the end.

I have a few versions of this post. I wrote it as time goes by. I post it and took it down numerous times. Not because suddenly things changed but it just was not the right time. It just doesn't seem like it is the end. If you read the history of it. We always make up after a fight. We always patch things up and talk like nothing ever happens. like everything was okay and that we were fine. It was just another thunderstorm and it started to sunny again once it was over. But it was different this time. It is the end. 

It amazes me how we could be strangers and then share so much but at last, we go back to where it started. A stranger. I believe the people we meet and allow to enter our lives teach us some valuable lessons somehow. Even though the goodbye part is the hardest but once we get over it, we see the 'reason' behind everything happening for a reason. 

You came into my life unplanned and we should have stopped talking after I told the lies about how I got your number. I shouldn't have even kept your number in the first place and then given it to someone I know. But then there we are. Honestly, I had never experienced anything like this. When we first got to know each other, I felt like I know you. It is like my soul has met you before. I do not know how to explain it. I kept trying to find this connection. I kept asking people. I asked my friend if they ever cross with someone that they just met but it feels like you have known each other for a lifetime. But I never actually got the answer. I google it as well okay because it feels weird. And the fact that I never felt like this before gives me a thousand thoughts. But I know now, that you were my soul buddies. 

We shared so much with each other and we have lots of memories together. Despite the age gap and the distance. We were somehow able to do things together. Like, remember when both took MUET together? I took it at Matriks and you at some high school. But we took it on the same day. So we kinda have a similar topic. And that night we talked about this, sharing our stories of facing this MUET. We always watched football together. If I were not able to watch it, you will be updating the current score. And I will do the same for you if you did not get a chance to watch it. Funnily we got heartbroken around the same time. I think I got dumped first and then you are having yours or it was the other way round. I don't remember it much but I know that time we pour our hearts out, we cry, and listen to some sad songs. It was funny when I look at it back. The heartbreak was unbearable that we plot to kill each other. But you say, if you die, who will I be friends with? So we scrap the idea out. 

We did not talk every day with each other. But when we do talk, we could do it for hours. It seems like we always have something to talk about even though it was silly. I mean who can I talk about sampin for almost two hours or the fact that we talked about tandas KLCC RM2. How sometimes you just play a guessing game with me. We are both very competitive even though there is no winning prize. I missed it though. I miss talking to you. But mostly I miss us. The version of us who were young and carefree. I think the real world breaks us up. 

We were so close that somehow it scares me. What if you meet someone and then you forget about me? Or how if I meet some guy and I forget about you. Even though we prove to each other that, even if we are both with someone at that moment, we will not forget each other. And I guess after a while and we were both single and the conversation getting deeper, I started to grow feelings for you. I tried to brush it off. I helped you to get a few girls you have a crush on and I go be with a few guys. But the feeling was always there. It never go away, it never died. It just stood there waiting. 

And the wait is over the day I confess and then you said you like me too. We become different people even though we never declare we were together. Suddenly you started to distance and I was wondering if I ever did anything wrong to you. You never explain and just want me to forget about it. We talked but not like before. I felt hurt but I think maybe you got a lot of things in your mind. I tried to be understanding and ignore it. But along the way, I just felt tired with all of this and I could feel myself slip. It was all I ever want but is it even worth it? Are we even meant to be?

I kept thinking of walking away and leaving all of this behind, leaving you as it is. Saving myself while I still could before I fell way too deep. But I kept coming back and you kept reassuring me. So I hold on to whatever I have and have faith that this storm will be over. That the sun will shine again and we will be okay. And I thought it finally ends when you started to talk about marriage to me. I thought that the day has come. I was wrong. You ask me to forget about it after a few months of saying it. You took back your words. It breaks my heart into millions of pieces. I could feel it drop and crash. I did not beg you to change your mind. But I stayed and hope that you did change your mind somehow. But at the same time, I was so tired and I just wants it to end. So I left. I walked away and I never turn back.

Of course, it breaks my heart again, whatever is lefts of it anyway. I was never the same person again after that day.

But eventually, I know now why it needs to end, why it has to end. We were so careful in taking care of what we had as it was delicate. It was our masterpiece that somehow we tore up. We stopped caring about it. We grew distant and fell apart. Your name stopped flashing on my phone and my call was left unanswering. We go from having lots of talks to being unable to form any words or sentences. How did we even get here? 

I know that I am the one who said I am done with this. I know I am the one who calls it quit and ends it. But we both know somehow it was for the best. We destroy the best part that we have by staying together. We hurt each other to see who had the most bruises. We want this to work so bad but nothing is working anymore. All we did was broke each other hearts and it has to stop before it goes horribly wrong. It has already damaged us and that is why I left. 

From here and there, then and now, you know I will do anything for you. Even though I never said it but you know, I will do those things Bruno Mars said in "Grenade". You know marriage just wasn't for me. Of course, I want it, more when it was with you. But you know deep down, I have so many things to do. You know how I wanted to continue my study. and you are always one of my supporters. I remember the very last day we talked. You asked me did I had already continued with it and I said not yet but soon. I could feel a small grin from you. You are always proud of the things I did and achieve. And I was happy when you told me about your new job and a new place. I was glad you were doing great. And I wanted to thank you for giving me the closure that I have been seeking since the day I walk away. Thank you for put an end to this as I knew you need it too.

You will always have a special place in my heart and the back of my mind. If an alternate universe existed, I hope we make it in one of them. But even if it doesn't, I hope we meet again in heaven. You were my best friend joe. You were my person, my everything. And even though we are no longer talking, I always kept you in my prayers. I wish you the very best in anything you do and I hope you meet someone who could give you what you need. I miss you so much but I really hope our paths will not cross again in this world. I hope we both peacefully live our life. Happy and content. I will never forget us and I hope you won't too. But I think it is best that you go your own way and I go mine. It is better to leave as it is and end it.

just a thought

I never thought that a person close to me had the same issue as I was. maybe it was a bit different situation than I was but still it kinda same more or less.

I know that they planned to get married soon. However, due to some events that happen on both sides, they postponed it time and time again. But I think they decide at last to have the marriage somewhere next year. It's just something that happens all of a sudden. It is not like either of them meets someone along the way. Just one side felt he had enough and wanted to end it. 

