Just another meltdown

I realize that there was a day when i would like to do nothing and just lay on my bed and staring on the ceiling or walls. I dont know whats going on inside my head but i do know that it was full of overthinking and anxiety. The music on the background was just giving some melodramatic on the situation. It didnt usually happen for so long. Probably it lasted for 2 or 3 days. Depends on how i handle it. During these time, i cant pretend that i was happy. I cant even make myself happy. I try but it just seems like i force it and then i will make it worse. I just had to somehow deal with it and just go with the flow.

Just last week, im having it. I know there was something wrong with me when i didnt do the things that i do. I was more to laying on my bed kt rumah sewa i ni, and staring at the ceiling and thinking and kept on wandering. I feel like there are some hollow inside of me that dying to be fill up with. I feel like im giving up somehow. All i ever did was sleep that day. Sleep was like the only cure i had for now. Sleep is the only way i could escape myself from this horrible nightmare. 

I feel the  need to have a good cry but i could not cry if it was for something silly or for some guys who didnt appreciate me. I need a good cry to let everything out, to make me feels better again.vI desperately need to cry but i cant. I tak tau lah sama ada i turn myself to cold hearted or im dead inside that sometime it seems like i was a heartless and emotionless person smpai nak nangis pun susah. Or just an ego maniac that i force myself not to cry so i wont feel weak. Because cry is a sign of weakness somehow. But actually it doesnt. It was also a strength where you feel stronger after you cry coz you let it out after long of hold it up inside of you. 

So how can i make myself cry? 

Self hurting?

Nope.

I watch a few death scene or almost death scene in grey's anatomy. Sebab tu i kene ada all the episode, all the season of grey's inside my hard drive and laptop in case im having another melt down like right now. 

So today i spent like..  i dont know.. 5 or 6 hours of repeatedly death scene and i cant stop crying. I stop until i feel tired and enough. Funnily wlaupun i tgh tgk death scene, i am actually having some flashback of good memories before it turn out bad. So yeah, i start with meredith bomb episode, meredith drowning episode then the gunshot scene, henry death, the plane crush scene, the mark sloan death, derek death and meredith attacked scene. Yep. i watch all those scene and cry and cry and cry.. 

And now im feeling better. For now im feeling better. It just another melt down. Thats all. I need to get out more i think. I need to do something to make me feels better, to make me face less and less of this break down. I will find a way later. I will.