you no longer my sunshine

Changes was something that was hard for me to accept. I am no good in changes. But somehow changes happen very fast around me. In a second we were fine. Then in a minute we are not. And now you pack you things and gone and i was left here with these memories. There are so many things changes and it is not just my friendship with joe, but with other people too. But that was another story that a little bit personal since it is not my part to discuss it here.

Things change so fast that i cant really remember the last time we had a good conversation, a good laugh. I cant even remember the silly argument  we had. Or the last time you call me with these special name or just with my name. I cant remember when was the last time that you wish me birthday and how you wish me goodluck in anything that i do. I cant remember any of it. I try but i couldnt. All i had was why i was so mad at you. Like i could remember the good things but that was like long before you were gone. Or was it like nothing good ever happen after you came back? I do not know. I cant put the pieces quite right.

As i was trying to remember and put those pieces together, i realize something. I dont know if it was just my overthinking or it just a feeling. But this was one of the theory. Nasuha's theory. Lols. What if that all these time he was doing the same? What if he was seeking a closure too? What if all those text yg of course i yg jadi noktah nyer was actually the way he let me go? I mean, he didnt reply anything after that and just gone. The reason nape we still talking is because of me. Because i didnt stop texting him. Because i didnt get it. Because im a blind person who have almost perfectly two eyeballs. He was ready to go but im the one who hold him back. What if it was all me? What if it was all my fault all these time. What if? Bila fikir balik, it could be kan?

Well no worries joe. I get it now. And im letting you go now.

Maybe once upon a time we were in love with each other. Once upon a time we were good to be with each other. I mean come on the flirty, the secret names, the routine that we did. But i guess our times is up. We miss our chance. Now everything just seems pointless and not meant to be. Once upon a time we shared our hopes and dream and darkest past. But i guess now we both want different things. We both are a different person now. We both change. 

There was the time that i miss everything. I miss him. I miss us. But sometime i rasa mcm bila i ckp i rindu dia mcm i tipu diri i sendiri. Because honestly i miss the old him. The joe that i knew before he disappear. But i do really miss us. Miss the conversation we had, the argument, everything. From the never ending cite pasal vespa to tubuhkn band together to our silly games. I do remember those late night conversation and that april fool he prank me. I still hold on to our hopes and dreams somehow. Actually i still believe that i could still fight it. I still have faith that i can make it like it used to be. But what for? We all know that it gonna ruin again. Because some things cant be fixed, some relationship cannot be mended. You just have to live with it. You just have to accept it and move on. All you had now was the memories that you carry with you as it become part of you now.

He is a great guy. He was once rock my world. He was once my person. But we just not meant to be together. And even though it break my heart because i just didnt lose the love of my life, but also my best friend. But it just not meant to be. He been telling me all these time. He been showing me all these sign. He was sure something wonderful died between us. We had our chance but we miss it. Nothing last forever. I thought i had time. I know that i will lose him somewhere in the future and i try to prepare myself for it. But somehow when it did happen, all those preparation is pointless. When it do happen, you just become numb and try to put the pieces together. You try to understand it and you start to blame yourself and keep on wondering the 'what if' game. And thats what happen to me. Because he was long gone and i just started to accept it and let him go.

Now i realize that all these constant of leaving me hanging was actually a sign that he's gonna leave me. He has been preparing myself for his departure. He make sure that i prepared if he is no longer here for me. He was the one who make sure i learn to be independent and not depend so much on him anymore after all these year of being together. I never regret meeting him. Because even with this not so good memories, there are so many good times when we were together. And thats i hold on to, thats what i miss the most somehow.

But i guess it is time to go. You are no longer my sunshine. And now im giving you up and im forgive it all. Thank you for everything all these years. But it was all over now.