white carriage and getaway car

I attended Yanie's wedding last month. And this was my first time attend to a wedding of my UKM's classmate. I missed out on Anis's wedding few years back sebab i tgh bercuti time tu. And since i takde pape and my parents pun ikut join sekali gi wedding yanie, why not kan.. Aww... dua classmate i, mariners dah kahwin.  Really happy for both of them.. Tapi tulah bila tgk orng kahwin rasa diri ini pun nk kahwin gak.. hahaha.. tapi tak salah kan... lols.. But seriously i had this kind of feeling lately bila i tgk orng yg i kenal kahwin.. mcm nk kahwin gak tapi tulah takde calon.. huhuhu.. and maybe ada calon tu tpi i nak dia, dia yg tak tau nk i ke tak.. hahaha.. lols..

Anyway, I always fantasize that by the age of 25th, i should have settle down. I should met a man that i want to spent my whole life with. And well, we not lived happily ever after but we just happy with each others. We fight, we make out, me support each other, we be there for each other. The one that i could share everything with and accept me for who i really am. And maybe sbb tu tahun 2019 ni i mcm anxious sikit sebab yelah i 25 ye tahun ni. I was supposed to get married this year. But i guess it wont be happening anytime soon and i will be missed out my own wedding i guess.

After joe asked that question last 2 year, jujur i ckp a part of me was very happy, a part of me could see that everything that i dream finally came true, a part of me was fantasize and planning. But then.. well you know.. things happen.. and now it end to whatever it is now.

I told myself that i dont care that much, that i was fine tapi i kan typical perempuan. Bila je i ckp yg i ok is i betul betul okay. It hurts you know. That everything just kinda destroy and burn. But somehow i pick up those little bits of pieces and save it.. just in case.. who knows it work out at the end. Honestly, a part of me still believe, still fantasize and planning.. kalo tak, takkan lah i kept some information/help for my future self if she ever get married in the future.. And since we talked about marriage, we just go on with this okayy.. just bear with me ye or you could just skip this post. I wont mind.

My dream wedding keep on changing as i grow up. I tak tau lah sbb pengaruh semasa or just the media. But I used to loved big wedding and i be the center of attention. Only for that special day ye. But now, i more to simple but elegant. Tak perlu ramai orng. Ckup lah closed friends and family je. I was thinking 250-300 max. Cukuplah. Reramai pun buat apa. I rimas dan rasa semak ye. Oh, I tak nak ada bridesmaids. And taknak ada pengapit. I rasa tak perlu kot since tempat i tu dewan. Yang ni mmg dari dlu i nk dewan yg  ada aircond ye sbb selain untuk diri i, ia juga untuk my guests. And i plan to do it at night, under the stars. Tpi tak nmpk lah star nyer since dalam dewan.. kau rasa? kalo nk sgt gi luar dewan. Hahaha.. But if i had to have a pengapit, i nak fiqah who is my person to be pengapit i. Sbb dia ada positivity yg i need when im down. And bila i doubt, she can always take me away in a getaway car. Im serious okayy... I tau i ada buat janji dgn angah dlu psl nk jadi pengapit in each other wedding. But now i more to no.. In fact jadi pengapit angah ni pun i berat hati sebenarnya ye. Tpi nk buat mcm mne. Dia dh bagi kain dh pun so no way out i guess. I just hope on the day i kahwin, angah tgh sarat mengandung. Amin. Since majlis i buat malam, i was thinking to finish it in a day, means nikah petang, sanding malam. Mcm tulah plan i tapi tulah planning je.. It could change you know, not by me but by others. I yg terpaksa menerimanya ye. Hahaha..

But then this was all just a dream.. it was not really meant to come true. I mean, i wish it would somehow, someday.. I just hope for the best. Tapi tulah, the heart wants what it wants and it wants Joe. There is nothing i could do about it unless of course joe decide otherwise. But then it was like more to Joe or nothing. So yeah, im better off being alone anyway. Better like that kot. Hati i pun tak sakit. Kalo sakit pun, jap je. Esok lusa dia healing.

I had this conversation with my mom the other day. She was like so keen on me being open and just be friend with people. More specifically, people who were single and straight man. Yelah sekrng kn akhir zaman, so banyak je yg bengkok and actually a married man. I told my mom like i trained myself to say everytime this issue brought up. I did be open and be friend with many people that i come to know all the way. I bukan nyer terus shut people, taknak kawan langsung, sombong or whatever. Cuma nyer, dorng kene lah start the conversation because i wont do it unless perlu. And bukan nyer i tak balas msg tu. I balas kot cuma maybe dia akan nmpk mcm biasa2 je sbb dia tak kenal i lagi. So what they get is only my surface. They need to stay longer for my shell to be open and i need to make sure that they can handle the 'savage' of me. Thats what i told my mom lah.

The thing that i did not tell her is that my heart choose joe. I choose joe. I know he is the one i want to spent my whole life with, the one i willing to take risk with. And I dont know if i could love the next person more than i love joe. Sbb i rasa i already give too much, investing a lot on joe that i dont think it will be any left or enough for the next person. And im scared that i will not gonna put much effort when things go wrong. Like i could give 10% effort on saving the relationship. But that person need to do more because i am helpless. But that is all what i feel or think. Who knows when i meet the right person, everything will fall into place and it will be enough and equally.

But seriously, like i said before, i think im better be on my own. I know each people deserve someone in their life. I just dont think it was meant for me i guess? And kalo i tak end up dgn joe. I okay je be alone. Of course tipu lah kalo tak jealous or tak rasa pape, i bukan heartless even though i wish i was but i wasnt. So yeah. Tapi sebab dh pilih jalan ni, kenelah adapt, kenelah pndai handle bila these situation or feeling appear.  As for kid, well, i can always adopt. Sekrng kn byk je yg buat dlu, fkir kemudian pastu end up terbuang. Kesian tau. But then i am like not really have any intention to invest in kids and education unless it was my education. So i guess i stayed with cats.. love them.. hahaha...

So sis akhir kan post ni dengan a few pictures that were taken at Kuantan, attend Yanie's wedding.

