Falling and back on again

These days i've been keeping all my thought inside, and i wrote everything i felt on my phone or write in a diary. Yeah, since i plan to stop blogging, i bought myself a diary. Bcoz lately i felt like falling just like yuna song. I was so broken. I shut everybody out. I stop do things that i love. And i keep everything inside me. I pretend that everything was okay, that i was fine, when the truth is i am nothing close to those.

Even kwn i pun ckp i dh laen. She told me i need to seek some help. Dia ckp mcm i nie penangih dadah je. But she was right. I dont know who i am anymore. It was like jasad ada, but everything inside was gone. I lose myself. I realize everything that was wrong on me. But i act like i dont care. What would u do when u realize a part of u just die? Would u do it like me? Dont care with everything and let it all be? Or you change everything like it use to, be the happy u?

Well, kwn i betul. So, i change. EVERYTHING.

I xpernah fkir someone bley buat i rasa mcm nie. I mean masa i kene dump ngan ashraf, i was broken, but i xpernah lak mcm nie. I xpernah buat bnde2 tu smue. I was broken, i cry every single night, i pretend mcm i okay tpi i slalu luahkn kt farah lah. But this time around, i nk nanges pun i perlu kn reason tau. I sgt2 ego. I tgk the notebook, titanic or cte ape2 yg melibatkn kematian orng dia syg so that ble i nangis, cte tu yg buat i nangis. I was so weird. And seriously i bley off fon i for a week tpi i bwat few days jelah. And since i nie dikira vip lah gak kn, haha, i limited it to my family and the girls, in case ada pape. And i bley laying on the bed and listen to every sad songs i ever had. REPEATED. Tpi slalunya lagu patah seribulah. And i bley je talk to the girls, tpi i xtau npe i rasa mcm i burden dorng. They got their own problem to solve. So, last2 i simpan smue nyer lah. Dlu ada joe, tpi serkng...

But one day, tetbe tgh dgr lagu, lagu about you now by miranda cosgrove tgh main.. and it got o my thought.. i mean orng kn ckp ble sedey, kita lebih fhm maksud lirik2 tu..

"maybe i'm wrong, you decide,
should have been strong, yet i lied,
nobody gets me like.. you."

it was true, this time around, i silap. maybe sbb i stop follow my intuition. instead i use what i felt right when it was obviously wrong. sbb kalo betul, i patut rasa relieve mcm masa i walk away dri ashraf when he started ignore me. tpi sekrng nie nape i rasa mcm empty, broken and nothing was right. on the second thought, since i rasa i betul wlaupun i mmg rasa i berubah and i dont care, i ingt i bley move on. i just need time. i bley fill diri i balik. but the truth is i cant.

bcoz on second i change my mind back. i felt alive again. i always happy again. like so damn happy. haha.. and somehow half of me, i mean all of me , feels alive again. just i ingt maybe i just have to live with this ignorance. i see myself happy again, why take it away kan..

but things are getting better, sbb i dpt another chance and this time around i will make it right. i text joe last night, turn out fon dia ilang so everything ilang sekali lah kn. see, im such a drama queen. haha.. but it was nice to talk to him again. i bley rasa i xberhenti senyum and i feel my face glow up again. we had a long conversation last night and it was good. from job to life to holiday to football.. sebaik ada nickname tau so he know it was me. i mean sape je pnggil dia pentol kalo bkn i? npe x i nie special. haha.. kidding.. tpi dia yg ckp. i ye kn je. haha.. i was thankful with this chance.. i was happy again.

And this time i xkn mintak lebih2 lgi and i wasnt expect much. i mean dlu kn i gedik nk found someone yg gne saya,awak maybe guna nama ke.. but ble i tgk fizo and mawar gne i,u, i rindu okay.. i xtau ape masalah i.. just i nk mintak.. same taste on music? i mean if he likes the times, the script, paramore, we good. hehe..

and i xtau nape, sepnjg i text ngan dia, i like lost in my own world. i bley xperasan my mom argue ngan nenek i dlm kete, i ada je tau kt dlm kete tu gak tpi i mcm xdgr pape. hebat ke tidak. mmg cloud 9 nie. and he still do this heart beat fast and butterfly thing.. it was good. maybe he was like blair to chuck. i mean chuck stop thinking everything when he near to blair. and we are like blair and chuck or chuck and blair. we both still trying to figure things out. maybe i hold on to things i unsure about. maybe kteorng mmg maen tarik tali. we love to fight and disagree, that was us. i mmg drama queen pun and he.. well, he just like chuck. or maybe i just tgk byk sgt gossip girl. maybe. hehe..

i guess maybe this is how it will be for a while. Who am i kidding, i xley stop rely on joe. u see what happen to me when i stop. but i know eventually i will. just when the right time come. maybe when i found the one or when joe is getting married. but if he was my other half, alhamdulilah. and for now, let me convince myself, let me set my mind that for the time being, we both just need time to figure things out, if it meant to be, it will to be. After all, if two people meant for each other, they will find their way back eventually.

or maybe somethings just worth waiting for.. after all, u never give up on someone you love.. right?