This is what it feels like

I guess this is what drug addict or smoker feels like. You know it was bad for you and you know you gotta stay the hell away from it for good but somehow there was the time when your heart desire for it, craving for it. And it makes you feel crazy for wanting it and battling it. Because you know it was bad for you but somehow you cant resist it. The adrenaline it give to you as it excites you or bring you to somewhere better than the reality itself. And you feel shiver because you know you cant have it. Because if you have it, it will ruin you all over again.

And that is exactly the picture that im having right now. The urge to text him and saying that im sorry and i wanna take it back whatever i said and i want us to be back as we were suppose to. But i know that if i did this. I will be ruin and completely lose myself. Because this is exactly what happen before this. I have this anger inside me and i burst it out to him and he act as he dont care and it is killing me inside of this silent treatment. So i smash all those bricks that i built for my wall. And i ran back to him and take back whatever i said and we were okay again. But it wasnt long until he did it again, until he hurt me and i was ruin all over again.

This is what it feels like to resist the feeling of going back to what ruin you and taste it for one last time. But there will be no next time. Because once you going back, you would never want to leave. You would want to stay there. Because to you it was your safe heaven, to you this is everything you ever want, to you, you just cant risk it and lose it again. You would want to stay even though you know that you will getting hurt again. 

I kept on reminded myself that i need to go on. I need to leave, to go away. It wasnt his fault and it wasnt mine. It just not meant to be. And fixing it just going to make it worse. Because you will lose yourself and getting hurt and somehow you will get use of the pain that slowly make you feel numb. I keep reminded myself that i need to leave because i have love to much and hate too much and i shouldnt hate him. I should love him and keep on loving him. They said if you love something, you need to let go. And it is true. Because one day you looking back and you would remember all those happy loving memory of you and him and reason why you love him. Thats why you need to leave while you still love him and hold on to those happy memories that once you both shared. 

This is what it feels like but it was nothing like drugs or cigarettes because i dont think so there are happy loving moment with those items because those are are not person obviously. But thats how it feels like.  Thats exactly what i feels like. I feel like the need to check myself in a rehab or go to support group or something. But i guess for now i just have to deal with it, let it flow, let time heals and keep on reading that motivation book about moving on that i once read when i broke up with ashraf. But this is a friend breakup which was much more worse than a breakup itself. But i get through this. I will get through this.