I have been live with lies these past two month. Well technically we could say this month particularly. Because i do have a bit of hope and faith last month. And a little white lies was not counted okayy..
The thing is these past few weeks i have been trying to believe and faking that i could do this, that i will survive this and stay a bit longer. But you see, i didnt feel this month im gonna get through with it. I am not happy obviously. I do am trying to survive and preventing myself swallowing those pills again. Even though i break down, i wont rely on taking those pills just to get some sleep and escape this cruel cruel world/reality.
As u can see these past few post i wrote about trying to make it, that i can fucking do this, survive what this is, faking until i make it. And i though seeing those number on my bank account would somehow make me enthusiasm and lift my spirit somehow to do the very best this month and the month coming. But there is not even a number to make me feel okay again. Obviously i wont get any paycheck last month and for sure this month also. 🙍
I ingt for the very least lah kan i could get something walaupun tak banyak masa dia mula offer i dulu but at least something. I dont mind as long i dapat something but no. I tak dapat pape. Even the commission that i suppose to get pun tak dapat. I dah tanya but then dia ckp i should receive it already and that he would check again. Obviously takde pape update pastu i dh malas nk tnye. Tak hadap sgt that much. Yg buat i bengang is bila i tnye psl amount tu commission je kan ke dh cmpur gaji tapi takkan sket mcm tu kn. Sorry confuse and lupa psl sistem gaji ni. And dia reply amount tu commission je. And asked me to come for training sbb i tak complete lagi (okay fine) pastu nk jumpa sbb nk bincang psl target i to get my 'monthly salary scheme'. Pastu dok ckp psl part time sbb i mention yg i dpt offer lain so dia suggest i go for part time. But yeah training and training because more training need to be done to be good in what we do. I know that but this is never my passion or whatever. I fucking hate it. But cant say that right?
Oh he mention also about if part time only commission based and full time salary scheme. Okay point i disini, on January i mmg kira full time so i should get the salary scheme. Maybe February and the month so on (if i nak continue lah), baru based on commission as i go for part time. Then i tanya lah bape ANP i kene achieve to get bape salary. Example: if let say i dapat ANP around 5K, should i get salary around 2K something at the very least. Because dorng ada tanya masa buat kick off masa tu bape salary i nak bulan jan and i jwb 3k so dia ckp oh tu yg kene capai.. bape tah sis lupa. Sbb tu i nk double confirm balik. So i know why i get what i get. And the fact that i try to make myself stay a bit longer after i get the reward. Tapi jawab sekrng mmg taklah kannn.. After i ckp semua tu, dia hanya balas yg once training i dh complete and ready baru dia bagi contract to sign. What the fuck???
Seriously, what the fuck? You didnt mention this before this. I know that the only document i sign is my agent contract. Tapi kau tanya aku bape aku nk bulan january tu doh! Baik takyah tanya. Baik sruh aku attend training smpai setel bulan january tu. Pastu polish aku sesiap supaya ready so by this month or next month aku dh ley pulun cari sales dah. I buat full time tau bukan part time yg i nk kene cari masa sesuai ke apa. Pundek doh. Kalo dia mention sesiap kan senang. Ni takde pun so of course lah i ingt yg i akan dapat salary mcm biasa tiap2 bulan. I pun dgn sarcastic nyer ckp lah aritu tanya bape nk bulan January tu so ingt mmg akan dapat salary mcm biasa tiap2 bulan lah. Rupanya kene training complete and ready baru sign another contract and dapat salary scheme. So for now only commission based. Okay. Thanks..
Next dia balas adalah tanya this month i dah ada potential cases & client in line. I mmg tak balas lah. Malas dh. Sakit hati tau. Sbb i mmg ye ye ingt gaji i akan masuk bulan january tu. Wlaupun amount tak seberapa and maybe tak se gah aia tapi okaylah. At least ada something untuk i survive bulan feb ni. Alih2 jadi mcm ni. Ni serupa je mcm i jobless. Cuma i kene tipu yg i gi kerje padahal i gi tempat lain. So basically duit i kene keluar gak. And now i feel like broke af.
