After took some time off last year, it is time for me to get myself up again. So im deciding to start to write again. I find it as a therapy actually. Kinda like a diary but with people read it. It is not that private like a diary but sort of. I mean dah kalo kita tak byk followers or takde pun, sape je nak baca?? Daaa... But of course the private things i might kept it as a draft but so far there is none just yet. I plan nk start writing up again but using a book, a diary instead of posting it in the blog. But then i was like so freaking lazy and plus i want to be environment friendly. You know that one tree is being sacrifice for one page. Imagine if there were 100 pages for each of 100 books. The world will be freaking hot without the tree and then there was apocalypse. Lols. Just messing with you.
So whats up with me?
Well, 2018 was not really all that great year for me. I fall into a very darkest place in my life. Honestly, i lose myself. I dont even know who i am. Im not happy and i am not even that sad. I cant even remember the last time i had a good honest laugh and i cant even remember the last time i had a genuine smile. I can think of all the happy moments but it just feel blurry and i am pretty sure that girl was not me. I dont know what i wanna do with my life. I dont even know what the purpose of living. Well, i know. It just that i am freaking tired to even think about it. I penat. Penat sangat with everything. All i could feel is that i want to crawl back to my bed and just stared the ceilling. Really though. When do life gets this hard?
I ingt lagi masa tu i dah nak habis belajar dah and my mom ask me to apply job kat LinkedIn and Jobstreet and sent email to some of her colleague. Tapi korng faham tak bila kita tak rasa nk buat bende tu. So i procrastinate but i think i end up doing kot. Then i dapat kerje ngan AIA early April last year. Alhamdulilah. I mean i was depressed but i just go with the interview. Not really put high hopes or anything. But alhamdulilah dapat. So i try to think positive and hope for the best. Kerje baru hidup baru. But naaa.. dh kalo down tu mmg down pun. It just that im good in faking my face. My team mates is nice and lovely. I actually have fun with them and I even loved them to bits. I mean come on lah kalo tak takkan lah i attend wedding kawan i tu siap jadi bridesmaid lagi tau and then keluar gi memana je. Karok, wayang, makan, you named it girl. I did enjoy my days with them and everything. But any good things, it need to come to an end. And beside i am not happy there anymore. I stay working there is because of tina and erma and my teammate. Kalo ikut kan hati i dah nk chow lama dh. I dh start gi interview, job hunting while i didnt do anything. But no such luck. The job that i want doesnt want me. And the job that i kinda dont want, want me. But i refuse to take it because of the job and the salary. So i kinda dh niat. And at the end i got job offer which i take it. It wasnt my choice/dream job, but the salary is ok. And since i dah niat, i take it. So yeah im officially no longer with AIA. And honestly, i feel lot and lot happier. I did you know.
But of course i miss being travel and being around with my teammates. With the job i had before, i got to travel to Penang mostly and Johor with my teammates. So, kerje plus jalan jalan. Nak lak tu boleh claim everything. Sape je taknak wei. Peluang jangan dilepaskan. The new job i had will make me lose that travel thing. Because mostly i will be around kl or selangor and be in office 9 to 5 like normal people. Lols. I hope for the best though. But then if it doesnt suited me, i can always walk away and find a better job. Hahaha.. So yeah, that is basically whats going on with my life for the past last year. I know, i left out about joe. Well, things did not turn okay between me and him. He distance himself and i could feel like he regretting of the married question he asked me before. And i lose all my strength to fight back, to save the relationship/friendship. I fall hard and like i say before, i am tired. I do my best before. I fight till the end. I hold on to whatever i can reach. But it all falls apart anyway. I cant do this alone. I cant steering this ship all by myself. I need him. I need joe by my side to hold it together. But he left. And i am done chasing him. But we both still talk. I guess we both stick around for the sake of this friendship. Ok, enough. I think that is all.
For 2019, i wanna make a change. I wanna start fresh like new year, new me. Cliche but true. I want to heal.
