The gap and line between us

So, apparently things just didnt turn out the way i was hoping or planning. Macam biasa lah kann.. Ughh.. Because apparently the ghost from my past suddenly appear again in my life. And this time it leaves a huge hole inside of me. He speaks of the things that i have been dying to hear, things that i was hoping coming from him. And after lots of whatsapp story he post, i just accidentally need to pick the one about liverpool. *sigh

To be really honest, when he speaks about it. I admit i am not prepare even though i have been prepared myself for years now. That thing was the one of the thing i kept on imagine in my head somehow. But like always, even if we prepared for a very long times and we think we are ready for it but somehow when the days come, nothing feels right anymore. The night suddenly felt cold and dark and somehow you could hear your hearts sinking and breaking. In this situation i am having, i was handling my emotion so well by saying things normal people said like gladly happily congratulating. I repeat, i was handling my emotion so well..

But then the question was directly asked by him to me. That question was actually meant for me. And he suddenly open up about our past and i just go along with it. Ahh.. revisiting the past is what i kept doing lately anyway. We were arguing and laughing like we used to. And he started to whisper these sweet words that make me cringe and felt like there were million of butterflies inside my tummy wanted to get out.

To be honest, i had never felt this happy since that marriage talk i had with him back in 2013. And to be really really honest, it kinda freak me out because i dont do happy. Not anymore. Of course you nampak i happy and bubbly and laughing but that just what i want you guys to see. Beside, who wants to see dark, bitter of me? But on that day, i let myself be happy and just enjoy it. I cant stop listening to this stupid love songs. Same things go with the next day when he asked me all the things he never asked me. I mean we never do that. Asking about my days and have I eaten or not. We dont do that. We always just jump to the conversation or topic. But whatever, i was happy again. I was really really happy. And thats what scares me the most.

The happiness lasted for about 3 days i think. Then i started to feel doubt and running away seems like a really good idea. Even now. I mean i know that i want to spend my whole life with him. That i imagine things with him and even once said that i already found my chuck bass. But i guess things have change now. I have change. I have priorities now and goals that doesnt involved him anymore. I know i said i wanted to settle down when i was about 25 or 26 years old. But since he left, i stop believe in love and the idea of having that special someone. So, all i could think about is myself. All i want to focus is on me.

Somehow i do wish he told me that he's getting married soon and i could just sing 'someone like you' and just be done with it. I could just move on and lived my life and just be happy. I am finally free. And now it seems like all over again, back to where it all began 2 years ago. When i was here waiting for him and he just left and never looking back.

So, i create a gap and line between us to prevent myself of hoping that there will be a happy ending for us. That what you said was true and you wouldnt change your mind and disappear this time. Because i found myself getting weak around you like you suck all the energy out of me. And i found myself waiting for you and felt disappointing when you didnt even bother to text me like you did before this. Make me think that you change your mind again and go disappear and left me all alone again. Because i am really really tired of this game. And the fact that if you really did left this time, i could never be this person anymore, that i could go even darker than before.

I know that we still are taking our time and wanted to go with the flow and see where it takes us. But f you not serious with any of it, i really do want you to leave me while i still can pick myself up and move on. But if you really meant it, then show me and proof to me and we will figure things out. But somehow right now, i guess it is just not for me. It just seems like a little too late. Because i already move on or half move on. And besides, we are a different people now. We both changed. And i always believe that if i have doubt, i really should not go with it. Beside, all you had was words with no action at all. Makes me believe that these was too good to be true. Makes me think that this was just a dream realm, a fantasy that i create about us. I think it was best that we be like we are before. You on your own and i was in mine. Maybe we should let this go, let this idea past.