I hope they figure it out somehow and I hope they make it through it all. I know the girl is very loyal and patiently waiting for him to come to his sense. It was bad enough that the boy side know this and tried to change his mind. But the girl side knows nothing at all. And the busyness will always be an excuse. 

I admire how strong she is in this. She decided that this is what she wants and she knows he is all she ever wanted. She chooses to stay and hold on and pray that one day he change his mind. One day he will realize that she is all he ever wanted. One day they are together again and make that dream happen.

I wasn't like that though. Not even close. I grew tired and fed up. It is taken a toll on my life which at one point made me feel like I slowly losing myself. Like I was here but disappear at the same time. My mental health was worsen every day and faking a smile seems too ordinary to do. I love him too much. I would do anything for him. I give it my all. I give my world to him. But I can't sail this ship alone. I can't sit around and hope and think if you will ever come again and then which version I would get now. I just can't do this anymore. That is why I left. Even though he is everything I ever wanted. I saw our future together and I dreamt it will happen one day. But I am done waiting and hoping. So I pack my bag and left a note. And that was the last time you hear from me. Up until that day, you called me and we talked. But that was a closure that we both need for us to move on and go on with our lives.

I told my friend that whatever her decision is, she should not feel regret. And if she can hold on, hold it tightly. Hold it until you just had enough. Let it all go once you are ready. It hurt. It hurts like hell. But like any storm, the sun will shine again. I don't know how long it takes, but you get there somehow. 

And I think somehow I did as well. Remember him was not that hurtful anymore. Yes, I miss him terribly. And I reminisce about the past once in a while. He is still there in the back of my mind and his name is forever lingering in my mouth. But that's just it. He was part of my memories. I was happier now. I was fine even though I never get the old me back. I was good. I was content and that's whats mattered.

cleaning

I was not procrastinating in writing that last piece of him. But I was finding an inspiration. They said if you love something, you need to let it go. So I was doing spring cleaning to my room. From my bookshelf to my clothes, toiletries, bag and lastly my shoes. You have no idea how many things I have already let go of. Not to mention the things that I did not use yet. I realize now that I am a hoarder and I have lots of things and I should not shop more until I use it all.

Changes are good. I could do with some changes. 

That was not the only thing I rummage into. I started to randomly read my last post. It was so funny. Like how naive I was for writing those. But it brings lots of good memories. The kind of I forget it already but when I read it, I will be like "really, is that really happening?". I kind of forget those posts I write about other boys, others than Joe. 

I was so wild and carefree back then. I am always fearless and curious. How did that change huh? 

I came across a post I wrote about my scandal. Yeah, back then when I was in UKM, they kept pairing me up with this guy who makes everybody think we are together. Little did they know, I was wishing the same thing too. We always texting and talking. We always spend time together with a study group. I remember when we both tired, so he show me a bunch of 'The Voice' videos that he save on his laptop. And I think somehow that is the reason why I started and still am watching it. Even though it doesn't really remind me of him. I just thought about it after I reread one of the posts. I believe we could be something more. But then I think you were not mine to begin with. We had a fun ride. But deep down we both know that this was supposed to be temporary and that you were never mine.

Other than that, I was caught up with the feelings I had for Joe. I know deep down somehow, he gets past that layer. But I can't let it get through it. So I make sure he ends up with his now wife. He is happy and I am happy for him. It was somehow a happy ending for both of us. 

This is the past and now it will be lost in the memory.

a fictional character

I am the book type of girl. I tried to read this e-book but it did not give the satisfaction like a physical book. I love the smell of this new/old book and how my finger turns the page forward or backward. The e-book was lack of smell and touch. You just touch the screen and scroll. I mean I could do that each time I was scrolling Twitter or Instagram. But then each people has a different way. Maybe some likes to read the e-book but write a diary. And some like physical books but write a blog. 

Since I bought a lot of books back then. I need to like slowly finish it and buy a new one. HAHAHA... I just can't you know. I just love to go to the book store and then I end up buying anyway. even if it's just one or two books. But if I go to the big bad wolf, then I would let myself buy at least 10 books. So I try to at least finish 5 books in a year. Sometimes it is less but sometimes it is more a bit. But I think this one particular book was by far the quickest. I just can't stop myself from reading it but I tried to. I mean, I don't want to finish it this early though. The book is so good. Sometimes I just go back to certain pages and just read them again even though my pages were way far from that. 

This book is really something. I had this Malay book that I love to reread every year but I think somehow I stop already. And now I found it in an English book. So now I have 2 favorites book. 

If you think this post was just about books, you were wrong... 

The book I read now, well, the story was not similar to my story, the character also was not similar to him and i. But one scene, in particular, reminds me of what he is saying. I know in this book, it just saying it is just a kiss... and somehow it took me to the day where he ask me to marry him and we have a very long conversation after that and after that. But then one day, out of blue, he ask me to forget about it as if it was just a word, a meaningless sentence. I know, I should have reacted more and walked away. But I took it even when it tore me apart and it slash my heart a bit. But I think maybe this just wasn't the right time. Maybe he got lots of things going on. Maybe it will be okay later. I mean, he's still here right?

Because of this part, I started to go back and reminisce about the past. I started to read the old post I wrote for him. I started to find a good sad song. Manage to find a couple that I have added to the playlist I made for him. I started to watch all the death scenes in Grey's just so that I can cry. I am started to do all the things I used to do when it hurts and when I missed him.

Also, I feel like I am delaying the post that I dedicated to him. I know I have written it a couple times before but I kept taking it down. Now, my conscious mind has reminded me that I need to write and post it. It was the final step to really move on and let it go. I did with Ashraf before. So I should do the same with Joe. It was closure for this. But I kept procrastinating on it. All because it felt really over once the post is up. Like I am finally ready to end the book of Joe and Nadira. And it scares the crap of me. I know I have to do it. And I know I am ready and I am getting better. But.. it just felt like the second I get over him then it really is over. And a part of me felt like I just sabotaging all this. I kept sabotaging this anyway.

Remember when I said I hear the All To Well 10-minute version in my last post? I know the reason I did this. Why I did not want to acknowledge the good feeling. Well, other than my heart was not that fully healing. It's just that I kept playing the saddest song when I feel like he is slipping from my mind. So I listen to it just to feel it again, the feeling of longing. So I kept holding on to it. Even though I know deep down I am almost healing and I feel better. He is no longer lingering in my mind so much. Of course, most of the things I did will definitely remind me of us. But it wasn't hurt like before. I know now why it needs to end, why it ends the way it ends. I love talking to him and I kinda miss talking to him. He was my best friend first. But it is what it is. I redha.