Okay. Maybe ni salah i sbb tak faham how agent works. But i think they should at least give me heads up telling me that for now only commission based. After complete training baru bincang psl salary. And since this happened, I know i should come clean about this. I should stop the lie and start telling the truth. I need to explain to my parents and also them. Sekrng ni i just ckp yg i am not happy. That somehow the truth also. Sebelum i start on january tu, i actually start find another job, something better masa bulan 12 tahun lepas. But no such luck. Then masa first day i gi sana, i dh start ada uneasy feeling and i feel like i mcm tak ley buat je. I rasa loser giler and such a failure. Tapi i gah kn jugak, telling myself that i can. Yeah, it work on petang ke malam, masuk esok pagi, i start having doubt and lose my confidence again. The cycle repeated. I gi ofis awalnya but i got nothing to do. Basically i pretend mcm tgh baca brochure dia kt webpage but actually i was busy job hunting again. Pastu i makan sensorng lak tu. I lie again telling i makan dgn kawan. Kawan apa. I ler kawan tu. Then masa kick off tu rupanya lagi kuat rasa uneasy feeling tu.
Everyone is friendly. There is no deny there. I okay. Pastu dorng tunjuk psl reward tahun ni dapat gi mana. So this year whoever achieve more 300K to more, akan dapat gi Taipei, Hong Kong, Santorini and Iceland. I paling kurng pun entitle for Taipei and Hong Kong. Dua2 tu i taknak gi. Wlaupun dia ckp tempat cantik blah blah blah and plus it is free. Tapi i tak tau nape i tak rasa nk pergi pun, tak semangat pun lepas tau. I fake je mcm excited giler. But deep down not at all. Maybe sbb i racist kot. Hahahaha. Then another two place mmg nmpk menarik tapi once again i dont feel like i want to go i guess. Maybe because one of my dream is to go around the world with the people that i love and of course my person. I and fiqah dh plan dh nk gi mana. Dh letak dalam bucket list dah. Sbb tu kot i rasa mcm hurmm.. nahh.. its okay... i rasa if i kumpul duit pun i ley gi rasa cuma it takes time but who know it is worthy and fun and happy.
So yeah the lie has to stop and i must get new job FAST.
The thing is these past few weeks i have been trying to believe and faking that i could do this, that i will survive this and stay a bit longer. But you see, i didnt feel this month im gonna get through with it. I am not happy obviously. I do am trying to survive and preventing myself swallowing those pills again. Even though i break down, i wont rely on taking those pills just to get some sleep and escape this cruel cruel world/reality.
As u can see these past few post i wrote about trying to make it, that i can fucking do this, survive what this is, faking until i make it. And i though seeing those number on my bank account would somehow make me enthusiasm and lift my spirit somehow to do the very best this month and the month coming. But there is not even a number to make me feel okay again. Obviously i wont get any paycheck last month and for sure this month also. 🙍
I ingt for the very least lah kan i could get something walaupun tak banyak masa dia mula offer i dulu but at least something. I dont mind as long i dapat something but no. I tak dapat pape. Even the commission that i suppose to get pun tak dapat. I dah tanya but then dia ckp i should receive it already and that he would check again. Obviously takde pape update pastu i dh malas nk tnye. Tak hadap sgt that much. Yg buat i bengang is bila i tnye psl amount tu commission je kan ke dh cmpur gaji tapi takkan sket mcm tu kn. Sorry confuse and lupa psl sistem gaji ni. And dia reply amount tu commission je. And asked me to come for training sbb i tak complete lagi (okay fine) pastu nk jumpa sbb nk bincang psl target i to get my 'monthly salary scheme'. Pastu dok ckp psl part time sbb i mention yg i dpt offer lain so dia suggest i go for part time. But yeah training and training because more training need to be done to be good in what we do. I know that but this is never my passion or whatever. I fucking hate it. But cant say that right?
