PENDAM

Lately aku realize aku byk pendam perasaan instead of showing my real emotion. Dlu aku bkn mcm ni kot. I think masa matriks and sklh dlu, aku akan tnjuk emotion aku. Like ble aku marah or xde mood or just wanna cry, i just show it. But not anymore. How did i change? Sejak aku depress dlu ke? Boleh jadi. Ke sejak msuk U ni ha? Mungkin.. Anything possible. Serious kot. I remember lagi Dila ada ckp,  aishah dh prnh nmpk suha mrah ke? N i ckp blum. And she was like, nnti dia tgk  lah. And i just laughed it out. But then ble tnye Aishah, she said she never see me mad. I pun rasa mcm tu. Like ble i mmg xpuas hati or mad or i just mmg xde mood that time, all i did was pretend that i was ok. I put my happy face, i smile, i laugh my usual laugh. Mcm xde pape berlaku. As if everything was fine. When inside i was falling apart. Or when the fact when im alone, i was dying.

Tpi bkn senang tau nk pretend yg kau ok, yg kau strong, yg everything was okay when nothing feels right. It takes lot of muscle to fake a smile and laugh. Maybe sbb tu non of my classmate ever see me mad or cry or just having an emotional break down. To be really honest, im not really that strong. Im just pretending that i was strong. Sbb senang. Xde sape akan dok tnye kau ok x? Even if it meant well. But sometime i feel annoyed and it feels like people just wanted to know only. Being nosy and all. Sbb tu i lbih ske diam and pretend yg i ok, happy go luck n apa2 yg positive lh. And thats why i pendam everything inside. Alhamdulilah, all this time i still got everything under control. Lava i xpernah meletus lgi. Mungkin dh jadi atoll kot. Ceh, ni semua pengaruh lagu 'i lava you' tuu. Masih xley move on dri lagu tu lgi. Huwaa..

I tau fakers gle kan? Tpi serious, it was better that way. It was easy actually. Mmg lah mcm fake gle tpi sometime tak semua orng patut tau kisah hidup kau or apa yg kau rasa. Sometime there are things better off unsaid. And beside i was happy that way. I getting use of it. Mungkin i ada trust issue gak kot. Maigot. I am such a mess up person. Tpi tulah. I lbih ske pendam. Pendam everything. Selagi mampu i pendam. Cme i xtau smpai ble i bley tahan. Smpai ble i boleh pendam. N will one day i will burst my lava or i stayed atoll and stayed sinking in the deepest sea? Im tired with everything. I stop care of what people say or think. Hell, i dont fucking care of people's feeling anymore. But i am trying to keep myself together. To hold on while i can. To just be strong and keep finding my inner strength.