I would write that piece of him and then post it. Stay tuned.

short thrilled love

Remember in my last post that I mentioned I got to know someone. Well, it ends... Hahaha... I know it was short and full of lust.

Honestly, all those times that we talk, I could feel myself in my teens where I giggle and grin. It was just like pure lust. But minus the fact that when he said something sweet, instead of I listened to all those good love songs, I go and listen to All Too Well 10 minutes version or any sad song in my 'Missing You' and Playlist for J' playlist. How messed up that is. 

As I said I knew him from the internet but not that dating site even though I did plan to create one someday. I know I said I won't before but I'm just a human, we are bound to change our minds every single time. It was just a random thing where he add me and I approved. He texted me and I replied. Then everything just leads to another. I shared my number so fast. Not like before, back then when I was actively pursuing this online blind love. I mean there is where I met ashraf and then ashari and a few guys after that. I do not know how open and optimistic I was back then. I was fearless and carefree. And I thought I still have it with me but actually not quite yet.

Honestly, I like him. I do He was caring and thoughtful. A very sweet talker and funny. But sadly my heart hates him. Sometimes if I see his name pop out, I felt annoyed but sometimes I did smile. I waited for his text most of the time. I will never be the first to text. but I did once in a blue moon. I think I could only calculate by 1 hand how many times did I make the first move.

It was so short. He came when I think I am ready and after I deleted everything about Joe that was saved nicely on my phone. We talked about everything and try to know each other. He liked Korean drama btw and was a bit clueless about football. He is a Pisces sign. I have nothing against fish okay. He is very hard working and loves to cook. I could imagine myself liking him deeply and settling down with him somehow. Everything was going great. We flirt and joke around. But then one day we have a big fight about some silly thing and now we just stop talking. And I ... I adore him but not much to chase, to fight, or to do anything to save this. I just let it go, let it pass, and move on. In fact, as I was writing this, I deleted every trace of him that I have.

It was short and thrilling. But it wasn't love. It was pure lust and wanting to have someone who care, someone who showered me with love and attention. It was never loved and I know deep down it was never meant to be last. It was initially just an experiment that I did for myself. I wanna see how damaged I was. Well, not much but something has obviously broken inside me and I still need time to heal. 

When and if next time I fall in love, I want to be able to hear those good love songs that I once listed in my playlist instead of listening to a 10-minute version of All Too Well. When and if I fall in love again, I don't want to feel annoyed at all when I see that person's name on my phone. I want to feel peace and in love. When and if I fall in love, I hope I still have a fight with me and that there is something to give back. You see I give everything to Joe and most of it was never returned back to me. That is why I wasn't the same before. I was very cautious and since I lost my fight on that battlefield, there was none of my warrior or fighter spirit in me. It was like what flow, flow. I have no intention to chase or force it anymore. 

But overall, I realize that even though I feel like I was okay and moved on, my heart never did. She still need time to heal completely and that I was okay. I think when the right time comes, when Allah feels like I was completely ready, my knight in shining whatever will come. InsyaAllah. For now, I would just focus on self healing and myself.

On a side note, I realize that I really really do prefer a guy who can speak football language. I mean you can like Korean drama all you want but please know your football. It doesn't have to be the same team as mine. You can have my rival. I just need someone to fight with me if his teams lose with my team. You know just like Joe. He will definitely tease me in the last friendly match because his clubs win over mine. *chuckle

My little experiment

Life has been pretty weird actually. My parents seem like trying to hook me up with someone despite I clearly stating I want to be single forever, with no attachment, no settling down. I do not know which part of my word seems unclear. Seriously, it was so not fun and a bit annoying. I don't know if it is because I have made up my mind or the fact that I did not yet move on. 

The other day, my parents went to this open house organized by my dad's family side. It basically involves so many people that we just found out we related. So my dad was eager to go and be match-making over there. And they met this lady who invite them to go to her open house and wanted me to meet up with her son. I wasn't that keen obviously and my first reaction was FUCK. Yes, it came out randomly but I half meant it. 

I am avoiding saying anything related to that night and luckily for me, we did not go. I was relieved. But then it did not stop there. It seems like sometimes when it involves a guy, it feels like and it seems like the sentence shows as if they are trying to be match-making. I had made up my mind that I didn't want to get married and I devoted myself to being single forever. Why cant people just accept and respect that?? Was it so hard or was my word not clear? Please people enlighten me with this.

I did make up my mind but sometimes I do missing to have someone, being in love, falling in love. And the fact that I have finally deleted all the memories. Yep, no more conversations on WhatsApp, no longer the call log, gone were the pictures and phone number. Honestly, I never thought I was able to do it. I mean, how can you just walk away from these 13years of knowing each other? We spent so much time together, joking, sharing, and talking. I did not 100% move on. I miss him whenever I think about him and us. But he is not coming back. He's moved on and I shall do the same even though I might never be with anyone else after him. 

Despite having this kind of mindset, sometimes I do feel scared that I give up on love, and stop believing in love. I know that something inside me was broken after things ended. But I just want to know will this heart of mine is capable of liking someone other than Joe. And what better way of experiment and meet someone online. I mean kinda pro at this. I have been here before. I have few tricks hidden in my sleeves. So why not try it. I got nothing to lose. Besides if I had a change of mind and heart, I can just leave. I know it seems heartless but then I could feel my heart go in that direction if I did not try to do something. One more thing, we never know if that other person is legit or not. I mean if he is indeed a real person, the actual person that the picture belonged to.

Weirdly enough, I met these 2 divorcees in their late 30s. Yeah stable job i would say. One is a pilot and one is an engineer. But then they are too old and too mature. Sometimes it seems they like eager to find a wife to take care of their children. First of all, I am just here to try to feel something with my heart. I may not stay long and I will definitely leave when the purpose has been met. Secondly, I did not see myself being a mother of someone's child. I am not ready to get married and now you expect me to be ready to have a child? I don't think so. Thirdly, who the fuck just blurted you like this person and wanted more. We barely even meet face to face and know each other well. Come on. Are you that desperate? Ughh.. this is definitely a red flag and seems like straight-up bullshit. I am sorry I cannot be involved with this and lead you on when I know that this is not what I want at all. So i ghosted both of them and leave. Plus block and remove them. What a total nightmare. 