Before gi wedding, we all decide to eat something sweet first

Not the one i order since i punyer in video form

The one i order, hopefully boleh play lah

Our favorite pose, i pun tak tau nape mariners suka sangat gaya this pose

Mariners with yanie x husband.. congrats babe...

All of us

mak cik bawang sekalian.. hahahaha

The winner takes it all

I feel like the universe is punish me for something. Because somehow the universe just smack me down whenever i am ready to move on, somehow the universe was like, 'no girl, it is not your time to move on'. Everytime. I do meant it everytime. 

I sent that text to joe yesterday and i block him afterwards. Just like i plan. I did what i said. And i feel fine. Like kalo dia balas pun, confirm ahh i tak dapat kn. So i just whatever. Im move on. I even said im ready to move on on my post yesterday. I was ready to move on and let go.

I was fine until i received a call last night. At first i didnt pick up because that number was so familiar. I felt like it was him. So lepas he hang up. I re check the number. Seems similar tpi ada few numbers in it yg different. The i text fiqah asking her if she called me using someone else phone. And she said she didnt. Then the number came up again. So second time must be urgent kan. Sbb eager sgt call kali kedua. Masa tu i fkir maybe one of my classmate call i sbb nk tnye bila i balik kl maybe sbb  nk tumpang ke apa ke. So i just pick up. Masa tu mg tak fkir it was joe. Yelah dlu pun masa dia call i and i tak angkat. Sekali tu je dia call. Takde pun try again. So maybe it wasnt him.

But it was him.. I bila dgr suara lelaki je, i was like, ok bukan classmate i sbb classmate i semua pompuan. Then the name. Satu satu nyer makhluk yg boleh ter silap nama i, change it from Nasuha Nadira to Nadira Nasuha, hanya joe. He is the only guy who always seems like messed up with name. Because he called me Nadira instead of Nasuha like any of my other friend. So i assume dia mesti ingt nadira tu first name. But for him to remember my name was quite impressive sebabnya i takde facebook and i block him on twitter and unfriend him in instagram. And the only social media yg dia slalu bukak pun facebook. So kau rasa??? 

We talked a lot last night. And i didnt realize how fast the time is, or how long we talked. To be honest i rasa mcm i borak ngan dia like half and hour je. But actually. Almost 2 hour gaklah sbb i miss watching JDT lawan Penang semlam. I literally tak tgk pun bola semlam. He called me on the minute JDT got their first goal. And i ingt baru half time bila i habis ckp ngan joe. Tpi bila i masuk bilik my parents tok tgk bola. Dh habis dh pun. Dorng tgh ckp2 and review and temu bual. I mean what the heck. Bapak lama i borak. Patut lah my mom cari i. 

And when my mom asked who was calling me and i told her that it was joe. My mom was like so happy. Like her face nampak giler happy. And i was like im the one who should be happy. Im the one who had those emotion yg my mom tunjuk. But i didnt. I dont know what i feel actually. I feel numb. Or maybe i was happy but too ego to even showed it. I dont know. I really dont. And bila i cite kt fiqah. She seems happy and tak habis2 kene kn i. Seriously i should have those emotion that both of them had. But i didnt. At that time i rasa mcm nk gi somewhere and jerit. I feel like i wanna scream. I wanna have a very good scream. But now all i feel was i wanna cry. I rasa mcm i nk tgk all those death scene in greys anatomy and have a good cry. 

I was mad at him. I really was. And i didnt expect him to call me. Dahlah gne number lain. Sbb number dia yg tu i dh block. But still, i didnt expect it. Masa berckp semlm pun,i was like so cold, so sarcastic and i say whatever i wanna said. Especially part dia lupe bday i and lpe nk call i when he said he would and how he didnt even said anything, not even a sorry after that day he was suppose to call me. I was mad. I was furious. And somehow he prepared himself. He knows that i was mad at him. He was so patience on me.

He shouldnt call me. He should leave. Why did he came back. Why cant he just reply text tu and thats it. Or why he call me again lepas i tak angkat. He should call me once. He shouldnt come back. The worst part of it all was i feel like i talked to a different person. I feel like i talked to the old him. And i hate it. I hate it because everything came rushing back. Everything that i want to erase. Everything that i want to forget. He started talked about how long we knew each other and the things we used to do. And now he was like trying to fix thing between us. He want to act he care about me, about us. Why joe? Why now? Why cant you just leave. Just leave. Just let me go and move on. Because im done and i lose all my hope and faith on you. I do.

I dont wanna talk about things we gone through. Though it hurting me but now it is history. I done all i can and i know you too. But now nothing more to say and nothing more we can do. We were once so happy and i thought you were the one. So i attach myself to you. But i was a fool to let my guards down for you. Somewhere deep inside, you must know that i miss you. But what can i say, we just not meant to be. I dont wanna talk because it make me feel sad. I understand that maybe this is the last time. I apologize if it makes you feel bad seeing me so tense and furious. But you take everything and i have nothing to gave you anymore. Im done.. The winner do takes it all.

To accept or not to accept

Well, thats a question... 

Alhamdulilah. I accepted in uitm. But somehow i tak make mind yet. It was either uitm or ukm. It was pretty hard to make this decision sebab nyer A) kt ukm i ada fiqah and some of fellow coursemate and B) i really really rasa nk sambung business course

Nampak tak how dilemma i was...

Bila fikir yg i dh get used dengan ukm nyer environment and it was so much easy dpt kolej kt ukm, makes me wanna stay in marine course in ukm. Or regret sebab tak apply business awal awal dlu. But then i feel like i need a new environment and meeting new people and learning something new, well, i makes me want to change to uitm and take business class... It was a very big decision to be honest.

You know what i think this time around? Joe. Yep, joe. Dlu pun pernah gak terlibat dgn dilemma ni psl nk pilih ukm or usm cuma courses dia tak jauh beza lah. And he was like super supportive and good listener. I know i probably should text him tapi entahlah. This time aroundthings have change and i takley dependable on him and he probably didnt care. Yeah whatever. 

Anyway, fiqah pernah ckp dlu masa teman i gi interview. Kalo Allah bagi kau dpt uitm, maybe tempat kau kt situ. It sadden me to leave fiqah all alone. Tapi tahlah, hati memang berat kt uitm dri dlu lagi cuma maybe tak expect dpat. I mean kalo tak dapat, senang kn nk buat choice? 

