Dream, past and remembering

 I did not know if it was a RED season or what but I feel of writing this, to pour this heartfelt that I felt for quite some time. I just realize that the last time that I was here was like 6 months ago. But maybe it was time to go and write again. I mean it won't be active like I used to but I might write when I feel like it. 

Before we began, let just talk about RED first. Oh my goodness, all too well was my favorite, always. The usual one is perfect, but the new long version was even better. I always thought that this song was meant for Ashraf. But after some time, I kinda listen to it when I feel sad or miss him. So the song was now dedicated to him. However, somehow the longer version one was perfectly dedicated to him by me. There are a few sentences or words in that lyric that resemble the things I had with him. But I guess RED will always be for Ashraf. After all, I did write a post about him with that title honestly.

Okay, let's move forward to the reason I was here. 

I guess I never wrote this after it happen. But somewhere around March this year, he came to my dream. I don't quite remember what the dream was now. But he did appear in my dream quite a few times that I continue to sleep so that I could see him even though he did not say much. But I did see him. And I was sad when I wake up as it was only a dream. A week before this dream, I did talk about him to Farah. Mostly about what happened. So after that talk, I just can't stop thinking about him. I missed him so very much. It feel like a week where I felt that way and just miss everything about him, about us. The flashback kept creeping on and he kept double-crossing my mind. It was like, they say all wells that end well but I am in new hell. 

Then, on the night of Tina's bachelorette party, I accidentally call him. I don't know how as the name of the person I was meant to call was different and in fact far from the letter of his name. I drop it once I realize it. After an hour, he called me back but I say 'wrong number, sorry'. And my day getting worse. Nope, I think the next day of it was getting worsen. Usually, I will only have a week to have this kind of breakdown but this has been a few weeks and weeks turn to month. The heart won't rest and the mind kept playing the flashback. But I keep calm and let the heart, mind, and soul feel what it needs to feel. It took quite some time to recover. Feels like I just took numerous steps back but I was fine afterward.

But he called me out of a sudden. He called when everything was back to normal and fine. I did not answer it a first as I thought I was dreaming. But he called me the second time and I hear his voice. His rough-the kind I like- voice. I quite feel my heartbeat fast as usual and everything feels dead silent. We talk for quite a while and I was happy and glad to know that he was okay and everything went well for him. He said he will call again later but he never did. Up until now. But I did not mind much as I felt maybe this is the 'closer' that I was looking for. So I felt grateful instead.

I could say that we go our own separate way after that call. Never to heard and know again. And it was okay. But there is always one of those days that I thought about him and reminisce about the past where everything was good between us. And yeah sometimes I do wonder if he remembers it all too well.

It has been quite a while and today he appeared in my dream. It felt real. And I never thought I saw him so clear, so vivid. At first, I thought it was just a random dream. But there he was with his old grey/green pleated shirt. Watch me, smile at me. I did not say anything as I am still shocked. The funny thing I say was. 'you never call and say anything. so I move on with my life. He smile and hugged me. Every dreamt I had of him, he never say enough or anything. He just does a random gesture or smiles. We got married in that dreamt of mine. And I could feel in my bones that this was just a dream and I want out. I want to wake up. I don't want this. I never want this anymore. 

I got out and wake up. But even when I say I don't care and that it is just a dream. I still think of that dream. But his vivid face was slowly disappearing and fading from my mind. Thus, before I forget all about it, I wrote it here. And layer if I came back and read it, I will remember it all too well.

Unmoved

Its funny how those feeling makes you feel like it was the first time even though you have felt it so many time, you have been through this before. 

You've been madly in love with a person before and things end somehow. And then you met another person and you fall madly in love with them. And you started to say to yourself that is this what falling in love feels like. Okay maybe between those two person, they gave you different kind of sparks and vibe. But still, you fall in love and you falling apart. 

It same goes with break up. You've been hurt before. You remember crying so hard on the day that person left. You remember falling apart in the middle of night, reminiscing those memories, looking back into those sign of trouble. But then one day you wake up being a new person again, you move on. You missed that person but it was not the same. You accept that things happen for a reason. 

And now, you've gone through the same heartbreak but with a different kind of person. You cry , you falling apart, you having a flashback, you trying to make sense of things that happen. And you question yourself, how did you move on before, will you ever move on. And same like above, maybe those two different people give a different rush and adrenaline.

