Dream, past and remembering

 I did not know if it was a RED season or what but I feel of writing this, to pour this heartfelt that I felt for quite some time. I just realize that the last time that I was here was like 6 months ago. But maybe it was time to go and write again. I mean it won't be active like I used to but I might write when I feel like it. 

Before we began, let just talk about RED first. Oh my goodness, all too well was my favorite, always. The usual one is perfect, but the new long version was even better. I always thought that this song was meant for Ashraf. But after some time, I kinda listen to it when I feel sad or miss him. So the song was now dedicated to him. However, somehow the longer version one was perfectly dedicated to him by me. There are a few sentences or words in that lyric that resemble the things I had with him. But I guess RED will always be for Ashraf. After all, I did write a post about him with that title honestly.

Okay, let's move forward to the reason I was here. 

I guess I never wrote this after it happen. But somewhere around March this year, he came to my dream. I don't quite remember what the dream was now. But he did appear in my dream quite a few times that I continue to sleep so that I could see him even though he did not say much. But I did see him. And I was sad when I wake up as it was only a dream. A week before this dream, I did talk about him to Farah. Mostly about what happened. So after that talk, I just can't stop thinking about him. I missed him so very much. It feel like a week where I felt that way and just miss everything about him, about us. The flashback kept creeping on and he kept double-crossing my mind. It was like, they say all wells that end well but I am in new hell. 

Then, on the night of Tina's bachelorette party, I accidentally call him. I don't know how as the name of the person I was meant to call was different and in fact far from the letter of his name. I drop it once I realize it. After an hour, he called me back but I say 'wrong number, sorry'. And my day getting worse. Nope, I think the next day of it was getting worsen. Usually, I will only have a week to have this kind of breakdown but this has been a few weeks and weeks turn to month. The heart won't rest and the mind kept playing the flashback. But I keep calm and let the heart, mind, and soul feel what it needs to feel. It took quite some time to recover. Feels like I just took numerous steps back but I was fine afterward.

But he called me out of a sudden. He called when everything was back to normal and fine. I did not answer it a first as I thought I was dreaming. But he called me the second time and I hear his voice. His rough-the kind I like- voice. I quite feel my heartbeat fast as usual and everything feels dead silent. We talk for quite a while and I was happy and glad to know that he was okay and everything went well for him. He said he will call again later but he never did. Up until now. But I did not mind much as I felt maybe this is the 'closer' that I was looking for. So I felt grateful instead.

I could say that we go our own separate way after that call. Never to heard and know again. And it was okay. But there is always one of those days that I thought about him and reminisce about the past where everything was good between us. And yeah sometimes I do wonder if he remembers it all too well.

It has been quite a while and today he appeared in my dream. It felt real. And I never thought I saw him so clear, so vivid. At first, I thought it was just a random dream. But there he was with his old grey/green pleated shirt. Watch me, smile at me. I did not say anything as I am still shocked. The funny thing I say was. 'you never call and say anything. so I move on with my life. He smile and hugged me. Every dreamt I had of him, he never say enough or anything. He just does a random gesture or smiles. We got married in that dreamt of mine. And I could feel in my bones that this was just a dream and I want out. I want to wake up. I don't want this. I never want this anymore. 

I got out and wake up. But even when I say I don't care and that it is just a dream. I still think of that dream. But his vivid face was slowly disappearing and fading from my mind. Thus, before I forget all about it, I wrote it here. And layer if I came back and read it, I will remember it all too well.

Unmoved

Its funny how those feeling makes you feel like it was the first time even though you have felt it so many time, you have been through this before. 

You've been madly in love with a person before and things end somehow. And then you met another person and you fall madly in love with them. And you started to say to yourself that is this what falling in love feels like. Okay maybe between those two person, they gave you different kind of sparks and vibe. But still, you fall in love and you falling apart. 

It same goes with break up. You've been hurt before. You remember crying so hard on the day that person left. You remember falling apart in the middle of night, reminiscing those memories, looking back into those sign of trouble. But then one day you wake up being a new person again, you move on. You missed that person but it was not the same. You accept that things happen for a reason. 

And now, you've gone through the same heartbreak but with a different kind of person. You cry , you falling apart, you having a flashback, you trying to make sense of things that happen. And you question yourself, how did you move on before, will you ever move on. And same like above, maybe those two different people give a different rush and adrenaline.

He was not my first love. He was not the person that mean so much to me before. But when he left, he leave a huge hole inside of me. A hole that i could not fit with anything. A hole that i fill with the things he likes. I kept remind myself i deserve better but my heart long for him. I tried to get myself up and get through each day. But when the night came in, i miss him more and i looked back to the memories of him and i. How did i move on before? How did i get through this before?

For awhile, i could feel myself disappear. I could feel that i am not the person i used to be. I remember being happy but i do not know who she was anymore. I felt so lost. I felt that everything and everyone is moving fast while i am still standing here, unmoved. Honesty, will i survive this?

This is what it feels like

I guess this is what drug addict or smoker feels like. You know it was bad for you and you know you gotta stay the hell away from it for good but somehow there was the time when your heart desire for it, craving for it. And it makes you feel crazy for wanting it and battling it. Because you know it was bad for you but somehow you cant resist it. The adrenaline it give to you as it excites you or bring you to somewhere better than the reality itself. And you feel shiver because you know you cant have it. Because if you have it, it will ruin you all over again.

