Behind this mask

My emotion has been a roller coaster ride these day. I was fine, happy, positive and optimistic. I was talking too much and having this kind of energy that i could not explain. It was like i was invincible or something. But i felt super duper awesome like nothing could stop me. 

And then, here i was laying on my bed, thinking if i could survive in this world. I felt like i let everybody down. My mom, my dad, my bro, my person, my girls, my cats and even joe even though he is no longer in the picture. I felt like i was carry some burden on my shoulder and the weight, it slow me down somehow. I try to imagine the happy me, the one with evil laugh, the one that makes everyone around her happy and smile and laugh. But somehow that vision was a non vivid one. It was blurry and unclear. Like sometime i felt like i could picture her but it was not me. Like im picturing someone else in my body. I also felt like i lost in touch with lots and lots of things. 

I always thought that the reason of why i easily lost interest on something is because i am trying to try new things, discover myself. But the truth is that actually i was in love with the things that i do but i was losing interest in it. I remember that not long ago i was so in love in writing poems or lyrics. I even have a specific book to write all my thoughts in it. Change it into some songs or poems or anything that suited. But then i kinda stop it without apparent reason. Maybe because im losing my muse that it feels like i lost some touch. 

All this time, i thought that i was normal and the things i did was normal. Even though sometime i felt that i do am abnormal. I did not realize that my behavior is due to my mental illness. Yes. I suffer from bipolar disorder. I have depression and anxiety. It was hard for me to said it. But it is the whole truth. It's explain why sometime i do have a meltdown and all this negative energy. I think i did wrote it quite a few times. I do not know what happen and what trigger it but sometime i do having it. Sometime i thought i was because of my period but no, i am just like that sometime. 

I know i should seek some help. And sometime i do feel like wanted to waste my money on therapy. But im not coming from a rich family so i need to be independent in finding a cure that suitable for me. So over a few year, i experiment on what is good for me and what is not. I push myself to be the very best that i could. I never push myself to the limit because i know when we reach the limit, i would break. Whenever i felt like i am having a break down,  i let myself sleep a lot because i found that sleep helps me a lot to shutting down my brain. Some of the days, i had a hard time to sleep. So what i did is just let me calm by hearing music. I let myself having some space and alone time.I know that some people said that it was not good to leave this kind of people alone but for me, i know that i would get myself up again. I just need to catch a breath and took my time.

Due to this illness, i felt like i am really am better off being alone because i do not think no one would even understand this. No one would know how to handle me when i am in this low. Most of them gave up/ Most of them just leave me. So, at the end, i need to be my own hero. I need to save myself. Of course i had my family and friends around me that love me, that accept me for who i am. But sometime one of those day, i felt alone and all i ever had was me. I need to depend on myself in picking the pieces, in picking myself up. For now, i felt like i was better off on my own. No one would get me. No one would stay. So i save myself from any heart break.

Honestly, i never told anyone about this. When joe mention about his problem that he would explain it to me later which i kinda hope he would not. Because the thing is i know i would get involve. The minute he told me the problem, i would google it and try to understand and even search on how to handle this kind of people with this kinda of problem. I would definitely get myself involve. I had enough on my plate now. I do not need him as my side dish. But sometime i do feel like i need to open up this to people. I still am thinking that i should come clean with joe if he still want us to work things out. But i do not know if he is strong enough to handle this. And i do not know if i was capable in handling this disappointment if he decide to go. I really really dont know what to do.

So, yeah, instead of blurring this thing out to joe. I decided to tell everything in here. Let everyone know how screw up i really was. But i hope that one day i had a courage to tell him everything. And even so i hope i met someone that would understand me and accept me who i am. Thats all i ever asked for. That is all.