He was not my first love. He was not the person that mean so much to me before. But when he left, he leave a huge hole inside of me. A hole that i could not fit with anything. A hole that i fill with the things he likes. I kept remind myself i deserve better but my heart long for him. I tried to get myself up and get through each day. But when the night came in, i miss him more and i looked back to the memories of him and i. How did i move on before? How did i get through this before?

For awhile, i could feel myself disappear. I could feel that i am not the person i used to be. I remember being happy but i do not know who she was anymore. I felt so lost. I felt that everything and everyone is moving fast while i am still standing here, unmoved. Honesty, will i survive this?

Look into the bright side

I know that i will always have this soft spot for him. I knew i do. Eventhough i say that i will never let him in, that i was mad at him, that i was moving on blah blah blah. He somehow always have the power to change my mind and melt me. He always knew what to say or do. And i fall again. I fall again hard on the floor.

There is something inside of me that give me hope especially when he said he wanted to meet so that i could show him all the anger i kept for him. And it give me hope that he has changed that we can somehow probably fix this, whatever this is. Yelah selama ni kn it was one sided. Now maybe can be two sided?

But there also a part of me that just give up. I dont want to give a try anymore. I try to save it and now im done. And i dont know if we can fix this anymore. I  know that there was this 10 or 11 years of friendship but what does it mean if you just gonna come and go right?  I give my all and now i had nothing to give anymore.

Still, i was waiting for him to make any move to make it right again. A chance to prove to me that he's change, that he's cared. So prove me joe. Prove it to me and showed me that it is worth of trying. Give me a good reason to stay coz i have none except of us being together for too fucking long. I give you one last chance because i had this thought that the universe want us to at least have it sort it out and even if we gonna be apart for good this time, at least it be a good goodbye, a good closure. Im trying to be positive here, about you, about me and about us.

But if there is nothing at all, if you wanna shut me again, then I want you to leave. Im tired. And im done. I did my best try to save us, to fix us. But i guess we cant be fix. This cant be save. And now I want you to go and never come back. I want you to go because i cannot deal with this anymore. I cant be the one who falls apart when you decide to leave again. I cant be the one who try to put the pieces together when you broke it and shatter it into a million pieces. I cant be the one who stay here in this silence and in this darkness full of your memory and us. I cant anymore.

So now im asking you to go if you had nothing to say. Just. Please. leave.

Just another meltdown

I realize that there was a day when i would like to do nothing and just lay on my bed and staring on the ceiling or walls. I dont know whats going on inside my head but i do know that it was full of overthinking and anxiety. The music on the background was just giving some melodramatic on the situation. It didnt usually happen for so long. Probably it lasted for 2 or 3 days. Depends on how i handle it. During these time, i cant pretend that i was happy. I cant even make myself happy. I try but it just seems like i force it and then i will make it worse. I just had to somehow deal with it and just go with the flow.

Just last week, im having it. I know there was something wrong with me when i didnt do the things that i do. I was more to laying on my bed kt rumah sewa i ni, and staring at the ceiling and thinking and kept on wandering. I feel like there are some hollow inside of me that dying to be fill up with. I feel like im giving up somehow. All i ever did was sleep that day. Sleep was like the only cure i had for now. Sleep is the only way i could escape myself from this horrible nightmare. 

I feel the  need to have a good cry but i could not cry if it was for something silly or for some guys who didnt appreciate me. I need a good cry to let everything out, to make me feels better again.vI desperately need to cry but i cant. I tak tau lah sama ada i turn myself to cold hearted or im dead inside that sometime it seems like i was a heartless and emotionless person smpai nak nangis pun susah. Or just an ego maniac that i force myself not to cry so i wont feel weak. Because cry is a sign of weakness somehow. But actually it doesnt. It was also a strength where you feel stronger after you cry coz you let it out after long of hold it up inside of you. 

So how can i make myself cry? 

Self hurting?

Nope.

I watch a few death scene or almost death scene in grey's anatomy. Sebab tu i kene ada all the episode, all the season of grey's inside my hard drive and laptop in case im having another melt down like right now. 

