Im losing it here

My motivation has bee drain this week. It getting worse each day. And i do am trying to survive. Each day i try to be positive that i can fucking do this. That i am strong enough to do this job. But then at the end of the day it all consume me and leads me to failure. The negative thought come linger inside of me and i try to wash it away. Acted like i was fine and happy with all of these when the truth is i am not fucking fine at all. 

Last monday we had our kick off. Makan makan, mingle around, telling about each other a little bit and sort out a plan for this year. And for once i know that i can do this. And later on Tuesday, had my training on how to use the apps and how to say it to client and convince them to buy our products. And that time also i am fucking sure i can do this. It is in my blood. But come yesterday, those thing have been suck out from me. And not to forget today. I spent my days in opening the jobstreet and applying any job. Not to mention i did open the selected company that provide me the desire job that i want and i apply it. See how desperate i am?

I also started to question about my life and decision that i make. I thought this year will be great but then it isnt. I know for the fact that im starting to sink in into those dark deep hole i used to love. But im trying to survive here. I do. I do not want to feel whatever dark feeling i had last year. I want to be better, to be good. I want this year to be better. But obviously January dislike me that much.

 

 

You know what i want right now. I want to break free. Like literally. I want to stop doing everything, anything and just take myself off, take a deep breath and reflect. That is what i wanna do. Did you know that my mom wants me to continue study in phd before umur i 30. Clearly there is like no marriage for me which is fine by me because well i dont think i end up with joe anyway. So whats the point anyway. Im better off being alone. But honestly i kinda lost here. I really dont know what im gonna do with my life. I dont even know my purpose of living here. Should have ended when i had a chance. But then part of me entahlah.. have common sense. Killing yourself will ultimately shut you off from ever going to heaven. So im trying to survive in this cruel cruel world. Maybe good things do take time. All i had to do is be positive and just be fucking patient with it.