Well, things maybe hard for a year or less than that. But i will make it through. We all does right. Insyallah. Beside this is what i want. I remember told joe about this business dream i had masa tak tau nk apply apa waktu degree dlu wlaupun i sgt minat marine and my parents well like any other parents, prefer something cooler and usual. I told him my passion on business and he said that i can always further my study on business or take a 2nd degree or just go with it. Told ya he was great listener and good in giving advice sometime. So, insyallah this following march will be my new beginning. New environment, new people and new learning. 

Wish me luck awak awak...

Losing feeling

A friend ask me "is it normal to lose interest in guys and its not like im a lesbian or something."

When you had a significance other whom you love very much, mestilah u stick with them. The feeling will fix on them wlaupun kdg2  perangai dia mintak kaki. You stood by them no matter what. You choose him/her instead of others. So it is normal if you lose interest on other people bcoz your heart or feeling was fix on him/her, your significance other.

Like my friend who perfectly in love with her bf. So it was normal. Who knows maybe this time around she want to get serious with this guy. No more play around. And wlaupun i xdelah kenal laki tu sgt and xrapat sgt. But i know he is a good guy and im sure he can take care my best friend. Just like me, who had a feeling fix only for joe. How many times i try to walk away, move on, starting fresh/anew, forget all about joe, i end up running back and crawling back towards joe. Tah pape je. But it was true. I mean kalo x, npe it didnt work out between me and abg saga, Happy and Ijat. I mmg xde feeling lngsung kt dorng. I try tpi mmg xley bwat apa. Sbb then i try to compare them and joe and i pick joe of course. Tpi kalo tetbe dia jumpa someone, i akan undur diri. Apa2 pun, ada jodoh ada. Xde, we remains friend kan?

But then my friend ckp yg dia sendiri xsure dia ada feeling kt bf dia or x. And its worried me. So my theory is that maybe she and this guy get together terlalu cepat. I ingt lagi masa tu dia baru break ngan ex dia. She had a very very bad break up. And lgi teruk ble she need us, we couldnt be there sbb masing2 jauh n busy. Dapat moral support dri jauh je. And she was lost. Fast forward.Tak lama pastu we found out she was with this new/recent bf. Cepat kn? I rasa somehow she not ready and she just looking for a rebound relationship je. Knowing her, she just cant be alone. She needed some guy to be by her side. She just need some space actually. To pick up the pieces. To figure out. And just to know herself. 

Pape pun i hope my friend dpt cari solution yg sesuai. I cme dpt tolong dri segi advice je. Others, the action, the decision is all up to her. You are my bestest friend. I always be here if you need anything. And I always had your back. Ok syg?

 

Still into you

Have you ever feel so sure about something. It wasnt like you had a vision or anything. It just like something u had to do. And it just feel so right. Okay2. Let me explain.

Remember when i told in previous previous post that my feeling towards joe is slowly fading. And i want to start a new life without him. So i started to stop texting him and all. Eventhough i realize i kept on dreaming or fantasize about him. I know. Weird. But last Saturday. In desperate of need to know the score of JDT. I think, a text wast going to hurt. And it doest of course. But it was more than that. 

So after i know the score. I dont know whats going on with me. I start o rambling and talk about random stuff. Mungkin sbb dh lama xborak kot. And i rasa mcm tah pape je i ni. I just wish he didnt reply. Ignore me like he always do. But of course he didnt. Slalu mcm tu. Ble kte wish to happen, it just wont happen. Tpi ble kte nk dia lyn kte, dia ignore kte lak. I just dont understand this law of universe. 

Oh, the random stuff yg i ckp tu? I ckp psl my trip ke penang again. 28/8 nnti. But this time with the girls. Finally it happen. Well, selagi xsmpai penang tu ngan dorng, selagi tu i rasa xsecure. Takut gak ada yg cancel last minute. Spoil tau x. Ok smbung balik. After i ckp psl trip i tu semua. He was like hati2 nanti gi trip. Jaga diri. I tau it just a simple advice. Tpi hati i berbunga ok. He cared for me. Aww,, so sweet. Haha.. And i mcm biasalh, berlagak tough. Ckp dont worry bagai. I tau jaga diri.

But this last part yg bwat i xtahan tu. Dia sruh ambik gmbr nnti and post kt dia. I just berseloroh. I ckplah dia rindu tgk i ke. Tah pernah2 pun mintak. *Laughing face. Mungkin dia pun berseloroh gak. Dia ckp xperlu tnye. Kalo dh mintak tu rindu ler namanya. Lgi berbunga wei hati i ni. Haha..

 

I always be a negative nancy. A party bummer. But this time around, i allow myself to feel happy. I let myself smile a lot like i was in cloud 9 or something. I let myself singing over and over again. I xnk fkir yg mungkin he be nice or he just say something he didnt meant ke apa. I xnk fkir semua tu. Bnde tu semua i fkir esok2 ble i dh tired be a person that was drunk in love. Just for that day je. Let me feel the love. Let me feel the happiness.

And of course i move on. Not literally move on. It just that im not that drunk in love again. But im still am in love. And i realize, mungkin the feeling never really gone. It might fading away but its not gone. It was there. Waiting to be blossom again. And it did its magic. 

I rasa for now. Instead of planning and figure it out. I just let it flow. Im still into joe. I know i do. I just being stubborn and foolish. But i love him. He's the only guy who make me feel happy and whatever feel i feel. And i guess for now that was enough. He doesnt know if i kept any feeling towards him and i dont need to know what he's feeling inside. Yeah, maybe we flirt now and then. Beside, kteorng dh lama kenal n are so comfortable with each other. If its meant it meant to be kan? I redha kalo dia bkn jodoh i. But for now, i nk enjoy while it last. Life is short. Why make it difficult by create a problem that wasnt there. Lets live life like we suppose to. Fall in love, be happy. 