So today i spent like..  i dont know.. 5 or 6 hours of repeatedly death scene and i cant stop crying. I stop until i feel tired and enough. Funnily wlaupun i tgh tgk death scene, i am actually having some flashback of good memories before it turn out bad. So yeah, i start with meredith bomb episode, meredith drowning episode then the gunshot scene, henry death, the plane crush scene, the mark sloan death, derek death and meredith attacked scene. Yep. i watch all those scene and cry and cry and cry.. 

And now im feeling better. For now im feeling better. It just another melt down. Thats all. I need to get out more i think. I need to do something to make me feels better, to make me face less and less of this break down. I will find a way later. I will.

She's long gone

I miss the old me. I miss how i can smile to anyone that i met on street, to anyone that i barely know. I was just so happy, so full of life. I was this miss happy go lucky. I miss how friendly i can be. But now.. now im totally opposite. I am smiling but im not sincerely smile. I walk with my head look down so i dont have to see others' faces and feel the need to smile at them. I pretend to be happy when i was so broken inside. I feel like i was dark and cloudy. But i was pretending that i was full of sunshine or whatever. I fake it. I wear my fake happy mask. Until i dont know who i was anymore. Until i lose myself. Until i couldnt take off this mask anymore. As if it was part of me. As if it was parasite that sucked every good things in me. I couldnt take it off.

I miss the old me. Where did she go? 

I wanna be happy again. I really do. But it was like a curse u know. Or maybe u just cant fix whats already broken. I was falling apart. I was. Im tired of being sad and miserable. Life too short for sorrow. I know i never gonna get the old me again. She's long gone. But i do know that im done with this shit. I wanna be happy. So i am allowing myself to be happy. I am allowing myself to feel every emotion that ever exist in the human nature. I am allowing myself to be happy again. And try to take off this mask. And be happy for real this time. Who knows she will come back again. Who knows kn? 

Npe tebe ckp psl bnde alah ni? Xtau lah. Ada kene mengene gak ngan Grey's Anatomy yg i layan like almost everyday. But im not gonna talk about it in this post. Probably next post. Maybe. Oh, npe tetbe ckp psl bnde alah ini? Ntah... sbb tetbe tdi tgh borak ngan chang.. oh yeah.. sbb i xabis2 hntr emoticon pig kt dia. Spae sruh sakat orng. N he was like 'apa jadi dgn su ni. Su x mcm ni dlu. Npe npe'. And i was like, 'kau bkn kenal or tau aku dlu mcm mne pun.' And he said 'mmg xkenal sgt tpi rasanya dia xde lah mcm ni.' I ckplah 'people change. nothing to be surprise with.' And he was like 'why change like this? where the old su.' And im being honest, i told him that 'she's gone or she grown up.' And dia ley lak tetbe gedik gle, balas, 'i want to see her. i really want. please. go and find her.' Amboi amboi.. So i ckp jelah, 'but does she want to see you, thats the question.' Then i convince balik yg 'she's long gone. Dont know where she go. Cant find her anymore.' Tetbe je, dia balas, 'she refuse, its ok. i just see her at long distance.' And i know he wasnt talking about me i think. And beside we just playing english to improve his english. But last thing he said was 'find her, try as u can.'

But thats the thing u know. U cant just find her. She's long gone. Dont u get it. I miss her but there is really nothing i could do. Except trying to be happy once again. Thats the 1st step. Maybe slowly she would come back. 

Fragile

“we hide behind a fakeSMILE to mask the pain but sometimes we wish someone would look closely enough and see how broken we really are inside”

