this. Like i could imagine myself with my crush or whatsoever. But now, not that i didnt have crush anymore, i just cant simply imagine be with someone. I cant imagine texting with someone everyday and almost everytime. What are we going to talk? Asking the same thing over and over again like what r u doing right now, have u eat or u didnt go out anywhere. I felt bored already typing this.

Am i being too picky lately or the fact that hati i kering. Almost nk kontang nie wlaupun hujan almost everyday. What is wrong with me?

So last 2 weeks i think, my cousin who the same age as i am, got married. Im happy for her. I do. It just that, i know she got married quite young, same age as i am, tpi xperlu lh kan nk tnye giliran i ble. I baru 20 kot, i got lots of things to do before i end my freedom. Im still young, wild and free. And i wanted to make my parents proud of me. I nk pegang ijazah degree i and maybe insyallah, my master lak. Cousin i tu laen lah dia mmg xnk smbung belajar, terus keje. Dia tu pun kira langkah bendul sbb abg dia xkahwin lagi. N lagi satu dri dok tnye i ble lagi, cbe tnye yg lebih tua dri i tu ble lgi nk kahwin. Or should i just say, yg kau tu ble nk mampus? Huh! Serious kot. Masa aunty i tnye tu,i senyum je. Tpi dlm hati, rasa2 byk dh pahala i sedekah kt dia. Menguji kesabaran aku betul. Beside, i want to have a back up plan bcoz if my future husband messed up, at least i could stand still on my own feet. Someone pernah mention, if u not ready to share or xnk dikongkong oleh bf.gf, u not ready for serious relationshio. And im not. You tau jelh i ble bab mengongkong nie. Anti okay. Like kau sapa? Parents aku pun chill je.

But after awhile, of course, i cool down and think that i dont mind, really, if i end up like my ucu or any of my high school teachers. They had a luxurious life. Yeah, mmg nmpk mcm i mengejar harta dunia.. tpi..half truth. Maigod, hati i mmg kering. I know that there will be a time where i feel quite lonely and 'what if' thoughts appear. But hey, i think i will be happy, free, confused and lonely in the best way.

Or maybe i just came to a point that im tired and i dont give a f*** about all of this. And last2 i serahkan smue pada takdir Allah. I mmg yakin Allah dh tetapkan setiap orang ada pasangan masing2 cme masa and how it happen that was a secret. And i tau orng ckp mmg serah pada takdir tpi kene usaha gak. Nk usaha apanya. I dh tahap redha dh. Ada jodoh ada, xde xkemana. Mcm pelik je ayat aku nie. Tpi kalo ada pun, xsempat kot.

As for now, i know i change a lot since i and joe breakup. Dia mmg memberi impak besar dowh. And im not asking to meet someone like joe but emm.. slightly like him wont hurt right. I mean i just nk someone yg i bley shared any interest with apart from the dark thoughts or whatsover. Okay, picky!

But whatever it is, time will come when i meet the right person for me. If it meant to be, it meant to be kan? Just not now.

Tiil again.

PS: Sorry for the language. Lately nie perangai mcm dh kurang ajar je sket sbb tu ayat nmpk sgt 'manis' je. Huehuehue.

Menghilang

Its getting dusty here. Mohon maaf sbb lama xupdate. Menghilang jap.

I was talking to ashraf just now. Yeah, lately i byk borak ngan dia. Jgn salah faham. We just friend. Xsalah kn if after breakup, we stay friends. As long as we know our limits. Tpi kteorng bkn mcm best buddy or whatever. He knows me well. So.. i feel very comfortable around him. Tpi still, i xde niat ape2 nk smbung blik ke ape. I move on and realize that we just not meant to be together. He was my first love and i always love him cme feeling tu xmcm dlu lah.

Anyway, we talked about kwn dia yg dok sibuk bahan dia sbb dia menghilang. Dh episode 3 uolls. Byk menghilang bdk nie. Tpi dia mmg mcm tu. Sejak i kenal dia lagi kot. Menghilang je keje.