Being open

Regarding to the previous post. People told me that i caught up too much with joe. That i was holding on too much on him and i am still waiting for him. To be honest, i dont know. I really dont know. After i got back from penang, the feeling suddenly gone. I felt nothing. And funnily i got a theory for that. a) Maybe i kept myself busy. b)Maybe i really really had a great time. c)Maybe i was finally clean. But i dont know. I mean we did texting while i was in penang. Just a few texts. Nothing serious. Jgn fkir laen kay. I dont know if it feels great or whatever. It feels really weird actually. Losing this feeling. But weird nice i think. But it was super nice to know that everything was great now between us. We didnt text really often but it everytime we talked, we talked like we used to back in old days. And i really like that. Yg pling ohsem is when he remember those angan2 konon nk tubuh band nama blackpink rockstar. Bajet je lebih. Haha.. Npe pilih nama tu? Thats was the combination of our fav color. And he put those 2 color kt vespa dia wlaupun wrna pink tu sket je ada kat vespa dia. Tpi mcm dia ckp, janji ada. Yeah, janji ada. Thank you.

Tpi maybe the feelings gone sbb all this time i was missing the old him. And when he came back, everything fits perfectly fine. Mungkin sbb tu slowly feeling tu let go. Mungkin. But it was better this way. I couldnt take a risk of losing my best guyfriend. Again. I lose him before due to my stupidness and his ego. I dont want to lose him anymore. At least not now. Maybe i should keep myself busy even more. Probably.

And maybe i kinda tired of waiting. The hope was there. Just the waiting for something miracle, something bigger to happen, i kinda tired of waiting it to happen. I know that they say, good things take times to happen. But i guess my time is up. It reach it limit already. And beside they also said, sometime u gotta let go things and open up to new things. If it right for you, it will come back. So, maybe i should start to open up. Maybe i should give someone else a chance. I mean if it meant to be, it meant to be kan? So, i should take a risk and give a chance. Maybe we could start off with that guy on previous post. Yeah, i sound mad that time. He being too straight forward. Literally too straight forward. Mne x i naik hantu nyer?! But give him a chance. Who knows right? Beside it was really a time for me to open up to people. I met lot of people this last few year. But none of them did i treat well sgt. Bcoz of the holding on and probaly the frustrated. But everythings ok now, what holding me back? I should move on. I should.

May... please be nice.. :))

Literally freaking out!

Last year i think. When things got messed up. And i was frustrated with joe. I try to find a rebound relationship just to forget about joe and this heartache. And i end up meeting someone. We talked and chat. And now that everything was ok with joe. I mean our friendship is ok now. I still contact with that person. Just not that often. Not that we often talk to before this anyway. But lately he kinda being weird. He started to say about my liking and compliment me, asking a so weird question. I really feel like want to block him and stop talking to him. But easier say than done. And ssh actually ada hati yg baik n kesian nie. Because i end up didnt. I teruskan melyn dia until suddenly today, he just ask me to marry him. Not directly but it leads that way somehow. I ask him if he was serious, and he said yeah. He started to question about duit hantaran i. And since he older a year than me, we look good together... I mean what the fuck? Like seriously what the fuck? What the fuck man? You cant just go around and ask me this kind of question. Its too much.It was so straight forward. And beside we barely knew each other and its not like we talked everyday. This was all wrong for me. ll wrong for me.

I still hope that he was just kidding around to mess with me and my head.  Please do not ask me who it was and whatever. It wasnt joe. Not that i hope it was. But yeah, it freak me out a lot. I mean, i wish to get married someday. Or not. But whatever it is, it wasnt now or next 5 years. I know i like to daydream about my wedding day and whatever. But getting ask by that, I was pretty shocked. And even if it was joe who asked it (not that he ask), i still gonna freak out and shocked. Sape je xterkejut kay ble tetbe ada someone tnye soalan pelik2 mcm tu. Unless of course korng dh bercinta bertahun2 bagai nk rak. My case was different kay. We barely knew each other. I dont know anything about him and so does he. We never had that kind of talk about like and dislike. The normal one. Sbb i mmg intend to forget about joe. Not getting all serious and all. Selama ni pun i layan endah x endah pun.

Maigod! What did you get urself in nasuha?? This thing eat you up alive. Serious rasa mcm nk bang kepala kt dinding je kot. I dont mind if you nk berangan getting marry someday or whatever. But this was too much. And i was pretty much gonna put it aside. Jauh dri otak i nie. I got lot of things to think of instead of this anyway. Maybe this is my punishment for having a very bad intention. Why cant i had an ice cold heartless heart. I wouldnt be involve with this if i had one. Really. I mean it.

P/S: Sorry for the F word. I was really mad. Just ignore it coz im not gonna delete it.

Realization

This is weird but im just gonna say it no matter what.

Today i woke up with different perspective. Each day i pray that i will find this day. The day which i will sure which path to take. But  sadly it never came. But i never lose hope. I keep on pray. And i start to feel like this is what it is. Maybe i shouldnt let it go. Maybe i should just let it flow. If it meant for me, everything will come around. For now, i like to get lost in memory land where we were once seem so happy together.  For now, let me wrote words or stories of him. For now, let me be this way.

I told myself once. That if one day, there is no doubt in my heart, i will come around. Because i wish to stay, for long this time. And one day, I did. I text him just asking whether he go to stadium or now because i know how fanatic he is and beside i was here. It just something i did without thinking ( no doubt)  and spontaneously. But we end up talking about lots of things. Most of it was catching up. Its been awhile anyway. But surprisingly, i didnt realize how time fly and how everything seems okay, seems like it just the way it use to be. I feel glad.

Now the part of 'different perspective'. I realize that yeah we went far. Yeah, you give me hope. And yeah i thought we will could be more than just friends. But now i realize that you were my bestfriend and you will always will be. And the reason why i couldnt stay mad at you or i couldnt live without you was because you are just like the girls. My love to you was just like how i love my girls. I would do anything for you. I really do. Just like how you call me at 3 in the morning, just to tell me how bad day u had. And how u were there for me listening to my story and watch me cry after a bad breakup. I know that eventually i will lose you to a lady who stole ur heart, the one you want to spent the rest of your life with. But for now, you are my best guyfriend and let just enjoy the moment together. Like it was suppose to be. Like it used to be.

'We were never anything but really really great friends. I would do anything for joe. He's very much a part of me in some way now. And i love him in a way no one will understand not even me i guess. But i love him so much that it hurts.'

