Forgiven

Ehem ehem.. post ni takde kene mengene sebab ni bulan mulia, bulan puasa okayyy... I have been this kind of feeling lately and before this. Mungkin tanda tanda nak matang kn diri kot. Eh eh eh... Hahahahaha... 

But it was true. I became more forgiving lately. Time do heals i guess.. 😉

I remember masa i marah sgt on this person who was related to me. Dia lah punca im having depression masa tu wlaupun yeah joe yg trigger but still the reason is dia. I marah sangat dgn dia sampai i block dia kt whatsapp and just block dia terus dri hidup i. And kalo boleh i taknak jumpa dia langsung. I sanggup blah macam tu je bila tau dia ada kt situ. Yeah i salam dia and kalo dia tanya something, i jawab. Tapi macam tu jelah. Dia tanya sepatah i jawab sepatah. Im not gonna elaborate more cause i cant stand you close to me. But now i guess i change. I forgive dia for the things dia buat dulu. And pray dia akan berubah satu hari nanti. Lately kalo terjumpa, i dah tak rasa pape. I dont feel the need to fake ke apa ke. It was like dia ada, fine. Dia takde, even fine actually but whatever. I move on. I didnt hold any grudge at all. It was like i let go all the things he did. Nak kata lupa pun maybe lah unless if somehow somewhere something trigger it back. For now, everything's good.

Then, along. Well, of course i marah kt dia masa i dapat tau dia break dgn kak dewi and back to ex dia si minah tu. Mmg lah dah takde jodoh nak buat macam mana kan. But still, if dia couple dgn orng lain, i be like totally fine with it. Some random girls rather than si minah tu. First of all, i marah kt along but still he is my cousin. Slalu kalo dia dok sibuk tanya psl kak dewi boleh nmpk lah betapa cold nyer i. I pernah ok cakap dgn dia dgn penuh sarcastic, heartless, mean and cold. Like i did to joe the day he called me. Tapi maybe sebab now along pun dah tunang kot dan alhamdulilah bukan dgn minah tu. And beside this feud is a long time ago. Along and kak dewi pun dah move on. And i should to. Nk marah lama lama pun buat apa kan? So aritu along call and kteorng borak lama gaklah about lots of thing macam dulu dulu. Sebab dulu masa bonda kat langkawi, dia lepak rumah i a few months gak lah so somehow bonding tu kuat and dia cite macam2 kt i and i kept it. He was the big brother i never had somehow. He was protective of me and he was there when i fall apart masa ashraf tinggalkn i dulu. He was there. And takkan lah sbb this one mistake i nak marah kt dia kan. Beside it was all the in the past now. No point of keep any hard feeling or vengeance. He's change now. He is different person now. And i wish the best in everything he did in his life. Nak jadi laki orng dah along niii. Hahahaha...

Last but not least, joe. My once upon a time best friend. My once upon a time person. Somehow marah i dah reda. And these past few weeks, for the first time, i feel happy. Like really really happy. I feel at peace. Im dancing and just having fun. I dont feel like i want to text him anymore. I dont feel like i miss him anymore. Not like i used to anymore. And somehow i forgave him. I forgave for the things he did last year or year before that. Maybe sebab tu i feel peace kot? Maybe lah. Beside, hating him was exhausting. Seriously. And aritu kluar berbuka dgn the girls and somehow mai make me realize something. Mai's word inspired me somehow. So yeah, i text him and we talked like we used to with random topic and jokes and laugh. Macam biasa lah kalo borak dgn joe, mesti macam macam topik kluar. It never end. So much to talk. And mcm biasa i be the last to end the conversation. I dont mind anymore. In fact, i think i get my closure. Since i dont want to ruin it, i just left the conversation like that. Nothing to add and nothing to begin. Maybe if he text me, i akan balas but that was all depends.

trust me i am not crying like meredith but it is true, hating you joe is the most exhausting i ever face so im just gonna move on, leave it like that, go with the flow and live my life without you in it

For now, i am happier and peaceful. It was like i did with ashraf. Kteorng break dlu pun bukan in good terms wlaupun masing masing agree. But slowly i move on and i text him when im ready. Look at us now. We both get our closure and we both move on. We still talked sometime and that just what it is. Terms ni i bagi nama, we are good but that just what it is. And antara i dengan joe, if ada jodoh, adalah. If takde, i redha je. Sis okay sajoo.. hahahaha...  Actually to be really honest, i kinda like we were like this. I mean after everything that i've been through, i dont think i want to be with joe, spend my whole life with him. I dont feel i want to anymore. I kinda happy the way it was now. Like callie said, trying to fix us is the thing thats been killing me slowly and maybe instead of loving you so hard, i should be myself for awhile. To be really honest, i dont think things can be fixed between me and joe. So i guess we will end just like calzona. Hahahaha.. Lols.. And beside i am really happy and i move on. I survive. I forgive. And i feel peace. Im living my life.