You know how i never believe in setting any goals or resolution for a year because i know for the fact that i wont accomplish it? But this year, i want to make goals/resolution. And i will try my very best to achieve all of it. Insyallah. I nk tampal siap2 kt almari i so that bila i bukak almari i, i nampak bnde alah tu. So part of it is 1) finish read at least 5books this year 2) be more healthier and fit 3) go travel at least one place 4) control my spending and save at least rm500 every month
As part of healing... I really dont want to fall in that deep dark hole anymore. I dont want to get through the things i felt throughout 2018. I dont want to swallow those pills anymore hoping that i didnt wake up tomorrow. So for a better mental health this 2019. I welcome my depression but with also helping myself. I let myself crawl to bed and feeling helpless. But i also will make myself feel better next day after recharging or whatever. I wanna be better and happier. I am healing inside and out.
And i also think it is time for me to move on and growth. All these time i let myself attach to joe. He was my rock. But im a kite. I soar up above the sky. Im gonna let loose, let myself be free and explore the world. I love joe and i always will do. But i think it is time for me to let him go and go on with my life. Let the time decide. Let everything go with the flow. I believe if it meant to be, it will be. Jodoh takkan ke mana. Kalo i dgn joe betul dijodohkan bersama, i percaya Allah akan temukan kiteorng balik. Sbb bagi i kalo kita takde jodoh, mcm mne i paksa pun, it wont work.. So buat apa nk penat kan diri kan? Just let it be. If it meant to be, it will be. I hold on to that words.
I appreciate to those who stay in my life and also for a lesson left by those who leave. I wish nothing but the best to those who i cut ties to and who also cut ties with me, those who i pretend did not see in real life, and didnt like any single post in the social media, the one i unfriend or unapproved in any of my social platform. To those who stay... whether we know each other quite sometime or just known each other and we get along super fine, thank you for accepting who i really am. I hope our friendship carry on and survive this 2019. I pray you all the best in achieving your goal this year and may Allah ease everything you do.
I do not know what to expect this year. But i hope the best. I hope there is a rainbow waiting for me at the end and sunshine that light my day everyday. I pray Allah ease me in things i do, the job i choose to. I pray i will be lot happier and smile and laugh this year. I am loving the new me. I accept everything i am. I am a warrior, a survivor and i dont give a fuck of things people say. I love me and i know who i am. I am ready. So bring it on 2019.
So whats up with me?
Well, 2018 was not really all that great year for me. I fall into a very darkest place in my life. Honestly, i lose myself. I dont even know who i am. Im not happy and i am not even that sad. I cant even remember the last time i had a good honest laugh and i cant even remember the last time i had a genuine smile. I can think of all the happy moments but it just feel blurry and i am pretty sure that girl was not me. I dont know what i wanna do with my life. I dont even know what the purpose of living. Well, i know. It just that i am freaking tired to even think about it. I penat. Penat sangat with everything. All i could feel is that i want to crawl back to my bed and just stared the ceilling. Really though. When do life gets this hard?
I ingt lagi masa tu i dah nak habis belajar dah and my mom ask me to apply job kat LinkedIn and Jobstreet and sent email to some of her colleague. Tapi korng faham tak bila kita tak rasa nk buat bende tu. So i procrastinate but i think i end up doing kot. Then i dapat kerje ngan AIA early April last year. Alhamdulilah. I mean i was depressed but i just go with the interview. Not really put high hopes or anything. But alhamdulilah dapat. So i try to think positive and hope for the best. Kerje baru hidup baru. But naaa.. dh kalo down tu mmg down pun. It just that im good in faking my face. My team mates is nice and lovely. I actually have fun with them and I even loved them to bits. I mean come on lah kalo tak takkan lah i attend wedding kawan i tu siap jadi bridesmaid lagi tau and then keluar gi memana je. Karok, wayang, makan, you named it girl. I did enjoy my days with them and everything. But any good things, it need to come to an end. And beside i am not happy there anymore. I stay working there is because of tina and erma and my teammate. Kalo ikut kan hati i dah nk chow lama dh. I dh start gi interview, job hunting while i didnt do anything. But no such luck. The job that i want doesnt want me. And the job that i kinda dont want, want me. But i refuse to take it because of the job and the salary. So i kinda dh niat. And at the end i got job offer which i take it. It wasnt my choice/dream job, but the salary is ok. And since i dah niat, i take it. So yeah im officially no longer with AIA. And honestly, i feel lot and lot happier. I did you know.