—

(via wsabe) Kadang kadang tu kita ingt kita ni kuat mcm iron man tpi hakikatnya we pretty fragile and vulnerable inside. But somehow we pretend that we were okay, that nothing was wrong. We played the happy-go-lucky-person type of role in front of people and curled up crying in darkness.  I was an over-thinking freak. I was always do. Its kind of habit or my thing actually. And these past few days had been hard. Bkn sbb assignment berlambak. Well, that was one thing. But i dont really that mind. My fault for being procrastinate. Tpi ada gak a few assignment, group assignment to be specific which kalo dlm contrast dia, do in group, teamwork or whatever. Tpi apa jadi, haram jadah semua campak aku. Mmg aku ketua tpi xley semua nk aku yg buat. Mcm tu baik buat individu je which i pretty much ok with it. Sbb yg penat aku, bukan kau wahai hamba Allah. Pastu aku ler yg nk kene fikir apa yg nk kene siap, mcm mana nk buat. Kau ingt aku xde kerja lain ha? Im so tired with these kind of people. Ya, mungkin kau nmpk aku diam, ikut je kehendak kau. But to be really honest, once i blow out, you wont see me as the same person anymore. Eh, aku malas lyg species homosapien mcm kau ni tau. And thats why all you see is me ignoring every shit of you. Penat. Im so tired with people, the kind of people like you.  Semoga kau berubah. And semoga Allah tabah and sabar kn hati aku ni. Bape minggu je lagi. Kuat lah wahai hati, And i thought of not going home for this week but seeing me so intense and all, make me change my mind. I dont want to face another episode of depression. So lbih baik aku balik rumah, surround myself with lovely and happy people dripada aku mereput dlm bilik ni, tgk dinding yg pucat sbb dia pun xsanggup tgk aku lagi. Kang lgi depress aku dduk kt sini. Home is all i needed wlaupun kalo aku dduk ukm ni pun, coursemates aku nk kluar n aku ley je ikut dorng sbb dorng mmg ajak pun. It just that, depression make you an anti-social person and lebih ske ke arah menyendiri. Sbb tu kalo dduk kt ukm ni pun, aku bkn bwatpe pun selain mengenang nasib je. Huehue. But it feel a relieve a bit ble tdi dpt luahkn perasaan kt the girls. Nadia pling memahami sbb prnh mengalami nyer. I baru seru2 nama mai tdi kt twitter sbb masa kt matriks dlu, i always with her. Any kind of problem she or me facing, a hug cure everything a bit when the the mouth just lost all the words. And to be honest, i really need a hug right now. It will be so much better and i want maicawah. Get well soon syg.. i sruh fawah jaga u baik2.. dia je yg pling dekat dgn u bwat masa nie.  And to be honest it feel nice actually to be surrounded with friends who can cheer you up and who can make you forget the chaos in your mind

Beautiful tragic

To be honest i never thought that the friendship that i had, that i try so hard to keep it, just came to an end. Just like that. I try to make myself feel better. I told myself that no distance can destroy our friendship. Of course we both busy with our lives but once we talked or see each other, everything fall like it used to be. But who am i kidding? It never did. I try to compare the friendship that i had with the girls or any friends of mine with you. But it was different. Eventhough the girls and i study in different place and we rarely see each other like we use to back in school. But somehow everytime that i talked to them whether call or just texting or we go meet up somewhere, all those time we separate just disappeared. It was as if we always see each other just like we in high school all over again. Nothing awkward and nothing change. But with you. It feels different. It feels like we're a stranger that just meet for the first time. There are similarities but most of it was blurring.

I miss those times when we never run out of things to say. I miss how comfortable and safe i feel whenever i talked to you. I miss how i could be my own self when im with you. I miss how happy and those bubbly feeling i felt when im around you I miss the late night deeper conversation. What happen? What really happen? I try to question myself and find something to blame. But all i end up was blaming the time and the question left un answer. I try to hold a little bit longer. Try to fight any doubt or thoughts that running around my mind. But you seem so far away and you keep on running. And i guess i get used of you not being around, of you ignoring me. So i stop trying and just let go. And its true i will never meet anyone like you but i was glad that i got a chance to know you and all the memories i had about you even though what we had was a sad beautiful tragic. 

So i guess thats why i was mesmerized with this poem. It relate to me and i am lost in those beautiful words.

Cannot be replaced

Remember when we were kid and we lost our precious toys whether its a teddy bear or favorite toy car. And our parents will bought us the new one to replace it. And even if its not the same. You were so happy to have it and forget the old one. But we were talking about the non living things here. Maybe it was the age, the mentality. Yelh. Time kecik mana fikir apa2 sgt. Nangis ble something broken or hilang. But happy ble dpt yg baru. And even if its a living thing, we didnt really remember. We easily forget. I guess. We were so little that time.

But thats not my whole point.
So just forget about it.