Tpi ble dia ckp, 'Kdg2 kte kene menghilang gak'. I xphm mksud dia n xterniat nk tnye pun. But i kinda agree with him with this one. I dont know why.. Tpi kdg2 menghilang tu equal to be alone. And wlaupun no ones want to be alone dlm dunia nie. But actually it was good to be alone. You learn lot of things about yourself. Contoh u xpernah mengait. U try n u succeed. Or u tetbe nk tulis novel. Wlaupun baru bape patah perkataan. Still, u got a gift dear. Just a little bit of imagination maybe.

And lately my worlds was like full with love birds.

Thank you jess for pointing that out. Yeah. Xkisah ler antara kwn ke, sedara ke. Huh. It was so suffocating. N bkn i jealous or ape2 yg sewaktunya. It just like. Please leave me alone. And im happy for them. I do. But i feel more happier if they just leave me out of it. Like dont ask me about any guy i knew or not know. N dont act like i was loser for not having someone. Bcoz u know what i'm too awesome for them. And the fact that im heartless. So i need a really right person to make me soft again or whatever, make me a better person or something like that. I mean u guys maybe dh found the one for you, while mine is still stuck in traffic jam. So whatever. I dont mind.

But for now. I really love my life. Just like how it was. I mean yeah i might get lonely or whatever sometime. But i find something to cheer me up. I always do. N mcm mommy ckp. Im not desperate. Yeah im not. Just serious i xkisah kalo hidup dikelilingi ngan love birds. Just dont drag me with it. You deal with ur life, and i deal with mine. Tu je i nk point out.  

 

Yeah, we on the same page taylor. Just i love to sit and watch gossip girl or how i met your mother or maybe new girl.

Xoxo.

Be Happy

I thought i delete this blog. But i didnt. How silly i am.. Haha.. Nmpk sgt hati tgh haru tu and emotional yg xmenentu. Haha.. So, yeah i back on track. And just start where i pause. So, let me update things that happen the last few.. days.. or weeks.. it cant be month right? Okay whatever..

Okay.. aritukn i sgt down. I shut everybody out. Seriously. Including the girls. And i guess smpai i tmimpi yg i tdelete this blog kot. How weird. Then it hit me that i shouldnt be like this. I shouldnt act like this. So i do what i have to do. I turn back to farah. I dont know why but among the girls, i rasa sgt comfortable cte everything ngan farah. Mohon yg laen jgn terasa. And yeah farah marah. But she was right though. This was not healthy at all. Tpi i rasa relieve sgt lepas luahkn everything kt dia. Somehow i forgot how it feels like to talk to someone who truly understand it. Thanks farah for everything. Owh yeah.. she told me to be open. Bcoz thats how she found her happiness despite everything that happen. So i tried to. Little by little. Baby step.

I started with Azmil. Sbb dh lama gila xborak ngan dia. I tau dia busy and all that. But i also know how happy he was with someone he likes. And i am happy for him. I do. I told him that. And he be a sweetheart by calling me bestfriend and wishes  i found a best man in future. Amin. Insyallah. But it really touch me though. Looking back kn.. it was like we lose someone but there will be someone else came aong. Life is full of surprise.

Then, borak ngan dila.. ajak dating jumaat aritu. Sejak sem 1 nk jumpa baru sekrng dpt. Rindu kot. And since roomate i blik, i ajak dia sleepover sekali. Serious tingt masa kt kmj ngan mai dlu. Cme ngan mai lebih romantik lh sbb dia ngada nk tdo sebelah i gak.. haha.. sebaik dia kecil. so muat ler satu single bed tu. Mcm2 hal lah borak. Everything. Gossip psl.. well, mostly bdk2 kmj. Classmate i, classmate dia. The girls, dia nyer bestfriend. Joe n pacak.. Hmm. yep everything. Pastu lyn cte frozen. Kul 3 lbih gak lah tdo. Bgun esok jgn ckp. Mmg lmbt. Mmg tbabas subuh aku. Then bgun2 borak lagi.. But this time mcm heart to heart session. Slalu tgh2 mlm tau. Nie tgh ari. Haha.. Then gi kuo shopping2 mknan. Smbung tgk movie n tdo.. Mlm kluar dinner ngan my parents. Then i sorng2 dlm bilik lagi.