Move on

Ada orng ckp kt aku aritu.

"Kalo kau still sebut2 pasal dia n still tulis pasal dia, n still lyn lagu patah seribu setiap kali kau rindu dia, kau xmove on lagi. Kau fkir kau dh move on tpi actually kau x. Tu satu trick yg kau buat diri kau fkir kau dh move on. Kau pengaruh otak n ati kau supaya dorng pun fkir sama mcm kau. Tpi kau silap sbb nape ble kau dgr lagu patah seribu kau rasa sedih pastu memori2 tu smue dtg menjengah? SBB KAU X MOVE ON LAGI!!!"

Aku sentap.

Betul lh apa dia ckp. Aku mmg xmove on lgi. Aku nk buat diri aku lpe kt dia n smue memori tu. But time take sweet time to erase him from my mind. Sbb kdg2 aku rasa mcm kalo nk lpe sorng tu kte kene bwat diri kita nie confident yg kte mampu lpe kn si dia. Apa omputih ckp. Work it till you make it ke apatah. Tpi mcm tulah. Tpi ble dgr lagu patah seribu, aku tewas. Hampeh betul. Penat2 aku bina tembok setinggi Great Wall of China, last2 roboh gak. Nie mesti gne brng2 jenama cap ayam nie. Aku tau nk move on tu bkn senang. It takes time. Lots of it. N sometime kita move on tanpa kita sedar. We woke up one fine day, suddenly nk dgr lagu happy love song, dance n sing a long. N tetbe radio tu tertukar lagu patah seribu. Kte nyayi tpi dia dh xdtg lgi dlm otak nie mcm dh terkunci rapat2 pastu kunci campak kt pacific ocean smpai jatuh kt marina trench. We finally clean.

Aku tau aku akan lpe kau one day nanti sama mcm aku berjaya move on drpd ashraf. But maybe sekrng not yet.

Haish. Ssh gak jadi pompuan nie kan. Nk move on, nk lpekn pun ssh. Tpi tulh realitinya. N tu yg aku n korng2 yg broken heart mcm aku nie ha kene alami. Hadap je lah. It takes time. Lama2 nnti okay lah. N kau xperasan pun kau dh move on. It was a sudden thing, same goes to fall in love.

Starting everything all over again

Since im starting everything all over, i think i should make a new blog. I mean its gonna be whole new me in it. Hopefully. And to be honest, dh buat dh pun. But then this mind of mine just love to change ble masa je yg dia nak. So i guess im gonna stick with the old one. s

Anyway, this new one is inspired by Taylor's new song, Shake it off. In fact, i was listening to this song while typing. Rasanya kalo happy things, i should listen to this song masa tgh menaip nie. And to be exact, i addicted gle ngan lagu nie. I keep on repeat it smpai bosan tpi blum bosan lgi lh. Soon.

Okay. I tau i dh lama xpost apa2. Almost 2 month i menghilang i guess. Phew. But im back, didnt i?

The reason. After raya yg xbape nk raya tu. I mean i rasa mood raya i smpai raya kedua je. By raya ketiga, i rather chill in my cribs smbil lyn2 cte raya yg byk dh tlepas tu. And beside nenek i not feeling well. Tpi alhamdulilah, she's okay now. Turn out, beside the heart problem, she also under stress/ depress. Well, sape je x depress kalo wujud orng yg selfish tahap nk mampus. Sbb sadly, i pun depress. Last 2 weeks rasanya. I xde selera lngsung nk mkn. Dia bkn xde selera sbb nk diet or buat2 xde selera. Sbb i nie mmg jenis kaki makan. Tgk badan lah kn. Haha.. Kalo i buat2 xde selera, confem pastu i selongkar peti sejuk tu smpai jumpa makanan i nak. Tpi masalahnya, nie xde selera yg xmkn pun xpe. I rather spending time with my bed. Last2 rupa2nya i depress. I even distance myself from people. Kt whatsapp tu byk lh group but most of it, i silent. Tmasuk lh the girls nyer group. Sorry my penawar hati. Ble i nmpk dorng ckp2 psl nk kluar smue tu, i trus silent everything. Sbb i tau i bkn dpt gi pun. I got duty to do. Bkn nk merungut ke apa. I xkisah kene jaga nenek i. Seriously. Tpi ble wujud orng yg selfish nk mampus nie, tu yg buat i naik angin smpai mkn ati byk sgt. Tu yg depress tu. I just xphm, kalo i bley sacrife my holiday smue, npe dia xley buat bnde yg sama. Sdngkn dia tu lgi tua okay dri i. And since that attitude from his, im just like... im gonna shake it off. Lantaklh. Tpi these kind of people mmg dpt ayat mencarut dri i lh senang ckp. And my poker face or maybe my real face too. Gilh jual ikan smpai mampus.

Breath in. Breath out. Everythings going to be alright.

And yeah im starting all over again. Including this heart of mine. After awhile, after all those craziness and heartbreak, and after i gain my sanity, i realize what he say was in fact true. We were different in a lot of way that seem we get along pretty well and had lot of similarity. Sadly. Tpi i redha with everything. Maybe he wasnt my one true love but he is my soulmate. We had great conversation. I mean sape je yg i ley borak pasal samping yg i as a girl didnt wear it. Yep, we are weird like that. And i guess thats why i fall for him or the fact thats the thing i like most about him. But never mind. It is what it is kan. He just not really into me and we just not meant to be. So whatever. Im in no rush of getting married or anything in between. Beside, when the times right, and he is the one for me, i just know it. You just gotta believe those instinct and just follow your heart in everything you do.

So. Starting over. Yeah. Wish me luck. Coz i need that luck. I need it pretty bad.

Till we meet again :)

Falling and back on again

These days i've been keeping all my thought inside, and i wrote everything i felt on my phone or write in a diary. Yeah, since i plan to stop blogging, i bought myself a diary. Bcoz lately i felt like falling just like yuna song. I was so broken. I shut everybody out. I stop do things that i love. And i keep everything inside me. I pretend that everything was okay, that i was fine, when the truth is i am nothing close to those.