I know it was so soon and it wasnt that i wanted to forget her or replacing her. Fyi, she will never be replace. She was my everything and the very 1st love as i like to call. But well, kwn my mom i just give us new kittens. Yep. Kittens with the 's'. I got 3 kittens. Actually we just want 2, one female and the other is male. But since the owner ckp kesian tgk yg male tu tpisah ngan adik kandung dia, he just give us 3. So now 2 male and 1 female lh. Porak peranda lh umah aku. Haha.. But since they were little and not get along, we rarely bwak dorng kluar. Dorng mostly dduk dlm cage. Unlike nancy. Yg bley gi mana2 je sesuka hati dia. I miss her though.

To be honest, even with the new one around, i still miss her. I still feel her around me. I still feel she was there, do things she do and watching me. And i still cry. Even now. I still look at her picture and cry. I miss her. I miss everything about her. I wish i could turn back the time. I wish i could save her. I wish a lot of things. But i know what past is past. I couldnt change it. I couldnt go back. I just had to simply accept qada' n qadar. Redha with everything that has been writtin.

 Okay nasuha stop.

Sorry. Got carry away.
Anyway, the new one x diambik gmbr lgi sbb mmg ske blari. Kecik lgi kn. So phm2 lh. 

Till again.

Eulogy

To my sweet dear nancy..

Having you around all those years was amazing and enjoyable. I never thought that our time is short to spend time together, to play and be together. I always looking forward to go back home, to see you, to hug and kiss you. But now, i was afraid to go home, i couldnt go home. Bcoz i felt the presence of you around me. The usual place you sleep or those place where you just sit around and watching us. That time when i was watching tv and you jump to me so you could see it with me. Or when you just want to sleep beside me or manja2. And when i tgh solat, and you sit beside me, watching me. I still feel like you were there, do things that you used to do.

I miss your voice. I miss the sound of your bell when you walking or run. I miss when you wake me up in the morning. I miss when you sleep beside me or adik. I miss dukung you. I miss hug and kiss you. I miss when we watch frozen together and i keep singing 'do you wanna build a snowman'. I think if you could talk, you would slap me and ask me to let go of those frozen thing.

But this time, i had to let go of you. And eventhought i still couldnt stop crying. I know that you in a better place. And that now you sleep peacefully. I saw you go in 60 seconds. But i felt like it was only 1 second. I felt like i wanna scream that time when they put you sleep. I want to ask them to stop. But i had to do what i had to do. I gotta let go. And move on with my life.

Im going to miss you a lot baby. In fact, all of us going to miss you. We all love you so much. And to see you suffering like that, its devastating. And we all redha with everything that happen.

Thanks darling for spark my day and my life. No one could ever replace you. And no one could compare you. But i was glad that i could see you, sleep with you, kiss and hug you for the very last time.

I love you sayang. Always do, always will and always am. I miss you a lot. Rest in peace my dear sweet little nancy. :'(

In memory. Nancy 2012~2014 May u find peace dear my darling :')

Saying Goodbye

To be honest, its hard to fight this urge feeling to text you. Even when i say goodbye and that i wont text u anymore. I just couldnt. I wish i had someone i could really talk to or someone that prevent me from texting you. The thing is it is not that we text each other every day. no. we are not like me and ashraf. we are so much different. i dont really know what we are. i mean we are not lovers but we are more than friends. no. it wasnt friends with benefit. i dont know. there was day when i wanna talk to you so bad and we had the longest conversation. or short. i dont care. as long as i could talk to you whenever i feel want to. or you text me. i dont care. as long as i could talk to you. i miss you joe.

Maybe i took granted on you. Maybe i thought you would never leave me. like you said it once. im so dumb. ive should know better. Maybe i want more. or maybe i was hoping too much. I just hope you would tell me goodbye. that you want to end this friendship. like we once had when we had a big fight. why you left me with no notes? why you left me with nothing? ashraf was so much better than you. much nicer than you. at least he say when he wanted to leave. eventhough he gave me the stupidest excuse ever. but i forgave him. but you, you just leave. and you left me hanging with question.

I said im done. I said im through. I said goodbye hundred of time. I said this will be the last time. I said you never hear from me anymore. But i couldnt lie to myself that somehow i was hoping you will come back. that somehow things will be like i it use to.

I wish you would just say goodbye. I really do joe. I will be much more easy for me. At least..

losing someone

People come and people go. It was hard to tell who would really stay nowadays. I always thought people who had been with me long enough, knows me well would definitely stay. But it was wrong.

You see, a few years ago, i met someone who was like so not my type in any other ways. But somehow in those years we become friend. A best friend. And to be honest ive never had a friendship with a guy this long. And neither did him. But we did.