And then there is this the third one. I can't believe I say this but he makes me happy. He makes me giggle like I was a schoolgirl. I forgot how it felt since it has been so long. Maybe when I was in my teens or early twenties. I don't remember. But this feeling was so great. I was so excited and eager to talk to him. He was single and we just 2years gap which is just nice. 

It's just an experiment anyway. If we turn out to be more, so be it. But for now, it is just for me to know that I was not that heartless and that my heart is capable of liking someone or even feeling in love. And who knows maybe I am healing now.

Acceptance

 I did not feel like I was moving on, not completely. There was a time when everything seems so hard and all I want to do was curl up on my bed, cry my heart out while listening to Taylor Swift. But there was a time when everything was okay and I started to see the 'reason' behind everything happen for a reason. 

Of course, it did not happen in one night. And it is not depending on how many years you were together. That was a myth. It happens slowly but surely. It is not easy. But you get through it somehow. 

I know I'm going to talk mostly about weddings here but that just because he pop out the question then maybe he got cold feet and run away, and ask me to forget all about it as if it was just a meaningless word. Yep, so casually cruel in the name of being honest.

I might move on but I never forget. This was one of the wounds that leave a deeper scar and they last they last.

On Angah's day, he said he will come. It was a day he could not miss as Angah was his friend too. Even though I did not put high hope, I still wish he will come. I wear my best outfit at that time. I was preparing myself to meet him. I kept texting him to update him. I'm searching for his familiar face. I texted and then I called. But everything was left unanswered. Even though I put my brave and happy face on, God knows I'm falling apart deep down inside. I never get even an apology or some petty excuses. I think that was the turning point. And that was the moment I knew.

On Nadh's day, I still hold on to his words. I still hope that everything will be fine again. I imagine this was could be us one day. It will be perfect and we look so happy. 

On Mai's day, I already let go of the idea of us but there was always this 'what if' lingering in my head. I still hope he changes his mind and that he would come back. He will say all the right things. He will be here... and I would've been so happy.

On Farah's day. Honestly, I did not feel anything. I no longer hope. I knew we never stood a chance and that we will never be meant to be together. And for the first time, I am fine with that. I started to see why it happen the way it happen. I started to accept, that everything happens for a reason. I can no longer picture us together again. That dream or imagine was just a pigment that was slowly fading away, blown by the wind. Yes, I do miss him, miss us, and that the flashback sometimes crept back. But it goes away as time goes by. And it didn't feel hurting like it was before. 

And I started to see changes in myself after I have redha with everything and accept for what it is. I no longer has to fake a smile or pretend that I was happy and that everything was fine. Now I could say I'm genuinely happy. Happy with my life, happy with the choice I made. I no longer force things and let everything run its course. If it is meant to be, it will be. I am starting to write again. Not a lot like before but one or two posts a month was enough. Getting my old self back was not easy, but I started to love every bit, piece of myself. I think for now that's what's matters.

To be married or living a happy single life, that's the question.

I believe everyone has a dream of how their wedding goes, what kind of dress that they will be wearing, what are the theme, where this wedding will be. And if you have a significant other, you will imagine him/her beside you and how will it be. I bet you will be set on what age will you get married.

The dream is a dream and the plan is a plan. Sometimes it did not go the way we hoped for. But sometimes it did. 

I always imagine I will get married when my age turns 25. Or the very least, 26 or 27. But guess what, I'm way past 25 and 26. It does not seem it will happen at 27. So I could say I can kiss that dream goodbye and never think about it. 

When he popped out the question and even though I never said yes. But we did talk about it, dream about it, and plan about it. For the first time in my life, I really thought that I did finally found the one and that I am going to spend my entire life with this person. It feel surreal and I was ready to give my all. But then, we were done and it is over. It recks me like the titanic ready to sink. I feel numb like I was in a cold sea, waiting to die like Jack Dawson. It was a really cold, painful, heartbreaking, and sad journey. Something that I hope I will never ever face again. Honestly.

It did turn me into a bit cold person but never was heartless. I believe that everyone is destined to be with someone. And maybe just maybe I will find the one that I have been looking for. The one who did not easily change his mind, the one who did not leave me thinking I did something wrong, the one who did not walk away when things get hard, complicated, and real, the one who walk the talk.

But then even if he never comes around. I think I will be okay if I'll end up alone. I mean a significant other doesn't change my value or define my life. If I'm not with someone doesn't mean that I'm not happy. I have these close friends, my lovely family, and a career that I enjoy. It is more than okay.

I had this 'coffee talk' with my mom. And for the first time, I say it out loud, I never know if I want to get married. I mean I could find someone on Tinder, I could boldly talk to Ashraf on this crazy scheme but then, the question is, was I ready or want to get married in the first place?

It was not that I still did not move on or recover from the last heartbreak. I mean I think I was still in the process. But then that was a petty excuse when the reality is that I do not know if I ever want to get married. 

Please don't feel sorry or pity for me. Just be happy for me. Not all the same. Some really want to get married. but did not find anyone yet. So they create this tinder account or sell themselves on social media just to get attention to those who are looking for someone as well. If it works for you, that's good. I won't judge anyone for their choice but I shouldn't have participated in things that are culturally expected for my generation. This isn't just a fit for my style.

I'm starting to readjust my thinking about relationships and what makes a happy life. I am focusing on myself to really evaluate what makes me happy in life. I want to be a better person. I want to focus on growing, traveling, soaking up all the wonderful life events without worrying about finding Mr. Right.

Maybe one day in the future I'll meet someone, they'll spark something in my soul. Maybe that fairy tale is out there for me. I'm not saying that I'm completely put high hopes on it. If it happens then I will be able to go into it with a clear head. I will have learned how to love myself know what I want and need in life. If it doesn't come I also won't be devastated. Perhaps it just isn't in my cards. I may end up with a few cats but it doesn't make me a crazy lonely cat lady. In the end, I will have lived a fulfilled life with no regrets. 

Hey, I don't know, maybe I end up alone but you know what, maybe that's okay. Just pray nice things for me, and just be happy for me for whichever choice that I choose.

