Maybe it ends for good

I had a pep talk with my mom the other day. From ashraf to a few guys yg i kenal to joe. I could tell you details for each of it but it gonna be long, so just bear with me okay. 

I tak tau mcm mne ley terckp psl ashraf actually but i do know that i mention about talking with my ex macam biasa je sbb masing masing dh move on kan. And mommy was like is he your first love and of course i cakap ye. He was somehow. I mean i imagine my life with him. I thought he was the one for me, he was in fact my prince charming in shining amour. I even ready to settle down with him. Well, once upon a time lah. Hahahaha.. Mommy tanya npe kteorng break. Well, there is no more chemistry between us. Yeah, we love each other but it wasnt the same anymore. We both want different things, we both are different people. Break pun cara baik. Mutual. Memang lah sedih tapi it was actually the best decision i ever made. I tak pernah rasa lapang giler lepas break dgn dia. I mean it is not that it wasnt good. It was good. Cuma tu lah takde jodoh and i redha. Im pretty fine with it. Beside it was all past tense now. We both move on with our own lives now.

Then, mommy tanya psl abg saga yg slalu hntr i balik kolej lepas kelas mandarin or kekdg gi makan and borak borak. But we always talk in facebook so lepas i delete facebook, of course ler ter delete dia sekali.  I ada lah crush sket kt dia tpi sket sgt and kejap sgt sbb time tu kan tgh crush giler giler kt joe. And i guess he knows that i anggap kawan je sbb i layan pun biasa je. Takde apa pun. Kalo tetbe somewhere in the future terjumpa, mungkin ada jodoh kot? Hahahahaha...

I tak ingt yg i ada cite kt mommy psl this rebound guy yg i kenal pastu dia ajak kahwin. But yeah mommy asked me about him. Of course ler i tak ambik tau psl dia dh. Lost contact terus. Yelah, kteorng baru je kenal a few months, couple pun tidak, flirt tu perkara biasa. Then tetbe dia tanya bila boleh dia jumpa parents i. Eh, nk buat apa? Rupanya nk mintak permission nk kahwin. Well, i terkedu and i really know yg i tak ready and i memamg taknak. I baru 21 tahun kot that time. Im still young and wild and free. Im just not ready to settle down. So, i block dia and terus cabut lari. Senang ckp i lari lah macam amelia sherpard masa nk kahwin dgn owen hunt cuma dia dtg balik. I lari terus tak patah balik, tak toleh belakang pun. Mommy was like serious lah, tak patut tau, you should just stay and beside he really was ready. Yelah dia ready tapi i tak. And kalo i stay tak ke bermaksud yg i bagi dia harapan palsu. I taknak terima orng tu sbb i kesian. Ni soal kahwin. Kalo couple tu takpelah. Boleh mintak break je bebila, cheating pun tak rasa bersalah sgt. Ni kahwin kot. Besar responsibility dia. So i pun angkat barang and blah. It was the right thing to do. If i could turn back the time, i do exactly the same all over again. Seriously. 

Then, there was joe... Mommy tanya if dia ada call i tak. And i said no because we dont talk anymore. We had fight and im tired of being the one yg mengalah. Im tired. He just changed. And what he did last year, i still cant let go. Mommy tak side aku and tak side joe gak. But she did give me a good advice. Kinda good. I kan ego. Hahahaha... 

She told me that it is normal for a guy to change because they are trying to be mature. Bila dgr ni kan tetbe rasa mcm ok maybe it was my fault for being an ass sbb tak fhm dia. But then again, it is still doesnt explain why he did all those thing tahun lepas. And the fact that he didnt do anything. He didnt even stop me to leave. He just let me go. Maybe that whats he trying to do all this time. Cuma i je tak reti reti pegi. Tak faham faham. I pun ada advice for my own dear self. A very good advice i assure you.

"People change and they will constantly change. So just suck it up, accept it, move on and let go if somehow they are not fit in our lives."

 It is true though. People will change through out their lives. It was the way they improve themselves or finding themselves or just go on with their lives. We had no power to control the change and we cant control how we change. Kalo rasa macam tak boleh keep up or terima then just walk away. It was hard. Especially kalo kau dh kenal 10 tahun, dh biasa dgn orng tu, dh faham dh psl orng tu. After all, bila dua hidup dah sebati, tak semudah tu untuk dileraikan. But live has to go on kan...

 

It wasnt that easy actually. It was freaking hard. Everyday i battle myself whether i should text him or not. Even lepas mommy bagi advice tu pun i terfkir nk text dia, nk lpe semua ni. Tapi hati tak mahu. For the first time, the heart doesnt want what it wants anymore. And bila i hesitate, i know that i shouldnt go on with this text. Mungkin satu hari nanti. Mungkin. Beside dia pun takde cari i kan. I mean i tau i keep on block him, unblock him. But he can always call me or text me. He could if he care. And the way he did right now just shown the other way around.

This has always been one sided friendship. I give, he takes and thats how it work.  For the past few years, everytime i wanna just talk to him, he is too busy for it. He never been there when i need him anymore. And i try to be okay with it, i try to act tough and somehow it consume me. The reason nape i hold on selama ni pun sebab i fkir kita kenal dh lama, kawan dh lama. He kept on saying the same thing every time i point out rasa hati i. But what does it even mean? He kept saying it until i rasa macam perkataan tu jadi meaningless dh sekrng. Yeah, kita kenal dh lama but why does it feel like it was only me yg cuba pertahankan sedangkan you tinggalkn i macam tu je. Blah macam tu je. Bila you rasa you perlukan i, you datang. Tapi bila i perlu kan you, all i had was nothing, all i get was silence from you. I wish you can just admit it that you move on from us as friend which is fine for me by the way but just admit it. 

To be really honest, i still wait for him though. I still am somehow. But it has been 2 weeks and his name never shown up on my phone. Maybe it is time to give up now. If there is no reason to stay, maybe it is a good reason to leave now. Beside sampai bila nk tunggu kann??? Ada gak lah fkir nk random msg dia tpi i nk ckp apa je, I rasa mcm i dh bagi point i now giliran dia lah pulak kan. But im tired waiting for him. I bukan mcm edward snggup tunggu bella for thousand years. Ajal pun bebila je boleh datang. So maybe instead of waiting for him, i should just focus on myself, of loving myself. 

Well, i wish that our story will be the greatest ever even though it did not have a happy ending. I always know we gonna go on our own way. It just never occur to me that it happen now and like this. I thought it will be when you marry the girl of your dream and i marry mine or not but it will be like dlm video clip Happy by Leona Lewis. Either way it gonna end anyway. We had our good and bad times and i cherish every moment i had with you. It sadden me that this is how it ends but somehow this is how it ends. Maybe somewhere in the future we meet again and we could laugh how foolish we both are or maybe we never cross path anymore. But i wish you the best in everything you do and pray that Allah always protect you and lead you. You were my best friend joe. You are. But im tired of waiting and fixing and making excuses and fight for it. Im really tired. At some point, we just have to accept it, let go and move on. Maybe this is the best for both of us. Maybe it ends for good.