Nothing feels right

"Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements even if it's leads no way?"

I battle myself with these kind of question each day. To be honest, i dont know if i should stay or leave. The heart just want what it wants. Dlu, i pernah gak let go and move on. But it never lasted even a month. I started crawling back and texted joe. I miserable sgt. I feel like i couldnt live without him. It was like as if he was my crystal meth that i couldnt resist. Im addicted to him. Sbb tu i make my mind to stay this time. What happens happen. I xmenaruh harapan tinggi. Like ada jodoh, ada lah kn. I feel happy bcoz he makes me happy. But it didnt last long. Bcoz i started to question myself again.

Smpai bila nk mcm ni? Smpai bila nk stay mcm ni? Its not about i feel like wasting my time or opportunity or whatever. It just that i rasa, what if all this time i was waiting for a reason to leave? I start fkir bnde ni semua sejak kt Bidong pastu balik ni ha. Bkn sbb i ada crush kt classmate i tu ke apa. I dh move on kot. I dont date my own classmate and people yg sama course and i. And i was determine tok dpt jodoh kt johor, JB to be specific. I tau cita2 tinggi sgt. And joe seems like a perfect candidate for me. Kte pun dh kenal lama. Tpi maybe mcm joe ckp, kenal lama dah, elak jodoh je. He was right though. That was we suppose to do. Avoiding being together romantically. I mean look at us joe. We are distance. You were there and i was here. Or you were here and i was there. We both ego and so hard headed. We couldnt be together. We shouldnt be together. 

Aritu i attend one of my sedara nyer majlis tunang. I used to love engagement and wedding so much. But this time around, bkn i xske. I rasa sesak sgt. As if i didnt belong there. As if i need to be somewhere else better than here. I xtau lah sbb panas ke, psl rmai orng ke, psl crowded ke. But i rasa mcm nk jerit je. I need to be away. Maybe it was a sign kot. And i texted joe. Normally i fhm dia busy n all. I still fhm cme i just nk dia balas msg i yg tu je. Xnk borak ngan i pun xpe. Just reply. If i sambung n start a conversation, its ok to ignore me and left me hanging. Im used to it. It wasnt the first time you know. 

I was actually planning to move on and let go by new year or next year if joe didnt confess his feeling to me by the end of december or new years eve. But that was 3 months later. So i told myself that if joe didnt reply until tomorrow, thats it, im leaving. And now its been almost 3 days. Maybe my wishes did come true. After all, i was the one who wished that he wil ignore me and be gone like he used to back then. Bcoz it was easier that way. I didnt feel guilty or any kind of feeling, After all he was the one who pushed me away and i will eventually disappeared. 

I never had a long conversation with a guy before other than joe. Ashraf was different sbb we had a history back then. But seriously, he make me realize that i deserve someone better. Dia xckp apa pun. Kteorng just borak tah pape. Psl joe pun ada. He called him complicated sbb masa tu i ckp yg its complicated ble dorng tnye psl status i. He doesnt know joe real name or anything. After all, i kept joe a secret from everybody bcoz he was something i was unsure about. I xberani ckp lebih. But somehow he did, make me realize that i deserve someone better, that joe and i was simply mmg xde jodoh. 

 

Or maybe it was all just a sign. But seriously though, i think this time around it was a real deal. Nothing feels right anymore. Im letting go. Im tired of holding on to something that didnt exist anymore. Im not giving up. Im just letting go. We both have change. Maybe few years ago, it seems like we look perfect for each other. But not now. I dont know what the future hold for us. All i know was now. And for now, i let go the feelings but i will stay friends with joe bcoz he was my best friend first and i want to keep that way. I want my bestguyfriend back. All these feeling just messed us up so i think we should just let go and move on. See where it goes. I xde dh berpegang pada ada jodoh, ada. I redha. Kte mmg xde jodoh, joe. And i harap u jumpa someone better than me and she makes you happy and that you happy. Tu yg pling pnting. I will always love you joe. I really do. And you will always have a special place in my heart no matter what. But it just not meant to be. For now, i need to find my inner strength and of course keeping myself busy. 

Im not okay. But i will be. Im gonna be okay. Just give me a time. :)