But it was fun. Dh lama kot xbuat bnde2 nie smue. Masa kt kmj dlu dlm seminggu dua adalah buat heart to heart session. It was just a session where we pour everything we felt xspecially about someone who we likes, crushes.. Nama pun heart to heart kn.. Its all about love. To be honest i jealous sketlh ngan dila n pacak. But i also happy for them. Dila is my friend and maybe this just her path. While mine, obviously i got long way to go... and joe.. maybe it just might not meant to be..

Tpi kn i tau farah ask me to let him go sbb bnde nie mmg xkemana pun. Pusing2 kt situ gak. And i was hurt. Badly. I was broken. Cme i rasa mcm i lebih rela let go feeling i, forget about those feeling i ada kt joe instead of let him go. He was my very best friend. Tgk friendship nie hancur mcm nie, i just xsanggup. Honestly, i xkisah kot kalo i n joe xend up together. It wasnt one of my dream. But it will be nice if we end up with our best friend kn. I just xnk end this friendship. I tau one day ble joe dh kahwin mesti dia busy ngan family dia, cme once in awhile we could hang out and talked and maybe i kwn ngan wife dia, dia kawan ngan husband i.. mcm dgn the girls nnti, somewhere in the future. Sbb tu i xready nk give up. I will try hold on as long as i can..

But for now, it was really time to be happy and to pick up the pieces and whatever.. Haha.. Going to watch gigs today.. hehe.. see ya.. may everything goes well this time around. Insyallah. Amin. :) xoxo.

Care less

Tetbe I rasa inspired ble dgr lagu brave by sara bareilles. Well lagu dia.. obviously it was being brave.. but in my case.. it was brave to stop care too much. I rasa mcm I slalu fkir ape orng ckp, apa orng fkir.. and sometime apa dorng buat kt I really buat I down. I rasa mcm I nie useless and worthless gle. But actually dorng yg useless.. sbb tu this time around I just stop care whatever they say or think. I just go with my guts.

and since I dh tau perangai orng2 tu mcm mana, I just buat don't know je. wear my fake mask, fake smile.. yeah I was fake. tpi ada aku kisah.. well,, ada certain people tu I ley lah fake2, but there are some yg I just kene tunjuk how dislike I am with them. yg fake2 tu sbb I rasa maybe they had reason why they be like that. I mean pain did change people you know. and sape tau nnti dorng ubah gak kan.. I give people chance.. but I just don't care anymore..

same goes to my feeling. to be honest, I xtau ape yg I rasa dh lately. sbb I asyik deny and deny.. I mcm berperang ngan diri I sendiri. last2, I just don't know. I xtau I should hold on or not. sbb kdg2 I rasa mcm I hold on something unsure about. I tau u ego, u xnk ngaku.. tpi I pun ada ego gak.. im tired. sbb tu kadang2 I rasa mcm nk let go. but seeing what it did to me the other day. I just go with the flow. kalo tetbe one day I move on and lpe u, then that was the sign. but if the other way around, I pun xtau nk ckp ape. but I know if there ever come a day when I move on, I know that I will be okay. and this time around, I am not faking it..

I just don't don't care anymore. yeah, maybe I am heartless after all mcm dorng ckp. and since I rasa mcm I dh sebut byk kali heartless, maybe I am btul2 heartless.. i just penat kot.. i still care to those who i love and i will be there for those who need. cme.. there are certain things yg i just nk buang jauh2. i just don't care. mcm feeling. yeah, mostly about feeling.. but who know one day, came a person who will change my mind, who change me, who complete me.. i xckp sape.. i ckp person.. there will be.. i just xtau sape, mcm mana i jumpa dia.. but i know i will meet him.. but right now, i just don't care. i want to care less, expect less.. that's all..

Tpi kn i did do the bravest things.. well, for me lah.. it was brave.. i confess someone that i like him. and even dia xckp pape. it was great to let it all out. and eventhough everything change. but i think it was worth trying. dh lama2 tu i fkir, it wasn't that bad and i am not regret it. not a bit. i believe that people change. i pun change. feeling i pun change. and wlaupun kteorng dh jarang borak. but i know we still friends. we just caught up on our life. mcm i dgn the girls gak. it just a misunderstanding. i nie kan kdg2 drama queen, overthingking freak. haha.. trust me.  xoxo..

