But i do really know what i learn from this following year..
People change. They change to someone they say they never were. And somehow you just have to deal with it. To move on. To go on with the flow. And im not just create story or whatever with this. It was in fact the truth. What i realize is those who i thought were my friend, my close family, my allies. Turn out to be the other way around. Yeah, they were an incredibly nice people i knew before. But now, i just dont even know them. Maybe sbb aku ada set high expectation kot kt people. Bila aku buat sesuatu yg baik or ble aku ada sacrifice something, aku harap the other person will do the same with me. Tpi of course lah tidak. Bukan mengungkit ke apa. Just that the way i am. Sbb tu for now aku actually dh mlas nk bwat baik kt orng2 yg mcm ni. Aku tau orng akan ckp, xkisah lh janji dpt pahala. Tpi kalo xikhlas pun xde gne gak kn? So baik buat dek je. Aku still buat baik kt dorng tu cme ala kadar, sekadar nk balas apa2 hutang budi aku kt dorng. But most of the time i was being fake. Even rasanya most of the time aku senyum je. Aku xckp byk. Sbb aku takut kalo byk ckp kang, ada tkluar ayat2 yg dh lama terpendam, yg berbau sarkastik, yg sgt2 menusuk hati. Xpasal kang gaduh ler apa ler. Timbul lh pulak babak2 dri drama melayu tu. TAK PAYAH! Buat xtau je. Wlaupun sakit hati. Wlaupun rasa mcm nk meletup dh. Tpi biarlh kita je tau apa yg kita rasa. Yg xpenting tu xyah sibuk gedik2 nk tau. Gi main jauh2.
Learn to let it go. Dlm byk2 bnde. Bnde pling ssh bgi aku yg nie. Melepaskan. Aku mmg xpndai dlm hal2 nie. As you know. Nancy passed away early September. It was a very heartbreaking moment for us, satu family. Tpi setiap yg hidup pasti pergi. And we had to redha with everything and move on. Aku rasa ada dlm seminggu tiap2 ari aku nangis. Rasa mcm xley nangis pun, aku tetap nangis. Tengok gmbr dia. Tgk video dia. Nie pun dh rasa nangis. Betul2 tersentuh jiwa nie ha. Last aku nangis masa arwah atok aku meninggal. Sbb tu aku xley tgk cte2 yg ada scene orng tersyg mati. Sbb aku confirm sebak nyer. Confirm. And walupun sekrng dh ada pengganti kt umah tu. But i do miss her sometime. Cme dh xnangis sgt lh. But i do, miss her. And then there was joe. He is still alive just that we not so close as we were before. I dont know what happen. Tpi aku dh cbe. Aku dh try pertahankan everything. But still it wasnt the same. The chemistry is just.. so dilute. X concentrated mcm dlu. Kita xgaduh pun cme mungkin masing2 dh laen, masing2 dh ada kehidupan sendiri. And slow2 kau pergi jauh. Sementara aku still menunggu. Tpi last2 aku terima je and move on. Segala yg berlaku smue tu ada hikmah kn? Tpi satu je yg aku nk kau tau, you are my 1st and probably the last best guyfriend i ever had. And yeah, aku rindu kau. A lot. Most of the time but i think it lessen now which was good i guess. Cuma satu je aku harap, kau xlpe kn aku mcm aku xkn pernah lpekn kau. And kalo satu hari nanti kau tetbe teringat kt aku, msg lah aku. Aku ada je kt sini, menunggu dan terus menunggu.Aku tak pernah putus bharap yg satu hari kita akan kembali keadaan asal. Tpi aku redha dgn semuanya yg tjadi. Aku percaya Allah dh set from the top. Ada hikmah napa kita tak bersama lagi.