Even kwn i pun ckp i dh laen. She told me i need to seek some help. Dia ckp mcm i nie penangih dadah je. But she was right. I dont know who i am anymore. It was like jasad ada, but everything inside was gone. I lose myself. I realize everything that was wrong on me. But i act like i dont care. What would u do when u realize a part of u just die? Would u do it like me? Dont care with everything and let it all be? Or you change everything like it use to, be the happy u?

Well, kwn i betul. So, i change. EVERYTHING.

I xpernah fkir someone bley buat i rasa mcm nie. I mean masa i kene dump ngan ashraf, i was broken, but i xpernah lak mcm nie. I xpernah buat bnde2 tu smue. I was broken, i cry every single night, i pretend mcm i okay tpi i slalu luahkn kt farah lah. But this time around, i nk nanges pun i perlu kn reason tau. I sgt2 ego. I tgk the notebook, titanic or cte ape2 yg melibatkn kematian orng dia syg so that ble i nangis, cte tu yg buat i nangis. I was so weird. And seriously i bley off fon i for a week tpi i bwat few days jelah. And since i nie dikira vip lah gak kn, haha, i limited it to my family and the girls, in case ada pape. And i bley laying on the bed and listen to every sad songs i ever had. REPEATED. Tpi slalunya lagu patah seribulah. And i bley je talk to the girls, tpi i xtau npe i rasa mcm i burden dorng. They got their own problem to solve. So, last2 i simpan smue nyer lah. Dlu ada joe, tpi serkng...

But one day, tetbe tgh dgr lagu, lagu about you now by miranda cosgrove tgh main.. and it got o my thought.. i mean orng kn ckp ble sedey, kita lebih fhm maksud lirik2 tu..

"maybe i'm wrong, you decide,
should have been strong, yet i lied,
nobody gets me like.. you."

it was true, this time around, i silap. maybe sbb i stop follow my intuition. instead i use what i felt right when it was obviously wrong. sbb kalo betul, i patut rasa relieve mcm masa i walk away dri ashraf when he started ignore me. tpi sekrng nie nape i rasa mcm empty, broken and nothing was right. on the second thought, since i rasa i betul wlaupun i mmg rasa i berubah and i dont care, i ingt i bley move on. i just need time. i bley fill diri i balik. but the truth is i cant.

bcoz on second i change my mind back. i felt alive again. i always happy again. like so damn happy. haha.. and somehow half of me, i mean all of me , feels alive again. just i ingt maybe i just have to live with this ignorance. i see myself happy again, why take it away kan..

but things are getting better, sbb i dpt another chance and this time around i will make it right. i text joe last night, turn out fon dia ilang so everything ilang sekali lah kn. see, im such a drama queen. haha.. but it was nice to talk to him again. i bley rasa i xberhenti senyum and i feel my face glow up again. we had a long conversation last night and it was good. from job to life to holiday to football.. sebaik ada nickname tau so he know it was me. i mean sape je pnggil dia pentol kalo bkn i? npe x i nie special. haha.. kidding.. tpi dia yg ckp. i ye kn je. haha.. i was thankful with this chance.. i was happy again.

And this time i xkn mintak lebih2 lgi and i wasnt expect much. i mean dlu kn i gedik nk found someone yg gne saya,awak maybe guna nama ke.. but ble i tgk fizo and mawar gne i,u, i rindu okay.. i xtau ape masalah i.. just i nk mintak.. same taste on music? i mean if he likes the times, the script, paramore, we good. hehe..

and i xtau nape, sepnjg i text ngan dia, i like lost in my own world. i bley xperasan my mom argue ngan nenek i dlm kete, i ada je tau kt dlm kete tu gak tpi i mcm xdgr pape. hebat ke tidak. mmg cloud 9 nie. and he still do this heart beat fast and butterfly thing.. it was good. maybe he was like blair to chuck. i mean chuck stop thinking everything when he near to blair. and we are like blair and chuck or chuck and blair. we both still trying to figure things out. maybe i hold on to things i unsure about. maybe kteorng mmg maen tarik tali. we love to fight and disagree, that was us. i mmg drama queen pun and he.. well, he just like chuck. or maybe i just tgk byk sgt gossip girl. maybe. hehe..

i guess maybe this is how it will be for a while. Who am i kidding, i xley stop rely on joe. u see what happen to me when i stop. but i know eventually i will. just when the right time come. maybe when i found the one or when joe is getting married. but if he was my other half, alhamdulilah. and for now, let me convince myself, let me set my mind that for the time being, we both just need time to figure things out, if it meant to be, it will to be. After all, if two people meant for each other, they will find their way back eventually.

or maybe somethings just worth waiting for.. after all, u never give up on someone you love.. right?

losing someone

People come and people go. It was hard to tell who would really stay nowadays. I always thought people who had been with me long enough, knows me well would definitely stay. But it was wrong.

You see, a few years ago, i met someone who was like so not my type in any other ways. But somehow in those years we become friend. A best friend. And to be honest ive never had a friendship with a guy this long. And neither did him. But we did.

As our age grew, i realize my feeling towards him is growing too. It didnt get stronger as i can control it. But who knows he had the same feeling as i am. So, we end up having a long deeper conversation. We talked about our hopes and dreams, what we want to do in the future. Stuff like that. We not lovers but more than friend.

Not long before this post, he starting to distance himself. At first i didnt really mind when he didnt reply my text and calk. He might be busy. Its eid mubarak anyway that time. But later, i soon realize, he really is ignoring me.

Yeah, u must think, dia buat dekk je, xyahlah nk risau and sedih sgt. Nnti dia contact ah kau balik. But this is joe we are talking about. He never acted this way even if he is bad mood or having some problem. He always make a time for me. What make him change?

Am i hurting his feeling? Did i did something wrong? Was this coming so fast? Im not superwoman joe? I cant read mind. Im not like professor x.

Im giving him space. Im about to give up but everytime i told myself, lantak pilah dia. taulah dia nk mai balik nnty. My heart will find a way to show me, to convince to never give up on him. I hate this feeling. Why cant my heart just let him go.

We not lovers but more than friend. But losing a bestfriend is far more hurt than losing a bf. Bcoz bestfriend always be there whenever weneed them. Bestfriend accept who we are. Bestfriend knows us too well. But now im losing someone that i call friend.