Dream, past and remembering

 I did not know if it was a RED season or what but I feel of writing this, to pour this heartfelt that I felt for quite some time. I just realize that the last time that I was here was like 6 months ago. But maybe it was time to go and write again. I mean it won't be active like I used to but I might write when I feel like it. 

Before we began, let just talk about RED first. Oh my goodness, all too well was my favorite, always. The usual one is perfect, but the new long version was even better. I always thought that this song was meant for Ashraf. But after some time, I kinda listen to it when I feel sad or miss him. So the song was now dedicated to him. However, somehow the longer version one was perfectly dedicated to him by me. There are a few sentences or words in that lyric that resemble the things I had with him. But I guess RED will always be for Ashraf. After all, I did write a post about him with that title honestly.

Okay, let's move forward to the reason I was here. 

I guess I never wrote this after it happen. But somewhere around March this year, he came to my dream. I don't quite remember what the dream was now. But he did appear in my dream quite a few times that I continue to sleep so that I could see him even though he did not say much. But I did see him. And I was sad when I wake up as it was only a dream. A week before this dream, I did talk about him to Farah. Mostly about what happened. So after that talk, I just can't stop thinking about him. I missed him so very much. It feel like a week where I felt that way and just miss everything about him, about us. The flashback kept creeping on and he kept double-crossing my mind. It was like, they say all wells that end well but I am in new hell. 

Then, on the night of Tina's bachelorette party, I accidentally call him. I don't know how as the name of the person I was meant to call was different and in fact far from the letter of his name. I drop it once I realize it. After an hour, he called me back but I say 'wrong number, sorry'. And my day getting worse. Nope, I think the next day of it was getting worsen. Usually, I will only have a week to have this kind of breakdown but this has been a few weeks and weeks turn to month. The heart won't rest and the mind kept playing the flashback. But I keep calm and let the heart, mind, and soul feel what it needs to feel. It took quite some time to recover. Feels like I just took numerous steps back but I was fine afterward.

But he called me out of a sudden. He called when everything was back to normal and fine. I did not answer it a first as I thought I was dreaming. But he called me the second time and I hear his voice. His rough-the kind I like- voice. I quite feel my heartbeat fast as usual and everything feels dead silent. We talk for quite a while and I was happy and glad to know that he was okay and everything went well for him. He said he will call again later but he never did. Up until now. But I did not mind much as I felt maybe this is the 'closer' that I was looking for. So I felt grateful instead.

I could say that we go our own separate way after that call. Never to heard and know again. And it was okay. But there is always one of those days that I thought about him and reminisce about the past where everything was good between us. And yeah sometimes I do wonder if he remembers it all too well.

It has been quite a while and today he appeared in my dream. It felt real. And I never thought I saw him so clear, so vivid. At first, I thought it was just a random dream. But there he was with his old grey/green pleated shirt. Watch me, smile at me. I did not say anything as I am still shocked. The funny thing I say was. 'you never call and say anything. so I move on with my life. He smile and hugged me. Every dreamt I had of him, he never say enough or anything. He just does a random gesture or smiles. We got married in that dreamt of mine. And I could feel in my bones that this was just a dream and I want out. I want to wake up. I don't want this. I never want this anymore. 

I got out and wake up. But even when I say I don't care and that it is just a dream. I still think of that dream. But his vivid face was slowly disappearing and fading from my mind. Thus, before I forget all about it, I wrote it here. And layer if I came back and read it, I will remember it all too well.

Forgive yourself

 I believe that when you are on your own and you took some time to self-reflect, you realize that there a million stupid things you did and that oh-so-wrong decision. Seriously, what was I thinking? But then if you look back, it somehow makes you who you are today. This is when people say things happen for a reason even though you did not know what it was. But eventually, you do. 

Honestly, holding on to a one-sided relationship or friendship seems like an idiot move but that time you feel like this is that one person who understood me and then there are these memories that we had all this while. I can't just push aside and act as it did not exist. Cause it did. I hate when people said that every relationship or friendship has an expiry date cause I believe in forever and I am all for a long haul. But that's how life works and people are people, they are not bound to stay in one place. They grew apart and grew up. 

Letting go of a 15years of relationship was not easy but it was a thing that I know I had to do. I feel like I did not who I am anymore. I could feel little pieces of me being shredded and burn. The worst thing was that there is literally nothing I could do except stand and watch it burns. But after quite some time, you just grew tired with this shit and you start to look for a way out. You start to make a list of the staying and the leaving. And even though a part of you fighting to not let go but you did anyway. One day, when it decided, you just pack your things and leave a goodbye note. 

A few months was not easy, you start to battle with yourself again, that this was a wrong move at all. Who the fuck leaving more than a decade of relationship. Seriously! But you did. And slowly you start to pick some pace and move on. The 'he' just a figment of memory that exists at the back of your mind. Even though I like to go there sometimes just to reminisce but most of the time I was good. 

And it becomes even better when you start to forgive yourself. 

Forgive yourself for the wrong thing you did. Forgive yourself for that stupid decision you made. Forgive yourself for stay and holding on so long, thinking that someday he will change and realize. Forgive yourself for putting too much effort and hope into this sinking ship. Forgive yourself to look best on people even though they treat you like shit. Forgive yourself for leaving when it no longer serve you and make you happy. Forgive yourself for losing the best part of your old version. Forgive yourself for loving too deep and innocently. Forgive yourself for the wasted tears you shed in the middle of the night when the memories and flashback came creeping back. Forgive yourself for closing too many doors when you thought you had finally found the one.

But the most important thing, forgive yourself for not putting yourself first, not to love and cherish your own self as now you get a chance to do it. So cherish every bit of it. Life too short for this almost-uncertainty love. Open those door and your heart as great things awaits you in front. Good things take time, so trust His timing.

Welcome back dear self

 Haluuu...

It has been a very long time since I posted here and visiting this blog. I do though visit it sometimes when I just need a touch of memory and a glimpse of flashback. But it just too much that I no longer visit it and just leave it on the shelf.

I have quite a feeling that I would want to come back, to write again. I tried with diary, few times but the pages seem to get more and more that I stopped writing there and just kept my thoughts with me or at least wrote down some words on my phone or post them on Tumblr. But I do hope this time around I stay and never left even if the post was not many like it was too. 