But despite with those bad time and knew those awful people, i still had the great one's.Alhamdulilah, my friendship with the girls are still stand strong. Alhamdulilah. And yeah, aku xpernah putus2 doa yg this frendship last till Jannah. Insyallah. And aku ske balik rumah sbb aku dpt spent time ngan family aku yg comey2 nie ha. Wlaupun tiap2 mlm sabtu kene sleepover umah nenek. But still, the bonding time was all i ever needed and appreciated. Harap2 kte sentiasa stay this way despite all the fighting, argument, disapproval and misunderstanding.Yep, me, the girls n my little family. :)
New friendship. Mcm aku ckp dlu. Aku nie bkn snang sgt nk rapat ngan orng. It takes time.. Nie pun dh masuk tahun 2 baru aku btul2 rapat ngan classmates aku. Yg btul2 bley ngam ngan otak aku. Yg xselfish nk mampus. Yg gila2. So this 2014, yeah, i make a new friendship. Meeting new people. Yg pling aku rapat, yg 3 orng ni lah, wanie, dila and ama. The three of them. Nk gi mana2 gi sama, mkn sama2, gila sama2, smue nk sama2 lah. Bkepit je. T'ingt lak masa sklh2 dlu ngan the girls. Mmg berkepit je smpai cikgu smue dh tau. Even dh label sbg geng sbb asyik berkepit je. Tpi kteorng just mmg rapat mcm tu. Sbb tu syukur sgt2 friendship kterong tahan smpai sekrng wlaupun smue belajar laen2 tmpt n jauh gak lah kot wlaupun still dlm area kl/selangor nie. Jap, nie dh ambik segment yg atas nie. Okay2. Pastu aku kenal sorng mamat sabah nie nama dia Happy. Serious xtipu. Nama dia mmg happy cme yg sedih nama bapak dia bkn gembira. Okay aku dh kira mengutuk nie. Ampuni daku. Dia okay wlaupun nmpk senyap. N sape sangka dia lyn New Girl. Cte fav aku tu. Setakat HIMYM rasanya dh ramai aku jumpa. Tpi new girl. Wow. I impress. Nie sama lh mcm ble aku tau Dila classmate aku tu lyn cte gossip girl. See, i meeting new people. I get to know them, know their interest. And who know ada persamaan lak. Mmg khusyuk ler beborak kn. Sapa kata aku sombong. Haha.. Aku ok jelah. Aku ni awesome, weird n unique tau pas korng kenal. Angkat bakul sendiri nmpk. Haha. :D
Be your own savior Lately nie aku rasa aku slalu spent ngan diri aku. Aku ni kn lone ranger. Forever alone bak kata the girls. I like to be left with my books, my music, my tumbr, my blog, my own though, my own wonderland. Ye nmpk mcm jenis yg blur n kuat berangan. Tpi mmg betul pun. Lols. Sbb kdg2 aku rasa mcm penat dgn manusia. Xspecially sepesis yg jual ikan (selfish), yg kacang lpekn kulit (xkenang budi) n yg tikam belakang (backstabber). Tpi xdelh menyendiri all the time. Tu dh kira depression wlaupun aku mmg ada bipolar. Kdg2 aku depends kt orng laen gak. Cme sekrng limited. For now my circle getting smaller, my trust are got given free to others. The one im comfortable with je like the girls, my parents n adik n my cats. But most of the time, aku rasa comfortable ngan diri aku.Tpi xtau lah, lately nie aku lgi ske simpan smue dlam ati sbb ada certain things aku rasa xrmai akan pham. Nk lak i am really a complicated person. Sekian. But as long as im surrounded with people i love, whom i comfortable with, i will be okay. Like i say, sometime i just want them around, they do need to know what a bad day i've been through, i dont have to tell them how horrible i feel that time. It was like, kau ok? aku ok. kita ok. Simple.
All n all, 2014 wasnt really a good year for me. Seriously. Sbb tahun nie lah aku nmpk true colour sekor2. Yg selama nie aku ingt baik mcm malaikat rupanya selfish nk mampus. Thun nie gak lah i know who my true friends are n who are my real enemy. So sedikit sebyk, aku bersyukur lah. Better late than never kn.
So semoga segala pengajaran thun 2014 nie menjadikn aku insan yg baik dan berbeza pada thun 2015 dan masa hadapan. Insyallah.
Adios 2014. You make me realize so many things. You change me to someone new. You show me beautiful and awful things. Yet i am grateful with whatever Allah had given me this year. Alhamdulilah.
No comments:
Post a Comment