As our age grew, i realize my feeling towards him is growing too. It didnt get stronger as i can control it. But who knows he had the same feeling as i am. So, we end up having a long deeper conversation. We talked about our hopes and dreams, what we want to do in the future. Stuff like that. We not lovers but more than friend.

Not long before this post, he starting to distance himself. At first i didnt really mind when he didnt reply my text and calk. He might be busy. Its eid mubarak anyway that time. But later, i soon realize, he really is ignoring me.

Yeah, u must think, dia buat dekk je, xyahlah nk risau and sedih sgt. Nnti dia contact ah kau balik. But this is joe we are talking about. He never acted this way even if he is bad mood or having some problem. He always make a time for me. What make him change?

Am i hurting his feeling? Did i did something wrong? Was this coming so fast? Im not superwoman joe? I cant read mind. Im not like professor x.

Im giving him space. Im about to give up but everytime i told myself, lantak pilah dia. taulah dia nk mai balik nnty. My heart will find a way to show me, to convince to never give up on him. I hate this feeling. Why cant my heart just let him go.

We not lovers but more than friend. But losing a bestfriend is far more hurt than losing a bf. Bcoz bestfriend always be there whenever weneed them. Bestfriend accept who we are. Bestfriend knows us too well. But now im losing someone that i call friend.

Im crying hard the other. Its worst. And im about to think to shut down my blog and starting a diary like i use to do back then. But thinking how many tree have sacrifice if im using a diary, i change my mind. I love to write. I love to tell a story of mine. I dont really care what people say or think. This is me. And this is my blog. So lantak pilah.

I guess patah seribu all over again and repeat on my playlist. :(

I miss you joe. a lot. and you dont know how much i need you right now. and you dont even know how much you meant to me pentol. but if ever i slipped into ur mind, remember i always be here for you no matter what. and i wait for you just like i promise.

Messed Up Feeling

This is a messed up feeling. I dont know if i miss you or i just having an unstable emotion right now. Coz you showed up in my mind out of blue. Uninvited. I pick the second guesses.

And now i cant stop thought of you. So, here i am, laying on my bed, listen to I Can Wait Forever non-stop while wrote this post. Why this song? It was the song he used to dedicated to me. No, its not like i will wait for him forever. I was low in patience. I didnt remember much about you and us. We were so young that time and we just wanna have fun. Even i didnt know what i was thinking or want that time.

No, im not gonna sing  Back To December song. To be honest, i dont want us getting back together eventhought sometime it cross my mind what if we stayed?

I remember the way the way you treat me. You are the nicest and sweet guy i ever know. But i hurt you. Deep. And im sorry. Any girl who have you are lucky. And i meant it this time. I never regret knowing you coz somehow you make me realize that a good guy like you exist in this cruel world. :) but i regret for the mistake i did. that maybe we both did. but if i use my logically more, these thing wont happen. but hey, things already did happen and who am i to change it. Im not god nor that i know how to invent time machine. Those thing exist in the movie only. Sad life.

I repeat. this is a messed up feeling. coz im being this emotional bitch. Im not hoping you remember me but i did somehow hoping i cross in ur mind sometimes. And no, im not gonna wish we will getting back together coz it just so wrong. You and me. It just didnt feel right. Beside,our story like romeo and juliet. But im the version of juliet who letting go her romeo and listen to her dad.

And somehow im glad i made that decision coz look where we are right now. You had the career you want ( i think) and a lovely girl beside you. While i.. i still got a very long way to go and a guy that i just realize that ive been falling for since i dont know when. But telling him now seems like wasnt a right time now. Well, insyallah. Kalo ada, x kemana pun :)

 i pray the best for you dear. always. :)

25th

This post that i wrote was sensitive and sad. I should let it go but i feel the needed to write it. It was the same thing that i use to publish in my blog but time heal so i stop wrote it. But today, i feel i have to write it. So, if you dont want to read it, stop, closed it, or return back, or scroll till it go to the post before this..

I guess 25th seems like a curse to me. Curse i thought that no longer tied to me since i move on. I know that. But today, i just  miss everything.. I guess fate lead me to this...

