She's long gone

I miss the old me. I miss how i can smile to anyone that i met on street, to anyone that i barely know. I was just so happy, so full of life. I was this miss happy go lucky. I miss how friendly i can be. But now.. now im totally opposite. I am smiling but im not sincerely smile. I walk with my head look down so i dont have to see others' faces and feel the need to smile at them. I pretend to be happy when i was so broken inside. I feel like i was dark and cloudy. But i was pretending that i was full of sunshine or whatever. I fake it. I wear my fake happy mask. Until i dont know who i was anymore. Until i lose myself. Until i couldnt take off this mask anymore. As if it was part of me. As if it was parasite that sucked every good things in me. I couldnt take it off.

I miss the old me. Where did she go? 

I wanna be happy again. I really do. But it was like a curse u know. Or maybe u just cant fix whats already broken. I was falling apart. I was. Im tired of being sad and miserable. Life too short for sorrow. I know i never gonna get the old me again. She's long gone. But i do know that im done with this shit. I wanna be happy. So i am allowing myself to be happy. I am allowing myself to feel every emotion that ever exist in the human nature. I am allowing myself to be happy again. And try to take off this mask. And be happy for real this time. Who knows she will come back again. Who knows kn? 

Npe tebe ckp psl bnde alah ni? Xtau lah. Ada kene mengene gak ngan Grey's Anatomy yg i layan like almost everyday. But im not gonna talk about it in this post. Probably next post. Maybe. Oh, npe tetbe ckp psl bnde alah ini? Ntah... sbb tetbe tdi tgh borak ngan chang.. oh yeah.. sbb i xabis2 hntr emoticon pig kt dia. Spae sruh sakat orng. N he was like 'apa jadi dgn su ni. Su x mcm ni dlu. Npe npe'. And i was like, 'kau bkn kenal or tau aku dlu mcm mne pun.' And he said 'mmg xkenal sgt tpi rasanya dia xde lah mcm ni.' I ckplah 'people change. nothing to be surprise with.' And he was like 'why change like this? where the old su.' And im being honest, i told him that 'she's gone or she grown up.' And dia ley lak tetbe gedik gle, balas, 'i want to see her. i really want. please. go and find her.' Amboi amboi.. So i ckp jelah, 'but does she want to see you, thats the question.' Then i convince balik yg 'she's long gone. Dont know where she go. Cant find her anymore.' Tetbe je, dia balas, 'she refuse, its ok. i just see her at long distance.' And i know he wasnt talking about me i think. And beside we just playing english to improve his english. But last thing he said was 'find her, try as u can.'

But thats the thing u know. U cant just find her. She's long gone. Dont u get it. I miss her but there is really nothing i could do. Except trying to be happy once again. Thats the 1st step. Maybe slowly she would come back.