Different

I wish sometime i was different. In a lot kind of way. I wish i was born truly fearless. Like i could do whatever i want without getting afraid. Of course being nervous n all was there, but i keep myself together and just go with it. Just do it. I wish i was born pretty and skinny and flawless and brainy. I wish i was born perfect eventhough u know no one is perfect. Nothing is perfect in this world. Perfect wasnt exist. I wish i was the type of person who just never were camera shy and that camera love me. I wish i was that person who just didnt fucking care what other people was saying and just play by her rules. A leader, never was a follower. I wish a lot of things. I wish to be different.

I wish to be different and i try to be different. But that really wasnt me. It didnt feel right. It never was. And the worst of it all, was that i am starting to lose myself. I cant hold on to anything. Coz everything i touch keep on breaking. Im drowning slowly. Im a good swimmer and i try so fucking hard to save myself, to not drowning. But at some point, i feel like whats the point? I never was good enough. And im slowly disappear and no one will ever notice if i gone. 

This wasnt a suicide note or whatsoever. And this wasnt me being depressed. This is me letting my guards down and pour everything out. To be really honest, i dont know what i want in my life anymore. And it scare the hell outta me. Im losing myself and im losing faith. I wanna be different but it feels wasnt right. And now im thinking im losing my mind. What is wrong with me. Is it bcoz of the sickness and tiredness that i feel. Or is it bcoz im thinking too much?