Im crying hard the other. Its worst. And im about to think to shut down my blog and starting a diary like i use to do back then. But thinking how many tree have sacrifice if im using a diary, i change my mind. I love to write. I love to tell a story of mine. I dont really care what people say or think. This is me. And this is my blog. So lantak pilah.

I guess patah seribu all over again and repeat on my playlist. :(

I miss you joe. a lot. and you dont know how much i need you right now. and you dont even know how much you meant to me pentol. but if ever i slipped into ur mind, remember i always be here for you no matter what. and i wait for you just like i promise.

Follow The Heart

Lately i've been ignoring my one only thing. I use to listen to it but now i stop. I dont know why. And i had been messed up since than.

So, i just found out my muet result and it wasnt good. I dpt band 3 je! Gosh. I deserve it. Yelah tgklh aritu i belajar. A night before! I deserve it. And beside susah kay! Essay dia mengarut and listening... ugh! betul ke english word yg aku dgr tu? or it just someone mumbling. Huh! Tapi bersyukur lah jugak sbb xdpt band 1 or 2. Maybe if i got either of it, i akan repeat. Serious! Dila, Joe and Syihan pun dpt band 3 and they planned to repeat. But i? I xtau. Dlm dilemma okay sekrng. I rasa mcm i need someone to really convince me yg i had or had not to repeat.

And luckily, my classmate, farah make me realize something today. She ask me what my heart saying. And i ckplah dia xnk sbb mmg masa i dpt tau semlm pun, i rasa mcm i xnk. Then, she told me, you should follow you heart. Maybe kalo hati you kata x, xlah. Maybe nie yg terbaik. And that moment i realize ive been neglect my heart and instinct sejak masuk kmj nie. Betul. And the weirdest part is, bila syihan nasihat i all that pasal i should repeat, i dont know why. Perkataan xnk tu lagi kuat drpd biasa.

Maybe it is for the best. Maybe.. just pray i make a right choice by listening to my heart. Tapi selama nie pun, the never never lied. Hehe.. Lagipun repeat dia nk dklt final kot. Kalo lepas final xpelah gak. Huh.. Maybe xkot.. eh,entahlah.. What do you say heart?

I'd Lie

I had a weird dream last night. But it was nice and i cant stop thinking about it. Actually dah bape hari gak lah i think about it since that day ber feeling ngan Dila. But last night he pop into my head. Hmm..

Sometime i feel like i was in denial. I lie to my heart and to everyone that i had no feelings towards him. But actually i do. Somehow. Deep down inside me. And i realize it everytime i talk about him, about us. I swear i could feel my cheek burn and how gleeful my face really are. And whenever i had a converstion with him, i could feel butterfly in my stomach. It feels weird and i keep deny it as i dont want it to happen. But sometime, i do hoping we were meant for each other in the future.

People keep saying how nice we were as a couple and how they know we will end up be an item. And i hate to admit it, i was wishing it was true. I dont about you. You had once brought it up but you say it wasnt good coz we both keep missing up. And i agree with you coz somehow i saw it too. But i feel all this stupid argument we had always make us closer. It was like all this fighting make this relationship interesting. Well, i dont know about you.

I go with the flow. If it was meant to be, i will meant to but for now, all i could do is hoping that you be mine in future or i will find my one in the future and erase this doubt confusing feeling that built inside me somehow.

Dilemma xsudah

This time i have to be serious. I have to know what i want in my life. I have to make a decision. The right one. I have to stop changing my mind so constantly. And this time... i couldnt run away like i used to...

Masa sklh menengah dulu, i took science stream sbb orng ckp nnti lepas spm senang nk masuk mana. Yeah, betul tu cme keputusan spm memainkan peranan penting. Obviously. Then, time matriks pun sama gak. Xsuka physic tapi last2 setia ngan physic smpai sekrng sbb apa? sbb orng ckp senang nk ambik course mana2. Sbb kalo xambik fizik mcm more to doktor and kalo xambik bio mcm more to engineering. And since i didnt have a thing to figure, i took three of it dgn harapan one day i make my mind. And guess what, i still didnt..

Mmg nk ambik dentist but well, i have a second thought and beside kat upu nyer borang nnti ada 8 pilihan kay! Kalo smue ambik denstist, confirm aku last2 bukak business sendiri x oun kawin je. So, i need a back up plan.

So, aku pun survey lah.. tgk2 lah kat webpage U mana2 aku berkenan. Tempat dah fkir, course tu je yg undefined lagi smpai sekng. Xckup ngan tu, siap ambik kuiz kerjaya lagi tu beb. Hebat x.. And guess what, i still got dentist in the list... hehe.. back up plan? well, now i have a few in mind. And insyallah, will ask for Allah for his guidelines. Im sure Allah has a plan for me :) In Allah's will

http://www.blogthings.com/idealcareerquiz/results/?result=Investigative

And korng mesti terpikir2 napa sekrng baru nasuh nk fkir. Well, the fact sekrng that sem 2 and i half way there and beside minggu nie minggu kerjaya. I must have something plan in my mind somehow okay. MUST! WAJIB! SHOULD!

Im in dilemma all over again...

It Has Been Decide

Alhamdulilah! Syukur kepada mu Ya Allah. I got upu. Happy mmg ada coz i didnt expect i get it despite my result tapi alhamdulilah. But i decided to go to matriks since well, i got the upu offer but i didnt get the course i want. I mean i pick that choice at first, randomly but now im not that so sure. So, nmpknya ke Tangkak lah kita. Hehe.. By end of this month, i'll be leaving home. Serious rase awal gila. Mcm xready je. Tapi think positive nasuha. It might be hard tapi tok project fearless kita kali nie, insyallah we make it through. Allah always be there with us and Allah will help us through our prayer. Most of all, Allah has plan something better for our future. Insyallah. Gosh, i'll be homesick! Im gonna miss everyone so much. :)Mcm mne ek reaction si die bile aku bgitau bnde nie ek? Die okay kot. After all, its not we got anything between us wlaupun i hope for something. Hehe.. Ada jodoh, adalah nasuha. But i did hope we both still contact each other since i owe him a lyric and he owe me music. Hopefully, he will give his number somehow. :D

This feeling sgt bodoh okay

Seriously i think i am going crazy. Nie kalo daftar diri kat hospital bahagia nie mmg dapat masuk. I rase sgt gila coz i cant stop thinking about him. Sikit2 je tersenyum sorng2, then bila tersedar, rse mcm tah pape lak. Bnde nie smue start semlm bila die tetbe maen gitar depan aku and pndang aku. I felt something but it was stupid. Smue nie sgt bodoh okay. Perasaan nie pun sgt bodoh. Ugh! Dan ckp perkataan bodoh nie byk kali mmg salah aku tahu. Tapi bnde nie smue mmg bodoh.