Many good things happen these past few years. Not to mention the bad part also. But all I could sum was an enjoyable bittersweet ride and a lesson. But let's not get too deep on that. If everything was poured in here, there is no more specific post to write later on. We will get to it. Soon I hoped. 

But for now, welcome back my dear self!

25th

Alhamdulilah. Reaching my suku abad with gracefully and happily and positively. 

Not so much to hope or expect but i pray for more happiness and fun for many many years to come.  

It just 25 but still i still got lots in front of me. Many things to do, to fulfill, to reach and to experience. And i cant wait to be in those adventure.

Back then, i imagine myself settling down in this age. Meet a great guy who i want to spend my whole life with. Be a good wife and mother. It just not imagine. I was planning to settling down in this age. In fact when joe pop out the question, it did register my mind and i really thought this was it. This is what i have been waiting for. This is what im fulfilling and settling it.

But we only plan and Allah decide which the best path for us. And alhamdulilah. I thankful Him for this.

After awhile i realize that a dream is just a fantasy. It is free and it is lovely. I know for a fact i am not ready to settling down now. I know that i got a lot of things i want to cross off first. I know that i am nothing close to wife/mother material. And it is okay. Arya Stark just let down a man who he had crushed on because she want to see the world. She is spiritual and free. And somehow i was a little bit like her.

Maybe in 3 or 5 years i will meet a man and settling down. And maybe he was already here but like always timing is everything. But i hope for the best. I pray for the right path for me. Either path is fine for me.

But most of it is i thankful for granted for a better health, wealth and everything. Alhamdulilah. Alhamdulilah.

Everything happen for a reason

After quite some time feeling depressed and useless and a few post of regrets and negativity, the sun is finally shine again and new beginning awake. Hope is all in us. But in this one, it is in me? Hahaha..

Alhamdulilah, finally i settle with a job that well, not perfect but it was enough for now. I had the desk that i always wanted and a fix hour that i always wished. Alhamdulilah, after a few bump roads, i finally settle for an almost perfect position as claim officer. Yeah, sis tak lari dari insurance industry but this is way better since i tak perlu lagi nk hadap sales. Kene fkir mana nk korek sales. Now, i just process the claim, siapkan kerje i and tak perlu fkir apa dah. Balik just chill je. Alhamdulilah for this kind of opportunity. Im like so thankful that i feel like i wanna fill in this post with my gratitude to Allah. Alhamdulilah alhamdulilah alhamdulilah.

After a month and get my first paycheck after so long, i decided to post it. I mean i dont wanna jinx it like i used to before this. Yelah dlu lepas AIA and start with Allianz and then almost with Teledirect but now Henner is part of home. I hope everything goes well and paling kurang pun setahun lah i kat sana but still hope for much longer years. Dia nyer benefit was so much better. With a good medical benefit and increment on salary after a year. Salary okay, lebih sket dari AIA and at least they are firmed with the salary wlaupun tak betul waktu dia masuk kn duit sbb ikut France kan. But okay lah dri Allianz. Tanya nk salary bape tapi end of month habuk je dapat. Pastu bagi alasan kata nk kene setelkn training dlu. Stupid. Give me false hope. Well, i hope you get what you deserve at the end. I wish nothing not even the best. 

But then i believe things happen for a reason. If these thing tak jadi, i wont know that these kind of people exist in this world. I learn a thing or two through this experience. I should have asked more. I should be cautious. And most importantly i should have follow my heart. Sebab actually dari awal lagi i ada bad feeling. Kalo tak takkan lah i still searching for a new job before i even start the job. Go for interview and searching and applying some more. Then on my very first day i start my job pun i dah start cari kerje lain. Not to mention i waste quite a few hours waiting for my boss. I basically tak buat pape pun on my first week. Takyah ckp lah apa i rasa seterusnya. It was a very very bad feeling. I tak pernah rasa benci kat orng mcm ni tau. Slalu tahap tak suka je. And i never felt this broke. 

Then, with teledirect, i took it because i need the money. Walaupun ye i boleh je pinjam kat parents i dlu but u paham tak on your age and you still borrowing from your parents. I feel so ashamed with my own self. And i guess that is when this depress and useless and overthinking feeling came. I was in a dark place for quite sometime but alhamdulilah im better now. I was fine and im finally allow myself feel happy. I make myself busy with work so i wont think about joe so often. I redha with everything even though there were time when he visited in my dream or a glimpse of his reflection appear in my mind when i on train and this butterfly feeling, it always there and always will i guess, for now. 

I believe that things happen for a reason. And i believe it occur in the first place to teach us a lesson or two. Even though sometime it take time to realize the reason of it happen is for what. But somehow soon or later, you would see it and trust it make sense in the end. Like if i tak join Allianz, i wont get myself an ipad walaupun ada kemungkinan i memang akan beli nnti in the future but now i got sooner. Hihihi.. and of course jumpa this kind of people and be in this kind of situation. Everything happen for a reason. It always does. It just take some time for us to realize the good side of it. 

Btw, selamat berpuasa semua :)

Ego for a reason

Everyone has their own ego that they try to hide or proud of it but mine... i just tried to control it so that it wont be more and neither would it be less.. 

I was never an ego person actually. Maybe i was but mine was not this strong. But lately i have been make it grow stronger. You see, for me ego is how i hide my true feeling. Whether it is hope or sad and it could be happy also. Ego was kinda like my shield, my superpower that i adore, that i rely on when things happen. But in here, in this post, i let my guard down, i lay my ego down, i let you see how vulnerable and bruise i was. 

Last Monday, i went to Muar with my mom. And mommy was like kept on asking about joe, was i told him i was here and do we wanna meet, and whatever. At first i was thinking not to because we know how it end up anyway. And i was right actually. I was so stupid for thinking that it might be different this time around. I did though text him saying i was there. I didnt asked if he wanted to meet, hoping that he's the one who would popped out the question instead me. He didnt even respond to any of my text. And honestly it kinda let me down a bit but i let my ego showed that i was fine with this. I lied to my mom that i didnt even text him at all but he did see my insta story but didnt even say anything at all which is true. 

And then yesterday i was chilling out with my mom. And she ask me about joe and i. And i told her the truth. That we were never declare anything, we didnt put a label on this relationship but we stick to be friends and go with the flow. I hated that actually. The 'go with the flow thing' even though i was the one who suggest it. Remind me to change it some where next year. Maybe to 'this ride has been nice but i dont see it go nowhere so here's to our goodbye'. There it goes, the ego again. 