Oh he mention also about if part time only commission based and full time salary scheme. Okay point i disini, on January i mmg kira full time so i should get the salary scheme. Maybe February and the month so on (if i nak continue lah), baru based on commission as i go for part time. Then i tanya lah bape ANP i kene achieve to get bape salary. Example: if let say i dapat ANP around 5K, should i get salary around 2K something at the very least. Because dorng ada tanya masa buat kick off masa tu bape salary i nak bulan jan and i jwb 3k so dia ckp oh tu yg kene capai.. bape tah sis lupa. Sbb tu i nk double confirm balik. So i know why i get what i get. And the fact that i try to make myself stay a bit longer after i get the reward. Tapi jawab sekrng mmg taklah kannn.. After i ckp semua tu, dia hanya balas yg once training i dh complete and ready baru dia bagi contract to sign. What the fuck???
Seriously, what the fuck? You didnt mention this before this. I know that the only document i sign is my agent contract. Tapi kau tanya aku bape aku nk bulan january tu doh! Baik takyah tanya. Baik sruh aku attend training smpai setel bulan january tu. Pastu polish aku sesiap supaya ready so by this month or next month aku dh ley pulun cari sales dah. I buat full time tau bukan part time yg i nk kene cari masa sesuai ke apa. Pundek doh. Kalo dia mention sesiap kan senang. Ni takde pun so of course lah i ingt yg i akan dapat salary mcm biasa tiap2 bulan. I pun dgn sarcastic nyer ckp lah aritu tanya bape nk bulan January tu so ingt mmg akan dapat salary mcm biasa tiap2 bulan lah. Rupanya kene training complete and ready baru sign another contract and dapat salary scheme. So for now only commission based. Okay. Thanks..
Next dia balas adalah tanya this month i dah ada potential cases & client in line. I mmg tak balas lah. Malas dh. Sakit hati tau. Sbb i mmg ye ye ingt gaji i akan masuk bulan january tu. Wlaupun amount tak seberapa and maybe tak se gah aia tapi okaylah. At least ada something untuk i survive bulan feb ni. Alih2 jadi mcm ni. Ni serupa je mcm i jobless. Cuma i kene tipu yg i gi kerje padahal i gi tempat lain. So basically duit i kene keluar gak. And now i feel like broke af.
Okay. Maybe ni salah i sbb tak faham how agent works. But i think they should at least give me heads up telling me that for now only commission based. After complete training baru bincang psl salary. And since this happened, I know i should come clean about this. I should stop the lie and start telling the truth. I need to explain to my parents and also them. Sekrng ni i just ckp yg i am not happy. That somehow the truth also. Sebelum i start on january tu, i actually start find another job, something better masa bulan 12 tahun lepas. But no such luck. Then masa first day i gi sana, i dh start ada uneasy feeling and i feel like i mcm tak ley buat je. I rasa loser giler and such a failure. Tapi i gah kn jugak, telling myself that i can. Yeah, it work on petang ke malam, masuk esok pagi, i start having doubt and lose my confidence again. The cycle repeated. I gi ofis awalnya but i got nothing to do. Basically i pretend mcm tgh baca brochure dia kt webpage but actually i was busy job hunting again. Pastu i makan sensorng lak tu. I lie again telling i makan dgn kawan. Kawan apa. I ler kawan tu. Then masa kick off tu rupanya lagi kuat rasa uneasy feeling tu.
Everyone is friendly. There is no deny there. I okay. Pastu dorng tunjuk psl reward tahun ni dapat gi mana. So this year whoever achieve more 300K to more, akan dapat gi Taipei, Hong Kong, Santorini and Iceland. I paling kurng pun entitle for Taipei and Hong Kong. Dua2 tu i taknak gi. Wlaupun dia ckp tempat cantik blah blah blah and plus it is free. Tapi i tak tau nape i tak rasa nk pergi pun, tak semangat pun lepas tau. I fake je mcm excited giler. But deep down not at all. Maybe sbb i racist kot. Hahahaha. Then another two place mmg nmpk menarik tapi once again i dont feel like i want to go i guess. Maybe because one of my dream is to go around the world with the people that i love and of course my person. I and fiqah dh plan dh nk gi mana. Dh letak dalam bucket list dah. Sbb tu kot i rasa mcm hurmm.. nahh.. its okay... i rasa if i kumpul duit pun i ley gi rasa cuma it takes time but who know it is worthy and fun and happy.
So yeah the lie has to stop and i must get new job FAST.
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