Lepak-ing

I was nice going out with the girls. Lama xjumpa. Rindu giler beb. Aritu farah n nadia ajak kluar, i mmg nk kluar pun kot pastu... phm2 jelah the drama i make in my head. Haha.. But then lepas tdi, i realize, it was all i ever need. Dorng penawar hati i. They do not need to listen to my story, i just need them to be there. Mcm joe.. silly me..

Kali nie lepak kt kedai parents nadia je.. Senang dh sekrng, dh ada tempat lepak baru. Hehe.. nadia belanja lak tu.. thanks nadia.. syg kak long.. mai mmg vvip abis.. mmg ada share betul ngan parents nadia.. the last person to come. penat menunggu mai dtg.. perut pun dh lapaq. sebaik call tnye dia dh mkn ke.. dia ckp dh, smue cepat2 ambik nasi.. yelah, xlunch lgi.. nadh bring someone.. well, i know u want to take slow.. but it was nice to see you happy again. im happy too. for you.

And yeah, i need farah as usual.. sbb dia pling fhm kot.. haha.. since naik kete ngan dia.. we talked.. a lot.. and i talked about joe.. we talked almost everything actually.. and it was really really good. this is what i need. maybe kwn i maksud kn nie kot. seek some help. yg dia nasihatkn i mcm i nie ambik dadah je. bcoz she know i slalu cte kt farah. i mmglah ada cte kt dia. tpi xmcm i cte kt farah and joe. but since ngan joe ada probs, i only had farah.. so u get the point..

i cte kt farah psl my mom ckp i heartless. farah ckp sket lah. syg, sket pun mmg dh tunjuk i nie mmg heartless. maybe i am heartless. well, pain did to people. i mean they change. i xmaksudkn yg broken hearted tu smue. i maksudkn yg psl i kene judge giler2 tu. well, they judge and say things mcm i nie xde perasaan. so, now im really heartless, say whatever you want bitch. sorry, got carry away. maybe for now, this is who i am. heartless. maybe one day i change. maybe one day i met someone that can change me. again. but for now, this is me. i say things i feel and think. kdg2 xthink sgt pun. more to rasa. farah ckp kalo orng yg xphm sarcastic i tu mmg dh terasa gila dh.. i gelak je.. kalo terasa sape sruh.. dia mkn tomato dia lah rasa masam kn.. i cool je.. okay, xoxo.

Im heartless?

Mommy said im heartless. Like seriously im heartless? I am the most kinda hearted person when the time is right okay.

It all started bcoz my mom ask me about faris whom she call mr saga bcoz he drive saga. My mom ask lah yg test chinese aritu dia dtg ke. I ckp lah of course lah dia dtg. Test kot. Then i blurt out psl dia dduk dkat2 ngan i time exam tu. Blakang i je kot. Pastu dia adalah say sorry yg dia xdtg bape aritu sbb busy ngan assignment dia. I ckplah kt my mom yg i xtnye pun dia npe dia xdtg. And ble dia ckp mcm tu. I just ckp ok xpe.

And sbb tu je my mom ckp i heartless. How dare you?

I got heart okay. If not, i didnt fall in love or feel pity about animals and old people. Or crying when good character died in the movie.

Or maybe i am heartless. Maybe it has been a long time since im with someone. So i kinda lose all those happy-do-that-thing stuff while i was with someone. Ala, yg lovey-dovey things tu lah. I mean seriously when i thought about having a bf and everyday n everymoment texting, i was like, xbosan ke? ckp ape je? like seriously ada topik menarik ke? Funny coz i've been there long time ago. But now i lose all sense of it.

Maybe i need to find someone who can remind me what it feels like doing that 'stuff'. Maybe all those love story just not enough bcoz after all, life is not like the movies.

But sometime it was good u know to have a happy ending somewhere. Even if it just in our dream or in the movie or books or something. It was really good.


But i need reality check. seriously.

Preparing for the worst

I always prepared for the worst. Maybe bcoz i get use of disappointment that i tend to always preparing myself. Beside, if i prepare for the worst, at least i wont getting a lot sbb dh expect kn. What if i expect it to be nice and good, then it turn the other way around and i will be mad. Like so mad.

