The throwback and the comeback

I took some time off to cool down. I took myself off with all these social things for awhile. Sebab tu i tak post pape last month. Sebab tu that break down post of mine was the last for july. The thing is, i thought i be okay. I thought i was already okay. I thought i was happy and move on and okay. But somehow i am not. That missing part was the worst. I hope the next time i feel that kind of miss wouldnt be that strong or worse. 

Now, I still try to keep up and live my life without he's in it. Oh i lupa nak ckp. I rasa lah mcm i lupa. Before before this kan i already block him and delete his number. Slowly deleting the conversation dari zaman matriks lagi. Lama giler kot. Tu tak campur lagi mesej2 dari zaman sklah lagi. Yelah time tu kan tak wujud lagi whatsapp ni. But that was all in my old phones. Reason i simpan fon lama2 i tu was because of this sweet innocent messages that i like to go once in awhile somehow. I know, cheesy kan. Hahaha.. But it was all the whole truth. Wlaupun tak ler slalu on fon tu and baca balik msg2 tu semua. Tapi pernah lah. 

I go back the other day, and somehow it never fail to put a smile on my face. Eventhough lot have change now but still, it was all a very good memory. It make me realize that everything was sweet and lovely that time. We both mmg jarang mesej. Maybe bila something happen or maybe bila rindu kot. Tapi sebab jarang borak ler that makes everything exciting. And of course ber jam2 gak msg. Ingt lagi kredit habis sbb mesej, sanggup redeem point nk dpt 100 free text. I rasa mcm lagi exciting msg ngan joe dri ashraf. Hihihihi.. Sorry. Lols. We flirt like crazy kot that time tapi still i tak pernah ada perasaan ske dri sorng kwn pun. Nak lak masa tu i tgh couple dgn orng tu lah orng ni lah. But ashraf was like the last and serious bf i ever had. I start ada feeling kt joe pun masa tu dh break ngan ashraf masa form 4. Tapi sbb tak nak ruin friendship ni, i pendam jelah. Wlaupun ada masa rasa mcm nk bgitau je. And then to prevent this crush become strong, i pun terima ashraf balik. 

But still, the feeling never goes away. I find myself missing joe and bila fon i bunyi, i was hoping it was joe. Yeah, obviously i cheat kn time tu. I know i was with wrong person that time tpi entahlah. Sampailah i rasa ashraf pun maybe dpt rasa how unhappy i was with him and that maybe we both in wrong relationship now. So we broke up but still i rindu ashraf tpi i tau feeling tu dh tak macam dlu pun. So i start to talk to joe and we were okay. Bagi i dapat borak dgn dia pun dah bahagiakn diri i. Still, i kept my feelings to myself only.

Then masuk matriks, i meet a few guys but somehow he is still on my mind. And wlaupun i tau dia dah move on and have a few gf but still, the feeling was there. And weirdly i tak rasa jealous langsung bila dia cite psl gf dia. I remember bgitau dila yg rasa dia tu mcm, ' do what you want joe, im not gonna be jealous because i know at the end, you were mine'. Pergh, confidence giler. Tpi really, i tak pernah rasa jealous sebab tu i pernh ckp lagu "Teardrop on my guitar' by taylor tu sgt tak sesuai tok i because there were never tear to be drop anywhere. Even though joe with some other girl, we still good. We still talk mcm dlu2. We still could fight and flirt and joke. Everything was really good compare to sekrng lah. And i knew some of his gf sbb dia kenalkn i as kawan baik dia. Terharu giler beb. Hahaha.. 

But somehow after i dapat masuk ukm masa tu sem 2 kot ke sem 3, nothing was the same anymore. Everything is changing. And wlaupun i tau i takde buat salah (that confident level though) but still i rasa mcm i ada buat salah sebab i msg tak jawab, call jgn ckp lah. It was so hard to get hold of him. I rasa adalah gak dlm 6 month dia senyap kn diri. But still i msg dia once in awhile hoping that one of those time, dia balas. Time ni mmg lah i ske dia dah tpi dia tak tau pun. And effort ni semua bukan based on i ske dia ok, more to like he was my best friend. And of course i worry kalo tetbe best friend i senyap mcm ni. If it happen to the girls or fiqah, of course sis gonna act this way. But somehow ada lah gak rasa nk give up nyer. So as usual, i pick his birthday to wish him the best. I dah give up dah time tu tapi time tulah tetbe dia balas. It was like, a sign mcm dont give up on me just yet.

We talked tapi tak lama and something was off. Pastu dia senyap kembali. And i rasa mcm sgt2 down. It was like half of me just die tapi hidup harus diteruskan. So i move on slowy and live my life. Dah kalo orng taknak kawan ngan kita, takkan kita nk paksa kan. But still feeling tu ada tapi tak kuat sgt. And in order to hapus kan terus, i pun berkenalan lah dgn a few guy. Had crush on this one particular guy and somehow lagu enchated always be dedicated to him. Then come to point yg i nk give up, i nk blah tapi i nk bgitau dia yg i ske dia so that i tak rasa regret sbb tak luahkn. So bila i dah luahkn, i can go on. I taknak tau jwpan dia. Kalo dia ckp tak ske i, bgus gak. Lagi boleh move on kan. Ala sakit tu sket je, lama lama okay lah. Mcm tak pernah rasa heartbreak je. Hahaha.. But then he told me he like me too and everything after this is a history.

Well, like you guys tau. Ckp ske but treat me like shit. So what i can conclude is that maybe he did like me but the time is not right. It is too late. Sbb i ske dia masa form 4 and confess masa sem 5. Adalh dlm 5 tahun kot. See, 5 years late. And maybe he said it sebab nk jaga hati i je and now he change his mind and hope i faham and blah. The reason i wrote this pnjang2, it just to remind myself the reason why i need to go on because nothing was the same anymore. Yeah, we had a great memories back then, but everything change now. He's move on and so i need to do the same.

It was not just the old messages i go through. It was also the old post i wrote for him, about him many many years ago. How suddenly we talked about marriage and all. How he talked about jodoh with me. And i have seen lot of change. Lot have gone out of its original track. I guess, if it meant to be, somehow we will find our back. Somehow but not for me, not for this story i wrote. Ours dont have a happy ending. Ours only had a happy memories that i like to go back once in awhile. You were my soulmate, my person somehow and you will always be my best guyfriend. But i guess it all end here somehow.

So yeah i need to be that happy nasuha again. The one that didnt care a thing. The one that wont let anything hold her down. The one that fearless and not really heartless sebab always has an aww moment bila nampak kucing. Hahaha.. So yeah, here's to the throwback and the comeback. Here's to start of something new. 

Oh btw, alhamdulilah. Along dh sah jadi laki orng awal Sept aritu. I pun busy gak that time preparing and tolong apa patut. But everything is done now and i wish and pray everything went well and happy for along and his bride. Tgk orng kahwin, rasa nk kahwin gak but then i remember calon i masih sesat nk cari i or maybe hilang dari radar terus calon i ni. Hahahaha.. And the amount of question psl lepas ni i kinda get old and annoying. But whatever, biasalah pak cik mak cik atok nenek sedara, that was the very common favorite question from them and unpleasant definitely not favorite at all question for someone like me. Hahahaha.. Lols.