Mcm mne lah aku bley ske kat mamat nie. I mean mase pule2 jumpe tu die mmg good looking and so my type  tpi mcm nahh.. But now, i really2 like him. Oh my, what am going to do??? I started imaging stuff about him and he keep bugging me in my head.

Entahlah, sejak dah break ngan ashraf kan, every time i got a feeling to someone and i start senyum sorng2 kan, i feel kinda stupid. And perasaan nie sgt bodoh.

Npe lah die gi maen lagu carta hati depan aku. Maybe die xmaksud kan kot. But why did i felt something. And tetbe tah mcm mne i blurted out pasal aku suke tulis lirik and he was like okay, nnti ley lah buat lagu saya. Ye, he was the guy that i didnt use i and you. But saya and awak. Saya rse special tetbe. Buat lagu die! Okay nasuha.. focus. Hmm...

Oh btw, die ade talk about number and rase nyer die nak kasi nombor die kat aku tapi aku nie ley lak buat donno je. Nie masalah aku yg pling besar. When i like someone so bad, bila die ckp something yg penting, aku bley buat donno mcm bnde tu xpenting sedangkan bnde tu lah yg pling pling penting okay! Ugh! Stupid me! Kenyataan okay. Bnde nie dah byk kali terjadi. Ade mase tu aku ade minat kt sorng mamat nie yg aku pnggil abg kedai top up since die mmg jaga kedai top up tu. And ade satu hari tu mase aku nk blah lepas aku dah top up. Die bukan ckp bubye tau, die ckp bnde laen  yg aku mmg dengar tapi dengar sambil lalu je. Maksud die, dengar tapi xsempat masuk ke dalm telinga dan seterusnya ke otak tok diproseskan. Bila aku tnye ape die, die ckp xde pape. Pastu tersenyum2. Smpai sekrng aku xtau ape die ckp. Kalo lah ade time machine ley gi mase tu and tau ape die try ckp. Haish...

We okay for now :)

Alhamdulilah... last night  i try have my guts to text joe again. Really hoping die reply actually. I was scared somehow die xreply. Dah lah chinese new year ari tu my mom ask about him and somehow i did lie a bit. Sorry. I didnt meant it. What am i suppose to say when she ask me about joe? So, i just say jelah yg i didnt text him. Which was quiet true okay. Just part that i text him if i want to. No, i text him when i feel i want to and ble aku balik muar, mestilah aku text die kot. I lie a lot. But thats okay, things okay now between us. Sebenarnya kitaorng miscommunication je. Hehe.. Okay, i hope lepas nie dah xde dah. Happy gle nie! Speechless!

Then ingt abis kat situ je tau. I mean maybe xtau ble akan text lgi. But then pagi tdi die text aku. Xterfkir pun die. Ingt hotlink tdi. Haha.. He was like all touching kejap. He saying about how long we've been friends and i was like the longest girl friend he had. And i was like yeah, him too... Selama nie aku xpernah pun sangka dpt kwn dgn joe this far. 6years beb! True. Friendship aku ngan joe mmg xley kalah friendship aku ngan my girlfriends or my sisters. But hey, he's the longest guy friend i had. He was like my boy bestfriend (BBF). Haha.. My parents pun kenal joe mcm dorng kenal mai,farah,nadia,nad. They didnt mind if i hang out with him. And im so glad we okay now joe. Dont leave me like that no more. I need you. Ashraf xmcm u. Haha.. He cant even pick a fight. At least my sisters pun tau okay. Btw, talk about ashraf. I feel like he's gone somehow. I mean the feeling and him also. I was like die phm2 je ble joe dah muncul dlm hidup aku balik, his job his daone. he may go now. Something like that. Well, papelh..

Happy sgt nie! I hope my friendship with joe will go on still ever and same goes to you farah, mai, nad n nadia. Dah masuk U nnti, jgn lpe contact2 and hangout like we us to. I love you guys so much! BFF till ever! :)

I wont fall for it

For the past few weeks, i finally get him out of my head. In fact, im not thinking about him no more. Maybe i was busy with studies or busy seeing this person. Well, this person doesnt know i  liked him and i am not pretty sure if i really3 like him. But this person is linger in my head somehow and trust me, i smile a lot. haha..

But then today, ashraf text me. Yeah, it was just a simple chat but it keep lots of deep thought in it. And i am trying my best to avoid the i-want-you-back conversation. And suddenly it strikes me.. My heart have two side now. One is choosing ashraf. Well, the other one, choosing the other person.

And of course i would pick the person, right? Ok, the conversation i had with ashraf  was like.. well.. i miss the old him. and was glad the old him come by. Maybe thats the reason why i starting to feel this way??

I was planing to say something to this person on FB just now. But somehow i dont feel like to do it. Its not that im a coward. It just that... i dont feel like do it... but he still there you know, in my head and make me smile when i imaging things about him ;))

As for ashraf, i wont fall for it this time. Not in this moment and not ever.. Well, i can always try..

Befriend or not?

So, it give me a thought whether i should stay friends with ashraf or acting like a total stranger. I mean, it had been a years okay. At first, i really thought i want to stay friends with him but then i saw an article about 'should we stay friends with our ex?' And after read it through, i think, nahh... we should stay just like this. But, then, i started to change my mind again. And i thought i want to stay friends with him. I mean come on. Is not like i didnt befriends with any of my ex before.

Its hard actually to befriends with our first love. Dont know why. Maybe cause somehow we still got a little feeling toward them kot. Macam farah said. Hmm.. Maybe...