Anyway, these talk, it make me realize that i shouldnt give a fuck about joe.. Honestly, all he ever did is disappoint me. I know he got some issue but i got mine also. Everybody has their own demon to fight with. And i am fucking tired. I wanna give up. I wanna give up with this stupid hope, this stupid fantasy and dream. Go to hell with all of this. I just wish he would also show some effort you know. There are million things he said that could make me murder him at that moment. But i didnt. Instead i forgive and forget. Because thats the thing we did to people we love right?? But everyone has a limit. And mine has reaching many many times but there also the catalyst to slow it down, to freeze it and to lower it. But really though, i should move on. 

I guess that is how the ego start to build up. Starting with cover up and to calm the heartache inside while the ego starting to grew. Each time it be hurt, ego was there to make it feel better. And i know for a fact that it has grew stronger and stronger because i could feel it slowly killing the hope and put the idea of nothing last forever, and at the end all you ever have is yourself. But love... love conquer all.. at the end love always win.. that is what that fairytales bullshit has been putting in our brain.. but the reality is, it just isnt.. this was not that prince and princess story.. this story does not have happy ending.. but maybe it did.. because she lost herself.. but once she let it go, she resurface and found herself... something like that phrase...

Im not done yet

Funnily when i thought that everything was.. well, not exactly that okay but okay lah.. it turn out that i am not done yet.. 

Remember the job i was gonna take at Teledirect? Well, i had to turn it down. Yesterday, after my parents reviewing the offer letter, they asked me not to take it. And sebelum ni mmg my mom ada ckp on the day i go pick my offer but i told her that since i need money and i dont have any offer yet from anywhere, i just should pick it up. Kalo tak mana i nk cekau duit beb. Dhlah for the past 2 month i mcm orng jobless. Jobless ye lepas Allianz/ Infinity buat i macam ni. 

But then my dad open his mouth yesterday and try to talk to me not to take it. He felt like what they offer are low and plus the hour and you have to work on Saturday some more. It was like so no worthy. I tau mmg dorng offer rendah. In fact if i was still with AIA, offer mcm ni i tolak tepi terus. I know nothing beats what AIA once offered me before. That one i can agree with. But then AIA not so great anymore with all this budget cut and layoff. I know for the fact i hate sales and i never regret leaving AIA as many of my close friend semua dh blah. What make i stay is my teammates. Itu je. Selain dari tu. Nope. And also the travel tapi tu pun skrng kene carpool satu and budget for makan dari rm90 turun ke rm15 ye. Mkn mcd pun tak lepas beb. 

Its okay. I believe there will be silver lining at the end of the rainbow. For now, well, i had what i want right. To stay at home and do nothing and just enjoy the netflix. Life is great. 

Oh well.. lets move on..

Alhamdulilah.. after some time battling with my own thoughts, i finally get myself out of these misery. I feel like for the first time in forever i feel free and happy and well nothing to think and worry about. Yelah, if you guys read post i before this kan boleh nampak actually how i try to fight this thought/demon. Kept telling myself that i can do it. Fake it until you make it they say. But you know deep down inside of you, you cant fake it and you grew tired of fake it and convincing yourself. I quite relieve that i finally let these thing go. Kinda grateful that things happen and i get myself a reason to walk away.

Bayangkanlah ye i feel as though i was jobless these past few month. My paycheck never arrive, same goes with my commission. I sent my resignation letter last Thursday on 21st. I passed it kat Tini, the HR yg handle i and interview i. Then i sent a short message to both my boss. Boss i dua orang ye and dorng a couple. I lambat sket pickup as i always assume they together but taknak lah fkir lebih2. But yeah, they together. Tapi tak kisah lah. Peduli apa aku. So i sent to my male boss ckp yg i after some thinking, i decide to part ways as i did receive another offer from other company. And i know that i can do this part time but i choose not too because i scared that i could not achieve the target. Then i say thank you for the opportunity and knowledge these past month. And i apologize for not being there long and sorry for the misunderstanding psl gaji tu. I ulang balik ye apa i ckp psl gaji n commission tu. And dia balas okay. OKAY JE??!! I taip punya panjang wlaupun takde lah sepanjang i msg joe aritu. And dia balas okay je. Come on. Joe was so much better tau. At least dia balas panjang gak walaupun kadang dia suka hntr sket so nmpk mcm short but it is not. Ughh..

Oh and my female boss, i just say thanks for the knowledge and sorry for not being there long and sorry for any wrong i doing. And i wishing the best. Ni lagi best. Tak balas langsung. Tetbe teringat lak how dia, nope, my male boss yg kinda pandang rendah kt i. Byk kali gak lah i mcm hurm.. what is his problem actually. Like masa i tnye psl bila boleh download apps tu, dia ckp yg lepas i dapat agent code i, i dh boleh lah download. But you should come see me bcoz i doubt you can do it. I mcm.. like seriously.. and i boleh buat ok cuma masa tu ada miscommunication skit psl username. Manalah i nak tau username kat apps and website lain. Satu kene capital, satu mcm biasa je. Lain kali mention lah. I boleh buat okay. Byk gak lah actually dia pandang rendah i. I tau lah i kadang mcm nmpk slow innocent baik je. But dont fool with my outside because i just show you what you need to see. After a while, maybe u can see how my behavior is. Totally opposite ye. Most people yg dh kenal i lama ke or selesa dgn i would see how different i was. Most of my classmate ukm i ingt i ni ayu beb. Last2 tgk setan jugak akhirnya. And tina always thought im the gentle and soft person. Turn out i could be harsh sarcastic savage person. Well, nice to meet you too. HAHAHA.. Come on lah, takkan i nk tunjuk the gem inside of me on our first meet?

But here is the best part. Dia terus remove i dari group ye. I mean i was thinking to remove myself the next day. But she did an honor by removing me. Oh well, thank you? i guess.. nevermind.. whatever.. I put it in the past.. Gotta shake it off right..