So, ble i tau yg i xdpt jpa, xdelah sdey sgt actually wlaupun yeah it will burden my parents. But things happen. Ada rezeki nnti cube lagi. Ye dakk..

Same goes to my upu. I mmg xletak pape hope pun dpt kt ukm or mne2 ru. But alhamdulilah, i dpt ukm.. sbb kalo nk ikut i nyer result mcm tah pape je kot.

Sama lah mcm ble buat presentation. I dh prepared ape nk ckp pastu ble present kt depan i ckp bnde laen. Dia mcm terlari sket lah. Sbb tu i mcm malas nk ambik port kot. Like i just do my best. Kalo teruk xpe, we did try. If it was good, great job nasuha. TEPUK!

And then there was joe. There will always gonna be him. I try my hardest not to think or hope a lot about being with him. But it was pretty had sbb he always in my mind somehow. But i still preparing myself for the worst. Like maybe he met someone, get married or just reject me. Yep, im a party bummer. But that just me. Right now i really enjoy being around him. :)

The thing about me is that i overthinking. It doesnt matter if it was good or bad. But my brain just couldnt stop think or imagine things. Whats wrong with me anyway? I think i really need to learn with the flow and just keep things slow and steady. But its hard. But i try. I will. I think.

rethinking

have u ever had those feeling that u really want that thing but you know u cant. so, u try to learn to let it go..

im rethinking about joe. maybe he was right all along. maybe we are not right for each other. it wasnt because i was good and he was bad. it was more than that. everything just seem wrong. but somehow it does feels right. why my heart ache? no, nasuha.. u gotta let him go. u gotta let go this feeling. u do it once. im sure u can do it all over again. its for the best. maybe we just gonna end up being friends for the rest of our lives. or we end up being stranger because something terrible happen in the future. emm.. pretty dramatic. the thing is i like him. i really do. for once after ashraf, he make me feel like me. whenever im with him, it just like i dont care what people thing. if i want that minions toys at mcd, i will get it kinda feeling, it was like nothings even matter. what am i bubbling about? i was suppose to stop talking about him. i need to find a boyfriend. but i cant because my life kinda pretty messed up now. ugh! anyway, i just want to think something else beside result upu nk kluar this thursday and i had a disaster dream. and trust me, it was disaster. btw, happy fasting :)

and the fact that i just done whatsapping with joe just now. things kinda weird after that whole conversation. he was more in using awak saya. something i still trying to adjust myself with. luckily it was texting. if its not, im sure the i and u will came out. but i like this way. it just i was wondering what am i really meant to him? am i just a friend? or more than that? or nothing. or just a rebound girl. or nothing. u know what. save it. i dont want to know now.

u know maybe i was wrong for the previous previous post. joe wasnt my chuck if i was blair. he was dan if i was blair. he always there for me. always supporting me in whatever i do. he is my knight in shining armour but not that kinda prince charming way kay. but i guess, this one was okay. just i hope i could getting over this feeling someday.

life

I am a pretty much messed up girl. I dont know what i want in my life. and im trying to figure things out. trying to make things work.

waking up. realize that changes might not seem good anymore. im turning to the old me once again. but im still trying to figure out me. what i wanna be. who i wanna be. so, im turning every moment into a journey and i wont give up to learn, to figure out, to discover, to participate.

feelings. i try to delete this annoying tingling feeling somewhere inside me. its tough coz i didnt get the ending just yet. the perfect closure. i promise farah, someday i will get my answer. when the time come. sometime i feel like i wanna fall with someone i dont know. someone i meet in a coffee shop maybe. but sometime i felt different way. its hard when my mind keep changing. but i do know that i want to meet new people. and if it meant to be, you and me, we will find our way back and make our dream came true.

friends. i love making new friend. meeting new people. getting to know each other. but somehow i always running away to my bestfriends. my penawar hati and my pentol. no one know me like u guys did. u guys make me feel like my own self. thanks for always being there for me in healthiness and sickness, for better and worse. haha.. but serious guys. u guys are the awesome bestfriends i ever had and im glad i meeting u guys. its definitely fate.


