Ego for a reason

Everyone has their own ego that they try to hide or proud of it but mine... i just tried to control it so that it wont be more and neither would it be less.. 

I was never an ego person actually. Maybe i was but mine was not this strong. But lately i have been make it grow stronger. You see, for me ego is how i hide my true feeling. Whether it is hope or sad and it could be happy also. Ego was kinda like my shield, my superpower that i adore, that i rely on when things happen. But in here, in this post, i let my guard down, i lay my ego down, i let you see how vulnerable and bruise i was. 

Last Monday, i went to Muar with my mom. And mommy was like kept on asking about joe, was i told him i was here and do we wanna meet, and whatever. At first i was thinking not to because we know how it end up anyway. And i was right actually. I was so stupid for thinking that it might be different this time around. I did though text him saying i was there. I didnt asked if he wanted to meet, hoping that he's the one who would popped out the question instead me. He didnt even respond to any of my text. And honestly it kinda let me down a bit but i let my ego showed that i was fine with this. I lied to my mom that i didnt even text him at all but he did see my insta story but didnt even say anything at all which is true. 

And then yesterday i was chilling out with my mom. And she ask me about joe and i. And i told her the truth. That we were never declare anything, we didnt put a label on this relationship but we stick to be friends and go with the flow. I hated that actually. The 'go with the flow thing' even though i was the one who suggest it. Remind me to change it some where next year. Maybe to 'this ride has been nice but i dont see it go nowhere so here's to our goodbye'. There it goes, the ego again. 

Anyway, these talk, it make me realize that i shouldnt give a fuck about joe.. Honestly, all he ever did is disappoint me. I know he got some issue but i got mine also. Everybody has their own demon to fight with. And i am fucking tired. I wanna give up. I wanna give up with this stupid hope, this stupid fantasy and dream. Go to hell with all of this. I just wish he would also show some effort you know. There are million things he said that could make me murder him at that moment. But i didnt. Instead i forgive and forget. Because thats the thing we did to people we love right?? But everyone has a limit. And mine has reaching many many times but there also the catalyst to slow it down, to freeze it and to lower it. But really though, i should move on. 

I guess that is how the ego start to build up. Starting with cover up and to calm the heartache inside while the ego starting to grew. Each time it be hurt, ego was there to make it feel better. And i know for a fact that it has grew stronger and stronger because i could feel it slowly killing the hope and put the idea of nothing last forever, and at the end all you ever have is yourself. But love... love conquer all.. at the end love always win.. that is what that fairytales bullshit has been putting in our brain.. but the reality is, it just isnt.. this was not that prince and princess story.. this story does not have happy ending.. but maybe it did.. because she lost herself.. but once she let it go, she resurface and found herself... something like that phrase...