I open my myspace coz i need to find what muiz been sent to me a few month ago but i found something else.. The title its simple, 'hey sayang'. It caught my eyes and i open it. I read it.. I wanna cry coz it was beautiful. That moment. And i just wish i was there again when he called me sayang, when he call me honey, and when he ask me to be crazy about him and to be thinking about him.

And i cant stop. It feel addicted. It feel like drug that i no longer addict to but now im searching it. And i found it.. But this time, i feel cruel. Its all because of my mistake. If its not because of it, i might have him now. At least. To be honest, the mistake i regret so much starting from there. I wish i could turn back the time or at least warn myself on the past to not do this mistake in the future coz you regret it. So hard.

Now, im bubbling to dila.. about who i am back then. about ashraf. about those conversation. and i still cant stop it. Im addicted to it.. the conservation we use to have. those sweet name you use to call me. and i wish i didnt done what i did back then.. i m sorry for everything ashraf. if i could take it all back, i would. i really would..

i know its the past.. i know i said i move on.. but not today.. just not today..

For my lil sis

Sayang... i know what you've been through right now was so hard. Nk lak pulak ur sisters not around to support you. But you have to be strong starting now. You have to give support to your mom. Dont show how sad and sorry your are to her. Cheer her up and if you strong enough, try to act everything normal. Crack a joke, laugh, shared some story so that she wont feel like her sickness change everything. Make her feel like nothing has change. Try not to make her cry and sad. Dont make her worry. I know final exam was near but i know you can do it syg and gudluck btw. I pray for you and ibu.

Remember, nie smue dari ujian dari Allah. You have to be strong and sabar in facing this obstacle. Banyak kan berdoa dari Allah. Insyallah, Allah tu maha penyayang, Dia pastu bantu umatnya yang sabar.

Im not good at giving someone's advice. Its not like im never being through this. It just maybe im really not good at it. But aina, remember this, i always be here when you need a shoulder to cry or whatsoever. Like i say you like a little sister i never had.. i dah anggap you.mcm adik i. Kita pun slalu hangout kan and then stalk megat. Will do that again next time insyallah.
Stay strong for ibu ye aina and be a good girl which i know you are :)

I miss you like a lot kay!

Kita balik this merdeka. Tapi balik muar jelah sbb ada wedding. But thats not the thing i want to brag about. Me nak balik.. mcm xde cite laen je. -.-

Actually, i really excited nak balik. Nk jumpa my beloved family. Mmg xcukup kay cuti raya 2 minggu tu. Patutnya dia extend smpai abis 2sept. Seriously! Kay2.. actually.. my mom juat whatsapp me yg dia mmg xdtg that day. Okay, meleleh lah gak air mata. Mana taknya, i miss her, miss daddy, miss brother. So, bila sorng xde rasa incomplete tau. I know dia xpatut jalan jauh2 and byk sgt sbb tu i thought mcm dorng xdtg pun xpe. I can wait. Tapi mommy insist ckp daddy will come and dia stay kat umah. I worry kay. Kang jadi pape je kat umah tu. Mintak dijauhkan.

But i want you to be here mommy. I want to see your face. I want to hug you. To laugh with you. To spend time with you. I miss you kot. Like a lot. I miss daddy also. Yelah, daddy little princess kot. And my bro exspecially part cubit dia. Kalo bley i want each of you come. :'(

Okay for now. Syukur.

Today is my mom operation. And alhamdulilah. Everything went well. Im not sure if her cancer had been remove completely but for sure she seems better now. Syukur alhamdulilah. And for the time being i will take care of her. So, maybe this year i wont baking anything. Even if i do, it most probably after raya. Tgk lah macam mana.

But whatever it is, its over for now. Alhamdulilah. Syukur ke hadrat Ilahi. But somehow i still need to be strong for them and i dont want to make them worried about me.
Being the last to know was so bad. But understand why she did that. Its for my own good. I mean, i've having my exam that moment. No matter what, thankfully i was in holiday now. So, i can take care of her. Lakukan tanggungjawab sebagai anak. :)

Still... i kinda need it a hug from my girls. I didnt tell them though, but farah, if you read this, you know and seriously hug me tightly this thursday. Kalo x, let me hug u guys kay :p

Untitled

Every happiness has sadness..

I never thought it occur to me. I mean, i never imagine it ever happen to those i love. I always heard stories and try to imagine the feeling. But now, im in their shoes.