those loved ones. i love family. well, who doesnt. and im forever are daddy's little girl. i got huge fight with him the other day. we both just trying being stranger and avoided each other. but it wasnt easy coz i felt something. those feeling that you want to get mad at person but you couldnt. so, you end up making a truce. and i did. i guess i really couldnt stay mad at people i love so much. not just joe. thanks mommy and abah for everything u ever gave to me. you make who i am today eventhough i am still trying to figure things out. u accept me who i really am. the stone cold head one. haha. i love you guys both. promise i will continue making u proud as long as we shall live. insyallah.

first love. i never thought i will experience till today. and i was always mistaken about first love. i thought first was the first. but no. first love different. sometime people feel it on the first one but sometime the other way around. and i was the other way around. ashraf wasnt the first i be with. but he definitely my first love though he's not mine. i do miss him sometime and thought about him. i never forget about him, what we both had. sometime i love to remember all the things we did, what he say. i just love to look back when i miss him. eventhough we didnt last like i hope and dream so but i glad i meet him. coz he's my first love.

charming. i always love with guys that are charming. i never know my taste. i just saw this and i like him. just simple as that. but my girls do know what kind a guy i like. they are the best. i still got a long way to go but i hope on that journey, somehow somewhere i bump into you. and well, things will be clique so i wont explain more.

i am a pretty messed up girl. i got bad attitude sometime. im hot tempered. no one believes that. haha.. but i do. im saying things i didnt mean. do crazy thing without thinking. i want to open a bakery shop one day. but realize that i love doing it as a hobby. same goes to my song writing. i love to write. listen to some music. and try to relate it with my life and what i feel at that moment. i feel free and my mind kinda relax when i with music. i still study with music. it help me a lot. exspecially when things just got bored. i still dont know what i want to be. but i belive in qada' and qadar. wherever fate take me after this, i believe theres are reason behind this.

i dont know why i worte this. but i feel it just something that i want to do.

I cant stay mad at you

I cant stay mad at you. Even if you forgetting my bday. Even when i feel like want to punch you on ur face but at the same time, want to hug you so hard until theres no oxygen left.

Here i am, a few hours ago, hanging out with my nenek ku sayang. Gossiping bout others. She told me about my cousin who his boyfriend was an arabic man. And seriously, i feel like i want to tell nenek about you. Like how long we know each other,about how me met, what you do, everything but i cant coz we are just friend. We are just friend right?

And here i am again, walking in the grocery a few minute after that. I should be finding what i want to buy. But instead i thought pf you as i walking. About how i miss you so much. About how i dont want to lose you. About  that punching and hugging stuff. And i am just thinking to forgive you and just forget everything ever happen.

I never had this such of feeling. And its killing me! I want to get mad at you, stay mad at you until u pujuk i. Call me mengada but u deserve it after u forgetting me born day. How could you? What kind a friend of you? The pentol and nyanyok one. Cant argue with that. Gosh, it fl so hurt. at my chest like im about to get a heart attack or a stroke. I cant stay mad at you. This is disease. I never felt something so strong like this. I mean come on, ashraf never make me feel like this. If i was mad, i was mad and do stupid stuff which i regret but it feels good. But with you its different. And i couldnt explain it. and its driving me nut! Huh! Im just going to forget about it. Let it go. Let be bygone, be bygone.. huuuu..

So, im completely honest with you. I tell you the truth. And yeah as usual u picking fight on me. And its not because of ur words coz all u do was actually pour oil on the fire. I just cant get mad at you. So, you end up giving up and give me what i want, a wish. And we talk and fight. And everything seem normal. I like it like this. Maybe we should be like this. I agree..

What happen joe? Why are you suddenly silent after that conversation? Seriously, am i being to open? Are we too fast? Are you scared? Or are you dont want it to happen? That it was a mistake? Joe, i do anything for you. You my bestfriend. You always do no matter what. Even if one day you left me and forget all about me. I think it was a mistake. I feel we should be just friend like we use to. Maybe we should be like this. Seriously joe, i rather forget and erase all mt feeling towards you then losing you. Seriously. I swear. I promise.