But of course i miss being travel and being around with my teammates. With the job i had before, i got to travel to Penang mostly and Johor with my teammates. So, kerje plus jalan jalan. Nak lak tu boleh claim everything. Sape je taknak wei. Peluang jangan dilepaskan. The new job i had will make me lose that travel thing. Because mostly i will be around kl or selangor and be in office 9 to 5 like normal people. Lols. I hope for the best though. But then if it doesnt suited me, i can always walk away and find a better job. Hahaha.. So yeah, that is basically whats going on with my life for the past last year. I know, i left out about joe. Well, things did not turn okay between me and him. He distance himself and i could feel like he regretting of the married question he asked me before. And i lose all my strength to fight back, to save the relationship/friendship. I fall hard and like i say before, i am tired. I do my best before. I fight till the end. I hold on to whatever i can reach. But it all falls apart anyway. I cant do this alone. I cant steering this ship all by myself. I need him. I need joe by my side to hold it together. But he left. And i am done chasing him. But we both still talk. I guess we both stick around for the sake of this friendship. Ok, enough. I think that is all.
For 2019, i wanna make a change. I wanna start fresh like new year, new me. Cliche but true. I want to heal.
You know how i never believe in setting any goals or resolution for a year because i know for the fact that i wont accomplish it? But this year, i want to make goals/resolution. And i will try my very best to achieve all of it. Insyallah. I nk tampal siap2 kt almari i so that bila i bukak almari i, i nampak bnde alah tu. So part of it is 1) finish read at least 5books this year 2) be more healthier and fit 3) go travel at least one place 4) control my spending and save at least rm500 every month
As part of healing... I really dont want to fall in that deep dark hole anymore. I dont want to get through the things i felt throughout 2018. I dont want to swallow those pills anymore hoping that i didnt wake up tomorrow. So for a better mental health this 2019. I welcome my depression but with also helping myself. I let myself crawl to bed and feeling helpless. But i also will make myself feel better next day after recharging or whatever. I wanna be better and happier. I am healing inside and out.
And i also think it is time for me to move on and growth. All these time i let myself attach to joe. He was my rock. But im a kite. I soar up above the sky. Im gonna let loose, let myself be free and explore the world. I love joe and i always will do. But i think it is time for me to let him go and go on with my life. Let the time decide. Let everything go with the flow. I believe if it meant to be, it will be. Jodoh takkan ke mana. Kalo i dgn joe betul dijodohkan bersama, i percaya Allah akan temukan kiteorng balik. Sbb bagi i kalo kita takde jodoh, mcm mne i paksa pun, it wont work.. So buat apa nk penat kan diri kan? Just let it be. If it meant to be, it will be. I hold on to that words.
I appreciate to those who stay in my life and also for a lesson left by those who leave. I wish nothing but the best to those who i cut ties to and who also cut ties with me, those who i pretend did not see in real life, and didnt like any single post in the social media, the one i unfriend or unapproved in any of my social platform. To those who stay... whether we know each other quite sometime or just known each other and we get along super fine, thank you for accepting who i really am. I hope our friendship carry on and survive this 2019. I pray you all the best in achieving your goal this year and may Allah ease everything you do.
I do not know what to expect this year. But i hope the best. I hope there is a rainbow waiting for me at the end and sunshine that light my day everyday. I pray Allah ease me in things i do, the job i choose to. I pray i will be lot happier and smile and laugh this year. I am loving the new me. I accept everything i am. I am a warrior, a survivor and i dont give a fuck of things people say. I love me and i know who i am. I am ready. So bring it on 2019.
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