My mom never told me about it and i kinda forgot to ask her since i busy with the ups. And i assume she forgot it too or that she doesnt want to make me worry. How i wish it was nothing but the result came and it shown the other way round. Im truly sad and i want to cry so hard but i have to be strong for her and for my father also. It was only stage one and it can be removed. But as people know, it always be there somehow.

Ya Allah, kau kuatkan lah hati hambamu ini. Kau kuatkan lah hati ibu dan ayahku. Permudahkanlah segala urusan pada hari isnin depan. Panjangknlah umur kedua ibu bapa ku. Amin. :'(

Its Tough

Lately nie kan aku selalu down lepas balik dri class ari jumaat. Mcm semlm lah.Tapi semlm laen sket. Aku plan nk bgitau die minggu dpn tapi entah npe aku gi ckp semlm. I told him that this month  is my last class. And he was like why. Tapi xabis lgi aku ckp, die dah ckp dulu. Its because my matriks. Yeah, i got it. Tapi xtau npe a part of me mcm xnk go. And other part of me like awalnya.. im not ready.Its not just because of him je. I know im going to be homesick. Yelah selama nie aku mne pernah away from parents aku kn. Its a new exprience and im so excited.

Tapi tgk die mcm tu semlm, makes everything seem a bit difficult. Then, before i left, i told him that im not 100% sure coz im still waiting for my upu. Kalo dpt upu, i guess i dont have to leave that early. And die mcm sure gila aku dpt upu. Mamat nie biar betik. Nujum pak belalang ke. And die ketawa smbil angguk. Ya Allah, comelnya die.

Pastu entah mcm mne, timbul soal adik beradik. He told me that die pun due beradik mcm aku and die pling tua. Part tu kan aku rse mcm xde peluang je coz mesti adik die lgi tua dri aku kot. But wrong, adik die sme umur ngan aku. Xdelah relieve sgt sebenarnya. Yg aku nie pun satu. Belum ade pape lagi lah. I mean mne tau die dah ade ehem ehem ke. But i really really like him. I never felt something like this before. He didnt gave me this butterfly thing when he stare at me. But he did make my heart beat faster than regular beat and when we were away,  i kinda thinking about him sometime. He just like pop in my head all of sudden. I was starstruck. It just another crush i know. Eventhough i kinda hoping for more kot. Tapi xpelah, ada, adalah kan. I am glad i meet someone like him though. I mean who know music better than him kan? Joe pun xmcm die okay. Plus, he's a musician and i always want to fall for musician.

Did i tell you die like a big Najwa Latif's fan? He is! So, Najwa, I know you got a lot of hater but you still have a fan out there and i know just a person that was a big fan of yours. He wasnt big fan of Yuna like i was but he know a lot about Yuna than i am. I must say quite impersive lah awk nie. I like you btw. If only i got lot of guts. I must be saying those word right on ur face somehow. :)

In My Sleep

Why i post this song? Other than the fact that this song is awesome is that the words really show how i felt right now towards you.. Yeah, you.. 

When life gets hard

Aku xtau nape tapi everytime aku dalam keadaan yg mcm... emotional. I always hoping that ashraf was there beside me. I wish i was his again and i wish we were back again. I know i said i moving on and that i am happy for him when he met someone new but i cant ignore a feeling that i miss him and i wish he was here with me. Ive know him almost 4years now and even if we had a fight or a very bad break-up, i will always came back into his life even as a friend. I never been away from him for along time. Aku rase pling lame pun setahun. He wasnt my friend. He wasnt my bestfriend. He was someone special. He was my first love. I may not share everything with him like i share with my girls and joe. But he knows me too well that he know when something is wrong with me. Just like when i know die merajuk or whatsoever.

There was a time that i hope the time machine was invent and i could go back to where i t all begin between us and fix the problem we had. But there also a time that i think maybe this is what it should be from the beginning, friendship and not more than that. Maybe if we never end up to be together, i think you will be my guyfriend like joe. Maybe. But even joe cant mend up my feeling of despair when life gets hard.

Ever since you and i together, im not really the kind of girl that tell her true feeling. And until now, i am still that kind a girl. I just need you to be there when my life seems like shit. I just want you to cheer me up even if you just text 'PING!'. I need you ashraf. At least for now, for the time being.