So, now.. i was waiting for my offer letter and insyallah will be starting my first day this Thursday, 28th. I hope everything went well and i stay much longer this time around. Amin amin..

white carriage and getaway car

I attended Yanie's wedding last month. And this was my first time attend to a wedding of my UKM's classmate. I missed out on Anis's wedding few years back sebab i tgh bercuti time tu. And since i takde pape and my parents pun ikut join sekali gi wedding yanie, why not kan.. Aww... dua classmate i, mariners dah kahwin.  Really happy for both of them.. Tapi tulah bila tgk orng kahwin rasa diri ini pun nk kahwin gak.. hahaha.. tapi tak salah kan... lols.. But seriously i had this kind of feeling lately bila i tgk orng yg i kenal kahwin.. mcm nk kahwin gak tapi tulah takde calon.. huhuhu.. and maybe ada calon tu tpi i nak dia, dia yg tak tau nk i ke tak.. hahaha.. lols..

Anyway, I always fantasize that by the age of 25th, i should have settle down. I should met a man that i want to spent my whole life with. And well, we not lived happily ever after but we just happy with each others. We fight, we make out, me support each other, we be there for each other. The one that i could share everything with and accept me for who i really am. And maybe sbb tu tahun 2019 ni i mcm anxious sikit sebab yelah i 25 ye tahun ni. I was supposed to get married this year. But i guess it wont be happening anytime soon and i will be missed out my own wedding i guess.

After joe asked that question last 2 year, jujur i ckp a part of me was very happy, a part of me could see that everything that i dream finally came true, a part of me was fantasize and planning. But then.. well you know.. things happen.. and now it end to whatever it is now.

I told myself that i dont care that much, that i was fine tapi i kan typical perempuan. Bila je i ckp yg i ok is i betul betul okay. It hurts you know. That everything just kinda destroy and burn. But somehow i pick up those little bits of pieces and save it.. just in case.. who knows it work out at the end. Honestly, a part of me still believe, still fantasize and planning.. kalo tak, takkan lah i kept some information/help for my future self if she ever get married in the future.. And since we talked about marriage, we just go on with this okayy.. just bear with me ye or you could just skip this post. I wont mind.

My dream wedding keep on changing as i grow up. I tak tau lah sbb pengaruh semasa or just the media. But I used to loved big wedding and i be the center of attention. Only for that special day ye. But now, i more to simple but elegant. Tak perlu ramai orng. Ckup lah closed friends and family je. I was thinking 250-300 max. Cukuplah. Reramai pun buat apa. I rimas dan rasa semak ye. Oh, I tak nak ada bridesmaids. And taknak ada pengapit. I rasa tak perlu kot since tempat i tu dewan. Yang ni mmg dari dlu i nk dewan yg  ada aircond ye sbb selain untuk diri i, ia juga untuk my guests. And i plan to do it at night, under the stars. Tpi tak nmpk lah star nyer since dalam dewan.. kau rasa? kalo nk sgt gi luar dewan. Hahaha.. But if i had to have a pengapit, i nak fiqah who is my person to be pengapit i. Sbb dia ada positivity yg i need when im down. And bila i doubt, she can always take me away in a getaway car. Im serious okayy... I tau i ada buat janji dgn angah dlu psl nk jadi pengapit in each other wedding. But now i more to no.. In fact jadi pengapit angah ni pun i berat hati sebenarnya ye. Tpi nk buat mcm mne. Dia dh bagi kain dh pun so no way out i guess. I just hope on the day i kahwin, angah tgh sarat mengandung. Amin. Since majlis i buat malam, i was thinking to finish it in a day, means nikah petang, sanding malam. Mcm tulah plan i tapi tulah planning je.. It could change you know, not by me but by others. I yg terpaksa menerimanya ye. Hahaha..

But then this was all just a dream.. it was not really meant to come true. I mean, i wish it would somehow, someday.. I just hope for the best. Tapi tulah, the heart wants what it wants and it wants Joe. There is nothing i could do about it unless of course joe decide otherwise. But then it was like more to Joe or nothing. So yeah, im better off being alone anyway. Better like that kot. Hati i pun tak sakit. Kalo sakit pun, jap je. Esok lusa dia healing.

I had this conversation with my mom the other day. She was like so keen on me being open and just be friend with people. More specifically, people who were single and straight man. Yelah sekrng kn akhir zaman, so banyak je yg bengkok and actually a married man. I told my mom like i trained myself to say everytime this issue brought up. I did be open and be friend with many people that i come to know all the way. I bukan nyer terus shut people, taknak kawan langsung, sombong or whatever. Cuma nyer, dorng kene lah start the conversation because i wont do it unless perlu. And bukan nyer i tak balas msg tu. I balas kot cuma maybe dia akan nmpk mcm biasa2 je sbb dia tak kenal i lagi. So what they get is only my surface. They need to stay longer for my shell to be open and i need to make sure that they can handle the 'savage' of me. Thats what i told my mom lah.

The thing that i did not tell her is that my heart choose joe. I choose joe. I know he is the one i want to spent my whole life with, the one i willing to take risk with. And I dont know if i could love the next person more than i love joe. Sbb i rasa i already give too much, investing a lot on joe that i dont think it will be any left or enough for the next person. And im scared that i will not gonna put much effort when things go wrong. Like i could give 10% effort on saving the relationship. But that person need to do more because i am helpless. But that is all what i feel or think. Who knows when i meet the right person, everything will fall into place and it will be enough and equally.

But seriously, like i said before, i think im better be on my own. I know each people deserve someone in their life. I just dont think it was meant for me i guess? And kalo i tak end up dgn joe. I okay je be alone. Of course tipu lah kalo tak jealous or tak rasa pape, i bukan heartless even though i wish i was but i wasnt. So yeah. Tapi sebab dh pilih jalan ni, kenelah adapt, kenelah pndai handle bila these situation or feeling appear.  As for kid, well, i can always adopt. Sekrng kn byk je yg buat dlu, fkir kemudian pastu end up terbuang. Kesian tau. But then i am like not really have any intention to invest in kids and education unless it was my education. So i guess i stayed with cats.. love them.. hahaha...

So sis akhir kan post ni dengan a few pictures that were taken at Kuantan, attend Yanie's wedding.

Before gi wedding, we all decide to eat something sweet first

Not the one i order since i punyer in video form

The one i order, hopefully boleh play lah

Our favorite pose, i pun tak tau nape mariners suka sangat gaya this pose

Mariners with yanie x husband.. congrats babe...

All of us

mak cik bawang sekalian.. hahahaha