And that is exactly the picture that im having right now. The urge to text him and saying that im sorry and i wanna take it back whatever i said and i want us to be back as we were suppose to. But i know that if i did this. I will be ruin and completely lose myself. Because this is exactly what happen before this. I have this anger inside me and i burst it out to him and he act as he dont care and it is killing me inside of this silent treatment. So i smash all those bricks that i built for my wall. And i ran back to him and take back whatever i said and we were okay again. But it wasnt long until he did it again, until he hurt me and i was ruin all over again.

This is what it feels like to resist the feeling of going back to what ruin you and taste it for one last time. But there will be no next time. Because once you going back, you would never want to leave. You would want to stay there. Because to you it was your safe heaven, to you this is everything you ever want, to you, you just cant risk it and lose it again. You would want to stay even though you know that you will getting hurt again. 

I kept on reminded myself that i need to go on. I need to leave, to go away. It wasnt his fault and it wasnt mine. It just not meant to be. And fixing it just going to make it worse. Because you will lose yourself and getting hurt and somehow you will get use of the pain that slowly make you feel numb. I keep reminded myself that i need to leave because i have love to much and hate too much and i shouldnt hate him. I should love him and keep on loving him. They said if you love something, you need to let go. And it is true. Because one day you looking back and you would remember all those happy loving memory of you and him and reason why you love him. Thats why you need to leave while you still love him and hold on to those happy memories that once you both shared. 

This is what it feels like but it was nothing like drugs or cigarettes because i dont think so there are happy loving moment with those items because those are are not person obviously. But thats how it feels like.  Thats exactly what i feels like. I feel like the need to check myself in a rehab or go to support group or something. But i guess for now i just have to deal with it, let it flow, let time heals and keep on reading that motivation book about moving on that i once read when i broke up with ashraf. But this is a friend breakup which was much more worse than a breakup itself. But i get through this. I will get through this.

Eulogy

To my sweet dear nancy..

Having you around all those years was amazing and enjoyable. I never thought that our time is short to spend time together, to play and be together. I always looking forward to go back home, to see you, to hug and kiss you. But now, i was afraid to go home, i couldnt go home. Bcoz i felt the presence of you around me. The usual place you sleep or those place where you just sit around and watching us. That time when i was watching tv and you jump to me so you could see it with me. Or when you just want to sleep beside me or manja2. And when i tgh solat, and you sit beside me, watching me. I still feel like you were there, do things that you used to do.

I miss your voice. I miss the sound of your bell when you walking or run. I miss when you wake me up in the morning. I miss when you sleep beside me or adik. I miss dukung you. I miss hug and kiss you. I miss when we watch frozen together and i keep singing 'do you wanna build a snowman'. I think if you could talk, you would slap me and ask me to let go of those frozen thing.

But this time, i had to let go of you. And eventhought i still couldnt stop crying. I know that you in a better place. And that now you sleep peacefully. I saw you go in 60 seconds. But i felt like it was only 1 second. I felt like i wanna scream that time when they put you sleep. I want to ask them to stop. But i had to do what i had to do. I gotta let go. And move on with my life.

Im going to miss you a lot baby. In fact, all of us going to miss you. We all love you so much. And to see you suffering like that, its devastating. And we all redha with everything that happen.

Thanks darling for spark my day and my life. No one could ever replace you. And no one could compare you. But i was glad that i could see you, sleep with you, kiss and hug you for the very last time.

I love you sayang. Always do, always will and always am. I miss you a lot. Rest in peace my dear sweet little nancy. :'(

In memory. Nancy 2012~2014 May u find peace dear my darling :')

Last but not least...

I was reading this book. Then it got to a part where she say she lose herself. She thought about the person she used to be. And that she feel she couldnt not connected to her if she got further away and she wanted to find herself back.

And as for me.. i know i lose myself too. Im no longer the same person i used to be and i really do miss her. But somehow i am not planning to find her. Well, at least not for now.

Even roomate i pun ckp i laen. I byk menyendiri. Yelah selama nie i byk lyn movies. Now, i bkk kejap je pastu i tutup. I lay down and listen to music or read some novel. I pun xtau npe i mcm tu. And lately i rasa mcm i nk delete this blog. Sbb i rasa that girl who love to say things she felt and think are now gone. So whats the point of this blog still exist? But seeing all those post being delete was plain cruel. So i let it stay. Just maybe i am not gonna post anything for awhile. Well, maybe.

Yeah, i tau last time i rasa mcm nie masa i nk give up on joe. The thing is it might be. But somehow read those old conversation, those word he used to say make me change my mind. I want to stay and hold on. But i forgot that was the old him. So, i think maybe i should just let go. Coz somehow i really dont know what i am holding on anymore. And waiting him was like.. waiting for rain in this drought. Useless and disappointing. I do miss him but hey.. i used to miss ashraf too.. So, it just another healing those broken heart again. I will be okay.

About those care less and heartless. Who am i kidding? That just like so not me. Maybe the heartless part dh nk dekat. Sbb.. adalah.. haha.. The care less.. I just xley. Mcm farah ckp i always be there for people. But who know maybe this time i should just ignore some of it. I wont ignore you girls. You like my sister, a family. How could i do that kn? Just to some people.. I need some alone time anyway. Did you know being alone was not mean you lonely. It give u some time to spent with yourself, get to know yourself. And thats why im gonna do. For now.

And i realize that it was okay to give up and let it go. Nope. Ia xde kene mengene dgn give up things that make you happy and love. I still pegang teguh with you should do thing thats you love.

Maybe those figuring things out was not really finish yet. Maybe.

But whatever it is, i might be okay even if i am not fine at all. But i do know for now, all i need was time.

Well, until we meet again. Xoxo.